← This Is Actually Happening
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Wonder plus subscribers can listen to exclusive episodes of this Is Actually Happening by joining Wonder in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. This Is Actually Happening features real experiences that often include traumatic events. Please consult the Show Notes for specific content warnings on each episode and for more information about support services. Hi listeners. Today, as we launch season 15 of the show, I wanted to share how deeply grateful we are to continue this work in a world overflowing with competition for your attention. The media so often prioritizes the lowest, cheapest and most divisive content it can deliver, and that trend only seems to be accelerating. But here on this show, we're able to carve out a small corner that remains dedicated to long form storytelling code, cultivating deep empathy and restoring dignity to the human experience. We thank you all for gathering in this small corner with us and for your continued love and support as we dive into a brand new season of triumphs and transformations. We have a lot of exciting evolutions of the show coming up this season that we'll be sharing over the next couple months, including an illustrated book of stories from the show we'll be releasing in October. So stay tuned for upcoming announcements over the next few weeks. But now, without further delay, we bring you the first episode of season 15 what if you fought your way out of the jungle?
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At some point in our lives, we're all going to face something that we fear is going to break us. But I'm here to tell you it won't. Because you are stronger. You're stronger than you could ever possibly imagine, and you just need to tap into that with every fiber of your being.
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From Wondery, I'm Wit Misseldine, you're listening to this Is actually Happening, episode 375 what if you had to fight your way out of the jungle? This Is Actually Happening is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.
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The WNBA playoffs are in full swing and Tommy Alters the young man in the three brings you closer to the game. Get complete WNBA playoff coverage as Tommy sits down with the game's biggest stars and delivers unmatched analysis. The young men in the 3's WNBA playoff coverage is presented by Quest Nutrition. From irresistibly crunchy protein chips to rich chocolatey protein bars, these treats make giving in feel so good quest. Big on protein, low on sugar, huge on flavor. Shop quest on Amazon@Amazon.com questnutrition and enjoy all the WNBA action on the Young Men and the three wherever you get your podcasts.
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My father grew up being raised by a very strict mother and a father who wasn't around a lot. And he also, as a child, suffered from asthma, and his mother sent him to New Mexico Military Academy. He became a boarding student there because the climate was better for his asthma. Then he went on to be a pilot during World War II. You know, the code and the standards of the military was deeply ingrained in him. I think that had a profound effect on him because when he began raising me as a child, I always felt like he raised me like I was a boarding student at a military academy. He was very strict and had lots of rules and kept me at arm's length. Interestingly enough, he married a woman who was the total opposite of him. My mother was a beautiful woman, but emotionally she was not very strong, and she depended on him a lot. She tried to be very overprotective of me. I had asthma like my father had, so she wouldn't let me take PE or play sports. I realized that her being overprotective was her way of showing affection for me, but she wasn't very affectionate. My dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was about 12 years old. And the last time that we took him to the hospital before he died, he and I had an opportunity to sit on the couch together, just the two of us. And he told me that he understood that I didn't think that he cared about me or loved me. But he said it was just the opposite, that he had raised me the way he had because he didn't want me to grow up to be like my mother. He wanted me to be strong and independent and able to stand on my own two feet. That was probably the best thing he could have said to me, because it all made sense then. That he did care and that he did love me. The day that my father died, I was at a piano lesson and the piano teacher got a phone call. It was my mother who was calling, and she was telling the piano teacher what had happened. I could hear the piano teacher say, oh, I'm so sorry. Yes, she can stay here as long as need be. And later in the afternoon, Mother and my father's mother came to pick me up. But there was no mention that my father had died. Although in my gut I knew that's what had happened. It was the Beginning of realizing that our lives were going to totally fall apart unless I stepped up and took charge. At that age of 12 or 13, mother and I role reversed and I became the mother and she became the daughter. I think I had to kind of abandon myself and pretend that I wasn't afraid of anything or anyone. It was the only way that I could take on such a job. Even though I was very strong and independent, it was taking a giant leap past anything that I had ever known. I didn't know any other 12 or 13 year old kids who were their parents. Caretaker. I didn't really mention it to my friends. In a way I think I was ashamed of it because from my perspective everyone else's parents were pretty normal. I was afraid that they would think I was the odd kid out. Most of the time she was on Valium in her room with the shades pulled, in a nightgown. Occasionally she, she would come out of her room and she would insert herself into my life and make arbitrary decisions when she really had no idea what was going on in my life or that I was a straight A student and I was a good girl and I never got into trouble and you know, the teachers liked me and I had really great friends. So as a teenager she and I butted heads a lot. I'm not sure that I grieved for my father like someone would have expected me to. I didn't live as a child. I think I missed my window of opportunity to be a kid. I think I was born an adult and certainly living with a father who was very strict and wanted me to be perfect and stand on my own. I didn't play, I didn't have fun. Everything was goal oriented. And so there was part of me that was just kind of relieved. Not that he was dead, but that I didn't have to do that anymore. As I went through middle school and high school, I became interested