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- [00:01]
Ira Glass
This message comes from Amazon. Have you ever gotten sick on a very expensive, very non refundable family trip? AmazonOne Medical has 24. 7 virtual care so you can get help no matter where you are. And with Amazon Pharmacy, your meds can get delivered right to your hotel fast. It's kind of like the room service of medical care. Thanks to Amazon Healthcare just got less painful. In a bonus episode just for our this American Life partners, ladies and gentlemen, Ira Glass. We found a recording of IRA's first and only stand up comedy set.
- [00:35]
Neil Drumming
Did we travel back in time?
- [00:38]
Ira Glass
And honestly, it's great.
- [00:40]
Neil Drumming
They do not advertise hiking properly at all.
- [00:44]
Ira Glass
To hear the whole thing and all the other bonus episodes we've been releasing every two weeks and more than anything, help us continue to make the show. Subscribe@thisamericanlife.org LifePartners that link is also in the show notes.
- [00:58]
Neil Drumming
Thank you all so much for having me here.
- [01:04]
Ira Glass
A quick warning. There are curse words that are unbeeped in today's episode of the show. If you prefer a beeped version, you can find that at our website, thisamericanlife.org.
- [01:15]
Neil Drumming
It'S this American Life. From WPEZ Chicago, I'm Ira Glass. And here at our radio show we were talking about romantic comedies and how they don't get a lot of respect. I think it's maybe because the bad ones, every part of them just feels too obvious. You know, the couple meets, but they hate each other at first. They go through some things that make them, you know, learn some important lesson about themselves. You know, from the very beginning they're going to end up together. And then, no surprise, they do. When it's not done well, it's all too obvious and tired and you can feel the gears working in the thing. One of the producers on our show, Neil, he wholeheartedly really loves romantic comedies, has favorites that he's watched over and over dozens of times. He once collaborated with the producer of Sleepless in Seattle on a rom com script that never got made. He has all kinds of thoughts about them. And he realized this thing about rom coms and what's so satisfying about the good ones that I really think is true.
- [02:07]
Michelle Buteau
I used to say that it was just watching just like close ups of two beautiful people being funny and clever and witty to each other. Yeah, being their sort of best selves or sometimes worst selves, but then eventually their best selves. And that was kind of enough for me.
- [02:24]
Elna Baker
Now why shut me out?
- [02:25]
Daniel Radcliffe
You know what happens to people who.
- [02:27]
Elna Baker
Shut everybody out they lead quiet, peaceful lives. No, they fester.
- [02:33]
Neil Drumming
That's Meg Ryan and Kevin Klein with the fake French accent in the movie French Kiss.
- [02:38]
Elna Baker
Fester. I am festering inside. Fester and rot. I've seen it happen. You'll become one of those hunchback, lonely old men sitting in the corner of a crowded cafe, mumbling to yourself, my ass is twitching. You people make my ass twitch.
- [02:58]
Michelle Buteau
If there's a simple thing that resonates for me, it's that in the best of these movies, you get to see two people get along in a way that is bright.
- [03:08]
Neil Drumming
It's just, like, nice to see that part of people.
- [03:10]
Michelle Buteau
Yeah. And I think it's also. I think if you're projecting at all, it's the idea that you can be that connected to someone or receive someone that well. When you see it, you're like, oh, yeah, that would be nice. That's why I like the ones where people spend a lot of time together.
- [03:25]
Neil Drumming
That's key for Neo in Neil's personal ranking of these films, which has the 2009 film the Ugly Truth at the very, very bottom. The three rom coms that sit at the very top, like the tousled hair above Hugh Grant's head, are French Kiss, Two Weeks Notice, which is a real estate rom com, and his very favorite, lots of people's favorites, When Harry Met Sally. And they're all at the top of the list for this very reason, because of how much time the couple spends together talking. Take When Harry Met Sally.
- [03:54]
Michelle Buteau
The thing that I like about it is that at least you get a vision of what their relationship actually is, because they spend 12 years together before they finally get together. So you get to see real fights. You get to see their relationship grow. You get to see their personalities clash. And so they actually have a chance to fall in love by talking to each other, as opposed to in romantic comedies now or, like, where there's a montage and music playing and then you're just supposed to come out of that thinking they're in love. They actually spend time with each other. Like, there's a sequence of scenes in when Hiram and Sally where they're just getting along and they're just talking on the phone.
- [04:31]
Elna Baker
Hello?
- [04:33]
Neil Drumming
You sleeping?
- [04:34]
Elna Baker
No, I was watching Casablanca.
- [04:36]
Neil Drumming
Channel, please.
- [04:37]
Elna Baker
11.
- [04:38]
Gillian Welch
Thank you.
- [04:39]
Neil Drumming
Got it. Now you're telling me you would be happier with Victor Laszlo than with Humphrey Bogart?
- [04:44]
Elna Baker
When did I say that?
- [04:45]
Neil Drumming
When we drove to New York.
- [04:47]
Elna Baker
I never said that. I would never have said that.
- [04:50]
Neil Drumming
All right, fine. Have it your way. Have you been sleeping.
- [04:54]
Elna Baker
Why?
- [04:55]
Neil Drumming
Cause I haven't been sleeping.
- [04:58]
Michelle Buteau
I think if I was dating someone who hated When Harry Met Sally, I don't know that I could date them. Like, I don't know that I could. Like, if you're not interested in, like, the relationship between Harry and Sally, I don't really understand what kind of person you are. I don't know.
- [05:13]
Neil Drumming
Wow.
- [05:13]
Michelle Buteau
That's not to say that you're a bad person. It just means I don't think I understand you.
- [05:23]
Neil Drumming
Okay. Romantic comedies are contrived. The people are way more clever and way better looking than real life. The stories are full of things that would be ridiculous and sometimes maybe even on the stalkery side, if they happen to any of us. But this totally artificial form, when it works, reminds you of what it feels like to be in love and of somebody who wants to listen to what you say and who says things that you want to listen to. And so today we're devoting our whole show to rom coms. Today's episode, by the way, is a rerun. We thought we would bring it back today because frankly, we all wanted a break. And the news and the current events feels like a good time for an hour of fun in each of our acts. Today we found a story that reminds us of some aspect of a movie rom com. And yes, we did go on a search for stories of people running, sprinting down the street in real life in an urgent rush to tell someone that they love them. Stay with us. Support for this American life. And the following message come from Audible. Listen to the new Audible original, the Big Fix. A Jack Bergen mystery inspired by a real life battle in Los Angeles. Conspiracy abounds as a Mexican American community is pushed out in order to build Dodgers stadium. Fellow Private Jack Bergen, played by John Hamm as he investigates this latest case of murder and mayhem. Go to audible.com thebigfix and listen now. This message comes from Amazon Health. Have you ever gotten sick on a very expensive, very non refundable family trip? Amazon One Medical has 247 virtual care so you can get help no matter where you are. And with Amazon Pharmacy, your meds can get delivered right to your hotel fast. It's kind of like the room service of medical care. Thanks to Amazon Healthcare just got less painful. You come to the New Yorker Radio Hour for conversations that go deeper with people you really want to hear from. Whether it's Bruce Springsteen or Questlove or Olivia Rodrigo, Liz Cheney or the godfather of artificial intelligence Geoffrey Hinton or some of my extraordinarily well informed colleagues at the New Yorker. So join us every week on the New Yorker Radio Hour. Wherever you listen to podcasts, it's this American Life. Act One Meet Cute so the first thing a rom com needs is for the couple to meet in an appealing way. The meet Cute.
