378: What if your private nightmare was also theirs?

Summary

Podcast Summary: This Is Actually Happening – Episode 378

"What if your private nightmare was also theirs?"

Date: October 7, 2025 | Host: Wit Misseldine | Guest: Amy Irvine

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Overview

In this powerful episode of This Is Actually Happening, Amy Irvine shares her harrowing, deeply personal journey through childhood trauma, a psychologically abusive marriage, and the shocking realization that her private nightmare was one shared by others. Irvine recounts her life’s unraveling through manipulation, betrayal, and violence, culminating with the exposure of her husband as a serial sexual predator. The episode is a raw testament to survival, the complexities of trauma bonding, and the transformational journey from victimhood to self-love.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Amy's Childhood and Family Dynamics

Timestamps: [02:45]–[10:45]

• Raised in Edinburgh, Scotland, Amy describes an outwardly privileged upbringing that fractured with her parents' divorce.
• Her mother, a nurse, is painted as narcissistic and manipulative, fostering Amy’s dependency and controlling her through fear, negative talk, and disordered eating.
• Quote: "For her, control was more important than connection. And I think even though I was just a child, she really relished in, you know, my kind of obsession with her." – Amy ([05:02])
• Her father, a trade unionist, is characterized as moral and hardworking but was demonized by Amy’s mother.
• Childhood set up patterns of low self-worth, shame, disordered eating, and emotional dependency.

2. Relationship Blueprint and Early Romantic Experiences

Timestamps: [10:45]–[11:44]

• Amy’s teen relationships mirrored her mother’s manipulations – boyfriends shamed her body, and she equated mistreatment with love.
• Quote: "To me, it's almost like that type of treatment was love, because that's how my mother treated me." – Amy ([09:59])
• Internalized blame and shame, feeling that "you just kind of exist for other people to control."

3. Escaping to University & Self-Discovery

Timestamps: [11:05]–[11:47]

• University in England offers Amy a sense of reinvention and the beginnings of self-identity.
• A year abroad in Tokyo, Japan, solidifies newfound confidence and autonomy.

4. Meeting and Falling for Steve – Love, Dependency, and Red Flags

Timestamps: [11:47]–[18:00]

• Meets Steve at a Halloween party in Japan. Their immediate connection and closeness lead to deep emotional dependency.
• Long-distance strain after returning to their homes, Amy reflects, "I had come to depend on him in ways that I don't think I even anticipated." ([12:50])
• Infidelity revelations emerge slowly, with Steve turning blame onto Amy and positioning himself as the victim.
• Amy’s confusion and guilt solidify: “He’s always the victim, and I need to be there for him.” ([18:15])
• Against her gut feeling, she moves forward with the relationship, leading to marriage.

5. Marriage, Isolation, and Escalating Abuse

Timestamps: [18:04]–[27:20]

• Instances of sexual coercion, emotional manipulation, and Amy’s increasing dissociation.
• The cycle of guilt, shame, and placation keeps Amy in the relationship. “Outside of all the kind of sex life stuff, things were fine. And they seemed even better when I compared them to the bad times. So good moments would keep me tethered.” ([22:00])
• Moves to Oregon, further isolation, and increased pressure for sex.
• Steve’s manipulation—using Amy’s pride and fear of exposure—further entrenches the abuse.

6. The Breaking Point: Physical Violence and Detachment

Timestamps: [27:20]–[33:42]

• In 2017, after a humiliating prank, Amy slaps Steve, who responds with a terrifying assault—strangulation and physical violence.
• Quote: "It's like he became a monster. Like, all the light left his eyes." ([27:58])
• Amy comforts him as he cries and blames his actions on childhood trauma—compounding Amy’s shame and self-blame.
• Continued violence, including possible drug-facilitated sexual abuse during the pandemic years.

7. Unraveling the Truth: The Nightmare Was Not Only Hers

Timestamps: [34:10]–[45:16]

• In 2023, Amy is ambushed by visiting family who reveal Steve sexually assaulted two female relatives while they stayed at Amy’s house.
• Most Impactful Quote: "Everything in my life just all kind of collapsed into this one moment, almost like a flipbook. Like the pages of my life just flipped past me all at once and everything kind of made sense, but at the same time, none of it made sense." ([37:48])
• Amy supports her relatives and begins to realize the abuse was systematic and widespread.
• Steve confesses under pressure, is expelled from the home, and Amy launches into action—assembling a list of at least 25 victims, including his high school girlfriend Cecily, who had been silenced for 22 years.

8. Justice and Its Complications: The Legal Battle

Timestamps: [50:00]–[52:58]

• The criminal case begins: originally 15 counts, progress hampered as traumatized victims drop out.
• Steve rejects a plea deal requiring an admission of guilt, resulting in a public trial and eventual conviction on seven counts. He is sentenced to 33 years.
• Quote: "I really think that the reason that he ended up with 33 years is just down to his arrogance. I think his arrogance is what did him in in the end." ([52:58])

9. Transformation and Healing

Timestamps: [56:06]–[61:26]

• Amy openly discusses survivor shame, the lifelong scars of trauma, and shifting that shame onto the perpetrator.
• She found healing through survivor stories and urges the importance of breaking isolation: "If we feel able to speak about it, that we do, because it's women like me telling stories like this that helped me get through it." ([57:33])
• Experiences personal and familial growth, reconnecting and deepening relationships, particularly praising her father's steadfast support.

