Therapy for Black Girls – Session 452

Episode Title: Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now? Romance, Identity & Online Culture
Release Date: February 25, 2026
Host: Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D.
Guest: Shantae Joseph, London-based writer and digital content producer

Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford sits down with Shantae Joseph, the writer behind the viral article “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” Together, they unpack the shifting narratives around romance, heterosexual relationships, and singleness in online spaces. The conversation explores the cultural and psychological roots of why public displays of romantic relationships are now viewed with skepticism, particularly amongst women, and how these attitudes are influenced by patriarchy, online culture, and racial dynamics. The episode also examines the specific stakes for Black women within these discussions, the pressure of online virality, and how societal perceptions of singleness are being challenged and redefined.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Origins and Impact of “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?”

• Shantae Joseph shares what prompted the article:
  • Noticed a trend where people (not just celebrities) would intentionally obscure their partner’s faces on social media (06:02).
  • “It started to become a bit of a mockery of itself. Like, people would do things to intentionally cut out their partner’s head in order to make fun of or make light of people who do it. And I was like, wow, why is this actually happening?” (06:24 – Shantae Joseph)
  • The piece was inspired by observing a cultural shift in how heterosexual relationships are discussed and aspired to online.
• Variety of reactions:
  • Relief among single women who felt freed from the stigma of singleness.
  • Feelings of attack among coupled women who felt their long-awaited relationship milestones were being diminished.
  • Intense backlash from men, particularly those active in male-dominated online spaces (“manosphere”), with significant levels of misogynoir and racism directed at Shantae (08:16).
  • “The energy, the hatred I got from these men, these like, incels deep in the manosphere, that was scary.” (09:49 – Shantae Joseph)

The Psychology of Viral Backlash

• Dr. Joy explores why the piece provoked such emotional responses:
  • The article challenged deeply held beliefs about romantic relationships as sources of identity and societal privilege (11:25).
  • Both women and men experienced a perceived loss of privilege or power from the shifting cultural tide.
  • “For men, I think their anger was more to do with the fact that they are losing power in so many spheres... The only place that they can really and truly exert that now is within the emotional space in the dating world.” (12:12 – Shantae Joseph)
  • Internalized beliefs about singleness being a marker of personal failure start young, with women as young as 19 and 21 writing to express their struggles (14:43).
  • “I can't believe from such a young age you guys are conditioned to believe and think that because there is not a man displaying any interest in you, you are rendered invisible.” (14:39 – Shantae Joseph)

Navigating the Aftermath of Virality

• Effects on personal well-being:
  • The onslaught of attention, scrutiny, and personal attacks prompted Shantae to return to weekly therapy for support and processing (15:27).
  • “I had to really lock in and deal with a lot of stuff that was coming up, I think, from people just trying to be really malicious and evil towards me.” (17:03 – Shantae Joseph)
• Pressure to be ‘the face’ of a movement:
  • The expectation to continue producing similar content clashed with Shantae’s broader interests as a writer.
  • “I'm never going to be online doing, like, 10 signs you have a weird attachment style… I am just inquisitive and nosy and curious and I want to put out ideas and I want to hear what people have to say.” (18:08 – Shantae Joseph)

Singleness in the Cultural Spotlight

• Current moment for singleness:
  • The cultural script centering coupledom is being challenged, especially by Gen Z’s candid conversations about dating disappointments and single life (24:36).
  • “I think we are on the precipice of something great. But I think there's also a collective grief that needs to happen. Mourning the lives that we thought that we would all live...” (27:30 – Shantae Joseph)
  • The normalization of sharing negative dating experiences has made people realize those experiences are not uniquely their fault.

Specific Stakes for Black Women

• Community responses:
  • Black women’s reactions ranged from strong resonance (“100% with you… absolutely love this”) to resistance rooted in traditional and religious values (27:56).
  • Received accusations of “doing the devil’s work” from more traditional or religiously-aligned readers and critics (28:21).
  • Cites the influence of thinkers like Charlie’s Toolbox and the concept of “decentering men” as a guiding framework.

Relationship Hierarchies and Social Value

• Societal structure:
  • There’s active elevation of coupledom (especially marriage) above singleness, reinforced by legal and cultural privileges (30:56).
  • “If there was, like, relationship neutrality, I don't know if as many people would actually even couple up.” (31:37 – Shantae Joseph)
  • The societal idealization of couples only maintains its appeal by viewing singlehood as lesser.

