Session 443: What Do the Lonely Do At Christmas?

Summary

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Therapy for Black Girls, Session 443 Summary:

“What Do the Lonely Do At Christmas?”

Host: Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D.
Release Date: December 24, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this special holiday episode, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford addresses the often-overlooked topic of loneliness and heavy emotions during the holiday season, particularly Christmas. Drawing inspiration from the iconic song “What Do the Lonely Do at Christmas?”—which she describes as ahead of its time—Dr. Joy offers validation, compassionate guidance, and practical coping strategies for listeners who may feel isolated or down during what is conventionally celebrated as "the most wonderful time of the year."

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Myth of Holiday Magic and Social Expectations

• Holiday Pressure:
  • There’s an overwhelming expectation for this time of year to be “the most joyful, the most wonderful.”
  • “If you are not feeling that way, I think it can bring up a lot of feelings of shame and guilt and confusion about why you can't get into the holiday spirit.” [05:02]
• Gendered Labor:
  • Recent research highlights how the “holiday magic” is disproportionately created by women, adding to the mental and emotional workload.
  • “A lot of times that expectation falls on women, which already adds to a very difficult load as we are trying to wrap up a year.” [06:40]

Unique Sources of Holiday Loneliness

• Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
  • The holiday coincides with less sunlight, colder weather, and shorter days, which can worsen depressive symptoms. [05:29]
• Financial & Logistical Barriers:
  • Traveling to visit loved ones can be cost-prohibitive or simply infeasible due to time or financial constraints.
  • “Flights are very expensive, Trains are expensive, Gas is expensive, and maybe you don't even have a lot of time off work, if that's even possible.” [08:48]
• Family Dynamics & Boundaries:
  • Not all family gatherings are peaceful; sometimes boundaries are disregarded, or past trauma resurfaces.
  • “Family gatherings are not always a happy time. They're often really, really difficult for people for lots of different reasons.” [09:46]

Grief, Ritual, and Disruption

• Navigating Grief:
  • The absence of deceased or absent loved ones can make the first holidays especially hard.
  • “The first holiday season after a significant family member has died... can be really, really difficult.” [11:54]
  • There’s an important distinction between positive change and the accompanying grief of disrupted traditions: “Even if the something different is a better for you, you're still disrupting your pattern. And there is a sense of grief and loss that can come with that.” [10:33]
• Planning for Grief:
  • Dr. Joy suggests intentionally deciding how to honor lost loved ones or changing traditions.
  • “When we don't have a plan for how we're going to manage the grief... we really get knocked off kilter once the holiday hits.” [12:43]

Religious Exclusivity and Trauma

• Christian-Centered Holidays:
  • The season can feel isolating for those who aren’t Christian or have experienced religious trauma.
  • “It can very much feel like a party that, like everybody's celebrating that you are feeling very excluded from... it kind of feels like you're on the outside looking in.” [17:56]

Practical Coping Tools and Permission to Feel

• Gentle Structure:
  • Creating a simple daily routine (e.g., meals, hygiene, brief walks) can provide needed stability.
  • “Adding in a few things that can help to maintain some structure can actually be really helpful for your mental health.” [19:35]
• Social Media Boundaries:
  • Limit exposure to “highlight reels” of others’ seemingly perfect holidays if it’s detrimental to your mood.
  • “This can really intensify any feelings of sadness and loneliness when we are looking at people in their beautiful family pictures.” [21:15]
• Journaling & Voice Notes:
  • Self-reflection through writing or audio can clarify and process emotions.
  • “Journaling or doing some voice notes... could be really helpful just to give yourself a place to put your feelings down on paper or in voice notes.” [22:29]
• Meaningful Connection:
  • Redefine what connection looks like for you this year—whether that’s a brief call, text, online communities, or volunteering.
  • “Are there other things that you would like to do to connect in ways that are maybe different than what you traditionally done?” [23:25]
• Permission to Opt Out:
  • It’s valid to avoid connection and spend the time solo, focusing on self-care or activities you enjoy.
  • “If you actually are not interested in connecting and would really just like to... do whatever, doing some crafts, however you choose to spend this time, that is also okay.” [24:45]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Normalizing Difficult Emotions:
  • “You're not alone in that. There's nothing wrong with you. You have not failed as a human.” [07:28]
• On Guilt in Choosing Peace:
  • “Even when we make decisions that are in the interest of our own mental health... that doesn't mean that they don't also sometimes come with guilt.” [09:55]
• On Disrupted Routines:
  • “Getting out of routines, there is a grief, there is a loss related to doing something different—even if the something different is better for you.” [10:33]
• On Planning for Grief:
  • “Think about how you are going to maybe honor your loved one… because I think sometimes what happens is that when we don't have a plan for how we're going to manage the grief… we really get knocked off kilter once the holiday hits.” [12:43]
• On Social Media:
  • “If you are not feeling that right now, that seeing images and imagery of other people really appearing as though they are in the spirit can really make your feelings more intense.” [21:42]
• Holiday Affirmations from Dr. Joy:
  • “Loneliness does not mean failure or being unlovable. It does not at all decide those things. Being alone is not the same as being abandoned. The season is temporary… The goal for this season can actually just be survival and getting through it. It does not have to be happiness and joy.” [25:25–25:53]