10. The Journey Forward: Self-Love and Resilience

Timestamps: [61:00]–[62:32]

• Amy summarizes her evolution from victim to survivor, emphasizing self-love, trusting intuition, and the power in seeking and accepting support.
• Quote: "Through all of the trauma over the past 17 years, I have transformed... I've truly become now the person that I always wanted to be." ([59:50])
• “Monsters exist, but so do saviors or heroes or guardians, like the good people who are out there, who will stand up for what's right, even if doing so exposes, you know, their deepest wounds to the world.” ([61:00])
• She urges living life while healing and affirms that experience itself can be healing.

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Notable Quotes

• "For her, control was more important than connection...she really relished in, you know, my kind of obsession with her." – Amy ([05:02])
• "To me, it's almost like that type of treatment was love, because that's how my mother treated me." – Amy ([09:59])
• "He’s always the victim, and I need to be there for him." – Amy ([18:15])
• "It's like he became a monster. Like, all the light left his eyes." – Amy ([27:58])
• "Everything in my life just all kind of collapsed into this one moment, almost like a flipbook...everything kind of made sense, but at the same time, none of it made sense." – Amy ([37:48])
• "I really think that the reason that he ended up with 33 years is just down to his arrogance." – Amy ([52:58])
• "Monsters exist, but so do saviors or heroes or guardians..." – Amy ([61:00])
• "Through all of the trauma over the past 17 years, I have transformed...I've truly become now the person that I always wanted to be." – Amy ([59:50])

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Episode Structure & Important Timestamps

• Childhood and Parental Dynamics: [02:45]–[10:45]
• Teen & Young Adult Relationships: [10:45]–[11:44]
• University & Self-Discovery: [11:05]–[11:47]
• Meeting Steve, Early Red Flags: [11:47]–[18:00]
• Escalation of Abuse: [18:04]–[27:20]
• Physical Violence/Turning Point: [27:20]–[33:42]
• Realization & Family Interventions: [34:10]–[45:16]
• Legal Battles: [50:00]–[52:58]
• Personal Transformation: [56:06]–[61:26]
• Reflections on Healing & Moving Forward: [61:00]–[62:32]

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Tone and Style

Amy’s narrative is raw and confessional, suffused with survivor honesty, hard-earned insight, and gentle hopefulness. The episode’s tone holds space for pain, but ultimately offers empowerment, validation, and solidarity to those who’ve lived through similar experiences.

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Final Reflection

Amy’s story is both a cautionary tale about the insidiousness of trauma bonds and abusers, and a testimony of the possibility of reclaiming one’s voice, identity, and self-worth. This episode offers crucial listening for anyone seeking to understand the profound complexities of abuse—and the importance of both trusting yourself and finding the courage to reach out.

Transcript

[Wondery Announcer]

Wonder plus subscribers can listen to exclusive episodes of this Is Actually Happening by joining Wonder in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

[Wit Misseldine]

This Is Actually Happening features real experiences that often include traumatic events. Please consult the Show Notes for specific content warnings on each episode and for more information about support services.

[Amy Irvine]

Everything in my life just all kind of collapsed into this one moment. Almost like a flip book. Like the pages of my life just flipped past me all at once and everything kind of made sense. But at the same time, none of it made sense.

[Wit Misseldine]

From Wondery, I'm Wit Misseldine. You're listening to this Is actually Happening, episode 378 what if your private nightmare was also theirs?

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[Amy Irvine]

Both my parents are from Scotland. My dad worked for a trade union. He was always a very hard worker. He was always a very moral person. He always stood up for people being marginalized or mistreated. My mom was a nurse, but my mom's an incredibly narcissistic person. I honestly don't really know how my parents were, even a couple. They seem so different. But we grew up pretty well off. I would say we were upper middle class.

We lived in a really, really nice.

House in a nice area of Edinburgh. I have an older sister. We didn't really want for anything as kids.

We had a pretty nice life, I.

Would say, as kids, until their divorce. And then everything just kind of came crashing down. They divorced when I was around 6. They both have either said outright or hinted that the other one was cheating and there was some sort of infidelity going on. It was really difficult. Few years, they were in a constant battle with each other over me and my sister and who could be the best parent. They ended up sleeping in separate rooms, and there was just tension all the time. At some point, my dad moved out. He got a flat in another part of the city, and my mom moved to a different house. And pretty shortly after, she was pregnant with my half brother. My stepdad. I never got on with him. He would quite literally ignore me as a child. I think that my mother would tell me all of these bad things about my dad and about the world. She definitely would try to turn both.

Me and my sister, I think, against my dad.

She would tell us often that he just wanted us because it meant that he would get more money through child support. She would tell us that because he worked long, long hours that he was gone all the time because he didn't care about us. He would tell us that he had a drinking problem, and she just really would demonize him. So we saw him as this monster of a man, you know, from, like, preteen kind of years. I just started to realize that's not actually true, because I'm looking at the.

Way that he would treat me and.

