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- [00:00]
Wit Misseldine
Wonder plus subscribers can listen to exclusive episodes of this Is Actually Happening by joining Wonder plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. This Is Actually Happening features real experiences that often include traumatic events. Please consult the Show Notes for specific content warnings on each episode and for more information about support services.
- [00:28]
Polly Vickery
I just felt like I was living in this weird alternative universe. And then every now and again it would hit me that this isn't a weird alternative universe. This is now your life.
- [00:46]
Wit Misseldine
From Wondery, I'm Wit Misseldine. You're listening to this Is actually happening, episode three 376 what if a car crash shattered your world?
- [01:13]
Marisa's Brand Announcer
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- [02:45]
Polly Vickery
My dad's dad died when he was quite young and he had to go out to work. He started working as a chef and then he went on to become a baker, and I believe that's what he was doing when he met my mum. My mum was a window dresser, so she used to travel around all the shops changing all the window displays, dressing all the models, making all the shops look nice. They were together for about 10 years before they had me and my twin sister Charlotte. We were born in Bristol and it's just the two of us. We're not identical twins, but we look similar and a lot of people say that you can't tell us apart on the phone. When we were at school, they kept trying to put us in different classes, so they tried to keep us separate, but we always ended up having very similar friends and Spending a lot of our time together. So they didn't really do very well at keeping us apart. We've always been really close, I'd say probably had a really lovely childhood, sort of how you would imagine living in, like, the English countryside. We were always outdoors all summer. My mum and dad had a really happy marriage. They had a few rows and disagreements, like everyone does, but our house was really happy and we all got on really well. My mum stayed at home to look after us and my dad would be in the bakery. He did work six days a week and we used to go to the bakery as well with him. And we'd be there, like, packing Christmas puddings, packing Easter biscuits, hot cross buns. We always had lots of family around us, like our granny and granddad, cousins and aunties and uncles as well. We never really wanted for anything and we went on holidays to Spain and Portugal and places like that. I think we were always aware that we were lucky in that sense, though, because my dad came from quite a hard background. With his dad dying when he was young, it was difficult for them and they didn't have a lot of money, so we weren't spoiled in that sense. But I was always aware that we were quite lucky and we were quite privileged. We were pretty happy children. My sister Charlotte actually was much more academic than me, so she did really well at school, whereas I was more kind of arty. She was the clever one and I was like the funny one. We used to go and see bands a couple of nights a week, so it was always really exciting and there was always lots of stuff going on and our friends were all in bands as well, so they'd go on tour and sometimes we'd go with them or we'd go and meet them in different places. It was a really fun time being a teenager. Our senior school was a all girls school and girls were starting to develop, getting boyfriends and meeting boys. But I was quite a late blossomer in life. And also I had terrible hair. And it was before the time that you had hair straighteners and hair products that could make your hair look nice. So I always had it cut quite short. And this was the 80s, so I had really short hair and very flat chest. And I looked a lot like a boy, so no one ever fancied me, no one ever asked me out. Not popular with boys at all. And then we left school and went to college. But even then I was very unsuccessful with the opposite sex. Every boy that I liked never liked me, being constantly rejected by anyone that I Liked was quite profound. As a teenage girl, when you're really insecure about yourself and. And every time you like someone, they never like you back. It was quite difficult. And then it also felt double painful that everyone always seemed to like my sister and never like me. But I think it did have an effect on just making me think, oh, sod it, I'm just going to be independent, I'm going to do my own thing, not going to worry about meeting someone. I'm just going to focus on studying and not keep worrying about why nobody ever seems to fancy me. I went to Filton College in Bristol to do my A levels and so did Charlotte. She