296. AMA: Speaking Out, Staying Grounded, and Managing Up - Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques

Summary6 min read

Podcast Summary: Think Fast, Talk Smart – “AMA: Speaking Out, Staying Grounded, and Managing Up” (Ep 296)
Host: Matt Abrahams
Date: June 11, 2026

Episode Overview

In this Quick Thinks AMA (Ask Matt Anything) edition of Think Fast, Talk Smart, host Matt Abrahams responds to live audience questions about real-world communication challenges. The episode zeroes in on three essential topics:

How to get your point across in crowded conversations (“wedging” in meetings)
Strategies for remaining an effective listener in emotionally charged situations
Best practices for providing feedback “upward” to a boss who pushes their own agenda

Matt offers practical, actionable tools for navigating high-pressure communication scenarios, drawing on his teaching, research, and lived experience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Wedging Your Point of View into Busy Conversations

Timestamp: [02:03]

Challenge: In meetings where many people are talking, it can be tough to insert your perspective without seeming rude or overly aggressive.
Matt’s Three Techniques:
1. Ask a question:
  - Example: “I'm curious, how would we...?” or “What does this mean for...?”
  - “A question is a great way to initially wedge.” – Matt ([02:55])
2. Paraphrase and add:
  - Reference what someone else said, then offer your point.
  - Example: “Cost is really important. In fact, one element is…”
  - “By labeling [a key concept], you are summarizing what you have just heard and then you add your point.” – Matt ([03:26])
3. Lead with emotion:
  - Example: “I'm concerned about…” or “That's very exciting because…”
  - “When people hear an emotion, they'll stop and...want to hear more.” ([03:47])
Preparation Tip:
- Know your “bottom line” before you speak up:
  - “Before I wedge my content into the conversation, I'm thinking about what is the specifics I want to say.” – Matt ([04:18])
Consequence of not prepping:
- If you jump in and “meander,” you risk losing credibility and future opportunities for input.

2. Listening Effectively When Emotional

Timestamp: [05:03]

Challenge: Strong emotions (positive or negative) can interfere with effective listening.
Matt’s Steps:
1. Acknowledge and allow emotions:
  - Don't suppress what you feel; recognize its presence.
  - “The emotions are there and they're real and you need to acknowledge them, but they can interfere.” – Matt ([05:18])
2. Call it out (without labeling):
  - In the moment, say: “This is bringing up a lot for me.” Don’t name the emotion specifically.
  - For others’ emotions, acknowledge intensity: “I can see this is bringing up a lot for you,” rather than labeling specifics (e.g., “You seem frustrated”).
  - “You don't want to label their emotion...Instead, you can say, ‘I can see this is bringing up a lot for you.’” – Matt ([06:50])
3. Create psychological distance:
  - Mindfulness technique: “This is me feeling frustrated/excited.” Name the experience to gain perspective.
  - “Rather than getting swept away with the emotion...that can help as well.” – Matt ([07:17])
4. Reground in your body:
  - Notice sensations—feel feet on the floor, touch a desk—to anchor in the present.
  - Deep breathing further helps re-center.
After or before tough conversations:
- Journal or talk with a trusted person to process emotions.
- “Emotion does loom large. It's part of being human. It serves a purpose, but you don't want it to interfere with the communication you're having.” – Matt ([07:57])

3. Giving Feedback to a Pushy Superior

Timestamp: [09:53]

