wavePod

Get Wave AI

Session 457: Exploring Sober Curiosity - Therapy for Black Girls | Wave AI Podcast Notes

Back to Therapy for Black Girls

Session 457: Exploring Sober Curiosity

Therapy for Black Girls

Wed Apr 01 2026

Summary

Therapy for Black Girls – Session 457: “Exploring Sober Curiosity”

Host: Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D.
Guest: Kristin Feimster (Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Certified Personal Trainer)
Date: April 1, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford explores the concept of “sober curiosity” with returning guest Kristin Feimster. Together, they break down what it means to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol, debunk common myths, discuss how cultural and social pressures contribute to drinking habits, and offer practical tools for those interested in mindful drinking or taking a break from alcohol. The conversation blends clinical advice, lived experience, and cultural critique, all in a warm, practical, and affirming tone.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Defining “Sober Curiosity” & Personal Journeys

Sober curiosity is described as a movement of people reevaluating their relationship with alcohol, not always due to problematic use, but to question its role in their lives and experiment with reduced intake or abstention.
- “People who are basically reevaluating their relationship with alcohol... taking the steps to reduce their intake or to abstain for a period of time just to understand more about how it shows up for them.”
  — Kristin Feimster, 06:01
Kristin shares her 11 years of sobriety, explaining early signs that prompted her to question drinking:
- “Coming to terms with, is this still fun?... Am I just keeping it to social settings or do I find that I’m drinking more in isolation?... Am I able to function for my next day?”
  — Kristin, 07:11

Societal Shifts & “Gray Area” Drinking

The episode highlights a cultural evolution: alcohol is now recognized as potentially harmful, with a growing wellness trend encouraging reevaluation—not unlike shifting attitudes toward cigarettes.
- “We are also experiencing an uptick in people being aware of their mental health, people pursuing fitness in a balanced way, people pursuing longevity in their health... alcohol being so prominent, it makes perfect sense that it would be the first thing that we would start to look at.”
  — Kristin, 09:02
The “gray area” is discussed—people who drink at socially acceptable levels but still experience negative impacts. Pop culture (e.g., “Olivia Pope and her classic red wine,” 15:45) helps normalize routine drinking.

Early Warning Signs and Misconceptions

Physical signs: sleep disturbances, dehydration effects (headaches, mental fog, etc.), and the misconception that alcohol aids healthy sleep.
- “Sometimes people think alcohol is helping them sleep… but it does depress your central nervous system, but that's only temporary. That's not a REM sleep, a healthy sleep state.”
  — Kristin, 11:08
Debunking the notion that one must hit “rock bottom” before reassessing drinking:
- “That is a common misconception... it really leaves out a whole pool of people who are also consuming alcohol at varying levels, but they just haven’t hit that typical, stereotypical... lifestyle to really recognize it.”
  — Kristin, 13:23

Social Pressures, Marketing, and Emotional Triggers

Alcohol is marketed aggressively as a staple of socializing and stress relief, which conditions people to see it as an everyday part of life.
The pandemic and associated stressors led to increased drinking, with “mommy wine culture” as a particular example of normalized coping.
- “Anytime you're associating drinking with those emotional challenges, I think that it's a slippery slope for future issues.”
  — Kristin, 21:53

Practical Approaches to Sober Curiosity

Step 1: Track your drinking.
- “Go ahead and get the data and track your drinking for a month ... and then from there you can decide, does this seem, objectively speaking, does this seem normal?”
  — Kristin, 22:17
Step 2: Note emotional triggers.
- Keep a mood log alongside your drinks: “Are these celebratory moments? Are these isolated moments by myself where I'm dealing with a mental health challenge?”
Step 3: Experiment with sobriety.
- “Maybe just commit to something small, like just commit to the week. You don't have to commit to the rest of your life.”
  — Kristin, 51:15
Step 4: Monitor substitute behaviors.
- Not all “alcohol-free” drinks are created equal; some contain trace alcohol. Emotional dependence can also shift to other behaviors (sugar, shopping, scrolling, etc.).
- “We can be addicted to anything. So it's not about the substance itself all the time. It's about our relationship and our engagement with it.”
  — Kristin, 24:33

Harm Reduction vs. Sobriety

Harm reduction (reducing rather than eliminating drinking) can be a practical tool, but may not suit everyone.
- “If you find that you're bartering that number... I think that's another sign that your relationship with alcohol needs more attention.”
  — Kristin, 40:12
Struggling to enjoy or stick to sober curiosity may indicate need for deeper support or clinical intervention.

