Therapy for Black Girls – Session 435: Breaking Down Sibling Dynamics Host: Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D.
Guest: Tamara Hill, Licensed Clinical Child & Family Therapist
Date: October 29, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode of Therapy for Black Girls, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford continues the “Sibling Sit Down” series, joined by renowned family therapist Tamara Hill. Together, they delve into the complexities of sibling relationships, exploring how family structures, parenting approaches, and life stages shape sibling dynamics from childhood into adulthood. The discussion spans topics such as sibling rivalry, parental favoritism, birth order, adult healing, and navigating sibling roles under unique circumstances, including caregiving for aging parents and managing family gatherings.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Pandemic’s Lasting Impact on Family and Sibling Dynamics

[05:04–06:51]

• Tamara’s Clinical Observations:
  • Significant post-pandemic uptick in family therapy due to families spending unprecedented time together.
  • Many clients discovered they “didn’t really know each other” before lockdown.
  • There is increased focus on rebuilding loving relationships between siblings and healing communication breakdowns.
  • Tamara says, "It just seemed like the pandemic did something psychological to most families, and so now they're just searching for treatment and options." [06:44]

Understanding Sibling Rivalry – Risk Factors & the Spectrum of Normalcy

[07:16–10:26]

• Sibling rivalry is often about the desire for parental approval and individual recognition.
• Intense rivalry is more common in families with risk factors: generational trauma, poor communication, untreated mental health issues, and permissive parenting.
• Healthy rivalry is a normal part of differentiating oneself, but hostility or jealousy beyond this is concerning.
• Tamara: “If the household is stable…most siblings are going to have a pretty, quote, unquote, normal relationship with each other.” [09:22]

The Crucial Role of Parental Language and Comparisons

[11:30–13:08]

• Unintentional parental comments can spark or fuel sibling competition and insecurity.
• Language that elevates one child, even innocently, can create deep feelings of exclusion or inferiority in others.
• Example: Tamara describes a session where a father’s praise left one son hurt and alienated.
• Tamara: “Language is key. Unintentional language, how you describe things is important.” [12:19]

Parenting Recommendations – Avoiding Comparison

[13:19–14:18]

• Avoid direct comparisons and labels.
• Highlight individual strengths without pitting siblings against each other.
• When in doubt, “just staying away from comparison altogether...is your safest bet.” [13:47]

How Sibling Relationships Shape Adult Patterns

[14:38–16:36]

• Research shows sibling bonds are foundational for learning social and emotional skills—often, the sibling relationship is second only in influence to the parent-child relationship.
• Patterns formed in childhood—whether positive or fraught with competition/hostility—often persist into adolescence and adulthood, impacting communication and relationship satisfaction.
• Same-gender siblings may exert especially important influence on each other’s social skills and expectations for future relationships.

Extended Family “Siblingships” – The Unknowns

[16:36–17:09]

• Tamara notes a lack of robust research on cousin or “play sibling” relationships as stand-ins for sibling bonds.

The Impact of Favoritism and Parental Emotional Regulation

[21:14–25:49]

• Favoritism, whether overt or subtle, manifests through parental language, affection, and attention, and is often internalized subconsciously by children.
• Children may interpret positive attention due to, for example, a sibling’s health needs, as an indicator of their own lack of worth.
• Tamara: “All of it can send these non verbal cues to the other child. That I love Michael, maybe a little bit too much and maybe way more than I love you.” [22:44]

The Drama Triangle in Sibling Relationships

[25:49–27:55]

• Tamara introduces the Drama Triangle (Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer) as a framework frequently seen in families:
  • The “rescuer” is often the favored sibling who steps in to mediate, while the “black sheep” or “victim” may be ostracized.
• Tamara: “If we're talking about siblings ... the sibling who is the favored tends to be the rescuer...and the other sibling kind of stays in that black sheep role and doesn't get a chance to maybe prove themselves.” [27:23]

Sibling Dynamics in Adulthood – The Residue of Childhood Patterns

[28:24–30:35]

• Lifelong jealousy or envy can create entrenched power imbalances or emotional voids, leading to low self-esteem and difficulty in adult relationships.
• Siblings stuck in these roles may feel “trapped,” unable to establish a healthy connection.

Birth Order & Gender Considerations in Sibling Roles

[30:35–36:13]

• Research shows correlation but not causation between birth order and life outcomes.

• Oldest children are often assigned the protector/leader role—sometimes to the point of overwhelm or resentment.

• Middle children (“the glue”) and youngest children (“the baby”) have distinct family expectations, often complicated by gender roles.

• Personal experience: Tamara reflects on her role as a caretaker in her family, attributed both to birth order and being the only daughter.

• Notable Quote:

  • Tamara: “That eldest child…sometimes they fold under that. Other times they succeed. But for the most part, I think they kind of fold.” [32:43]
  • "You're the girl. So, you know, you're to hold the family together, you're going to be the thinker, the emotional one." [33:54]

Every Child Gets Different Parents

[34:53–36:13]

• Dr. Joy observes that each child experiences a different version of their parents, shaped by family evolution, age, and parental experience.

