The Best Of 2025 Part 2

Summary

This Is Important – “The Best Of 2025 Part 2”

Podcast: This Is Important
Episode Date: December 18, 2025
Hosts: Adam Devine, Anders Holm (Ders), Blake Anderson, Kyle Newacheck
(Summary covers content starting at ~03:25, after the show intro and ads)

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Episode Overview

In this “best of” compilation, Adam, Anders, Blake, and Kyle reunite to riff on an eclectic mix of topics with their signature blend of absurdist humor, nostalgia, and unfiltered takes. From parenting mishaps and generational slang to the decline of Hooters and wild adolescent stories, the crew candidly reminisces, debates, and jokes about what’s “important” in their corner of the universe.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. “Don’t Go to McDonald’s” – A Running Gag

• The hosts open with a riff on comedian Sebastian Maniscalco’s stand-up style (03:25–04:43), parodying his repeated punchlines about McDonald’s.

  “Hey, you'd be surprised, actually. ... If you want a quadruple cheeseburger, don't go to McDonald's.” – Blake (04:05)

2. Boating Mishaps & Parenting Stories

• Blake recounts a moment when his child almost lost the keys to Kyle’s boat, leading to a tangent on boat design (“so many slits!”).

  “Dude, out of all the random slits on the boat, this was the most random.” – Blake (06:21)

• Discussion about floaty keychains and child-proofing boats (05:01–06:41).

3. Kids’ Slang & Cultural Transmission

• The group debates the longevity of juvenile slang (“Oh yeah”, “Skibidi toilet”, “Ohio”, “giving”) and marvels at how generational in-jokes persist and spread (07:06–14:00).
  • Adam notices, “Kids are so universally programmed now. ... Like, everything's got... everything is Ohio.” (09:22–09:34)
  • The evolution of regional slang (“cats”, “hella”, “pop”, “wetted”) and its fade or transformation across locations and eras.

4. The Oscars & Hollywood Parties

• The hosts half-mock the importance of the Oscars, discussing snubs, parties, and missed celebrity opportunities (14:48–16:19).

  “I didn't watch [the Oscars] this year. ... I feel bad about that.” – Adam (15:11)
  “You got invited to the Elton John party?” – Adam (15:58)

5. Celebrity Encounters & “Getting Knighted”

• The conversation turns risqué as the hosts joke about being “knighted” by Sir Elton John at a party (16:43–17:55).

  “If Sir Elton John says, there’s a way I can make you a knight tonight, and all you have to do is—” – Blake (17:00)
  “He puts the dick on each side and then right down the middle, I would do… I would let him do that to me.” – Blake (17:17)

6. Childhood Chaos & Near-Death Experiences

• Adam shares his infamous childhood stories—moving states, a Frito-Lay family, being hit by a cement truck, and OD’ing on lewds (16:46–23:47).

  “So I had eaten, like, a solid, like, ten lewds. Like, it was like death. And then out of nowhere, ding dong, a man with a white cowboy hat rings the doorbell. Obviously there to buy quaaludes.” – Adam (22:27)
  “The doctor was like, he would have died if we would have drove straight to the hospital. He needed to get this out of his system.” – Adam (23:06)

7. Generational Humor & “Murder, She Wrote”

• Nostalgic hat tip to old TV, especially “Murder, She Wrote” (32:30–34:09), with the hosts debating whether Angela Lansbury was ever a “babe” and mocking the show’s plot logic.

8. Admitting Ignorance & The Intelligence Debate

• The guys candidly admit their dumb moments, riffing on emotional intelligence, horoscopes, and the value (or lack thereof) of “knowing things” (35:02–37:09).

  “You know what? I like you admitting that you’re dumb. I’m willing to admit I’m dumb. I’m much more a fan of people who can admit they’re dumb than cannot admit they’re dumb.” – Adam (35:24)

9. Physical Insecurities & Anatomy Oddities

• Adam discusses his proportionally equal torso and legs, making for easy floor touches, sparking a debate over belts as style choices and physical quirks (38:19–41:44).