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Key Timestamps

• [04:33] – Introduction of the episode's central theme: loneliness and difficult emotions at Christmas
• [05:29] – Discussion of seasonal affective disorder and seasonal triggers for depression
• [06:40] – Gendered burdens and the “holiday magic” expectation
• [08:48] – Financial and logistical barriers to connection
• [09:46] – Family dynamics, boundaries, and the complexity of gatherings
• [10:33] – Grief around broken traditions and choosing peace over obligation
• [11:54] – The unique pain of first holidays after loss or family change
• [17:56] – Holiday religious exclusivity and its impact on non-Christians/those with trauma
• [19:35] – Practical strategies: gentle structure, mindful social media, community, and self-care
• [23:25] – How to redefine connection or opt for healthy solitude
• [25:25] – Closing affirmations and permission to survive the season with grace

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Closing Tone

Dr. Joy’s message is compassionate, affirming, and gently empowering. She emphasizes that all feelings are valid during the holidays—even loneliness and sadness—and encourages listeners to give themselves permission to experience and tend to those emotions without shame. She concludes by affirming, “You deserve love and care, especially from yourself.” [27:49]

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For those experiencing loneliness or struggling through this season, this episode offers both practical advice and heartfelt validation, reminding listeners: you are not alone, and there is no “right” way to feel at the holidays.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best.

[B]

Possible versions of ourselves.

[A]

I'm your host, Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more or to find a therapist in your area, visit our [e-mail] while I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional.

[B]

Hey y', all, thanks so much for joining me for session 443 of the therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our conversation after a word from our sponsors.

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[B]

So many of you may be familiar with the Beautiful Emotions record what did the Lonely do at Christmas? So the song was released in 1973 and is, I think accurately about a breakup and having a Christmas holiday after a breakup. But I think it was ahead of its time because I think that it names some very difficult emotions that we have just now started to talk about, which is loneliness and sadness during the holidays.

[A]

And so what I want to talk.

[B]

About today is why some of those feelings come up for us, because I think that there is often a lot of expectation and a lot of pressure for this to be the most joyful, the most wonderful time of the year. And if you are not feeling that way, I think it can bring up a lot of feelings of shame and guilt and confusion about why you can't get into the holiday spirit. And I think it's important for us to have a place where we talk about that.

[A]

So there are a couple of different.

[B]

