294. Ask & You Shall Receive: Questions For Better Negotiations

Summary

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Think Fast, Talk Smart: Communication Techniques

Episode 294: Ask & You Shall Receive: Questions For Better Negotiations

Host: Matt Abrahams
Guest: Stan Christiansen (Professional Negotiator, Stanford Instructor, Host of All Things Negotiation Podcast)
Date: June 4, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode explores what truly makes for successful negotiations, moving beyond traditional “winning” to focus on relationship-building, active listening, and inquiry. Host Matt Abrahams sits down with negotiation expert Stan Christiansen to break down core principles, practical techniques, and real-life stories, offering listeners actionable tools to elevate their own communication and negotiation skills—whether in the boardroom, at home, or in everyday interactions.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Negotiation and Success

(02:58–03:37)

• Negotiation is everywhere:
  Stan defines negotiation as “any attempt to persuade or influence another party, which is very broad.”
• Reframing success:
  Instead of a static win-lose view, Stan encourages a focus on “contributing to the value of the long term relationship.”

  “Probably 95% of the negotiations you’re going to do are going to be with people you see again.” (Stan, 03:21)

2. Core Takeaways for Negotiators

(04:12–04:39)

• Awareness:
  Recognize the frequency of everyday negotiations (“probably 100 [negotiations] if they’re honest about it.”)
• Contextual Effectiveness:
  Confidence in negotiating within common relationship settings (roommates, partners, employers, family).
• Reflective Practice:
  Encouragement to observe personal negotiation patterns for improvement.

3. The Essential Role of Active Listening

(05:16–06:12)

• Not just a “nice to have”:
  Listening is foundational; “you need to think about what you’re listening for in the negotiation.”
• Example:
  Stan shares a story about resolving resistance to a room change in a retirement home by asking, not assuming, the real concern.

  “She said, I’m worried that I’m gonna lose my nurse...And so we solved the problem. And that was based on listening to her real concerns.” (Stan, 06:01)

4. Using Questions and Inquiry

(06:12–07:24)

• Questioning = uncovering assumptions:
  Inquiry helps challenge assumptions and expand possible solutions.
• "Negotiation" is often really “Relationship Management”:
  Stan teaches this as the true underlying skill, noting that if he called his class “Relationship Management” instead of “Negotiation,” fewer students would enroll.

  “I use a little bit of a smokescreen there and teach relationship management.” (Stan, 07:30)

5. Addressing and Regulating Emotion

(08:30–10:09)

• Recognize and pause:
  Awareness of your emotional state is key. Taking a break can lead to better outcomes.

  “Often the best thing to do if you’re feeling angry is to pause...The sophisticated negotiator hits the pause button and returns when cooler heads can prevail.” (Stan, 08:53)

• Emotional authenticity:
  Don’t fake emotions; focus on being centered before entering big negotiations.

  “You shouldn’t be an emotional drunk driver in negotiation.” (Stan, 10:04)

6. Physical & Virtual Presence in Negotiation

(10:09–11:31)

• Connection first:
  In-person negotiations allow for richer connection, nuance, and rapport-building.
• Remote negotiations:
  More challenging for subtle communication and small talk; strive to maintain connection regardless of medium.

7. Balancing Assertiveness with Relationship

(11:31–13:07)

• Challenging assumptions about assertiveness:
  True negotiation often begins with questions, not assertions.
• Negotiation as joint problem-solving:
  See the process as collaborative (“In every negotiation, you are my teacher and I can learn things...” Stan, 11:55)
• Metaphors shape mindsets:
  Framing negotiation as a battle leads to conflict; framing as learning or teaching fosters collaboration.

8. The Power of Framing and Setting Expectations

(13:07–15:41)

• Frame with care:
  How you introduce topics changes the listener’s receptivity.

