861: Group Chat

Summary

This American Life - Episode 861: Group Chat
Release Date: June 1, 2025
Host: Chana Jaffi Walt (sitting in for Ira Glass)

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Introduction

In Episode 861 of This American Life, titled "Group Chat," listeners are introduced to the intricate dynamics of a Palestinian family navigating the harrowing realities of war through a persistent WhatsApp group chat. The episode delves into the emotional and logistical challenges faced by families separated by conflict, highlighting personal stories that underscore resilience, fear, and the struggle to maintain familial bonds under extreme conditions.

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Act 1: The Family Group Chat

Setting the Scene

The episode opens with Chana Jaffi Walt introducing the family group chat initiated by Yousef Hamash on May 19, 2023. Two years before the outbreak of intense hostilities, Yousef created a space for his family members—Aseel, Salsabeel, and Heba—to stay connected. However, the onset of war dramatically transformed the purpose and tone of their interactions.

Yousef’s Departure and Increased Responsibilities

Yousef, a humanitarian aid worker based in Gaza, was forced to leave the conflict zone amidst escalating violence. Accompanied by his wife, mother, and children, he relocated to Egypt, leaving his sisters behind in Gaza. This separation intensified his role as the primary support for his family still in the war-torn region.

Yousef Hamash [03:17]: "Yes, I don't know. Daily life, complaining or making fun, sending. I don't know. Sometimes it's jokes, sometimes they're crying. It depends."

The Struggle for Basic Necessities

As the war prolonged, the group's conversations increasingly centered around survival—securing food, dealing with shortages, and the constant threat of bombings. The sisters in Gaza relied heavily on Yousef for financial support and problem-solving, even as resources became scarce and money lost its effectiveness due to rationing and inflated prices.

Yousef Hamash [05:21]: "Even your money doesn't help you."

Emotional Toll and Communication Barriers

The emotional strain became palpable as Yousef grappled with feelings of helplessness, unable to physically aid his family. The once vibrant and supportive conversations grew tense, with Aseel feeling guilty for burdening Yousef and the sisters becoming more self-reliant yet still dependent on his support.

Yousef Hamash [06:54]: "It's useless anymore. Just even saying them became like something stupid."

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Act 2: Reporting from Gaza

Mohammad Mahawish’s Perspective

Transitioning to Act 2, Chana introduces Mohammad Mahawish, a reporter who left Gaza a year prior, mirroring Yousef’s departure. Mohammad continues to document the dire conditions in Gaza, providing firsthand accounts of the devastating food shortages and the psychological impact on its residents.

The Severity of Food Shortages

Mahawish shares harrowing stories of families rationing food to the barest minimum. The blockade has exacerbated the scarcity of essential supplies, driving prices to unimaginable heights and forcing residents to adopt desperate measures to survive.

Abdel Hakim Abu Rayas [43:01]: "We make a moment. I talked to a son in charge of searching for food for his whole family, who told me we boil herbs to trick our bodies into thinking we're full."

Personal Stories of Survival and Loss

The episode features poignant narratives from individuals like Huda, a diligent student who battles hunger while striving to continue her education amidst the chaos. Dreams of becoming a teacher or journalist become distant as immediate survival takes precedence.

Hadil [44:48]: "Before the war, Huda was the kind of person who liked to take pictures of what she was eating... now she scrolls through those pictures to feel somewhat satiated."

Community and Resilience

Despite the overwhelming adversity, the resilience of Gaza’s residents shines through. From collaboration in salvaging limited food resources to maintaining a semblance of normalcy through education and small businesses, the community's strength is evident.

Manal [50:57]: "When I study, I have my notebooks which are really close to my heart and I can't let them give up."

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Emotional and Psychological Impact

Aseel’s Inner Conflict

Aseel, Yousef’s youngest sister, embodies the emotional turmoil experienced by those left behind. Her internal struggle between blaming Yousef for his departure and recognizing his limitations highlights the complex emotions during wartime separations.

Aseel [18:29]: "Whenever something happens that upsets me, I blame him for not being here. I don't say that to him, but internally I blame him."

Yousef’s Guilt and Helplessness

Yousef's constant reassurance and attempts to support his family contrast with his growing sense of inadequacy. His inability to provide tangible help in the face of relentless adversity amplifies his emotional burden.

Yousef Hamash [19:07]: "Whenever I have a call with any of them."

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Climactic Turning Point

Escalation of Conflict

The fragile ceasefire announced in January 2025 offers a brief respite, allowing some family members to attempt rebuilding. However, the resurgence of violence in March shatters any sense of security, plunging Aseel and the family back into crisis.

Aseel’s Return to North Gaza

Defying Yousef’s wishes, Aseel relocates to her damaged home in Jabalia, demonstrating her unwavering connection to her roots despite the perilous circumstances.

Aseel [23:35]: "I want to fix up my place and live in it. I want to have my inner calm back."

Final Moments and Unanswered Questions

The episode culminates in a night of intense bombing, where Aseel fears for her life. After a prolonged silence, the family receives relief at her survival, yet the psychological scars remain.

Aseel [34:09]: "I can't see a thing. I hope they don't bomb again."

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Bunyas: A Symbol of Resilience

Childhood Amidst Chaos

Concluding with the story of Bunyas, a nine-year-old girl in central Gaza, the episode underscores the innocence of childhood disrupted by relentless conflict. Her playful spirit and imaginative coping mechanisms exemplify the resilience of Gaza’s youth.

Bunyas [58:08]: "I'm the king of the garden. I'm the queen of the garden."

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Conclusion

Group Chat poignantly captures the enduring spirit of a family torn apart by war, illustrating the profound personal impacts of geopolitical conflicts. Through intimate conversations and personal testimonies, the episode sheds light on the broader humanitarian crises unfolding in Gaza, offering listeners a deeply human perspective on resilience, loss, and the unbreakable bonds of family.