  “I want one flowing section so no one can tell that my lower half is the exact same length as my torso. And I'm very, very awkwardly shaped.” – Adam (38:39)

10. Joking About Auto-Fellatio & Adolescence

• The crew engages in adolescent-style laughter about “trying to suck your own dick,” recalling attempts and hypothetical scenarios (41:05–44:44).

  “If I had an extra inch, I could suck my own... 69. One more inch.” – Adam (41:31)

11. Late-Night Volume, Drunkenness, and Steely Dan

• Blake confesses to hiding the power cord to his JBL party box to curb late-night drunken music sessions—before relapsing and blasting Steely Dan on “Oscar night” (45:15–47:09).

  “So I unplugged it and I hid the cord. ... But here’s my saving grace: I was cranking freaking Steely Dan.” – Blake (45:34)

12. Delivery Drivers Sneaking Food – Moral Dilemmas

• Classic “Is that scumbag or just human?” debate about delivery drivers eating a customer’s fries (48:32–49:54).

  “If someone paid for the food, they should have all their food.” – Adam (48:53) “Fries are communal.”—Blake (49:54)

13. Nostalgia for Hooters & Objectifying Restaurant Trends

• Joking about the bankruptcy of Hooters, potential spinoffs (e.g., “Cooters”, “Cougars”), and their enduring love for “big old titties jumping on trampolines” (55:29–57:55).

  “I miss the time when we as men could just as a society say that we like tits, dude.” – Adam (55:29)

14. Tech Talk, Party Culture, and Communal Porn

• Stray nostalgia about computers (Gateways, Dells), early-2000s file-sharing, communal porn at pre-games, and “classic” porno clips (86:20–87:54).

15. Testicular Casts & Measuring Manhood

• A sprawling tangent on casting rockstars’ penises (The Plaster Casters and Jimi Hendrix’s legendary “branch”) and the hypothetical anthropological value of displaying famous men’s genitalia (87:54–89:39).

16. Upside-Down Pineapples & Swinger Codes

• Adam explains the “pineapple” symbol as code for swingers, particularly at Lake of the Ozarks (77:18–78:28).

  “Weirdly, my parents taught me a lot of this, because in Lake of the Ozarks there’s like a big swinger community.” – Adam (78:20)

17. Bar Fights & Subways—Would You Snap?

• The group constructs elaborate, comically macho (and bizarre) hypotheticals about how they’d respond to being punched on the subway: unbuttoning shirts, “crazy” tattoos, and who’d be most likely to actually scrap (104:44–114:09).

  “If you hit someone, like, I'm jacked as fuck. ... If I catch someone just right, he's toast, dude. I don't want to kill a man on the subway.” – Adam (111:20)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On generational slang:

  “No, it's not as graphic as you think ... but it is disturbing to hear come from a child's mouth.”
  —Adam, 08:03

• On childhood chaos:

  “You told it live.”
  —Anders, prompting Adam’s lewds story, 19:47

• On Hooters and canceled man-ness:

  “I miss the time when we as men could just as a society say that we like tits, dude. We like them, okay? ... That doesn’t make you less of a man, you do you, but I’d say the majority of straight men, like, love some big old, big old titties jumping on trampolines.”
  —Adam, 55:29–56:01

• On handling a punch on the subway:

  “Do you want to be the person who goes, ‘I just got punched. I'm in a fight now’? Who do you want to be?”
  —Blake, 111:11

• Referencing “Murder, She Wrote” as a cultural touchstone:

  “Isn’t that always crazy? ... when you grow up watching old people and you don’t realize they had a whole career as a different thing before?”
  —Blake, 34:08