went on to do fashion design and I went on to do photography at different universities in London. After university, I went to work for Agents Provocateur, the underwear company, and then from there I went on to work in lots of different jobs in fashion and production. I was working at the time and I went home for the weekend back to Bristol, and I was actually seeing someone else a little bit at the time and we went out to the pub that night and he didn't turn up when he was supposed to be meeting me. I went off to a nightclub with all my friends and he then turned up and said that he was sorry but he didn't really like me and he kind of got a bit carried away and he didn't want to go out with me. Story of my life. So I think I went to the bar and downed a load of shots and then I said to my sister, right, let's go and dance on the dance floor. So we went off dancing and I saw this guy out of the corner of my eye sort of looking at me. So I went over to him and started, like dancing with him and I could see the other guy that I had told me he didn't want to go out with me looking. So I was just thinking, yeah, I'm going to make him jealous now. And that's how I met Lawrence. Trying to annoy somebody else. He just seemed quite gentle and kind. He did take my number. We went on a first date and it was a friend actually had a gig in Notting Hill and we had a really good first date. Probably like the best first date you could have. We lived together with my sister and his friend in a really damp, horrible basement flat that was just awful. And he hated his job, I hated my job, the flat was horrible and the whole thing was an absolute disaster. We were in our early 20s and we broke up then after living together we had about six months apart, then we got back together eventually after me trying to persuade him a lot that we were definitely a good couple. He wasn't having it at all for quite a while. But I was persistent at this point. When we got back together then, that's when I feel like we were really a proper couple. And then we moved in together. That was a really nice time in my life and it was a really nice time in our relationship as well. I started my business, he was much happier in the job that he was doing and we were both growing together. It was really good. I look back at that time with very fond memories. So we'd been together for 10 years and he hadn't proposed and everyone else that had got together after us had got married and then we kept going to weddings and people kept pulling like sad faces at me, like, how long have you two been together? When we got back together after our bit of hiccup, it was very much me that chased him. And being a teenager that no one ever liked and no one ever wanted to go out with, I thought just once I want to be the one being chased and asked. So I was holding out on asking him. I just didn't want to be the chaser. So it got very near to our 10 year anniversary and we booked a trip to New York, Vegas and la. So it was a big trip and everyone was saying, do you think he's going to propose? Do you think he's going to propose? And I was like, well, I think he will, but I don't know. He was sort of his own entity really. You could never really put your finger on exactly where he was and what he was thinking. I thought if he was going to do it on that trip, he would do it at the top of the Empire State Building. And we booked to go up the top of the Empire State Building at sunset. We went up and he didn't do it. And I thought, right, that's it, he's not going to do it now on this trip. I scone with the holiday then and had a really nice time and we went to Death Valley. And Lawrence was a very big Star wars fan and I think one of the scenes from Star wars was filmed there. So we went out in the morning to look at the salt plains in Death Valley. And we got there and he kept wanting to climb up further and further up this kind of rocky mountain. And he just kept trying to get away from other people and get up higher and higher. And I was getting more and more annoyed with him and I was like, right, I'm sitting on this rock and I turned around and he's like scrabbling around on the floor. I was like, what are you doing? And then he pulled out this ring. But it wasn't a diamond engagement ring that you would expect. It was a plastic ring with a chihuahua's head on top because we actually had a Chihuahua at the time and he proposed with it and I was so surprised because I didn't think it was happening. I really didn't think it was going to happen. It was a real shock when he did it and it was really nice. My dad actually offered his mum's engagement ring, really beautiful three Stone trilogy engagement ring. So I'm really pleased that I had such a special ring as well. After the plastic Chihuahua.
