This Is Actually Happening – Episode 380: What if you had a spontaneous awakening?

Podcast Host: Wit Misseldine (Wondery)
Original Air Date: October 21, 2025
Length: ~57 minutes
Guest: Anonymous female storyteller
Main Theme: A woman’s journey through childhood in a cult, adolescence of instability and addiction, turbulent adult relationships, and finally an unplanned, transformative spiritual awakening.

Episode Overview

This episode features an anonymous woman’s extraordinary life story—from a childhood spent in the infamous Rajneeshpuram commune to global escapades, heroin addiction, and traumatic relationships—culminating in a spontaneous spiritual awakening during the pandemic. She explores how trauma, patterns of abandonment, and striving for normalcy shaped her, and how an unexplained spiritual experience radically shifted her relationship to herself and the world.

Detailed Breakdown & Key Insights

1. Early Life and Spiritual Upheaval

• Family Background ([03:26]):

  • Father: French-Canadian, military and air traffic controller, emotionally distant, struggled with alcoholism.
  • Mother: Upper-middle-class, searching for spiritual fulfillment, frequently involved with meditation and communes.
  • Divorce at age 6; mother’s serial relationships and spiritual explorations left the storyteller feeling lonely and unmoored.

• Move to Communes ([05:00–10:00]):

  • Lived briefly in a Kentucky commune: “We were just, like, running around naked in the rain… pure ecstasy. Like, I was so happy.” ([06:50])
  • Sudden separation from mother; recurring theme of abandonment.

2. Growing Up Rajneeshee

• Introduction to Rajneeshpuram ([11:00–14:30]):

  • Moved to Oregon commune at age 10, as Rajneeshpuram was being established.
  • Cult described as both “utopian” and problematic (free love, overt sexuality, parental separation).
  • “We were treated like adults, even as children. And we had responsibilities. But I didn’t even get to see her [my mother].” ([14:30])

• Early Adolescence ([15:00–19:00]):

  • Summer alternation between commune life and traditional private school.
  • Growing sense of unworthiness: “I didn’t feel like I was worthy of love. I always thought my own mother didn’t love me enough to want to stay with me.” ([16:45])

3. Escaping & Re-enacting Patterns

• Post-commune Life, Teenage Years ([20:00–22:00]):

  • After Rajneeshpuram collapses, mother returns but remains immersed in the sannyasin subculture.
  • “At 17, I buy a ticket, go to India on my own… It felt like my life was actually starting.” ([21:15])
  • Falls in with older men, one a wealthy drug dealer. Initiates heroin use: “The minute I tried that, I knew I was in trouble. … It just took everything away. I just felt at peace. I felt like I was cool.” ([22:05])

• Descent into Addiction ([24:33–27:00]):

  • Cycles through Japan, Thailand, Europe, always seeking the next fix.
  • Returns home at 21, heroin addiction intensifies in absence of wealthy patrons.
  • Survival through sex work and stripping: “At this point, nothing was off limits. I felt like my guardian angels are just tired of me.” ([26:10])

4. Redemption & Building a New Identity

• Turning Point—Family Intervention & Motherhood ([27:10–29:30]):

  • Father intervenes: “He never gave up… It actually brought both my parents back into my life big time.”
  • Pregnancy catalyzes recovery: “The moment I learned that I was pregnant, I quit every single drug in an instant, and I have never touched them again.” ([28:02])

• Reconstructing Self ([29:40–31:00]):

  • Pursues higher education, excels professionally, eventually rising to executive leadership.

• Seeking Wholeness through Relationships ([31:10–35:00]):

  • Meets and marries Jay, a childhood crush from Rajneeshpuram, hoping he is “the answer to everything.” Relationship turns controlling and abusive.
  • Gaslighting, eroded self-confidence, and boundary violations: “He was controlling everything I did. … Making me think that I was a bad mom.” ([34:10])

5. Profound Spiritual Transformation

• The Spontaneous Awakening ([37:00–42:20]):

  • During the pandemic, after months of meditation, she experiences a radical sensory shift in a park: colors and details intensify, overwhelming interconnectedness to living things.
  • “My eyesight was like brand new. I could see details in every little thing… this whole new level of understanding that we were all connected.” ([01:27]; [38:10])
  • Hears a guiding, internal male voice: “Don't freak out, don't worry, you're moving to another level.” ([38:50])
  • The experience lasts three days at peak intensity.

