339: Break-Up

Summary

This American Life: Episode 339 - "Break-Up"

Release Date: February 9, 2025

Overview

In episode 339 of This American Life, titled "Break-Up," host Ira Glass delves deep into the multifaceted experiences of breakups. Inspired by a listener's request for stories centered specifically around the act of breaking up, the episode is structured into four compelling acts. Each segment explores different dimensions of ending relationships, from personal introspection and creative expression to legal reforms and poignant narratives. Notable quotes from the episode's participants are included to highlight key emotions and insights.

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Act 1: Starlee Kine's Breakup Song Mission

Summary

Starlee Kine shares her unconventional approach to coping with a breakup by attempting to write her own breakup song. Despite feeling overwhelmed by the clichéd yet deeply personal emotions of heartbreak, Starlee seeks guidance from none other than Phil Collins, whose music had both comforted and exacerbated her pain.

Key Points:

• Emotional Turmoil: Starlee navigates the conflicting feelings post-breakup, oscillating between wanting closure and clinging to lingering emotions.
• Creative Expression: Determined to externalize her pain, she embarks on crafting a breakup song, aiming to channel her raw emotions into music.
• Mentorship from Phil Collins: Through a serendipitous connection, Starlee consults with Phil Collins, gaining valuable insights into songwriting that authenticates her feelings without becoming overly polished or detached.
• Collaborative Creation: With the help of musician Joe McGinty and songwriter Julia Greenberg, Starlee overcomes her initial struggles, culminating in a heartfelt song that encapsulates her journey through loss.

Notable Quotes:

• Lauren (Starlee Kine): "I needed to take charge of my pain. I needed to take wallowing to the next level." [02:31]
• Phil Collins: "If it's a good song, that's what makes it good. It's the fact that it's so many people try to fluff things up or disguise them..." [22:39]
• Julia Greenberg: "Sometimes it's the simplest thing that actually reaches people." [23:16]

Timestamps:

• 00:37 - 06:53: Introduction to Lauren's (Starlee's) breakup experience.
• 07:42 - 32:44: Starlee's journey to write a breakup song, including her interaction with Phil Collins.
• 32:09 - 33:30: Reflections on the impacts of creating the song and the lingering hope for her ex.

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Act 2: An Eight-Year-Old's Quest for Understanding

Summary

This act revisits a 1987 interview with Betsy Allison Walter, an eight-year-old grappling with her parents' impending divorce. Through archival recordings and a reflective interview with Betsy (now Betsy New Schneider), the episode examines how children process parental breakups and the enduring quest for answers.

Key Points:

• Childhood Confusion: Betsy struggles to comprehend why her parents are divorcing, feeling isolated despite reaching out to authoritative figures like Mayor Koch and psychologists.
• Seeking Answers: Her interactions reveal a child's deep need for understanding and stability amidst familial upheaval.
• Long-Term Impact: Twenty years later, Betsy's retrospective insights as an elementary school teacher highlight the lasting effects of unresolved childhood questions about her parents' separation.

Notable Quotes:

• Young Betsy [38:22]: "It's very hard because they won't tell me what happened to them and I really want them back together."
• Starlee Kine (Reflecting as Adult): "I don't believe that I wanted what the truth really was, but I wanted what I had created the truth to be in my head." [45:35]
• Starlee Kine: "Your parents made this choice for you. And now instead of questioning and wondering for so long why this choice was made, how are you going to live your life now, knowing this is your life?" [45:57]

Timestamps:

• 37:20 - 43:13: Original 1987 interview with eight-year-old Betsy on her parents' divorce.
• 43:23 - 53:14: Adult Betsy's reflections and how her perception of the advice has evolved over time.

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Act 3: Collaborative Divorce with Barry Berkman

Summary

Barry Berkman, a New York divorce lawyer, recounts his transition from traditional adversarial divorces to the collaborative divorce model. Dissatisfied with the emotional toll and inherent conflicts of standard divorce proceedings, Barry sought a more amicable approach that prioritizes understanding and minimizes resentment.

Key Points:

• Adversarial Nature of Traditional Divorce: Barry illustrates how contentious negotiations often escalate from financial disputes to custody battles, causing lasting emotional damage.
• Introduction to Collaborative Divorce: This model encourages open communication and mutual respect, with both parties and their lawyers working together to reach a consensus without court intervention.
• Challenges and Successes: While the process promotes empathy and reduces animosity, Barry highlights the difficulty couples face in truly listening and understanding each other's perspectives.
• Long-Term Benefits: Even when reconciliations are rare, collaborative divorce helps individuals leave the proceedings with a sense of closure and reduced bitterness.

Notable Quotes:

• Phil Collins (as Barry Berkman): "I think often what happens is couples in conflict lose the ability to listen to each other." [50:51]
• Phil Collins (as Barry Berkman): "You don't have to demonize this person anymore. And when they have those moments of understanding, it goes a long way toward helping them get on with the rest of their lives." [53:16]

Timestamps:

• 46:48 - 54:11: Barry's experiences and insights into traditional versus collaborative divorce methods.
• 54:11 - 53:14: Detailed explanation of the collaborative divorce process and its emotional impacts.

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Act 4: Meryl Marco's "Divorce is Rough"

Summary

Meryl Marco presents a poignant and humorous depiction of a man named Paul dealing with the sudden dissolution of his marriage. Through her performance at UN Cabaret in Los Angeles, Meryl illustrates the profound sense of loss and confusion that accompanies a breakup, juxtaposed with the unwavering companionship of a dog attempting to offer comfort.

Key Points:

• Emotional Breakdown: Paul is portrayed in a vulnerable state, grappling with the unexpected end of his marriage and the uncertainties it brings.
• Symbolic Comfort: The dog, Puppy Boy, serves as a metaphor for unconditional support, providing an almost comical yet touching attempt to help Paul navigate his grief.
• Inner Conflict: Paul's struggle between wanting to move on and being unable to let go underscores the complex emotions inherent in breakups.
• Humorous Intervention: Meryl's narrative brings levity to the heavy subject, highlighting how sometimes support comes from the most unexpected sources.

Notable Quotes:

• Paul (Meryl Marco): "I have placed a thing on you that you must throw. If you look down now, you will..." [57:40]
• Meryl Marco: "Pick up the big, flat, wet thing." [59:05]
• Starlee Kine (As Paul): "I love you and you love him and I sort of love him." [59:46]

Timestamps:

• 54:47 - 60:00: Meryl Marco's live performance detailing Paul's emotional journey and Puppy Boy's antics.
• 60:00 - 62:01: Conclusion of the performance with reflections on the intertwined emotions of love and loss.

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Conclusion

Episode 339 of This American Life masterfully encapsulates the varied dimensions of breakups, presenting personal narratives, legal perspectives, and creative expressions that resonate with anyone who has experienced the end of a relationship. Through heartfelt storytelling and insightful discussions, the episode underscores the universal yet intensely personal nature of breakups, offering listeners both empathy and understanding.