  “If I come to you, Matt, and we’ve had some tension...and I say, ‘Matt, I’d like to bring up something very difficult with you today,’ how does that make you feel?...Now let’s just change the frame a little bit...” (Stan, 13:07–13:41)

• Co-create agendas:
  Sharing or jointly building an agenda yields control while signaling collaboration.

  “There’s a famous saying in negotiation that the art of negotiation is letting them have your way.” (Stan, 15:41)

9. Environmental & Physical Setup

(15:41–17:02)

• Room orientation:
  How you physically sit and orient yourself can affect the outcome (“where you put yourself in the room, where the orientation is towards whatever the shared experience, the whiteboard, et cetera.” Matt, 16:37)
• Setup matters:
  Consider all elements of context before beginning.

10. Common Mistakes & Critical Skills

(17:02–17:40)

• Biggest mistake:
  Letting surprises hijack you; instead, investigate and question underlying assumptions.

  “Often something will come up that you weren’t expecting…then start inquiring and drilling down, what was I missing?” (Stan, 17:25)

11. Stories as Negotiation Learning Tools

(18:03–18:44)

• Learning via stories:
  Standout interviews (e.g., General Stanley McChrystal on trust and character as ongoing negotiations).

  “Character is, in fact, a negotiation. And it’s a lifetime of negotiating your character...” (Stan, 18:55)

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Highlighted Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Long-Term Relationship as Success:

  “Most people think of negotiation statically...when in reality, probably 95% of the negotiations you’re going to do are going to be with people you see again.”
  (Stan, 03:21)

• On the Power of Listening:

  “Listening is more than a nice to have. It’s essential.”
  (Stan, 05:16)

• On Training for Negotiation:

  “What we probably should do is have a class in public listening, because listening probably should be more than half of the conversation.”
  (Stan, 06:30)

• On Emotions and Negotiations:

  “You shouldn’t be an emotional drunk driver in negotiation.”
  (Stan, 10:04)

• On Co-creating an Agenda:

  “I’ve come with some thoughts and a draft agenda. We can either use that, or we can use an agenda that you have, or we can create one together on the whiteboard. What would be your preference?”
  (Stan, 14:39)

• On Letting Others Have Your Way:

  “The art of negotiation is letting them have your way.”
  (Stan, 15:41)

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Noteworthy Segments (Timestamps)

• Defining negotiation and its goals: 03:09–03:37
• Stan’s teaching philosophy and class takeaways: 04:12–04:39
• Listening as a negotiation tool & real-world example: 05:16–06:12
• Emotion and negotiation—why “never go to bed angry” is bad advice: 08:30–10:09
• Balancing connection and assertion: 11:00–13:07
• Effective framing in tough conversations: 13:07–13:51
• Physical and agenda setup tips: 15:25–16:55
• Top negotiation mistake and correction: 17:02–17:40
• Learning negotiation through podcasts & stories: 18:03–18:44

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Listener Q&A: Stan’s Advice & Bonus Insights

1. Presenting Disruptive Ideas to Skeptical Audiences

(21:41–23:04)

• Research your audience’s preferred communication style, ask for permission to present in that format.
• Create your own parameters (e.g., limit the time frame for meetings with VCs to build momentum).

2. Communicators Admired

(23:43–24:28)

• Dr. Martin Luther King: for his blend of “beautiful, vivid storytelling with moral authority”—even referencing Letter from Birmingham Jail as a negotiation document.

3. Three Ingredients for Successful Communication

(24:52–26:04)

• Vulnerability: Encourages openness and reciprocal vulnerability.
• Question your assumptions: Don’t presume the other person’s needs or intentions.
• Have an action plan: Ensure clear follow-through post-negotiation.

