← Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques
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- [00:01]
Matt Abrahams
Hi Matt here. One of my biggest stresses used to be wading through my emails. My anxiety would spike every morning when I would log on to see my inbox full of messages and calendar invites. This all changed once I found Superhuman. Superhuman has made my email experience so much better. I'm now more productive and focused. My inbox is organized and categorized. I schedule meetings easily and Superhuman's AI helps me draft and respond much more efficiently. Superhuman literally changed the way I work for the better. The start of the new year is a great time to take back control of your inbox and increase your productivity. Superhuman is offering the Think Fast, Talk Smart community access to one month free on the platform. And if you add any teammates in January, they also get a free month. To join, go to superhuman.comtfts that's superhuman.comtfts ts the holidays can bring out the best and worst in our communication and relationships. In this Rethink's Best of episode, we revisit advice from 2021 that still rings true today. Listen in to learn best practices from across many of our episodes on how to manage the stresses of the holidays. Once again, we are approaching the holiday season. As the year draws to a and many of us draw nearer to our family, friends and work colleagues, we often find ourselves cooking up yummy recipes to share and celebrate over. Yet invariably these interactions lead to challenges and awkward communication situations. So for this episode, we've decided to get into the Communication Kitchen to bring you a show filled of some of our favorite communication recipes to enhance your speaking and help you navigate holiday challenges. I'm Matt Abrahams and I teach Strategic Communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart. The Podcast if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know at the end of each episode, I ask all of my guests the same question Name three ingredients in a successful communication recipe. I have received a wide range of really helpful answers, some funny, some unconventional, and some have changed the way I think about communication. So here's our holiday gift to you. We've compiled some of the best ingredient lists we've received and present them here as strategies to help you handle three very common communication challenges that you might experience during your holiday season. First, how to excel at small talk. Second, how to insert yourself into a conversation. And third, how to handle conflict. Communication Challenge 1 How do you insert your voice in a conversation that's already going on? We don't want to seem rude or as if we're interrupting, yet at the same time we want others to hear our point of view, here are a few things you can do to help. First, think of leveraging a paraphrase. A paraphrase is where you summarize or distill down a key point that has been discussed and you simply insert your point after it. So you could say something cost, that's something I've been thinking a lot about, or Hawaii. That's a place that I've always wanted to travel to. Then you follow up with your idea or input. You could also ask a question as the conversation is going on. Simply throw out a question like, I'm curious about. That's another way to politely get your point of view into the conversation. And finally, you can lead or wedge into the conversation using emotion. Something like I'm concerned about or I'm excited by. Those are phrases that give you permission to interrupt and get your point across. Taken together, paraphrasing, asking a question, or sharing an emotion are great ways to get your voice heard and to insert what it is you'd like to say into the conversation. Here are three recipes from former guests that help give insight into how you can insert your ideas into a conversation. First, we'll hear from Associate dean at Stanford Graduate School of Business Brian Lowery, followed by GSB lecturer Rob Siegel, and then finally, Stanford neuroscientist Andrew Huberman. What are the first three ingredients that go into a successful communication recipe? Um, the first two jump right out to me. The third one is less clear. So I would say know your audience. One, you have to know who you're speaking to. I think you have to have a sense of what your goals are.
- [04:53]
Brian Lowery
What is it that you're trying to achieve? What do you want your audience to do? Um, that's been the second one.
- [04:58]
Matt Abrahams
Know what you want your audience to.
- [05:00]
Brian Lowery
Feel might be the third. Mm.
- [05:03]
Matt Abrahams
So I. I would say do. I'm going to separate the do and feel to get two out of that.
- [05:08]
Brian Lowery
I would say, number one, a clear takeaway, like get your message out concisely. Number two, showing general interest and enthusiasm for your topic. You can't just be on autopilot. And finally, if you can provide insights that are not obvious, if people can walk away thinking, oh, I learned something, or that made me think, that will actually keep people wanting to come back for more passion.
- [05:35]
Matt Abrahams
The speaker has to love the topic.
- [05:38]
Brian Lowery
An organizational logic. There has to be a structure to the information. It just can't be bullet points.
- [05:47]
Matt Abrahams
And clarity.
- [05:50]
Brian Lowery
If people walk away understanding more than they did at the beginning, then you won. Gets back to the most important thing to do is to teach your audience, educate them.
- [06:01]
Matt Abrahams
Next up is Communication Challenge 2 Small Talk. Small Talk can be challenging year round, but during the holiday season we're often needing to talk to lots of people. We often don't spend a lot of time with or in some cases even know. What can we do to get a conversation going and how do we sustain that conversation? Perhaps one of the best ways to do this is to use a strategy I've mentioned several times before on the podcast and that is what so what now? What? What is the information you want to share? Maybe it's your hobby or a recent experience or a current challenge you're facing. The so what is why it's important to you and perhaps to the people you're talking to. And then finally, now what? It's what you're going to do about it. Or maybe it's a question you ask others about what they think. This not only works well for you to initiate small talk, but you can get others to share their ideas and opinions using this exact same approach. Simply ask these questions. What? Ask what somebody's interested in or what they're enjoying currently. So what? Ask them why it's important and what they've learned. And then finally ask them now what? Ask for some advice or next steps. For example, if you know someone has started binge watching a new TV show, you could ask what's the show about? Why do you like it and how and where can I find it to start watching the what so what now what Tool is a very powerful way to initiate small talk or get others to chat with you. Here are some more communication recipes from previous guests that apply to this concept. First we'll hear from Stanford professors Jeff Hancock and Sarah Singer. And then we'll hear from Stanford GSB lecturer Bert Alper. What are the first three ingredients that go into a successful communication recipe from your perspective? Right. So first is structure. The second is story, which is sort of related. And the third is your audience.
