Therapy for Black Girls, Session 443 Summary:

“What Do the Lonely Do At Christmas?”

Host: Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D.
Release Date: December 24, 2025

Episode Overview

In this special holiday episode, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford addresses the often-overlooked topic of loneliness and heavy emotions during the holiday season, particularly Christmas. Drawing inspiration from the iconic song “What Do the Lonely Do at Christmas?”—which she describes as ahead of its time—Dr. Joy offers validation, compassionate guidance, and practical coping strategies for listeners who may feel isolated or down during what is conventionally celebrated as "the most wonderful time of the year."

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Myth of Holiday Magic and Social Expectations

• Holiday Pressure:
  • There’s an overwhelming expectation for this time of year to be “the most joyful, the most wonderful.”
  • “If you are not feeling that way, I think it can bring up a lot of feelings of shame and guilt and confusion about why you can't get into the holiday spirit.” [05:02]
• Gendered Labor:
  • Recent research highlights how the “holiday magic” is disproportionately created by women, adding to the mental and emotional workload.
  • “A lot of times that expectation falls on women, which already adds to a very difficult load as we are trying to wrap up a year.” [06:40]

Unique Sources of Holiday Loneliness

• Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
  • The holiday coincides with less sunlight, colder weather, and shorter days, which can worsen depressive symptoms. [05:29]
• Financial & Logistical Barriers:
  • Traveling to visit loved ones can be cost-prohibitive or simply infeasible due to time or financial constraints.
  • “Flights are very expensive, Trains are expensive, Gas is expensive, and maybe you don't even have a lot of time off work, if that's even possible.” [08:48]
• Family Dynamics & Boundaries:
  • Not all family gatherings are peaceful; sometimes boundaries are disregarded, or past trauma resurfaces.
  • “Family gatherings are not always a happy time. They're often really, really difficult for people for lots of different reasons.” [09:46]

Grief, Ritual, and Disruption

• Navigating Grief:
  • The absence of deceased or absent loved ones can make the first holidays especially hard.
  • “The first holiday season after a significant family member has died... can be really, really difficult.” [11:54]
  • There’s an important distinction between positive change and the accompanying grief of disrupted traditions: “Even if the something different is a better for you, you're still disrupting your pattern. And there is a sense of grief and loss that can come with that.” [10:33]
• Planning for Grief:
  • Dr. Joy suggests intentionally deciding how to honor lost loved ones or changing traditions.
  • “When we don't have a plan for how we're going to manage the grief... we really get knocked off kilter once the holiday hits.” [12:43]

Religious Exclusivity and Trauma

• Christian-Centered Holidays:
  • The season can feel isolating for those who aren’t Christian or have experienced religious trauma.
  • “It can very much feel like a party that, like everybody's celebrating that you are feeling very excluded from... it kind of feels like you're on the outside looking in.” [17:56]

Practical Coping Tools and Permission to Feel

• Gentle Structure:
  • Creating a simple daily routine (e.g., meals, hygiene, brief walks) can provide needed stability.
  • “Adding in a few things that can help to maintain some structure can actually be really helpful for your mental health.” [19:35]
• Social Media Boundaries:
  • Limit exposure to “highlight reels” of others’ seemingly perfect holidays if it’s detrimental to your mood.
  • “This can really intensify any feelings of sadness and loneliness when we are looking at people in their beautiful family pictures.” [21:15]
• Journaling & Voice Notes:
  • Self-reflection through writing or audio can clarify and process emotions.
  • “Journaling or doing some voice notes... could be really helpful just to give yourself a place to put your feelings down on paper or in voice notes.” [22:29]
• Meaningful Connection:
  • Redefine what connection looks like for you this year—whether that’s a brief call, text, online communities, or volunteering.
  • “Are there other things that you would like to do to connect in ways that are maybe different than what you traditionally done?” [23:25]
• Permission to Opt Out:
  • It’s valid to avoid connection and spend the time solo, focusing on self-care or activities you enjoy.
  • “If you actually are not interested in connecting and would really just like to... do whatever, doing some crafts, however you choose to spend this time, that is also okay.” [24:45]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Normalizing Difficult Emotions:
  • “You're not alone in that. There's nothing wrong with you. You have not failed as a human.” [07:28]
• On Guilt in Choosing Peace:
  • “Even when we make decisions that are in the interest of our own mental health... that doesn't mean that they don't also sometimes come with guilt.” [09:55]
• On Disrupted Routines:
  • “Getting out of routines, there is a grief, there is a loss related to doing something different—even if the something different is better for you.” [10:33]
• On Planning for Grief:
  • “Think about how you are going to maybe honor your loved one… because I think sometimes what happens is that when we don't have a plan for how we're going to manage the grief… we really get knocked off kilter once the holiday hits.” [12:43]
• On Social Media:
  • “If you are not feeling that right now, that seeing images and imagery of other people really appearing as though they are in the spirit can really make your feelings more intense.” [21:42]
• Holiday Affirmations from Dr. Joy:
  • “Loneliness does not mean failure or being unlovable. It does not at all decide those things. Being alone is not the same as being abandoned. The season is temporary… The goal for this season can actually just be survival and getting through it. It does not have to be happiness and joy.” [25:25–25:53]

Key Timestamps

• [04:33] – Introduction of the episode's central theme: loneliness and difficult emotions at Christmas
• [05:29] – Discussion of seasonal affective disorder and seasonal triggers for depression
• [06:40] – Gendered burdens and the “holiday magic” expectation
• [08:48] – Financial and logistical barriers to connection
• [09:46] – Family dynamics, boundaries, and the complexity of gatherings
• [10:33] – Grief around broken traditions and choosing peace over obligation
• [11:54] – The unique pain of first holidays after loss or family change
• [17:56] – Holiday religious exclusivity and its impact on non-Christians/those with trauma
• [19:35] – Practical strategies: gentle structure, mindful social media, community, and self-care
• [23:25] – How to redefine connection or opt for healthy solitude
• [25:25] – Closing affirmations and permission to survive the season with grace

Closing Tone

Dr. Joy’s message is compassionate, affirming, and gently empowering. She emphasizes that all feelings are valid during the holidays—even loneliness and sadness—and encourages listeners to give themselves permission to experience and tend to those emotions without shame. She concludes by affirming, “You deserve love and care, especially from yourself.” [27:49]

For those experiencing loneliness or struggling through this season, this episode offers both practical advice and heartfelt validation, reminding listeners: you are not alone, and there is no “right” way to feel at the holidays.