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Section Timestamps

• Sebastian Maniscalco bits / McDonald's riff: 03:25–04:43
• Boat key mishaps & parenting: 04:50–06:41
• Generation Alpha slang (“Skibidi toilet”, “Ohio”): 07:06–14:00
• Oscars, parties, Elton John, knighthood bit: 14:48–17:55
• Adam’s wild childhood & lewds story: 16:46–23:47
• “Murder, She Wrote” debate, TV & aging: 32:30–34:09
• Dumbness & Emotional Intelligence: 35:02–37:09
• Body image, belts, and torso/leg ratios: 38:19–41:44
• Auto-fellatio and adolescent oddities: 41:05–44:44
• Drunk music rituals and Steely Dan: 45:15–47:09
• Delivery driver food-theft ethical debate: 48:32–49:54
• Hooters nostalgia and restaurant culture: 55:29–59:00
• Pineapples, swingers, Ozarks: 77:18–78:28
• Bar/subway fight hypotheticals / “snapping”: 104:44–114:09

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Tonal Notes

The show is unfiltered and honest, brash and bro-y, often weaving crass humor and absurd hypotheticals with moments of genuine nostalgia or vulnerability. The hosts riff off each other with inside jokes, shared history, and performative bravado, inviting listeners to feel like they’re part of a never-ending hangout.

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This episode is classic “This Is Important”: delightfully pointless, weirdly relatable, never quite staying on topic, but staying entertaining throughout.

Transcript

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[D]

I thought beef fat is. I thought, well, who doesn't like beef fat?

[A]

Vegetarian. Vegetarian.

[D]

I forget. Dude. I forget about them, right?

[A]

Yeah, you do.

[D]

I really do. I forget about them all the time.

[C]

Don't go. Hey, vegetarians don't go to McDonald's.

[D]

Don't go to me. That's cool. I didn't realize. Sebastian Maniscalco is on the podcast. Thanks. Thanks for joining us, Sebastian.

[A]

Hey, Sebastian. I'm a huge fan. I'm a huge fan, dude.

[D]

Wow. Blake's a huge fan.

[C]

Hey, look, I'm just saying, if you're vegan, don't go to me.

[A]

No, we heard that joke. We heard that one.

[D]

Wait, Sebastian, you can't just repeat the same.

[C]

Hey, you'd be surprised, actually. I'm not basing it on anything now. I'm just trying to say things with an accent that doesn't sound like him. What else? They got a double cheeseburger. They got a triple cheeseburger. If you want a quadruple cheeseburger, don't go to McDonald's.

[D]

Your boobs are huge.

[A]

Hey, you're winning me over, dude.

[C]

Don't go to McDonald's. That's the best friends.

[D]

I understand why he's the one of the biggest comics in the world after. After that. Dude, I get it. I get it.

[A]

Oh, Bo.

[D]

God.

[C]

You want Pepsi products? Don't go to McDonald's.

[D]

Don't go to McDonald's. Right?

[A]

Really good dirt. Really good.

[C]

Guys, we're back.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Blake's Blake's child almost ruined my life by stealing the keys to my boat and throwing them overboard.

[A]

Well, we should never leave.

[C]

You don't have a little floaty on your keychain.

[A]

He does on one, but he doesn't on the other.

[D]

No, I don't. I do have one, and the other broke off.

[C]

Those are, like, the coolest thing.

[A]

Yeah, it broke off. Off.

[D]

It broke off.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Hey, look, don't go.

[C]

If you don't have a floaty on your keychain, don't go in the water.

[D]

Don't go.

[A]

You need to replace that. You can't have a key just sitting there with no. No floaty on it. You're asking for trouble.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Look at Blake defending his child. I love it.

[D]

Yeah, I know, I know. But normally I don't have three year olds on my boat.

[A]

Unattended.

[D]

Unattended, like you allowed your child to do on my.

[A]

No, come on. We were. Me and Isaac were there. We were just shotgun. Beers.

[D]

Yeah. Just not watching the children.

[A]

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I don't know how it happened. She just approached me with two keys in her hand and I'm like, you got to put those back.

[D]

That's wild.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

That's wild that she was able to get them because it's kind of high up and to get them off, it was. I'm. I'm pretty impressed.