- [08:02]
Michelle Buteau
The meet cute is supposed to make you feel like no matter what happens, these two people should be together.
- [08:06]
Neil Drumming
There are so many ways to do this. In the wedding planner, Matthew McConaughey saves Jennifer Lopez from a runaway dumpster that is rolling down the street. In Pretty Woman, Richard Gere gets lost in a very fancy car and Julia Roberts gives him directions. Bringing up Baby Katharine Hepburn picks up Cary Grant's golf ball on a golf course. Reality bites. Winona Ryder throws her cigarette into Ben Stiller's car. And Neil's favorite, When Harry Met Sally.
- [08:32]
Michelle Buteau
The thing about When Harry Met Sally is it has an extended meet cute, which I like. They take a road trip from Chicago to New York, and so they're kind of meeting for several hours. And from the very beginning it's contentious because Harry has all these theories about relationships that she finds like crazy and off putting.
- [08:52]
Neil Drumming
What I'm saying is, and this is not a come on in any way, shape or form is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
- [09:03]
Elna Baker
That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
- [09:08]
Neil Drumming
No, you don't.
- [09:08]
Elna Baker
Yes, I do.
- [09:09]
Neil Drumming
No, you don't.
- [09:09]
Elna Baker
Yes, I do.
- [09:10]
Neil Drumming
You only think you do.
- [09:12]
Elna Baker
You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge.
- [09:14]
Neil Drumming
No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
- [09:17]
Elna Baker
They do not.
- [09:18]
Neil Drumming
Do too.
- [09:19]
Elna Baker
They do not.
- [09:20]
Neil Drumming
Do too.
- [09:21]
Michelle Buteau
I think it sets up the chemistry like it sets up that there's something about them that you want to root for.
- [09:29]
Neil Drumming
Meet cutes do happen in real life. But for this first story in today's show, we have a piece of fiction, a story where the meet cute plays an important role in the story as a turning point for one of the characters. The story is by Simon Rich, the actor. Daniel Radcliffe read it for us.
- [09:43]
David Kestenbaum
I don't understand, Professor Xander Kaplan said while his girlfriend sobbed into a pillow. I thought you liked tulips. I do, she said. It's just you get them for me every year. It's starting to get a little impersonal. I mean, this time you didn't even include a card. Xander winced. Her reasoning was sound. I apologize, he said. I obviously made an error in judgment. He tried to take her hand, but she pulled it out of reach. Do you remember what I did for your birthday? She said. I got you that new Bunsen burner you wanted. I knit you a pair of wool socks so your feet wouldn't get cold in the lab. You never make that kind of effort for me. All you do is think about yourself. That's incorrect, xander said. What about Emma Ladium? It took me nine months to synthesize that element, and I named it after you. You were going to synthesize that element anyway, emily said. You needed it for your secret project. That silver orb thing in your lab. Emiladium wasn't about me. It was about you. I mean, for God's sake, you won't even tell me what it does. Xander sighed. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? Emily blinked back some tears. I don't know. I mean, it's not like you can just go back in time and get me a different present. Xander's expression brightened. Wait there, he said. I'll be right back. Xander hurried down the hall, crept into his laboratory, and locked the door behind him. His time machine was right where he had left it. He he climbed inside the silver orb and flicked on the power switch. His plan was travel back in time to this morning, find a new gift for Emily, and bring it to the present. But there were a couple of risks. There was a chance, for example, that using the machine would cause the universe to explode. He'd never tested the thing out before. There was also no guarantee that he would be able to find a good present. He only had enough amaladium to fuel 5 minutes of time travel. That didn't give him a lot of wiggle room. Wherever he went, he would have to shop efficiently. Xander was usually a pretty good problem solver. He had, for example, invented a time machine. But quantum physics and nuclear hydraulics were trivial compared to the rigors of gift shopping. He massaged his temples, trying to remember if Emily had dropped any hints lately. He vaguely recalled her staring at a vase in Crate and Barrel, but that place was full of vases. There was no way he'd be able to pick out the right one. He was trying to remember the name of her favorite perfume when a thought entered his head. Maybe he was thinking too small. His machine could transport him to any time and place in human history. Why go back a few hours when he could go back a few centuries? He knew Emily loved Shakespeare. She'd written her senior thesis on one of his tragedies. Why not travel back to The Globe Theatre and swipe her an original script. It wouldn't be too difficult, he reasoned. All he'd have to do was dash backstage and grab one. It would be the most impressive gift she'd ever received in her life. But which tragedy had Emily written her thesis about? He knew it was one of the King ones. Richard the Something or Charles the Something. But there were a bunch of those. What if he got it wrong? It was too risky. There was always jewelry. He knew the general construction dates for King Tut's tomb. He could park in front of the pyramid, run inside and snatch a jade stone. He entered the coordinates and was about to push the lever when he started to second guess himself again. Buying women jewelry was always chancy. Emily had very specific tastes. And what if she didn't like jade? It wasn't like he'd be able to go back and return it. He thought back to the night they met. He was finishing his PhD at the time, and his lab had closed early because of Easter. He'd stuffed his papers into his briefcase and shuffled through the rain to the 116th street station. It was 4:05am and the platform was deserted except for Emily. It had been several days since Xander's last conversation with a human, and when she started to speak to him, he felt the stirrings of a panic attack. But Emily's friendly smile managed somehow to put him at ease. She was awfully cheerful, given her circumstances. Her Metro card had expired, she said, and the machines were broken. She'd been stranded for over 20 minutes. Would he be willing to sell her a ride? Sander nodded and watched as she rooted around in her purse for some cash to pay him back. It was a moment or two before it occurred to him that she had given him the chance to be gallant. You don't have to reimburse me, he said. I'll swipe you in for free. She thanked him enthusiastically and then shockingly wrapped her arms around his torso. Xander wasn't used to physical contact, and although the hug was brief, it caused his entire body to tingle from head to toe. It was a startling sensation, like walking through an electrically charged field. He still felt that way whenever she touched him. Xander was an atheist and believed fiercely in random causality. But by the end of their shared subway ride, he was sure he'd experienced a miracle. This wonderful person had shown up out of nowhere and given him a chance at love. And in return, he'd given her three years of misery. He thought about all of his Saturday nights at the lab, ignoring her calls, making excuses. He thought about the way she cried when he handed her the tulips. How could he make up for three years of romantic ineptitude with a single birthday present? He closed his eyes and concentrated. There had to be a right answer. Cleopatra's crown. Joan of Arc's sword. A baby dinosaur. What was the greatest thing he could give her? The very best present in the world. It was the hardest problem he'd ever attempted to solve. But then, as always, the solution came to him. Sander parked his time machine by the 116th street station and dashed into the subway. It was 3:45am A little over three years in the past. Emily was standing by the turnstile, swiping and re swiping her expired Metro card. He took a deep breath and approached her. Let me guess, he said. Expired MetroCard. She chuckled. How'd you know? I had a hunch. Come on, I'll swipe you through. Oh, that's okay, she said. I'll just go to the machine upstairs. Or the machines are all broken, he said. You better catch this one, he said. The next one won't come for another 20 minutes. Before she could protest, he took out his Metro card and swiped her through the turnstile. She smiled back at him with confusion. Aren't you coming? She asked as the train pulled into the station. Xander averted his eyes. He worried that if he looked at her, he would start to cry. I need to take a different train, he said. Well, at least let me pay you for the that's alright, he said, his voice breaking. It's a present. He was about to turn away when she leaned over the turnstile and hugged him. It was exactly as he remembered it, her long brown hair brushing softly against his neck, his entire body tingling with warmth. Thanks, she said. He tried to say, you're welcome, but the words got caught in his throat. He waved goodbye as she boarded the train. Then he marched out of the station alone.