in speech and debate. I was well educated, whether it was current affairs in the United States or what was going on in the other parts of the world or, or the economy. I could talk about business. I started getting involved in drama and would try out for some of the school plays. I think the drama department and the speech and debate was very good for me because it gave me an outlet that was separate and apart from my mother. It fueled a creativity in me and I also discovered that I liked writing. So when I was a senior in high school, I entered a drama and speech festival and I won a partial drama scholarship to Trinity University, which was in my Hometown of San Antonio, Texas. I felt like somebody had recognized that I was doing something right. Unfortunately, I don't think Mother really recognized what a big deal that was. She was very needy and she was afraid that that was going to take me away from her. So I stayed at home, still taking care of Mother. Sparks started flying and we fought all the time. It was a very unpleasant experience. This joyful scholarship that I had gotten had become soured. I really hadn't dated very much. And I wound up marrying the first boy who asked me out. And I realized that day that we got married that the only reason I was doing that was it was the only way that I knew of getting away from my mother. So I dropped out of college and I let go of that precious scholarship that had meant so much to me, but it meant more for me to have some independence and no longer be my mother's caretaker. And so I married this boy. I don't think either one of us loved one another, but we stayed married for two and a half years. I had a couple of jobs I wasn't crazy about, and then I saw there was a job at a new company in San Antonio called Datapoint Corporation. I went and interviewed and I got a job there. And as it turned out, Datapoint was a really big deal at the time. When I first went to work for them, they had invented a desktop computer screen that tied into computer networks. At the time, no one had a personal computer. This was in the early 70s, 1971. I was the fourth person hired in accounting. I worked there for about six months. And there was this really tall, good looking guy that stopped my desk one day. He had a manila folder in his hand and he said, I've been told that you're the one who can help me with this. And he handed me the folder and he said, there's no rush. And I had never seen him before. But I opened the folder and I started working on whatever it was. And I noticed that there was a little note in there that said, whenever I was finished with it, please bring it back to JP Ray's office. One of the founders of the company. And the founders were always off working on raising more venture capital. And so I had never met them, I didn't know who they were. But the folder said, take this back to Mr. Wray's office. And I knew where that was. And so I peeked in the door of Mr. Wray's office, and there, sitting behind his desk was Mr. Ray, the founder of this company. I just thought he was the Most gorgeous man I had ever seen. And he looked up and he saw me standing in the doorway, and he said, wow, that was quick. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. And as I left his office, my heart kind of sank. But then I said, well, you're a married woman, so that doesn't really matter. I continued to work for the company, and along the way, the boy that I'd married, he and I decided that it wasn't working and that we would get a divorce. It was a friendly parting. One Friday night, one of my friends that worked at the company, she said, why don't you go with me after work and have drinks? And so I went to the local watering hole. She left me there, seated at the bar with my glass of wine. And it wasn't very long before Mr. A came and sat down and asked me if that seat was taken. He and I started talking, and it was like we had known one another forever. And he was nothing like I thought the founder and president of a publicly held company would be like. He didn't seem to have an ego. So he paid the bill and he walked me to my car. And as we stood there, he opened my car door and he said, you should know that I won't date employees. That weekend, he was all that I could think about. I had never had such an instant, profound connection with anybody in my life. And I thought about this all weekend long. His statement of, you need to know, I won't date employees. And so when Monday came around, I went in and I handed in my letter of resignation. And I knew it was a big step, but I had no doubt that what I was doing was the absolute best thing for me. Two weeks later, he and I were living together. I was 21 and he was 33 and a half. But there really wasn't an age difference. And I think that was because I was always mature for my age. All those years that I had done debate, I knew about the news, and I transferred my subscription to Time magazine to his address, and I took out a subscription for Business Week, Car and Driver, the Wall Street Journal in Scientific American. Because he was a scientist. He was a physicist and an electrical engineer and brilliant. We take the computer for granted now and all of our devices. But at the time, he had invented what they would call a computer terminal. That computer terminal plugged into the big mainframes of the big, giant cray computers that took up a whole room. And at the time, the. There wasn't really any kind of an interface machine like this. A screen that could plug right in and yet was user friendly. It was a little bit bigger than an IBM Selectric typewriter. And it sat on a desk and it had a screen and it had a keyboard. This was revolutionary. I remember datapoint was going to go out for their second public offering. And so he was trying to get creative on how can I reduce costs and not have to go raise as much money. And so he invited the president of intel at the time, that was Bob Noyce, and the president of Texas Instruments, to dinner at the Old Warsaw in Dallas, Texas. And I was there with them. And so it was the four of us @ dinner, and Phil said, I'm going to to make you a bet, each one of you a bet. And he took two of these little cards out of his pocket, and on each one he drew the schematics for the microprocessor. And he handed one card to each man and he said, I'll make you a bet whichever. The first one of you can build this, create this, and bring it to practice. Then you forgive Data Point our outstanding invoices with your company. At the time, datapoint was buying a lot of computer chips from both intel and Texas Instruments. And I remember Bob Noyce, the founder of intel, who was one in history that's very revered. Bob just started laughing and he said, why would I want to put a computer on a chip? I'm in the chip