The things that she would say. And those two men weren't the same. My mom, she gave me a lot of issues. Basically, she instilled in me a really, really deep fear of being without her. And so when they divorced, I just had a complete meltdown. And I could not handle being without her. I hated going to school by myself. I hated staying at my dad's house. I always used to think that something bad was going to happen to her or happen to me if we were apart. For her, control was more important than connection. And I think even though I was just a child, she really relished in, you know, my kind of obsession with her. I relied on her for absolutely everything, and I think that she enjoyed that. Growing up, she was the worst cook. And I remember we would sit at the table, you know, to eat dinner. Her, my stepdad, my sister. And I would sit there for hours and hours because I had to clear my plate. Sometimes I would clear my plate, but I would vomit up the food that I had eaten back onto the plate and she would make me eat that too. Before I really understood what an eating disorder was or really had a relationship with my own body. I was already set up to have all sorts of eating disorders and just a really unhealthy relationship towards food and calorie restriction and my weight and how I saw myself. I would walk home from school and I would buy a bunch of candy and I would binge on it. Then I would feel absolutely disgusted with myself. I would make myself throw up or would make myself starve for three days. And so it really did affect my body image. And that was all from her. And of course my sister. She was the golden child, whereas I was the scapegoat. My sister was very, very skinny growing up, so she was always praised for being so thin. And so it really did affect my feelings towards my sister. There was just a lot of. Of jealousy there over time. That sort of insidious attack, especially on a child who's still trying to like, form their own personality and love themselves and value themselves. It just chips away at your identity and your self worth. Your. When I transitioned from primary school to high school, I was a very, very late developer. Everyone else, like, you know, would start their periods around 14 or so. I didn't start until I was 16. I definitely struggled with confidence in those years. I feel like I was kind of a weak person then. I would do things that would go against what I really wanted. Like I just had so little self worth. My first boyfriend was the first person that I ever had sex with. And I had actually broken up with him. And took me a while to kind of muster up the courage to break up with this guy. But once I did, I remember he came over to my house and he told me that he was fine to break up, but he just wanted to finish what he started. So then I was like, okay, well, he's only gonna leave if I have sex with this guy. And so I did. And that's how I lost my virginity. I just felt like ashamed of myself. And that really just solidified in my mind. You just kind of exist for other people to control. My overriding emotion was just a feeling of shame and worthlessness. I was just a really sad kid. I didn't go on any medications, I didn't do counseling or anything like that as a teenager. I just kind of kept it all in. I had another boyfriend in high school after that, from about 17 to 18. It was kind of more of the same. He started out great, kind, and just over time I just Found myself just kind of existing for him. Any sort of body related or food related thing. He would shame me over much in the same way that my mother would. And to me, it's almost like that type of treatment was love because that's how my mother treated me. And you just don't realize at that age that that is not love. I was ashamed of it. And so that's kind of the paradoxical nature of it. Because on the one hand, you know, I'm aware that that's poor treatment and that shouldn't be how you let someone treat you.

But at the same time, it's that.

Whole thing of just feeling like it's so humiliating that you let someone do this to you. I didn't want to tell anyone. So I left high school. I graduated when I was 17 and I went to university in Newcastle in England.

I felt like this is it.

I can reinvent myself. I'm going to be happy, it's going to be a change. I won't have to feel like this anymore. I felt like I was kind of coming into my own. I felt like I was discovering my identity alone because I didn't have any of these attachments or anyone controlling me. And I really did enjoy those first couple of years of university. In my third year of university, I went to Japan because my degree was in sociology and Japanese language. And so I did a year abroad.

At a university in Tokyo.

And I felt again like kind of discovering myself and more and more confident every day. I felt like I was finding my own identity. In October, me and a bunch of my friends in the dorm all went out for Halloween. And that's when I first met Steve. He also went to the same university as me, but he was in a different class. And we got on really, really well. We spent the entire night, you know, eating, drinking, laughing, joking. I remember feeling like he just seemed so open and fun and charismatic. He wasn't like anyone I had met before. And I just felt an instant connection with him. We became really close really, really quickly. We became attached at the hip and that's kind of how we spent the rest of the year. He felt like a safe place, a person that actually respected me and liked me for me. And I had never felt that way until that point. I had always felt like people just would use me, you know, as a means to an end. With him, I felt much more free. The end of the school year came around August of 2009. His home university was in Cincinnati and mine was in Newcastle. But this is too Good to give up without trying. Let's do long distance. And that year was extremely difficult. I had come to depend on him in ways that I don't think I even anticipated. I depended on him for his friendship, for comfort, for validation. I didn't know how to give those things to myself. I couldn't allow myself to ask my friends for help. And I just didn't know how to exist in the same way back in this place without him. Probably within maybe a month or so of getting back. We had a talk on Skype, and he was acting very strangely, and he accused me of having given him an sti. I certainly hadn't given him an STI because I had never had one. And we had never had unprotected sex. So he definitely got this because he had cheated on me. But I naively took that at face value and I didn't question it. And I just said to him, well, get clean, and next time I see you, like, you know, it's fine. And in January 2010, I flew out to Cincinnati to visit him, and he had clean results by that time. And on that trip, his mom flew us out to California for me to meet the extended family. And at some point on that trip, she called me the name Cecily. And I didn't know who that was at the time. I met his whole family. They were all very, very welcoming. Just really, really seemed like salt of the earth people. I had a good time, and then I came back home. I graduated. And so that summer, he and I had both applied to the JET program, an English teaching program. He got in. I didn't, but I managed to get a working holiday visa, which lasted for a year. And so I followed him. I would supplement our income with doing kind of private lessons. But mostly I just became even more isolated and even more dependent on him because I couldn't really leave the house. I couldn't do anything or go anywhere. It was extremely remote. So sometime in the spring of 2011, we'd been together for almost three years at this point. He proposed. And so I said yes. We decided we'll get married in California. And I was totally fine with moving to America. So that's what we decided to do. At some point after that proposal, I was on our shared laptop and on Skype, a message popped up from an ex girlfriend of his, someone he dated when he was at university in his first or second year. And it was a little bit questionable. So I read the rest of the messages, and I discovered some things that just didn't add up from after we had both gone home from our third year in Tokyo. So I spent that afternoon just getting more and more angry, more and more anxious, more and more freaked out. So I confronted him when he got home. I was met immediately with defensiveness, anger, rage. So, you know, instead of owning up.