Additional Highlights:

• Listener Engagement: The episode featured a breakup song contest, inviting listeners to remix Starlee's song, which garnered 129 creative entries.
• Production Credits: The show was produced by Robin Semion and others, with special mentions to contributors and musicians who brought Starlee's song to life.

Notable Outro:

• Ira Glass: "I love you and you love him and I sort of love him. Cause I love everything you love." [59:46]

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This American Life continues to deliver thought-provoking and emotionally charged stories, making it a cornerstone for listeners seeking to understand the complexities of human relationships. Episode 339 stands as a testament to the show's ability to blend humor, sadness, and insight into a cohesive narrative that mirrors the unpredictable nature of life itself.

Transcript

[Ira Glass]

This message comes from Attentive. Imagine getting a message from your favorite brand tailored just for you.

[Phil Collins]

Attentive.

[Ira Glass]

The SMS and email platform helps marketers transform interactions into personalized experiences. [e-mail] NPR this message comes from Capital One. Banking with Capital One helps you keep.

[Phil Collins]

More money in your wallet with no.

[Ira Glass]

Fees or minimums on checking accounts. What's in your wallet terms apply.

[Starlee Kine]

See capitalone.combank for details.

[Ira Glass]

Capital One NA Member FDIC from WBEZ Chicago. Is this American Life?

[Lauren]

It's so embarrassing. I don't want to get upset, but, like, he has a car. So the last time I saw him on purpose was just in the car in front of my house. And I don't know, it's just bad, bad.

[Ira Glass]

Like when you walk out of your house, you think like, there his car was.

[Lauren]

Yeah, I still look for it. It's crazy.

[Ira Glass]

Okay, now we're about a block from your house.

[Lauren]

Like on that. In front of that building right there. This, like, churchy looking building was where we were parked when we first had the conversation where we decided we were gonna be exclusive, which was a joke. Like, I don't really date around and I don't think he does either. But, you know, it's like kind conversation. But yeah, we were parked in the middle of that block right where that white car is.

[Ira Glass]

And so every time you walk down this street, you'll think like, oh, yeah, there's the spot.

[Lauren]

I don't walk down this street. I just don't. Like, I haven't even seen him for a month. You know what I mean?

[Ira Glass]

When I walked around Lauren's neighborhood with her, it had been two months since her boyfriend broke up with her. They'd gone up for about 10 months before that. She was incredibly nice to let herself be taped in spite. A pretty raw state. But even in the middle of that raw state, she was acutely aware and said herself that everything she was going through was a cliche. A cliche that she was forced to live through.

[Lauren]

That's the crazy thing about it is breaking up with someone is literally the most common thing. Like everyone you know broke up with everyone they ever dated until maybe the person they're with right now, if they're with someone right now. But when it happens to you, it feels so specific. Like, I don't want to say I can't get over it. But in a flippant way, you kind of can't get over it. You're like, what? This is what's happening. It's so shocking.

[Ira Glass]

If I had to say one thing about Lauren. It's that she was full of feelings that completely contradicted each other, which I guess just comes with this territory. Like she emphatically did not want him to call, but also maybe a little bit wanted him to call. She missed him and she didn't want to stop thinking about him. But she also did all this elaborate math to calculate the day that she would finally be over him and not thinking about him and with somebody else. We get to an area where she had been on walks with the ex boyfriend. There were benches and a sidewalk promenade.

[Lauren]

I don't know, we used to just. It's not that we took a ton of walks, but we took some walks.

[Ira Glass]

And what happened down here.

[Lauren]

You know, I can't, I can't say that anything of substance happened. It's not like any one specific thing. It's just.

[Ira Glass]

I don't know, it's just that there was an us.

[Lauren]

I know there really was. That's the thing that's so weird. It's like, you know, you just.

[Meryl Marco]

You.

[Lauren]

Put so much energy into something and then one day it's time to stop. I don't know.

[Ira Glass]

During a breakup you just stare at what happened. There's a before and there's an after and you just can't believe it. Lauren says she still doesn't even understand what went wrong between her and him. And that's part of it too. So much of the time. Well, we got the idea for today's radio show from an email that a listener sent. It says here, dear this American Life, I'm suffering from a gut wrenching breakup with my former boyfriend. And I searched your site for shows about breakups and general heartbreak to commiserate. But to my surprise, I didn't find many stories specifically regarding the act of breaking up. Hope you consider it. A show like that would really cheer me up. And so with that in mind, we devote our show today to breakups. Partly today we have an anatomy of the completely contradictory feelings that are part of a breakup. I think that's what makes it such a special and particularly cursed state. And we have stories today about people trying in some very unusual, very resourceful ways to. To make themselves feel better during a breakup. Key word there would be trying our show today. In four acts, in act one, starlykind heads out on a breakup mission unlike any we have ever heard of. In Act 2, an eight year old heads out into the world to get some answers. I bet her parents break up. In Act 3, a man who has turned his back on the ways of his people. His people in this case being divorced lawyers. Act 4 Meryl Marco notes one possibly overlooked way to mend a broken heart and it involves a soggy plastic disky thing. You'll just have to trust me on that one. Stay with Support for this American Life comes from Squarespace, the all in one website platform with features to help you start a fully custom on brand website. Use Squarespace's latest AI enhanced website builder, Blueprint AI. It can transform basic information about your brand or business into an elevated online presence with curated premium quality content automatically added and matched to your profile and aesthetic. Head to squarespace.comamerican for 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Support for this American Life comes from the Financial Times why are some people more confident than others in expressing their opinions at the Financial Times? Their goal is for you to form your own opinions with conviction based on unbiased and trusted reporting. Whether you're exploring unique data journalism that asks what makes the US truly exceptional or an explainer on the first 100 days of the Trump administration, visit FT.com ThisAmericanLife to read free articles and save 40% on an annual subscription.

[Meryl Marco]

At Code Switch, we're interested in how.

[Lauren]

Race and identity shape your world in real and confusing and sometimes funny ways. From riots to race science to the rise of the bbl, and Code Switch.

[Ira Glass]

Is a place where we think out.

[Starlee Kine]

Loud about how race and identity are.

[Lauren]

Connected and how our lives are made.

[Starlee Kine]

Richer by it all the time.

[Meryl Marco]

Come work it out with us together.

[Lauren]

On the Code Switch podcast from NPR.

[Ira Glass]

CIS American Life Today's show is a rerun. Act 1 Dr. Phil when one of our regular contributors, Starley Kine, was in the middle of getting over a breakup, she tried to feel better in a way that few people ever try, and that maybe even she shouldn't have.

[Lauren]

Here's Starlee Before I explain why I decided to write and record a breakup song even though I have no musical ability and can't play an instrument of any kind, I should probably explain a bit about the breakup itself. It was only after Anthony broke up with me that all the warning signs I had missed came sharply into focus. Like the time he told me he didn't like taking pictures of girlfriends because it was a downer to have those photos around once the relationship was over. I'd had a crush on him since the day we met, but he always had a girlfriend in Canada. Then she broke up with him and we got together a week after that. He told Me, I was the one. Which, in retrospect, was probably the biggest warning sign of all. It was, hands down, the corniest relationship I've ever been in. And by corniest, I mean greatest. We'd pass entire evenings just complimenting each other. We took hand holding to new heights. And we listened to hours and hours of music, teenager style, playing one song after another while smiling a lot. I don't quite remember how our Phil Collins phase began. I think it was one of those things that started off ironically with Anthony lip syncing adorably to Against All Odds one night. But over time, it became less and less ironic. Until one day, we were actual fans. How can I just let you walk away?