Therapy & Support Systems

Therapists can gently introduce alcohol topics through motivational interviewing and pattern-spotting, without judgment.
Sitting with emotions: Naming feelings, practicing non-substance coping skills (breathing, journaling, social support), and allowing space for emotional release.
- “What I typically start with is trying to help my clients to name how they're feeling. A lot of times we'll have, like, a physical sensation... but we're not quite able to get it language.”
  — Kristin, 35:40
Being a supportive friend: Hold space, avoid judgment, create get-togethers not centered on alcohol, and celebrate milestones.
- “The best thing you could do is embody that with your response... become curious yourself... support them in creating opportunities... celebrate them.”
  — Kristin, 44:45

Language for Setting Boundaries (Social Settings)

Practical, non-defensive responses help:
- “‘I'm not drinking tonight, really’ is all you have to say.”
  — Kristin, 48:52
- “You’re informing them of a decision. You're not asking for their permission.”
  — Kristin, 48:52

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On normalized alcohol culture:
- “Sometimes I don’t even think we’re actually choosing to participate into the lifestyle. I think in a lot of ways, [we] have gotten conditioned by way of commercial here, an event there.” — Kristin, 16:03
On early sobriety:
- “I got sober at 26, which was unheard of at the time... I just decided this is probably the best chance I’m going to have to address this and to live a full, vibrant life is right now.” — Kristin, 13:23
On substitutions:
- “To replace alcohol with another type of substance that’s mood altering could potentially be getting in the way of your original intent.”
  — Kristin, 28:34
Advice to her younger self:
- "I was trying to fill in the gaps of insecurity and feeling inadequate... But if I could just somehow get to her and say the personality that you have... is your strength and don’t dim it.”
  — Kristin, 52:48

Timestamps for Key Segments

Introduction & Sober Curiosity Defined: 04:03–06:29
Kristin’s Personal Sobriety Journey: 06:29–08:28
Societal Shifts, “Gray Area” Drinking: 08:28–13:23
Misconceptions & Pop Culture Influence: 13:23–17:35
Pandemic Stress & Increased Drinking: 19:47–21:53
Starting Points for Sober Curiosity: 22:17–24:33
Mocktails & Harm Reduction: 24:33–32:23, 37:47–42:31
Therapist & Client Conversations on Alcohol: 32:23–37:47
Skills for Emotional Coping: 35:18–37:47
Being a Supportive Friend: 44:24–46:56
Setting Boundaries in Social Situations: 48:27–50:52
Actionable First Steps for Listeners: 51:02–52:35
Advice for Younger Self: 52:35–53:53

Takeaways & Action Steps

Start with curiosity: Track your alcohol use and emotional context for a week.
Name your feelings: Emotional literacy is key to managing triggers without substances.
Redefine social norms: Advocate for or create alcohol-optional gatherings.
Set clear boundaries: Practice simple, confident responses when declining drinks.
Give yourself grace: Growth is gradual—judgment-free data and reflection are encouraged.

For More:

Connect with Kristin at b3bykristen.com
Find therapy resources at therapyforblackgirls.com
Join the conversation on social media @therapyforblackgirls
Look into the B3 Crew wellness community for additional support

This rich, affirming, and practical conversation encourages listeners—whether sober, sober-curious, or simply reflective—to take an honest look at alcohol and wellbeing, and to do so with compassion for themselves and others.

Loading summary...

Transcript

Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford (0:10)

Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or to find a therapist in your area, visit our website@therapyforblackgirls.com while I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey y', all, thanks so much for joining Me for session 457 of the therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our conversation after

Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford (1:03)

word from our sponsors.

Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford (1:11)

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human if you've got kids between the ages of 2 and 8, you know that not all apps are created equal. If you want something that actually gets them excited and thinking, then check out lingokids.

Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford (1:26)

It's an absolute blast.

Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford (1:28)

It's a world of interactive games, music they'll want to sing along to, and stories that spark their imagination. It's high energy, it's vibrant, and it keeps them actively playing rather than just zoning out. Whether it's a rainy afternoon or a weekend morning, it's the fun they're looking for and the quality you want. Lingokids Everything kids love. See why millions of families love it. Download the LingoKids app on your phone or tablet now for free. Today I wanted to share some thoughts about investing in your future while showing up for your present needs. Most of us play a lot of roles in life partner, employee, caregiver. But many of us also think about another role that could take our life to where we want it to. Degree holder. That's where National University comes in. They've been busy since 1971 creating more ways for you to work, earning a degree into your busy life. NU confers more graduate degrees to diverse populations than any other institution in the country, with more than half being earned by women. With flexible online formats, four and eight week courses, monthly class starts, and year round enrollment. NU is an accredited nonprofit university that makes higher education possible and achievable for busy working adults. With over 150 different degrees, credentials and certificates to choose from, they have a program that fits your career goals too. Learn more today at nu.edu. i'm Dr. Joy from the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. Ever been at the pharmacy counter and your mind goes blank when the pharmacist asks any questions? That's why you need to listen to beyond the Script from CBS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, this podcast answers the questions you wish you'd asked, like which meds may not work well together, what vaccines you might need before a trip, and even the ones you were too embarrassed to say out loud. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

Kristin Feimster (11:08)

What we know about alcohol is that it's a diuretic, and so it's also a toxin to the body. And so when we ingest alcohol, our body, although we get a buzz or whatever, feel good feelings we have, our body is trying to get rid of it as soon as possible. And so a lot of times people will notice as soon as I start drinking, I can't stay out of the bathroom. Going to the bathroom over and over again. It's actually your body trying to flip, flush what you've put in it out. And that typically for most people, if you're not careful with your water and your electrolytes while you're drinking, can lead to dehydration. So a lot of the symptoms that people notice are symptoms of dehydration. Headaches, mental fog, dry mouth, different things like that. Nausea, vomiting even, can still be related to that. And when it comes to sleep, sometimes people think that alcohol is actually helping them to sleep. And although you are not awake anymore, it's not necessarily the healthiest version of sleep. And so it does depress your central nervous system, but that's only a temporary. That's not a REM sleep, a healthy sleep state. It's more of a coming into and out of consciousness. And so for a lot of people, they feel like, oh, a glass of wine or something at night, it really helps me to go to sleep. But then I don't know the exact numbers with studies, but studies will show that sleep is not exactly restful as it would have been had they gotten the same amount sober. And so I think there's a lot of misconceptions around that, that people are starting to realize when you again pay attention, when there's an increase in conversation around it, there's an awareness that comes in and then you're able to assess, how am I actually sleeping? Do I actually feel rested in the morning? I know I went to sleep, but do I wake up rested? Is actually the question. I think for me, in my younger days, hangovers were just a part of the norm, but now it's like but do I want to be hungover every Saturday morning, or do I want to have a different experience? And so I think a lot of people are noticing that for themselves and deciding to make a shift.

Kristin Feimster (24:33)