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Notable Quotes:

• Yousef Hamash [05:21]: "Even your money doesn't help you."
• Yousef Hamash [06:54]: "It's useless anymore. Just even saying them became like something stupid."
• Aseel [18:29]: "Whenever something happens that upsets me, I blame him for not being here."
• Bunyas [58:08]: "I'm the king of the garden. I'm the queen of the garden."

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Production Credits:

This episode was produced by Lily Sullivan, with editing by Nancy Updike. Special thanks to Hani Hwasli, Laura Elbas, Rania Mustafa, and others for their contributions. Voiceover for Aseel was performed by Tara Abboud. For more information, visit thisamericanlife.org.

Transcript

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

This message comes from Capella University. The right support can make a difference. That's why at Capella University, learning online doesn't mean learning alone. You'll get support from people who care about your success and are there for you every step of the way. Whether you're working on a bachelor's, master's, or doctoral degree, you can learn confidently, knowing you'll get the dedicated help you need. A different future is closer than you think with Capella University Learning. Learn more at Capella.

[Ira Glass]

Edu A quick warning. There are curse words that are unbeeped in today's episode of the show. If you prefer a beeped version, you can find that at our website, thisamericanlife.org.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

From WBEZ Chicago, it's this American Life. I'm Chana Joffi Walt, sitting in for Ira Glass. Family Group chat created May 19, 2023 two years ago before Yusuf Hamash. Send this link to Aseel, Salsabeel and Heba so they can enter the group. We are all gathered together. What a blessing. Heart emoji. I don't have Hasan or Ahmed. Yusuf must add them. I sent the link above you idiots, so you can send it to them. Yusuf Reshares link Send them the link. I sent it. Manao, we want to go out tomorrow to the beach. Okay. Why is the group called the Shitty Family? Yeah, who's the son of a gun who names a group laughing emoji? Please. Isn't this Yusuf's doing? It's Yusuf. I did it for your sake, sister. God bless you. Pride of the Arabs. Manal wants to invite us to the beach. Hadil, I want to take you to the beach. When we're thinking either tomorrow or Monday, I will let my children go. But what day? We're thinking Monday. We need a watermelon. That's the most important thing. You're making conditions as well. The watermelon is more important than you. I'm being mocked. Yusuf. Whoever wants to go with us like this message, I will set up a time later. Where to the beach. But what day tomorrow? Clown face. Yousef, who started this group chat for his family. He's been on our show before. Yousef Hamash, he was a humanitarian aid worker in Gaza. Grew up there, lived there his whole life. He started this group chat with his family months before the war, before October 7th when Hamas attacked southern Israel. After that, Yousef became responsible for moving his whole family, his four sisters, their extended families, from one place to another, trying to escape Israel's bombing. After six months of displacement and near death experiences and worrying for his children. Yousef did something he thought he'd never do. He left Gaza. This was last spring. He went with his wife, mother and his kids to Egypt. His sisters decided to stay behind. And since that time, almost no one has been able to leave Gaza. That was a little more than a year ago. The group chat is still going. What are they talking about in the WhatsApp group?

[Yusuf Hamash]

Yeah, I don't know. Daily life, Complaining or making fun, Sending. I don't know. Sometimes it's jokes, sometimes they're crying. It depends. Voice, text, photos, everything. Just like this is like the refuge for them, where they go and more. The sisters are talking and my mother. And we just observe.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

We meaning the people who are outside Gaza now. Yusuf, his wife, his kids and his mom inside Gaza. The sisters make plans, talk about who they ran into that day, share pictures of their kids, of bombings. They send voice memos to each other to share news and cheer each other up.

[Aseel]

Hadil, my sister is feeling down. Come ya Hadil, let's go out. Let's go somewhere. I'm buying. I have Ahmad's money. My sister is feeling low, so let's.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Do something fun in a year. Plus, since Yousef has left, the sisters have all moved again. They're not all together anymore and they keep moving. They've survived airstrikes, illnesses, months with no food at all coming in. And they keep checking in here. In the chat, Yusuf, the problem solver in the family, the don't worry, I'll take care of it guy, he keeps trying to figure out how to solve the same problems over and over. When his sister Aseel texts, if I clean, I get dizzy. If I cook, I get dizzy. There's no edible food. It's worse than you can imagine. Yousef replies, buy anything? Don't worry about me, love, all is okay. Then they go back and forth. One kilo of rice is 35. No problem, I'll pay. A kilo of flour is 50. Whatever the price, the issue is not the price, it's the cash. I don't know what one can do. The situation has become very bad. The problem is I can't do anything.

[Yusuf Hamash]

Even your money doesn't help you.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

You can't find food even if you have money.

[Yusuf Hamash]

Exactly. If it's available, it's very, very expensive. But mostly you cannot find it.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

What's it like for you to talk to a seal?

[Yusuf Hamash]

Yeah, I was talking to her today, but it's just. Actually I feel useless. Her daughter is crying, which a Year old crying because there is no bread, there is nothing she can feed. Even all what I can do being outside and all what I can do is send money or just secure money. But it's not enough anymore.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yusuf spent the first six months of the war experiencing everything his family is experiencing together. And when he left, it felt inconceivable that it could go on this way, this much longer. But it has. His phone keeps getting new messages and he keeps reassuring and responding and arranging and trying to provide comfort. And then these last few weeks, being unable anymore even with all his skills and connections to get money, cash into his sister's hands. Hearing how their children are not eating, something changed for Yousef. He felt literally dumbstruck.

[Yusuf Hamash]

Even words are not helpful anymore because they are finished. I used all the words and I think if I need to start to find other languages, but I keep it, hopefully it's gonna be fine. It's gonna be a matter of days, hopefully. You know, all what I can do is just to be supportive.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Do you still say those things?

[Yusuf Hamash]

It's useless anymore. Just even saying them became like something stupid. Like I didn't know what to say, to be honest. I do. And, and okay, in Arabic language we have okay, we're God against them. All these words became useless. Even these words that we were using all of our life to calm each other became meaningless because even using it became unfair. It's really painful when you communicate with anyone from Gaza. It's really, really painful.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Does it make you want to avoid it?