[Ira Glass]

Just let you leave without a trace?

[Lauren]

When I stand here taking every breath with you Ooh, you're the only one who really knew me at all. We liked how honest and sad it was. How can I just let you walk away? To let you leave without a trace? You're the only one who really knew me at all. We pictured Phil Collins at the piano writing it, the tears running down his face. I wish I could just make you turn around Turn around and see me cry. There's so much I need to say to you. So many reasons why Anthony broke up with me on New Year's Eve. I told you, Corny, I didn't really see it coming, and I definitely didn't want it to happen. He said, you're going to be okay. I just cried and cried. I wanted to stop it, to fix it. I searched deep inside myself for the right words to say. And out of my mouth popped this. How can you just let me walk away? I'm the only one who really knew you at all. And I meant it. In fact, I go so far as to say that in that moment, no one could have conveyed how I was feeling better than Phil Collins. Take a good look at me now. Cause I still be standing here and you coming back to me is against all odds. It's the chance I've got a chance. If I thought I'd been in the Phil Collins phase before, it was nothing compared to what came next. I was no longer listening to his songs for pleasure, but for pain. They were breakup songs, and hearing them was the only thing that made me feel better. And by better, I mean worse. There's something so satisfying about listening to sad songs. They're like how you would actually be spending your day if you were allowed to just break down and sob and grab hold of everyone you met. They make you feel less alone with Your crazy thoughts. They don't judge you. In fact, they understand you. A breakup song won't ever suggest you start online dating or that you're better off without him. They tell you that you're worse without him, which is exactly what you want to hear, because it's how you feel. I didn't want to be cheered up. I didn't want to bounce back. I didn't want to meet someone new. I wanted to wallow, big time, deeply, and with the least amount of perspective possible. And the only way to do that was by turning off my phone and turning up the sad, sad music. Like this song that I love by the band, the Magnetic Fields. Act right and just smile all night it's somebody new, somebody not too bright but sweet and kind who would try to get you off my mind I could leave this agony behind which is.

[Joe McGinty]

Just what I'd do if I wanted.

[Ira Glass]

To But I don't want to get.

[Lauren]

Over you it's great because the lyrics perfectly articulate this feeling you didn't even know you had. Then there's the Bonnie Raitt song, I can't make you love me, I close my eyes then I won't see the love you don't feel when you're holding me. The song was written by Mike Reed and Alan Shamblin after they read this little article in the newspaper about a guy who'd gotten drunk and shot up his girlfriend's car. At his sentencing, he was asked if he learned any lessons from what he'd done. And he said, yes. You can't make a woman love you if she don't. I can't make you love me if you don't. You can make your heart feel something it wants. Before the breakup, I had no idea how much breakup music was out there. For example, every song ever written, or at least every third. But once you're heartbroken, you notice it everywhere. You find yourself in the supermarket, listening to a song you've heard before but never really heard, thinking to yourself, it's just so true.

[Phil Collins]

I know if I.

[Lauren]

Can face it again can't stop now I've traveled so far to change this lonely life I wanna know what love is. It's not just that you overlook the cheesiness. You embrace it. You do wanna know what love is? There's nothing restrained or subtle about being crushed by the person you care most about in the world. It's big and gaudy, and so it only makes sense that songs about it are too. It was after listening to all these songs for months That I knew what I had to do. I had to write one myself. I needed to take charge of my pain. I needed to take wallowing to the next level. It wasn't enough just to be lying on the floor in my pajamas listening to these songs at three in the afternoon. I wanted to be the songs. I wanted to be the pain. I wanted to be inside the stereo speakers, to be the sound waves coming into my own head. I wanted to be the thing creating the feeling I was feeling. And I knew just what kind of breakup song I would write. A torch song. Torch songs are about the most pathetic, desperate and lonely part of yourself. The part you'd never admit to your friends. The part of you that knows, without a shadow of a doubt that you would take him back. Not only that, he wouldn't have to beg or even apologize. Dusty Springfield made a whole career out of these songs. I just can't make it alone. I only want to be with you. All I see is you Losing you or this one. Which might be the most pitiful sentiment ever uttered out loud. You don't have to say you love me just be close at hand. You don't have to stay forever I will understand, believe me. Believe me I can't help but love you. But believe me, I'll never tell. It's just so pathetic. And deep down, it's how I felt too. And it felt good to have someone just come out and say it. There are some words you can never speak, but somehow you can sing. So I knew what kind of song I was gonna write, but I had no idea how to go about writing it. I needed some advice. And out of thousands of musicians who write about heartbreak, there was only one I cared to talk to.

[Julia Greenberg]

Hi.

[Lauren]

Hi.

[Julia Greenberg]

Hi, Stellari. Can you hear me okay?

[Lauren]

Yeah, I can hear you. Great. Phil Collins, of course. What is that? Weird. I got it into my head that it'd be great to ask Phil Collins how to write a breakup song. The same way you might think to yourself, I'd really love to talk to Michael Jordan about free throws. I never thought it would actually happen. Then, against all odds, it turned out I had a friend who was on the road with Phil Collins on his Genesis reunion tour, shooting footage for the DVD extras. He gave me his contact info and I sent him an email. Dear Mr. Collins, I have a rather unusual request. Then I waited, refreshing my inbox every three seconds. When his email finally appeared, he was friendly and casual. We set up a time to talk. In my mind, he was already so intimately involved in my Breakup that it seemed crazy that he didn't actually know about it. So I told him, well, I'm tell you the whole story of my breakup and stuff. Okay. Is that okay?

[Julia Greenberg]

Yeah, yeah. It's your 45 minutes.

[Lauren]

Okay. Well, it also involves you. So I was dating my boyfriend, Anthony, and he kind of broke up with me on New Year's Eve.

[Julia Greenberg]

Oh, nice.

[Lauren]

Whereas before it was Anthony and I talking about Phil, now it was Phil and I talking about Anthony. Actually pretty tidy when you think about it. And at one point, I turned to him and I just. It just flew out of my mouth. Just. I just looked at him and I was like, I can't believe you're just gonna let me walk away. Yeah. And before long, Bill Collins and I were commiserating about heartbreak, which he also went through recently.

[Julia Greenberg]

I mean, I've just been through a marriage breakup, and you talk about New Year's Eve. Well, I mean, my divorce was final on my birthday.

[Lauren]

Oh, really?

[Julia Greenberg]

And I didn't want it at all. So that's something that you always remember these things, like, you'll always remember New Year's Eve, and I'll always remember my birthday.