The Dilemma: How do you give feedback to a boss who's always pushing their own agenda and not listening?
Matt’s Three-Stage Approach:
1. Reward the Positive:
  - If your boss ever displays the desired behavior, acknowledge it specifically afterwards.
  - Example: “I was really appreciative of how we heard from everybody in the meeting this time.”
  - “Many of us will hear that as leaders we want to be rewarded...That kindergarten self of us likes the star for the day.” – Matt ([10:34])
2. Own it, Frame from Your Perspective:
  - Use “I” statements about how you work best, not what the boss is doing wrong.
  - Example: “It's really important for me, when I do the work I do, to consider as many options as possible. Can we hear other opinions in our meetings?”
  - “Own it from your perspective...A boss's job is to be in service of you, to help you in some way help them achieve their goals.” – Matt ([11:21])
3. Invite Honest Conversation:
  - If all else fails, ask permission to share feedback: “I’m curious if you’d be open to me sharing something I think could really help me and others.”
  - Be specific, stay positive, and invite dialogue.
  - “It's an invitation for them to be open to your feedback. Don’t just come in and say, 'Gosh, it really frustrates me when...’” – Matt ([12:04])
Preparation Suggestion:
- Practice with a trusted person or even an AI tool to clarify your message and tone.
- “Find a trusted other, maybe even use an AI tool and just speak it out...This is one of [Coach AI’s] major use cases.” – Matt ([12:33])
Emotional Impact:
- “This kind of frustration can be really harmful for your own psyche...ruin your motivation at work.” – Matt ([12:18])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“We want to make sure that we wedge our point of view into the conversation, but we want to do so in a timely manner.” – Matt ([02:17])
“If you jump in and I'm wandering and meandering, one, it'll be disappointing to everybody and perhaps confusing, and it might set me up for the next time I want to do that in a position or way I don't want it to be.” – Matt ([04:29])
“You don't want to label their emotion...Instead, you can say, ‘I can see this is bringing up a lot for you.’” – Matt ([06:50])
“A boss’s job is to be in service of you...So if you come to them with something that will help you help them or help the group, it should open up the door to at least them considering what you’re saying.” – Matt ([11:36])
“Emotion does loom large. It's part of being human. It serves a purpose, but you don't want it to interfere with the communication you're having.” – Matt ([07:57])

Timestamps for Key Segments

[02:03] – How to wedge your point into busy meetings
[05:03] – Strategies for listening when you’re emotional
[06:50] – Responding to others’ emotional cues without labeling
[07:17] – Mindfulness and grounding in the moment
[09:53] – How to give feedback to your boss
[10:34] – Rewarding positive behavior in superiors
[11:21] – Using “I” statements to manage up
[12:04] – Inviting honest dialogue with authority figures

Takeaways

Actionable, low-risk ways to insert viewpoints, manage emotional dynamics, and give feedback thoughtfully—even in hierarchical or high-pressure settings.
Emphasis on self-awareness, preparation, and the human elements underlying all communication.
Matt’s tone: practical, encouraging, positive, and rooted in both research and lived experience.

For further resources, transcripts, and related episodes, visit fastersmarter.io.

This summary was prepared to help listeners and non-listeners alike quickly access the episode’s central insights and actionable strategies, preserving Matt Abrahams’ clear, personable tone.