[C]

She knows what she's doing, dude.

[A]

So I'm like, put him back. And then she put one back and then I heard her go like. And then of course it fell in the most, like, random little slit in the boat. We thought we had to like, lift the seats, but it was a whole ordeal.

[B]

We got it.

[D]

They got it. They got it.

[C]

Dude, out of all the random slits on the boat, this was the most random.

[A]

Dude, you'd never know boats have so many slits.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

Have you noticed how many slits are on your boat?

[D]

Too many slits. I never counted the amount of slits on my boat.

[A]

Okay, well, you should.

[D]

But I do know that there are many slits.

[C]

What are you even doing?

[A]

Crazy. How many slits are on the boat? I don't. I'm not.

[C]

I'm not.

[D]

Count the amount of slits on your boat. Don't go to McDonald's.

[C]

I don't give a.

[A]

Honestly. Honestly.

[D]

Dude, this is Stouts. People are no longer going. Oh, remember how that was kind of taking. Taking over for. For a minute?

[C]

Oh, can I tell you something?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Haven't we. Did we cover this?

[D]

No. Did we? No.

[A]

It was you. It was you talking to me off pod. Believe it or not.

[C]

It's off pod.

[D]

Oh. And then I bring.

[A]

Believe it or not.

[C]

This works. This works good. It's all my seven year old does. He walks around the house. He walks around the house going.

[A]

And give me a hell.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

My wife doesn't just look at each other like, what is going on? He doesn't. He doesn't.

[D]

No. There's no way he knows at that.

[A]

At that.

[D]

I mean, I don't know.

[A]

Yeah. His hands aren't in his pockets.

[C]

He might have heard something. He has no idea. But he does it constantly. And Blake, you were saying it made its way through your household.

[A]

Yes. It travels. It's a. It is a thing amongst the youngsters, the.

[D]

Oh, wait, so your 11 year old daughter is doing it. Oh, you might have to have a sit down.

[A]

No, it's not. It's not as graphic as you think, but it is. It is disturbing to hear come from a child's child's mouth.

[C]

Dude, when my mom came to visit and he ripped a couple in front of her.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[A]

She looked at me like, it's like that. That what? And I was like, yeah, it's more like that. It's like, oh, yeah. Yes, like, oh yeah.

[D]

Oh yeah.

[C]

Which is even worse.

[A]

It's not like. But it's not like, dude, that's way worse.

[C]

That's way worse for my kid. It's all the above. It's. It's. And then he goes. And it's like full body. It's a. It's not just a noise as he walks past. It's a full body. Full body situation.

[D]

So what's so funny about this is. I mean, Blake. Oh yeah. Your daughter is at the age where in two years she will for sure know what that means. Very shagadelic.

[A]

They're in sex edit right now. She's in sex ed.

[D]

So she does know. And she does it in front of you. That's. That's lunatic behavior.

[A]

That's why I'm saying it's not her going. It's. It's like, oh, yeah. It's just. It's what kids do. They all do it, bro.

[D]

Yeah. Okay. Here I thought it was dead. Dude.

[A]

Kids are so universally programmed now. It's crazy.

[B]

Like everything's got.

[A]

Everything is Ohio. No, it's just like we weren't all on the same bra brain wavelength as kids.

[D]

Yeah, but we kind of were for whatever reason. Dude, you regional little boy in outside of Chicago, Little boy in Omaha, Little boy not even anywhere near Oakland. Even though he claims it.

[A]

No.

[D]

Little boys all heard this. The same story about a Marilyn Manson removing a rib and sucking his own dick. We're all on the same wavelength.

[A]

That is. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point.

[C]

But as far as like I told you dude slang and things that are people throwing around. Like you guys weren't saying cats. That's something that I grew up saying cats constantly.

[A]

Oh, cats.

[D]

Cats.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Fucking beat it out of me.

[A]

Yeah, you're damn.

[C]

Now I say dudes way too much.

[D]

Yeah, I'm always a lot of dudes. I'm always dropping dudes. A casual dude.