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Episode Takeaways

• Negotiation is everywhere: Approach conversations with an open, inquisitive stance.
• Build relationships: Value the ongoing nature of most negotiations.
• Listen actively: Uncover true needs and challenge your assumptions.
• Manage emotions: Pause and reflect before acting; never negotiate while emotionally “hijacked.”
• Frame thoughtfully: Set tone and expectations to preserve psychological safety and collaboration.
• Physical setup and agendas matter: Small environmental factors and joint planning boost outcomes.
• Be adaptable: Tailor communication to your audience and context—don’t rely on a “one-size-fits-all” approach.
• Embrace vulnerability and learning: These underpin sustainable negotiation and trust.

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Memorable Closing

“Negotiation is but one tool for managing [relationships]...thank you for challenging us to see negotiation more broadly and providing us with the tools and techniques to do it better.”
(Matt, 26:38)

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For more on negotiation, listen to Episode 15 with Maggie Neal and Episode 204 with Sheila Heen.

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Transcript

[A]

Hi Matt here. We're excited to celebrate a milestone. Think Fast. Talk Smart is approaching our 300th episode. To mark the occasion, I'll be hosting two free Ask Matt Anything events open to everyone around The Globe on June 3rd at 8am or 8pm Pacific. We'll run these on LinkedIn and YouTube. Before taking your questions, I'll share one of my favorite new communication structures for for advancing ideas and arguments. Anyone joining can submit questions online during the event, and a few of our learning community members will have the opportunity to ask me their questions live on video. Don't miss this opportunity to be part of this live AMA on June 3rd. Be sure to sign up on LinkedIn, YouTube or faster smarter IO live. Now a word from one of our sponsors. Their support covers the cost of production, allowing us to bring you quality, quality content free of charge. Over the course of my career, I've had the privilege of working with some truly great coaches and I've also spent many years coaching others. So I've experienced this from both sides and I can tell you firsthand, coaching makes a real difference. The challenge is that coaching has often felt out of reach for a lot of people. It can be expensive, difficult to access, or something people assume is only for senior executives. That's why I really appreciate what Strawberry Me is doing. Strawberry Me makes coaching more accessible, affordable and global, connecting you with a coach who's the right fit for you so you can find support wherever you are

[B]

and wherever you're trying to grow.

[A]

Whether you want to become a stronger communicator, a more confident leader, or simply more intentional in your career, having the right coach in your corner can make an enormous difference. And I think that matters because growth shouldn't depend on whether you happen to have access to the right mentor or organization. Everyone deserves support in becoming more effective, more thoughtful, and more confident in how they show up. Visit Strawberry Me smart and take 50% off your first session and make sure you let them know Matt sent you. That's Strawberry Me Smart. And now back to our conversation.

[B]

Successful negotiation is not about winning, it's about building long term relationships. My name is Matt Abrahams. I teach Strategic Communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. Today I look forward to speaking with my friend Stan Christiansen. Stan is a professional negotiator who has both practiced and taught negotiation for his entire career and he teaches a very popular Stanford negotiation course. Additionally, Stan is the host of the very informative All Things Negotiation podcast. Well, welcome Stan. I thoroughly enjoyed being on Your show and I'm glad you're here. Thanks for being here.

[C]

Thanks for inviting me.

[B]

Excellent. Shall we get started?

[C]

We should do it.

[B]

All right. If you think about it, we're always negotiating, sometimes formally and many times informally. How do you define negotiation and what makes for success in a negotiation?

[C]

That's a great question. I define negotiation as any attempt to persuade or influence another party, which is very broad. In terms of the second part of your question, how do you define success? Most people think of negotiation statically. It's you and I, There's a fixed pie. We're trying to get more for ourself and less feather party, when in reality, probably 95% of the negotiations you're going to do are going to be with people you see again. So I define success as are you contributing to the value of the long term relationship?

[B]

Yeah. And I think that's really important because you can do some things to better your position in a negotiation that might not be bettering your future interaction with the person. And so we really need to be thinking about not just what's happening in the moment, but its consequences. I think about, as I was raising my kids, there were lots of things that I chose not to really negotiate because I knew we would have future conversations. So I think that's an important way to look at negotiation. Like me, you teach Stanford students and your students really enjoy your class. What are two or three key things you hope your students take away from your content on negotiation?