- [13:37]
Wit Misseldine
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- [14:33]
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- [15:15]
Polly Vickery
We got married at Hackney Town hall and we had a red London bus that picked everybody up and took them to a pub in the city. It was a really good day. I never saw myself as having children. It wasn't really anything that I particularly longed after Mostly it just looked really hard work, which it is. I think if Lawrence hadn't wanted to have children, we maybe wouldn't have had them. But he was quite keen, and I just thought, well, we've got on so well. Let's give it a go and let's try. Was about a year and nothing was really happening. And then there was one day when I was supposed to be ovulating, and he was incredibly hungover from going out, but the app says we've got to do it, so we're doing it. And then the next month that turned out to be the one that worked. I was like, oh, my God, this is actually happening now I've committed to this. Even though I was really nervous about the whole thing, it did feel like there was a new chapter coming. And Lawrence was so happy that it was just a really fun adventure that we were about to go on together. We had a few discussions around names, and actually Max was the only name that me and Lawrence could both agree on. It wasn't that long before I was due that they suddenly realized that he hadn't turned around. So they eventually decided that they should book me in for a caesarean. We got them, and it turned out we were the second person that morning to go in. They made the cut, and then eventually they got him out, and it was very quiet. There was no crying, nothing going on. And then suddenly there was a flurry of nurses and people all over the other side of the room, and we didn't know what was going on. And Lawrence went off over there. And I think it happens a lot with caesarean babies. The liquid isn't squeezed out of their lungs, so he had a lot of liquid in his lungs. He may have been a little bit touch and go for maybe a couple of seconds or a minute, but they brought him over and he was all wrapped up, and he was so calm and quiet and just lovely. And he held out a little finger, and I just felt like the most love I've ever felt for anything in my whole life. It was so magical and nice. And Lawrence was there and he was crying and I was crying. I know they say it's like the best day of her life, having a baby, but it really was. It was so amazing having him. I do remember that first week thinking, what have we done? This is terrible. It was all just a strange blur of very hot weather, sleepless nights. He was just in a weird bubble. And then it all kind of got better. Annie became more awake and alert, and Lawrence had to go back to work after two weeks. But he just took to being a father really well. Every day with Max was like a new day for Lawrence. Like new fun, new things for Max to learn. He was so excited by it all. And then around 10 months was when we thought, okay, maybe we can do a holiday now and it won't be really stressful. So we decided to go to France and my parents were going to come with us. We drove through France to Brittany, and I think we'd had one or two days of the holiday and we decided that we'd go to this ancient walled city. And we did that with my parents. Max, at that point, was absolutely obsessed with trying to walk. So everyone was starting to get slightly annoyed with him because everyone had to hold him up so he could take his tiny little steps. He wanted to do that everywhere. So we had lunch and then it was getting towards his nap time. So me and Lawrence thought, well, let's put him in the car and we can drive him back to where we're staying so he can have a nap, because he was still so young. I was in the back of the car with him and Lawrence was driving. It was quite narrow country roads around there. I remember starting to just sort of drop off. I was in that kind of weird half awake, half asleep phase. And I closed my eyes. I just remember feeling like I'd gone over on a roller coaster. And then I opened my eyes and I could see Lawrence's head was on the steering wheel. And I sort of opened my eyes and I said, lawrence, I just had the weirdest dream. I. I feel like I was asleep. I mean, I must have been knocked unconscious and come round. So I was really confused. But I could see a white fabric around the steering wheel, which was the airbag. And then I looked over at Max and he was fast asleep. And I just. I couldn't work out what was going on. I could kind of hear shouting going on around me. And I sort of reached out to. To touch Max and he wasn't moving. That's sort of when I started to realize something terrible has happened here in this car. I don't know what. And I was trying to stand up, but I was completely crushed between the seats. I kept feeling like stuff on my face and I was wiping the stuff off my face. And then I looked down at my hand and there was blood all over my hands. And then I could hear these men shouting. One of them stuck their head