269. Ask Matt Anything: Bring Clarity to Complicated Conversations

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Ask Matt Anything – Bring Clarity to Complicated Conversations

Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques
Host: Matt Abrahams
Episode: 269
Date: March 5, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this special "Ask Matt Anything" episode, Matt Abrahams invites members of the Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community to ask real-world questions about effective communication. The session dives into practical strategies for moving from reacting to responding under pressure, transitioning from memorized to conversational speaking, integrating skill-building into daily routines, and making learning collaborative and ongoing. The episode is rich in actionable advice, relatable anecdotes, and empowering techniques for anyone looking to communicate with more clarity, composure, and impact in both personal and professional contexts.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. From Reacting to Responding in Difficult Conversations

Speaker: Matt Abrahams
Timestamp: [02:36]

• Context: Florian from Switzerland asks how to maintain structure (e.g., "What? So What? Now What?" framework) when emotions run high.
• Matt’s Advice:
  • Create Distance: "If you can give yourself a little bit of data distance from the offending act... you can make a more conscious decision rather than just respond with whatever comes up."
    — Matt Abrahams [02:44]
  • Ask for a Pause: "You can literally ask for it. You can say, 'I wasn't expecting that,' or, 'Wow, that didn't feel so good. Give me a moment,' and just ask for it."
  • Physical/Breathing Techniques: Use the pause to take a deep breath and recognize your emotions.
  • React vs. Respond: "I make a difference between those two. React is to act again, meaning you think about it and then you respond is just to immediately do something."
    — Matt Abrahams [03:24]

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2. Moving from Memorizing to Conversing

Speaker: Matt Abrahams
Timestamp: [04:37]

• Context: A listener who used the "memory palace" technique for a TEDx talk asks how to be spontaneous while remaining coherent.
• Matt’s Insights:
  • When Memorization is Necessary: Sometimes, particularly in fields like law or medicine, "it is really important to get it exactly right."
  • Explaining Memory Palace:
    "The memory palace is a technique of using spatial location... in each room or area... you put a concept, an idea, some words."
  • Relying on Structure: "Structure provides a roadmap, like a GPS. It is hard to get lost if you have a structure."
  • Examples of Structures: Problem–Solution–Benefit; Past–Present–Future; Comparison–Contrast–Conclusion.
  • Practice in Low Stakes: "If you go from memorizing... to just relying on structure, it can feel like a big leap. That's why practice in low stakes situations is important."
  • Questions as Triggers:
    “I always say we're going to answer three questions today and then I pose the question as a trigger to help me remember the structure that I want to use.”
    — Matt Abrahams [08:09]

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3. Building Communication Skills into Your Routine

Speaker: Matt Abrahams
Timestamp: [10:29]

• Context: A French-speaking listener from Montreal asks about finding time for learning and being "interesting" in English public speaking.
• Matt’s Recommendations:
  • Learning by Doing & Learning the Why: Combine practical experience with understanding underlying principles.
  • Daily Integration:
    “We're communicating all the time... the things we say and the order in which we say it, all of that can be instructive.”
  • Curiosity Over Pressure:
    “The best way to be engaged in communication is to be curious. It's about being interested, not interesting.”
  • Paraphrasing and Small Talk: Ask questions, paraphrase, and encourage others to speak (“Tell me more” technique from his mother-in-law).
  • Self-Reflection Routine:
    “Every night before I go to bed, I spend a minute thinking about one thing that went well in my communication that day and one thing... I'd like to work on... then I make a plan for the week ahead.”
    — Matt Abrahams [12:00]
  • Accountability Buddy: Have a trusted friend to exchange feedback after meetings.