[Yusuf Hamash]

100%?

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yeah.

[Yusuf Hamash]

Otherwise I wouldn't stay saint. I would lose my mind.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Leaving Gaza made Yusuf the newest member of a well established club. There are about 5 million Palestinians living inside the west bank in Gaza. And the rest, about 9 million Palestinians live all over the world. People who are trying to maintain family and connections across countries and time zones and bad cell connections. Today's show is about those conversations inside one family and between friends, colleagues. Yousef's family agreed to share all the messages they sent back and forth to each other over years. We got them translated. All the late night musings and updates and petty resentments and serious resentments and jokes and plans and fears. Intimate moments where you can see how these conversations and relationships change over time. How do you keep being a family? And we hear from other people on the outside and others inside, figuring out what to say and what to keep secret. Stay with us foreign.

[Hadil]

For this American life. And the following message come from Data iq AI can be a kind of raw power, take control of AI with Data iq, the universal AI platform. It's built for business teams and AI experts alike. Designed for trust and engineered to scale to fit your tech stack today and tomorrow from analytics models and agents make AI flow through your enterprise. Don't just keep up with AI, control it with Data IQ, the universal AI platform. Find out [e-mail] ThisAmericanLive this message comes.

[Heba]

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[Chana Jaffi Walt]

This American Life Act 1 I'm fine, don't worry. Within any family, there's the group chat and there's the side chat. The person Yousef is always checking in with most is his youngest sister in Gaza. Aseel June 2024 yousef to Aseel yo my sister, please confirm you're well. Aseel, I feel like I haven't seen you since the last century. The thing Yousef says more than anything else in these chats is please confirm you're well. The thing Asil says most I'm fine, don't worry. Yusuf says Asil is the one in the family who's most like him. Practical, can do, unfazed. Also stubborn. Aseel is 10 years younger than Yousef. She's a nurse. She wants to know things and do things.

[Yusuf Hamash]

He's young, but he's expert. Usually Aseel is the most between my sister, I look to Aseel as the most wise.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

She looks to him the same way. She trusts him. When Aseel was trying to figure out the safest place to give birth to her first child in a war zone, the person she planned it out with was Yousef. When she needs advice on anything, Yusuf in the beginning of their WhatsApp chat after he left Gaza, you can see Youssef trying to set the terms of their new situation. His point over and over, the important things have not changed. I'll call every day. Anything you need, I'm here. Yousef. If you want anything, whatever it is, do not hesitate. Asil jokes. After all, everything is cheap. Yusuf Live and spend. My dear brother, I swear I want nothing but to see you, I swear, I don't need anything. This is my duty, my sister. Just take care of yourself. Aseel responds with a voice memo. Her and her baby Sila. 24 hours later, Yousef, seemingly concerned that he didn't get his point across, writes, the most important thing is that you do not lack anything. Buy whatever you want. Relationships shift all the time, sometimes suddenly. But the long, slow changes, they can be just as dramatic. Yusuf and Aseel lived within walking distance their whole lives. They saw each other in person all the time. They shared life, a landscape. And right away, within a week of leaving Gaza, Yusuf realized how much information he gathered just by being there. Seeing Asil face to face, seeing what she needed when he wasn't there, he understood. Oh, Aseel isn't great at asking for things. It's something I really like about her, how decent she is.

[Yusuf Hamash]

And she will never ask anything. But at the same time, I'm not there to understand the needs anymore. And my other sister called me.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

She lost her phone and she's like.

[Manal]

Okay, buy me a phone.

[Hadil]

Send it with Danny wants to Gaza.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yeah, okay, Father, I'll do it.

[Manal]

And he will never do that.

[Yusuf Hamash]

And that's my issue with her.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

So every time a seal says, I'm fine, Yusuf has to guess what he can do to help. Four months after he left Gaza, Yusuf was reading and hearing about bombing. Increasingly, the bombing was where she was living. The other sisters were moving. Yousef figured Asil would too, and made a plan for her to move to a safer area called Al Mawasi, just like he always did. He would pay for it, of course. Yusuf to Aseel. There's a furnished apartment in this project. 1,000 per month. Oh, my God. It's a lot. I don't know if the war will go on longer or not. The amount of money is a lot. Call her. You will love it. Have you seen the apartment? It's a good place. It's forbidden to be extravagant. I didn't go. No. Four hours later it's really nice, honestly. But it's expensive. Is it a suitable place? I'm fine now. If there's an evacuation, I will leave. She did not move to the apartment. Money was becoming an issue between them in a new way. Yousef had always supported a lot of people in the family, but after he left Gaza, he started doing it through a seal. She'd tell Yusuf who among their family and friends in Gaza needed help. Here's how much, here's a list. He'd coordinate with her to get the money to them. A seal to Yusuf. Everyone thinks I'm the Finance Ministry. Yusuf let them think that this meant. Now Asil knew how much money Yusuf was giving out, how many people he was supporting in Gaza. Not to mention trying to find a place for his family on the outside. Asil didn't want to add to the burden. Asil, don't worry about me, love. You're going to have travel expenses and expenses that will destroy even mountains. Don't send me money until you guys get settled and organize your matters. Yousef, don't worry. Your brother is strong as a whale. As the months passed, Asil continued to lean on Yusuf for some things. But she also quietly started trying to manage more things on her own. In August, a few months after Yousef left, Aseel's baby was suffering from a terrible rash. She couldn't figure out how to treat it. She couldn't find the cream she needed. Aseel sent me pictures to see if I had any ideas. But she didn't tell Yusuf, even though Yousef knows all sorts of medical people in Gaza.

[Aseel]

No, but it's just one thing that I'm hiding now. There's a new disease that has spread, targeting children. Which is, I don't know, an allergy. It's a skin rash or something like that. So I don't know how to treat her. And every time I use something, it spreads even more.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Why wouldn't you tell him about the skin problem?

