Ask Matt Anything (AMA) 1: Trust, Paraphrasing, and Nonverbal Cues

Summary

Podcast Summary: Think Fast Talk Smart – Episode: Ask Matt Anything (AMA) 1: Trust, Paraphrasing, and Nonverbal Cues

In the inaugural episode of the "Ask Matt Anything" (AMA) series on the "Think Fast Talk Smart" podcast, host Matt Abrahams delves into critical communication strategies essential for fostering trust, enhancing engagement, and mastering nonverbal cues. This AMA session, moderated by Jenny Luna, the founding Executive Producer of Think Fast Talk Smart, features insightful questions from premium members, allowing listeners to gain practical advice directly from Matt. Below is a detailed exploration of the key discussions, insights, and conclusions drawn from this episode.

Introduction to AMA Session

Jenny Luna opens the session by explaining the format of the AMA series, highlighting that premium members can submit their communication-related questions to be addressed by Matt Abrahams. This interactive format aims to provide actionable insights tailored to real-world communication challenges.

Question 1: Constructive Discussions with Strong Opinions

Question by Sumiko ([01:56]):
“It is very difficult to listen to others' opinions when we have strong opinions ourselves, especially when it comes to senior leadership who may not have the technical background to truly grasp a situation. Could you share your thoughts on how I can have more constructive discussions, get alignment, and move forward on a project?”

Matt Abrahams’ Response ([02:19]):
Matt emphasizes the paramount importance of trust in communication. He introduces the concept of looping, also referred to as paraphrasing, which involves restating what the other person has said to demonstrate understanding without necessarily agreeing.

Notable Quote:
"What's really important in these circumstances is to demonstrate understanding rather than agreement." ([02:25])

He advises using paraphrasing to show comprehension and then leveraging questions to bridge differing viewpoints. For instance, instead of asserting one's own opinion outright, posing a question like, “I heard what you said about this. What are we thinking about this?” can foster a more collaborative dialogue, especially in scenarios with power dynamics.

Question 2: Engaging a Large, Diverse Virtual Audience

Question by Wendy ([04:17]):
“I recently changed careers from K-12 teaching to a high-impact nonprofit role. I find it easy to create presentations based on your frameworks and my 15+ years of experience teaching and have received positive feedback. But I want to get better at engaging a large, diverse audience on a webinar. Other than storytelling, what are some other communication techniques that I could use?”

Matt Abrahams’ Response ([04:57]):
Matt acknowledges Wendy's transition and the foundation her teaching experience provides. He breaks down engagement into three core components:

1. Physical Engagement:
   Encouraging actions such as writing, discussing, or using interactive tools (e.g., polls) to keep the audience's attention.

   Quote:
   “Where people's bodies go, their brains follow.” ([05:15])

2. Mental Engagement:
   Utilizing questions (even rhetorical ones) and storytelling to stimulate the audience's cognitive involvement.

   Quote:
   “Human beings are storytelling machines. When I tell you a story, our brainwaves actually sync up.” ([06:00])

3. Linguistic Engagement:
   Employing inclusive language (using names or "you") and time-traveling language (e.g., "imagine if...") to create a vivid mental experience.

   Quote:
   “Imagine what it would be like if, or what if we could... that takes you into the future and you begin to see it in your mind's eye.” ([07:00])

Matt suggests integrating these techniques, especially in virtual settings, to maintain sustained attention. Techniques like engaging participants through chat, virtual hand-raising, and interactive content can significantly enhance engagement.

Question 3: Controlling Body Movements During Conversations

Question by Naveen ([08:06]):
“How can I better control my body movements during conversations? I move my body, especially my head a lot, and I realized this after watching my recent office meeting recordings via Teams.”

Matt Abrahams’ Response ([08:28]):
Drawing from a previous discussion with Dana Carney on nonverbal communication, Matt underscores the significance of self-awareness in managing nonverbal cues. He recommends recording and reviewing one's interactions to identify and understand habitual movements.

Notable Quote:
"If you want to better understand your nonverbal presence, you need to record yourself and watch and listen." ([08:35])

Specifically addressing head movements, Matt advises:

• Shoulder Blade Positioning:
  Pulling shoulder blades down can create a slight tension in the neck, making excessive head movements less likely.

