Podcast Summary: This Is Actually Happening –

Episode 387: What if your partner accused you of attempted murder?
Release Date: December 9, 2025
Host: Wit Misseldine
Storyteller: Anonymous Anesthesia Provider

Overview

This episode chronicles the extraordinary and harrowing personal account of a Vietnamese American anesthesia provider who is blindsided when his long-term partner accuses him of attempted murder. The storyteller details his upbringing as the child of immigrants, the complexities of his relationship, his partner’s mental health and substance issues, and the catastrophic fallout of being falsely accused. Through his voice, the episode grapples with themes of self-abandonment, the trauma of betrayal, the blurred lines between caregiving and self-sacrifice, and the process of self-rebuilding after devastation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Life and Family Dynamics

[02:10 – 10:42]

• Parents emigrated from Vietnam to Kansas as refugees; father prioritized assimilation and survival, emphasizing the need to "be Americanized."
• "You need to learn English, you need to be Americanized. Your Vietnamese heritage has no meaning here. You need to just put that aside." (Anonymous, 02:56)
• Communication gap with his mother due to language barriers, leading to a sense of isolation.
• Childhood marked by pressures to excel, a sense of being unseen, memories of abandonment and emotional neglect.
• The tension between his father’s strict, controlling, and sometimes abusive approach and his mother’s secret Catholic faith led to inner conflict and an early habit of self-abandonment for approval.
• Internalization of shame and alienation as one of the few Asian kids in a predominantly white suburb, exacerbated by a middle school expulsion and years of lonely homeschooling.

2. Professional Path and Identity

[10:42 – 12:40]

• Early exposure to hospice work and death, which resonated with his lifelong feelings of alienation and existential dread; this leads to nursing.
  • "To see people go through that sort of distress, I could sense that. I can feel that. And I know how to offer presence to that where we're not fixing anything." (Anonymous, 11:54)
• Chose a career focused on end-of-life care, then further specialized as a nurse anesthetist to find balance between empathy and self-preservation.

3. Relationship Patterns & Serial Monogamy

[12:40 – 15:30]

• Difficulty with intimacy and romantic relationships, feeling excluded for being Asian, serial monogamy as defense against loneliness rooted in childhood.
• Relationship with first partner in nursing school ends due to divergence rather than active discontent.

4. Second (Central) Relationship: Love and Codependency

[15:30 – 23:37]

• Begins a relationship with a classmate, which soon deepens after her sister’s overdose and cataclysmic family losses.
• Caregiving is central to their dynamic, as is mutual reliance; yet her struggles with alcohol and later, mental health and family crises, gradually dominate the relationship.
  • "Love as devotion: it doesn't matter if you actually love the person. It doesn't matter if you are incompatible. You just gotta do it through brute strength. You're gonna make this work." (Anonymous, 13:25)
• The partner’s role as “parentified child” for her own parents creates cycles of familial crisis in which the storyteller feels compelled to be the emotional anchor.

5. Descent into Crisis: Addiction, Mental Health, and Betrayal

[23:37 – 34:16]

• The stress amplifies as his partner’s mother has a breakdown, resulting in a dramatic incident with police and EMTs, after which the partner is hospitalized for a psychotic break and returns home deeply destabilized ([23:56 – 28:34]).
• The recurring cycle: substance abuse, emergency caregiving, and moments when he attempts to leave but is pulled back by fear and a sense of duty.
  • "Every time I thought about leaving...I could just feel this existential terror...Oh yeah, no, I can't have that." (Anonymous, 30:43)
• His own work with ketamine therapy (professionally) turns ironic when he discovers partner misusing ketamine with alcohol—a devastating, jaw-dropping betrayal ([32:19 – 33:24]).
• Attempts at intervention—recorded confrontations, repeated relapses, reliance on a web of therapists—a relationship “hanging by a thread.”

6. The Accusation: From Conflict to Catastrophe

[34:16 – 41:49]

• A night of conflict in December 2022, recorded by the storyteller; after nine normal-seeming days, he’s suddenly confronted and arrested for attempted murder ([36:01]).
  • "Next thing I know, helicopter is literally overhead... eight officers, guns unholstered...get out of the car and get on my knees...what the fuck?" (Anonymous, 36:39)
• Police allege a violent assault based on his partner’s account, including forced injection of ketamine; his bail is set at $1 million, and all assets become unreachable as the partner blocks any use for bail.
• Vivid, chilling descriptions of LA County Jail including dehumanization, dangerous conditions, observations of suicide and violence ([44:35 – 45:22]).

