How do you handle a conflict with a coworker who doesn't report to you? Go to them directly, before your boss, and make it the two of you against the problem instead of you against each other. Most leaders were never taught this one. There are shelves of books on managing your team and managing your boss, and almost nothing on the sideways conversation with a peer, where you have no authority and still have to work together on Monday.

So 70% of us avoid it, or worse, we go around them to the shared boss and quietly end the relationship. In this episode, Colby Morris tells the peer conversation he got wrong, what it cost him, and walks through the Third Chair: four moves for having the hard conversation with a peer without triangulating and without it turning personal.

"Going around someone you never talked to is triangulation. Escalating something you tried twice to solve directly is just the truth. Boss last, not boss first." Colby Morris, The Things Leaders Do

More on Handling Conflict With a Coworker

What is the Third Chair?

The Third Chair is a framework from Colby Morris for handling conflict with a peer. The default setup is two chairs facing each other, you versus them. The Third Chair is the move of putting the problem in a chair of its own so both people are facing it instead of each other. Colby breaks down all four moves in the episode.

Why shouldn't I go to my boss about a coworker problem?

Because it costs you three ways at once, and only one of them is the problem you went in about. Colby names all three, including the one your boss quietly files away about you.

How do I confront a coworker without starting a fight?

It comes down to your first sentence. Most people open with the complaint, which puts the other person on trial and starts a defense. There is a different opener that puts the problem on trial instead. Same facts, completely different next twenty minutes. Colby gives you both versions in the episode.

What is the difference between task conflict and relationship conflict?

Organizational psychologist Adam Grant draws the line simply: task conflict is people against a problem, relationship conflict is people against people. Peer conversations collapse from the first into the second faster than any other kind, because there is no rank and no referee in the room. The Third Chair exists to stop that collapse.

What if my coworker doesn't change after we talk?

There is a point where escalating to your boss stops being triangulation and becomes legitimate, and one condition that changes everything about how it lands. Colby covers the second conversation, the escalation, and the peer who turns your honesty into ammunition.

Research and Sources

Bravely found that 70% of employees are avoiding a difficult conversation at work, whether with a boss, a colleague, or a direct report.
The Myers-Briggs Company found that time spent dealing with workplace conflict roughly doubled between 2008 and 2022.
Adam Grant, organizational psychologist, on task conflict versus relationship conflict.
Patrick Lencioni, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, on artificial harmony and the fear of conflict.

Related Episodes

How to Have Tough Conversations with Employees
Stop Trying to Win Tough Conversations
How to Disagree With Your Boss (Without Getting Fired)
Conflict IQ Part I: Why You Need It Yesterday

About Colby Morris

Colby Morris is the Founder of NXT Step Advisors, where he helps leaders and organizations build cultures that put people first through keynote speaking, executive coaching, and leadership training.

Connect

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/colbymorris
Web: NXTStepAdvisors.com