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4. How to Ask for (and Receive) Helpful Feedback

Speakers: Sarah (Egypt), Matt Abrahams
Timestamp: [13:10]

• Sarah’s Insight:
  “When asking for feedback, ...you tell them I'm focusing on improving this part... and then they give you a feedback on that. So I think this is a very good method.”
  — Sarah [13:35]
• Matt’s Extension:
  • Be Specific in Feedback Requests:
    “If I just say, 'Do you have any feedback for me?' ...the easiest route is to say, 'No, it was good.' …being specific... can be very helpful.”
    — Matt Abrahams [13:53]
  • Show You Heard Them: Demonstrate you listened and attempt to act on feedback to encourage further constructive responses.

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5. Learning Community and Collaborative Growth

Speakers: Multiple, including D (listener), Sarah, Matt Abrahams
Timestamps: [15:39], [17:04], [18:28]

• Value of Community:
  • Quests (guided learning journeys), asynchronous lessons, author talks, discussion boards, book lists, and AI coaching.
  • Collaborative Learning: Desire expressed for “pods” or small peer groups to discuss and apply learning together.
    “We learn best when we work together.” — Matt Abrahams [17:45]
  • Asynchronous Support: Community members value being able to post questions and get timely support (e.g., on presenting in virtual vs. live settings).
  • Book Club and Resource Lists:
    “In the chat on the FasterSmarter IO site, we have a whole book list. These are books from our guests and all of them have to do with communication in some way, shape or form.”
    — Matt Abrahams [21:11]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Psychological Distance:
  “If you can buy yourself just a little bit of time, you can think a little bit more, react rather than respond.” (Matt Abrahams [03:16])
• On Curiosity:
  “The best way to be engaged in communication is to be curious. It's about being interested, not interesting.” (Matt Abrahams [11:47])
• On Practice:
  “Practice in low stakes situations is important.” (Matt Abrahams [07:35])
• On Feedback:
  “People are much more likely to give you feedback if they feel like you're really listening and that you're really trying to make adjustments.” (Matt Abrahams [14:19])

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• [02:36] – Buying time to move from emotional responding to conscious reacting
• [04:37] – Transitioning from memorized speaking to structured, conversational delivery
• [10:29] – Integrating communication learning into daily life; “interested, not interesting”
• [13:10] – Getting actionable, specific feedback and building feedback routines
• [15:39] – How members use the Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community
• [17:23] – Benefits of collaborative, group-based learning versus solo study
• [19:10] – Access to ongoing support, resources, book recommendations

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Flow & Tone

Matt Abrahams steers the conversation with warmth, encouragement, and practical wisdom. His tone is inclusive, earnest, and adaptable, making complex communication concepts accessible. Audience members from around the world share perspectives, reinforcing the global relevance of these strategies and the supportive environment of the learning community.

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Takeaways for Listeners

• Pause before you respond: Buy time to collect your thoughts and respond intentionally, rather than impulsively.
• Use structures as roadmaps: Frameworks like “problem–solution–benefit” can help you speak confidently without full memorization.
• Embed learning into daily life: Make self-reflection and feedback-seeking a habit, not just something for formal occasions.
• Feedback works best when specific: Tell others what you want feedback on and show you value their input.
• Leverage supportive communities: Collaboration and shared learning accelerate communication growth.

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For more resources, interactive lessons, and to join future live AMA sessions, explore the Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community at fastersmarter.io.

Transcript

[A]

Hi Matt here with two ways to get deeper guidance and advice that can help your communication. First, check out our February newsletter to learn how to avoid a big nonverbal mirroring trap. Subscribe on our LinkedIn page or at FasterSmarterIO resources newsletter. Second, our friends at Kindle have a special offer running on my Think Faster Talk Smarter ebook. You can get a copy for less than $3. Go to Kindle to check it out. Happy learning and thanks for listening. Now a word from our sponsors. Their support covers the cost of production so we can bring you this show free. Think Fast Talk Smart is supported by Stanford Continuing Studies. If you want to feel more confident thinking on your feet and speaking up in high pressure moments, join me this spring for improvisationally speaking starting March 30th. This hands on practical course helps you handle everything from meetings and interviews to high stakes presentations with clarity and confidence. Open to the public and available online. Enroll today and explore other professional development courses from AI to startups and beyond at Continuing Studies Stanford Edu.