Reasons, especially this year, I think that may be contributing to any loneliness or sadness that you may be feeling. So one, the holiday season already correlates with the time of year where we see more seasonal affective disorder, which is a type of depression where your mood is impacted by the weather. Most often we see this in the winter season, but we can also see symptoms of seasonal affective disorder. With the change in spring, summer, and this time of year, I think it's particularly impactful to our mood because we know that we are getting less sunlight, the days are shorter, the nights are longer, it's colder, which means that we are maybe not as interested in being outside, which means that we maybe aren't spending time with loved ones or socializing as much as we used to, which all can impact our mood. So the holiday season already is correlated with a time of the year where we might be experiencing an impacted, more depressed mood. Anyway. Add to that the expectations, like I said, of this being a joyful time of year. Right, right. This idea that this is when holiday magic is happening. This is where we are maybe gifting other people, maybe spending time with family and friends. And if you just are not feeling that, I think it can be really difficult. And the expectations around holiday magic, there's been a lot of research that has come out in the past couple of years that talks about how much this holiday magic is actually built on the backs of women. Right. So who is responsible for the twin sprinkling lights and making sure that kids stockings are hung and that we have crafts for the teachers and all of these things. A lot of times that expectation falls on women, which already adds to a very difficult load as we are trying to wrap up a year. We know sometimes that can come with increased workload, responsibilities. And so the expectations and the ideas about what should be happening during this season, I think can really, really add to a lot of stress for people. So that's something else that I think is important to keep in mind that these ideas of the shoulds and the pressure of this season can really make you feel lonely and isolated if you are not feeling up to it. And I think especially this year.

[A]

Right.

[B]

When we know we are a couple of years post pandemic, the political landscape has been treacherous. Just lots of different things going on in the world that would make it naturally that you might not be feeling very in the holiday spirit right now. And so if you are feeling that way again, I just want you to know that you're not alone in that. There's nothing wrong with you. You have not failed as a human. I think that you are likely having a very normal and natural human response to what can sometimes be a very difficult part of the year. So you're not alone with that at all. Something else that I think can impact people's feelings of togetherness and holiday spirit. And why you might be feeling a little more lonely right now is that everything is so expensive right now, right? And so, logistically, even if you wanted to be with family right now, it.

[A]

Might not be possible, right?

[B]

Like, flights are very expensive, Trains are expensive, Gas is expensive, and maybe you don't even have a lot of time off work, if that's even possible. And so, logistically, it just may not even be possible for you to get together with family and friends, which I think can make it feel a little more lonely this season, if that is something that you want to do. Now, on the other hand, you may not actually be interested in getting together with family and friends, because maybe those are not actually peaceful experiences for you. So if we think about the black classic soul food movie, we know what can oftentimes happen when families are together. And we are trying to preserve traditions in the interest of actually being honest with one another. Right? And so family gatherings are not always a happy time. They're often really, really difficult for people for lots of different reasons.

[A]

Sometimes because secrets are being kept, Sometimes.

[B]

Because people are just invested in stepping all over and across your boundaries, even though you've asked them not to do certain things because there may be a history of trauma in the family that has not been addressed. There are lots of different reasons why family gatherings, especially during the holiday season, are just not a peaceful and fun time. And so maybe it's not that you logistically can't. Maybe it's that you're actually choosing that you don't want to spend time with family this year, which is also okay. But even when we make decisions that are in the interest of our own mental health and protecting our peace and, you know, really kind of pouring into ourselves, that doesn't mean that they don't also sometimes come with guilt. And this idea of, I should have done this thing, or this is what my family has always done, it can still be a very isolating and lonely experience, Even if you are making a decision that you know is in the best interest of yourself and your mental health. And so, again, I want to give space for us to just kind of talk about that, right? Like this idea that even when you make a decision that's good for you, it doesn't mean that you might not be sad and that you might not grieve the experiences, because sometimes the experiences are not wholly bad. Right? And even if it is a not so great experience, it is something that you're still used to. And us getting out of routines, there Is a grief there is a loss related to doing something different. Even if the something different is a better for you, you're still disrupting your pattern. And there is a sense of grief and loss that can come with that, which may be contributing to some feelings of loneliness that you're having right now. And as we're talking about grief, there, of course, is grief related to changes in the family and if you decide to do something different. But there's also grief related to the loss of loved ones, right? So the first holiday season after a significant family member has died, or if there has been a divorce or some kind of other family change can be really, really difficult. Again, we are such creatures of habit and routine. And so the idea that maybe this is your first holiday season without your mom or your grandmother or somebody else who is really important to you can be really, really difficult. And we know that grief does not have any kind of timeline, right? And so even if you think, oh, I should be further along in my grief process, or I didn't expect that this would hit me as hard as it did, I do want you to know that the first holiday season after a significant loss is really, really difficult for most people. And so it's really important that you give yourself grace and treat yourself with lots of compassion and gentleness right now, because grief will just sneak up in lots of ways that maybe you didn't even expect, especially during the holiday season. And so what is important is for you to also think about how you are going to maybe honor your loved one. So do you want to share stories with other loved ones about who this person was? Are there traditions that you want to take on that this person maybe typically was responsible for? Do you want to visit a grave site? What kind of ways do you plan to incorporate the memory of this person and who this person was to you during the holiday season? Because I think sometimes what happens is that when we don't have a plan for how we're going to manage the grief and how we're going to honor that person, and we really get knocked off kilter once the holiday hits. And so I think it's important to think about, okay, how am I going to deal with this? What kinds of things do I want to do so that you actually have a plan for how you're going to honor that person for the holiday?