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Transcript7 lines

[00:00]
A
Hi Matt here. I wanted to remind you that for each episode we provide English Language learning support where we share useful information to help you develop your English skills. Check out these English Language learning and other resources along with our newsletter and Deep Dive videos at fastersmarter IO under Resources Now a word from our sponsors. Their support covers the cost of production, allowing us to bring you this episode free of charge. One of the biggest frustrations in our modern work is that tools that are supposed to help us often end up only adding more complexity to our workload. You're in the middle of writing an email, preparing for a meeting, or reviewing a document, and suddenly you're jumping across tabs, searching for information and trying to piece everything together while staying focused. Instead of pulling you into yet another app, Superhuman Go works where you already are inside your browser, your inbox, your docs. So help is there right when you need it without losing your place. As someone who has been a longtime user of both Grammarly and Superhuman Email, it's exciting to see these tools come together in a way that feels thoughtful. It handles more of the repetitive tasks in the background so I can spend more time actually teaching, communicating and connecting with people. If you're looking for a way to work more efficiently without adding more complexity, it's definitely worth exploring. Find out more@superhumanhumanhuman.com. Getting your voice heard is hard. My name is Matt Abrahams and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to this Quick Thinks Ask Matt Anything episode of Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. I recently held another AMA in our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning community. As usual, it was lively and fun. Listen in as I answer questions about wedging comments into conversations, giving feedback to a superior, and much more.
[02:04]
B
Well, hello everybody. Thank you for joining me for this month's Ask Matt Anything ama, and I love to see all the questions that are coming in, so let's jump right into it. I have a question here that's asking I have something to say in a meeting, but there's so much going on all at once. How do I get my point in? How do I insert my point of view? And this can be very challenging. I totally understand. I call this actually wedging. We want to make sure that we wedge our point of view into the conversation, but we want to do so in a timely manner. I know I've been there thinking about how do I say what I want to say? And then the conversation has moved beyond my contribution. So we do really need to get in and get in quick. But how do we do it so we don't look overly assertive or rude. To my mind, there are really three ways to do this, and I hope one of these three ways will help you. First, you can ask a question. So as the conversation is going along and you want to insert your point of view, lead with a question. I'm curious, how would we. Or I'm curious, what does this mean? So a question is a great way to initially wedge a second way to wedge. And any of you who've listened to me know I'm a big fan of paraphrasing. Take some key concept that somebody has mentioned, name it, and then give your contribution. So imagine you're in the midst of a meeting where people are talking about expenses and finances. You might say cost is really important. And in fact, one element is. So by labeling cost, you are summarizing what you have just heard and then you add your point to it. So in addition to leveraging questions, you can also use paraphrasing to get your point of view in. Finally, you can lead with an emotion. You can say something like, I'm concerned about, or that's very exciting. When people hear an emotion, they'll stop and they'll. They want to hear more. So you have questions paraphrasing an emotion as a way to lead. Now, you need to know what you want to say before you wedge your comment in. And a great way to do that, or at least the way I do it, is I'll say to myself, the bottom line of what I want to say is so before I wedge my content into the convers, I'm thinking about what is the specifics I want to say. So I am ready to go. If I jump in and I'm wandering and meandering, one, it'll be disappointing to everybody and perhaps confusing, and it might set me up for the next time I want to do that in a position or way I don't want it to be. So take the time to use one of these wedging techniques. I hope that helps. And thank you for the question. That was a very useful question. Another question that came in is actually about listening. And you know that listening is very important and very important to me and a skill that I am still actively working on. And the question is, what do you do when you get emotional about what's being said, either excited, concerned, upset, sad, and yet you need to listen well, first and foremost, acknowledge and allow those emotions to come. A lot of the times if this is a really important topic, we can be trying to quell those emotions or put them aside, and that's not good. The emotions are there and they're real and you need to acknowledge them, but they can interfere. So a couple things. One, if you find yourself getting very emotional, either positively or negatively, and you believe it's going to impact the interaction, the communication, the session, whatever you're doing, I believe what's really important to do is call it and just say, hey, you know, this is bringing up a lot for me. You don't need to name your emotion because that might trigger or upset somebody else. Just say, this is bringing up a lot for me. I want to take a moment or two of a break or let's reschedule the meeting or let me come back to you in a little bit. So give yourself a little bit of space by just calling it without naming it similarly, by the way. And I'm going to come back to more about handling emotion. If somebody else is displaying emotion, you don't want to label their emotion. You don't want to say, oh, you seem frustrated. And they might say, oh, no, I'm not frustrated, I'm angry. And now they're even more angry. So instead of labeling the emotion, you can say, I can see this is bringing up a lot for you, or I hear your passion, or this clearly is concerning to you. So I'm acknowledging that I'm seeing the emotion, feeling that emotion from them, but I am not labeling it. All right, so what do you do again when you get emotional? So one is give yourself a little bit of space, that is, call time out or take some distance. The other thing you can do is psychologically distance yourself. And this comes from the work in