[C]

Yeah, the first thing is just awareness that they're negotiating all the time. So the very first week of class, I have them keep track of the negotiations that they engage in throughout the week. And it's probably 100 if they're honest about it. Number two, I try to help them be effective negotiating in the context they're most likely to negotiate in. Those tend to be roommates, romantic partners, employers, potential employers, parents. And so if they come away from the class more confident that they can do those things, that's a success for me.

[B]

So it sounds like awareness and confidence in the ability to do it. And I like that idea of reflecting, you know, we communicate all the time. Not all communication is negotiation, although much of it is taking the time to say, what am I doing? What do they look like? And maybe some of your students identify patterns and you can help them better understand what's working and what's not working. I think that's really helpful. I know one of the things you teach, which I believe personally is really important in all communication, but you teach Listening. Why is listening part of negotiation curriculum? And can you share some of the best practices you teach your students about listening and how it applies to negotiation?

[C]

Listening is more than a nice to have. It's essential. One of the things that I say about listening is you need to think about what you're listening for in the negotiation. Think about questions you might have that might elicit things that make you question some of your assumptions. I'll give you a recent example. I was visiting a family friend in a retirement community, and. And the family wanted to move her from the first floor to the second floor. She was resisting tremendously. They assumed she didn't like the smaller room. They assumed she didn't like the stairs. It was really a lot of bickering. And they came in and said, stan, you know, you're a good friend of the family. Can you help us with this situation? When I asked her, what are the real reasons that you're afraid to move? She said, I'm worried that I'm gonna lose my nurse because she's the nurse on the first floor, and I don't wanna change nurses. And so I simply said to the director of the facility, I what if we had that nurse stay with her and have the nurse travel rather than her get someone new? And they said, that'd be fine. And she said, that'd be fine. And so we solved the problem. And that was based on listening to her real concerns.

[B]

What I find so interesting about what you just said is listening is equipping you to ask the right questions. And I don't often think of negotiation as question asking. I think of it as asserting. Talk to me about how questioning, inquiry, thinking about the other person plays out when you're negotiating.

[C]

Well, you know, we have classes in public speaking. What we probably should do is have a class in public listening, because listening probably should be more than half of the conversation. If you listen, it's not just to be a moral person or be a friendly person. It's because it's gonna equip you to come up with solutions that expand the pie as we talked about before. And so it's a persuasive element to listen as opposed to a nice to have.

[B]

I really think that's important for everybody to think about when it comes to negotiation. I tend to look at negotiation as something where I want to win or have my point of view dominate in that conversation. And what I'm hearing you say is before you negotiate, you actually have to listen and then ask questions to best understand what's Important in the example you gave, I wouldn't have thought that the thing that was preventing that move was something external to the person who was having to be moved, but it was. And so by asking the questions, I guess it helps you focus in on where you have that negotiation.

[C]

Yeah. A lot of my students show up to my class hoping they're going to learn how to win. And a lot of them sign up because it's called negotiation. That sounds sexy. But what I teach them is relationship management. Now, if I called the class not negotiation, but relationship management, I think I'd get a lot fewer kids. So I use a little bit of a smokescreen there and teach relationship management.

[B]

One of the big ways we manage relationships is through the negotiation, the influence that we have. But you have to really understand who you're talking to and what's important to them. My wife and I will often have negotiations when in fact, we probably didn't need to because we didn't appreciate each other's perspective. The example I always give is if we want to go out to dinner, and she says, hey, let's go out to Mexican food, and I say no to Italian food. That could be a negotiation. But when we ask each other, how important is it? For me, it's not that important, and for her it's very important, then we don't have to. And that helps us manage our relationship. So I like this idea of listening and inquiry. But it does bring up the question, though. Often in negotiation, emotion plays out. You're very passionate about the topic you're advocating for. You might get angry because somebody isn't going along. How do you deal with emotion in these kind of situations?