• Conscious Effort:
  By making head movements more deliberate, they become less distracting.

Quote:
"Pull your shoulder blades down and when you do that it holds your head straight and makes it less likely that you're going to move your head around." ([09:00])

He emphasizes that refining nonverbal presence enhances credibility and the effectiveness of the conveyed message.

Question 4: Balancing Emotional Expressions in Conversations

Question by Greg ([10:15]):
“When talking to people who are experiencing strong feelings, I tend to let that person dominate the conversation. Even if I have strong feelings myself, how can I respectfully acknowledge my conversation mate's feelings while ensuring that my voice is heard?”

Matt Abrahams’ Response ([10:34]):
Matt highlights the delicate balance required when emotions are intense in conversations. He advises acknowledging emotions without labeling them specifically to avoid misinterpretation.

Notable Quote:
"I hear you have great concern, or clearly there's big emotion here." ([10:50])

He suggests using paraphrasing as a bridge to express one's own perspective:

1. Acknowledge the Emotion:
   Recognize the presence of emotion without assigning a specific label.

2. Paraphrase:
   Restate what the other person has communicated to show understanding.

3. Connect and Share:
   Link their emotions to the conversation context and introduce your viewpoint.

Example:
"I hear you have a lot of passion towards this topic." ([11:00])

This approach ensures that both parties feel heard and respected, allowing for a more balanced and productive dialogue.

Question 5: Navigating Mixed Status Meetings

Question by Jenny Luna ([12:06]):
“I've recently started a new role and I think a lot about what we talk about on this podcast with status. I'm having a lot of one-on-ones as I'm meeting new people in this new role. I try to really lower my status when I'm in a meeting with someone of lower status and up my status when I'm in a meeting with more powerful leaders. But I'm getting stuck when I'm in a meeting with both of those people. What do you do in a meeting where there's lots of different statuses? How do you find the status to play to?”

Matt Abrahams’ Response ([12:46]):
Addressing the complexities of status dynamics in meetings, Matt references conversations with experts like Jeff Pfeffer and Deb Grunfeld on power. He offers strategies to navigate mixed-status environments effectively:

1. Gratitude and Listening:
   Demonstrating genuine appreciation and active listening can bridge status differences.

   Quote:
   “Listening is a gift that you're giving them and you're leveraging your power and status to listen.” ([13:10])

2. Structured Meetings:
   Setting clear agendas and inviting perspectives from all participants ensures balanced participation.

3. Paraphrasing:
   Using paraphrasing to validate each participant's input fosters an inclusive atmosphere.

4. Nonverbal Posturing:
   Adjusting body language to reflect the status of participants. For example:

   • With Subordinates:
     Use softer gestures, lower your voice slightly, and employ hedging language (e.g., "I think we should do this, what do you think?").

   • With Higher-Ups:
     Maintain a more upright posture, use direct language, and assert your points confidently.

   Quote:
   “Paraphrasing is a way to signal that I've really heard you." ([13:40])

By adapting both verbal and nonverbal communication to suit the status of each participant within a mixed-status meeting, one can effectively manage diverse dynamics and ensure that all voices are heard.

Conclusion

The first AMA session of "Think Fast Talk Smart" provided a treasure trove of strategies for enhancing communication across various scenarios. Matt Abrahams' insights on trust-building, engagement techniques, nonverbal communication, and navigating status dynamics offer practical tools for listeners aiming to elevate their communication skills in professional and personal settings.

Final Thoughts from Jenny Luna ([15:10]):
Jenny wraps up the AMA by thanking Matt and the premium members, emphasizing the value of the Think Fast Talk Smart community in fostering strong communication and career development.

Matt Abrahams’ Closing Remarks ([15:48]):
Matt invites listeners to join the Think Fast Talk Smart Premium community, highlighting the benefits of extended content, coaching, and a global network dedicated to communication excellence.

This episode underscores the podcast’s commitment to providing actionable communication techniques, empowering listeners to achieve clarity, confidence, and impact in their interactions.