To it, it became, I broke his.

Trust because I read these private messages and he'd never given me a reason to think he would cheat. He'd only ever been, you know, loving and honest with me. I just thought, oh, my God, he's right. I am a terrible person. How could I have broken his trust? He is the victim and I'm the bad one. He drew a bath and then he sat in it and he started crying. I remember I sat there and I kept apologizing to him over and over and over, trying to comfort him. After that happened, I let it go. And then at some point within those next few months, he admitted to me.

That he did something bad.

He tells me that he did cheat on me that year with that girlfriend. When he told me this, he was just crying and retching, dry heaving. It was all just so emotional for him. So I comfort him because that's my role. He's always the victim, and I need to be there for him. I just kept asking him why he did this, why did he propose knowing he had done this? And then I realized everyone had already booked flights, people had bought dresses, people had bought suits. And I just felt like, how can I get out of this? I can't. We cried some more. And under guise of wanting to feel connected to me, I allowed him to have sex with me that night. And I cried when it was over. I was ashamed of what I'd just done against my own wishes. I was ashamed that I decided to move forward with marrying this liar and this cheat. But that was it. The months would pass and it became like, you can't bring that up, that I did that because it's over and you forgave me, so stop bringing it up. And so eventually I would try to not mention it explicitly. And outside of any, like, sex related stuff, mostly things were good. We kind of just fell back into a seemingly normal relationship. But as the wedding got closer and closer, I just kept feeling like, this is a mistake. I will never trust him again. I have done things that I don't want to do, and I've put myself in this position and I just felt like, this is what you deserve, this relationship and this man that. That will cheat on you and lie.

To you about It.

So I just spent those few months leading up to the wedding in constant battle with myself. We got married in August 2012. My family came out, my mom and my dad. It was actually a really, really great time. I remember really just enjoying having, you know, all of my friends from home and all of his friends and the friends that we'd made together in Tokyo. Everybody came together. I think I was kind of lulled into a sense of everything was going to work out, because look at how great this has been. But I still always had this feeling in my gut that I shouldn't be doing this. But I just kept stuffing that feeling down and down and down. After the wedding, we lived with his mother for about a year. And in this year, he would start to push a lot more for sex. He would push me to do things I didn't want to, but he was my husband now. And I felt like, well, you know, that is like a normal thing that people do in a relationship. And so I kept justifying it. Then we moved up to Oregon in 2014, and I felt constant pressure. We would have the same argument over and over and over in just a cycle where I would essentially tell him, I feel like some sort of a sex toy. And it makes me feel disgusted with myself. The more guilt and shame that I felt, the more impossible it seemed to leave him. I just didn't see a way out. And outside of all of the kind of sex life stuff, things were fine. And they seemed even better when I compared them to the bad times. So good moments would keep me tethered to him because they showed me what could be and what had once been. And that's what I clung to. At a certain point, arguing would just make things worse. So I would just relent and I would give him what he wanted. But there were lots of little ways that I would try to avoid it. Like, I would tell him, you know, I was on my period for longer than I really was. Or I might preemptively tell him I felt unwell. Or I'd say, like, oh, I missed a pill, so we can't. And then he'd just tell me, oh, well, there's other places that I can put it. I would just start to dissociate from my body because if I didn't, I would just be completely overwhelmed with feeling absolute disgust and shame. And often I would cry during. I would cry afterwards. He would tell me that I'm being emotionally manipulative. I didn't understand that what was happening wasn't normal and wasn't okay. And every time I let it happen, I felt worse. I really just existed as evidence of his greatness. We had a great house, he had a good job. He had a wife who on the outside appeared happy and loving and content in her life. And he also knew that I'm a very proud person. I've never liked talking about my issues with people. He knew that I wasn't able to come forward because I was too humiliated, but it was confusing because I still got on with him like as a friend. I didn't know how to reconcile those two people who existed as separate men in my mind, but inhabited the same being.

[Wit Misseldine]

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[Amy Irvine]

In the spring of 2016, we bought a house together, but I just felt like this big life change that's going to happen and everything will be good in 2017. We had been out for dinner that night. We were laughing. It was fine. I had work the next day so we got back maybe around 10 and I just wanted to go to bed, but he wanted to stay up drinking. And I said, no, no, no, I need to go to bed because I have worked. I, you know, start getting ready for bed and everything. He keeps coming down the stairs to tell me to come up and drink with him. And I keep saying no. I get into bed, I go to sleep. He's coming in, waking me up, and I get more and more irritated every time. And the final time that he comes in, this is like a few hours later, he tells me that one of my dogs has escaped and I need to come upstairs now. We need to go look for him. So it's maybe like one in the.

Morning or something at this point.

