Therapy for Black Girls – Session 446: Should I Go Back to School? Rethinking the Grad School Urge

Host: Dr. Joy Harden Bradford
Guest: Melissa Ifill, LCSW
Date: January 14, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode explores the unique pressures and motivations Black women face around returning to graduate school. Dr. Joy Harden Bradford and therapist/coach Melissa Ifill unpack the “grad school urge,” credential collecting, and the deeper cultural, emotional, and practical factors at play. Together, they challenge assumptions about higher education as a path to security and transformation, discuss the toll and tradeoffs that come with advanced degrees, and provide thoughtful guidance for intentional decision-making about one’s future.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Cultural Roots of the “Grad School Urge”

• High Rates Among Black Women:
  • Black women are statistically more likely to return to school later in life, often balancing schooling with caregiving roles and other responsibilities.

    “More of us are in school, we’re in school later in life, and we’re in school when we have more responsibilities... We think that it’ll either make things better for us, our families, or the communities at large…” — Melissa Ifill (05:33)

• Collective Motivation:
  • The decision is often tied less to individual ambition and more to a sense of responsibility, legacy, and community impact.
  • "There isn't as much of this intrinsic, I want to do this for me. There's a lot of, I want to do this for the people around me..." — Melissa Ifill (07:03)

The Reality Check: Does School Fulfill the Promise?

• Mismatch Between Expectations and Outcomes:
  • Systemic barriers persist: educational attainment doesn't always equal greater impact or financial advancement due to ongoing “-isms” (racism, sexism, etc.).
  • “We still have a huge income gap... We're still not given the opportunities to really make shifts in terms of systems...” — Melissa Ifill (08:24)
• Cost—Beyond Tuition:
  • Black women often underestimate the financial, emotional, and health toll of returning to school while juggling multiple roles:

    “We don’t take into account the impact... after we've gotten these degrees, but on the journey to achieve these degrees... the cost to our families, the cost to our self-esteem, the cost to our health, and quite frankly, the cost to our finances.” — Melissa Ifill (10:44)

School as a Coping Mechanism & Place of Control

• Comfort in the Academic Space:
  • Many turn to school during periods of dissatisfaction because it feels safe, structured, and familiar:

    “For so many of us, school is a place where I feel very comfortable… if I feel out of control somewhere else, the thing that I know I’m successful at is being a student.” — Dr. Joy (11:22)

• Quest for Approval and Goodness:
  • The pursuit of another degree also ties into seeking validation and proving oneself as a “good Black woman.”

    “School is a place where it's very easy to be affirmed in that good girl identity.” — Melissa Ifill (12:14)

Emotional Drivers: Loneliness and Identity

• Loneliness and Search for Connection:
  • For some, the urge to return may reflect a deeper longing for companionship and structured social opportunities akin to earlier schooling years.

    “I'm also wondering if there is not a part of this urge that is also driven by loneliness... The last time maybe you felt carefree, able to connect, was college.” — Dr. Joy (17:36)

  • Melissa notes the lack of non-competitive, hobby-based social outlets, leading Black women to seek community through structured educational settings (17:53).
• Professional Identity and Deprofessionalization:
  • Recent rollbacks on DEI and changes in federal loan policy specifically threaten fields where Black women are concentrated, causing further stress and sense of devaluation.

    "I feel like we're living in a hostile environment. ...there’s a direct sort of attempt to diminish what people are able to attend, achieve, especially women and Black women in particular." — Melissa Ifill (25:49)

Misconceptions about Going Back to School

• “Advanced Degrees Will Bring More Money—Not Always True”:
  • Many expect higher earnings, but the reality is complicated by debt and career structures (19:53).
• School Will Be Just Like Last Time:
  • Returning students often overlook how age, life stage, and competing responsibilities change the educational experience—especially memory/energy changes (19:53).

Intentional Decision-Making: Questions to Ask Yourself

• Melissa Ifill’s Framework:
  • Start with Why: “Why do you want to do this?”
  • Probe: “What’s missing in your current life?”
  • Evaluate Alternatives: “Can what you’re seeking be achieved another way... through mentorship or certificate programs?”
  • Financial Impact: “Will going to school set back other financial goals?”
  • Supports: “What support do you have in place at home and work?”
  • Identity Check: “How much is this about needing approval or validation?”