business. We make a chip for addition, we make a chip for subtraction, we make one for multiplication. And he said, you're talking about putting everything on one chip. I'll be selling less chips. And it occurred to me that Bob didn't get it, that the future of everything, someday my blow dryer was going to be smarter than I was because it had a microprocessor in it that, that these men were talking about that night at dinner. The original name of datapoint Corporation was Computer Terminal Corporation. They invented the first microprocessor, the first computer on a chip. And even on Intel's Wikipedia page, it gives credit to Computer Terminal Corporation. The 8008 architecture was designed by Computer Terminal Corporation, but it was implemented and manufactured by Intel. That is the chip that founder of Intel, Bob Noyce said at dinner one night that he didn't understand. But Datapoint kind of got lost in a shuffle in the history of how the computer came about. And that makes me pretty sad. I do think it ranks up there with the light bulb and the Model T in the printing press. You know, we've only got one name attached to all of them, you know, like Thomas Edison. But, you know, as they say, success has a thousand fathers and failure is a bastard. So a lot of people took credit for various parts of datapoint Corporation, but the real story of its being the first company to invent the first desktop computer and a microprocessor really wasn't carried forward as part of that thread people were so busy attaching their own name to. Was such an interesting time for me to be part of these conversations and to see how people responded to Phil. And it wasn't just corporate bigwigs, it was our friends. They would hang on every word. He had a charisma and a magic. Whether it was how electricity works or string theory, he would boil it down into the most simple elements to where everybody walked away thinking they honestly understood. And I think they did. I mean, that is such a gift. I've never known anyone that can do that. It was an amazing thing to watch. There were articles about him and Data point in BusinessWeek and on the COVID of the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times all the time. But I slipped into this as though it was the most natural relationship in a position for me to be in. We entertained a lot of venture capitalists and investment bankers and I wanted to be more than just arm candy. He wanted me to finish my college degree. And so I went back as a full time student to Trinity University. But this time I decided that I was going to major in journalism and film and photography, which I did. Philip and I are going off on weekend adventures. We would go scuba diving someplace and I learned to take underwater pictures at the same time. Philip used to race Porsches. He raced cars in the scca. And he asked me if I would like to learn to race. And I said absolutely. I think there was something about when I was a kid and I pretended not to be afraid of anything or anyone. There was a certain understated bravado that I had that he recognized and that appealed to him. And so our life just became more and more adventurous. And I was just head over heels in love with this man. I would have done anything he asked me to do. At some point I realized that I wanted to be the one woman that he couldn't live without. And so I got to thinking about, how do I do that? We had talked about children. He already had two children from his previous marriage. I always thought that I had a child which was my mother. I decided that if I had a child with him, then I would become a mother. And I don't say that in a derogatory way at all. It's just that I thought that my time and attention would not be focused on him anymore and us as a couple. So I made it a conscious decision not to have children in an effort to be that one woman that he couldn't live without.
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By that time we had gotten married. I was more than his wife. I was a trusted confidant and we would Brainstorm. And because I was so good in a library, my degree was in journalism. I would research topics for Philip. I was a business partner in whatever it was that he was doing. I remember we had gone to the Smithsonian in Washington D.C. and we saw the world's first man made diamond. And it made a big impression on him. And so he's looking at this diamond and he's saying, that's just heat and pressure and look what they've created. I wonder if anybody's learned to make real emeralds. And so we came home and I went to the library and I researched and sure enough, somebody had just very recently learned to make real emeralds. I showed it to Philip and I thought he might be kind of disappointed, but he was holding that week's copy of Time magazine and cocaine was a cover story that week. And he said, you know, cocaine starts out as a leaf on a bush. It's nothing. And then it turns into something that people are willing to die for and kill for. Surely someone's learned to make cocaine from scratch. And so this time he accompanied me back to the library and we researched cocaine and whether anyone had made it. And it turned out that someone had during World War I. But all of the scientific papers referring to this process were in German and they were in Russian. And so I had all of the papers printed out. And we came home and I ordered a Russian, English, English, Russian dictionary and a German dictionary. And for three or four months we would pile up in bed together. And we did this day after day. It was fun. We would take time off and we would go on our scuba diving adventures. And by then we were also searching for unexcavated Mayan ruins. We had turned into treasure hunters. We were adventurers. We were Indiana Jones before there was an Indiana Jones. It wasn't because we were wanted to find something and sell it and get money from it. It was the thrill of the hunt. Like racing cars or starting a public company. We were adrenaline junkies making cocaine from scratch. Now he was out of his element. He was becoming a self taught organic synthesis chemist. That fit all of his requirements at that time. This man never had any thought about making cocaine to sell it. It was the thrill of the hunt, if you will, his own personal Rubik's cube that he could do by himself. The next thing I know, he has converted downstairs in our home into an organic synthesis chemistry lab. He probably worked on making cocaine down in the lab for at least a year. He had firm rules about you can't ever bring in Food or drink into the lab. He was working with these deadly chemicals that I could not even pronounce. But he'd be down there, and I could tell he was just as happy as he could be. And then there came a time when he said, I have it. I have made C17 H21 