[C]

Yeah, it's a great and common question. The first piece is to be aware of your emotions. Let's just take one of the examples. You brought up. Anger. Have you ever been in an argument with your wife towards the end of the day where you might be going to bed angry, but you still try to work it out? Has that ever happened to you in your marriage?

[B]

I wish I could say no. But yes, it does happen.

[C]

And one of the pieces of advice you hear, I heard before I got married, is never go to bed angry. You couldn't give people worse marital advice. Often the best thing to do if you're feeling angry is to pause. And so you know when cooler heads prevail, maybe the next morning after a good night's sleep. And so when you're feeling emotionally hijacked, maybe a little bit out of control, the sophisticated negotiator Hits the pause button and returns when cooler heads can prevail.

[B]

Right. So I think it's first recognizing the emotion and then giving yourself permission to take that pause and find perhaps an outlet, write it down, talk to somebody about it, and then come back to it. Does emotion, though, play a role? I can imagine that if I bring a level of intensity, passion, it could help me actually show that this is important to me.

[C]

Yeah, you don't want to think about emotion tactically. What you want to do is be as genuine and be yourself. Because people that use tactics and try to act like they're upset when they're not upset, we tend not to be very good at lying about our emotions. And so what I think you want to do is be emotionally centered. What I often recommend to people is before you enter an important negotiation, go and just whatever the quiet place is for you, and pause and think about, what am I feeling? What am I bringing? Do I need to shift gears in my emotion? Way too many people try to plow through negative emotions. Whether they're hurt or sad or angry or feeling melancholy. They just approach it and try to drive in. It's just like if you'd had too much to drink, you probably shouldn't jump in that car and drive. You shouldn't be an emotional drunk driver in negotiation.

[B]

That's a really appropriate metaphor that I think can really help us remind ourselves that we need to be centered. And if we are in a place that's not going to lead to not just the negotiation, but the future relationship the way we want it to, we need to address it. I am curious about how we show up in terms of our presence, what we do with our body and our voice. Does this have implications for negotiation, how you physically show up?

[C]

It absolutely does. A modern topic related to this is distant negotiations. Whether it's zoom or Google Meet. And I always recommend to people, if at all possible, meet live and in person. Because those nuances of body language, and not only that, it's much easier to create small talk if you're live in person. I find that when I'm on a zoom meeting or any type of negotiation, it's get down to the business. And so we miss the subtleties, we miss the nuance.

[B]

I've heard across several of your answers. This notion of connection before you do the negotiation with yourself, your emotions, where are you? Help regulate that, but then connect with others. Given that in a negotiation you're trying to assert a particular point of view or position, how do you balance, hey, I'm A nice person. I want you to like me. I want this relationship to continue. But I also need this to get done or want this to get done, or see this as the right way of doing things. I agree connection is important, but how do you thread that needle? That's a tough thing, I would think.

[C]

Number one, I would question the assumption that you need to assert in a negotiation. If I come to a negotiation with some questions, that might change some of the assumptions I came with, I might want to assert or problem solve or create options that are different than the thing I came with. And so in every negotiation, you are my teacher and I can learn things that help us both work together to expand the pie rather than advocating. The reason that attorneys often aren't very good at negotiation and I don't want to overgeneralize. But what are attorneys trained at doing? Mostly they're advocates for their clients. How good are attorneys at joint problem solving? Let's roll up our sleeves. Let's figure out a structure that works for both sides and rewards the long term relationship, which is again, our goal. Attorneys aren't very good at that.