And I asked him, are you lying? And he said, no, no, I'm deadly serious. And so I'm like, okay, you know, I go up the stairs and I round the corner, he's already gone up. And when I look into the living room, he's sitting there with the dog. And he just starts pointing at me and laughing and laughing. Something snapped in me in that moment. And I just walk over to him and I just slapped him right across the face. I just was so tired. I was so angry that he had played this trick on me. And I picked up of the other dogs. She was a puppy at the time. And he completely became a different person. It's like he became a monster. Like, all the light left his eyes. He started screaming at me, asking me, how could you do that? You think you can do that to me? He flipped the coffee table over. It landed on my foot. My foot started bleeding because I wasn't even wearing any shoes. And he came towards me. I was still holding this dog. I backed all the way up against the wall away from him. And then he raised both of his hands and he put them around my neck and he squeezed. I remember I was holding my puppy, this other dog. And I was just thinking, oh, my God, make sure that you don't hold her too tightly, that you suffocate her too, and don't drop her. He started pulling and pushing as he's strangling me, my head, like, and smashing it into the TV behind me. And then I'm just thinking, like, oh, my God, oh, my God. And if the TV breaks, that's going to be my fault, and he's going to be angry at me. And my vision started to tunnel out my head, and my face was just welling up with pressure. And then it was at that moment that he let go. I took a few seconds, and then I Got all the dogs together, and I took them downstairs and into our bedroom, and I locked the door, but it's just a courtesy lock. So he got in and he sat in the corner. I wasn't sure what he was going to do. I was like, am I going to die? Is he going to kill the dogs? What is he going to do? And he just started crying. And then once again, I comforted my abuser in his abuse of me. I sat with him and I said to him, you know, like, that's not okay, what you just did. And he told me he did it because my slapping him triggered childhood trauma. And I knew that he had been physically abused when he was little, and so I should have known better, and it was my fault. And I just said I was sorry, and I accepted responsibility. And I think that night I, like, truly lost myself. But I also think that that was when I really detached from him emotionally. Like, I knew in my gut that one day I would divorce him, and if I didn't, he would be the one to end my life. His mother, I would tell the next day what had happened. And she told me, you started it, because I slapped him first, and it's my fault. That was the first time I'd ever said anything to anyone about the bad parts of our relationship. And so that just pushed me way down into that darkness. I went to work that day after getting no sleep. I came home to a note on the door that said that he was sorry and he was wrong. And he had never apologized for anything before or taken accountability. So I thought, maybe this will change him. And I went in and we talked, and I, once again, just accepted it. And then his. His mom. I told her that we had talked, and she said, I know this is difficult for both of you, especially Steve, as I'm sure he feels pretty awful. So I'm living with this person who I no longer love. So it's like I was also performing for the outside world. Since the strangling incident. I was more and more becoming so completely disgusted by the thought. I found it easier to say no than I ever had before. And I think that got to him. And he tore my overalls trying to attack me. He pinned me down on the bed on my stomach. I don't really remember how I got away from him, but I did. I locked myself in the bathroom, and I just remember staring in the mirror at myself, saying, you're okay, you're okay, you're okay, over and over and over again. The next morning, I would confront him and he just told me that I was drunk and I didn't remember it. I knew I wasn't drunk. I knew that I was remembering it exactly as it happened because I was very careful around him. Sometime in that year, in 2020 or 21, I would start on anti anxiety medication. I also had an Ambien prescription because I didn't sleep well. And I think that he may have been dosing me because there were many mornings over those Covid years we were sleeping in separate beds at this point.

And I would wake up naked, leaking.

Fluid from my body. I would text him and ask what happened. And he'd tell me, oh, you just blacked out because of your medication. Or he would tell me that I asked him if we could have sex. And I think that he did start drugging me because that was the only way that he could get me to do what he wanted. So in March of 2023, one of.

My family members, Kira, had texted me. I had that day, walked into town, I went to a tap room, I met up some friends, and Steve wasn't actually here. He was in California at the time visiting his sick uncle. So I got a text from her and she just asks, where are you? I'm like, I'm at home. What do you mean? She's like, no, you're not. We are there and you're not here. As far as I know, they're in Scotland. So I'm really confused by this. I'm like, what?

What do you mean?

I'm not at, like in my house, but I'm at home in the town.

That I live in.

And she says, yeah, well, so are we. I couldn't process this. Nobody flies halfway across the world with good news. And so I tell her where I am and they come into town, they pull up and I get in the backseat of the car, and I still have no idea what is going on, but I know that it's bad. And so I just have like this pit forming in my stomach. I am physically anxious.

Like I feel it on a visceral level. My heart is pounding.

I can hear the blood rushing through my ears. I just felt this kind of like burning fear rising up. And I just started texting Steve and I'm like, kira and my dad are here.

And I don't know why I didn't.

Know that they were coming. What's happened? Is somebody dead? I was asking them all of these questions too. Is someone sick?

Is someone dying?

Has somebody died? Are one of you dying? What is going on? Why are you Here, they just kept saying, we'll talk to you when we get to the Airbnb. We'll get to an Airbnb.

We'll.

We'll sit down and we'll talk about it. It's maybe another 10 minute ride, so it's not long. But in my mind, you know, it stretched out for hours and hours because I'm just absolutely losing my mind trying to figure out what on earth could be wrong. I just had this feeling that whatever it was, it somehow involved Steve. And I asked him that three times. I texted him. He was just saying, oh, my God, I'm freaking out. Did somebody die? And I'm just like, I don't know. I don't know. Have you done something? He keeps saying, no. We finally get to the Airbnb. I'm still just feeling so much anxiety and panic. And yeah, we sit down and they tell me that.