• Anecdotal Example:

  • Tamara recounts her mother’s health crisis and how the assumed caretaker role deeply fell to her due to both gender and birth order.

Famous Sisters, Success, and Therapy

[37:35–40:26]

• High-achieving sibling pairs (ex: Venus & Serena Williams, Beyoncé & Solange) often have unique power-sharing dynamics.

• Gender can influence expectations, with female sibling pairs typically bearing more emotional labor in the family.

• Therapy, as promoted by Tina Knowles with her daughters, can proactively support these dynamics.

• Quote:

  • Tamara: "If you have two successful females or sisters in a family...that is some kind of power dynamic." [39:11]

Healing Sibling Wounds as Adults

[44:13–47:46]

• Healing often starts with “slamming the door” on old grievances and embracing a fresh adult-to-adult perspective.

• Let go of competing narratives about favoritism; focus on present needs and communication styles.

• Explore each other's love languages, develop rituals for ongoing connection, and approach each other with humility.

• Quote:

  • Tamara: “It’s humility. It’s saying I love you, sis… and I want us to start fresh and try to get along for once in our lives." [46:31]

• Unpacking childhood wounds can be counterproductive, unless trauma is present—then, a therapist may guide revisiting.

Caregiving and Evolving Dynamics in Adulthood

[47:46–52:38]

• As siblings age and take on new roles (ex: caring for parents), old dynamics may resurface.

• Honest conversations about roles, capabilities, and family comfort levels are essential.

• Tamara reiterates the importance of teamwork:

  • “It isn’t about who’s the best. It’s about mom or dad or both, and how do we care for them…It’s a team approach.” [50:02]

• Professional support, such as a death doula or mediator, can help navigate tricky conversations and logistical challenges.

Navigating Holidays & Family Gatherings with Strained Sibling Relationships

[52:49–55:20]

• Tamara recommends planning in advance:
  • Decide contact levels and boundaries (for no-contact or low-contact relationships).
  • Use coping skills: time limits, topic avoidance, finding supportive relatives.
  • “Figure out what your role is and how to manage your role within that family dynamic...If there’s sibling rivalry that’s been unresolved...you want to make sure that you stay on the outskirts of that.” [54:22]

The Keys to Strong Sibling Relationships

[55:26–57:26]

• Humility is essential: “Modesty, humility, open communication, apologizing when you’ve done something wrong and offering that unconditional love and support goes a very long way.” [56:42]
• Approach your sibling as an equal, not with judgment or superiority, even if you’re the “therapist” in the family.
• Love should be offered “without those strings attached.” [57:17]

Resources & Further Connection

[57:41–58:01]

• Tamara Hill shares her information:
  • YouTube: [Tamara Hill, Therapist]
  • Website: www.anchor. [remainder of URL not specified in transcript]
• Show Notes and additional content available at therapyforblackgirls.com/session435

Memorable Quotes

• “It just seemed like the pandemic did something psychological to most families, and so now they're just searching for treatment and options.”
  — Tamara Hill [06:44]

• “Language is key. Unintentional language, how you describe things is important.”
  — Tamara Hill [12:19]

• “The sibling relationship is the most significant relationship in that child's life. That besides the parent relationship, the sibling relationship is that one relationship where we learn how to interact, we learn how to think and feel, and we also learn how to be in relationship relation to another person.”
  — Tamara Hill [14:45]

• “Every child in a family gets a different set of parents.”
  — Dr. Joy Harden Bradford [34:53]

• “It’s humility…That’s what keeps us really, really together.”
  — Tamara Hill [56:23]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [05:04] Tamara on the post-pandemic surge in family therapy
• [07:16] Sibling rivalry in clinical practice: risk factors
• [11:30] Language and favoritism in the family
• [14:38] Sibling relationships shaping adult life
• [25:49] The Drama Triangle in sibling and family relations
• [28:24] Jealousy and envy in adult siblings
• [30:35] Birth order, family roles, and gender influences
• [36:13] Gendered expectations for daughters and sons
• [39:18] Famous successful sisters, therapy and power dynamics
• [44:31] Healing sibling wounds as adults
• [47:46] Navigating caregiving and adult sibling dynamics
• [52:49] Holiday tips for difficult sibling relationships
• [55:39] The secrets to strong sibling relationships

Tone and Style

• Conversational, accessible, empathetic, and deeply personal—with both Dr. Joy and Tamara Hill sharing clinical insights and real-life examples.
• Emphasizes the lived reality of Black families while providing practical mental health strategies.
• The discussion is solution-focused but honest about the complexities and emotional weight of sibling relationships.

For listeners and readers alike, this episode offers validation, actionable guidance, and hope for building healthier, more authentic sibling bonds.