A (2:57)

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B (3:26)

This week we're kicking off a new mini series here on the podcast that we're calling the Sibling Sit Down. Over the next couple of weeks, we will be digging into the bonds that have formed us and shaped us, the relationships that challenge us and everything in between. We have found that the relationship with our siblings is often very formative. It's some of the most formative relationships we will have in our lives. We don't talk about them that much, and so we're hoping that with this miniseries we can change that narrative just a little. So in this first episode, it's an Ask Dr. Joy episode where I will be answering questions that have been submitted by our community members over in our Patreon channel. And I do ask Dr. Joy pretty frequently over in our Patreon, and I thought that I would bring it over here to the podcast so that we could kick off this special miniseries all about siblings. So here's our first question. I had an older brother who passed away in 2023. He was always my protector and we were incredibly close growing up. Losing him has left a hole. I'm still trying to understand for anyone who's lost a sibling, how do you navigate grief while honoring the bond you had? So first, I just want to say that I am incredibly sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose somebody who has been so meaningful to us. And it sound like your brother was incredibly meaningful to you. And so I'm very sorry for your loss. I love to hear that you are still thinking about how to honor that relationship because I have often heard grief that is talked about as it is love that just doesn't have a place to go anymore. And that is the truth. There is still love that exists in the relationship between you and your brother. And so one of the most powerful analogies that I've seen for as it relates to grief is to think about grief in yourself as a glass jar. So you're a glass jar. And then grief is this marble that in the beginning, like immediately after you've lost someone, the marble takes up the entire size of the jar, right? Like, it feels like you cannot Breathe. There is no space for anything besides this grief. And then as time goes on, you don't change, right? But your capacity to hold the grief changes. So the marble becomes smaller and smaller, and the joy just kind of grows around it. And I think that that's really powerful because the truth is that you may never miss your brother. There will likely always be some sadness, a little twinge of something, because the relationship has been meaningful. And so it really is not about moving past this loss. It's thinking more about how does your life continue, how does your story continue to develop? And this is now a part of your story. So one of the things that I think is really, really important is making sure that you are leaning on your community to help you to process the grief. So there is no timeline. Just because it's been, you said 20, 23, so maybe two years and some change since you lost your brother. That doesn't mean that you should not still be sad, that you should not still want to talk about him again. Your life will continue. You will continue to miss your brother probably for the rest of your life. And so are there places that you can go where you can still talk about your brother and people who won't say, like, oh, you know, it's been long enough, like, you should have moved past that. You really want to make sure that you have people in your life who you can talk to, who will let you share and do whatever it is that you need to do in terms of continuing to talk about your brother. I also think it could be important to think about what kinds of rituals do you want to have as a part of remembering him. So maybe there are certain things that you want to do on his birthday as a way of honoring the relationship that you had with him. Maybe you want to keep a journal that are like letters that you still write to your brother, where you are updating him about things or things that you wish that you could say to him if he were still here. Like, what kinds of rituals would be important and meaningful to you so that you can still continue to nurture that relationship. In addition to friends and family who may be a helpful part of your community, there's also a great resource called griefshare. I believe the website is griefshare.org and that is a great space to find other people who are also grieving in terms of support groups. So I believe that there are in person groups as well as online groups that you may want to participate in, and other people who are also grieving may have a different way of relating to you than other people who maybe don't have the same level of loss in their lives. So that can be an additional resource for finding some support support if you're still grieving. There's also a great book by Dr. Ajetta Robinson called the Gift of Grief that would be probably a great read for you again as you are just continuing to figure out how to honor the relationship with your brother. Dr. Robinson was also on the podcast, so I will drop a link to her episode in our show Notes. And we've also had several other episodes about grief that could be helpful for you just to again get some additional information and to learn some additional ways to support yourself as you are continuing to grieve. I do hope this has been helpful. Thank you so much for submitting that question.

A (8:28)

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C (9:09)

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A (10:10)

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B (12:09)