no. 4, which is the chemical notation for cocaine. We had a friend who was a doctor who had access to a machine that law enforcement and hospitals use to check hair samples and urine for the presence of illegal substances. And so he sent some of what he had to our friend. And the friend said, where did you get this? This is 100% pharmaceutical cocaine. Even doctors don't have access to this. Where did you get it? And Philip said, are you sure? And he said, absolutely, I'm sure. Where did you get it? And Philip sidestepped the question, and he said, thanks, I owe you one. And he hung up. And it was at that point that he said, well, I want to see what all the fuss is about. Why did cocaine make the COVID of Time magazine? And so he cut out a little rail and got a straw, put it on a mirror like you see in the movies. And he snorted some, and I snorted some. I thought he was going to have to take me to the emergency room. I felt like I'd had 20 cups of espresso and I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. It was terrifying. But Philip loved cocaine, and he started working downstairs to refine it to get a better yield, because he said a real organic synthesis chemist would say, my methods are sloppy, and the next thing you do is you try to purify it and increase your yield. But I didn't know that every little bit that he was making, he was using at the same time. When he'd been downstairs working, he'd come up with an idea to replace the cigarettes that he smoked, because he said he couldn't smoke down in the lab because of all the chemicals. And so while he was down there in the lab, he made a little smokeless cigarette. And it was a metal tube. He covered it with white shelf paper, and then on the end he'd use like a cork colored brown shelf paper for the filtered end. And on the inside was a specially shaped piece of filter paper from his lab that he had put a drop of nicotine into. And I was in the kitchen, and he came up and I thought he'd handed me a cigarette. And then I looked at it, and I realized it wasn't a traditional Marlboro or a Winston. And he said, I've made myself my own smokeless cigarette. And I asked him how it worked. And so he took one of those little cards that he kept in his pocket out, and he stood in the kitchen and he drew a diagram. And it worked on something he called the Venturi principle. It was amazing. And I kept saying, there's a company here, Philip. This is what you need to be doing. I wanted him to stop what he was doing in the lab. And he said, no, I just want to be the only kid on the block that has one. But as our friends would find out about this little tube, he began making one for them. This was a healthier alternative. Philip's little tube that he made downstairs in the dungeon was the first smokeless cigarette. As I watched everybody inhaling on this thing, they were inhaling nicotine vapors. And so I said, well, that's the vape. Instead of smoking, they're vaping. It was a perfect fit. And I wound up coining the terms vape and vaping. A number of us pressured him into writing a business plan. We wound up doing focus group studies with the vape. We hired teams of people to hand make these and started taking patents out in countries all around the world on Philip's design for the vape. Our attorneys are saying, man, this is unbelievable. If you can get away with this, you're going to be zillionaires. But that was the big gif. As Philip said, I can't be the first person to come up with this. The big six tobacco companies have to be working on this. But the first time I went to the library, I couldn't find any evidence of that at all. What I did find scared the shit out of me. The federal government and the big six tobacco companies were in bed together. The feds were on the side of the big six tobacco companies. It was a matter of dollars and cents. The smokeless cigarette slipped through the cracks as far as the defin legal definition of what a cigarette was. And so the feds were unable to tax it. And the government's second largest revenue source comes from the tax on alcohol, tobacco and firearms. And so it was not in the government's best interest for a safer cigarette to be developed. And the big six tobacco companies were making billions of dollars. We didn't have a national distribution set up like the big six tobacco companies did. So we did a small rollout starting in Texas, and then we would roll out into different parts of the country. The first vape favor, smokeless cigarette, was being distributed In San Antonio, Philip and I would. Some days we would drive to the local grocery store or a Walgreens or. Or a convenience store and ask them if they had favor. And sometimes they did. And other times the manager of the store would say, interesting that you asked that, because yesterday your distributor was by and picked them all up, put them in a trash bag. This happened repeatedly. And we realized that it was the Big Six Tobacco Company that was coming in. And they were literally taking our product off of the shelves. I mean, they would do anything to see to it that the consumers didn't have an opportunity to try. Was hard to ignore the fact that we were playing with the big boys. And they played rough and they played for keeps. By now it's maybe 1980, and I noticed that there were men in suits who are pulling up at the foot of our hill and they're stealing our garbage and putting it into the trunk of their car. And at some point then, Philip and I both had indications that people were breaking into our home. And they were rifling through my papers on my desk upstairs, the business plan that Philip and I were writing for the Vape. It wasn't long after that, he was zonked out on cocaine and alcohol. One night, it was probably 2 in the morning, and I heard voices outside our bedroom window. And a few minutes went by. There was a gap between the bottom of our bedroom door and the floor. And I could see shadows on the other side of the bedroom door. And I realized that those voices were in our house. And so I grabbed a shotgun from a secret compartment next to my bed. And naked and barefoot, I walked to this side of the door. I could hear them on the other side. And I chambered around, which is an unmistakable sound to anybody who isn't deaf. And to myself. I counted 1, 2, 3. And I flung open the door. And there were three men in suits that were running down the hall, down out the dungeon door. So that day, I had called our attorneys and told them everything about our visitors. And so we wound up with a bodyguard, the sniper on the San Antonio SWAT squad. And that's a really freaky way to live. All this time, I had all these little voices that I was trying to keep silent. I was living with the Philip who would turn into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And