Episode Overview

Podcast: Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques
Host: Matt Abrahams
Guest: Chris Voss, former FBI lead international kidnapping and hostage negotiator, CEO of The Black Swan Group, co-author of "Never Split the Difference"
Episode: 228 – “Negotiate Your Way to Success: Empathy, Mirroring, and Labeling”
Date: September 9, 2025

This episode explores practical negotiation and communication techniques from high-pressure environments, focusing on tools like empathy, mirroring, and labeling. Chris Voss shares his unique insights drawn from FBI hostage negotiations, applicable to everyday and business situations, illustrating how emotional intelligence, careful listening, and tone can lead to more successful outcomes in any conversation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Chris Voss's Path to Negotiation Mastery

• Origins in Crisis Work: Chris started on a suicide hotline in NYC, considering it the best preparation for high-stakes negotiation ([03:00]).
  • "When I specifically began to train for it was when I volunteered on a crisis suicide hotline in New York City. I was told the best preparation was to volunteer on a suicide hotline." – Chris Voss [03:00]
• Training at Quantico: Attending the FBI's negotiation school, then continuous self-driven learning.

The Power of Emotional Intelligence

• Accelerating Outcomes Through Empathy:
  • Chris observed empathy could accelerate outcomes "14 times faster" in both crisis and everyday situations ([03:55]).
  • "Emotional intelligence is an insane accelerator to outcomes... the application of empathy accelerates you to wherever you're going to go, 14 times faster." – Chris Voss [03:55]
• Reflective Listening: Derived from Carl Rogers’ psychology, first encountered as "reflective listening" and foundational to all future work ([03:55]).

Staying Calm Under Pressure

• Skill Comes from Practice: Early hotline work put Chris on live calls with direct feedback; daily practice is essential ([05:10]).
  • "Anything that looks easy, that somebody makes look easy, they put a lot of time into." – Chris Voss [05:10]
  • "I gotta practice these skills today. It's not bike riding. I gotta practice every day or my skills deteriorate." – Chris Voss [06:11]
• Preparation Rituals: Chris uses gratitude exercises and relies on a practiced process; trusts his skills and lets outcomes unfold ([06:40]).

Pattern Recognition & Managing Overthinking

• Trusting Instincts: Decision-making in the moment is about trusting the subconscious “pattern recognition” abilities ([07:46]).
  • "Your gut does the pattern recognition. It’s not a conscious process." – Chris Voss [07:46]
• Overcoming Overthinking:
  • Referencing Ed Catmull's insight that overthinkers make mistakes at the same rate—just more slowly ([08:11]).
  • “The overthinkers make mistakes at the same rate as the people that are quick to pull the trigger. It just takes them longer...” – Chris Voss [08:11]

Adapting in Unpredictable Scenarios

• The Fallacy of One Course: In negotiation, there’s rarely a single path—flexibility is vital ([09:21]).
  • “The first thing is to realize there is no course. If you only imagine there's one course, then you're going to stick to it when all the data is telling you you're wrong.” – Chris Voss [09:21]
• Openness to Better Outcomes:
  • “Never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better. If you can maintain that flexibility in a moment, then you’re going to do really well.” – Chris Voss [09:21]

Rules for Communication in Negotiation

• Listening is Winning:
  • “He or she who talks most loses; if you’re explaining, you’re losing. You should probably be listening five times more when you’re talking.” – Chris Voss [10:22]
• Impact of What’s Unsaid: Words and silence both shape the negotiation ([10:32]).

Deep Dive: Mirroring and Labeling

• Mirroring: Repeat the last (1-3) words your counterpart said; prompts explanation and deepens dialogue ([11:04]).
  • "Mirroring is a delightful skill, which is repeating generally the last one to three-ish words of what somebody has said.... the other side will talk for 10 minutes." – Chris Voss [11:08]
• Labeling: Name an emotion or dynamic introduced by the other side, delivered neutrally ([11:00]).
  • Example: “It sounds like you’re telling me you’re incompetent.” (Delivered with upward inflection, not accusation.)
  • “The important thing about a label is it's gotta be a dynamic the other side introduces. You cannot introduce it, then it's fair game.” – Chris Voss [12:26]

The Crucial Role of Tone

• Tone Shapes Message Impact:
  • Analogy: Tone is like the spin on a bullet; the same words can have entirely different effects based on delivery ([13:18]).
  • “Tone is like the rifling on a bullet… For your words to hit the target... The same words, right? Land a thousand percent different.” – Chris Voss [13:18]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On everyday empathy:
  “If this is this effective with people in crisis, why doesn’t everybody in my life deserve it?... I started applying it on everything that I did.” – Chris Voss [03:55]

• On confidence in the process:
  “You know, I don’t know sure how this is going to come out, but the best outcome is if I just follow the process that I know.” – Chris Voss [06:40]

• On pace in conversation:
  "There’s so much of an advantage while you’re speaking to slow down a little, you know, let the moment play out... If you slow down to be more connected with somebody in the moment, to hear them, to make them feel heard... you give yourself time to analyze in the moment, you’re going to be a much better communicator." – Chris Voss [16:54]

Rapid-Fire Q&A: Chris Voss's Spontaneous Communication Advice ([16:15]–[19:12])

• Communicator Chris Admires: Katie Couric – for her ability to handle volatile personalities but maintain relationships ([16:22]).

• Advice for Speaking in the Moment:

  • “Just take your time... slowing the conversation down so you can absorb more information, so you can be more in the moment...” ([16:54])

• Homework for Matt (and listeners):

  • Use “Seems like you have a reason for saying that” in all conversations for a day to open up dialogue and surface deeper reasoning ([18:15]).
  • “You spend a day doing that, you are going to have four or five conversations. Just the vast majority of them are going to open up in ways you didn’t imagine possible.” – Chris Voss [18:57]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [03:00] – Chris Voss’s background: suicide hotline & FBI training
• [03:55] – Importance of empathy and reflective listening
• [05:10] – Practice and preparation in high-pressure situations
• [07:46] – Pattern recognition and trusting your gut
• [08:11] – Overthinking vs. action (Ed Catmull analogy)
• [09:21] – Adapting when things don’t go as planned
• [10:22] – “He or she who talks most loses”
• [11:04] – Detailed explanation: Mirroring and labeling
• [13:18] – Analogy: Tone as the “spin” on a bullet
• [16:22] – Communicator Voss admires: Katie Couric
• [16:54] – Advice: Take your time, slow down
• [18:15] – “Seems like you have a reason for saying that”: communication exercise

Episode Takeaways

• Empathy and emotional intelligence are accelerators for both resolving crisis and improving ordinary negotiations.
• Mirroring and labeling, when delivered thoughtfully and with the right tone, can unlock more honest exchanges and better outcomes.
• Routine practice, slowing down, and flexibly adjusting your approach are the keys to mastering spontaneous, high-stakes communication.
• Even outside life-or-death situations, taking a beat and inviting others to elaborate (“Seems like you have a reason for saying that”) can transform the quality of conversations and relationships.