Transcript

[A]

Hi Matt here. One of my biggest stresses used to be wading through my emails. My anxiety would spike every morning when I would log on to see my inbox full of messages and calendar invites. This all changed once I found Superhuman. Superhuman has made my email experience so much better. I'm now more productive and focused. My inbox is organized and categorized. I schedule meetings easily and Superhuman's AI helps me draft and respond much more efficiently. Superhum literally change the way I work for the better. The start of the new year is a great time to take back control of your inbox and increase your productivity. Superhuman is offering the Think Fast Talk Smart community access to one month free on the platform and if you add any teammates in January, they also get a free month. To join go to superhuman.comtfts that's superhuman.comtf ts.

[B]

Hi Jenny here. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Jenny Luna, the founding Executive producer of Think Fast, Talk Smart. Welcome to our first Premium AMA Ask Matt Anything. This is a preview and I'm excited to help you get some questions answered. Our Think fast talk smart AMAs allow you to directly get your communication questions answered by Matt and as a thinkfast Talk Smart Premium member, you can submit your questions on our premium portal. You'll not only hear your question answered, but you can hear all other premium members questions answered. For our general listeners, we will periodically run AMA previews like this one where you will hear a few of Matt's answers to the AMA questions. So without further ado, let's bring Matt on to answer some of your insightful questions.

[A]

Hey Jenny, great to be here with you. Thank you.

[B]

First up, we have a question from Sumiko and they write it is very difficult to listen to others opinions when we have strong opinions ourselves, especially when it comes to senior leadership who may not have the technical background to truly grasp a situation. Could you share your thoughts on how I can have more constructive discussions, get alignment and move forward on a project.

[A]

Before losing trust First Sumiko, thank you for the question and trust is absolutely critical in all of our communication, so you don't want to lose that. I'm reminded of a skill that Charles Duhigg mentioned in episode 133 and it was called looping, something I call paraphrasing. What's really important in these circumstances is to demonstrate understanding rather than agreement. So you want to show and share that you understand what the person is saying even though you might not agree. So this notion of looping or paraphrasing is to actually speak back what you've heard. So you're demonstrating that you're trying to understand and the person can confirm, yes, that's what I meant or that's not what I meant. So even though you might have some concern or you might have some challenges with the person or their position, demonstrating understanding is really important. If there's power differences and power dynamics, it's really critical to demonstrate that you've heard what they've said and then acknowledge that's one point of view and suggest, perhaps through questioning other points of view that might be more in line with what you're thinking. So instead of saying I've heard what you said about this, here's what I think you could say, I heard what you said about this. What are we thinking about this? Suppose it as a question that can be more appropriate, especially when they're power differences. So use this notion of looping or paraphrasing to acknowledge that you've understood what the person said and then leverage questions as a way of getting your point across. And I think that will help you maintain the trust that you're looking for.

[B]

So it sounds like instead of maybe offering opinion, we could even frame that as a question in order to move the conversation forward and still be building that trust.

[A]

Jenny, that was a fantastic job of looping and paraphrasing. Yes, that's exactly what needs to be done. What's the next question?

[B]

Thanks Matt. I think everybody can benefit from that advice. Our next question is from Wendy and Wendy writes, I recently changed careers From K through 12 teaching to A high impact nonprofit role. I've gone from teaching 20 people in a hands on classroom to leading virtual tech trainings for 220adults located all over the world. I find it easy to create the presentation based on your frameworks and my 15 plus years of experience teaching and I have received very positive feedback. But I want to get better at engaging a large diverse audience on a webinar. Other than storytelling, what are some other communication techniques that I could use?