[B]

Ready, set, go.

[A]

Let's get into some communication conundrums and questions. I'm Matt Abrahams and I teach Strategic Communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to this Quick Thinks Ask Matt Anything episode of Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. One of the many, many things I love about the Think Fast Talk Smart learning community is interacting with our members. I do this through posts, comments and discussions along with Author talks and AMAs ask Matt anythings. Today I'm sharing a portion of a

[B]

recent learning community, AMA Listen in to learn about moving from reacting to responding,

[A]

memorizing to conversing and how to integrate these tips into your everyday life and consider joining the learning community at fastersmarter IO learning to ask your questions live.

[B]

So let's get to it.

[C]

I'm in Switzerland actually.

[B]

Oh excellent. Love to hear your question. Please.

[C]

I try to use the structure what now? What's the world? A lot and if I prepare myself it works quite well. Yes and then the conversation starts and I guess I'm a very emotional guy and that can be very impulsive. Once my values are hurt I start to become a little bit disruptive and I just lose control about every structure. Say a few things that make some stupid comments and then I get find difficulties how to control that situation.

[B]

What I'd like to suggest is a few things and you can let me know if you think they work and in fact you can try them out and then write me inside the learning community and we can engage in a conversation for me at Least. And what the research suggests is if you can give yourself a little bit of data distance from the offending act, whatever it is, somebody says something that upsets you, somebody disrespects you in some way, if you can give yourself a little bit of space, you can then make a more conscious decision rather than just respond with whatever comes up. So how can you do that? Well, a couple things. One, you can literally ask for it. You can say, I wasn't expecting that, or, wow, that didn't feel so good. Give me a moment and just ask for it. Now, that might feel weird to do, but it gives you a second. And in that moment, you can take a deep breath, you can recognize, hey, this is me feeling really upset at this moment, or this is me feeling very confused and giving that distance, that psychological distance can help. So I think the bottom line here, Florian, is if you can buy yourself just a little bit of time, you can think a little bit more, react rather than respond. I make a difference between those two. React is to act again, meaning you think about it and then you respond is just to immediately do something. And what I'm hearing is that you respond quickly and maybe buying yourself some time to react will help. Other questions that folks might have.

[D]

Yeah, Matt, I have a question, please. So I'm very fascinated with this idea of improv speaking and impromptu speaking. So I did a TEDx talk about two years ago, and that was all memorization and it was all memory palace. And I did a pretty okay job at it, I think. Do you suggest I use the basic trainings I got with memory palace and how to adjust that so that I can actually speak coherently, but also not be so fixated on that cognitive load, which is exactly my stumbling blocks.

[B]

