Research from Notre Dame says more than 80% of workers are holding back at least one tough conversation at work. So when leaders DO finally have those conversations, they're walking in with the wrong goal — trying to win them.

In this episode, you'll learn:

Why "winning" the tough conversation is the move that actually loses you the team
The 30-year-old Harvard research that gets the goal of these conversations right
The Three Pre-Conversation Questions that change what happens when you walk in
The two language shifts that signal you're there to learn, not to deliver
The right way to know — one week later — whether you actually handled it

Walk into your next tough conversation trying to learn, not trying to win. The trust you build is the only scoreboard that matters.

The Three Pre-Conversation Questions (Colby Morris)

Before any tough conversation, ask yourself:

What am I missing?
What do they need me to understand?
How do I want them to feel when they walk out?

The One-Week Trust Test (Colby Morris)

Evaluate a tough conversation one week later, not in the moment, by asking:

Are they still bringing me things, or did they go quiet?
Has the team-wide energy shifted?
Would they take the same conversation from me again?

When to apply this guidance:

You're a middle manager or senior leader with at least one tough conversation in your queue right now
You've handled difficult conversations before but are seeing the same issues come back six months later
You manage a team where people seem to agree in the moment but don't change behavior afterward
You suspect your team isn't telling you the full truth about projects, peers, or the work itself

Research referenced in this episode:

University of Notre Dame, NDDCEL: 80%+ of workers are holding back at least one challenging workplace conversation
VitalSmarts (Crucial Learning): Each unheld or failed workplace conversation costs roughly $7,500 and seven workdays
Brené Brown — Dare to Lead: Seven-year research on the consequences of avoiding tough conversations, including the "dirty yes"
Stone, Patton & Heen — Difficult Conversations (Harvard Negotiation Project): The shift from "message delivery stance" to "learning stance"
Chartered Management Institute: 43% of senior managers have lost their temper, 40% have panicked and lied, and 80% have had no formal training on tough conversations

Related episodes:

Tough Conversations Part 2: When the First Conversation Didn't Work
How to Have Tough Conversations with Employees
The Conflict Series, Episode 2: How to Say Hard Things Without Burning Bridges
Difficult Conversations for New Leaders

Connect with Colby Morris:

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/colbymorris

Website: nxtstepadvisors.com

About The Things Leaders Do:

The Things Leaders Do is a weekly leadership podcast hosted by Colby Morris — Founder of NXT Step Advisors. The show delivers practical, immediately actionable leadership tools for middle managers and senior leaders navigating real workplace challenges. No corporate jargon, no theory you can't use — just real guidance you can implement before your next one-on-one. New episodes every Tuesday on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts.

Stop Trying to Win Tough Conversations (Win the Trust Instead)