[Aseel]

Because he would be upset. In reality, they're not here, so he won't know what to do. He'll feel like it's his dereliction of duty, like he could have done something. I don't want him to feel that way.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

But couldn't Yusuf help you get access to the medicine?

[Aseel]

Oh, yes, but he'll send his friends to look. And in reality, I looked a lot and I couldn't find anything. So I don't know what the solution is. I don't want them to be worried over there because I can solve this. As long as I can solve this, there's no need to let them worry and no need to tell them.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Keeping things from each other. This became a bigger part of their relationship. Yusuf was traveling around Egypt, England, trying to get asylum somewhere in the world. He told Asil about some of it and he edited out stuff that would be too sharp a contrast to Asil's life. He'd share a selfie from the train, but he would not tell her about taking the kids to see the pyramids. The Nile. He'd gleefully tell her he's near where David Beckham lives. But he wouldn't mention the restaurant he went to that day. Aseel knew he was keeping stuff from her. And in the text, she's constantly nudging him to send her pictures and updates. And when he does share something, she responds quickly with hearts and says things like, I am happy just seeing your pictures. It's amazing, bro. Yousef sends a picture of himself on a bike in London. Wow. Smiley face. It's amazing. And an athlete. Smiley face, heart. Another time, a selfie of Yusuf in Cairo. Aseel, advice for you. Smiley face heart. This haircut looks good on you. Aseel had pushed Yusuf to leave Gaza. She considered going with him, but the cost was enormous, more than Yousef could cover. And she didn't want to leave her in laws and extended family behind in Gaza. She's genuinely very happy for Yusuf. But there's also a new, unfamiliar feeling.

[Aseel]

Whenever something happens that upsets me, I blame him for not being here. I don't say that to him, but internally I blame him. You were not supposed to leave. You were supposed to stay here. It's like a psychological war between me and myself.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yusuf knows it without her saying it, because he feels it too.

[Yusuf Hamash]

I always keep saying I should have taken my sisters out with me. I shouldn't listen to any objection. Despite that, they couldn't do it. They had their children. I should have tried more at least.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

How often are you thinking about that, Yusuf?

[Yusuf Hamash]

Whenever I have a call with any of them.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Every time you talk to them, whenever.

[Yusuf Hamash]

Something happened, the first thing that came to my head, I should have taken everyone.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

One of the reasons Aseel didn't leave Gaza with Yusuf is she thought the war would end soon. Another reason? She wanted to go home, to the north, where her house is in Jabalia. She wanted to raise her daughter at home. She thought about it every day. She was waiting and waiting for the Israeli military to allow residents of the north to return. These months and months of text messages really convey just how long she was stuck. You can see Asil getting ground down over time. There's no electricity, no clean water. She keeps getting sick. There's bombings and drones and just uncertainty. Endless uncertainty. September 2024. A seal. Oh, by God, we are tired. I wish I had listened to you and gone with you. October, officially, I swear to God that I cannot bear the situation at all. Selah has malnutrition. Oh, my God. What did the doctor tell you? She told Me. She has malnutrition and she's very underweight and needs vitamins. I don't know what to feed her. I didn't feed her canned food because I was afraid she gets sick. Today is the first time I regret giving birth. Yusuf. May God help you, sister. January 2025 voice memo from a seal to the group chat Happy New Year.

[Aseel]

Oh, I forgot to say Happy New Year. I hope that next year. No, no, this year. Yes, this year we see you all. I hope you'll be looking forward to seeing us and we'll be looking forward to seeing you. And Happy New Year.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

That's it then. January 15, some news. Hamash family group chat Aseel, the president of Qatar wants to announce a ceasefire soon. Oh God. Get excited, guys. The war is over. It's a truce. It's a truce. It's over. Oh God. A truce. Thank God. The moment Israel and Hamas agreed to a ceasefire last January, Asil began planning her return to the north, to her house. It was time. The thing she'd been waiting for. But Yusuf was against it. Yusuf to Asil in my opinion, sister, you should stay where you are. It's early. My sister and I hear strange things in the north, but I'm tired. How long will we continue like this, Yusuf? One by one, everything will be solved. But man, the house is important, Yusuf. Leave it to me. The war just stopped yesterday. Their other sisters were fine to wait and see. But Asil kept pressing to go north. Yusuf had access to satellite images and his assessment was if Aseel went north, she'd find that she had no house anymore.

[Yusuf Hamash]

I don't think any house in that area is still standing. I'm trying not to be negative with everyone's like, no, everything is livid, but I know it's not there.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

So you know for sure the area.

[Yusuf Hamash]

Where they live, it's not far from Kemal Edwan Hospital in the northern part of Gaza. And then recently, this military campaign was mainly in that area. All of that area was livid. And honestly, for the northern part of Gaza, where I am from and all my relatives, it's impossible that anyhow still standing there.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yusuf and Asil's texts about this went on for weeks. Their back and forth reads like Yusuf is still that older brother who's in control. But one of the things Asil is not telling him, she and her husband Ahmed have already begun moving their things north. Yusuf thinks he's still in a position to grant permission. Asil tells him it's already done. Yusuf to Asil, you can go for two days and try it, but try not to move your things. Aseel Ahmed transferred 90% of them. Smiley face. She was already there.

[Aseel]

I came back because I know I belong to this place. I wanted to come back. I want to fix up my place and live in it. I want to have my inner calm back.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Is there anything there?

[Aseel]

The house was blown out and there were no walls. There were only the support pillars, the ceiling, and the floors. That's what was left. So I had to make a wall out of tarp. I covered the entire house with tarp. And I'm trying to adapt.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

What is around you. Are there buildings and is there anything there?

[Aseel]

I still have a bit of a roof over my head, but my neighbors next door set up a tent on top of the rubble of their house. And it's the same with the neighbors all the way down the street. Those whose houses are still standing, they fixed them and they live in them now. Others set up tents on the rubble of their homes.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

What did Yusuf think of you moving back to Jabalya?

[Aseel]

Yusuf didn't know I was moving back. He only knew I was coming to check on the place and belongings and then go back south. But then I moved back and let him deal with my decision. I shocked him with that. He didn't approve of me going back north.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Okay, and what did he say when he found out you were staying?