he was not a nice person when he was high on alcohol and coke. He knocked me to the floor one night and sat on me and tried to strangle me. And I remember looking in his eyes, and they were just black they looked soulless. They looked like what I thought the eyes of a shark would look like. And somehow I managed to get away from him. And I wound up jumping out of the second story bathroom window because he had begun firing a gun in the bathroom door. And I knew it was a matter of time before he hit me. Those bullets. And so I jumped out, hoping the tree two feet away would break my fall. I sprained my ankle when I landed, and it's raining, and I ran to the backside of our hill. And I realized that I couldn't keep doing this. I couldn't keep walking this tightrope because either Philip was going to kill me or the guys breaking into our house were going to kill me, or we were going to get arrested because we had a drug lab downstairs. And so I had all of these things going through my head, like, what do I do now? And I had been covering for him. I didn't want anybody to know about his cocaine and his alcohol because he was revered. He was so respected and so adored. So all this time, I'm trying to protect him. I spent every day of every waking hour trying to figure out how to talk to him, this brilliant man, that what he's doing is not just destroying him, but it's destroying me and our life together. I would read books about addiction, and I would show them to him. And I was just confident that, okay, tomorrow's going to be the day that he's going to slap his forehead and say, you're right. I'll stop this. But I didn't understand addiction. I didn't understand how powerful it is and that it will steal everything from you and leave you with nothing. The unusual thing about this is I could count the number of arguments we had in 17 years on one hand. We were always in sync. We adored one another. But this person he became on cocaine and alcohol. I realized that when that man said no, that I was better off not continuing that conversation. So we never talked about any of this. By now, I was so good at shutting down my voice. A lot of it was because I wanted to be the one woman he couldn't live without. And the other part was, I just didn't want to rock the boat when he was high. You know, by now I've fled the house more than once in the middle of the night. And I thought, I wonder if he would entertain a conversation with me about, let's have a separation. I wasn't all the way there, but I was almost there, because a lot of me kept wondering. I hate to say this, but who would I be if I wasn't with Philip Ray? Who am I? Throughout our life together, he had always said, I don't want you to have a full time job because we won't be able to take our adventures. You know, what am I going to do? I don't have any money. I'm a college educated woman married to a brilliant man, and I'm trapped. People don't understand when women are, like, being abused and, well, why did they stay? I always looked at that that way, you know, but then I found myself as this woman in terrible danger and I couldn't leave. I had no options. And then I realized, you know, it doesn't really matter whether I'm working at the Exxon station across the street. I have to get out. I can't do this anymore. Just when I was about to tell him that I was thinking about leaving, he was diagnosed with lung cancer. And I couldn't leave him. We didn't talk about his cancer. We didn't talk about the fact that he was going to die. He knew it was terminal. We both knew it was terminal. The day he died, we were in Bethesda. He was getting outpatient treatment and we were staying at a nearby hotel. And he got out of bed that morning and he went into the bathroom, and I heard this thud. He had fallen against the door. I scrambled out of bed and managed to push the door open enough that I could slip through. And he was on the floor. And I knelt down beside him and I said, everything's going to be all right. Those were the last words we said to one another. Philip died in 1987, and I find out that we've been living off of all of his Data Point stock and there's nothing left. We owed three years back taxes, penalty and interest, the mortgage due on our home, and cancer bills. One of the big business magazines had done a story about new wealth in America, something like that. And Philip was number 42. So, you know, to have gone from on paper, you've got a lot of money to I have $200,000 to my name. So I paid off Philip's mother's house, which was $27,000. I started paying off his cancer bills. I owed $72,000 on the house, and there was about 90,000 left. And I said, will you make a cashier's check out to the mortgage company? And I drove to Houston early that morning. He lost all color in his face. When I said, I'm here to pay off my loan. It Was at that point that I said, I will never, ever let anybody ever take my power away from me again. I sat in the parking lot and cried at how close I came to losing my house. The day that Philip died, the company received a letter from the federal government, from the atf, Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, stating that they were asking. But they weren't asking. They were telling us to voluntarily withdraw their product from the marketplace while they ran tests to see if people could inhale nicotine in this form. They were going to have to put it through a series of long tests. The company essentially was put in mothballs. The stock price dropped. I single handedly did a hospital takeover and gained a seat on the board. The only thing we had were Philips patents, the original patents on the smokeless cigarette. And so those were sold to Pharmacia Leo, a Swedish drug company. They were the ones that did the Nicotrol, Nicorette patch and chewing gum. So they reconfigured Philip's design for a smokeless inhaler. After Philip died, I was just total loose ends. I felt depressed and defeated. I was grieving, not for the man I loved because he died long ago, but I was grieving just the end of what had started out as a fairy tale. You know, when I met Philip Ray, it was instant love. Mad, passionate. I would do anything for this man. I wanted to be the one woman that he couldn't live without. And I did almost anything he wanted. And as far as I know, I was the only woman in his life. And ironically, as the years progressed, he became the man that I could live without because the cocaine and the alcohol had changed him profoundly. At the time, I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up to be that woman, how much of my voice I had sacrificed. But I was independent and I was strong and I was smart. And as time went on from that young woman who first met Philip to the not so young woman 17 years later who buried him, I realized that I've