Therapy & Theology — S10 E5: “How To Accept a Future You Never Wanted” (October 9, 2025)

Host: Lysa TerKeurst
Guests: Jim Cress (Licensed Counselor), Dr. Joel Muddamalle (Director of Theological Research, Proverbs 31 Ministries)
Main Theme: Learning acceptance and healing after unwanted life changes, especially divorce, with practical therapeutic and theological guidance.

Episode Overview

This episode addresses the profound challenges of accepting and moving forward after life’s most disruptive, unwanted changes—specifically focusing on divorce. Lysa TerKeurst, alongside Jim Cress and Dr. Joel Muddamalle, candidly explores the emotional turmoil, grief stages, and the discipline of radical acceptance. With stories, clinical wisdom, and spiritual insight, the trio offers listeners practical steps to process grief and reclaim agency over an unexpected future.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Power and Process of Acceptance

• Lysa shares her journey: Acceptance was not resignation, but a "declaration" to "love my imperfect, messy, unpredictable, sometimes unfair, and sometimes unbelievably good life" (01:54).
• Acceptance vs. normal: Lysa recounts advice from her daughter: "You might need to redefine what normal is and what peace is in this season of your life" (03:33).

2. Unique Grief of Divorce

• Invisible wounds: Lysa notes, “I’ve often called my divorce the death of my marriage, but nobody’s bringing me casseroles… There was a ripple effect that went out and it was... a lot of grief to deal with” (04:25).
• Compounded grief: Besides the central loss, divorce brings secondary losses—friendships, family structure, routines, practical support (07:26).

3. Stages of Grief Explored (Kubler-Ross Model)

Jim Cress and the group walk through the five stages, emphasizing their non-linear, cyclical nature.

a. Denial

• "Denial is very common. It’s not an issue to run away from." (11:15)
• For Lysa, denial manifested as resistance: “It was so hard for me to even say the word divorce… just not ready to take my ring off yet.” (11:36)

b. Anger

• Outward ("mad at God, mad at people") and inward ("anger turned inward, not dealt with, is known as depression") (13:24).

c. Bargaining

• Often rooted in wanting good things: "You're not bargaining out of selfish desires. You're bargaining because you wanted your marriage to stay together..." (16:00)
• Dr. Joel links bargaining to "retributional theology"—the mindset: if I’m good, good things should happen (15:08).

d. Depression

• Emerging from unprocessed anger and attachment to lost hopes (13:24), discussed alongside bargaining and anger as a cyclical “dance” (20:06).

e. Acceptance

• Not just accepting the label of “divorced” but committing to reality at all costs (21:50).
• "Mental health is a commitment to reality at all costs. It'll cost you to grieve, and that's okay. It will really cost you to not grieve." (21:50)

4. Grieving the Future That Will Never Happen

• Dr. Joel highlights grief for “the future you thought you were going to have” (08:15).
• Lysa: "Now I’m divorced, I look into the future and I have no idea. There's great uncertainty. And it’s really hard to walk toward an uncertain future.” (09:08)

5. Avoiding Romanticizing the Past

• Lysa cautions against “traveling mentally back and rewriting things to be better than they actually were” (22:55), drawing parallels with the Israelites romanticizing Egypt after their deliverance (23:52).
• Dr. Joel: “We can go back and we can glorify and romanticize a past that is honestly not even true of the situation.” (24:18)

6. Agency in a New Reality ("The Towel Story")

• Lysa comforted a friend triggered by the loss of routines (folded towels by a now-absent spouse), gently introducing “doses of reality”:
  • "Now let's take some agency here. And agency means, what can I do? Not being so paralyzed by what I can't do, but what can I do? And let's step into what is going to be part of the future now." (31:00)
• This moment provided hope, shifting focus from loss to personal agency—and even touched an accidental eavesdropper in the airport (30:29).