[Aseel]

He told me to wait a bit, take more time, be careful with my decision, and blah, blah, blah. I told him, no, I'm going to stay for a bit. I feel that I belong to this place and I need to stay here.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yusuf saw that Asil was not alone in this decision. As soon as people were allowed back, 376,000 Palestinians returned to their homes in the north. And they returned to places with no roads or schools or hospitals or clean water and to homes that were damaged and destroyed. But they still went back. After weeks of pushing back, Yusuf got was easy to urge patients from the outside, but it was hard in the south, where they'd been forced to live for more than a year. Towns in the south were overwhelmed by displaced people from the north. There was tension between people from the north and south. There was months and months of displacement. People were tired, degraded. It was better to be in a tent where your home was than in a tent in Rafah or Khan Younis. Now that she was home, Aseel began trying to live, not just survive. Her husband Ahmed set up a solar panel and started a phone charging station. A Small business. Aseel found a job with an NGO doing data entry. Yousef hadn't wanted her to work. He thought going outside was unsafe. But Aseel wanted to have money of her own. Yousef told me despite his objections, he was proud seeing what Aseel had created. For two months. The ceasefire held March 18 Hamash Family Group chat the war is back. Damn. God is sufficient for me and he is the best Disposer of Affairs. 2:39am, Youssef writes Call Aseel. I can't get through. 7 hours later Aseel, I'm fine, don't worry. Now that she was back north and the war was back on, all the little ways Asil had been gathering herself over the last year, making her own decisions, working for her own money, relying mostly on herself, became essential for her survival. It's like she anticipated a time when, even with love and support from the outside, she was going to need to be entirely self sufficient. That time was now. When Israel violated the ceasefire in March. It launched one of the deadliest days of the war. 400 people killed in a single day in the north and also throughout the Gaza Strip. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said this is only the beginning. Israel barred all food aid and any other supplies from coming into the territory. A complete ban that would end up lasting more than two months. What are you eating?

[Aseel]

What's available is rice, lentils, tuna, sardines and other canned food. For food, there's no flour. I ran out of flour a while ago. The flour in the market was not good for consumption because it was mixed with plaster by the sellers. May God guide them. There's a bombed house next to us and there was flour under the rubble.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

You dug through the rubble of your neighbor's house?

[Aseel]

Yes, that's correct. We were confident there was flour because our neighbor told us there was flour in his home. He also told us that if we could get it, we should eat it.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Wow.

[Aseel]

We collaborated with the neighbors and got it out. I don't know if you can imagine it, but it used to be a five story building and now it's only half a story. The whole situation was like a drowning person who's clutching at a straw. We all hoped that we could get the flour out. They didn't get all of it out. I think they got about two bags and everyone ended up with a small bag. We took some of the flour and sifted it twice and ate it. There was sand and plaster in it, but we made it work.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

The flower lasted two days asil stopped working. She tried not to go out more than she needed to. There were evacuation orders for areas in the north in April, again in May, but also orders in the south and some in the middle area of Gaza. And threats of a new Israeli ground invasion in the north, and bombs. Aseel was coming back from visiting an injured relative in the hospital. She was almost home and there was an explosion right where the car was going to drop her off. This was two weeks ago.

[Aseel]

I couldn't understand what was happening. I didn't know where to go. Suddenly, children appeared and they were covered in blood. People were running, carrying martyrs. It was very bizarre, to be honest. They were carrying the martyr on a donkey cart, but there was no donkey. People were pulling it. And I said to myself, look at what we've become, what brought us to this life. I don't want to evacuate. I don't want to leave. I feel comfortable where I am, and if I left, I'd be anxious all the time. It's better for me to stay in my house and maintain my dignity, and that's it.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

How long will you stay there?

[Aseel]

I don't want to leave, but if they bombed somewhere near me, that's when I would leave.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Didn't that happen today? They bombed somewhere close to where you are.

[Aseel]

I meant something closer. Today's bombing was close, but there was still a street between us.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

So they would have to bomb the street you are living on for you to leave?

[Aseel]

No. God forbid. No, no, no.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Are your sisters or Yousef or other people trying to convince you to leave?

[Aseel]

Yes. He wasn't convinced. But I'm doing what I want. What's in the news is not like what's on the ground. They exaggerate in the news. I tell them the situation where I live still allows me to wait a bit longer in my house. They should listen to me and be patient.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Did you tell Yusuf you were going? Will you tell him about what happened today? Not yet.

[Aseel]

Not yet. I will tell him. He'd be pretty mad. Most probably. He won't be happy that I got out during this dangerous situation. He would tell me to not leave home in the first place or to go stay with my sisters. I've been telling him since yesterday that the situation where I am is good.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

You can see in the chat when Aseel does tell him and she's right, he pleads with her to leave, to go to her sisters who are sheltering in Gaza City. But she doesn't want to leave. In her home, she managed to collect bedding some furniture, a small generator, toys for the baby. The beginnings of something livable. If they leave, everything could be gone when they get back. And Asil tells Yusuf, Nowhere is safe. May 15, 2:25pm Aseel, I'm fine, my love. Don't worry. God is sufficient for us. And he is the best disposer of affairs, my sister. By midnight that night, more bombs. Hamash family group chat can someone check on a seal? Banal Yousef is talking to her.

[Yusuf Hamash]

I don't know. She was refusing to leave yesterday and then became nigh. Then, okay. It wasn't safe to move, so I said, okay, let's see, until tomorrow then. And then I think changed.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

1:39Am Youssef, please confirm your well. Aseel, thank God for everything.

[Yusuf Hamash]

We're chatting, texting each other.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

1:59Am Yusuf, may God keep you safe, my dear. Aseel, thank God. I'm fine, don't worry.