I love this question. First and foremost, congratulations on focusing on this. Many people are just so glad to figure out a way to get information out, not looking to be more in the moment and spontaneous. Congratulations on giving a TEDx talk. There are times where you are in a situation where you have to say something exactly right. Imagine a medical professional, a legal professional, a politician, where it is really important to get it exactly right. And in those cases, if you don't have notes or a teleprompter, then using some kind of memory aid can be really helpful. Now, for those of you who aren't familiar, the memory palace is a technique. It's a technique of using spatial location to help us remember human beings. Our species is really good at spatial location and there are whole theories as to why. And so the Spatial palace has you put in your mind's eye information in locations that are very familiar for you. So the reason it's called palace, it often is done with a home or a setting. So if I am trying to learn something and really make sure I remember it, I think about my childhood home, the house I grew up in. I know the layout very well in my mind and in each room or area of the house I put a concept, an idea, some words. It helps me remember because I'm associating the information I want to communicate with a location I'm very familiar with. So essentially I'm piggybacking or hitchhiking on my brain's ability to remember location well. And so I just want to make sure everybody understood what we were talking about when we're talking about memory pallets. It's a very useful technique. In fact, there are memory competitions. There's a great book called Walking on the Moon with Einstein. It's about a journalist who is really fascinated by these memory competitions and so much so that he actually started entering them and ended up becoming a national or international memory champion. How can we feel more comfortable getting through material spontaneously? I really believe the answer is structure and practice. Structure. As we were just talking about what so what now? What is an example of structure? There are many problem, solution, benefit, past, present, future, comparison, contrast, conclusion, lots of different structures. A structure provides a roadmap like a gps. It is hard to get lost if you have a structure. So by knowing my structure well, let's say I want to use problem, solution, benefit. I'm trying to persuade people I know the problem well, I've thought about it, I've done research, it, whatever, I know the problem well, the solution is something I really believe in. So I also know that well. And I've thought about how I and others benefit. So by having those different parts of the structure known. Well, because I've thought about spent time doing it when I'm in the process of delivering the communication. And if for some reason I feel a little lost or concerned, I simply have to say, okay, I just talked about the problem. I know solution always follows. So that's how a structure provides a roadmap. Now, if you go from memorizing or using a technique like the memory palace to just relying on structure, it can feel like a big leap. And that's why practice in low stakes situations is important. So I wouldn't do this on a TED or a TEDX stage for the first time, but I might do it in a PTA meeting or in a team meeting when I'm presenting. So you have to practice and relying on structure. And a third thing that I do that really helps me, and for some people this works and for others it doesn't, is I use questions as triggers. So if I were using problem solution benefit, I might start my persuasive presentation meeting contribution by saying, there's a fundamental challenge that we have and I'd like to ask all of you, how can we solve it? So you see how I'm asking myself a question and because I know the answer to the question, it helps me get into the structure I want to use. So when I lecture my students, I never say, today we're going to cover three points. I always say we're going to answer three questions today and then I pose the question as a trigger to help me remember the structure that I want to use. So let me pause there. Do you think leveraging structure and perhaps questions would be helpful to you in these circumstances?

[D]

Absolutely. That really gave me great context. Thanks, Matt.

[E]

My question will be more about the preparation. I believe that my main challenge for public speaking is having something interesting to say, especially when I'm part of toastmasters at McGill University here in Montreal. My challenge is that first of all, I'm French speaking. I like to practice my public speaking in English so that I will grow, I will increase my vocabulary, grammar and everything in English. My challenge is that I sometimes like the vocabulary, obviously when I want to say some when I'm presenting or speaking. And I know that I just have to increase listening to podcasts, reading, etc. Etc. But my other challenge is structure, organize my day so that I still find time to to find some time of learning. I'm just curious and of my own business in pr. But I know I have to keep on learning and learning each and every day because just as you said, it's a way of training your brain and make sure that you grow in your knowledge and your also your speaking.

[B]

I like that you are thinking about improving communication not just by doing it and practice is really important, but by learning skills. The why behind the what and listening to shows like Think Fast, Talk Smart, Reading books can be very helpful to building that. And then the other thing I like that you said is the building in to your daily routine ways to learn and practice communication skills. You know, many of us think that communication is when we're standing up in a meeting or giving a big presentation or pitch, but we're communicating all the time the way in which we communicate and the things we say and the order in which we say it, all of that can be instructive. So when you're having a family meal and you're talking with your children, or when you are talking with a neighbor, there are things you can be thinking about and working on that will help you in those more formal types of communication. It's about intent, it's just about thinking. The best way to be engaged in communication is to be curious. It's about being interested, not interesting. And so if you can focus on asking questions, paraphrasing to show that you've heard what the person says, giving people more space to talk. You might have heard me tell this story about my mother in law. She was a black belt in small talk and she would simply say, tell me more. So as part of a conversation, she would give somebody space. And when you do that, you then find interesting things to talk about. So we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be interesting. And if we're interested, the interesting will follow. So ask questions, paraphrases, give people space to talk and you'll make a big difference. Every night before I go to bed, I spend a minute thinking about one thing that went well in my communication that day and one thing that I was not as pleased with, something I'd like to work on. And every Sunday I go back and I look at the list and I make a plan for the week ahead to work on that skill. So this week, something I did last week, I was part of a conversation and I didn't feel that I listened very well. I was rushed and I had an agenda in mind and I don't feel I listened very well. So this week I'm really working on my listening skills. Who knows what I'll work on next week. But that's how I have incorporated working on communication into my life. I know other people who have a trusted other, if you will, a communication buddy. And at the end of meetings, regular meetings, like maybe team meetings, they'll sit down with their buddy, their partner, and they'll just say, hey, give me one strength and one thing to strengthen. So they build in feedback close to the actual communication so it's fresh in their minds. Sarah, I see your hand came up. Happy to hear from you.