[B]

Interesting. You said something there that I want to double down on. We had Michelle Gelfand on. Michelle teaches at the business school with me. She likes to talk about this notion of minding your metaphors. The metaphor you approach any communicative act frames how you do it. So if I see a negotiation as a battle, I'm going to approach it very differently than the metaphor you used, which I really liked. Is the person you're negotiating with are the people you're negotiating with are your teachers. And if they're your teachers, that means one, you're both working to learn, they're to teach and you to learn. And that there's a collaboration that's inherent in that. I really like that approach. Part of that then is the questions that we bring and ask. So I'm wondering, have you found in your own experience and do you teach? I can imagine how I frame the position that I have or the issue we're negotiating really matters. If I frame it as a question, is that different than framing it as an assertion? What does framing mean for this?

[C]

So let's think of an example of framing. Let's say that I come to you, Matt, and we've had some tension in our relationship. And I say, matt, I'd like to bring up something very difficult with you today. How does that make you feel?

[B]

Concerned. I'm taken aback.

[C]

You're defensive. Exactly. And that's 99% of people. Now, let's just change the frame a little bit. Matt, look, there's something I've been meaning to bring up with you. I've had a hard time bringing it up. I've sought counsel from some of my friends on how to do it and I'm feeling ambivalent about doing it. But we're both teachers of communication and so I'd like to try to do that. But I want you to work with me on it. Would now be a good time to do that or should we just set up a formal meeting? How do you feel now?

[B]

One, I'm curious and two, much more willing to roll up my sleeves and work with you on it. So the way you frame that the position you came from does make a huge difference.

[C]

Yeah. And so what you want to do with someone is make them feel comfortable, come to them thinking, I want to joint problem solve. I want, I want to figure out how to build the relationship over time, put them at ease. And that's one of the key skills in negotiation.

[B]

Yeah. So that small talk, that connection really does make a difference. In addition to the framing, are there things that we can do in advance to the negotiation to help? I'm a big fan of setting expectations, helping people understand what's going to unfold. Can we do things in advance and can you give us an example or two? So I'll share with you sort of the thing I'm fishing for. When I run meetings, I will make sure in my meeting invite, I'm very specific about what we can expect, how we're going to go through it. So when people show up, they're not surprised. Are there things that we can do like that to help with negotiation?

[C]

Well, let's just take your example of having an agenda. So I always do the same thing. I always start with an agenda. Now people can feel that you're being controlling. If it's your agenda, let's say it's a two party negotiation. So what I always say is I've come with some thoughts and a draft agenda. We can either use that or, or we can use an agenda that you have or we can create one together on the whiteboard. What would be your preference? How often do my counterparts say, yeah, I also came with an agenda and I'd rather use mine. How often does it happen? It's never happened in my whole career. So that gives you a lot of power in the negotiation. You're going to control the agenda. And so what should go on the agenda you should think about? What are the Objectives, okay, what people should be there? What's the process for communication? Is this a one time meeting? Are we clear about the outcomes? And then I would go into some of the things that I wanted to either communicate or learn in the meeting. Then we have other frameworks that we can talk about.

[B]

I really like the offer to co create an agenda. Even if they don't take you up on it, it shows that you are willing to be collaborative, listen and work together to define it. And I think that positions that connection and a respect that really only serves you benefit in that.

[C]

And the other thing I'll do to even go the next step is I will maybe put my chair on their side of the table and share the agenda or put it up on a whiteboard so that we're co creating it. There's a famous saying in negotiation that the art of negotiation is letting them have your way. Now it feels a little manipulative, but on an agenda, having them feel like a co creator of that agenda makes all the difference in the world.

[B]

I like that. Let them feel like they're having your way. That's great. You said something there that I really want to highlight that you can actually manage not only the agenda, but the physical setup of the room. I remember when I was learning to be a high school teacher. I taught high school for two years when I left high tech. Before I started the career I have today, I taught high school and they taught us classroom management. And one of the things they said is when you are sitting down with a student who has done something inappropriate, wrong, challenging, think about how you set your chair to face their chair. Is it shoulders facing each other or do you hit the chairs askew so you're not directly. And it makes a tremendous difference. So I really like you highlighting where you put yourself in the room, where the orientation is towards whatever the shared experience, the whiteboard, et cetera. Thank you for bringing that up. And most of us don't think about that at all. We just come sit wherever we can.