mindfulness. Many of you have heard of mindfulness. Several of you probably studied mindfulness. But this notion of acknowledging the emotion you're feeling. So you might say, this is me feeling frustrated, or this is me feeling excited. And in so doing, you give yourself a little bit of psychological distance where you can then act upon it. So rather than getting swept away with the emotion when you say, hey, this is me feeling this way, that can help as well. And then finally get into your body. So in that moment where you're starting to feel upset, excited, concerned, whatever it is, feel the ground with your feet, touch an object, I'm touching the desk in front of me, that can bring us back into our bodies and out of maybe that emotional spinning that's happening. So it brings us back into the present. And certainly deep breathing can help. So very common to have emotions play out in our communication. And when we're trying to listen and listen well, it can be an interference. It's a form of noise that can get in the way. That said, there are things we can do. We can acknowledge it, announce it, and give ourselves a little bit of a pause. We can give ourselves distance by recognizing to ourselves, this is how I'm feeling, and we can ground ourselves. So those are ways to do it now, after the fact, or even before the situation. I'm a big fan of journaling or speaking it out with a loved one or trusted other. So emotion does loom large. It's part of being human. It serves a purpose, but you don't want it to interfere with the communication you're having.
[08:05]
A
We'll be right back to finish our conversation, but first a quick word from one of our sponsors. Their support allows us to bring you this show free of charge. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. One lesson I've learned from years of teaching communication is that expertise alone isn't enough. People need a way to discover your ideas, understand your work, and engage with
[08:28]
B
what you have to offer.
[08:30]
A
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[09:54]
B
All right, I think this will be our last question. This question. I think we've all been in this situation. This person has a superior, a boss who is not taking the time to listen or to consider other people putting A lot of pressure on and really trying to drive initiative. How do you give feedback to a superior when they are your superior and they're really driving, driving, pushing, pushing their agenda, what can you do? Well, first and foremost, this is challenging. But unfortunately for many of us common and a few things I'd suggest one, when you are trying to give feedback to a superior, a great approach is to reward the positive. So if in fact at some point they demonstrate the behaviors that you are hoping for, or at least not demonstrating the behaviors that you would prefer they not do, you can reward it. So after the fact, after the meeting, go up to the person, call the person, send them an email, whatever, just say, I was really appreciative of how we heard from everybody in the meeting this time, or I really liked how we decided to act on whoever's idea that was really cool and I think really helpful. So you're not saying, hey, it was great that you shut up and let somebody else do the work, or gee, it was really fantastic that finally you didn't do this. No, you're just rewarding the positive. And many of us will hear that as leaders we want to be rewarded. It's nice to be rewarded. That kindergarten self of us likes the star for the day. So one way to deal with this situation is to look for the positive and reward it. Another way to do this is own it. Own it from your perspective. So instead of saying you are doing this wrong or when you do this, it really causes this for me. Say, I am somebody who needs this. You know, it's really important for me when I do the work I do, to consider as many options as possible. So I'm wondering if in our meetings we can hear other opinions or have lots of choices because that really helps me process and more deeply understand a manager's job. A boss's job is to be in service of you, to help you in some way help them achieve their goals, the group's goals, et cetera. So if you come to them with something that will help you help them or help the group, it should open up the door to at least them considering what you're saying. And finally, if those two ways don't work, I think you just have an honest conversation. But I would start from saying, hey, it's been really helpful when you've given me some feedback on these things. Be very, very specific. And I'm curious if you'd be open to me sharing something that I think could really help me and others. So it's an invitation for them to be open to your feedback. Don't just come in and say, gosh, it really frustrates me when you need to have these conversations. This kind of frustration can be really harmful for your own psyche. It can really ruin your motivation at work. Put a lot of stress and pressure. A great thing to do is practice this, find a trusted other, maybe even use an AI tool and just speak it out. You know the coach AI tool is great for this purpose. In fact, this is one of its major use cases is to talk to it, say this is the situation, here's what I'm thinking of saying and have it play back for you. Well, these have been really great questions in our Ask Matt Anything ama. Thank you to all of you who joined. There were many other questions. I certainly will be responding to them in some way, but thank you for taking the time. Thank you for being part of the learning community and I really look forward to hearing how you do in these very challenging communication situations. So with that, have a great day. I look forward to seeing you in our upcoming author talk as well as some of our upcoming quests. Thank you so much.
[13:30]
A
Thank you for joining us for another Quick Thinks AMA episode of Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. To learn more on a variety of communication topics, check out our extensive back catalog of episodes on your favorite player or at fastersmarter IO. This episode was produced by Kathryn Reed, Ryan Campos and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder with special thanks to the Podium podcast company. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also follow us on LinkedIn, Podium, TikTok and Instagram. To join us for our next AMA, please consider joining our learning community where you will also get video lessons, learning quests, book Talks, and my AI coach. Sign up at FasterSmarter IO Learning. Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe and explore past conversations. We're grateful for your support of Think Fast, Talk Smart.