inside the car and they were talking in French. They were pulling Lawrence out of the car and Then I was really starting to panic because I couldn't move. And even then I couldn't really comprehend what had happened. The logical part of my brain was saying, I think Max is dead. Lawrence has knocked himself out on the steering wheel, but he'll be okay. But even then I was just, no, this can't be happening. This can't be happening. And then I was definitely started shouting at some point about my baby. I couldn't say his name. I just couldn't say his name. And I just kept saying, I think my baby's dead. I think my baby's dead. And then this man, somehow I think he must have. I think he either opened the side of the car door or he pulled Lawrence's seat forward. And they pulled the car seat with maps in it out. And I think I may have been in and out of consciousness. And I remember saying to them. I remember saying to them, is my baby dead? Is he dead? And they just wouldn't answer me. They wouldn't give me an answer. And I just wanted to know. I knew already. I already knew, but they wouldn't. They wouldn't give me an answer. And that's all I kept saying. And then eventually they said yes. And then I started trying to get out the car. I kept trying to get up and they kept saying, you can't move. You have to sit still. So ridiculous. I was worried about where my mum and dad were. And I was thinking, they're not going to know where we are. And then I have this vague recollection of, like, light and things coming off. From what I know afterwards, they'd cut the roof off the top of the car. At some point, I was on a stretcher and there were bright lights and I could hear, like, a helicopter. And then the next thing I know, I was waking up in the hospital. I remember waking up and my parents were there. There was a doctor there, and I was just wired up to loads of machines. And I just remember seeing my mum and dad's face. And it was just. It was awful. And I couldn't talk because of the tube that had been down my throat for my breathing. So they gave me this board with a pen. And the first thing I wrote on it was, where's Lawrence? My mum and dad couldn't tell me. And the doctor said, I'm really sorry that Lawrence has died. He didn't survive the car accident that you were in. I just couldn't believe it. I just thought, no. He knocked his head out on the steering wheel and he'd Passed out. When I remember being in the car, I remember thinking, okay, this is really, really bad, but Lawrence is okay, and whatever's gone on here, we can get through this. We've been together for so long that we'll be okay. And then when they told me in the hospital that he died. How can you even comprehend that? I was just in this hospital bed. I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything, I couldn't talk. Everyone was talking in French. My pelvis was completely broken, my hips were broken, I had severed nerves, I couldn't lift my arms. And I remember my mum had to spoon feed me. I was just thinking, how am I? Less than a week ago, spoon feeding my baby, and now I'm here in this hospital bed with no Max, no Lawrence, and my mum is spoon feeding me. Some point over that first few days after I woke up, I remember some policemen coming into my room where I was, and they were asking me questions about what I remembered about Lawrence's driving. Was he like a competent driver? Was he a careful driver? Lawrence was a very careful driver. And then as it sort of unfolded, it turned out that we were hit by a cattle truck. So one of those huge trucks. We were coming up to a junction at the end of the road and Lawrence had slowed down to turn left. And what had happened was the driver of the cattle truck, he was speeding, so he was going too fast. He said that the sun was in his eyes and he wasn't paying attention, that he was coming up to a junction and he didn't see the car and he just went straight into the back of our car. And we were pushed into the bushes of the road. And the car was like a concertina. It was just completely and utterly crushed from the back. And actually Lawrence, with the force that he hit the steering wheel and the airbag, he knocked himself out. But he also had a heart attack from the trauma of being hit. They put him onto a life support machine, but because of the heart attack, he'd been starved of oxygen. So they were just keeping him alive and they had to make the decision to turn his machine off. While I was still in the coma. His brother had flown out, so his brother was with him when it happened. Max had broken his neck. He'd already fallen asleep in the car. And I just hoped that he was just asleep the whole time and he never knew what was happening. I think it was about two weeks. They said, we're going to try and fly you home. Thank God we had travel insurance as well, because everything was Paid for and covered. My sister came over with Sha, her partner. My mom and dad were still there. So these two paramedics turned up and we went in this tiny little airplane and they flew me back to Bristol. And it was