[C]

Yeah, I think just put that under the category of setup. You want to have a setup that works for both sides before we switch

[B]

topics to talk about a few other things. Can you share one mistake many people make when they go to negotiate that does a disservice to them? And is there one thing beyond listening and some of the other things you've talked about that you wish everybody was doing that would really help them in negotiation?

[C]

The biggest mistake I see people make is to get hijacked by a surprise. Often something will come up that you weren't expecting. All that means is that some assumption you are making is coming into question. So what they should do is then start inquiring and drilling down, what was I missing? How do I get to this assumption I made that was in fact, incorrect? And so that's a mistake a lot of people make.

[B]

I like that. So the mistake and the correction there. So if something goes awry or doesn't go the way you expected, rather than entrench yourself or get distant, lean in and ask questions. Really helpful. You host an amazing podcast. You were very kind to have me on as a guest. It's called All Things Negotiation. I've learned a lot from it. Why did you choose to do a podcast, and what do you hope to accomplish with it?

[C]

Yeah, it's a great question, really. Two things we teach here at Stanford. That's a very small, elite group of students. And so my podcast is an effort to get the word out of how to negotiate to a broader audience. So how do you learn negotiation? The best way you can learn is by hearing people's stories. So I interview people who are experienced. They might be working in the startup world, they might be working in government, they might be working in the world of sports. I've even had athletes on there. And so it's sharing people's stories about negotiation to create learning that's really the most important thing. The second reason is it's fun. You and I met each other because of my podcast, and so I constantly meeting new people and improving the things that I teach my students.

[B]

One of the things I really value about how you do your podcast is you solicit a lot of stories from your guests. Is there a story that you learned that had a change or impact on the way you communicate and negotiate?

[C]

I do think I've learned from all of my guests, including you, of course. The one that jumps to mind is General Stanley McChrystal. I was fortunate to interview him, and I've been thinking about the interview ever since. And the reason I've been thinking about it is he recently wrote a book called On Character. And he talks about how character is, in fact, a negotiation. And it's a lifetime of negotiating your character, the ability to trust one another, more importantly, to be trustworthy. And if we look at our country and what's going on right now, we need more people that have developed relationships of trust and character. And he's not only a great example of that, but in the interview, he teaches us how to do that.

[B]

I love that. You learned from somebody who's a great teacher. I've had the good fortune to interview him as well, but also point about trust and building trust. So important.

[A]

We'll be right back to finish our conversation, but first, a quick word from one of our sponsors. Their support allows us to bring you

[B]

this show free of charge.

[A]

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[B]

This has been a great conversation, as I knew it would. Before we end, I'd like to ask everybody three questions. One, I'm going to make up for you. And the other two, I've been asking across all the podcast episodes. Are you up for that?

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

Excellent. Beyond the negotiating you do and the teaching that you do of negotiation, you've navigated the venture capital world. You've raised money, you've helped people raise money. What's your best advice for communicating a new disruptive idea to those who might be skeptical or unsure of what you're saying?

[C]

Yeah, the most important advice here is to present as they want to be presented to. Most venture capitalists either have a video or a blog or something online talking about how they like presentations to go. So if you come with that information, hey, I did some research on your firm and you guys tend to like to use PowerPoint or you guys tend to just like to do Q and A. And I would start by saying, I've done some research. I assume that what you guys really like to do is Q and A. Should we jump right to that? Or I have a PowerPoint, we can use that. So you're kind of asking for permission and then they feel like, wow, you're sophisticated. The second thing about venture capitalists is they're a little bit like car dealers in the sense that they know what they're doing. If you try to play their game, they're going to win, they're going to play it better. And so what I say is, rather than try to play their game better, create the terms for the game. And I tell students, create a two week period that you're willing to talk to venture capitalists, define that so that they don't drag it out for four months and introduce you individually to their partners over a long period of time. And it creates a little bit of a scarcity mentality. So don't try to play their game, play your game, because you're not going to play their game better.