The Role of Content Creation and Social Media

• Monetizing coupledom vs. avoiding public embarrassment:
  • Posting a partner brings both commercial opportunities and risks, including mass scrutiny and future digital erasure in case of breakups (34:41, 35:09).
  • “Loving a man feels like a humiliation ritual because you just feel like you are just waiting...when is the other shoe gonna drop?... you are protecting yourself against that.” (35:21 – Shantae Joseph)
• Men vs. women’s relationship content:
  • Women’s social content often revolves around partners (“boyfriend land” concept), while men rarely reciprocate the same public displays (42:50).

Romantic Ideals, Romcoms, and Personal Vulnerability

• Media and romance:
  • Shantae confesses to not being a fan of romcoms (36:54), preferring more speculative or “out there” media as more believable than romance narratives.
• Yearning for companionship amid skepticism:
  • Acknowledges her own complicated feelings —desire for connection but tempered by suspicion and past readings (38:57).
  • Therapy is underscored as vital: “God bless my therapist, like, I am so irritating. But she endures.” (40:34 – Shantae Joseph)

Retrospective on the Article & What’s Next

• If she rewrote the article today:
  • Would take a bolder, less conciliatory approach and include more research and expert voices, especially therapists (40:57).
  • “If I had to write this piece again, oh, I would be worse. Oh, you guys thought that piece was bad. I'm going to show you what's bad for real.” (41:00 – Shantae Joseph)

Influences & Further Reading

• Writers and works informing this analysis:
  • Eva Illouz (“The End of Love”; “Why Love Hurts”)
  • Mona Chollet (“In Defense of Witches”)
  • Jane Ward (“The Tragedy of Heterosexuality”)
  • Adrienne Rich (“Compulsory Heterosexuality”)
  • Leta Hong Fincher (“Leftover Women”)
  • Sarah Lahad (“A Table for One”)
  • Academic research on the social construction of singleness (48:30–53:00).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the online response:
  “The insults were very interesting...the kind of typical misogyny, but it would just be like ‘You're a black woman, you're the least desired, no one wants you...’ It was just so personal, so vindictive. It was just layers and layers and layers and layers of abuse all kind of piled up.”
  – Shantae Joseph (10:59)

• On decentering coupledom:
  “We see coupledom as an aspirational state, and it can only be aspirational if being single is not.”
  – Shantae Joseph (31:13)

• On the cultural lag:
  “There's this desire to want something that's traditional while living a very modern life.”
  – Shantae Joseph (13:32)

• On dealing with oversharing and scrutiny:
  “There's the anticipation of like, what are you gonna do next? ...I felt a huge sense of responsibility to make sure I was doing all of the right things, saying all of the right things, showing up online in the right ways. And that was really overwhelming.”
  – Shantae Joseph (16:06)

• Advice to new cultural critics:
  “Read, read, read, read, read... but I think most importantly, have conversations with people you know well, people you don't know well, get opinions. What are people thinking about? What are they talking about? What's interesting them?”
  – Shantae Joseph (55:36)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Origins of the Article & Initial Observations: 06:02–07:49
• Public Reaction & Backlash: 08:16–11:25
• Psychological Dynamics & Gendered Insecurity: 11:25–15:09
• Coping with Virality & Personal Effects: 15:14–18:08
• Challenging the Cultural Narrative of Coupledom: 24:36–27:42
• Black Women’s Perspective on the Discourse: 27:46–30:31
• Social Media, Monetization, and Public vs. Private Relationships: 31:52–36:54
• Romantic Tropes, Pop Culture, and Personal Anecdotes: 36:54–40:36
• Influential Readings & Academic Perspectives: 48:30–53:00
• Advice for Aspiring Writers and Cultural Critics: 55:31–57:09
• About Shantae’s Upcoming Book (“Picky”): 57:16–59:49
• Advice to Her Younger Self: 59:54–60:26

Additional Resources & Further Engagement

• Shantae Joseph’s Social Media: @ShantaeJ
• Event Series in London (Strangers in the City): Solo community events to foster friendships (60:37).
• Book Announcement: Picky, releasing in September 2026, exploring the social construction and stigma of singleness (57:16–59:49).

Episode Tone & Takeaways

The episode is lively, candid, and deeply reflective. Dr. Joy and Shantae explore how the personal is political in relationships, and how online culture accelerates and complicates our understanding of romance, identity, and autonomy—especially for Black women. Listeners come away with thought-provoking challenges to the idea that partnership is the pinnacle of happiness, recognizing the value of critical reflection, self-preservation, and building alternative sources of community and fulfillment.