[Yusuf Hamash]

Last message at 2am Inshaallah. Everything's fine and we'll meet soon. Just like, you know, changing nice messages. Then at 3:15, she texts me, I cannot breathe, I cannot see anything. And she sends this video.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

In the video, the camera is pointed at what looks like a pile of rubble, but it's hard to see because it's dark and they're surrounded by a cloud of dust and debris. In the upper corner of the video, there's a piece of drywall, maybe a fallen ceiling. A seal is saying, I can't see a thing. Calling for her husband, Ahmed. Someone says, ahmed is there. He's there. Aseel says, I hope they don't bomb again.

[Aseel]

Ahmed, Ahmad.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

And then I panic.

[Yusuf Hamash]

And it kept calling. No phone calls, waking up Hiba and Hadil trying to call there or call Allah so we can call her husband. She texted. 3:18am they bombed the house next to my house. It's full of dead bodies. Most of the house collapsed. Everything collapsed on us. Pray for us. And she asked, pray for us that this night pass. And then she didn't respond.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yeah, I got messages from Asil that night too. She wrote, I hope to stay alive until the morning. This is the hardest night since the beginning of the war. I'm so scared. And she wrote, I feel like I won't meet my family again. Did she sound different to you than she has sounded at other scary moments?

[Yusuf Hamash]

Yeah, it's not the first time that they go through this. They go through it a lot. And she never reach out when she know that nothing I can do. I'm outside, especially at 3am that's quite serious. She always tried to spare me when this is. It was serious. She's not just scared. She was about to die.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

It took 11 hours before he heard anything. His other sister Hebba finally got through to Asil. They'd survived. Heba was hiring an ambulance to try to get Asil out. She wasn't injured. It was just the only way the family could figure out how to get to her. She's moving to Gaza City.

[Yusuf Hamash]

Yeah.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Wow.

[Yusuf Hamash]

One second. So my sister Hiba is texting me now saying that it was very hard to send the ambulance and he just agreed.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Hamash family group chat Yusuf to the group. A seal has arrived at the girl's house. Are you asking or telling? Yusuf? I'm telling you upside down face. Thank God she's safe. Thank God. May God keep them safe and well, God willing. And then 5.51pm, Aseel shows back up in the chat. Aseel, I'm fine, guys. But I'm devastated. I got a text too. I'm fine, she said, but my psyche is broken. A seal has not gone back since. 19 months is a long time. Long enough to move four times, to create a home out of nothing, to start a new business. Long enough for Aseel to be pregnant, enough to deliver her first baby, and for that baby to learn to roll over, crawl and walk long enough to feel certain that this cannot possibly go on any longer. The day after this terrible night, Aseel sent me one more text. I'm pregnant. I don't know if I should be worried or upset or happy. I don't know what to do. When Aseel and Yousef shared their messages, I started reading from the beginning and didn't stop for hours and hours until I was finished. Hundreds of pages and photos and videos later, after I was done, I kept scrolling back up to the beginning to how the story starts. Two years ago, a family planning a day at the beach. Make a cinnamon roll, Heba, and arrange it here. Hebba, I'm scared you'll ruin the cinnamon roll. You're good at baking cake. Bake a cake, Hadeel. Cinnamon roll is tasty. I'll make a cake and you won't eat it. Who told you we won't eat it? Okay, I'll make you a cake. Asil, do you want to bring the nuts? Bring the seeds and nuts. Shall I make you a crepe? No. Aseel, shall I make you some pastries? Come on, Aseel. Manal and I will work with you. Do you know how to make a cinnamon roll? It felt like a shock being in the presence of a family in this way. And the banality of a moment I understood, oh, this is what this family was. This is what was destroyed. Coming up, a refresher. How many pounds are in a kilo again? 2.2 pounds. And other memorable measurements. That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.

[Ira Glass]

Support for this American Life comes from Squarespace, their AI enhanced website builder. Blueprint AI can create a fully custom website in just a few steps, using basic information about your industry goals and personality to generate premium quality content and personalized design recommendations. And get paid on time with branded invoices and online payments. Plus, streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. Head to squarespace.comameran for 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

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[Ira Glass]

For this American Life comes from Squarespace, their AI enhanced website builder. Blueprint AI can create a fully customized custom website in just a few steps, using basic information about your industry goals and personality to generate premium quality content and personalized design recommendations. And get paid on time with branded invoices and online payments. Plus, streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. Head to squarespace.comamerican for 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

It's this American Life. I'm Chana Jaffe Walt, sitting in for Ira Glass. Today's show Group chat. We're hearing from Palestinians living outside the west bank and Gaza, checking in with people there. We've arrived at Act 2 of our program, Act 2, Week 11. Mohammad Mahawish left Gaza a year ago, around the same time as Yusuf, just before the border closed. Mohammad's a reporter. He's lived in Gaza his whole life and he spent the last year since he left continuing to report and talk to people back home. Some are people he knows, others he finds. Through his reporting he's been trying to document each phase of the current war. Last fall, the Messages and voice memos Muhammad was getting from people in Gaza were about evacuations, were about people figuring out where to move to be safe. In November and December, the messages were about the cold winter was coming. Now they've turned to food. Israel has imposed restrictions on food and supplies entering Gaza throughout the war. In March, they began a total blockade. No food was allowed in for 11 weeks. Israel said it was to pressure Hamas to release hostages. Now, just this week, Israel is allowing a trickle of food, but it's doing so through a brand new privately run system that's backed by Israel and the us. This new system now has only three food distribution sites running. There used to be hundreds. A UN official has said the new system cannot possibly meet Gaza's needs. The upshot, as of the moment, I'm saying this is there's still not enough food inside Gaza, especially in the north. Mohamed has been talking to people there. Here he is.