[Lauren]

I know. It makes you want to skip those days, doesn't it?

[Julia Greenberg]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lauren]

Up until this conversation, I never thought I had much in common with Phil Collins. He started playing in Genesis at the age of 19. I didn't. He performed in Live Aid while I only watched it on tv. He was in the movie Buster, which I never actually saw, but talking to him was easy. He told me that when he was in Genesis, he just played drums and sang. He didn't write. Against All Odds is one of the first songs he wrote himself when he was working on his first solo album.

[Julia Greenberg]

That song, particularly was written during my first divorce. My first wife and the kids had gone, and I was just left there. So it was written totally out of experience, as opposed to. This is a what if song. You know what I mean?

[Lauren]

Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you could have written that song if you hadn't gone through, if your wife hadn't left?

[Julia Greenberg]

Probably not. I mean, frankly, if that personal stuff had not happened to me at that time, I probably would never have made an album. And if I was to have made an album, eventually, it would have been more of a jazz rock thing, because that was what I was actually. That was my output apart from Genesis. I was in a band called Brand X, and that's, you know, I was a player. So, you know. No, without that stuff, I wouldn't have felt the Things I felt that made me sit at a piano night after night, day after day, writing stuff. Yeah.

[Lauren]

Did it help?

[Julia Greenberg]

Well, it helped in as much as I. You know, it was kind of. Well, when she hears this, it's all going to be okay, you know?

[Lauren]

Really? Is that what you thought I did?

[Julia Greenberg]

Yeah. Foolish, huh? But, I mean, I did.

[Lauren]

Did you get over it?

[Julia Greenberg]

Um. There's various people in your life that you never quite get over. I mean, that's. That's kind of the cliche. And then, you know, sometimes, I mean, with me, for example, because of children, you are. You are morally obligated. And you need. Because if you want to be with the kids as much as possible, you have to be in touch with this person that's really hurt you. So it's not like, you know, you can just walk away and leave without a trace. Because, you know, in this instance, there's a couple of little guys that are looking up to you, saying, what am I going to do, dad?

[Lauren]

Okay. There are so many crazy things about this. First of all, even Phil Collins can't help but quote Phil Collins. Second, if it hadn't been for his wife leaving him in 1979, Phil Collins would never have become Phil Collins. Heartbreak turned a jazz rock fusion drummer into an international pop icon. But the other crazy thing was how honest and normal he was about it. Once again, Phil Collins put into words what I was feeling. There's a part of me, and it is not a small part, that wants my ex, Anthony, to hear the song I write and ask to come back. I told Phil that I'd been trying to write my songs, but they just didn't feel right. They were too wordy or something. But when I tried to consult songs that I loved to see how it was done, even the lyrics to the best songs looked flat on the page. I wanted to know how to transform cliched sentiment into a song that captured the entire range of human emotions. I wanted to know how simple sentences like Love hurts, love scars became Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and marks.

[Julia Greenberg]

Most of the time, it's the direct. I mean, if it's a good song, that's what makes it good. It's the fact that it's. You know, so many people try to fluff things up or disguise them or, you know, make them a little bit too clever. But sometimes it's the simplest thing that actually reaches people.

[Lauren]

It actually looks corny when you look at it on the page.

[Julia Greenberg]

But then, you see, that's what becomes important then, is the way that it's sung because you get. But you know, otherwise you get. And I don't mean any disrespect, but you get into sort of Michael Bolton territory and I don't have to know, I don't. Nothing against Michael, I'm just using him as an example. I'm sure people would use me as an example of something that, you know, like gets overblown and polished as opposed to a simple idea simply sung and obviously sounds like it's sung with conviction.

[Lauren]

So now I had the advice, I had the pain. It was time to start writing. It was pretty terrifying at first. Every single word I put down seemed wrong. Even the ones that seemed like they had to go in the no brainers. I'd type the word love, then erase it and then type it again. Then one day I was waiting for the train and I started thinking about how that train reminded me of Anthony. And then how our love was sort of like a runaway train. Oh, that's good, I thought and scribbled a line down the back of my gas bill. Suddenly heartbreak was flowing out of the cracks in the sidewalk and it was up to me to transform it into a song. The next problem was, and it felt like a small problem really was my complete lack of musical ability. So I asked a guy named Joe McGinty for some help. He's a New York musician who has played with everyone from the Ramones to Ryan Adams to Ronnie Spector. He was into psychedelic furs. He has a million songs. More importantly for my purposes at least, Joe is a man who understands heartbreak. Here's one of his songs I really like.

[Phil Collins]

This song is three weeks old. Guess I should sing it. Happy birthday and your image it still holds. A happy accident I can't seem to.

[Lauren]

Shake you from my mind. Hi.

[Ira Glass]

Anybody else?

[Phil Collins]

Glad I got that.

[Lauren]

So I met up with Joe and also Julia Greenberg, a musician and songwriter who plays with Joe a lot. I'd written about a dozen songs, some of them more finished than others. When I printed them out, I had six freshly typed pages of lyrics and then about 15 crazy looking pages with a few lines here and there separated by random spaces. I had sent these all off to Joe and Julia before our meeting. Here's Joe reading the one I thought was farther. So long.

[Ira Glass]

Okay, Imaginary boyfriend.

[Phil Collins]

I can't help but think this all.

[Lauren]

Could have been prevented if I'd just.

[Ira Glass]

Gone to a small liberal arts school.

[Phil Collins]

Because then I would have met my imaginary boyfriend at a stand up comedy open mic.

[Lauren]

It was love at first.

[Ira Glass]

Eye roll, he said. He drew comic books like David on Roseanne.

[Meryl Marco]

Wow.

[Lauren]

I thought I'd been working on a song, but I don't even know how to describe what that was. A creative writing class essay, maybe. It was clear that I'd ignored Phil Collins advice. Keep it simple, not clever. Joe and Julia agreed. I think the dit. Like David on Roseanne, I can't turn into a song. Then Julia pulled out her favorite of my songs from the very bottom of the. I'd been so sure it wasn't a contender that I'd almost not included it at all. You had the lyric, doesn't do. It doesn't do me any good. In fact, it does me bad. Then it kind of seems impossible to me that that hasn't been in a pop song before. But, like, that's a classic kind of pop song, you know?

[Phil Collins]

That's what you look like.

[Lauren]

Yeah, that's a classic pop song line. I have to admit, I was skeptical. That lyric was from the crazy pile. Just note for an idea I had for a torch song. I tried to think of the most pathetic scenario I could. What I came up with was, Anthony goes back to his ex girlfriend. But rather than letting him go, I agree to be this awkward third wheel as long as it means still getting to see him occasionally. The lines were literally, I liked you and you liked her. And I sort of liked her because you liked her. Julia had run with the idea with one minor change.

[Starlee Kine]

Do you know that you had it all like. And I changed it to love. That was the biggest God that makes.

[Lauren]

I feel like there's something really deeply. There's, like, even more issues that I have to work with out with myself that I put like and not love. It didn't even occur to me. Julia had been so sure it was an actual song that she'd gotten to work before our meeting. She'd sketched out a melody and sung it to Joe on his answering machine. He played it for me.