[A]

Well, Wendy, I think there's a special place in heaven for anybody who has taught K through 12. So first and foremost, thank you for that work and congratulations on moving to a different career but still teaching. So what you're really asking about is engagement. And to me, engagement is what I call sustained attention. It's hard to get people's attention. It's really hard to keep it over time, especially when you're virtual. I've written an article for Harvard Business Review on three major ways to engage an audience. Let me share those three with you, and then I'll relate them to virtual communication. Specifically. The first is physical engagement. Get people doing something. I am sure you remember and learned as an elementary school or high school teacher that when you have your students do something, they're more focused on task and ultimately learn more. So where people's bodies go, their brains follow. So if you can have people writing things down, talking to each other, raising their hands, watching a video, all of those are physical engagement that help you keep your audience focused. Now you contrast it to mental engagement. And mental engagement is gained primarily in two ways. First, asking questions. When somebody asks us questions, our brains perform very differently than when they tell us something. We tend to get more engaged just when somebody asks a question, even if it's rhetorical, where we don't answer that question. So asking questions can be really useful. So too is storytelling. Storytelling is absolutely essential. Human beings are storytelling machines. When I tell you a story, our brainwaves actually sync up. Charles Duhigg and I talked about this in the episode we did. It's called cognitive entrainment, where our brain waves actually sync. So if you can tell a story, a brief, relevant story can be really helpful. And then finally, beyond mental and physical, physical engagement is linguistic engagement. And there are really two ways to do this. One is using people's names or the word you. Any inclusive language pulls people in. When we hear the word you are our names, we pay attention. And then we also have time traveling language that we can leverage. I can take everybody into the future simply by saying, imagine what it would be like if, or what if we could. Or picture this. That's language that takes you into the future and you begin to see it in your mind's eye. Similarly, I can take you into the past. I can say, remember when all of that gets you engaged in a way just talking normally doesn't. So when it comes to virtual communication, you can use physical, mental, and linguistic engagement in what you do. I can have people typing into the chat. I can have them raising their virtual hands using the reactions button. I can ask questions that they respond to through polls. I can show them something and ask them to think about what would that mean for you in the future. So you can combine these techniques, especially when virtual, to have some success. But engagement is hard. I think you can leverage a lot of your skills as a teacher in school to your new role.

[B]

Thank you, Matt. I think with everybody now on Zoom and in webinars, that advice will really help a lot of listeners. Our next question is from Naveen and they ask how can I better control my body movements during conversations? I move my body, especially my head a lot and I realized this after watching my recent office meeting recordings via teams.

[A]

Yes, I really enjoyed my episode with Dana Carney. It was episode 137 where we talked a lot about nonverbal communication and it's so powerful. What I am so impressed by is that you took time to watch a video of yourself. That's always the advice I give people that if you want to better understand your nonverbal presence, you need to record yourself and watch and listen. So take the time to record yourself and watch and I recommend that you actually watch in a couple different ways. One, watch with no sound, just watch, then play it again and this time listen without watching and then finally to watch and listen together. Each time you will notice different things. Now let's get specific about your particular issue. Head Movement A lot of people move their heads when they speak. They probably gesture a lot as well. A great way to slow down head movement or reduce head movement beyond just awareness, which is what the videos will help with, is to pull your shoulder blades down. If you pull your scapula down it actually tenses up your neck. But when you pull those shoulder blades down it tenses up your neck a little bit and in order to move your head side to side it's a more conscious effort and in fact it's almost like you're stretching so you feel that little stressor against your neck and you're likely not to move it as much. So I'm not saying be rigid, I'm just saying pull those shoulder blades down and when you do that it holds your head straight and makes it less likely that you're going to move your head around. So again I applaud you for watching the video. Working on nonverbal presence can make a huge difference in how people perceive you. You can have amazing things to say, but if you say it in a distracting way because of your non verbals, it actually degrades your credibility and your message.

[B]

Great. Our next question is from Greg and Greg asks when talking to people who are experiencing strong feelings, I tend to let that person dominate the conversation. Even if I have strong feelings myself, how can I respectfully acknowledge my conversation mates feelings while ensuring that my voice is heard?