[Hadil]

A few weeks ago, I got a phone call from my friend Abdel Hakim Abu Rayas. He's in Gaza, in the north, he said. I can't explain the pain in my stomach, in my bones, in my head. I knew exactly what he meant. Right before I left Gaza a year ago, I was in the north of the Strip. There was a blockade then as well. No food or supplies. My son and I were both diagnosed with acute malnutrition. Now it's not just the north. All of Gaza is hungry. When I call people there now, all I hear are stories of hunger, the quiet and desperate tricks that people have come up with to survive. A father living in my old neighborhood, a Daraj, told me his family of five shared a single Snickers bar for lunch. We slice it like cake, he said. We make it a moment. I talked to a son in charge of searching for food for his whole family, who told me we boil herbs to trick our bodies into thinking we're full. We feed the children first, then wait to see if there is anything left. Most nights there isn't. Now I'm talking a lot to another person in the north. Odess cake. She's 20 years old. A few months ago, she messaged me out of the blue. She said she wanted to be a journalist. Asked me for advice on how to pitch to news outlets these days. I messaged her for updates. I called her on week 11 of the blockade. Week 11 of no food going into Gaza. We don't just talk about food. She has ambitions. I asked which journalists from Gaza she'd been reading lately.

[Manal]

So I read for. For Hindle Khudari, her reports. And also I read for Ahmad Ledremly, if you know him. Of course you know him.

[Hadil]

So you're not reading my work. Okay. Thank you.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Of course.

[Manal]

No, I swear. I swear I read for you.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Sorry.

[Manal]

I. I wrote some vocabularies and I will send you some photos after finishing this interview to show you what I'm reading for you.

[Hadil]

She did. Huda is a very serious student. She's studying English literature online through the Islamic University of Gaza. First in her class. She told me studying brings her peace. It was nighttime in Gaza when we talked. Nine hours since she'd last eaten.

[Manal]

And I bought a bottle of water here next to me. Every time I feel like hangry, I drink some and then I feel like, oh, I'm full. And I'm intending to drink a lot of water in the coming days in order to stay alive. This is the only way my stomach will be full a little bit. This is how I make myself patient with hungry.

[Hadil]

It's exam time right now. Huda has been putting her headphones on and studying late into the night. I was astonished by Huda's ability to stay focused. Nighttime is terrifying in Gaza. All we could hear was explosions and the sound of drones getting closer. But Huda just studies through it.

[Manal]

So when all of my siblings and my parents falling asleep, I study. So when I get hungry sometimes at night, you know what I do? I go to the kitchen and I eat a spoon of zaatar. So we have a jar of zaatar. Okay. So in order to not make my mom notice that I am eating from it, I go to the kitchen.

[Hadil]

So you sneak a bite in silence so that no one.

[Manal]

Exactly. Thank God that my parents don't know English. Okay. And sometimes I feel like I am guilty because it's for my siblings in the morning and oh my God. But I want to satisfy my hunger and I'm studying and I want to focus. And then after eating those two spoons, I drink like one or two cups of water in order to feel like I had dinner. You know, I yearn for eating so much cheese.

[Hadil]

Before the war, Huda was the kind of person who liked to take pictures of what she was eating, especially when she made it. These days when she gets hungry, she scrolls through those pictures. She said it helps her feel full just looking at them. She told me about a photo of Maqluba from 2022, a screenshot of a burger ad. She told me she zooms in and pretends she's picking the crispy bits off the chick. I wanted to have an idea if you've ever been to the market lately and what kinds of things that are still being sold.

[Manal]

Okay. So most of the market shelves are really scarce and are empty. You can see some canned food or even lentils, rice, soup, pasta. These are the items that are currently available, but in a very, very, very.

[Hadil]

Expensive prices, like almost $11 for a candy bar. A year ago, prices were high, but not this high. People still had stored food. There were still some farms. The market I used to shop at still had stock. There was snacks and there was green leaves. Some vegetables. Some green vegetables, yeah.

[Manal]

That are not available now. I. I hope they was available so I can make myself busy with them while studying.

[Hadil]

There was also. There was also some coffee. There was also some tea. There was some sugar that we could. We would use sometimes. Like with. We could. We can sweeten some water with sugar and we can drink. And so it could have some sort of a feeling of a sweet thing that could be enough for the body to feel full at some point somehow. Sugar, it's. Is it available? How much does it cost to get one kilo of sugar?

[Manal]

Let me ask my brother. How does it cost? $30.

[Hadil]

$30 for one kilo?

[Manal]

Yeah.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Oh my God.

[Hadil]

A kilo is a little over 2 pounds. Before the war, a kilo of sugar cost about 25 cents. 30 cents on the high end. When I was still in Gaza, a kilo of sugar was already outrageous. $16. And it was already hard to find. Now there's almost nothing. Farmland has been wiped out. Greenhouses turn to ash. It's not just the food that's gone. There is no fuel to cook what little might be left. Rice, lentils. There is no fuel to even boil water. There isn't any burning wood around you, right?

[Manal]

Yeah, there is no wood right now. We sometimes put some plastics, you know, or nylon or whatever we find, you know, in the street in order to fuel require.

[Hadil]

Yeah.

[Manal]

When I study, I have my notebooks which are really close to my heart and I can't let them give them up.

[Hadil]

Yeah.

[Manal]

Yeah. But I have another Babers. These are for my mom when she burn. When she burns the.

[Hadil]

When she cooks. Yeah.

[Manal]

Burn some of my. Our clothes and it's something like you. When. When we burn these things, you know, I feel like we are burning some of our memories. A huge number. A huge amount of our memories. I dreamed of my. My cousin that was killed in the first beginning of the war. Just two days ago, she was telling me that she was missing me and that she wants me to eat some food. She tells me that she feels like I am hangry.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

She.

[Manal]

She was cooking for me something that I love, which is the Basta. In a very. In a very delicious way. She made it in the dream. And then when I went and when I woke up, I felt like I am full. I felt like I. I don't want to eat. You know, it's really something indescribable. And I. I felt so sad when I saw her.

[Hadil]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry.

[Manal]

Yeah, I started telling my friends that Bray. To have a dream like this, you know, it's really so bad. Oh, my God.

[Hadil]

I remember the way hunger settled into my body. Not just as pain, but as a kind of silence. When I stood up, the room spun. My mouth tasted like metal. My limbs felt heavy, like I was wading through water. I stopped feeling hunger as a craving. It became something else, a slow shutting down.