just so nice to get back more for my parents than anything as well, just so they could go home, you know, I mean, I didn't have a home anymore that was gone, but just so they could go home. When I was at Southmead Hospital, that's when I needed the operations to try and repair my pelvis. And there was a surgeon there, Mr. Acharya, he was a pelvic and hip specialist. He pinned everything back together. So I haven't got any fake hips or bones. I'm just all very much pinned together. They didn't really know how it was going to go because no one's ever done it before. But I remember waking up from that second operation and the pain was so intense. It felt like my whole body was on fire. Like the only thing you could think about. There was no like getting away from it or distracting yourself from it. I think everything at that moment just hit me as well. And I just like let it all go. And that poor nurse sat next to me all night holding my hand, just telling me it was going to be okay. We both knew it wasn't going to be okay, but it was so nice of her to tell me that it was going to be okay. I had to stay non weight bearing for three months. So it was three months of not being able to walk. And I did go back to my mum and dad's and had to be in a wheelchair and that was just horrible. It was really hard grieving for both of them at the same time. The loss of Max was so overwhelming that there was almost like no room for me to think about losing Lawrence as well. I just felt such overwhelming loss for Max. It's like your whole like physical body is longing for him. It wasn't just like mental. It felt like this physical like pull where I had to have him with me, but he wasn't there. And it was so painful, like physically painful. And every like fiber of my body was like longing to like hold him. And then sometimes just actually being annoyed at Lawrence as well that he wasn't there to help me pick up the pieces. Great. Thanks Lawrence. So Max isn't here and neither are you. We had this strange conversation before Max was born. I think if I said it to anyone at the time, they would have thought it was a really strange conversation to Have I remember saying to Lawrence just before he was born, what if I don't like him? What happens if I don't want to be a mum? And Lawrence was like, but you will. Of course you're gonna like him. He's gonna be your son. He's our baby. And I said, yeah, but what. What if I don't Lawrence? And Lawrence said, well, then I'll have to look after him and I'll have him. And I was like, what? So you just leave me for him? And Lawrence is like, yes, of course I would. He's my son. And I was like, but you don't even know him. You haven't even met him. You don't know whether you're gonna like him. And then after the accident, I had conversation. I was just like, that's what he did. It wasn't in the circumstances that I didn't like him and I didn't want to have him, but I feel like that's what happened. Like, he went to look after Max and he left me to look after Max, just like he said he would. And I'm glad that he did. Even though I needed him and I needed him to look after me. They went together and he went to look after him. So he's not on his own. And that whole really strange conversation that we had actually turned out to be a good one because I feel like maybe he did have a choice, but he decided that he was gonna go because he had to be with Max. And I'm glad that they are together, but my God, I was pissed off that they left me here to pick up all the pieces. And then there was kind of like a two pronged attack where I'd miss Lawrence, or I'd miss Max, or I miss both of them. But I think I was just living in this really strange world where they weren't there anymore. I just felt like I was living in this weird alternative universe. And then every now and again, it would hit me that this isn't a weird alternative universe. This is now your life. And then at night, it would be really hard to sleep because I'd just be thinking about, like, how the hell did I get here? What's happened? Like, how did this have this happen? Sometimes it just feels like it can't have been real. And sometimes I think maybe I just imagined them. Maybe they weren't even real. But I know that they were. And even eight years later, it still hurts. And you'd think, you think it's going to get better and time's going to heal you. And it does, in many ways it makes you feel better. But I still miss them every day. There was a lot of guilt around how I was feeling. I just felt like it was my fault or that if we'd done something different, anything different that day, we could have just avoided being in that place at that time. And I felt like it was my fault that he wasn't here anymore and that his mum and dad didn't have him anymore. Because if we'd have just not gone to France or if we'd have just done something different that day or we'd not stopped at the beach on the way home, my life, their life, everyone's lives would have been entirely different. And it was really hard in those, especially in those early days where I was