- [17:58]
Neil Drumming
Daniel Radcliffe Reading the Short Story of the Present by Simon Rich. Rich's latest book is called Glory Days. Radkoff also starred in Rich's TV show Miracle Workers for four seasons.
- [18:14]
Michelle Buteau
Act 2 the Obstacle the main body of most romantic comedies is there's something or a group of things keeping them apart. There's always obstacles that are keeping the two these two people who are fated to be together.
- [18:29]
Neil Drumming
The obstacles can be big or little. Tom Hanks isn't over his dead ex wife in Sleepless in Seattle. In Notting Hill, guy falls in love with somebody who's too famous for him In Bridget Jones, she's going after the wrong guy, which of course is Pride to Prejudice. And I don't know so many films, it's one of the most common. And When Harry Met Sally, they each are involved with other people for a lot of the film. But the real obstacle is that they're friends, which in this film has a special meaning because if you remember, when Harry met Sally on that car ride originally, he told her that he didn't think that men and women could ever just be friends. So this is new for him. Billy Crystal has a scene in the film with a sidekick character, a best friend played by Bruno Kirby, where they talk about this. I don't understand this relationship. What do you mean? You enjoy being with her?
- [19:13]
Steve Snyder
Yeah.
- [19:13]
Neil Drumming
You find her attractive?
- [19:14]
David Kestenbaum
Yeah.
- [19:15]
Gillian Welch
And you're not sleeping with her?
- [19:17]
Steve Snyder
No.
- [19:18]
Neil Drumming
You're afraid to let yourself be happy. Why can't you give me credit for this? This is a big thing for me. I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex. I feel like I'm growing. We went out looking for a real life couple facing some obstacle that kept them from being together. And that's not actually very hard to find. But one of our producers, Elna Baker, heard about a couple where the obstacle that confronted them once their relationship got going was pretty unusual. It was a couple one of her friends was in years ago. Quick warning to everybody who's listening to this podcast version of our show. There are some words that we have unbeeped and this and other stories in the program. If you don't want to hear that, maybe you're listening with kids. You can get a beeped version at our website, thisamericanlife.org Anyway, here's Elna.
- [20:00]
Daniel Radcliffe
My friend Michelle Buteau is one of the most audacious, ballsy people I know. And she brings this attitude into all aspects of her life, including relationships. This is a story about her and her boyfriend. It starts in the 90s when she was 18, going to college, living in Miami. And as college students do, she adopted a new cool Persona for herself. One that wore dark lipstick cargo pants and danced in reggae clubs every weekend.
- [20:27]
Jillian
I loved dancing. Like, I wanted to be a fly girl on In Living Color. I definitely would have been like Snoop Dogg's like, video ho if I had the chance.
- [20:36]
Neil Drumming
Yeah.
- [20:37]
Jillian
And yeah, I was out one night at a teeny bopper club and that's where I saw him. I remember there the smoke machine was working. It felt like we were at a bar mitzvah somewhere in Jersey. And Literally, when the smoke cleared, I'm like, who is that tall boy with the khakis on and the big old chain and the curly hair? How do I talk to him? And I kind of just sort of, like, inched my way over to him on the dance floor. I remember, like, doing this move where we're like. We both sort of, like, roll into each other's body, and I can, like, get a whiff of his Jakar Noir. And I was like. And, like, my heart was beating so fast I could hear it. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is what love is. I feel like a Puerto Rican Molly Ringwald.
- [21:28]
Daniel Radcliffe
Like, in any good first encounter, there were magical coincidences.
- [21:32]
Jillian
We were walking out to the parking lot, and we realized we both had the same car. Mazda Proteges, both leased by our moms.
- [21:39]
Daniel Radcliffe
Was that a moment where you're like, this is fate? I mean, not only did I go to this club.
- [21:43]
Jillian
Oh, definitely. I'm like, what? Like, out of all the cars in the world, out of all the dance clubs, you and me.
- [21:52]
Daniel Radcliffe
He was 18, too, but he seemed really grown up.
- [21:55]
Jillian
He worked at best buy selling DVDs. And he was also a drug dealer. And in my mind, I was like, oh, my God, he's so cool. He's so good at math. Like, he counts so quickly.
- [22:11]
Daniel Radcliffe
In case you're thinking drug dealer, red flag. He was barely a drug dealer. He dealt weed. Nearly every woman I know has dated a weed dealer. They quickly got serious, and he was Michelle's first big relationship. He was funny, smart, they had good banter, and he was this incredibly accepting person. Made her feel comfortable, confident about her body and about sex, which she'd never really felt before. She imagined a real future with him.
- [22:40]
Jillian
The plan was. I mean, looking back on it, it seems so basic, but just to be with each other and to have fun and to have kids and to go out to dinner after a movie on a Friday night. You know, Olive Garden, Cheesecake Factory just kind of exists in a really cute apartment with beige carpet and white blinds. Yeah. The American dream.
- [23:10]
Daniel Radcliffe
Fast forward three years into the relationship. Their lives are totally entwined. Their families are close. They vacation together. It was that point of no return place in a relationship where you're just like, here it is. This is it. But there was this one thing that seemed sort of off. A lack of photographic evidence. No pictures of himself as a kid specifically. No school pictures. No prom picture. Even his mom didn't have any shots of him. It was just weird. And then one night, I had a.
- [23:42]
Jillian
Dream that he called me up. He told me that he never graduated high school. And when I called him the next day, and I was like, I had this crazy dream. He just started crying. I could just hear him gently sobbing. And he's like, not only did I not graduate high school, I don't even know how to read. I'm just like, how? Like, I thought I knew you. Like, what? Like, haven't we read something together?
- [24:09]
Daniel Radcliffe
Their entire relationship flashed before her eyes. One moment after another. Suddenly it all made sense.
- [24:18]
Jillian
And I was going back, you know, I realized, like, oh, my God, this is why we go to the same restaurant. We would go to the same restaurant, and he'd order the same thing because he couldn't read the menu. And he liked to go to restaurants that had pictures of the food. You know, I would write him poems and stuff, and he's like, read them to me. You know, it's better when I hear it from you. And never want to go through his mail. I had to help him.
- [24:46]
Daniel Radcliffe
When you stop and think about it, the fact that he'd been able to navigate the world convincingly and keep this from Michelle for over three years, it was an incredible feat. He must have been covering this up constantly.