[B]

So the very first thing I heard you say is take time to reflect on your audience and many of these folks will tell you how they want to be communicated with. So appreciate that and act accordingly. And then the other thing that's implied in that is you have to adjust and adapt your message. A lot of people I know who I help with pitching just create one pitch and they just keep delivering it in different circumstances. And what you're advising is, no, you have to adjust and adapt to what they tell you. And then the second part of your advice is set up parameters. You can bring your own parameters and boundaries to the interaction and that can be helpful because it can build momentum more quickly. I'll be curious to hear your answer to question number two. Who is a communicator that you admire and why?

[C]

Gosh, there's so many. The one that comes to mind is Dr. Martin Luther King. And the why is he was able to fuse beautiful, vivid storytelling with moral authority in a way that I don't know anyone else who has done that. For my students, I have them read the Letter from Birmingham Jail every semester and we look at that as a persuasive document. It's in effect, a negotiation. And so what Martin Luther King was able to do by both the written and spoken word for me puts him in the hall of fame. No one touches him. He essentially appealed to our consciousness. And if you can appeal to someone's consciousness and change a generation, he fast forwarded how we manage, and we're still negotiating race relations, but he did more to change how we think about that than any other person. And so I think he's my top choice.

[B]

I really love that you use one of his speeches as an example of negotiation. I have used several of his speeches as examples of lots of things. Rhetorical flourish, clarity, engagement. But I've never used it as a negotiation. That's really fascinating. Thank you for sharing that and thank you for doing that with our students. Final question. What are the first three ingredients that go into a successful communication recipe?

[C]

Well, I'm not much of a cook, but I have a lot to say about negotiation. I would say the first one that comes to mind is vulnerability. We assume that we should come in very strong, very powerful, to use your word, advocate, when in reality, if you can be vulnerable, it tends to beget vulnerability on the other side. So that'll be my first ingredient. Second would be to question your assumptions. And let's just drill into that a little bit more than we did earlier. We all come with assumptions. I come with certain assumptions to this conversation. We're both white males, we both teach at Stanford, we're both middle aged, we have kids. A lot of similarities, but there are probably some things that we really see differently and fleshing that out. And so question the assumption that you understand the other party, that you know what they want, and as we talked about earlier, that there's nothing they could tell you that wouldn't change your objectives for what a successful outcome would be in the negotiations. That would be. Second is questioning your assumptions. I'd say, third, have an action plan for going forward. Often people negotiate very complex agreements and they go file that in the digital file somewhere. And what gets implemented is totally different. In the world that I used to work in, mergers and acquisitions, often they don't work out very well. And the reason is no one is focused on the implementation. So it doesn't matter how effective you are at negotiation and if the deal doesn't get implemented effectively. So that'd be my third ingredient.

[B]

I really like that you start answering this question with vulnerability. And when I think about negotiation, vulnerability is the antithesis of what I think about. But I can really see based on what you've shared, not just in this answer, but prior, how that really sets you up to have a relationship that sets the negotiation on a path to success. Questioning assumptions? Absolutely understand why that's important. We come in perhaps more rigid than we should in staying open and then having a clear action plan for what comes next. Even though you say you're not a good cook, I can certainly see that you're going to set up a great negotiation. Stan, this has been fantastic. This has really been helpful. You've laid out what makes for successful negotiation and more importantly, successful relationships. And really, negotiation is but one tool for managing those relationships. And thank you for challenging us to see negotiation more broadly and providing us with the tools and techniques to do it better. Thank you.

[C]

Nice to be here.

[B]

Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. To learn more about negotiation, please listen to episode 15 with Maggie Neal and episode 204 with Sheila Heen. This episode was produced by Kathryn Reed, Ryan Campos and me, Matt Abrahams.

[A]

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