[Starlee Kine]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

All right. This is gonna be a rough rendering of the opus. Yeah. I loved you and you loved her.

[Starlee Kine]

And I sort of loved her.

[Lauren]

Cause I love everything. Then she stops, Stops loving you. And glory hallelujah. Somehow you start loving me. And I don't know why I love you. I just do. I really do. And it doesn't do me any good in Florida. It does me bad. And you're oh, so gone.

[Starlee Kine]

And I'm oh, so sad.

[Lauren]

So yes, in theory, I knew all this. That music was important. It transforms words, unites the universe together. But I'd never Actually seen it happen in front of me.

[Phil Collins]

Come up with some more interest today.

[Lauren]

I cannot believe that's one that you choose. But then when you were singing it, it was like the words were, like, falling, flying off the page, and there was, like, pixie dust on them or something like a magic spell had actually trapped it with a wand. And it makes total sense now after hearing it, that that should be the one. So now the three of us had written a song about the other three of us. Over the next week, we finessed the lyrics, tweaked the melody, and recorded the song. It seemed obvious who should get the first listen. And no, I don't mean Anthony. That'd be crazy. I mean Phil Collins. Can I play my song for you? Is that okay? I don't want to put you on the spot and make you feel.

[Julia Greenberg]

No, no, no. I would like to hear it. We've been talking about it.

[Lauren]

Okay, cool. And you just be honest.

[Julia Greenberg]

Okay.

[Lauren]

Oh, okay. Here it goes. So I played in the song, I'll skip the part you've already heard and the bridge and jump right to the end. Now it's just the three of us. The names may have changed but the sorry facts remain the same. That I love you and she loves you. I'm okay with second best. Just love her more and love me less. I don't know why I love you. I just do.

[Phil Collins]

I really do.

[Starlee Kine]

It doesn't do me any good. In fact, it does me bad.

[Lauren]

Cause you're oh, so gone and I'm oh so sad. You're oh so gone and I'm oh, so sad.

[Julia Greenberg]

Well. Well, there's some great stuff in there, you know, I really like. What's the. What's the line again? About doing me no good? In fact, it's doing me bad.

[Lauren]

It doesn't do me any good. In fact, it does me bad.

[Julia Greenberg]

Yeah. That's fantastic.

[Lauren]

Really.

[Julia Greenberg]

And afterwards, the line that says, and you're oh, so gone. I laughed when I heard that. You're oh, so gone and I'm oh, so sad. I mean, it's just really smart.

[Lauren]

I can't believe it. That's so nice of you. I can't. This is like.

[Julia Greenberg]

It's not being nice. I just like it. I mean, I know I would easily have said, hey, it's not for me, you know, but I could just. I heard it and I thought there was some very. It's very funny.

[Lauren]

Thank you. Well, this is. That's what I mean, though, about how, like, I told you, I was trying to write all these, like, crazy concepts and conceptual ideas. And then the one that seemed to work was just the one. That's how I feel.

[Julia Greenberg]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Do you think. Do you think he'll come back?

[Julia Greenberg]

I hope so, because you obviously do feel a lot for him, so.

[Lauren]

Do you think I'll ever stop feeling the way bad like I am now?

[Julia Greenberg]

Well, but you kind of. You know, you kind of like feeling bad, don't you?

[Lauren]

Oh, yeah. Well, it's something.

[Julia Greenberg]

I don't think you really want to get over it. I think you're kind of enjoying it. So that's kind of a dilemma. You have to.

[Lauren]

You really have me pegged. It feels, like, important or big or something. Like, it feels like I felt really like. I felt so much for him when I was with him. And the only way to still feel like that strongly about something is to not. It's not. Let it go. I would love to be the person who just, like, he meant nothing to me, but instead, I'm the person who's like, okay, I'm gonna write a breakup song and play it over the airwaves. And, you know, like, it's so. I've, like, lost all my cool.

[Julia Greenberg]

Well, I don't see it like that. You're just addressing something you need to address. And this is getting, amongst other things, getting it out of your system. You've had the satisfaction of actually getting something tangible that you can play.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Julia Greenberg]

Out of this relationship.

[Lauren]

That's true. But don't you sometimes wonder, like, is it better to have the song in the end or the relationship?

[Julia Greenberg]

Oh, no, it's probably better to have the relationship.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Julia Greenberg]

Yeah. That's the problem, that you don't have the choice.

[Lauren]

Now that the song is done, it's really hard not to wonder if Anthony is going to hear it. I'd like to say I've gone back and forth on whether I even want him to, but the truth is, of course I do. Everyone I talk to, from my best friend all the way to Phil Collins, says he'll listen. And yes, if the roles were reversed and it were me, I definitely would. But I know Anthony. If anyone could resist listening, it would be him. You're just gonna have to trust me on this one. Which doesn't mean I think he'll never hear this song. But I can see him keeping a copy of it in some box stuffed with mixed tapes and copies of SAT scores so that he can listen to it one day when he's ready. I picture him 40 years from now, an old man living in some house that I'll never see, which breaks my heart. In my head he doesn't look like a real old man, but like a young one wearing stage makeup. I imagine him sitting down to finally listen on the CD player that people make fun of him for still having. He loads it in and hits play. He listens to the entire song from start to finish and when it's over, he plays it again and again until the tears are running down his face.

[Ira Glass]

Starlie Kind. You can hear more stories from starleak on her podcast Mystery Show. Coming up, a big city mayor, an eight year old girl and a dog weigh in with their solutions to getting over your next breakup. That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues. Support for this American Life comes from your part time controller, the nonprofit accounting specialists. For over three decades, YPTC has provided customized financial management to non profit organizations with their US based staff. From bookkeeping to financial reporting, budgeting, cash flow management and dashboards to CFO level strategy, YPTC takes care of the numbers so nonprofit leaders can focus on what matters most. Your mission. YPTC will help maximize your impact. Learn [e-mail] Support for this American Life comes from BetterHelp. Relationships of all kinds are complicated and they tend to come with a lot of tough questions. From questions about coworkers to family to romantic partners, therapy can be your safe space to talk about challenges you face in any of life's relationships. BetterHelp offers therapy 100% online and sign up takes only a few minutes. Visit betterhelp.comtal to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.comtal support for this American Life comes from Capella University. Learning doesn't have to get in the way of life. With Capella's game changing flexpath learning format, you can set your own deadlines and learn on your own schedule. That means you don't have to put your life on hold to earn your degree. Instead, enjoy learning your way and pursue your educational and career goals without missing a beat. A different future is closer than you think with Capella University. Learn [e-mail]. this is American Life. I'm Eric Glass. Each week on our show, of course, we choose a theme bring you a variety of different kinds of stories on that theme. Today's show Breakup Stories from inside the vortex of shockingly contradictory feelings that happen after a breakup. We've arrived at Act 2 of our show. Act 2. But why? After a relationship ends, you can puzzle for years over why Things went wrong and did they have to? And you yearn for a simple story that explains it. And that's not just true for the people in the relationship, it's true for the kids. And now with that thought, let's flip on the radio time machine.