- [08:08]
Brian Lowery
We are not islands in the stream, despite Dolly and Roger's great song, but.
- [08:14]
Matt Abrahams
We, we communicate together.
- [08:17]
Brian Lowery
Everything we do is a collaboration and a joint action.
- [08:20]
Matt Abrahams
And so you have to think about our audience as kind of collaborators, the structure of what it is we want to do.
- [08:27]
Brian Lowery
I think that's where I spend most of my work, mentoring when I'm doing talks. And then like I said before, telling the story. So the ones for me I think are a message, an important message that you find meaningful, that you want to convey. Uh, and the second is a connection. So thinking about how does your message relate to the people that you're trying to reach? And the third, as we've been talking about, is a story that moves people to agree or to action. So climate change is a classic example of this. Reform advocates first talked about polar bears losing their ice, and it was less compelling than the kind of message that you're hearing now, which is about this is critical for the survival of your children and your grandchildren, and we need to do something about it.
- [09:16]
Matt Abrahams
I'm going to go alliterative on you. Passion, preparation and personality. I want you to bring all the enthusiasm that you have for the topic. I want you to prepare in advance so that you know what your audience needs and wants. And I want you to bring your own personal style and flair to whatever conversation you're having Communication Challenge three Conflict unfortunately, the holidays can often bring conflict in emotional reactions. There are many ways to approach conflict, but the one I think works best is to see conflict as a problem to be solved. Solving this type of problem requires a collaboration between you and the other folks involved. Of course, this can be challenging for many reasons, including the emotions that you bring. And often many of these conflicts, especially when it comes to family and friends, are things that have been simmering and existing for a long while. If there's a way that you can manage those emotions, first maybe take a walk around the block. Write down some of the emotions you're feeling, or talk to a trusted other about these emotions. You need to express them, but perhaps not to the individual or individuals you're having the conflict with, at least at first. Once you have your emotions addressed, remember that conflict is an invitation to problem solve, which means you want your communication to be about the problem, not the people. Take the time to listen and understand the other person's perspective. Often, after truly actively listening, you realize that there are lots of opportunities for common ground and collaboration. Finally, when it comes to dealing with conflict, be clear in terms of what it is you're looking for. Sometimes we're so frustrated we just want change, but we're not sure what that change is. Make sure you understand what it is you're looking for and be able to clearly articulate it. Taken together, this advice can help you have a more enjoyable holiday time and productively manage conflict if it arises. Let's once again listen to some of the advice and recipes our former guests have given. We'll hear this time from Stanford Professors Tina Selig and Jeanne Tsai and GSB Professor Maggie Neal.
- [11:39]
Brian Lowery
Stand tall. You know just hold the space. Sometimes, I mean, there's a tendency to want to rush through what you're saying and to kind of be feel like somehow you're taking up people's time, but they're there to hear you. So you want to stand tall, slow down, and tell a story. So I think it's to know who you're speaking to and to anticipate what they might be interested in and at the same time to be really open to them and realize that you might not know everything about them. That counts as one ingredient. The second one is to be clear about what your message is, to think about the limited attention spans of everyone, all of us. So to really think carefully about what are the three things you want your audience to take home with them. And then the third, I I guess I already mentioned it in the context of the first one is to really pay attention to people's responses. First one is concern for the other. If I'm trying to communicate to somebody, I need to understand where they are and I need to frame my communication in a way that meets them where they are. And then I need to sort of help figure out how that communication can move them to a place that I would prefer them to be. And so that's why I think, for example, negotiation is such an important skill. Maybe together we can come up with a better solution than either one of us could have imagined separately.
- [13:06]
Matt Abrahams
It is my hope that the tools we have discussed for inserting your voice into existing conversations, making small talk, and managing conflicts can help make your holidays more enjoyable and less stressful. Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. To learn more about small talk, please listen to episode 169 with Alison Wood Brooks. And to learn more about conflict management, please join Think Fast Talk Smart Premium at fastersmarter IO Premium to hear a special Equips playlist that combines three previous episodes with some valuable learning guidance. Find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also, follow us on LinkedIn and Instagram and check out fastersmarterio for deep dive videos, English language learning content and our newsletter. We wish you a healthy and happy holiday season. Hi Matt here, I'd like you to consider becoming part of our Think Fast Talk Smart Premium Premium affords you lots of opportunities to get extensive extended deep things episodes, coaching through Ask Matt Anythings and access to a global community of people looking to hone and develop their communication and careers. Many people around the globe have already joined Premium special thanks to our ambassadors who've donated extra money to the cause. Please check out Faster, Smarter IO Premium. We look forward to seeing you there.