This Is Actually Happening | Episode 391 (Rebroadcast of Episode 181) "What if you committed a seemingly unforgivable act?"
Release Date: December 30, 2025

Episode Overview

In this harrowing and deeply personal episode, Brittany recounts the tumultuous events of her childhood and adolescence that culminated in an act she describes as "seemingly unforgivable": deliberately causing a car accident with her mother. The narrative explores cycles of trauma, mental health struggles, broken family systems, and the difficult journey towards accountability, forgiveness, and healing. Brittany’s candid storytelling sheds light on the complexities of pain, survival, and the challenge of reconciling with actions that alter lives forever.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Family Background and Early Trauma (02:40–09:30)

• Brittany describes her parents' impulsive marriage and eventual divorce, and her father's trauma after losing his arm, which contributed to lifelong alcoholism.
• Her mother’s tendency to move quickly into relationships often left Brittany and her siblings vulnerable.
  • Quote: "She got married...it was the first time there had ever been a wedding in this bar...That was kind of their thing." (02:45)
• Severe discipline and emotional abuse from a stepfather resulted in the emotional fracturing of the family.
  • Her older brother received a three-hour punishment for missed school assignments, leading to police and CPS involvement.

2. Sexual Abuse and Confusion (09:31–11:45)

• Brittany suffers sexual abuse at a young age by her older brother. She reports the incident, but it is met with inaction and silence.
  • "It didn’t feel wrong because it felt like attention...he's choosing me in this household, where I felt like I was slipping through the cracks." (09:45)
• This event triggers long-lasting feelings of unworthiness and confusion about relationships and attention.

3. Re-Traumatization and Self-Harm (11:46–15:00)

• Brittany experiences further sexual assault by her mother's new husband, Randy. The abuse is secret and long-term.
• She begins self-harming as a coping mechanism, feeling deeply unworthy and isolated, with her pain going largely unnoticed by adults around her.

4. Escalating Mental Health Crisis (15:01–19:20)

• With her mother’s instability and absent support, Brittany’s outbursts intensify. Encounters with the mental health system become frequent as she cycles through psych wards and medications.
• The trauma accumulates through the death of her grandmother and a close friend’s accident.

5. Cumulative Breakdown and Desperation (19:21–21:25)

• Over-medicated and feeling unsafe at home, Brittany increasingly uses the hospital as an escape.
• Placement in a long-term residential facility exposes her to more destructive behaviors, leading to a suicide attempt.
  • "I grabbed one of the bottles...opened the bottle and I poured all of the pills into my mouth...it was just like suddenly everyone was on top of me." (20:50)

6. The Unforgivable Act – The Car Crash (22:55–32:45)

• After another hospital stint, Brittany returns home, but her relationship with her mother is diminished.
• On Halloween, enveloped by intrusive, compulsive thoughts, she acts:
  • "My mind is just so crazy...I just reached over and I pushed the steering wheel. And...I wrecked the car into the red Jeep." (28:47)
• Immediate aftermath: Physical injuries, disbelief, and guilt. In shock, Brittany's mother comforts her at the crash site.
  • Quote: "I had just irrevocably changed her life, maybe even ruined her life. And she was rubbing her thumb on the back of my hand and telling me it was okay and soothing me." (30:10)

7. Isolation, Ramifications, and Family Fallout (32:46–38:40)

• Brittany and her mother are hospitalized; her mother’s injuries are severe.
• The incident is recognized as intentional, leading to Brittany’s renewed placement in psychiatric care.
• Communication between Brittany and her mother becomes strained; the family, especially her mother’s side, distances themselves. Brittany feels abandoned but recognizes she has irreparably hurt her mother.
  • "What I felt didn’t matter because I was the perpetrator. It was, like, beyond the point of redemption." (35:20)

8. Recovery, Responsibility, and Shifting Perspective (38:41–46:00)

• In a new, more supportive residential program, Brittany begins to process her trauma.
• She is forced to confront the reality of her choices and their consequences, and the possibility that no neat explanation will undo the harm done.
  • "I don't hate my mom. I think I wanted there to be a reason because that would be better than...I just lost control." (36:58)
• Eventually, she moves in with her sister, then her father. The family fragmentation remains, especially as her brother—the perpetrator of past abuse—remains welcomed by her mother.

9. Healing, Self-Forgiveness, and Philosophical Growth (46:01–Ending)

• Stopping her medication on her own proves unexpectedly liberating. Without the fog of medication, she starts improving academically and emotionally.
• Brittany reflects on cycles of trauma in her family—her mother’s dependency, her father’s alcoholism—and recognizes her capacity for both good and bad.
  • "Everyone is capable of terrible things. But it also makes me much more forgiving and much more able to understand the complexities of life. ...People are good and bad." (52:38)
• She finds solace in the notion of a 'future self' who is able to grant the compassion and forgiveness she once denied herself.
  • "Even when I felt so unforgivable, I had myself in this strange way, this version of myself that has already made it through and can look back and see things from a very objective perspective and tell me like it’s okay. It really is okay." (54:16)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On parentification and isolation:
  "At this point in time, I became the oldest in the household, like, overnight…I just remember being so anxious as a kid about everything…The only way I could stop it is…I would pray a lot." (04:00–06:00)
• On the aftermath of the car crash:
  "Like, I had just irrevocably changed her life, maybe even ruined her life. And she was rubbing her thumb on the back of my hand and telling me it was okay and soothing me. Being my mother in that moment, it is so crazy to me." (30:10)
• On family double standards:
  "My child molester brother who deliberately molested me…he’s welcome at every Christmas and every Thanksgiving. And to this day, he’s still good friends with my mom…And that always made me so resentful." (41:40)
• On self-forgiveness and growth:
  "While that’s true, I’ve always also had this feeling of like, I don’t ever want that to be a cop out. ... I know really intimately what it’s like to be the bad guy, to be the villain. ... sometimes being the bad guy is just as simple as one moment going wrong." (52:00)
• On the nature of humanity:
  "People are good and bad. And great people do terrible things and horrible people can do good things. Like everybody has that inside of them." (52:38)
• On learning to forgive herself:
  "Even when I felt like I didn't have my family and I didn't have God and I didn't have friends, even though I felt so unforgivable, I had myself in this strange way...and tell me like it's okay. It really is okay. Like I can look at my past self and forgive her." (54:16)

Important Timestamps

• [02:40–09:30] — Childhood background, family trauma
• [09:31–11:45] — Sexual abuse by brother, confusion
• [11:46–15:00] — Abuse by stepfather, onset of self-harm
• [15:01–19:20] — Escalation of mental health crisis; hospitalization cycle
• [19:21–21:25] — Suicide attempt in residential facility
• [22:55–32:45] — The car crash: mental state, compulsion, immediate aftermath
• [32:46–38:40] — Hospitalization, family fallout, therapy
• [46:01–Ending] — Dropping medication, philosophical reflection, self-forgiveness

Closing Notes

This episode stands as an unflinching exploration of trauma and accountability from the first-person perspective of someone who has both suffered and caused profound harm. Brittany’s willingness to share the raw, granular details of her pain, mistakes, and redemption offers listeners a rare, nuanced understanding of mental illness and the tangled nature of "forgiveness"—both of oneself and from others.

For support resources, see the show notes on the episode page.

Next in the series: The following episode features Brittany’s mother’s perspective on the story.