[Joe McGinty]

Reforming welfare in this half hour.

[Meryl Marco]

This is no Adams, and I'm Renee.

[Ira Glass]

Montagne with All Things Considered. The welfare reform that they're talking about here is that of President George Herbert Walker Bush. The day that this aired, February 11, 1987, I was one of the lower level producers at All Things Considered. But that day I got to work on this story about breakups that I still think about. A story about somebody who is wanting to understand a breakup and reaching out to various people out in the world to do that in a way like Starlee did. So, okay, all you need to know is it's 1987. Edward Koch is the mayor of New York City. Noah Adams is one of the hosts of All Things Considered at the time, and he does the interview.

[Joe McGinty]

Betsy. Tell me your full name, please.

[H]

Betsy Allison Walter.

[Joe McGinty]

Betsy Allison WALTER. And you're 8 years old, almost 9, and you live in Manhattan.

[H]

Mm.

[Joe McGinty]

And you're in our studio in New York. I appreciate you taking some time to come in and telling us this story. You wrote a letter to the mayor of New York, Mayor Koch.

[H]

Right.

[Joe McGinty]

Tell me about that, please.

[H]

Well, I wrote to him because my parents are getting divorced and I really don't know who to turn to. I just told him that my parents are getting divorced and my dad is with somebody else, and I was just getting used to something and now this, and it's really kind of hard on me, and I like an opinion.

[Joe McGinty]

Why did you write to Tamir Koch?

[H]

Because he's somebody who I thought he's very good to us, I guess because he's the mayor and he knows a lot of things, and I thought he would know about this, too.

[Joe McGinty]

Yeah. Did you get an answer back?

[H]

Yes.

[Joe McGinty]

What'd he say?

[H]

He. It's very short. Thank you for the letter. I was sad. And to learn of the difficult times you are experiencing now. It is important for you to share your feelings and thoughts with someone during this time. I wish there was an easy solution to these problems, but there is not. Please remember that you are loved and that people care about you. All the best. Sincerely, Edward Koch.

[Joe McGinty]

That's nice. Was that reassuring to you in a way?

[H]

No.

[Joe McGinty]

No. Did you have any thought in your mind that perhaps he could actually do something about it? For example, call your father and get your mom and dad back together?

[H]

No, no.

[Joe McGinty]

You just wanted some advice.

[H]

See, I tried to sometimes, like, because I had a dance recital one day and I invited them both, but I wanted them to sit next to each other, but they didn't.

[Joe McGinty]

Yeah. What other advice have you been able to come across to find?

[H]

Well, the guidance counselor, she said that a lot of kids have the same problems. Say there are 400 in school and like 300 of them have the same problem.

[Joe McGinty]

Sure, sure. You know, most people you talk with will have had parents who were divorced. Oh, yeah, most people. It's kind of a sad thing, but most people get through it all right too. That's my advice for you.

[H]

Thank you.

[Joe McGinty]

You wrote another letter to somebody who had written a book called the Boys and Girls Book of Divorce.

[H]

Yes.

[Joe McGinty]

A psychologist.

[H]

Mm.

[Joe McGinty]

And what did that person tell you?

[H]

Well, he said that I should try another of his books to find out help.

[Joe McGinty]

Oh, he wanted you to go out and buy his book, did you?

[H]

Well, we had the one he recommended.

[Joe McGinty]

And how did that go? What did you think of that one?

[H]

Well, the problem is he puts things in a way that I can't really quite get it through me that I already know. And I want some real advice that my questions really are not just answers that people keep telling me over and over again.

[Joe McGinty]

Can you give me an example, Betsy?

[H]

Why'd they get divorced? What happened?

[Joe McGinty]

Do you think that parents sometimes don't think children are old enough to understand or can't handle it and so will hide some information?

[H]

Yes.

[Joe McGinty]

Not that they have to say everything, but you think there ought to be a little bit more sharing of the information?

[H]

Yeah, that's what my mom said.

[Joe McGinty]

Yeah. And in terms of their own divorce, do you understand it better now?

[H]

No.

[Joe McGinty]

No. Why? What still don't you understand about that?

[H]

Well, why did they have to go off and do it? See, the most painful part is when I saw my dad packing up. And I really don't understand because it's hard because they won't tell me what happened to them and I really want them back together and I don't understand why they can't.

[Joe McGinty]

Yeah. What do you think you've learned from this? Do you think if somebody else in school, for example, told you that their parents were getting divorced, how do you think you could advise them?

[H]

Well, I wrote a book and I said. And I think I would say the same information that I said.

[Joe McGinty]

You wrote a very small book?

[H]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joe McGinty]

Do you have it there?

[H]

Mm.

[Joe McGinty]

Could you read some of it for me, please?

[H]

Alright. Let me get it. It's called a book about divorce. Should I read the whole book? It's short.

[Joe McGinty]

Sure.

[H]

It's not your fault when your parents get divorced. Why does it have to be you? Because Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore, remember? It's okay to be sad and cry. Tell someone about your feelings. That's it.

[Joe McGinty]

That's nice. Listen, Betsy, thank you for talking with us. I appreciate it, and I wish you the best. I hope things go well for you.

[H]

Thank you.

[Joe McGinty]

And maybe. Maybe this is the beginning of a writing experience for you and you can grow up to be a writer.

[H]

I don't wanna, but I wanna write like. Like one book that would make it. But not a whole series. You know?

[Joe McGinty]

You just want to write a book and make a lot of money.

[H]

No, not money. Just famous.

[Joe McGinty]

Okay. Okay. Okay, Betsy, thank you. Good night.

[H]

Okay, good night.

[Joe McGinty]

So that's the tape from 20 years ago.

[Lauren]

There you go.

[Joe McGinty]

You're in the studio with us now. Tell us your name.

[Starlee Kine]

Betsy. Allison. Walter.

[Joe McGinty]

How old are you?

[Starlee Kine]

I just turned 29.

[Joe McGinty]

And you're working?

[Starlee Kine]

I am. I have been a elementary school teacher for the past seven years.

[Joe McGinty]

How many times over the years do you think you've heard this taped interview?

[Starlee Kine]

Probably 12. A dozen. Because I didn't hear it for a while. I think I heard it again when I was about 22, 23. Every time I've had a boyfriend, I've played it for him.

[Joe McGinty]

And each time, it's got to be different. How's it been changing for you?

[Ira Glass]

Yeah.

[Starlee Kine]

Recently was the first change.

[Joe McGinty]

Really.

[Starlee Kine]

I used to only hear it with my exact inner monologue from when I was there in the studio. And when I heard certain things, I can still remember the exact thoughts running through my head. I remember it very clearly. I remember thinking that you were just another grownup, you know, offering your advice. All these grownups kept telling me things, but I felt like I knew what they were going to say. They were going to say, it'll be okay, and people fall out of love. But that wasn't what I wanted to hear. Like, it's just. I remember everything. It was. I don't know how. And then recently, I think it was probably when I graduated college. When I heard it again, I heard it as an adult. And it was so heartbreaking. I didn't think it was sad when it was me. It was just what was going on. And it made me sad to hear. Pain in my voice. Confusion. And now I hear it even differently as an educator. I hear it as what would I say to her?