• Integration and Research ([42:00–47:00]):

  • Mystical visions, including the phrase “hanta ine”—later discovered as a greeting to Mother Earth.
  • Vision of the Divine Mother brings emotional resolution: “She basically reminded me of who I was—a spirit on an Earth journey.” ([44:40])
  • Realizes her suffering and abandonment shaped, but did not define her.
  • Discovers Kundalini Awakening literature mirrors her experience: “Some people work to get to that… I never asked for it. It was a spontaneous thing.” ([48:30])

6. Healing, Forgiveness, and New Wisdom

• Motherhood Revisited and Reconciliation ([47:00–52:00]):

  • Youngest daughter reignites old wounds, prompts further spiritual healing.
  • Finds empathy for her mother: “I can see… maybe I would have done the same thing. She’s paid the price for her faults many times over… I forgive you and I love you.” ([52:10])

• Personal and Universal Wisdom ([53:00–57:00]):

  • On healing: “I just have healed and I do feel happy and I really trust that my life is going to be beautiful.”
  • On enlightenment: “The only thing you need to do to be enlightened is to remember you already are. You already have it… It’s free and it’s infinite.” ([56:40])
  • Asserts that spiritual awareness is not reserved for the special few:
    • “It kind of annoys me that so many false prophets and masters... are selling access to this to people. It has nothing to do with learning or paying…” ([56:10])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Childhood Joy and Loss:
  “[The Kentucky commune]—just have this memory of, like, galloping through the fields on the back of this horse with my friend, feeling just pure ecstasy. Like, I was so happy.” ([06:50])

• On Addiction:
  “The minute I tried [heroin], I knew I was in trouble. ... It just took everything away. I just felt at peace.” ([22:05])

• On Sudden Awakening:
  “My eyesight was like brand new… I could see the trees breathing. I could see them talking to each other. I felt this whole new level of understanding that we were all connected.” ([01:27]; [38:10])

• On Healing Old Wounds:
  “It brought up all these emotions from my own childhood… And I had this connection with a spirit called the Divine Mother… She basically reminded me of who I was—a spirit on an Earth journey.” ([44:30])

• On Enlightenment and Self-Love:
  “I just have healed and I do feel happy and I really trust that my life is going to be beautiful… The only thing you need to do to be enlightened is to remember you already are.” ([56:10–56:40])

Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | Description | |-----------|-------------------------------------|-------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:27 | Spontaneous Awakening Preview | “My eyesight was like brand new…” | | 03:26 | Family Background | Describes parents, early instability | | 06:50 | Kentucky Commune Joy | “Pure ecstasy… galloping through the fields on horseback.” | | 14:30 | Rajneeshpuram Daily Life | Children separated from parents, atmosphere described | | 16:45 | Impact of Parental Abandonment | “I didn’t feel like I was worthy of love…” | | 22:05 | Initiation to Heroin | “The minute I tried that, I knew I was in trouble…” | | 27:10 | Family Intervention/Rehab | Father's dedication to her recovery | | 28:02 | Pregnancy Turning Point | “I quit every single drug in an instant...” | | 34:10 | Jay’s Coercive Behavior | “He was controlling everything I did…” | | 38:10 | Awakening Details | “My eyesight was like brand new… whole new level of understanding…” | | 44:30 | Connection to Divine Mother | “She basically reminded me of who I was—a spirit on an Earth journey…” | | 48:30 | Kundalini Literature | Parallels between her experience and Kundalini awakening described | | 52:10 | Reconciliation with Mother | “I forgive you and I love you…” | | 56:10 | Critique of Modern Spiritual Gurus | “So many false prophets… are like selling access to this to people.” | | 56:40 | Universal Enlightenment | “All you need to do to be enlightened is to remember you already are.” |

Final Insights

• The guest’s story is a powerful testament to how even the deepest traumas and most destructive choices can be the seedbed for profound transformation.
• Her spontaneous spiritual awakening did not solve every problem but reframed her entire approach to pain, boundaries, love, and the search for meaning.
• The episode emphasizes:
  • The necessity of self-love and compassion as the foundation for healthy relationships
  • The importance of listening to intuition (“gut feelings aren’t just there by the way—they’re important; you have to listen when it doesn’t feel right”)
  • That healing and awakening are intrinsic human capacities, not exclusive privileges for a spiritual elite.

For New Listeners: This episode weaves together trauma, recovery, spiritual mystery, and practical insight in a deeply personal narrative—delivered with candor, humility, and hope.