got to get away and I need to find Brenda. I need to find that young woman again. And who is she and what did she want and who is this woman now and what does she want? In order to bridge those two things to help me do that, I decided I would take what money I had and I would go to Belize. Philip and I had been there with friends before. We'd had a wonderful time. It was just a magical trip and I wanted to go back there to see if I couldn't reclaim that Brenda and put my life back together. So I went by myself and I had a wonderful time. I just felt like I just tossed all those gremlins into the sea, you know, and take them out with the tide. I don't want any part of them anymore. I met this delightful British couple and discovered that they also had a love of Maya ruins. And I remember she said, did you know that Tikal has been restored enough that they're letting tourists come to Tikal in Guatemala? And I said, no, I didn't know that. And so in Belize City, I got on a school bus that would take me to Tikal. And as the bus is driving through the jungle, it's letting people off on the side of the road and gets to where I'm like the only person left on board. And the driver tells me that there's a little town not far and I can catch another bus there. And so they let me out on the side of the road and I started walking. And this cab pulled up. The cab driver spoke English and he said, well, there are no buses today. I will take you to where you can catch another cab. And I had never accepted a ride from a stranger. Although when I learned that there's no bus for another day because it's a holiday, I kind of felt like I didn't have a choice. It took maybe an hour to get to this point where he stops, he nods his head and he says, other root. And there's a big billboard there. And on it was a skull and crossbones like you see on a bottle of poison. On the skull was this little beret, like a military beret. And instead of the crossbones, it was crossed automatic weapons. In Spanish it said, danger. You were entering hell. And I was thinking, I've already been to hell and back and I don't want to go again. And he turned down this road and there's a big tower with a guy in the top of the tower with a machine gun. That was kind of unnerving. And I can see up ahead there are men wearing the same beret and khaki army uniforms and they've got knee high black boots. And they come out of the jungle and they stop the cab and they start looking in the trunk and they want to know where we're going. And they look in the glove compartment. My window's open. It's really hot. He smelled like cigarettes and onions. And he leaned past me and he lifted my camera case and he could see my passport. And he took my passport. Before he stepped away, he took his Fingers. And he ran them up and down my bare arm. All of them but one disappear back into the jungle. And we're left there for what seemed like forever. The cab driver, by now is just totally losing it. And he's telling me, in part Spanish, in part English, I should take you home. My wife would feed you. You stay night. You sleep. He was scolding himself for not doing that. And instead, for bringing me down this road. I didn't know what was planned, but I could tell from how he was responding that he knew. And so he begins to tell me about all these boys that have been taken by this group. They're going into villages, and they're raiding the villages. And they're taking young boys, and they're bringing them back to work on their poppy fields in the jungle. Along the side of the road, there are some shallow graves. And he's pointing to those graves, and he's saying, los Ninos. They're 11, 12, 13 when they were taken. And I realized that what I really want is Philip. I want healthy Philip. I want the Philip who would know how to get out of there. And I didn't have anybody but this little man in the front seat who was petrified. And I'm trying to keep him calm because I'm thinking, he's all I've got. And so I sat there knowing that this wasn't good. And the only thing that I could come up with was that they were going to take us and rape me and kill me. My heart is just beating out of rhythm, and I'm getting dizzy. And so I'm just trying to tell myself that everything's going to be all right. And that I have nobody to depend on but myself. And here they come again, and they force us out of the car, and they make us start walking. The one time I tried to turn around to look at the cab driver. The soldier behind me just forced his gun real hard in the middle of my back. And at some point, we come to a clearing. And I realize that there's a Mayan ruin that's there. And they make us sit down on a rock. And we sat there for. I thought it was forever. A couple of guys show up, and it's obvious that one of them was the guy in charge. And they gave him my passport. And he flips through it kind of thoughtfully. And the guy that was with him is the one that was at the car. The one that ran his fingers up and down my arm. And I knew what they had planned for me and that I Was not leaving there. It's like being in a dream that you've already had and you know what's coming. But the next thing I know, there's shots fired somewhere in the jungle. And everybody takes off but the one who took my passport. And he doesn't waste any time. He comes over and he's just running his hands all over me. He's stripping me of my clothes. He pushes me to the ground, and I'm trying to fight him, but his legs have got me pinned. And he unzips his pants, and I'm trying to slap him, and I hit his penis. And his head goes back and I can tell that he liked it. And I didn't hesitate. I reached up under there and I grabbed a hold of his balls with my fingernails and I just ground him in there. And I just. Just twisted them and I yanked like I was trying to rip them off of his body. And he lets out this low, guttural, like a wounded animal sound. And he just flips back. And I jump up and I'm pulling my jeans up and I'm trying to get my T shirt back down. And he's looking up at me. I can tell by the look on his face he's seeing me. Not my body parts, but me. He's got his hands and he's groin. His head's back, and he's looking up at me. And I hauled off and I kicked him in the throat. And then he took his hands away from his groin and he brought them up to his throat. And then I hauled off and I kicked the son of a bitch as hard as I could. And he's groin. Once, twice, like I was busting down a door. And I leaned around him and I picked up his gun. And by this time, the cab driver was on his feet. I think he was in shock because he just stood there. And I'm saying, vaminos, run. And I grab him by the hand and we start running back through the same way we came. And I'm feeling this pressure, too, that if we don't make it to the car, we're dead. And