- [24:59]
Jillian
When he told me why he didn't know how to read, it just made my heart break even more. I mean, his dad died when he was young, and so his mom had to work three jobs, and he was depressed and just dropped out of the fifth grade, and nobody ever noticed. His mom didn't want to deal with it. And, you know, I'm not judging because it must have been so hard for her. The only thing that kept going through my mind I remember was, I want to save you. I want to help you. I want to make this better. You know, we're going to get back on track to what we had planned.
- [25:38]
Daniel Radcliffe
She was not going to allow this obstacle to push them apart. She jumped into action. This was before you could Google everything. So Michelle went to the library and did research on adult literacy. She broke it down into manageable steps and wrote out a timeline for him.
- [25:54]
Jillian
My game plan for him was I had a list of places he could go to to go to night school, A therapist he could talk to, Easy adult reading books, tips and tricks. There was, like, a whole sort of, like, care package of, like, how to just take it on. And he was, like, really overwhelmed by it. And I was like, okay, this is a really big deal. I get it.
- [26:19]
Daniel Radcliffe
Michelle's dyslexic, and her boyfriend didn't have a learning disability, but still, she could empathize with how hard it can be to read. And at first, Michelle's boyfriend was totally on board with the plan. But after a year of Michelle offering him solutions, he still hadn't taken any action. It just seemed like he didn't want to. He got around the world just fine without reading. She started realizing, oh, wait, his illiteracy was a way bigger problem for her than it was for him. And it really started pushing them apart.
- [26:51]
Jillian
I stopped being his girlfriend and sort of became his coach or his. Or his mom. And it wasn't fun for either one of us. I tried every tactic. I was patient, I was nice. I was stern. And then I kind of backed off. I'm like, whatever he needs to do on his own time.
- [27:12]
Daniel Radcliffe
It started to bleed its way into every moment they shared together. Like, she could never fully relax anymore. Even when they were happy, she'd snap herself out of it and think, wait, no, no. We're forgetting that there's this huge, looming problem, and we've got to fix it before everything can be okay. She started to resent him.
- [27:33]
Jillian
We don't even laugh anymore. We're not even, like, holding hands like we used to. We're not even having sex like we used to, simply because you're not even going to this class. Like, if he just went to a class, I would just be so happy.
- [27:48]
Daniel Radcliffe
Did you feel like, if you love me, you will learn to read?
- [27:53]
Jillian
Absolutely. I mean, is that weird? But I totally felt like that. I was like, who's gonna read books to our kids at night? Like, you gotta get it. This was, like, the vein of my existence. I was like. And I couldn't really talk to anyone about it because how embarrassing. Because I didn't want to. I didn't want my friends to think less of him, you know? And I wanted him to still feel like a man. So I just kind of, like, carried this by myself. And at some point, I just looked at myself and I was like, you gots to go. But even then, it was just like, how do I leave somebody when they're down?
- [28:44]
Daniel Radcliffe
Well, in a sense, it actually, like, it made the relationship last longer because everything became about him reading. And so if you could just crack that or fix that, then maybe it would work out.
- [28:59]
Jillian
Oh, my God. What are you, Dr. Phil with tits? Yeah. I mean, I feel like I always live like that. If I could just lose those £20, if I could just have a clean house all the time, I could do everything I really want to do on my list. And so, yeah, there was that. You know, if we could just get past this, then we'll, you know, live the life we're supposed to live.
- [29:26]
Daniel Radcliffe
That's the promise of an obstacle. You feel like all you have to do is conquer it and you get your happy ending. How would it play out in a rom com?
- [29:37]
Jillian
The obstacle being his illiteracy?
- [29:40]
Daniel Radcliffe
Yeah.
- [29:42]
Jillian
Ooh, okay. Boom. He learns how to read. He writes like a New York bestseller, like, situation. It becomes a movie. Channing Tatum plays him, Lisa Bonet plays me, and we live happily ever after with like a bunch of mixed children in a huge apartment with beige carpet by Cheesecake Factory.
- [30:02]
Daniel Radcliffe
Amazing. See, I was imagining that he would like greet you at the airport with like a sign that he had handwritten himself that was like, michelle, I can read now.
- [30:15]
Jillian
Oh my God. And then you'd see it and you'd.
- [30:16]
Daniel Radcliffe
Start crying and you'd be like, ugh. And he's worked so hard behind your backs, secretly going to night school the whole time.
- [30:24]
Jillian
Aw, I know. Instead, he just like fucked a stripper.
- [30:32]
Daniel Radcliffe
Okay, she wasn't a stripper. But she was sleeping with Michelle's boyfriend. Michelle suspects that the entire time she was struggling to get him to read he was cheating on her. She was so focused on the obstacles she thought they were facing, she totally missed it. Of course, as rom coms go, the thing missing from this story is calm. At least until Michelle started doing stand up and figured out how to tell it on stage. When did you decide, like, this story's funny. I'm gonna put it in my act, like. Cause it's actually like really sad.
- [31:12]
Jillian
But yeah, you know, most of my. The first joke I ever wrote was about him.
- [31:21]
Daniel Radcliffe
Will you tell it to me?
- [31:23]
Jillian
Sure. It's lines at Disney World remind me of my ex boyfriend. 3 hours of waiting for a 2 minute ride.
- [31:29]
Elna Baker
Ayo.
- [31:30]
Jillian
But the story, I didn't feel comfortable doing it on stage till 13 years later. And I stayed with him. But then it got like real ratchet. Like, we would get into arguments and I say shit like, but you said.
- [31:44]
Elna Baker
You learned how to read for me.
- [31:46]
Jillian
Like, that's not how you want your first relationship to be.
- [31:51]
Daniel Radcliffe
In her act, she even talks about how great it feels to tell the story on stage.
- [31:56]
Jillian
But it just felt so good. It was so cathartic. I was like, yes, I gotta get this out. And I just started doing jokes about him and blogging about him. And my friends are like, you gotta be careful. Cause you're using his first and last name. And I was like, bitch, I don't give a fuck because that motherfucker can't read. All right, good night, everybody. I gotta go.
- [32:27]
Neil Drumming
Ellena Baker was a longtime producer on our show. Michelle Bateau is the author of Survivor of the Thickest. Second season is streaming on Netflix. She's going on tour this fall. You can find out more@michellep.org Coming up, a real life rom com that involves Shakespeare, real kisses that are like stage kisses and the police. That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.
- [32:53]
Ira Glass
Support for this American Life comes from GoodRx. Stop seasonal allergy symptoms in their tracks with GoodRx. Pay as little as $15 for common allergy medications, plus find savings on everyday prescriptions for you and your family. Pets too. GoodRx compares prescription prices at over 70,000 pharmacies and instantly finds discounts of up to 80%. GoodRx is not insurance, but may beat your copay if you are insured. Stop allergy symptoms before they start. Go to goodrx.com tal Support for this American Life comes from BetterHelp. Therapy can be expensive, but at BetterHelp, they believe therapy should feel accessible, not like a luxury, which is why they offer quality care at a price that makes sense and can help you with anything from anxiety to everyday stress. Your mental health is worth it, and now it's within reach. Visit betterhelp.ctal to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.ctal Support for this American Life comes from EasyCater, committed to helping organizations order and manage food for all their business needs, with search tools to help accommodate dietary preferences and stay on budget, plus flexible payment by credit card or invoicing. Ezcator also offers employee lunch programs, tools to see and control food spend and 247 live customer support all on one platform. Learn more at EasyCater.com.