Christmas of 21, a family member of mine came to stay and she was attacked in her bed and raped while she was here. And she didn't tell anyone for, I think, almost a whole year. And then in 2022, I had another family member visit and she was assaulted in almost exactly the same way in her bed while she slept. And she was too scared to tell me on that visit. And so she finished that visit and she went home. And then she told her boyfriend and her therapist, and her therapist encouraged her to tell our parents. When I first heard this, I felt.

Like I dissociated in some way. Like I felt like the words that were just said to me were. It was almost like they were hanging suspended in the air. And I wasn't really sitting there on that couch. It was like I was observing myself. And everything in my life just all kind of collapsed into this one moment, almost like a flipbook. Like the pages of my life just flipped past me all at once. And everything kind of made sense, but at the same time, none of it made sense.

I don't remember the words I said in response, but she told me later that what I said to her was, I believe you. I just don't know how to accept this. There never would have been a second where I didn't believe her. I just. How do you process that? I never thought that he was capable of doing it to anyone but me. Everything in my life was changed forever. Everything I'd known, everything I'd worked towards, everything was about to be ripped away and replaced with something completely unknown. I knew that my own truth had to come out. And that meant finally I had to face the shame that I had been living with for so long. And that was also a terrifying prospect. So my dad, he's not a particularly emotional man, but I remember just sat down next to me and I sobbed into his arms in a way that I don't think I've ever done in my adult life. Like, I just felt like a wounded animal. And my dad, who's always so stoic, and he started crying, and then Kira starts crying. Like, I can't imagine the fear that they both must have felt in telling me that. And so I just, like, cried for them and for me and for, like, the life that I had. At this time, I wasn't actually working either. And so I'm thinking, like, what am I gonna do? I don't have an income. Just millions of questions are coming up. My brain is just doing all of these backflips to try to, like, accept the uncertainty of what is to come. Steve came back from California, and I wanted to be the first one to see him, but my dad said that he wanted to talk to him first. I think he was just scared for me. He didn't know how he was going to react. My dad gave him the statements that they had written, and he started sobbing, as he does when he's caught. And he admitted to my dad that he had done it, but he said he didn't remember it. And then after his conversation with my dad, he came back to our house where I was, and he did the same thing. He cried. He said, I did it, but, you know, I was drunk. It wasn't. I don't really remember it. It was an accident. I asked him to leave. And he never lived here again after that day. So my dad came over. We changed the locks to the house. My divorce, I filed for. Within a week, Pyrrha filed a report with the police. And while all of this was going on, I was spiraling, thinking about all my other friends, every other woman in my life that I've ever known, and thinking to myself, oh, my God, he's done this to more than just them. There are more women out there, and I need to talk to them. I need to find out how long he's been doing this and who else he's done this to. I was messaging every woman that's ever stayed in my house, every woman that I'd ever met, every friend, every single person I could think of. You know, anger is a much more actionable emotion. You can use it. And so I let that anger fuel me instead of letting it Burn me down. And I just was on a mission to find as many women, as many victims as I could, and give them a voice. The first person that I asked was one of my close friends. I had her come over and sat her down and I said, look, I really need to know, have you had an experience? Because if you have, just know. I absolutely believe you and I want to help you through this if I can and if you want my help. She told me through tears that the same exact thing had happened. From there, every woman I contacted, it seemed like, had an incident. He really ran the gamut, everything from flashing to rape. I think that over the years, he just escalated and kept choosing victims that were more and more dangerous. And it was around this time when I was, you know, looking for these women that I suddenly thought of the name Cecily, who was his high school girlfriend, who his mother had called me that first year that I met them in January of 2010. I didn't know how to contact her, but I knew some of his high school friends and they contacted her. One day, a message pops up on my Facebook and it's Cecily. And she tells me she dated him in high school from like 15 to 18, and he treated her much in the same way that he treated me. It turned out actually that she had told people what he was doing and that he was regularly raping her and abusing her. And his mother threatened her with the police, and so she shut up. And for 22 years, she just lived knowing that this man was a predator and rapist. And she found out one day that he was getting married. And he even sent her a message and told her that he was sorry for how things ended, and he didn't understand why she would have accused him of this. She and I have been in pretty much daily contact for over a year now. I consider her a really, really good friend. So I just kept reaching out to people. Who knows how many other victims he has? By my count, there's about 25.

[Charlie Brent Coast Cuff]

On Boxing Day, 2018, 20 year old Joy Morgan was last seen at her church, Israel United in Christ, or iuic. I just went on my Snapchat and I just see her face plastered everywhere. This is the missing sister, the true story of a woman betrayed by those she trusted most.

[Amy Irvine]

IUIC is my family and. And like, the best family that I've ever had.

[Charlie Brent Coast Cuff]

But IUIC isn't like most churches.

[Amy Irvine]

This is a devilish cult. You know when you get that feeling like you just. I don't want to be Here, I want to get out. It's like that feeling of like, I want to go hang out.

[Charlie Brent Coast Cuff]

I'm Charlie Brent Coast Cuff, and after years of investigating Joy's case, I need to know what really happened to Joy. Binge all episodes of the Missing Sister exclusively and ad free right now on Wondery. Start your free trial of Wondery on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or in the Wondery app.

[Nick Cannon]

It's your man, Nick Cannon, and I'm here to bring you my new podcast, Nick Cannon at Night. I've heard y' all been needing some advice in the love department, so who better to help than yours truly? Nah, I'm serious. Every week I'm bringing out some of my celebrity friends and the best experts in the business to answer your most intimate relationship questions. Having problems with your man? We got you catching feelings for your sneaky link. Let's make sure it's the real deal first. Ready to bring toys into the bedroom? Let's talk about it. Consider this a non judgment zone to ask your questions when it comes to sex and modern dating in relationships, friendships, situationships and everything in between, it's going to be sexy, freaky, messy. And you know what? You'll just have to watch the show. So don't be shy, join the conversation and head over to YouTube to watch Nick Cannon at night or subscribe on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast. Want to watch episodes early and ad free? Join Wondery right now.

