Podcast Summary – This Is Actually Happening, Ep. 343: "What if you were caught in a spiral of violence?"

Release Date: December 10, 2024
Host: Wit Misseldine, Wondery
Guest: Julianne

Overview

This riveting episode centers on Julianne’s harrowing and ultimately hopeful journey through a succession of abusive and traumatic relationships, culminating in life-threatening violence and profound personal growth. As Julianne shares her story, she reflects candidly on anxiety, survival, self-worth, the cyclical nature of trauma, and the healing power of community and self-love.

Key Themes & Discussion Points

1. Early Life and the Onset of Anxiety

• Julianne’s childhood in Michigan was marked by divorce and shifting family dynamics.
  • She speaks warmly about her father’s home (“it was home,” 02:59) but describes feeling alienated at her mother’s due to a new stepfather who was "not really pleasant" (03:24).
• The emotional strain of choosing where to live led to severe anxiety and what was, at the time, labeled as hypochondria.
  • “The first time I had what I now know as a panic attack...I was 10 or 11…” (04:01)
• School was difficult; she excelled in choir and found solace in music, culminating in a life-changing trip to sing at Carnegie Hall (06:14).

2. Escape to New York & First Abusive Relationship

• At 19, Julianne moves to NYC, excited for possibility despite persistent anxiety.
• She enters her first serious relationship, blinded by inexperience and hope.
  • Early warning signs: threatening behavior with a knife, increasing possessiveness, and isolation.
  • The violence becomes overt when her boyfriend punches her in the face after a minor disagreement (08:57).
    • “There was no dialogue before he hit me. I just laid there. I didn’t really know what to do.” (09:18)
• Unable to leave due to emotional manipulation and threats of self-harm by her boyfriend.
  • “I was terrified and thought I would be safer just trying to keep the peace.” (09:51)
• She recognizes her own eroding self-worth and eventual participation in physical altercations before finally leaving.

3. Second Marriage: Love, Red Flags, and Betrayal

• Julianne moves to Utah, quickly immersing herself into a new relationship with a man who has three daughters.
  • Again, there are “red flags": anger issues and a hidden drug-selling side business.
  • “His excuse was, 'I can’t afford to pay for our wedding on the job that I have, and I’m just gonna do this until...it’s done.'" (13:23)
• The marriage unravels almost immediately; he leaves her for another woman just after the wedding (19:38).
  • “It was like my whole world was crumbling and he told me...I punched a hole in the wall. I just couldn’t believe how matter-of-fact he was.” (19:39)
• Julianne embraces independence, goes back to school, and discovers a passion for interior design and yoga, reigniting self-agency.

4. Michael: Love, Trauma, and Gun Violence

• Julianne enters a relationship with Michael, an intelligent and emotionally perceptive man dealing with his own mental health and family estrangement from the LDS church.
  • She is struck by his emotional maturity and openness: “He suggested we each write out our goals for ourselves and the relationship. I had never had anybody...even present the idea…” (23:31).
• The pandemic exacerbates Michael’s existing struggles—unemployment, substance abuse, and depression.
• They survive two drive-by shootings at their home.
  • “We see these holes in the walls…then we look down...and there’s a bullet. We were like, ‘Oh my God, that was a gun. Like somebody just shot into our house.’” (31:19)
  • Police inform them their house was part of a string of shootings, possibly gang-related or a result of a drug deal gone wrong.

5. Escalation, Loss, and Catastrophe

• The physical danger and stress strain their relationship; Michael’s drug use worsens, leading to volatility and eventually physical altercations.
• Julianne, reflecting on past abusive dynamics, decides to leave.
• On March 31, 2021, after a fraught argument, Michael retrieves a gun and, in Julianne’s presence, dies by suicide (41:53).
  • “My instinct was that he was going to shoot me. So I jumped up, ran to the door...He turned towards me and put the gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He immediately slumped over, and I started screaming.” (42:37)
• In the aftermath, Julianne is interrogated but ultimately released, surrounded by friends and even strangers who support her through the initial shock.

6. Aftermath, Therapy, and Healing

• The detective calls Julianne:
  • “He wanted to let me know how lucky I was to be alive...there aren’t many of me." (46:50)
• Michael’s mother reaches out to absolve her of blame:
  • “‘I need you to know that this isn’t your fault. I’ve been waiting for this phone call for Michael’s entire life.’” (47:13)
• Julianne begins trauma therapy, where she is encouraged to reconnect with her younger self and finds this profoundly healing.
  • “It was really powerful to be confronted with myself as a child and then the person that I am now.” (48:56)
• She gradually lets go of Michael—both emotionally and physically, spreading his ashes in the wilderness and finding symbolic freedom and closure (54:45).
• Julianne reflects on guilt, anger, grief, and the complex nature of suicide:
  • “I don’t think suicide is selfish, because in the moment you feel like you are doing people a favor by unburdening them. And in that same moment, the way he did it was incredibly selfish.” (54:40)
• She emphasizes the importance of accepting love—from self and others—and breaking destructive patterns.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On cycles of abuse:
  “I was so lost and stuck. The logical part of me knew that I didn’t deserve that, but maybe it was the best I could do and I deserved it in some way.” (10:34)
• On longing for connection:
  “My addiction is love and connection. And at times, it has led me astray just as much as alcohol or drugs would do.” (17:36)
• On trauma’s impact:
  “I know that I’ve worked through a lot of the PTSD, but I know that there are some things that I just will have to deal with and face.” (55:26)
• Epiphany on survival:
  “One of my mantras has been that I’m not dead, I’m alive. Because there have been moments since then that I have had to remind myself that I’m not living in an alternate reality, that I really did survive that night.” (49:38)
• A moment of healing:
  “...Just submerged myself in the water. As silly as it sounds, it was just like it was the first time I could feel...I was so relieved that I was still capable of feeling what it feels like to jump in a cold river.” (51:21)
• On showing up for others:
  “If people are asking if you need help and they’re offering their help, it’s really important to accept it because they’re not just asking for you, it’s for them too.” (45:13)
• Letting go:
  “I took the day off, and I drove up into the mountains...I spread his ashes out and let him go.” (54:45)
• Moving forward:
  “It was really important to go back to the foundation of the things that I love and that have always brought me joy...In loving myself now, I’m giving myself the love that I needed when I was little.” (56:06)

Important Timestamps

• 02:35 – Julianne’s childhood, onset of anxiety
• 08:57 – First act of physical abuse
• 09:51 – Emotional manipulation to stay
• 13:23 – New marriage, uncovering drug abuse
• 19:38 – Marriage abruptly ends
• 23:31 – New relationship, new emotional tools
• 31:19 – First drive-by shooting
• 42:37 – Michael’s suicide
• 46:50 – Detective’s call about her survival
• 47:13 – Michael’s mother offers absolution
• 48:56 – Therapy and inner child healing
• 51:21 – Symbolic moment in the cold river
• 54:45 – Spreading Michael's ashes in the mountains
• 56:06 – Affirmations of self-love and closure

Closing Reflection

Julianne’s story is a powerful testament to survival, resilience, and the importance of breaking destructive cycles—both in oneself and in relationships. Her honesty about fear, vulnerability, trauma, and healing serves as a beacon to others caught in spirals of violence or pain. Listeners are left with a sense of possibility: that, even after unimaginable experiences, it is possible to reclaim one’s life with compassion, wisdom, and a return to simple joys.

For those affected by trauma or in need of support, please consult resources provided in the show notes.