- [34:22]
Neil Drumming
This is American Life. Myra Glass today's program Rom com stories, mostly taken from real life, that mimic things that we have seen in romantic comedies. We've arrived at Act 3 of our show, Act 3, the run. This, of course, in a romantic comedy is the scene where somebody has to cross town at some point, literally sprinting to chase down the person they love and stop them from either marrying somebody else or winning them back somehow. It doesn't always end up at the airport, but lots of these do. And honestly, I have to say I was surprised we found this ever happened in real life. But here is one story like that Marisa Cohen's dad Used to like to tell this story. It was about his own marriage. He died a couple years ago. His name is Ron. The story goes like this. When he was getting together with Marissa's mom. Marissa's mom, Debbie, drove across the country to move in with Ron in Florida. And before she left, she had the post office forward her mail to his house in Florida. And he saw a letter arrive from her ex fiance.
- [35:20]
Jillian
I think it's crazy, but my dad decided that he saw that letter and he had to read it.
- [35:25]
Neil Drumming
This is Marissa.
- [35:26]
Jillian
So he just opened the letter, read the whole thing. And as my dad put it, my mom's ex fiance was declaring, like, his undying love for her and was like, begging her not to go and was saying he wants to get back together with her. And my dad freaked out.
- [35:44]
Neil Drumming
He decided this is it. It's now or never. He decides he's going to meet her in Dallas, which is where she is on her car trip and also is where the ex fiance lives. He hurries to the airport.
- [35:56]
Jillian
The way he told it was he was going through the airport, you know, running through the Florida airport. Gets a ring out of a little, like, gumball machine. Puts, like, you know, however much that costs, like a quarter or whatever in the gumball machine, Pulls out a Mickey Mouse ring because it's Florida, naturally, gets on the plane, flies and meets my mom in Dallas. And right there in the airport, gets out on Ranif the second he sees her.
- [36:21]
Daniel Radcliffe
I had no plans of seeing the.
- [36:22]
Jillian
X Family at all whatsoever.
- [36:25]
Neil Drumming
As Marissa's mom, Debbie, she had no idea the ex fiance had written a letter or that Ron had opened it. All she knew was that he had offered to drive the rest of the way across the country with her and was going to meet her in the Dallas airport.
- [36:36]
Elna Baker
He gets off the plane and I greet him.
- [36:40]
Jillian
And practically the very next thing out.
- [36:43]
Elna Baker
Of his mouth is, will you marry me? And he opens up his hand, and.
- [36:49]
Daniel Radcliffe
In his hand, he's got this little.
- [36:51]
Jillian
Mickey Mouse ring in his hand.
- [36:54]
Elna Baker
And I am not proud of my reaction at all. Do you want to hear it?
- [36:59]
Neil Drumming
Yeah.
- [37:00]
Elna Baker
My reaction was, are you crazy? This is the craziest thing I've ever heard of. I barely know you. That was my reaction.
- [37:07]
Neil Drumming
I have to say. That is my favorite part of the story.
- [37:10]
Elna Baker
I could have been a little more gentle.
- [37:12]
Neil Drumming
Now, what I love about it is that in the movies, when somebody does a gesture like that, like, often, it's way crazier than what he did. Yes. And kind of stalkerish. But the movie just acts like oh, that was a totally lovely thing for a person to do because true love will out. And I like that you had the normal human reaction that a normal person would have, would be like, are you nuts?
- [37:35]
Elna Baker
Right, right, right, right. Yeah, well, I'm too pragmatic to fall for that one, I guess.
- [37:44]
Neil Drumming
Drew life eventually did win out, though. At their wedding, in addition to a regular ring, she also wore the Mickey Mouse one. There was another story we heard about somebody running to win love, which actually kind of paralleled the run that happens at the end of Neil's favorite rom com. When Harry Met Sally. When Harry Met Sally. The way it goes is that it's New Year's Eve. Harry's wandering around the streets of New York, and he realizes that he loves Sally, has to tell her now. Breaks into a run to go tell her.
- [38:14]
Michelle Buteau
It's very New York centric in this one because he tries to catch cab, and of course, he can't. So then he's just like, he's just going to run the entire distance.
- [38:21]
Neil Drumming
David Kestenbaum has a real life version of this story about a guy named Steve Snyder.
- [38:26]
Gillian Welch
The thought that someone actually made one of these runs in real life seems so unlikely to me that I wanted to see where it had happened, retrace the steps of it. So I met Steve where the run began, at this burger place on Ludlow street in New York City. Steve is the kind of guy who is not very good at hiding his feelings. Like, if this were a movie, you could title it, say everything. The setup to the run is he'd met this woman, Emily, at a birthday party. He was totally smitten.
- [38:53]
Steve Snyder
What I remember is the party kind of turned into sort of a tunnel vision moment. All I really did was talk to her.
- [39:01]
Gillian Welch
It didn't go great. He kept asking her, you want to.
- [39:03]
Neil Drumming
Go to a movie?
- [39:04]
Gillian Welch
Maybe we could hang out sometime.
- [39:06]
Steve Snyder
If there's a trajectory of my life, it's going from clingy to a little less clingy.
- [39:10]
Gillian Welch
Steve emailed her after the party. Nothing came of it. A year passes, and just like in When Harry Met Sally, they meet a second time. In Steve and Emily's case, it's at the very same birthday party, same apartment, and they become friends. It was the kind of friendship where really it could go either way. She seemed kind of interested in something more, but maybe not enough. And the longer they were friends, it was like, well, maybe that's what they were. Steve had a job as a film critic, so they would go to movies, lots of movies, where they Would not hold hands and not kiss.
- [39:51]
Steve Snyder
There is a pathetic moment. So Lincoln center station, we're waiting for the train. It's like some crazy 20 minute wait where the words actually come out of my mouth, you know, hey, if you ever want a film critic as a boyfriend, you just let me know. I think we were talking about it fit into the context of the conversation somehow, but I can't think of anything more pathetic.
- [40:13]
Gillian Welch
Told what was her reaction?
- [40:16]
Steve Snyder
She just kind of laughed and was like, yeah, okay, okay.
- [40:24]
Gillian Welch
The run happened on a night where they were not going to hang out. Steve thinks he was working on a review of some Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. And after work, he goes out with some friends to a music place.
- [40:34]
Steve Snyder
Music's so loud. And it's kind of fun, you know, It's a great night. And we're dancing. I actually started dancing for once. We leave the place, we're going to go get some greasy food because we're hungry and we haven't eaten and I have my bag and everything. So we walk into the burger joint.
- [40:48]
Gillian Welch
The place we are sitting in right now, greasy spoon tiled, white walls and painted brick. It's like a piece of a subway station that's somehow above ground.