Yeah, I think definitely paying attention to. I don't think it's neutral. And I will argue anybody down about that, clinically or personally. And I think it's important to say that for most people that I do think that how we're relating to and it's again, it's the substance, it's the association, it's the lifestyle itself too. You know what I mean? So we can be addicted to anything. So it's not about the substance itself all the time. It's about our relationship and our engagement with it. And so for me, I think that it's important for everyone to assume that it's not neutral. Maybe it ends up being something that you can take or leave and there's nothing there. But don't go in assuming that it's harmless when it may actually have other implications for you. And so I struggle with this question because there's different schools of thought and there's like my personal experience with it, my professional experience with helping people figure it out. And because the gray area is so gray, it does take time to figure out what side of this you lie on as far as if alcohol is serving you well at all, or if you should abstain completely. And so when it comes to the mocktails and the spirit free drinks and that sort of thing, it's important to know that there's a difference in those two drinks. They're not mutually exclusive. So mocktails are. My understanding and how I would like to share with the audience is mocktails are drinks that have flavor to them, have a different texture to them, like carbonation and that sort of thing. They may have different teas, different herbs in them to give them flavor, but they may not necessarily have an alcoholic alternative in them. So you might have cranberry, you might have mint, you might have some lemon, you might have a little decorative something with some club soda. Okay. But there are also other drinks where there's a spirit free liquor involved. So whether it be a vodka, tequila, gin, there's actually big alcohol companies are creating their own version of liquors basically, that have a very, very small percentage of alcohol content. And so if you look at some of bottles, you'll see where it might be advertised as alcohol free. But if you look at the back, you know where the nutritional value is, you might see where it says it actually contains 0.05% alcohol. And so those to me, are not necessarily traditional mocktails. Like you would think. This is completely alcohol free. Those drinks still have alcohol in them. And so when it comes to deciding whether you are so precarious and just wanting to scale back for health reasons, weight loss reasons, maybe you're studying for something, you just really want to lock in and focus versus if you have more of a problem drinking, I think that's a big distinction to make as far as these drinks may still have alcohol content in them. And so is that really abstaining? Is that really allowing myself to have a dry period, or is that more of what we might talk about in clinical terms being a harm reduction type of approach rather than an abstinence based type of approach. And so I think it's important for people to be informed about that, because I think I've even had a friend buy alcohol free champagne for me one time and she was like, yeah, I bought this for you. I thought it was great. It was super cute. You can do that. And we'll have our regular Champagne. And I flipped over to the nutritional facts on the back, and I was like, actually, this actually still has alcohol. And she said, oh, my gosh, I didn't even realize that that was a thing. And so I think it's good to be informed on that, to know what's best for you.

Kristin Feimster (32:59)

Yeah, I do. I do. I think for me, I kind of get a different. I get a different experience of that because I am public with my sobriety. So a lot of my clients are aware that I'm sober. And so they sometimes feel more inclined to have those conversations or even seek me out because they know that I have that background. So it does make having that authority and gently mentioning it a little bit easier because because of that commonality or that understanding already. But I try to work to question. We're not going to scapegoat anybody's use over anything else, but start to do some motivational interviewing and some questioning, just like I would do anything that seems to be a problem, maybe helping them to see a pattern in something. And it may take a while. Like I say in my personal and professional spaces, I have experienced having to wait for someone to come to their own understanding of that. That may take months, that may take years. But what I'll do in the therapy room is try to help them figure out what's the pattern here. Okay, this happens. Okay, now tell me more about. Once the stressor trigger or something hits, then what do you do? Well, that's when and if it's not alcohol, a lot of times it's food that I help my clients with too. And they'll say, well, and then that's when I end up drinking to feel better. And I was like, okay, well, do you feel better for. And then they'll say, oh, you know, a couple of hours. And then I end up going to sleep and I wake up the next day. I just ask more questions out of curiosity about how that substance or whatever that behavior is just like we would with any other behavior to help bring it more gradually into the conversation. And through that, they may come to a realization. I notice that every time we do this, maybe I might even ask, are you noticing any consistencies between these three different events that we've discussed over the last couple of sessions? And I may give them a chance to Mention. And then I say may, if it's all right. Can I share with you what I'm seeing? And then I might find a way to say, I'm noticing that typically alcohol is involved in these situations that you're having. Have you noticed that? Have you thought about that? And that usually leads to a larger conversation. And a lot of times, clients are already considered exploring it. And so it can sometimes be helpful to go ahead and lead them in that direction and break the ice.

Kristin Feimster (35:40)

What I typically start with is trying to help my clients to name how they're feeling. A lot of times we'll have, like, a physical sensation of disappointment or missing someone or grief or anger or depression, but we're not quite able to get it. Language. And so I walk them through the naming of using the feelings wheel. Look at all feelings will to help them connect with how they're feeling physically with. With an emotion, you know, and once they get in the habit of being able to recognize that when I feel this in my chest and when I feel this ache over my right shoulder, you know, whatever their indicators are, that usually lets me know that I'm frustrated about something. And then once they understand that aspect, we go into their skills of. And what usually helps me in that moment, we practice deep breathing. I go for a walk. I journal. I call my friend. I sit, and I let myself cry. I know that when I feel that way, I need to release and let myself be sad. Find out. A lot of my clients have a hard time, even in session, just letting themselves sob and just really emotionally release. And then once they do that, the challenges they're having around something, it doesn't take the issue away, but it just allows them to kind of come back up to a more manageable place where they can navigate it. And so if you are feeling some sort of way in your body because of a stressful work day or an argument, and then you reach for alcohol, which is suppressing all of that, you never really get to learn what that emotion feels like and what it looks like to work through it in another way. But oftentimes it's just letting yourself cry. A lot of times my clients have not really allowed themselves to naturally. Like maybe they sobbed after a few drinks, but it hasn't been like a natural emoting situation where they've allowed themselves to grieve something or to be sad about something. And so sometimes you simply be practicing that in session. We're not gonna do anything else but just let you let your tears fall and see how you feel in about 10 minutes. And I'll hold space with them five, 10 minutes and just let them feel what they need to and then we debrief it afterwards.