[A]

Emotions are tough, especially when somebody has very strong emotions, positive or negative. What's important is to acknowledge the emotion. To have something very emotional happen and ignore it. I think shows you as tone deaf and can be very awkward, but at the same time, you don't want to name the emotion because you might get it wrong. I might say, oh, I'm sorry you're so frustrated. And the person says, I'm not frustrated, I'm angry. Well, now we're debating their emotional state, and that's pulling us away from whatever the communication issue challenge is. So I might say, I hear you're very passionate about this, or I hear you have great concern, or clearly there's big emotion here. So I acknowledge that the emotion exists without labeling it specifically. It is totally okay to acknowledge the emotion and then share your emotion and position as well. This is where paraphrasing can be really useful. I might say something like, I hear you have a lot of passion towards this topic. The paraphrase then becomes a bridge for you to add your piece to it. So I acknowledge the emotion. I paraphrase what I heard you say. I connect it to the environment, what else is going on in the room or the meeting, and then I connect my position to it. So your voice has equal weight in these conversations. And to allow somebody, because they are simply getting emotional, positive or negative, to dominate can be very restricting and not fair. So paraphrasing, I think, is the way that you move that forward once you've acknowledged the emotion.

[B]

We have one more question if you have time for it, and it's actually from me. I've recently started a new role and I think a lot about what we talk about on this podcast with status. So I'm having a lot of one on ones as I'm meeting new people in this new role. So I try to really lower my status when I'm in a meeting with someone of lower status. And I try to up my status and seem more powerful when I want to be in a meeting with more powerful leaders. But where I'm getting stuck is when I'm in a meeting with both of those people. So what do you do in a meeting where there's lots of different statuses? How do you find the status to play to?

[A]

That's a very challenging situation, Jenny. And first, congratulations on your new role. As you well know, we had a conversation with Jeff Pfeffer, who's an expert on power, Deb Grunfeld, who also studies power. And Deb studies it from exactly the way you worded it, which is, how do I act in that way? And power and status is something that we can play with, we can act with. I think for me, coming from a place of gratitude and listening is Important because when you are the person of higher status or power in speaking to a subordinate or somebody who's lower in the hierarchy, demonstrating listening is really a gift that you're giving them and you're leveraging your power and status to listen. When you are dealing with somebody who is higher up in the hierarchy, listening is demonstrating your deference to them, but also saying that, hey, I want to be of assistance and help. So putting yourself in a position where you can listen, I think is really important. And it could be just by starting the meeting, assuming you're running a meeting where you could say, I have an agenda that I'd like to cover. But first I'd love to listen to your perspectives on this topic to make sure that we address them as we go. And then start with the person perhaps who has the lower status or power or higher status listen. Paraphrase. Because again, paraphrasing is a way to signal that I've really heard you. And then you can begin the conversation after taking into accounts what they've said. Now, in terms of your body posturing, a lot of our status and power is signaled through what we do with our bodies. So it might be the case that with the person who is subordinate to you lower in hierarchy or status, you might tilt your head, you might lower your volume a little bit. Those are all signs of deference to lower your status so the other person feels more comfortable. You might actually even leverage hedging language. So instead of saying, we should do this, what do you think? You might say, I think we should do this, what do you think? You hear how that sounds a little lower? You might do exactly the opposite. In the same meeting with the person of higher status, where you sit more straight, with your head straight rather than tilted, you might use less hedging language and be more direct and say, I really believe we should do this. When you're talking to the person of higher status and power. So within the given interaction, you're changing some of your nonverbal presence to be appropriate and match the expectations of those in the room. I look forward to hearing the results of your experiment.

[B]

Thank you so much, Matt. A big thank you to Matt Abrahams and thanks to all of our premium members who submitted their AMA questions. I wanted to add my thanks to all of you for becoming premium members. ThinkFast Talk Smart is all about building community and helping you hone and develop your communication and your careers. All of us here at thinkfast Talk Smart believe that the global premium community we've created is a great way to achieve these goals, please check out all of our thinkfast Talk Smart Premium offerings at fastersmarter IO Sample Slash Premium.

[A]

Hi Matt here. I'd like you to consider becoming part of our Think Fast, Talk Smart Premium. Premium affords you lots of opportunities to get extended deep thinks episodes, coaching through Ask Matt Anythings and access to a global community of people looking to hone and develop their communication and careers. Many people around the globe have already joined Premium. Special thanks to our ambassadors who've donated extra money to the cause. Please check out Fastersmarter I.O. premium. We look forward to seeing you there.