[F]

Yes, I just wanted to reflect on what you were saying. When asking for feedback, you just ask the person, but you don't ask them just for a feedback. You tell them, I'm focusing on improving this part or like talking or the body language or a specific category or a specific topic that you're working on and then asking this person to focus on that part that you're working on during a meeting or during a presentation, and then they give you a feedback on that. So I think this is a very good method. I've read about it. I've, I've heard it like.

[B]

And I really appreciate you sharing that. Sarah. Sarah, where in the world are you?

[F]

Egypt.

[B]

Egypt. Wonderful. Thank you. There's a whole bunch of research and a lot of experts make the same suggestion. When asking for feedback, it is very important to be specific about the feedback you want. Giving feedback is hard, and if you make it easy for people, people will often take the easiest route. If I just say, do you have any feedback? For me, it's the easiest route is to say, no, it was good. That's easy. It's not confrontational. So being specific, what are one or two things I could do to help make this meeting run more effectively? Do you hear how? That's a much more specific ask and it can be very helpful. Now, the other thing that's super helpful when asking for feedback is to demonstrate that you heard the feedback, doesn't mean you agree with it, and to try to act on it. People are much more likely to give you feedback if they feel like you're really listening and that you're really trying to make adjustments. Absolutely. And Sarah, I really appreciate that. Let me ask one question and then I think we'll bring this to a close. I'm curious if you have had a time to explore the learning community, and I'm curious to find what you are finding valuable from it. There are so many different features that will be helpful. We have our quests, which are guided opportunities to learn a particular skill that go for a certain number of days. So any one quest has challenges in it. We just did a quest together on small talk. We have lessons. These are asynchronous videos that cover different topics. We'll be releasing a new lesson every so often. In fact, our next one is coming out soon. We have author talks. I just spoke with a mentor of mine, Patricia Ryan Madsen. Fantastic. You can watch the recording of that. We have AI tools. We have one you type into that responds, and then we have one you can talk to. It's like having a conversation with me and lots of other things. I'm just curious if one or two of you would be willing to share what you're finding value in in the learning community, because we'd like to bring you more of it.

[A]

We'll be right Back to finish our conversation.

[B]

But first we're going to take a

[A]

quick break for a word from our sponsors. Their support covers the cost of production, so we can bring you this show for free. This episode of Think Fast Talk Smart

[B]

is brought to you by Squarespace.

[A]

You know, I talk a lot on this show about communication and increasingly part of that is having a place online where your ideas, your work and your voice can really live. But getting something like that started can

[B]

feel like a big lift.

[A]

That's one reason I appreciate Squarespace. It simplifies the process without sacrificing quality. You can build a professional looking website, claim your domain and even offer services like coaching courses or events all in one place without having to cobble together multiple tools. I especially like how their email campaigns connect with built in analytics. You can stay in touch with your audience, see what people are engaging with and make thoughtful adjustments without adding more complexity to your workflow. For me, it's really about removing barriers so I can focus on sharing what matters. If you've been thinking about building something, a project, a platform or a business, Squarespace makes it much easier to take that first step. Head to squarespace.comtfts for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code TFTs to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or or domain.

[D]

So I really love the author talks those really great.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

I did tune into the recent one and I think it has a lot of great content. I just time wise it's just a lot to get through.