[Joe McGinty]

And looking back at that moment, did you really want the truth or did you want things to be well again and whole again?

[Starlee Kine]

I don't believe that I wanted what the truth really was, but I wanted what I had created the truth to be in my head. I wanted them to say something to the fact that, you know, oh, we just needed time apart and of course we'll come back together. I wanted what I thought the truth was. If I had heard the real truth, I think that it would have been devastating.

[Joe McGinty]

Your dad was fooling around.

[Starlee Kine]

Mm. And my mom did an amazing job of never, ever putting any blame on him, of always being supportive of us having a relationship. But if she had said the truth, I couldn't have a relationship with him. I would have been too angry.

[Joe McGinty]

Okay, let's imagine this. Your advice just to that 8 year.

[Starlee Kine]

Old Betsy, who was you, I do grapple with this. I. It's hard because I know exactly what I wanted to hear when I was 8. I think I would tell her that, you know, what I would actually say, this is probably how your life is going to be. You know, your parents made this choice for you. And now instead of questioning and wondering for so long why this choice was made, how are you going to live your life now, knowing this is your life? I think I still know myself. And I would have been persistent, wanting answers regardless. But I do think that I needed to feel less helpless.

[Ira Glass]

Well, we first broadcast Today's show in 2007. Betsy Allison Walter is now Betsy New Schneider. She has now been teaching elementary school for 25 years. She has three kids of her own. Act three, let no court put asunder. Now we have this example of somebody trying to make breakups less horrible than they are. Barry Berkman used to be like any divorce lawyer. He fought for his clients. He tried to get them big settlements, but he came to believe that what he was doing actually was not so good for most of his clients, which, you know, was kind of a big problem. Here's the kind of thing he would see. Guy comes in ready for a divorce.

[Phil Collins]

His wife had a lot of money. They had worked out a deal, but they did it on their own without seeing lawyers.

[Ira Glass]

What did they decide?

[Phil Collins]

And what they decided was that in order for him, he was a musician, didn't have that much money, but in order for him to live close to her and to be able to see the kids, which they both wanted, she was going to give him enough money to purchase a small co op. And it was great they were both happy as could be. They were ready to do it. They were told to see lawyers. He came to see us. We were fine with it. We said, sure, you know, this looks good. You did a good job. She went to see a lawyer. No way. How can you give him that much? It's not right.

[Ira Glass]

That's what her lawyer was saying.

[Phil Collins]

Absolutely. For the lawyer, it was too much because he had an argument which could theoretically end up giving her the greater part of her separate property. She ended up listening to the lawyer. We ended up with a custody fight as well as a divorce fight.

[Ira Glass]

Wait, and is that because the money fight got so bitter at some point? Exactly. Really?

[Phil Collins]

Yeah. Then they started fighting over the kids, which they hadn't fought over at all.

[Ira Glass]

Well, wait, how did that kick in? What was the moment where from being just about money to being about the kids, too?

[Phil Collins]

What happened was the parties got so angry at each other that they started quibbling about everything. So if he had a gig and couldn't be home on time one evening, she decided he was an unfit parent. If she was spending too much time with her new boyfriend, which this guy decided wasn't appropriate, she became an unfit parent. So the parties ended up fighting not only about money, but about the kids. Used up a good bit of her vast inheritance in the case, and in the end, she ended up buying them the same or similar co op or in the similar neighborhood as the one she would have in the first place. But it took a couple of years. Embittered everyone, and you had to think, was this worthwhile?

[Ira Glass]

Did it have to happen adversarial style? Divorces make up a ton of all divorce proceedings around the country. And Barry felt like most of those cases ended up like this one, incredibly expensive, taking a huge emotional toll on everybody, damaging children. So after 15 years of doing these cases like this, he started looking for a different way. And he found something called collaborative divorce. In collaborative divorce, each spouse gets a lawyer, and then the spouses and the lawyers sit down in a room together to work out some kind of agreement, but under the rules of collaborative divorce, if one of the lawyers thinks that the other side is being intransigent or unreasonable, not only can he not threaten to go to court, if it does go to court, he has to give up the case. He has to give the case to another lawyer to do so, the lawyers have an incentive to work everything out. So, okay, they all sit down together, the spouses and the lawyers. And Barry Brickman says that even though the spouses enter this situation, with good intentions of working everything out. The biggest obstacle he has is something very simple.

[Phil Collins]

I think often what happens is couples in conflict lose the ability to listen to each other.

[Ira Glass]

And so you find yourself very often saying to your own client, no, no, no, no, no. Listen to what they're saying.

[Phil Collins]

Absolutely, absolutely.

[Ira Glass]

And so one of the things, not.

[Phil Collins]

To agree with it, but at least to understand it. That's the whole question. To recognize that your point of view doesn't necessarily invalidate your spouse's point of view.

[Ira Glass]

You're saying the most important thing people need to do is simply just listen to each other and try to get along.

[Phil Collins]

Well, I would say listen to each other. Yeah. I don't know about getting along.

[Ira Glass]

They don't have to try to get along.

[Phil Collins]

Certainly listening goes a long way.

[Ira Glass]

Do things get so reasonable that you get people listening to each other well enough that people eventually just get back together?

[Phil Collins]

I've had that happen once.

[Ira Glass]

What happened?

[Phil Collins]

What happened was we had people who simply couldn't listen to each other. He became very, very busy in his own law practice. She felt she was losing him. Part of it was they couldn't find the time to talk to each other.

[Ira Glass]

But this collaborative divorce process makes you actually show up to meetings with your spouse and your lawyers and start talking. And as these two people talked, they started to see each other's side of things. Maybe he hadn't been around enough. Maybe she could have been more supportive.

[Phil Collins]

I think the turning point came when they were talking about what to do with the house, and each one kind of recognized that they didn't really want to be living anywhere without the other person.

[Ira Glass]

Usually, of course, the spouses do not get back together when the process works. Barry Berkman says, at least they end up feeling a little better about each other. People say at the end of this process, they appreciate your help and they're glad for the results, but they're still full of pain.

[Phil Collins]

Yeah, I mean, we're not going to get rid of the pain. The pain is there. Long marriages. The pain is there. I think going through this process enables people to get in touch with that pain and the real sadness that they're experiencing, which is sometimes covered up by their anger.

[Ira Glass]

Are you saying that at the end of this process, actually just going through the dividing of assets, which is really, in the end, all you're trying to do actually makes people's anger dissipate.

[Phil Collins]

When.

[Ira Glass]

You do it this way, I think.

[Phil Collins]

Going through the process where we reach. And it's not just the assets. The assets are usually relatively easy. Forget we have the kids and the parenting and decision making, and that's often a lot tougher, I think, going through the process where people reach points of understanding where maybe for the first time they get a glimpse of where the other person is coming from. And so all of a sudden they realize, you know what? It's not necessary to demonize this person anymore. And when they have those moments of understand goes a long way toward helping them get on with the rest of their lives, actually.