The second question is about blended family dynamics. I grew up an only child, but now my mom is married and I have a new sibling in the house. The youngest is still a kid, and sometimes I notice him looking to me for comfort or guidance. Being a big sister in a blended family is teaching me a whole new kind of love, one that's about patience, understanding and connection. For anyone adjusting to a blended family, how do you suggest navigating a new sibling dynamic and building that bond in a healthy way? So first, I love the way that you are describing the love that you are developing in this relationship with your new sibling. So you use words like patience, understanding and connection, and I think that those all set the foundation for what is sure to be a beautiful relationship. But I do think it's important to understand that you are new to this little person and he is new to you. And so I think making sure that you're giving yourself time to get to know him and for him to get to know you and also releasing any expectations about what the relationship should be. Because you have a fresh start, a great opportunity to make this relationship whatever it is that you want it to be and whatever he wants it to be. So it feels like it is a great opportunity for you to figure out what kinds of things interest him, what kinds of things maybe do you all have in common, what kinds of new things could you do together? But it already sounds like there's a great opportunity. It sounds like he is looking up to you, you stand for guidance and so already shows that there is some interest there. There is a desire for connection. And I think that all of those are great things to build upon. My guess is that there is a significant age difference here. And so one thing that I would caution you about is to make sure that it is a brother sister relationship as opposed to a mother son kind of relationship. Because I think sometimes with an age difference it can be, it can be easy to fall into that pattern of feeling like you are parenting this person, but it sounds like he already has parents in his. And so you really do get to come in and be the fun big sister right now. That doesn't mean that there won't be opportunities for you to challenge and kind of guide him in the right direction, but you really don't have to step into that parenting role. So make sure that you're not coming in that role and allowing his parents to actually parent and you come in and be the fun big sister or whatever the adjective is that you want to describe it as. I hope this has been helpful. Thank you so much for sharing this question. And our third question is about volatile sibling relationships. My sister and I have always had a contentious relationship. Recently at my mom's 60th birthday party, we got into a physical fight. She swung first, but I ended up being blotched by her afterward. I genuinely want to mend our relationship, but I also don't want to keep getting hurt emotionally. How do you navigate a relationship with a sibling who can be volatile or hurtful? And is there a way to repair it without compromising your own well being? So thank you so much first of all, for sharing this question. It sounds like this relationship, as you put it, has been contentious for quite some time. I'm not sure if it's been the entirety of the relationship, but it definitely sounds like for quite some time there has been a lot of tension. And I wonder if there has ever been any conversation about where this tension comes from. So is it related to some childhood dynamics? Did something happen later in life that has caused a rift between you all? Have you never been close? I'm not quite sure, but it sounds like there needs to be some kind of conversation about how did we get here in the relationship? And it sounds like we want things to be different. Now, the caveat with that is, though, in relationships, it cannot be only one person who wants the relationship to be different. And so as much as you would like to mend this relationship, my question to you is also, is your sister interested in mending this relationship? Because it sounds like, like she threw the first punch, right? Is that what you said? We got into a physical fight. She swung first, right? So, you know, it sounds like maybe some things were boiling over that then led to this physical altercation. And so is she actually interested in mending the relationship or actually resuming a relationship with you? Because if not, then all of the desires and longing you have will be for naught because she's not actually interested. And so even if she is interested, though, I do want to make sure that you are taking care of yourself because you don't want to be in a position where you want the relationship with your sibling so badly that you are allowing yourself to be abused or mistreated just in the name of having a relationship with your sister. Now, of course, that would be ideal. Ideally, we would love to have strong relationships with our siblings, but it has to be healthy. There has to be boundaries present. It has to be mutual respect. There have to be guidelines around keeping our hands to ourselves. All of those things still need to be in place, even with your siblings. Now, you may be a little bit more gracious with your sibling because it is your sibling, but the basic foundations of respect still need to be there. And so even if your sister is interested in mending the relationship or resuming the relationship or kind of starting over, so to speak, you do want to make sure that foundationally there is respect at the core. And unfortunately, if that is not the case or she cannot commit to that, then there may have to be love from a distance, right? Again, because this, you know, ideally we would love to have great relationships with our siblings, but unfortunately, that cannot always be the case. And what I would hate to have happen is for you to try to resume our business relationship with her when she is not interested or is not actually committed to doing the work to have a healthy relationship with you because you don't want to just have any relationship, you actually want to have a healthy relationship relationship with your sister. So again, thank you so much for sharing this question and I do hope that this has been helpful to you. So again, we do ask Dr. Joy questions pretty frequently over in our Patreon community. If you're interested in submitting questions or being an additional part of that community, we would love to have you there. You can join us at community.therapy for black girls.com I do hope that you will continue to tune in to our miniseries called A Sibling Sit down as we continue to dissect sibling relationships and talk to a therapist therapists about sibling dynamics as well as talk to some pair of siblings about their experiences. For more information about the podcast, you can visit the show notes@thristyforblackgirls.com session 434. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, make sure to visit our Therapist Directory at therapy for black girls.com directory and do make sure to text this episode to two of your girls right now so that they can also check out the episode. This episode was produced by Elise Ellis, Inde Chibu and Tyre Rush, and editing was done by Dennison Bradford. I hope that you all have enjoyed tuning into this session. Please leave a comment, let us know more things that you'd like to hear us talk about and be sure to tune in for our next episodes in the Sibling Sit Down. Until next time. Take good care.

A (19:24)

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