[B]

Yes, of course.

[D]

If you thought of maybe having or implementing something like a collaborative.

[B]

Tell me more about this.

[D]

I find that I learn better when I am in a group setting or at least with one or two other people. And it fosters. Because we're talking about communication, it fosters that communication. And I think I could maybe learn new things from a few people who might want to join a POD or a smaller pod.

[B]

Absolutely, yes. And 100% we learn best when we work together. Thank you for sharing that. The goal of the quests to try to do that you can do it on your own. There will be times where we will organize them like we just did with the one on small talk. But also you have every right in the learning community itself to post and say I'm interested in, hey, there's this quest on whatever I'm interested in doing and see if other people will join you. So I'm not saying I'm not trying to put it all on you by Any means. We will try to facilitate some of this on a regular basis. But you also have the opportunity. Part of what I'm hoping happens in the learning community is people who have similar goals and everybody has different communication goals can find each other. But I love that idea. Other thoughts about the learning community?

[F]

Yes, for the small talks, the quest it was really up to. I couldn't attend all the they called like after the quest the next day, but I watched the recording. So it was really nice to hear from people when they said what they had practiced and to do what like what they did during these exercises, small exercises and what I liked as well. Like today for example, there was, I think it was about the movement and engaging with your audience. And I just posted a question because it was talking about presenting in real life, not online or virtual. And I was asking about how to do it virtually and to have this the same thing like do it online. And I got an answer like an hour after so. So the support there is very amazing.

[B]

Yes, everybody has expertise in communication. We've all been doing it for a long time. So I love that other people are sharing. I am certainly not the only voice that needs to be listened to or should be listened to. And thank you for taking the time to join not just the community, but for joining today. I hope you took value. I challenge all of you to continue to explore and do the work. We have another author talk coming up on February 12th. I'll be talking to my friend and linguist Valerie Fridland. One of my favorite episodes, I was talking to her and then we'll do another ask me anything towards the end of the month in February. So the goal is to have one author talk and one AMA a month in the learning community as well as some of the other things. So please take advantage of it and I appreciate that. I see. Lawrence, one more quick comment before we wrap up.

[E]

Yes, it was just about the quest. I really like the fact that I can take some time to pause and think. The quest really is really helpful in the reflection, the introspection, I don't know if there's the word in English thinking about what are the skills, the tips, the things that I already have that I can put into action to improve my my public speaking or tools that I could learn or improve, etc. And I really also enjoyed the the books. It's interesting to discover the type of books that we can read or the type of others or books that we can maybe others we can follow or books that we can read because sometimes it's about like there's a lot of knowledge around the world everywhere about communication. Sometimes you don't really know where to look. So it's good if with what you are doing with the book club, it's like giving us some kind of roadmap or some ideas.

[B]

Absolutely. In the chat on the Faster Smarter IO site, which is the site for the podcast, we have a whole book list. These are books from our guests and all of them have to do with communication in some way, shape or form.

[A]

Thank you for joining us for this Quick Thinks Ask Matt Anything episode. To join our next AMA Live, sign up for our Think Fast Talk Smart learning community at Fastersmarter IO learning. This episode was produced by Kathryn Reed, Ryan Campos and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder with thanks to Podium podcast company. Please find us on YouTube and wherever

[B]

you get your podcasts.

[A]

Be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also follow us on LinkedIn, TikTok and Instagram and check out fastersmarterio for deep dive videos, English language learning content and our newsletter. Please consider our premium offering for extended

[B]

Deep Things episodes and much more.

[A]

At first fastersmarter IO Premium. You'll also find value by joining our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning community. At fastersmarter IO Learning, you'll find video lessons, learning quests, discussion boards, an AI

[B]

coach and book club opportunities.

[A]

Again, that's FasterSmarter IO learning to become part of our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning community. Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe and explore past conversations. We're grateful for your support of Think Fast Talk Smart.