the whole time I'm thinking, what if there's soldiers out there waiting for us? What if the guy in the tower down the road knows that we've escaped? What if he's there? What if he shoots us? So I jump in the front seat and I hand him the keys. He's having trouble getting the car started. And somehow he makes the connection. And it doesn't go very fast. And we're kind of going up an incline the whole way. I'm thinking, they're going to come out of the jungle. We're dead. There's no way that they can let us get away. We just keep driving and driving and neither one of us have said a word. Not a word. And we finally get to a point and the cab driver says, bus Aki and I had forgotten all about the Busta Tikal, the reason I came here in the first place. And he pulls up behind these people and we just sit there for the longest time. And we don't. Neither one of us says anything. We don't look at each other. And a school bus pulls up. The drivers come around and open the car door on my side. And I reach out to the cab driver and he kind of shies away from me. And then he starts crying. And he leans into me and he puts his head on my shoulder. This is the first time that he's touched me. And I told him that we would be all right. We're going to be all right. And I remember thinking he looked so much older than he did that morning when I first met him. And I let go of him and I picked up my bags and I walked to the school bus and I got on board. We didn't so much wave at each other as we each put our hand up. It was just an acknowledgment, a goodbye. And I sat down. You know, I kept telling myself, you know, once I get home, everything will be all right. It's going to be all right. But when I got back, nothing was all right. I started thinking about other women that I'd heard stories about who'd been assaulted. And there's always those lingering, well, what were you wearing? Well, why were you there in the first place? Well, what did you do to provoke that? Like it's your fault? And so I just went further within.
- [59:37]
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Hi, I'm Denise Chan, host of Scam Factory. You might remember hearing about our investigative series that exposed what's really happening behind those suspicious texts you get inside heavily guarded compounds across Asia. Thousands are trapped and forced to scam.
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Others or risk torture.
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One of our most powerful stories was Jela's, a young woman who thought she'd found her dream job, only to end up imprisoned in a scam compound. Her escape story caught the attention of criminals. Phoebe Judge. And I'm honored to share more details of Jealous Journey with their audience. But Jealous Story is just one piece of the this investigation in Scam Factory we reveal how a billion dollar criminal Empire turns job seekers into prisoners and how the only way out is to scam your way out. Ready to uncover the full story? Binge all episodes of Scam Factory. Now listen to Scam Factory on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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It's your man Nick Cannon and I'm here to bring you my new podcast, Nick Cannon at Night. I've heard y' all been needing some advice and the love to department, so who better to help than yours truly? Nah, I'm serious. Every week I'm bringing out some of my celebrity friends and the best experts in the business to answer your most intimate relationship questions. Having problems with your man? We got you catching feelings for your sneaky link. Let's make sure it's the real deal first. Ready to bring toys into the bedroom? Let's talk about it. Consider this a non judgment zone to ask your questions when it comes to sex and modern dating in relationships, friendships, situationships and everything in between. It's gonna be sexy, freaky, messy. And you know what? You'll just have to watch the show. So don't be shy, join the conversation and head over to YouTube to watch Nick Cannon at night or subscribe on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast. Want to watch episodes early and ad free? Join Wondery plus right now.
- [61:43]
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When I returned from Guatemala and I drove up my driveway, I finally felt safe. And I felt like all my problems would be over with that I'm home, I'm safe, they're not going to follow me. At the time, I had never heard the term ptsd. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had no clue what that was. But I couldn't sleep. And this went on for years. I had trouble relaxing and going to sleep. Part of me half expected Philip to come up out of the dungeon and rear back on me like a wild animal. The other part of me thought the Big Six tobacco company and their goons were going to break into the house. And then at the same time, I would be laying in the dark and I would be replaying every single facet of what happened when I was laying on the floor in the jungle. The scar on the side of his face, the patch on his uniform, what his penis looked like, how he would throw his head back. And he liked that I had touched him when I was fighting, trying to get him off of me. I mean, it was like a movie was playing in my head and it was just constant and I couldn't clear my mind long enough and I didn't have the tools. I Didn't know what to do, how to cope. I have a friend who had worked for Philip and he knew I was struggling with something. I didn't tell him about Guatemala, but he said, my mother in law sees a hypnotherapist. He proceeded to tell me about his mother in law who was allergic to anesthesia and needed to have her wisdom teeth pulled. And she went to a hypnotherapist and he said this guy helped her overcome not only the fact that she couldn't take anesthesia of any kind, but all of the anxiety and any pain that she is going to have from the surgery. And I don't know what's going on with you, but here's his name and address and what if you go see him? That was a life changing moment. He turned out to be one of the world's foremost authorities on hypnosis and he worked a lot with the government. The most challenging thing for me was to be able just to relax because I was always expecting the other shoe to drop. The biggest breakthrough was just being able to let go enough that if there was a movie on television, I could pay attention. There was a long time that I couldn't read a book at all. I couldn't read newspaper article. And so it was just being able to embrace some snatches of normality. The self hypnosis and guided imagery for several years really helped me get over the trauma that I was facing. It works and it works in a profound way and it changed my life. I gained that confidence of being that