    “A lot of times, once we give it a beat… a lot of them wind up saying, this actually isn’t what I want to do.” — Melissa Ifill (14:52)

Healthy Boundaries and Redefining Success

• Set Boundaries & Know When to Walk Away:
  • Build in permission to pause or re-evaluate if circumstances change or overwhelm emerges (41:51).

    “How will you know if this continues to be for you?... If it starts to impact your health in certain ways, can you give yourself permission to pause?” — Melissa Ifill (41:51)

• Stick-to-itiveness as Double-Edged Sword:
  • The characteristic “Black woman excellence” often leads to soldiering on despite evidence that something is no longer serving you.

    “We are often not giving ourselves grace and not giving ourselves permission to hit the escape button…” — Dr. Joy (46:05)

Reimagining Joy, Hobbies, and Self-Value Outside Credentialing

• Cultivating Internal Joy:
  • Success need not always be externally validated; what brings internal joy, peace, connection, and feels “productive” just for you?

    “What parts of life do you enjoy?... Is it enough that it brings you a sense of joy, a sense of peace, a sense of connection to self, a sense of connection to creator?” — Melissa Ifill (50:09)

  • Joy as central: “My joy. The spirit of responsibility… I’ve agreed to this, so I have to do it… without giving ourselves the opportunity to consistently reimagine.” — Melissa Ifill (55:55)

Memorable Quotes & Notable Moments

• “There isn’t as much of this intrinsic ‘I want to do this for me.’ There’s a lot of ‘I want to do this for the people around me.’” — Melissa Ifill (07:03)
• “No matter what letters you have, it is more about the systems that we're engaging with... they're not constructed with us in mind.” — Melissa Ifill (09:43)
• “So many of us know how to do school... This is a place where I feel very comfortable.” — Dr. Joy (11:22)
• “School is a place where it’s very easy to be affirmed in that good girl identity... give me a syllabus, I can follow that.” — Melissa Ifill (12:14)
• “The thing that makes the greatest difference... was time. The ability to decide what they were going to do with their time.” — Melissa Ifill (13:26)
• “Is the juice worth the squeeze?” — Melissa Ifill, on assessing if school is actually a net positive for your life (45:51)
• “Joy is the ability to be connected to self, to be connected to peace, and to have the tools that you need at all times to be brought back to center, no matter what you're going through.” — Melissa Ifill (55:59)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Collective Urge & Motivation (05:33–07:48)
• Mismatch of Expectations vs. Reality (08:24–11:22)
• School as Safe Space & Control (11:22–12:14)
• Identity, Approval, and “Good Girl” Energy (12:14–14:27)
• Intentional Decision-Making: Questions to Ask (14:52–17:30)
• Loneliness and Loss of Community (17:36–19:44)
• Misconceptions About Graduate Degrees (19:53–22:20)
• Current Hostile Academic Environment (25:02–29:29)
• Impact of Professional “Devaluation” & Mental Health (29:41–31:16)
• Stick-to-itiveness and Permission to Quit (41:51–46:31)
• Redefining Success & Internal Joy (50:09–52:53)
• Metamorphosis & Sovereignty (53:13–55:50)
• Protection of Joy & Self (55:55–58:01)

Wrap-Up: Final Takeaways

• Black women’s drive to pursue advanced degrees is layered—tied to legacy, responsibility, community uplift, and sometimes personal fulfillment, but also often compensating for systems not built to sustain their advancement.
• Before enrolling, listeners are encouraged to deeply examine their “why,” identify true support systems, be honest about tradeoffs, and know when to give themselves grace to pause or stop.
• Redefining success involves shifting focus from external validation (degrees, titles) to internal joy, community, life balance, and holistic well-being.

Connect with Melissa Ifill

• melissaifill.com
• reflecting-joy.com
• Social Media: Threads & Instagram: @MelissaIfillLCSW (58:20)

This episode offers validation, critical reflection, and practical tools for Black women questioning whether the next degree is truly for them—or if it’s time for a new definition of growth and success.