[Amy Irvine]

For the first couple of months, I would sleep with a knife and a bat by my bed because, I mean, I knew he was capable of violence because these are violent acts. He had strangled me, so I knew he was physically violent as well. And I used to leave the lamps on around my house every day. I feel like I just had to like, get through that day and get through that moment in that day. Obviously we had the criminal side of things, but I also had the divorce side of things to deal with. I just felt like I was in survival mode and it was difficult, but at the same time, like, I had this deep, deep belief in my core that he would be punished and we would win. And I think that that feeling was really the thing that got me through even the hard times because of course there were times where I thought, you know, I'm irreparably damaged from this. I'll never come back from this. I'm. I'm going to be ruined forever.

How can I ever trust anyone?

How can I ever have a normal life? How can I have a relationship after this? How can I do anything if somebody so close to me turned out to be this monster? How can I continue over the months? And then the next year, I did get into a new relationship. And actually, I was surprised with how easily I found myself able to do that. But I think it's because after he had strangled me, I kind of stepped away emotionally from him. And so I think getting back into the whole dating world and just meeting new people ended up being not as scary as I once thought. But I did discover some behaviors that I had learned from him. Like, I would avoid being in my bedroom if my then partner came home. Because with Steve, if I was anywhere ever near my bed, he would always try to, like, force himself on me or try to get me to agree to do something, coerced me into having some sort of sexual encounter. So I just learned to avoid being near my bed if he was around. This partner had come home, and I just immediately had this feeling of anxiety. And I was like, I have to get out of here. I have to get out of my room right now. And I'm thinking, but why? Why are you doing that? Where is that coming from? And that was a learned behavior.

The case moved along pretty slowly. We started with 15 counts, five victims. I actually was not a victim. One victim pulled out because she became too stressed. And I understand that too. Again, they ask these victims to hold onto these traumatic memories that they don't want to keep for years. And then another victim was dismissed, and then we ended up with three victims, down from five. Two of them were family members of mine, and then one was a friend. There were several other friends or family members who also took the stand. Just to kind of corroborate timelines, Steve.

Was offered a plea deal from the DA for 13 years with the stipulation that he plead guilty. That was what we wanted. We wanted him to admit guilt. And he countered that plea, and he said he would take the 13 years, but he didn't want to admit guilt. He would only take it if he could plead no contest, which in Oregon, a no contest plea is essentially where you accept that there's enough or likely enough evidence to convict, but you're not admitting any guilt. You're not admitting fault. That's what he offered, and we said no. And so that's why we went to trial.

Nobody wants to go through this. It's a horrible experience. You re traumatize yourself every time you don't remember an exact detail. The defense lawyer will say, oh, well, yeah, see, didn't happen. But that is not how memory works. He actually took the stand on his own behalf, and that's pretty rare because you can absolutely incriminate yourself. But because he didn't have any witnesses, he had to take the stand himself. It was just very obvious that he was lying. All of us gathered, my friends who were directly involved, my friends who have just been a support, the victims themselves, my family, like, I think there was maybe like 15 plus of us, his mother and his family this whole time had been saying that we were lying and that we're all sluts and whores and defending him. And ultimately he was found guilty on seven out of 10 counts. He was sentenced to 33 years, and he was 37. So he'll get out of prison when he's 70 years old. And after that he's still going to be monitored for a further 20 years. He's obviously a registered sex offender now.

We could have avoided trial. They could have avoided having to, you know, re traumatize themselves all over again. And Steve would have done 13 years instead of the 33 that he ended up getting. And I really think that the reason that he ended up with 33 years is just down to his arrogance. I think his arrogance is what did him in in the end. His narcissism and his belief that he knew better and he could get out of this is why he ended up doing so much more time than he would have had he just admitted to what he had done. In the early days, I blamed myself almost entirely. You know, if I hadn't chosen this man, he wouldn't have come into my life, which means he would not have come into any of their lives. My family members, my friends, nobody, nobody ever would have met him. This wouldn't have happened. So it was my fault. I started us on this track. People tend to question the validity of my abuse because of my relationship with him. But people like me, women like me, you know, we trauma bond to our abuser.

And as women, we're so often raised.

To fix, to submit, to take up less space or make less noise. And so we do, and that's often.

To our own detriment.

So with me, there's a special kind of shame that comes with feeling as if you allowed your own abuse, as if you chose it. And so I think it's easy for them, just as it was for me, to kind of take out some of that anger on me, because I will take it. And especially at the time, I felt like I deserved it. So even more so, it's almost like I expected it of people, but I married a monster who masqueraded as a good man. And the shame that came with all of that, with feeling as if I caused it, belongs with him. It always has. It's just, I think in these situations, it's really, really hard for us to remember that. And not just me, but the other victims as well. All of this is a trauma that.

Each and every one of us are.

Gonna carry for the rest of our lives. But the trauma of being married to an abuser and rapist is, I think, just a different kind. It's not less, it's not more.

It's just different.