[Ira Glass]

Barry Berkman is a lawyer in New York and a member of the New York association of Collaborative Professionals, which he helped found. Collaborative Divorce, by the way, was invented by a Minneapolis lawyer named Stuart Webb. Act 4 Divorce is rough we close our show today with this vignette of just how lost you feel when you lose somebody from Meryl Marco, recorded on stage at UN Cabaret in Los Angeles.

[Meryl Marco]

Today our friend Paul came to the house in a near dissociative state of panic. Suddenly and without warning, it appeared that his marriage was unraveling. He sat down on the big red couch in the living room and I offered him a vodka as he started detailing his anguish. Up until yesterday, if you'd asked me if my marriage was a happy one, I would have said yes, he said, choking back tears. And then last night, out of the blue, my wife comes in and tells me she wants a divorce. As Paul spoke, Andy's dog, Puppy Boy, a skinny brown and black Tijuana shepherd, approached with his mouth full of a large, black, completely deflated soccer ball. He placed the flat, wet piece of rubber gently on Paul's knee and then sat down right in front of him to wait for the games to begin. Paul was too upset to notice. She told me she wants to start seeing other men, paul said, tears welling up in his eyes. And that's not even the worst of it. Today I found out from friends they've already seen her around town with another guy. They didn't want to say anything until now. He began to cry, and as he did, Puppy Boy attempted to apply a little additional pressure by picking up the deflated piece of rubber off Paul's knee and moving it to a new spot a little further up Paul's leg. But Paul had the bad manners to be completely preoccupied by his own tragedy. I have no idea what I'm going to do, he said as Puppy Boy moved in a little closer and began staring a little harder, his eyes going intently from the black flat rubber thing that was now balancing on Paul's thigh to Paul's face and then back to the flat black rubber thing, as if to help Paul out in case he was having trouble locating it. It's been just emotionally devastating, paul continued. Everything I've worked for has fallen apart, and what happens to me now? Am I going to lose everything? My house, my cars? My savings? He broke down and began to sob. The only time I've ever seen this incredibly stoic man cry. Which was a signal to Puppy Boy that the game was finally about to get going. So he picked up the deflated soccer ball off Paul's thigh and moved it to the most conveniently located spot of all, the very center of Paul's lap. Then he sat back down in front of Paul and resumed his intense staring. So he kept doing this for the whole two hours that Paul was at our house. Later that night, after Paul had gone home to pick up the pieces of his shattered existence, I began to wonder what Puppy Boy might have to say for himself about this behavior. So I asked him. Poppy Boy replies hello, new seated person. I am Puppy Boy, and I can see that you are very upset for some reason, but I have something on my mind. I'm going out on a limb here and tell you that it is the most important thing I have ever had to say, and it is this. I have placed a thing on you that you must throw. If you look down now, you will.

[Lauren]

See.

[Meryl Marco]

Is that large, flat thing that is balancing on your knee. Please listen to me when I tell you that this is an opportunity you cannot pass up. By the way, you have noticed that your knee has a big, flat, wet thing balancing on it, haven't you? Or are you so busy sobbing and weeping and talking about yourself that you are having trouble seeing it? Here's a hint. I'm staring at it right now, so if you can imagine a laser beam coming from my eyes and then follow it down to the spot on your leg where it is focused, it'll lead you right to it. The only other possible explanation for your puzzling lack of interest is that you are purposefully ignoring me. And why would you do that? Especially since you are really hurting yourself more than you are hurting me. Because let's face it, you're the one who's passing up a great opportunity. And by a great opportunity, I'm referring to the chance to have the kind of fun that everyone dreams of having. I speak of the chance to throw a big, flat, stretchy, wet thing. And guess where it is right now? Throw it now or live a life of regret. I mean, I can't stop you. If you'd rather just listen to yourself talk. Wife, wife, wife. She did this. She did that. Really fascinating. For Christ's sake, look into my eyes and play along. Pick up the big, flat, wet thing.

[Ira Glass]

Pick it up.

[Meryl Marco]

Pick up the big, flat, wet thing.

[Lauren]

Pick it up.

[Ira Glass]

Pick it up.

[Meryl Marco]

Pick up the big, flat, wet thing. Can you hear me okay? Pick up the big, flat, wet thing. Are you even listening? You know, maybe if you had listened a little better during your marriage, your wife wouldn't want a divorce. Did you ever think of that? It wouldn't surprise me if you never threw the thing she brought you either. Thank you.

[Ira Glass]

Meryl Marco at Uncabre in Los Angeles. Meryl's most recent book is a graphic novel, We Saw Scenery. She's also in the upcoming season of the TV show Hacks. Thanks to Greg Miller of Uncabaret. I love you and you love him and I sort of love him. Cause I love everything you love.

[Meryl Marco]

Then he stopped.

[Starlee Kine]

Stop loving you.

[Lauren]

Glory hallelujah.

[Ira Glass]

Somehow you start loving me. I don't know why I love you.

[Lauren]

I just do. I really do.

[Ira Glass]

Doesn't do me any good. In fact it does me bad. Cause you're oh so gone and I'm oh so sad. World Program was produced today by Robin Semion and myself with Alex Bloomberg, Jane Marie John, John Jeter, Sarah Koenig, Lisa Pollack, Alyssa Shipp and Nancy Updike. Our senior producer for today's show is Julie Snyder. Production up from Seth Lind, Liggia Navarro, PJ Voat and Alvin Melith. Music help for today's show from Jessica Hopper. Help on today's rerun from Angela Gervasi and Stone Nelson. Special thanks today to NPR. Noah Adams interview from 1987 was originally broadcast on National Public Radio's All Things Considered, where I was a proud staffer and was used with permission of npr. Thanks to Ellen Weiss. Thanks to the musicians who played Starley's song in Act 1, Joe McGinty on keyboard, Jeremy Chatsky on bass and electric guitar, Julia Greenberg on vocals and acoustic guitar and Natalie Weiss sings backup Starley Kind on tambourine. When we first ran the show, we invited listeners to take the raw tracks of Starly's song and mix their own versions. The response was kind of incredible, 129 entries. You can hear the winners for our breakup song contest, including the version you are hearing right now by We Were Pirates at our website, thisamericanlife.org this American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the public radio exchange, thanks as always to our program's co founder, Mr. Tory Malatea, who's been listening to the show over the phone this week, and he has some thoughts.

[Julia Greenberg]

Well, well, there's some great stuff in there.

[Ira Glass]

I'm Ira Glass. Back next week, some more stories of this American life. This message comes from NPR sponsor Sony Pictures Classics. I'm still here, from filmmaker Walter Salas is the true story of one family's resilience when a dictatorship attempts to tear them apart.

[Phil Collins]

Led by a Golden Globe winning performance.

[Ira Glass]

By Fernanda Torres, now playing select cities.