couldn't get out of bed and I couldn't really do much not to just keep going over and over like how things could have been different and how any decision could have saved their lives or made things different and a different outcome that day and that I would be living an entirely different life now and this life that I know now would never have existed. Just like guilty for everything really. Like what happens if when we broke up when we were younger, I'd never got back together with him? Or what if I earned more money and we had a more expensive holiday? Or any of those hundreds of different scenarios that could have made that anchor different. It's that butterfly effect, isn't it? And I kept thinking like when did the process of this accident happen? Was it when we were booking the holiday? Was it when we were on the ferry? Was it when we woke up that morning? At what point did that chain of cause and effect start? You can just go on forever, can't you? With how it began was if I'd never gone out that night and met Lawrence in that nightclub, I never would have met him and then this would never have happened to him. When I was at my mom and dad's house and I couldn't walk, just watching TV all day and in and out of like sleeping cuz I was so tired. I just could have so easily just came killed myself. But I couldn't do it. I could see my mum and dad and my sister and Lawrence's mum and dad and Lawrence's brother. I just couldn't do it to them even though I really wanted to just to go and just to be with them. So I just thought, oh, I just have to keep going. So I rented a house around the corner from a my sister and I got A dog as well, which was really good because it gave me a reason to get up and do exercise and start trying to walk better. But I found, like, having a routine was really good. Sort of really helped me, like, build, like, more structure around my days to then start thinking about the future and what I was going to do next with the rest of my life. My twin sister, she's always been there when I needed her. She would come over my house and stay in my bed. When I couldn't sleep on my own, I would spend way too much time at their house, and I would have to sleep in the same bed as her because I just couldn't put her to be on my own. And she's had to also have the switch in the relationship where I was always the strong one and I was always the one that was helping her and supporting her. And then it suddenly turned where I needed her much more than she needed me and my parents as well. Like, you know, who's going to look after you and, you know, who's there for you at your worst time? And it was my mum and dad, and it was my sister. One of the things that helped me heal was going to see a therapist. He was really good at sort of pinpointing things that maybe I hadn't realized or I hadn't noticed, like, managing everybody else, managing how everybody else felt. I always felt like I was the one that was the strong one, and I was the one that always sorted everything out for everybody and the person that people came to. And then suddenly my role in the family was completely different. I was the one that needed help. And then I felt like I was also still trying to manage everybody else's feelings, trying not to make everybody too upset, trying not to, like, show how badly I was doing sometimes, because I didn't want everybody to keep worrying about me. I had to, you know, think about myself and not be worrying about everybody else all the time. I also joined a group for young widows that was really helpful. We would meet up and have dinners, and it was just really nice to be surrounded by other people that had lost partners when they were young. And I went to a group for people that had lost children. And it took me quite a long time to go to that because I was worried that I was going to go and be surrounded by couples. I didn't really want to just sit and listen to couples who had each other. And I know that sounds horrible, but I was just so felt like I was so alone with not having Lawrence and no one to talk to about Max. But when I went to the group, it was actually full of all sorts of different people. People that had lost children who were older, people that had lost children that were young, people who were single parents. And that really helped as well. The hardest thing for me is having to deal with my complete lack of patience. And that's been something I think I've always had as a child. I know my mum and dad have always said I'm horribly impatient. My sister says it, Lawrence said it, my husband now Ben says it. I just want everything immediately and I don't want to wait for it and I want it now. But I can't fix it and I can't fix them not being here and I can't fix my body not working. You do read a lot of things, don't you? They say time is a healer and you know things will get better and of course they have. But I think the hardest thing is accepting now that this is what's happened and there's no changing it. And I'm always going to be the person whose husband and son are not coming home.