- [40:56]
Steve Snyder
You know, there's what, five tables here? It's tiny. And so I remember just kind of throwing my bag down and then I pull out my phone just to check. And it's one of those weird nights, right? Like, I just haven't checked my phone almost any night. Any night. 99% of nights, you know your phone's right next to you. If it's buzzing, you hear it. If it's. If it rings, you hear it. I don't know if I had bad reception in the place because it's kind of an older building, but I look down that I swear to God, I have like 22 text messages. And I'm. I'm like, what? And they're all from Emily. And so I run out of the burger place to the street.
- [41:32]
Gillian Welch
Let's go outside.
- [41:34]
Steve Snyder
Okay.
- [41:43]
Jillian
All right.
- [41:43]
Gillian Welch
So you rush out here.
- [41:44]
Steve Snyder
I rush out here. And there's not exactly a lot of room. I mean, there's. There's not room at all. So this is a crowded. Like, this is where you hang out till 4am So I rush out and I. I start reading through the messages and it starts very kind of innocently, very like, hey, what are you up to tonight? Oh, are you. Oh, maybe you're out. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to, like, get a drink or something. And then. And then it starts escalating. Like, wait, are you. Are you not texting me, or why aren't you texting me back?
- [42:19]
Gillian Welch
Usually he was pretty quick at getting.
- [42:20]
Steve Snyder
Back to her because I was totally into her. And then it started being, like. It started getting a little more paranoid. And then I think she started thinking I was on a date or something.
- [42:31]
Gillian Welch
In just two hours, it looked like she'd gone through all these phases, everything laid out in all these texts, ending with one that Steve was not expecting.
- [42:40]
Steve Snyder
The last text message said, maybe we need to talk about this whole not dating thing. I just. I thought, like, this is. This is it. Like, whatever's. Whatever's about to happen. Like, this is the moment. And so I immediately called her. I immediately just hit dial. I didn't quite know what I was gonna say. And I think she picked up the phone, said, hello. And I just kind of started going into it, Like, I don't know what. What to say here. Like, yes, I want to date you. And what have we been doing? You know? I'm like, screaming in the street. The cars aren't moving. People stop walking by me. They just stop to see, like, what's going on here. Because I'm screaming like, I love you. I don't know how to be clearer. Like, I love you. And so I'm screaming this. And this crowd is starting to cheer me on. Someone does yell, like, say you love them. Like, say you love them. Yelling to her through the phone. And I love New York. And all I remember her saying, and it might have been all that she did say was, you know, like, you need to stop yelling. If you want to talk about this, you might as well just come here. And as far as I'm concerned, this is the moment. Like, it's on. Like, this is happening. And I just start running down the street looking for cabs.
- [44:10]
Gillian Welch
Let's run.
- [44:11]
Neil Drumming
Let's run.
- [44:11]
Steve Snyder
Okay, So I start running.
- [44:14]
Gillian Welch
We are now jogging up Ludlow Street. It's actually kind of exciting.
- [44:18]
Neil Drumming
The crowd.
- [44:19]
Steve Snyder
The crowd's looking at me, wondering what the hell I'm doing. And literally, I'm, like, banging on every cab because it's that time of night where some. Where some are just saying they're off duty. So I think I. I hit a couple, and I'm sort of like, can you take me just. Just up to the East Village? Not that far.
- [44:37]
Gillian Welch
But taxi after taxi is like, no. Or there's someone in it. So he keeps running.
- [44:41]
Steve Snyder
Like, I didn't tell my friends where I was going. I left my laptop all These screeners that I had taken assignments to review that the movie studios told me they needed back. I ditched everything.
- [44:53]
Neil Drumming
Can we talk about the running?
- [44:55]
Steve Snyder
Yeah.
- [44:56]
Gillian Welch
Why does love always involve running?
- [45:00]
Steve Snyder
That is interesting. Why did I feel like I had to run?
- [45:03]
Gillian Welch
In the movies, they run, but usually it's because someone's about to get married or about to get on a plane.
- [45:07]
Steve Snyder
Like it felt very urgent to get there very quick. This had been building up for years, and for a moment, she was willing to consider it. And I was gonna get there before she said it was too late or she was too tired.
- [45:18]
Gillian Welch
Steve told me he'd been living in the friend universe for so long, and now it was like this little wormhole had opened up. He didn't know for how long where he might be able to slip into the parallel universe of boyfriend. Steve did eventually get a taxi. He made it to her apartment, and he stayed over. And they did become boyfriend and girlfriend. In the movies, this is often the final scene. The end of the movie is the beginning of the relationship. You don't really get to see how it goes, how he gets too clingy, one of them meets someone else, how it just fades. But that is not this story.
- [45:56]
Steve Snyder
We got married and now we have two kids. And I still can't believe it's all played out the way it did.
- [46:04]
Gillian Welch
I know things don't always work out in the end, but sometimes you just want to hear the ones that do.
- [46:14]
Neil Drumming
David Kestenbaum is our show's Senior Editor. Act 4. You had me at hello. So after Harry does his run across New York City on New Year's Eve and reaches Sally, he explains to her that he ran because once you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. And he tells her all the things about her that he notices and loves about her. That's the final thing you need for a rom com. You need for somebody to declare that they see you in ways that you are usually not seen. Maybe you don't even know yourself. And it does happen in real life sometimes after some obstacles. Diane Wu has a story like that.
- [46:53]
Diane Wu
She fell for him in an acting class. Gillian was a serious young actor, bent over her desk taking notes. When Jeffrey got up in front of class to read from A Midsummer Night's.
- [47:03]
Elna Baker
Dream, I just remember hearing his voice first and then, like, actually looking up from my notebook and just watching him do the scene. And he was so, so good. And he has this really awesome voice. It's like, super low and really resonant. And he was really hot, too.
- [47:26]
Diane Wu
By the time he sat back down, she was done.
- [47:29]
Elna Baker
I was immediately, like, more attracted to him than I'd ever felt attracted to anybody before. And I didn't know how to talk to him. Like, I just. I knew that I wanted to talk to him, but I just didn't know how. It was like a mix between wanting to be right next to somebody and then, like, run away and hide.
- [47:47]
Diane Wu
Gillian was young, 20. She'd had boyfriends, but nothing too serious. And they'd always liked her more than she liked them. Until Jeffrey. They were working together at a Shakespeare theater in New York. At the end, they put on a production of the Winter's Tale on stage. She'd sometimes get so distracted that he was there that she'd forget her lines. Sometimes offstage, she thought maybe Jeffrey was flirting with her, but she couldn't tell for sure. And anyway, she had a never sleep with a castmate. So for four months, she kept her feelings to herself. Cut to the night of the final cast party. Everyone's at the bar that they always go to, and it's the first night. They're no longer co workers. So on her way over, Jillian makes it her mission to try and kiss him that night. She talks to him a lot at the party, but keeps chickening out. Finally, she gives up and decides to go home.
- [48:43]
Elna Baker
And so I was standing there, and I was getting ready to hail a cab, finishing up the end of a cigarette, and I felt him come up next to me. And, yeah, he just. It was kind of like. I remember him just, like, brushing back hair kind of off of my cheek. And it's that moment, you know, where you know that you're actually gonna kiss. Like, you just feel it in your two bodies. And he just so very lightly pressed his lips up against mine. And then it was like an actual, like, deeper kiss. And I know from the outside we made it look good because it very much felt like one of those, like. Like a good stage kiss.