7. Legal Limbo and Social Fallout

[47:24 – 54:19]

• Multiple simultaneous legal battles: criminal, attorney general license suspension, civil lawsuit; professional life implodes, friends and colleagues initially turn away.
• Scramble for support: “33 letters of recommendation in two days” ([51:50 – 52:35]).
  • "It was really touching...to read what people said about me. It really did make me feel that I was loved." (Anonymous, 52:35)

8. Exoneration and Aftermath

[53:20 – 58:04]

• After months of investigation and evidence provided by therapists, messages, and contradictory timelines, DA dismisses the case ([53:20 – 54:19]).
  • "Just a wave of relief fell over me...this eight, nine month nightmare has finally come to an end." (Anonymous, 54:19)
• Emotional and physical release after constant hypervigilance; reconnects with community, hosts "exoneration party" ([55:15]).
• The deepest trauma: the grief of relationship dissolution and confronting lifelong patterns of self-betrayal ([55:59 – 56:29]).
  • "I had never experienced that kind of grief before. It feels like death...there were so many moments where I felt suicidal..." (Anonymous, 55:59)

9. Reflection and Hard Truths

[56:29 – 63:42]

• Wrestles with compassion for his ex alongside acknowledgment of her betrayal:
  • "I know somewhere deep down you did not mean to do what you did. Your unresolved trauma is now being totally projected onto me." (Anonymous, 56:43)
  • "The only way I could hold on to my humanity was...leaning into compassion and love and forgiveness for myself and towards her..." (Anonymous, 57:47)
• Grieves the difference between societal expectations around “physical” illness versus “mental health” crises in relationships ([58:04 – 59:10]).
• Admits core belief that “endurance” was mistaken for love; recognizes his motivations for caretaking are a cover for self-avoidance; devotion without self-preservation is complicity ([61:32 – 62:18]).
  • "What I called compassion was self-abandonment in disguise." (Anonymous, 61:32)

10. Resolution: Re-Encountering the Self

[62:18 – End]

• Strives for honest self-inquiry—what do I want? Realizes healing means learning tenderness toward himself, not just others.
  • "This whole experience has basically introduced me back to myself. I've come to realize that I'm not my job, I'm not my money, I'm not the house I had...The thing that matters most to me now is am I acting from a place where I'm honoring where I'm at in this moment." (Anonymous, 62:18 – 63:42)
• Final insight: The deepest betrayal was self-betrayal, and healing requires turning compassion inward.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On abandonment and immigrant pressure:
  "I spent 41 years having a mother who I could never really communicate with.... So much of our lives was just spent trying to fulfill my father's dream..." (03:22)
• On boundaries in a crisis partnership:
  "How many times am I supposed to say this? Because it feels like we're coming back to the same thing. And I'm starting to feel unseen. I'm feeling uncared for, unloved." (19:53)
• On the arrest:
  "Searchlight just kind of drops down near my car, and it's, like, moving around... I get out of the car, get on my knees, and it is the craziest experience..." (36:01–36:39)
• On jail trauma:
  "To come from a hospital setting where we value life, it’s so striking to be in an environment that doesn’t value life. This place is so brutal...It’s just, you just feel so dead." (45:22)
• On exoneration:
  "Just a wave of relief fell over me...just weeping, thinking, like, wow, this...nightmare has finally come to an end." (54:19)
• On love and self-abandonment:
  "I stayed in a situation that was damaging me on so many levels because I mistook endurance for love." (61:32)
• On self-forgiveness and presence:
  "This journey has really been about learning how to love myself. I do an exceptional job of holding space for others, but can I do that for myself?" (60:02)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:10 – Family origin, upbringing, and early loneliness
• 11:33 – Discovery of hospice, decision to become a nurse
• 15:30 – Meeting his central partner, shared trauma
• 23:56 – Mother's breakdown, escalation of family crisis
• 26:31 – First mention of partner self-harming
• 28:34 – Discovery of relapse, cycle of caregiving
• 32:19 – Partner abuses ketamine and alcohol
• 36:01 – Arrest, police surround, accusation explained
• 41:49 – Courtroom allegations and existential dread
• 45:22 – Harsh experiences inside jail, witnessing suicide
• 51:50 – Legal battle, community support via letters
• 53:20 – DA dismisses case, rationale
• 55:59 – Grieving the loss and facing self
• 61:32 – Admits self-betrayal, redefines compassion
• 62:18–63:42 – Resolving to honor self, not just others

Tone & Language

The episode is raw, introspective, and emotionally candid, with the anonymous storyteller alternating between clinical clarity and devastating vulnerability. His tone is adamantly non-sensational; instead, it's marked by self-examination, empathy—including for his accuser—and open-ended questioning of the meaning of love, duty, and self-preservation.

Conclusion

This powerful episode spotlights the intersection of trauma, mental health, devotion, and the limits of compassion in loving another person. The storyteller's ordeal—culminating in both his exoneration and profound inner reckoning—offers listeners a rare, uncut look at how identity, caregiving, and self-betrayal can collide in the most unimaginable way, and what it takes to rediscover self-love amidst ruin.