[A]

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[B]

Another factor that can make this season really difficult for lots of people is that it is a very, especially the Christmas holidays. Like it's a very Christian centered holiday, right? And so if that is not something that's important to you or is not your belief system, it can very much feel like a party that, like everybody's celebrating that you are feeling very excluded from, right? It kind of feels like you're on the outside looking in. And so I think that that can again bring up some feelings of loneliness and exclusion because it feels like this is not quite my thing. But I'm expected to buy into this and kind of be a part of this season because so many different people are experiencing it. I also think it's important to think about the religious trauma that can happen as a part of being a part of faith communities. And so if that's something that you've experienced, again, I think the holiday season can be really difficult when so many people are talking about kind of Christian centered messages and you Know, the expectation is that you just fall in line with that, when the truth is that that may not be everybody's belief system. So in addition to having a plan for how you might manage grief during this holiday season, I also think it is important to think about other things that you can do to cope if you feel like this season is really difficult for you. Because again, I think sometimes what happens is that we don't expect the season to maybe be as difficult, and then we just. It sneaks up on us and we.

[A]

Don'T have a plan.

[B]

And so if you are spending the holiday season alone, or if you're feeling a little more lonely or isolated, here are some things that I want you to think about that could make this a little bit more manageable for you. And I use that word very intentionally.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

Because the idea is not that you want to force joy if you don't actually feel joyful. By all means, if you are feeling it and doing all the things, go with it. We definitely want to seek joy whenever we can. But if you're not actually there, then the purpose is not for you to kind of be fake and force joy. It is actually to be okay with whatever it is you're feeling and to put some things in place to help you to manage and navigate. So one thing I think is really important during this time is some gentle structure. So I think that this time of year can sometimes be a little unstructured. If we are out of work or the kids are out of school and like, the days kind of run into one another and you're not quite sure what you're supposed to be doing, having even a little bit of structure can be helpful to just manage and help your mood. So that may mean, you know, kind of sticking with eating regularly, taking care of yourself in terms of bathing and daily hygiene kinds of things. Maybe a brief walk around your neighborhood or some other thing that feels important to you in terms of movement, those kinds of activities can really help to just add some structure to your day so that it doesn't feel like just 10 days of kind of unstructured chaos. Adding in a few things that can help to maintain some structure can actually be really helpful for your mental health. I know y' all hear me talk about this all the time, but paying attention to your social media use right now can be really critical, especially if you are somebody who finds yourself doing a lot of comparison and kind of feeling like, oh, look how happy other people are right now, or they have so much holiday spirit. And I don't you know that, you know, we're only ever seeing people's highlight reels on social media, but this can really intensify any feelings of sadness and loneliness when we are looking at people in their beautiful family pictures and all of those things. And again, there's nothing wrong with those things. But if you are not feeling that right now, that seeing images and imagery of other people really appearing as though they are in the spirit can really make your feelings more intense. And so if that is the case for you, I again would just encourage you to modify and be mindful of your social media consumption so that you're not constantly like berating yourself with other people's happy images when you are not actually feeling very helpful. Instead, I'd encourage you to lean into communities that maybe feel more gentle to you right now. Maybe there are other people. I know that there are other people who are also feeling similarly. And so, you know, leading into those kinds of conversations and going into online spaces where you are allowed to feel all of your feelings and not forced to kind of put on this air of happiness when you don't feel it is something that could be really helpful for you, just knowing that you're not actually alone with whatever it is that you're feeling. Journaling and voice notes are always a great practice to just kind of be in touch with what it is you're feeling. Now maybe you are somebody who is just not a holiday person, which is totally fine. But if this feels different for you this year, in particular, journaling or doing some voice notes to talk about why you think you're feeling that way and what's coming up for you when you think about what's happening during this season, could be really helpful just to give yourself a place to put your feelings down on paper or in voice notes. And these are not things that ever have to go anywhere. You don't have to share them with anybody. You don't have to make them public. But I think it can be a really good exercise in getting clear on what you're feeling if you journal or do some voice notes.