Kristin Feimster (40:12)

When I think about the sober curious lifestyle, I think of it as being something light and fun and something to explore, you know what I mean? And something that I'm not saying that it won't be hard, but there's an element of ease that's supposed to come. You're supposed to be feeling better, doing better, moving better, all these different things. And so if you find that you're really struggling with what that means for you to be sober for a period of time and you're not experiencing joy and you're not maybe even if you are experiencing some of the positive benefits, if you find emotionally you're not enjoying it, then that might speak to your relationship with alcohol a little bit more like what it's been giving you and what you've been using it for. And so that could be an indicator. I would also say that sometimes we might carry over the same behaviors into the sober curious lifestyle. So let's say, for example, you are exploring sober curious lifestyle and you're going to try the mocktails, right? Well, if you're still going into the same social environment, so you're drinking four mocktails, that might be a sign that there's still some preoccupations, some associations, something that, that even that just behavior is giving you. It's not going to go away just because the alcohol isn't present. Meaning that if you add the alcohol back, that same type of relationship is going to continue. So if you're finding it hard to hold to your goals, say you set a goal for 30 days and you find that by day 15, 16, 17, you're like, okay, maybe I'll just make it 15, and you're changing the goalposts. That could be another sign that the sober curious journey is. It's nothing wrong with it, it's to gain information. So it's maybe just assuming that it's telling you something more about how to take it more seriously for yourself. Right? And so it could be that. It could be if you're doing this two drinks, two normal drinks, and then mixing in some mocktails, if you find that that number, you start like bartering that number, like, say, okay, well maybe I'll just let myself do three this time or maybe four this time, and it keeps moving. I think that's another sign that your relationship with alcohol needs more attention. So anything that is increasing the tolerance that you have, the amount and the frequency that you're engaging with, either the mocktails or regular drinks during this time I think is something that's would be at least a yellow flag, if not a red flag.

Kristin Feimster (44:45)

I think that for. For my friends out there that are wanting to be supportive, here's what I'll say, is that when someone is coming to you to talk about their relationship with alcohol and sharing that information with you, that means that they value your friendship and that they see you as a safe friend. And so the best thing you could do is embody that with your response. Right? Because it's hard to come and share vulnerably about a struggle. So someone's coming to you that's already speaking to how they see you and what they need from you. And so avoid and stay away from judgment and guilty on, like, really, you're gonna stop drinking before our birthday trip? How could you like something like that? Keep that. Maybe you need to grieve some things about what your friend is, the changes they're making. Maybe you need to. But don't put that into that space where they really see you as a safe person. I would say instead of judgment, instead of guilting them around it, become curious yourself, like, okay, well, tell me more about how you came to this conclusion. What does that look like for you? And once you under have a better understanding of that, you might also try to support them in creating opportunities for you all to maintain your friendship that aren't surrounded by alcohol or centered around alcohol. For example, I had a good friend who had a birthday celebration, and she did it through a fitness class instead of a brunch with drinks. And so she's currently not drinking. She knows that I'm sober. I was like, this is perfect. I don't have to worry about, you know what I'm saying? I'm just in my environment. This is a great way to stay active, to have fun. We had music, we were moving. Everything else was good. It's just that alcohol was not the center of that experience. And then the last thing I would say for friends is just celebrate your friends. If they tell you that, hey, I'm 10 days sober, 30 days sober, if they share a milestone with you, if they share anything that is moving them towards their goals, even if you don't quite understand everything about it, celebrate them. Because it's hard. It's hard to make that decision when, like we said, the world around you is promoting the alternative, the other. And so be curious, create spaces for them and celebrate them.