[Manal]

I have never, ever expected to reach to such level, to seek food, to think of food, to only just want to. I just want to eat food. And I feel like people are going. Are going insane. We could lose our minds if we didn't have food immediately.

[Hadil]

When I first talked to Huda, I could tell she was ambitious. She talked about wanting to be a teacher. She dreamt of getting her master's degree abroad. But just before we talked, she had started to rethink that plan because she doesn't want to leave Gaza behind.

[Manal]

The Israelis are trying to erase all the traces of Palestinians and uprooted them. And they are trying to put the idea of traveling and to get out of Gaza, but we will not. We will always stay in our homes. And sometimes I feel like, how does the wall outside Gaza feel? How is the walls, you know, behind that crossing? Like, how did you feel when you get on a plane? Can you tell me?

[Hadil]

I was surprised by Huda's question. And I had trouble answering. Slammed me back to the moment as I was crossing into Egypt. No drones, no sounds of war. People were just living only 30 minutes away from Gaza. Sipping sodas, grilling on the street, kids heading to school, others coming back from college. The world outside Gaza, it's an overwhelming mix of things. My mouth is incapable of what it wants to speak. I think it's good for us to be in other parts of the world, to share what is happening back home. But to do that, I had to leave everything behind, knowing I may never go back. My home is out of reach. This is kind of breaking my heart. Huda texted me after our call and surprised me with another question. Question she asked what I had for breakfast. I lied. I said coffee and toast. These two things are still available somewhere in Gaza. I did not tell her I had one egg, a cookie and a cup of tea.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Foreign Mahalish is a journalist and writer from Gaza. Diane Wu produced this story. You can find more of Muhammad's reporting in Al Jazeera and msnbc. He's also a contributing writer for the Nation, which is where we first read about his experiences with hunger. Hoda's access to food has not changed since Mohammed spoke with her two weeks ago. One last thing before we end today's show. Almost every day someone asks me about a kid we put on the show six months ago. Banyas. She's in Gaza. The thing people always want to know. How is she doing? This is a question I find very difficult to answer, but here we go. Going to try. Banyas is still in central Gaza, where she's been displaced from the north. She turned nine during the ceasefire in January. She's living in an apartment with a yard. There are long stretches when she can't go outside, when it's not safe enough, when she can go out. There are kids nearby. She plays with, she draws. She pretends to be a naturalist. Banyas loves bugs. She does remote school for a few hours each week. She's skinnier. Banyas family has far more resources than most people in Gaza, but still. Her parents spend most of the day trying to find food lately, or waiting in lines to access an oven where they can cook bread if they have flour. Most days they don't. They eat lentils and rice or lentils and pasta. They're running out of canned food, her mom told me. On a good day they'll also share one fried potato for the family of four. How is Banas doing? Should be a really simple question. Bias is wonderful. She's charming, endlessly curious and energetic and bursting with things to say. She's very funny. And Benaz is still incredibly good at creating her own reality.

[H]

I'm so happy today. I'm really, really, really happy.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yeah, why?

[H]

The kids are playing in the backyard and I'm standing here in the balcony. There is our clothes. Sometimes it was loud, bumping around us. That's sometimes. Oh, here's one.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yeah, I just heard it.

[H]

It's not close of us. This is a lemon tree. I want to show you an olive tree we like to climb. This olive tree is so easy to Climb. I just stepped. Oh, I was about to fall. Okay, I'll switch the camera to show you. I'll hold the phone tightly and you're.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Climbing the tree right now.

[H]

And I'm climbing. Look, this is the olive tree.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

And.

[H]

I'm here. I'm here. Here am I. Whoa. I'm the king of the garden. I'm the queen of the garden.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Oh, Bunyas. Is it safe there?

[H]

It is safe. Don't worry about us. But there's some shooting around us.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yeah, I can hear it. So.

[H]

So don't go to high places. I'll just get down.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yeah, maybe come down.

[H]

So I. I doesn't get students.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yeah. Do you should. Maybe you should go back inside.

[H]

No, it's okay. It's a. It's a. It's far away from us.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

It sounds close.

[H]

If you're scared, we can. We can go inside.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yeah, why don't we go inside?

[H]

You don't you want to go inside?

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Yeah.

[H]

All right, let's go.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

That's how Banyas is doing. Fiercely protecting and inventing a childhood for herself. A childhood that is constrained in every way by shooting and bombing, by a lack of nutrition, education and safety. That's how she's doing.

[Aseel]

Oh, person, person we're really missing you it breaks all of our hearts to know that you just want to come on home so come on home the telephone it just doesn't seem to do to let you know I'm much It's true that we love you yeah, we love you oh, person, person, person oh.

[Chana Jaffi Walt]

Person, person, person Our show today was produced by Lily Sullivan. Nancy Updike edited the show. The people who put our show together include Michael Khamet, Angela Gervasi, Ira Glass, Cassie Howe, Valerie Kipnes, Seth Lind, Meeki Meek, Catherine Raimondo, Stone Nelson, Nadia Raymond, Anthony Roman, Alyssa Shipp, Christopher Swatala, and Marisa Robertson. Texter. Our managing editor is Sara Abdurrahman. Our senior editor is David Kestenbaum. Emmanuel Barry is our executive editor. Special thanks today to Hani Hwasli, Laura Elbas, Rania Mustafa, Dana Balut, Rachel Strom, Mnesh Gal, Lizzy Ratner, and Suzanne Gabber. Thanks also to KCRW in Los Angeles, where I've been recording this week and have had help from Katie Gilchrist, Phil Richards, Mike Stark, and Mike Newport. Voiceover for aseel in act one was performed by Tara Abboud. Our website, this American Life.org if you become a this American Life partner, you'll get bonus content, ad free listening and more. To join go to this American Life. That link is also in the show notes. This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by prx, the public radio exchange. I'm Chana Jaffi Walt. Ira Glass will be back next week with more stories of this American Life.

[Heba]

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