[A]

More from our conversation after the break.

[B]

Something else to keep in mind is what might connection look like for you right now. So if you've decided that you are not spending time with family in the traditional ways, are there other things that you might want to do? Could it be that you are exchanging text messages with somebody who's really important? Or do you do a brief zoom call with somebody who can make you feel less isolated right now? Like, are there Other things that you would like to do to to connect in ways that are maybe different than what you traditionally done? I've already mentioned, are there communities online or in person where you can connect with other people who allow you to feel the range of your feelings without having to be forced happy? If you're not volunteering, we've talked about a lot on the podcast, can be an excellent way. And I know a lot of organizations do things on Christmas like food giveaways are feeding or cooking.

[A]

Are there ways that you want to.

[B]

Get involved in your community that still allow you to have some human connection that maybe feels healthier for you and feels more purposeful for you, more compassionate for you than maybe systems that are not very, very welcoming and healthy for you? Looking at ways for you to redefine connection and to have connection on your own terms for the holiday season can be really, really great.

[A]

And if you decide, you know what.

[B]

This loneliness doesn't feel great or but I'm also okay with it, then that's also okay, right? So I'm offering suggestions for people who are wanting to connect in maybe ways that are different. But if you actually are not interested in connecting and would really just like to spend this time unplugged, doing your own thing, catching up on movies, you know, doing whatever, doing some crafts, however you choose to spend this time, that is also okay. What I'm really wanting to do is just give you permission to lean into however it is that you're feeling what without this expectation that you should be feeling any kind of way that you might not be this year.

[A]

So as we wrap up, I just.

[B]

Want to offer a couple of affirmations, a couple of things that you may want to take to your journal to help you to continue to navigate this season. So one, loneliness does not mean failure or being unlovable. It does not at all decide those things. Being alone is not the same as being abandoned. So you may be alone for the holidays, but you are not abandoned. There are people who love you and care about you. The season is temporary. Even if it feels like it's endless and really, really difficult right now, you are allowed to opt out of traditions that don't serve you, even if you've been doing them for a very long time. And finally, as I've mentioned before, the goal for this season can actually just be survival and getting through it. It does not have to be happiness and joy. So if you are somebody who's experiencing loneliness right now or feeling like I'm just not in the holiday spirit, I'd love for you to share with us in the comments section or on threads how you're actually planning to navigate this season and maybe what kinds of things have been helpful for you as you prepare to navigate the holiday season. I do hope that some of what I've offered has been helpful for you. Again, the goal of the podcast is always to give you a space to kind of feel all of your feelings and to talk about some things that maybe we are not talking about in other places and for you to know that you are okay and that you are not alone in any single thing that you are ever feeling. If you feel like this episode has been helpful for you, I would love for you to share it with another sister who you think might benefit. And if you need additional support, please make sure that you check out our therapist directory where you can connect with a therapist in your area who can offer you some additional support. And remember, however this season looks for you, you deserve love and care, especially from yourself. Don't forget to follow us over on Instagram at Therapy for Black Girls and if you want to have more conversations with like this and join a very active community of other sisters, come on over and join us in our [e-mail] for black girls.com this episode was produced by Elise Ellis, Inde Chubu and Tyre Rush. Editing was done by Dennison Bradford. Thank y' all so much for joining me again this week. I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care.

[A]

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Trust me.

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Discover [e-mail] Sapphire Reserve cards issued by JP Morgan Chase Bank NA member FDIC subject to credit approval terms apply. This is an iHeart podcast.

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Guaranteed Human.