- [42:02]
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- [43:27]
Polly Vickery
So I was 38. It was my friend's 30th birthday and she'd moved to Australia. This is when I was walking better, and I decided I was going to go to Australia for her 30th birthday. And I think it was just being able to travel and to do something by myself after everything had happened, and to know that I could still do things like that and I was capable of, like, getting on airplanes and being in, like, big cities on my own. So that was a real turning point, I think. And that's when I decided that when I came back from that trip, I was going to try and have another baby on my own. I went to the clinic to have a fertility test, and it came back that I had a low egg reserve, which could have been why it took me so long to get pregnant with Max. And I didn't want to even, like, begin a relationship with someone with that level of pressure on it as well. So I thought, I'll get a sperm donor. It just felt a bit like I had a future and I had something to look forward to again, and it was just really exciting. So two years and a month after the accident, Florence was born. In 2019, when Florence was born, she was quite a different experience to when I had Max. She came out kicking and screaming and clawing, and I was quite shocked. I wasn't expecting it, because when I had Max, he was so calm and quiet, and she was like this crazed creature. And I thought, oh, my God, what have I done? What have I done? And then she calmed down. It felt really surreal to have her after having Max and being on my own with her. It was really positive and overjoyed to help her, but it came with a lot of emotions and sadness as well. One of the most difficult parts about having her was her first birthday, because that was something that Max never had. And they have very unfortunate birthdays where they're only a couple of days apart. So I go from her birthday, and then three days later, it's Max birthday. And I always really struggle with that time of year. But having her has been amazing, and she is incredible. And if Max was anything like her, he would have been incredible, too. I'd met Ben around the time that I started doing ivf. We were friends, and around that time, we. We'd kind of gone out a little bit, and there was something between us, but we decided that we were just gonna stay friends because of everything that was happening. So I just kind of kept him at arm's length at that point. And then after I had Florence, he came to me and said, that he wanted to be a family with me and Florence and he wanted to give our relationship a go. And I was very skeptical because already in my head, I was determined it was going to be me and Florence. But after four or five years, Ben did finally adopt Florence, so he officially became her dad. It was really special. It felt like we were a proper family and I felt more like he was her dad. I think he does find it difficult because it can be quite hard for him to step into, like, a role where he's kind of in competition with someone that's no longer around and is always seen in a very positive light. But most of the time he takes it quite well and he's quite accepting of it. He lets me have those days where I need to just be in bed and can't do anything. And then on times when it's Max's birthday or Lawrence's birthday or wedding anniversaries or the anniversary of the accident, he just allows me to have my space and my time. He's good at just keeping everything else going. I talked to Florence about how she was made. We've actually got a book that we read called My Mummy Made Me, which she quite likes reading. And it's about how Mummy went to a clinic and got a seed from a donor and made her. And how she's special because Mummy made her all by herself and she wanted her. I've always wanted to make it really normal for her. I've got picture of me and Max in our living room and I've got a big picture of them up in the hallway. So they have a presence in our lives here. And I talk about them a lot. My relationship with Lawrence's parents has really been an unexpected gift. I always got on with them, but after the accident, it was really hard with them because I felt so, so guilty as well. Like, I felt like I'd taken their son away from them and it was my fault. But over the years, and having had Florence and spending more time with them, my relationship with them has really grown and they absolutely love Florence and that's a really nice relationship. Florence and Lawrence's dad, Ron, are quite a pair together, so that's really nice and. And she sometimes gets confused and calls them, like, Granny and Granddad. She just loves having, like, people around her that love her. And I think that's been an unexpected gift that I wouldn't have imagined happening. I think. I never thought that anything bad could happen to me. I used to get really drunk, walk home from tube stations late at Night, me and my sister went off to India and just went up some mountain somewhere on our own. And we were stupid. We knew that bad things could happen, and we were careful. But I just had that carefree attitude. And I never, ever thought that something as terrible as what happened to me was ever going to happen. Now I live in a world where I know that terrible things can happen. And I know the pain and, like, the suffering that goes on. And I think that that's changed something in me. I feel very much like there was, like, a before the accident and after the accident, and they're just, like two completely different lives. I'm still me, and I'm still the old me. But I'm definitely very different to who I was. I will never be that person anymore that doesn't have that carefree attitude. But sometimes I just look at other people and I just think, I wish I was you. I wish that I could be you and not know what I know. Not have been through what I've been through. I wish I could just be that person again and not be the person that I am. There's the physical level, and the physical is difficult because even now, I'm not mobile like I used to be. And then there's, like, the mental and emotional, like, scars. I just always miss them. I