Therapy and Theology - Episode S9 E2: Six Red Flags To Watch For in Any Relationship
Release Date: July 17, 2025
Introduction
In the second episode of the ninth season of "Therapy and Theology," host Shea Hill explores the vital topic of red flags in relationships. Joined by Lisa Terkers, a personal and licensed professional counselor, Jim Cress, and Dr. Joel Muddamalle, Director of Theological Research at Proverbs 31 Ministries, the conversation delves into six critical red flags that can undermine trust and stability in any relationship. This episode is part of a special summer miniseries focused on identifying and addressing warning signs to foster healthier connections.
1. Incongruity [05:42]
Definition & Explanation: Incongruity refers to a significant disconnect between how a person presents themselves and their actual behavior. This mismatch between words and actions can erode trust and indicate deeper issues within the relationship.
Discussion:
Lisa Terkers initiates the discussion by defining incongruity:
"Incongruity is when a person wants others to perceive them one way, but their actions tell a completely different story." ([05:42])
Jim Cress expands on this concept by referencing Eugene Peterson's "Long Obedience in the Same Direction":
"What is inside of us is true of what is outside of us. When there is an incongruity, our body and soul longs for that tension to be resolved." ([06:00])
Personal Insights:
Lisa emphasizes the importance of recognizing patterns rather than isolated incidents:
"Is this a pattern, not just a mistake, but a consistent refusal to acknowledge or repent?" ([07:18])
Notable Quote:
Jim Cress:
"When there is an incongruity, our body and soul longs for that tension to be resolved." ([06:00])
2. Insincerity [14:21]
Definition & Explanation: Insincerity involves saying things that one does not genuinely mean, often to appease others or avoid confrontation. This behavior can create unease and distrust within relationships.
Discussion:
Dr. Joel Muddamalle provides practical examples of insincerity:
"They might say something nice just to end an argument or only reach out when they need something from you." ([15:12])
Personal Insights:
Jim Cress links insincerity to the conscience:
"Insincerity is directly connected to the question of our conscience. Our conscience truly believes this is not from God." ([17:03])
Notable Quote:
Jim Cress:
"Insincerity is directly connected to the question of our conscience." ([17:03])
3. Self-Centeredness [21:35]
Definition & Explanation: Self-centeredness is characterized by prioritizing one's own needs and desires over those of others, leading to thoughtless or rude behavior and a lack of genuine connection.
Discussion:
Lisa describes how self-centered individuals often monopolize conversations and neglect others' well-being:
"They keep the discussion focused on themselves and rarely check up on what you are facing." ([21:35])
Dr. Joel emphasizes shifting from an anthropocentric to a theocentric approach:
"Lift your eyes... The purpose is to move away from a self-centered ethos and live into a God-centered ethos." ([25:22])
Personal Insights:
Jim adds that self-centeredness blinds individuals to the needs of others, hindering authentic connections:
"Self-centered living honestly does blind you." ([25:30])
Notable Quote:
Jim Cress:
"Self-centered living honestly does blind you." ([25:30])
4. Immaturity [25:30]
Definition & Explanation: Immaturity manifests through childish behavior, lack of responsibility, and emotional outbursts over minor issues. It often stems from unresolved trauma or developmental setbacks.
Discussion:
Lisa connects immaturity to past trauma or developmental issues:
"This immaturity is happening because of a trigger that happened in my childhood." ([30:13])
Dr. Joel shares personal experiences illustrating how past events influence present behaviors:
"Sometimes I'd be processing through this, realizing that immaturity is happening because of this childhood trigger." ([26:58])
Personal Insights:
Jim reinforces the importance of recognizing immaturity to address underlying issues:
"Recognizing immaturity is essential for fostering mature relationships." ([30:24])
Notable Quote:
Dr. Joel Muddamalle:
"Immaturity is happening because of this trigger that happened in my childhood." ([30:13])
5. Immorality [29:36]
Definition & Explanation: Immorality involves a blatant disregard for moral principles, engaging in sinful or destructive behaviors without remorse or intention to change. This behavior deeply damages trust within relationships.
Discussion:
Jim relates immorality to Paul's teachings in Galatians 5, highlighting the conflict between flesh and spirit:
"Sexual immorality, addictions, these are taking hold of us for our destruction." ([34:59])
Personal Insights:
Lisa emphasizes that repeated immoral actions indicate significant relational damage:
"When behaviors are justified or hidden, they cause major rips in trust." ([32:44])
Notable Quote:
Jim Cress:
"Sexual immorality, addictions, these are taking hold of us for our destruction." ([34:59])
6. Incompetence [35:44]
Definition & Explanation: Incompetence occurs when individuals claim abilities they do not possess, leading to unmet promises and unresolved issues. This behavior undermines trust and can escalate problems within relationships.
Discussion:
Dr. Joel provides relatable examples of incompetence:
"Attempting to fix problems without the necessary expertise, like refusing to call a plumber until the house floods." ([35:46])
Lisa points out that such behavior often necessitates others to take over the compensatory tasks:
"They promise to take care of an issue, but behind the scenes, things are not happening like they should be." ([35:44])
Personal Insights:
Jim underscores the frustration and erosion of trust caused by incompetence:
"Promises not kept lead to bigger issues and loss of trust." ([35:46])
Notable Quote:
Lisa Terkers:
"They promise to take care of an issue, but behind the scenes, things are not happening like they should be." ([35:44])
Deeper Insights and Reflections
The conversation highlights how these red flags not only signal potential issues in new relationships but also root existing distrust in long-term connections. The speakers emphasize the importance of self-awareness and honest assessment in addressing these warning signs.
Jim Cress stresses the theological implications, advocating for a God-centered approach over self-centeredness:
"Love is living a rightly ordered existence... Self-centered living honestly does blind you." ([25:30])
Lisa connects the discussion to broader relational trust, noting:
"These red flags will give you handles to have healthy, productive conversations to better understand what are the warning signals in a new relationship." ([37:38])
Notable Quote:
Jim Cress:
"These red flags will give you handles to have healthy, productive conversations to better understand what are the warning signals in your relationships." ([37:38])
Conclusion
Shea Hill wraps up the episode by reiterating the importance of recognizing and addressing these six red flags to build healthier, more trusting relationships. Listeners are encouraged to download the free resource, "Is Normal? 15 Red Flags You May Be Missing in Your Relationships," available in the show notes, to further explore and address these issues in their own lives.
Final Thought: Understanding these red flags empowers individuals to navigate relationships with greater clarity and intentionality, fostering connections rooted in trust and authenticity.