powerful Brenda, that strength and independent nature that I knew that I'd always had. I did see another therapist at some point. She said she wanted me in a group for abused women. And I was offended because I said I'm not an abused woman. And she just. I remember she didn't say anything. She just sat there and looked at me. But I remember one of those Monday night groups that she had for abused women. I was there for weeks, just generally being kind of ticked off that I was there because I thought it was a waste of my time. There was a woman who was a meth addict and she was missing teeth. And there was another woman who's an attorney and she was married to an attorney who was abusive. And the light bulb moment for me was realizing we weren't any different. I wasn't any different than the meth addict. We'd all surrendered our power and I can make the decision anytime that I can get off. I don't have to do this. That was a Huge moment for me. It was a big breakthrough. I found my voice. Philip died when I was 37. And you never expect to be widowed at that age. That's a lot to come to terms with. At some point in our lives, we're all going to face something that we fear is going to break us. But I'm here to tell you it won't, because you are stronger. You're stronger than you could ever possibly imagine. And you just need to tap into that with every fiber of your being. And I know that there are people who have been through things that are far worse than what I've been through. Far worse. And I bet you if you talk to them, they've got that same kind of strength. My life has changed tremendously since Philip and Guatemala. And I met a man who was Prince Charming. He believed in God and country and family, and all of that was new to me, and he was in my life for 17 years. He died on Christmas Day. He went out for a run and had a heart problem that we didn't know he had. But he was the rock that I needed that was there to tell me every day. Every day. That man told me, do you know how much your Jimmy loves you? Do you know how much he loves and values and appreciates and adores you? He made me feel unconditionally loved. I thought only dogs and God could do that, but he changed my life. Part of surviving is making sure that we fight to keep ourselves from becoming another victim. Survivorship often means being terrified, absolutely terrified, as you force yourself to take the next step. It may be a step that's so far outside your comfort zone that you can't imagine doing it. Like, one moment the window is closed, and the next you've jumped, hoping the tree will break your fall, but there's no guarantee. But you do it anyway because it's better than the alternative. Sometimes that is survivorship. Finding your voice is a process, and it's speaking out when somebody has done you wrong. It's speaking up for yourself with power. Not defensively, but with power. It's helped me embrace the parts of my life that I surrendered in order to be loved. And I will never do that again. I love a lot of people, but not at my own expense. You know, I've always known that I was strong, even when I was a little girl. And I think role reversing with my mother when I was 12 or 13, hammered that home. You'd go through one trauma, one tough time in your life, and it makes you stronger. When you get to the other side and you say, I did that. I didn't. I didn't know whether I could, but I. I did that. And whether it was Philip Ray or the Big Six Tobacco Company or Romeo in the Jungle or breast cancer, I'm still here. And for everybody who's been through something they didn't think they could make it through, you're still here. And so I hope that we all make sure that we honor our own strength and the power of our strength and our Voice Foreign.
- [70:39]
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Featured Brenda Coffey her memoir, published in May of this year, is called Maya Blue. It's a True Story of Love, cocaine, Big tobacco, Abduction, and survival. Nominated for the 2025 Kirkus Prize and included a Maria Shriver's 2025 Summer Reads list. If you'd like to reach out to Brenda, her email, website and socials are in the Show Notes from Wondery you're listening to this Is Actually Happening. If you love what we do, please rate and review the show. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music or on the Wondery app to listen ad free and get access to the entire back catalog. In the Episode Notes Here you'll find some links and offers from our sponsors. By supporting them, you help us bring you our show for free. I'm your host Wit Misseldine. Today's episode was co produced by me, Andrew Waitz and Aviva Lipkowicz with special thanks to the this Is Actually Happening team including Ellen Westberg. The opening music features the song Sleep Paralysis by Scott Velasquez. You can join the community on the this Is Actually Happening discussion group on Facebook or follow us on Instagram Actually Happening on the show's website thisisactually happening dot com. You can find out more about the podcast. Contact us with any questions, submit your own story or visit the store where you can find this Is Actually Happening designs on stickers, T shirts, wall art, hoodies and more. That's thisisactuallyhappening.com and finally, if you'd like to become an ongoing supporter of what we do, go to page patreon.com happening even 2 to $5 a month goes a long way to support our vision. Thank you for listening. If you like this Is Actually Happening, you can listen to every episode ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey@wondery.com survey.
- [72:50]
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On Boxing Day 201820 year old joy Morgan was last seen at her church, Israel United in Christ, or iuic. I just went on my Snapchat and I just see her face plastered everywhere. This is the missing sister, the true story of a woman betrayed by those she trusted most.
- [73:10]
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IUIC is my family and like the.
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Best family that I've ever had.
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But IUIC isn't like most churches.
- [73:17]
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This is a devilish cult. You know when you get that feeling like you just, I don't want to be here. I want to get out. It's like that feeling of like, I want to go hang out.
- [73:27]
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I'm Charlie Brinkcoast Cuff and after years of investigating Joy's case, I need to know what really happened happen to Joy. Binge all episodes of the Missing Sister exclusively and ad free right now on Wondery plus. Start your free trial of Wondery plus on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or in the Wondery app.