Therapy Chat, Episode 474

Complex Trauma + Death Of A Parent, with Amber Trejo

Host: Laura Reagan, LCSW-C
Guest: Amber Trejo, LMFT
Date: March 17, 2025

Episode Overview

In this moving and candid episode of Therapy Chat, Laura Reagan welcomes fellow trauma therapist Amber Trejo to discuss the intensely personal topic of how complex trauma is activated by the death of a parent. Both Laura and Amber lost their primary caregivers in the previous year and explore what it's like as therapists and adult survivors of childhood trauma to traverse grief, attachment wounds, and the lingering impact of past abuse or neglect. They reflect on their own experiences, the universal aspects of grief for trauma survivors, and how to seek support through this process. This episode is part one of a two-part conversation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Authentic Sharing and the Myth of “Having it All Figured Out”

• Both Laura and Amber emphasize the importance of showing up authentically, embracing vulnerability while “sharing from the during, not the after” of trauma healing.
  • Amber: “I’m not a before and after. I’m a before enduring, and this is my during, you know, and I don’t have it all figured out.” (06:34)
• They push back against “Transformation Tuesday” culture and the idea that healing should be linear or neatly finished.

Amber’s Work with Parents Healing from Trauma

• Amber specializes in working with parents who have their own complex childhood trauma, especially mothers with high ACEs scores, helping them address their wounds so they can show up differently for their own children.
  • The focus is not on giving prescriptive parenting advice, but on “how to soothe yourself when you’re feeling really big emotions” and how trauma patterns show up in parenting. (09:39)

Trauma and Grief: Shockwaves After a Parent’s Death

• Both describe how, even after years of therapy and insight, losing a parent powerfully reactivates old wounds.
• Laura shares about losing her father, her primary caregiver, and how the loss re-opened old attachment and developmental wounds:
  • “It brought up a lot of my childhood trauma, even though I had been working for years in therapy on those things.” (15:04)
• They note that many trauma survivors are surprised by the depth of feeling after a parent’s death—even if the relationship was distant or fraught.

The Universal Longing for Parental Nurture

• Both therapists reflect on the aching hope that their parents, even at the end, would finally offer the nurture or validation they always needed as children.
  • Amber describes her longing for a “beautiful moment” with her dying mother—a wish never quite realized:
    • “No matter how much [my adult self] could be like, ‘We’re good, I’ve done all this healing work,’ that little Amber was showing up full force.” (31:33)
• Laura reassures: “That’s not wrong. That’s… right for that young part to want that. And I think… we consider them [our young parts] to be inconvenient or in the way… But that young Amber that wanted that, she wanted it because she deserved it. She was entitled to have that experience.” (33:02)

Role Reversal & Subtle Parentification

• Discussion of overt and subtle ways children learn to suppress their needs to protect fragile parents (27:07).
• Amber and Laura note that even when parents don’t actively assign adult-like roles, sensitive children will sense what their parents can manage and shut down their own needs accordingly.
• Amber relates this to her childhood, where she felt obligated to “hold down the fort” when her mother was absent, drinking, or unable to parent.

Complex Layers: Death, Trauma, and Generational Patterns

• Amber describes how her mother’s illness and death reactivated old traumas, especially as her own son reached the same age Amber was during her childhood trauma.
• She also shares the bittersweet healing of watching her mother be a better grandmother to Amber’s children, but also experiencing new pain as her mother reverted to old patterns when near death (22:51-25:32).

Grief Practices and Ongoing Healing

• The conversation touches on grief rituals and the balance between moving forward and feeling:
  • Amber describes letting herself “grieve as hard as you can,” often by playing meaningful music and allowing emotion to rise. (36:41)
• Both note how grief toward a parent with whom the relationship was complex is particularly layered and often revives hopes for healing or closure that go unmet.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Amber Trejo: “The end goal is really like, if I could just not feel this…that would be awesome. Like, if I could heal enough to just not feel this…be at peace with it…But learning…just allowing yourself to feel all the pain that comes with it is actually such a big sign of growth.” (15:40)
• Laura Reagan: “One of the wounds is that it wasn’t really okay to express my feelings.” (19:07)
• Amber Trejo: “What I found was just like, this deep need to, like, be able to grieve with my mom…our relationship was better…I was just like, ‘We can make this, we can make this sacred. We can make this peaceful.’…And it, it was still. I was being let down.” (30:23)
• Amber Trejo: “Our younger parts, they still really want that, and no matter how much we tell them, ‘You’re not going to get it,’ like, ‘it’s okay, I’ll give it to you’—when we’re around our parents…those younger parts long for that comfort.” (30:35)
• Laura Reagan: “That young Amber that wanted that, like, she wanted it because she was deserved it. She was entitled to have that experience.” (33:02)
• Amber Trejo (on ongoing connection): “In those moments where I would give myself that time, whether I was like, driving home from work…just releasing that emotion and also taking that time to connect with my mom and just saying like, ‘I miss you’…taking that time to connect with her, it’s been really, really special and important.” (37:44)

Important Timestamps

• 05:53: Amber discusses normalizing the “during” of trauma healing.
• 09:39: Amber explains focus of her support program for traumatized parents.
• 12:40: Laura on trauma reactivating with a parent’s death.
• 15:04: Laura’s experience of grief reactivating childhood wounds.
• 20:13: Amber recounts her complex, abusive relationship with her mother.
• 25:32: Role reversal and parentification in childhood.
• 30:23: Amber longs for a healing moment with her dying mother.
• 31:33: The enduring hope of "young parts" for parental love.
• 33:02: Laura affirms the deep, deserved longing for parental nurturing.
• 36:41: Grief rituals—giving oneself space to feel with music and memories.
• 37:44: Amber on continuing connection with a deceased parent.

Resources and Where to Find More

• Amber Trejo’s Instagram: @integrativetraumatherapist
• Amber’s parenting program and website: www.theintegrativetraumatherapist.com
• Laura Reagan’s work & podcast archive: www.therapychatpodcast.com

Tone & Style

This episode is emotionally honest, vulnerable, and supportive—modeling how therapists can and do sit in their own “messy middles” while still offering insight and hope. Both speakers bring warmth, humility, and depth to topics often shrouded in silence or shame, inviting listeners into a compassionate and nuanced understanding of trauma and grief.

Note: Part two of this discussion will be released next week.