- [49:26]
Diane Wu
After their perfect first kiss kiss, everything falls into place. On cue, he invites her back to his apartment. She flicks her cigarette to the curb. He opens the door to the cab. She glides into the backseat. More kissing ensues.
- [49:40]
Elna Baker
I think that's probably the first time I've ever made out with anybody in the back of a cab. I think I was probably like, this cab driver's here.
- [49:49]
Diane Wu
They make out all the way across Manhattan, over a bridge and up five flights of stairs. Somehow, Jeffrey Manages to unlock the door without removing his lips from Jillian's. This impresses her very much. Everything is going so perfectly.
- [50:04]
Elna Baker
So then I use his bathroom because I've been drinking a lot of beer all night, and I'm so nervous. I notice that my hands are shaking in the mirror. I'm so nervous, and I just, like, look myself in the eye. And I actually gave myself pep talk, like, pointer fingers and dancing in the mirror and being like, this is everything you've waited for. It's actually happening. It's like excitement. Nervous. I believe in you. Yeah.
- [50:31]
Diane Wu
Then Jillian encounters the first obstacle in what will turn out to be a very strange night for her.
- [50:37]
Elna Baker
And my whole heart just sinks. I'm not actually gonna be able to have sex with him. I just got my period and I realized that, like, making out with him in the back of the cab and just, like, my cigarettes and my leather jacket, you know, it makes me seem like I was this really cool city girl. But the reality of who I am is this very nervous person who grew up very conservative. Like, very, very conservative.
- [51:07]
Diane Wu
Gillian grew up on a farm in rural Canada. This one time when she was young and got her period while wearing white pants, her whole family participated in a weird game of denial. Everyone just pretended like she sat in some jam. She didn't even like to say the word period.
- [51:23]
Elna Baker
It was something that was kind of, like, very hush hush, and not something I was used to discussing openly.
- [51:31]
Diane Wu
Jillian thinks there's no way we can sleep together tonight. So she's disappointed. And she's stressing over how she's even going to tell him. But she can't hide in the bathroom much longer. He's waiting on the other side of the door.
- [51:44]
Elna Baker
So I left the bathroom, and it was like I stepped out into another world. This, like, romantic world where he had actually taken a scarf and put it over a lamp. So, like, the lighting was this, like, orange mood lighting. He didn't have a shirt on. And my mind remembers him glistening. He probably wasn't actually glistening, but that's how my mind remembers him.
- [52:08]
Diane Wu
We checked her mind remembers. Right? Jeffrey told me, and he said yes. This was very embarrassing looking back, but while she was in the bathroom, he slathered on baby oil to make his muscles pop. Anyway, they start to kiss.
- [52:21]
Elna Baker
And I remember, like, at first being really into it and then remembering my situation. So my mouth does that thing where it curls up a little bit, and we kind of laugh a bit. And he goes in to kiss me again. I do that thing where I pull Away again. And he was so sweet. He was like, wait, what's going on? You know, he noticed it. He read it right away and was like, we don't have to do this. Like, I want to be clear. Like, nothing is expected of you in this situation. We don't have to have sex. And I was like, I want to. I really, like, I honestly, I want to. It's just. And I kept trying to think of. How am I going to phrase this? I think of this thing that my roommate used to say. She calls it her Aunt Flo. So I look at him and I tell him that my Aunt Flo has just landed and she's very much in town. And he gets, like, a little bit confused. He asks me if my aunt has just arrived at the airport and if I have to go see her or something. So eventually I just. I fess up and I tell him, like, no, I have my period. And I'm pretty sure I whispered it. I'm pretty sure I was like, I have my period. And he smiled this, like, half smile and was like, so. I was like, so? What do you mean so? And he just. He didn't care.
- [53:52]
Diane Wu
He didn't care. He was older than her, grew up with a bunch of sisters. Jillian is briefly astonished, considers this totally new possibility, not caring, decides she's into it, and they start kissing again. And because this is a family show, I will just say that everything that happened next went really well. In fact, it was the first time this particular activity went quite so well for Jillian.
- [54:17]
Elna Baker
I felt like I finally understood what it was about. I remember lying there and listening to his heartbeat. Yeah, just like, listening to his heartbeat. It's such a comforting sound that I can still hear it so distinctly. And after a while, he gets up to go to the bathroom, and he kind of, like, flicks on that little light.
- [54:45]
Diane Wu
She's talking about the lamp by the bed.
- [54:46]
Elna Baker
And I turn off that light, and he flicks it on again. And then I turn it back off. And we have this, like, little shared moment. Laughter. And he leaves. And I turn the light on again, and it looks like a crime scene. There is blood everywhere. This is the first time I had seen so much of my own menstrual fluid. I was afraid of it. I got. Couldn't even fathom what he was going to think about it.
- [55:18]
Diane Wu
Just when Jillian thinks it can't get worse, she looks up from the bed.
- [55:22]
Elna Baker
And then I don't know how this happened, but my very own, like, red bloody handprint is on his white wall.
- [55:33]
Diane Wu
Oh, my God.
- [55:34]
Elna Baker
I just, like, panicked.
- [55:38]
Diane Wu
Jillian tears the sheets off the bed and throws them aside. Next, the handprint.
- [55:42]
Elna Baker
He didn't have any water or anything in his room, so I used my own saliva to wipe the bloody handprint off of the wall. Like, out, out, damn spa.
- [55:57]
Diane Wu
Next, she bundles up the sheets, but she has no idea what to do with them. She starts to put them in the hamper, but then realizes that he would still have to take them and wash them himself, which she cannot bear to imagine. She peeks under his bed to see if she can stash them there, but then she thinks, no, no, that's crazy. He'll still find them. Jeffrey will be out of the bathroom any minute. She's running out of options.
- [56:21]
Elna Baker
So I stuffed them into my own backpack.
- [56:25]
Diane Wu
Were you gonna take them?
- [56:26]
Elna Baker
Oh, yeah. Well, I have to get out of there.
- [56:28]
Diane Wu
You're not gonna get away with that, though. He's gonna notice his sheets are gone.
- [56:32]
Elna Baker
I know, but I wasn't thinking about that at the time. All I could think of is that I didn't want him to have to wash these sheets, and I didn't. I didn't want him to have to clean up my mess.
- [56:46]
Diane Wu
I guess to cover her tracks, Jillian throws the comforter over the bed so you can't see the sheets are missing, straightens the pillows, and gets ready to bolt when Jeffrey comes back from the shower. She makes up a lame excuse about why she can't stay the night. Something about having to go to work early the next morning. She could tell how flimsy it sounded as she was saying it.
- [57:06]
Elna Baker
And I just. Oh, it breaks my heart, but I remember him looking so hurt and so confused. I. I wish that I didn't leave. Like, I wish that I had stayed.
- [57:18]
Diane Wu
But she didn't. Jeffrey offered to help Jillian hail a cab, but she was like, no, it's fine. I'll just take the subway. She walked to the station totally miserable.
- [57:27]
Elna Baker
Like, Then it really hits me that I have stolen this man's sheets. How do you come back from that? How do you. Yeah, how are you not the weird girl who, like, took his bed sheets?
- [57:39]
Diane Wu
Yeah.