7. Rippling Help Through Shared Experience

• Lysa is affirmed by Jim: "Most people are not going to the therapist... so the idea of coffee cup counseling and friendship counseling..." (32:07)
• Theme: The comfort you've received can become comfort for others (33:15).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|-------| | 01:54 | Lysa | “I have finally accepted my life now. This was not a resignation, not at all. It was a declaration that I've made the decision to love my imperfect, messy, unpredictable, sometimes unfair, and sometimes unbelievably good life.” | | 03:33 | Lysa | “You might need to redefine what normal is and what peace is in this season of your life.” (Advice from her daughter) | | 04:25 | Lysa | “I’ve often called my divorce the death of my marriage, but nobody’s bringing me casseroles.” | | 09:08 | Lysa | “Now I'm divorced, I look into the future and I have no idea. There's great uncertainty.” | | 11:15 | Jim | “Denial is very common. It's not an issue to run away from.” | | 13:24 | Jim | “Anger turned inward, not dealt with, is known as depression. I will just literally suppress. And what I suppress we will later be expressed; what I submerge is later going to emerge.” | | 16:00 | Lysa | "You're not bargaining out of selfish desires. You're bargaining because you wanted your marriage to stay together... it was a good thing that got broken and it hurts." | | 17:17 | Dr. Joel | “Sometimes what you're bargaining… is actually very contingent on that other person and that other person's willingness to change. And… some of them don't even belong to you. Like, you can't control that part of it.” | | 21:50 | Jim | “Mental health is a commitment to reality at all cost. It'll cost you to grieve, and that's okay. It will really cost you to not grieve.” | | 24:18 | Dr. Joel | “We can go back and we can glorify and romanticize a past that is honestly not even true of the situation.” | | 25:42 | Lysa | “In the 10 years of trauma, I had such a temptation to maximize what was good, these little scraps of love, and minimize the real hurt and heartbreak.” | | 31:00 | Lysa | “Now let's take some agency here. And agency means, what can I do? Not being so paralyzed, but what can I do?” | | 34:10 | Lysa | “The cure for grief is not time… The cure is acceptance. It's a futile exercise to hope that by resisting reality, the grief will dissipate. It won't. It will only twist your life into a chokehold of hopelessness.” |

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:43–05:02 – The complexity of grieving an unwanted divorce; difference between loss by death and loss by divorce.
• 05:02–08:15 – The serenity prayer, stages of grief overview, importance of understanding cyclical grief.
• 08:15–09:29 – Mourning the loss of imagined futures.
• 09:29–12:35 – How grief stages cycle; practical denial examples.
• 12:35–17:55 – Anger, bargaining, and the pitfalls of trying to make sense or take control.
• 19:09–22:16 – Attaching hope to things outside your control; cyclical nature of stages.
• 22:16–25:18 – The danger of romanticizing the past, lesson from Israelites’ desert journey.
• 26:35–33:15 – The “towel” anecdote and redefining agency; practically working towards acceptance.
• 33:28–34:40 – Summing up the episode with Lysa’s core wisdom on acceptance as the real cure for grief.

Episode Takeaways

• Acceptance is an ongoing process, not a single event. Grieving the loss of a hoped-for future is as necessary as grieving the past.
• Grief stages are cyclical. Move gently with yourself; you may revisit stages unpredictably.
• Agency is healing. Focus on the things you can control as you build a new reality.
• Romanticizing the past stalls healing. Gently introducing reality (without “shopping for pain”) is vital for acceptance.
• Your story and pain can comfort others. Most people aren’t in therapy—sharing what you’ve learned is a powerful gift.

Final Reflections (from Lysa, 34:10)

“The cure for grief is not time… The cure is acceptance. It's a futile exercise to hope that by resisting reality, the grief will dissipate. It won't. It will only twist your life into a chokehold of hopelessness... Even when the facts are really, really hard... I hang my hope... on the Lord Jesus, who already stands in our future. He already knows. It may be uncertain to us, but it is definitely not uncertain to him.” (34:10–35:21)

For more detailed help and stories, check out their book Surviving an Unwanted Divorce and stay tuned for the rest of the Therapy & Theology season.