miss being able to talk to Lawrence and then missing Max and then missing out on, like, who he was. Like, I'm never gonna know who he was. And then it's bittersweet because Florence is growing up and she's becoming this, like, incredible little person. And I can't help thinking, what would he be like now? It always reminds me of what I missed out on with him. And I'm sure he would have been just as incredible as Florence. I do feel like I still have a long way to go. But then at the same time, I kind of think I'm never gonna go back to the person that I was. I kind of have to come to terms with accepting that this is always gonna be with me. But in your darkest times, and no matter how terrible things might seem at the time, there is, like, always a reason to keep trying and that you can not turn things around, because I'm never going to be able to just say, oh, that happened. It's fine. I'm, like, really happy now, and I can forget about all that. But there is a way to turn things around, and you can find a way to move forward. And you won't always feel the grief that you do now, and it will always be with you. But it is possible to climb out of that really dark place and find a way to be happy. The worst thing has now happened, hopefully, and nothing else is ever going to be as bad as that again. And I've survived it. So everything else, I should be okay and I should be able to cope with, and I will continue to grow. I do think I have come out of it a better person because I think I always thought in a situation, if anything ever happened to, like, Lawrence or Max or anyone in my family, I would, like, hunt them down and find them. And I didn't really think I was able to forgive. I thought maybe I was a person that wasn't particularly forgiving and not always very kind. Maybe. Maybe that's me being a bit hard on myself. But since the accident, the man that was the cause of the accident, I do feel like I am able to forgive him for what he did, even though it was his fault and it's been proven that it was his fault. I, like, as a human, know that he didn't mean to do it. He's suffering himself after what he did, having to live with that. And I know he is, from what he said when we had the trial and everything. And I do forgive him and I do feel like kindness to him and I don't want this to have ruined his life as well as my life and everyone else's. And I didn't think that I would be capable of having that kind of level of kindness or that level of forgiveness. I think I'm just more understanding of people's situations and also understanding that maybe sometimes when someone's acting a certain way or doing something, perhaps we don't always know what's going on in their lives that's making them do that. Because to normal people, out in the street, when I was walking around, I probably look like I'm fine. But you never really know what's going on behind at home or what people have got going on in their lives. So I think I am a lot more understanding and a lot more sympathetic to people. I'm eternally happy and grateful that I've got to have Florence and that I've had another chance to be a mum. And I know not everybody gets that, but I know that it's never going to fix everything, but it does bring me happiness. And I am so grateful that I've been able to have her. And I think I've learned that life is really out of our control. And as much as you can do things to alleviate yourself, being in dangerous situations. You never know what's around the corner and you can't always see what's coming. You have to just enjoy everything in life and live each day as it comes. Really pea shade, but be able to just enjoy the little things, going on walks and enjoy the people in your life that love you. Being able to travel if you can, to do all of those things that I felt like at one point I was never ever going to get to do again. Even being able to go to work, I found was something that felt like a really big turning point. Just being able to be normal and to be able to be in the world. Contributing and enjoying life is something that we all take for granted. And even I take it for granted. But I really, really try not to. And I really try to just stop, slow down, take each day as it comes and enjoy living in the moment.
- [57:09]
Wit Misseldine
Today's episode featured Poly Vickery. If you'd like to reach out to Polly, you can find her email and socials in the show Notes from Wondery. You're listening to this Is Actually Happening. If you love what we do, please rate and review the show. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music or on the Wondery app to listen ad free and get access to the entire back catalog. In the episode notes you'll find some links and offers from our sponsors. By supporting them, you help us bring you our show for free. I'm your host Wit Misseldine. Today's episode was co produced by me, Andrew Waits, Ellen Westburg and Aviva Lit Kuwait's with special thanks to the this Is Actually Happening team. The opening music features the song Sleep Paralysis by Scott Velasquez. You can join the community on the this Is Actually Happening discussion group on Facebook or follow us on Instagram Actually Happening on the show's website thisisactually happening.com you can find out more about the podcast. Contact us with any questions, submit your own story or visit the store where you can find this Is Actually Happening designs on stickers, T shirts, wall art, hoodies and more. That's thisisactually happening.com and finally, if you'd like to become an ongoing supporter of what we do, go to patreon.com happening even 2 to $5 a month goes a long way to support our vision. Thank you for listening. If you like this Is Actually Happening, you can listen to every episode ad free right now by joining Wondery in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music before you go tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey@wondery.com survey hey everybody, it's Nicole Byer.
- [59:05]
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Polly Vickery
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- [59:31]
Polly Vickery
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