- [57:40]
Elna Baker
So then I'm so inside myself, and I hear this voice being like, ma'am. Excuse me, ma'am. And I look up, and in New York, they have this, like, station outside of subway entrances with this, like, folding table. And the NYPD stands behind, and it's a random bag search.
- [58:02]
Neil Drumming
No.
- [58:04]
Diane Wu
And here, Jillian does what any sensible leading lady would do when confronted by law enforcement.
- [58:10]
Elna Baker
I pretend I don't hear them. And I try to, like, exit the subway station. Like a brisk, like, run walk. And nothing looks more suspicious than trying to avoid a random bag search.
- [58:21]
Diane Wu
In short.
- [58:23]
Elna Baker
Yeah. Oh.
- [58:25]
Diane Wu
The officer catches up to Jillian, unzips her backpack and pulls out the sheets, which are covered in blood.
- [58:31]
Elna Baker
I remember him like, and the subway has such distinct lighting. Like, I just remember him holding up these sheets, my menstrual sheets of shame. Like, menstrual sheets of doom. I realized that they didn't look like menstrual sheets of doom. They looked like murder sheets of doom. He asked me to explain it, and I just start crying. I can barely get the words out of just like, trying to explain to him like, it's my period on those sheets. And I stole the sheets from the guy that I was with. And I know that that's wrong. Like, I know that the actual theft of the sheets is wrong. And I promised the officer that I would return them, but I just needed to wash them first.
- [59:16]
Diane Wu
The police officer looks Jillian up and down, asks for her id and points her to go stand in a little box taped on the floor by the wall. She watches him walk over to his partner and have a very serious looking conversation. The sheets stay crumpled up on the plastic folding table.
- [59:31]
Elna Baker
He comes back and he gives me an ultimatum. So we can go down to the precinct and they can file a report. And they've got to keep his sheets just in case it's evidence, you know, and they're gonna ask me a bunch of questions and follow up. Or I can take him back to the apartment, the apartment that I just came from, and have my partner corroborate my story. Oh, God. Like, and I had to think about it. Like, I honestly. Like, I honestly gave it a really solid good thing. There was a huge part of me that would rather go to the police station than have to go back and show Jeffrey these. Not only show him these sheets, but also bring the police there. But, you know, my common sense caught up with me of, like, this looks like I've done something very wrong.
- [60:20]
Diane Wu
They make the long walk to Jeffrey's apartment. Silently. They get to the doorstep and buzz, wait for Jeffrey to walk down five flights of stairs. When he gets there, the police officer does all the talking. Good evening. Do you know this woman? Jeffrey says he does that. They'd just been hanging out. Then the cop reaches into Gillian's backpack and pulls out the sheets. Do you know what these are? Jeffrey says, those are my sheets. The police officer asks, can you identify the substance on these sheets.
- [60:54]
Elna Baker
And I just remember being fascinated because without hesitating and almost like in this, like, strong, he just says, menstrual fluid, which is like, you know, I would call my period anything other than what it actually was. So for him to, like, look a police officer right in the eyes and just say very confidently, menstrual fluid. It was just. It sounded so scientific and very grown up.
- [61:27]
Diane Wu
The cops having fulfilled their narrative purpose and successfully reunited our couple, leave.
- [61:33]
Elna Baker
And then I'm alone with Jeffrey. I'm trying to apologize to him, namely for stealing his sheets, but also just for. Just for everything, for bringing the police back to his house.
- [61:47]
Diane Wu
Gillian remembers sobbing through all of this. She's mortified. All of a sudden, Jeffrey stops her and says this thing that still hits Gillian in a soft spot.
- [61:57]
Elna Baker
He told me, I just remember him looking at me and he's like, you're so strange. He's wonderfully strange. Everything that you could possibly think of going wrong went wrong. And it all still turned out okay. He still liked me no matter what.
- [62:22]
Diane Wu
This is, like my favorite moment in any rom com. It's a scene in 10 Things I Hate about yout, when Julia Stiles reads her poem to Heath Ledger in front of the entire class. It's Jack Nicholson and as Good as it Gets, telling Helen Hunt how he just can't believe she runs into strangers all day long and they don't know that they just met the greatest woman alive. And of course, it's Mark D'Arcy at the bottom of the stairs telling Bridget Jones, I like you very much, just as you are. To me, the whole point of rom coms is to set up that line. It's what we all want to hear and say to the people we love most. But real life doesn't guarantee a plotline that pushes us to say it.
- [63:09]
Neil Drumming
Diane Wu. She's one of the producers of our show. Gillian and Jeffrey dated for a few months, and then they broke it off when real life, new jobs, her expired visa from Canada got in the way. She says she's glad it ended before anything bad happened. Keeps the memory sweet, just like a movie these days. Gillian Welch is an actor, writer, and comedian in Toronto. A version of this story first aired on the Risk Podcast.
- [63:33]
Jillian
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
- [63:37]
Elna Baker
Cha la la la la.
- [63:52]
Neil Drumming
Well, programs produced today by Neil Drumming and Diane Wu. The people who put our show together includes Elna Baker, Elise Bergerson, Ben Calhoun, Dana Chivas, Sean Cole, Whitney Dangerfield, Aviva de Kornfeld, Stephanie Fu, Damian Grave, Kimberly Henderson, Khanajapi, Walt David Kestenbaum, Seth Lind, Alvin Melloth, B.A. parker, Ben Phelan, Robin Semion, Alyssa Shipp, Christopher Sotalam, Julie Whitaker, senior producer for today's show Brian Reed, managing editor Susan Burton Help on today's rerun from Michael Comite, Catherine Raimondo, Stone Nelson and Angela Gervasi. Thanks to the podcast 2 Dope Queens for the recording of Michelle Bouteau performing on stage. Also thanks to Linda Obse, Guinevere Turner, Jeffrey Barnes, Paul Fitch, Ron Funches, Aisha Harris, the folks at Mikey's Burger and and the Alamo Drafthouse in Yonkers. Neil Drumming, who you heard earlier talking about When Harry Met Sally and who produced this episode, is no longer working at our show and he has released an album where he raps. And the thing that I love about it is that Neil's real life personality is all right there. It is funny and self critical and contemplative and definitely has a bit of romantic comedy there. It is called Writing on Airplanes. Available on most streaming platforms. Our website thisamericanlife.org, this American Life is delivered to public radio stations by prx, the Public Radio Exchange. Thanks as always to our program's co founder, Mr. Tory Malatee. You know he and I were reminiscing about that taxi ride we had years ago in England with Margaret Thatcher and.
- [65:15]
Elna Baker
I think that's probably the first time I've ever made out with anybody in the back of a cab.
- [65:19]
Neil Drumming
I'm Eric Glass. Back next week, the more stories of this American Life.
- [65:23]
Jillian
I am a non specific media professional and you're engaged to someone you don't love. Someone you don't love, someone you don't love.
- [65:50]
Ira Glass
Support for this American Life comes from Charles Schwab with their original podcast Choiceology hosted by Katie Milkman, an award winning behavioral scientist and author of the best selling book how to Change. Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind people's decisions. Hear true stories from Nobel laureates, historians, authors, athletes and more about why people do the things they do. Download the latest episode and subscribe at schwab. Com Podcast or wherever you listen.