And to have the one who vowed to love me and care for me bring such pain, not just to me, but to everyone else, was an emotional battle that I fought for years. Some of the victims are still struggling immensely with, you know, the aftermath and trying to just get past this. And even in that, I feel guilt. But it just, again, it comes back to that whole thing of it was always him. Even once it came out, I still felt it was my fault. And, yeah, it was always him.

We had spent over two years fighting this guy. But once the sentencing was over and my divorce also wrapped up around the same time, I just felt like I can begin life again. I feel much more confident just in my own skin. And I think a lot of it is just that I got away from this man who made me feel like an object. I never felt like a real person once I got away from that. And I just learned to value myself. I like myself now. I never used to like myself. Just having self love has been a big lesson. This podcast and podcasts like it that are just survivor stories of situations like mine really helped me feel less alone going through this. I found a lot of comfort in listening to people tell their stories. And I think that with domestic abuse, that's a very important story to tell because I was in this relationship 15 years total, and most of it was pretty bad, and I didn't tell anyone. And so many people that haven't been in that position do not understand it. And so I think it's really important that if we feel able to speak about it, that we do, because it's women like me telling stories like this that helped me get through it. Now, you know, I'm 36. 17 years of my life has been spent with this man at the center, and now I'm at the center. Through all of the trauma over the past 17 years, I have transformed, and it not only transformed my life in what would end up being a positive way. But it transformed my relationship with myself and my relationships with my family and with my friends. I really come to actually love myself in a way that I don't think I ever did. Even though, like, it obviously took a lot of heartache, a lot of damage to a lot of different people. And I wish that I could have come to this place without all of that. I'm here now, and I've learned so much about myself. I've deepened connections with people in my life. I've truly become now the person that I always wanted to be and the, you know, the confident version that I always tended. I was, but never really was. I was always a mess. I just was in denial about how much of a mess of a person I was when it comes to him. Now, I feel towards him completely indifferent. When I think about the things that he's done, I feel anger and I feel sadness. But when I think about him as a human being being, I feel nothing. And I think that that just goes to show how completely detached I am now from him. It's just funny to think that I was so scared of leaving this relationship when the relationship was the one thing keeping me down. And the biggest change is I've learned to trust in myself first, before anyone else, because how I feel and what my intuition tells me is dead on every time. My dad, he was kind of the driving force behind so much of this. If we hadn't had my dad, I don't know if we would be where we are today. I think we all of us owe him so much. I can't imagine the amount of stress that he has been under these past couple of years. As difficult as he finds, you know, emotional vulnerability, he got through this. He has expressed himself in ways that I never would have expected him to be able to. He has kind of softened through this. I'm endlessly proud of him. My relationship with him has certainly had its ups and downs, but I've always known how good he is. He's always been such an example of what it is to be kind and moral and fight for what is right. Like, through all of it, I just. I learned just how good the world can be, actually. You know, monsters exist, but so do.

Saviors or heroes or guardians, like the good people who are out there, who will stand up for what's right, even if doing so exposes, you know, their deepest wounds to the world. The whole thing really just proved to me how much strength we all have within us. It's just Sometimes you need a spark to that flame.

There came a point in the beginning where I kept trying to keep everything in. I didn't want to lean on anyone because I didn't trust that they could support me. I'm so glad that I did learn to lean on other people because I trust people more now than I ever did. It just really shows you that there is so much good in the world. There's no point in fearing, you know, living life. I think it's not about healing before you experience life. I think sometimes the experience of life is the thing that heals you. That's kind of been my mindset with this and that's why I will trust people and I make new friends. I'll get into new relationships and trust that any experience I can have I can handle.

[Wit Misseldine]

Today's episode featured Amy Irvine. If you'd like to reach out to Amy, you can find her email and socials in the show notes. A special thanks to Todd Reinenbone of the Bunny Hugs and Mental Health Podcast for referring Amy to us from Wondery. You're listening to this Is Actually Happening. If you love what we do, please rate and review the show. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music or on the Wondery app to listen ad free and get access to the entire back catalog. In the episode notes, you'll find some links and offers from our sponsors. By supporting them, you help us bring you our show for free. I'm your host Wit Misseldine. Today's episode was co produced by me, Andrew and Aviva Lipkowicz with special thanks to the this Is Actually Happening team including Ellen Westberg. The opening music features the song Sleep Paralysis by Scott Velasquez. You can join the community on the this Is Actually Happening discussion group on Facebook or follow us on Instagram Actually Happening on the show's website thisisactually happening.com you can find out more about the podcast. Contact us with any questions, submit your own story or visit the store where you can find this Is Actually Happening designs on stickers, T shirts, wall art, hoodies, and more. That's thisisactually happening.com and finally, if you'd like to become an ongoing supporter of what we do, go to patreon.com happening even 2 to $5 a month goes a long way to support our vision. Thank you for listening.

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[Denise Chan]

Denise hi, I'm Denise Chan, host of Scam Factory. You might remember hearing about our investigative series that exposed what's really happening behind those suspicious texts you get inside heavily guarded compounds across Asia. Thousands are trapped and forced to scam others or risk torture. One of our most powerful stories was Jela's a young woman who thought she'd found her dream job only to end up imprisoned in a scam compound. Her escape story caught the attention of Criminal's Phoebe Judge and am honored to share more details of Jella's journey with their audience. But Jella's story is just one piece of this investigation. In Scam Factory, we reveal how a billion dollar criminal empire turns job seekers into prisoners and how the only way out is to scam your way out. Ready to uncover the full story? Binge all episodes of Scam Factory now. Listen to Scam Factory on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.