[C]

I'm a dude. But like, never said hella. I know. That's a BAE thing.

[A]

Well, yeah. Now it's everywhere.

[C]

And what was the Omaha thing you brought to the table?

[A]

Runs Us.

[D]

Yeah. We have no slang. We have no slang.

[C]

There's got to be something.

[D]

I'm still gonna send it. Yeah. We say pop, you know, that's just a Midwestern thing.

[C]

Yeah, but like that when you're talking about when you shoot somebody, right? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Pop that pheasant.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

On my block, we said wedded, but, you know, okay. Like, we're saying to each their own now.

[D]

It's all the same suburban block that.

[A]

I've seen very wedded. I wedded that feather.

[C]

Do you see me wet that pheasant?

[D]

I'm wetted Friendship.

[A]

Yeah. It feels good, doesn't it?

[D]

That's. That's insane.

[C]

Skibidi toilet is real.

[A]

Skibidi toilet.

[D]

I'm kind of. I kind of thought that that had died.

[A]

No, it's happening in resurgence.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

It's. It's happening in children.

[D]

Is it the thing that it. Like, once the adults are sort of. You know, because the Internet, things will come and go so quickly, but then they'll just get stuck in kid in kiddom.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And then they'll. They'll keep it up for five. Five to ten years.

[A]

Yeah, I. I know. Like, that's. The other thing is, like, now coming from the point of view of, like, a parent is, like, seeing how long some of this has shelf life for. It's like, I could have swore Ohio was.

[B]

Was done.

[A]

It's still thriving.

[D]

What is it?

[C]

And we've covered this a little bit about, like, words lasting longer than you thought they would. Like, I can't believe dope is still around.

[D]

What is Ohio?

[C]

Go ahead, Blake.

[A]

I don't even know how to explain Ohio. I even, like, worm the Internet to try to find out, but, like, kids think it's, like, summed. The Internet.

[C]

I know this dude's dropping words. We don't know about words.

[D]

We wormed the Internet, dude.

[A]

They think it's like some kind of Google mystical. Mystical place or something. Or it's, like, haunted. There's just a whole. I remember there being a little B song about Ohio.

[D]

So in context, how do you. How do you use. How do you use it?

[A]

I don't even.

[B]

It just.

[A]

It just can go in front of anything.

[C]

Like, they just say it. They just say it. It's just a thing.

[A]

You just say it, bro.

[C]

Ohio. Skibidi toilet.

[D]

So they just say, like, oh, dude, my. My dad's house is so Ohio or Ohio.

[A]

Skibidi toilet.

[D]

Okay. Hey, when you string it all together, I kind of like the brain rod.

[C]

But he's not even lying. It could like, yo, let's go run to Starbucks and get some coffee. And someone will be like, Ohio SC to that.

[A]

And you're like, sigma confirmation.

[C]

Cool. Sigma.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's just words that it's. I think it's like their language and they know that old like us don't understand it, so it's fun to throw around.

[D]

And that's why they, that's why they like it so much.

[A]

Yeah, it just cuz it, it pisses us off. It's like, stop saying Ohio.

[C]

The other one we've talked about before is giving. Dude. I was around my niece and her friends.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And they were throwing giving around so casually and so just like without missing a step.

[D]

I'm pissed now. I'm so excited to tell my fully grown 32 year old wife that so she can stop doing it.

[C]

Yeah, they're 14, so come on.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, come on, dude, just embrace it.

[D]

You don't want to be like the 14 year old. Come on.

[A]

Giving old geezer, bro. Chill.

[C]

We can move on from like that, I guess. Isaac, what's on the list? What's next on the list? Sorry, I, I jumped the list with Taquitos.

[A]

Isaac. Isaac has scripted our first episode. We're on script today.

[D]

So he's. He called me so excited. He called me about something else. But then he was, he was like, dude, today on the podcast I'm gonna do, I'm gonna like write things down and put it in the chat of things that you guys can talk about. And I'm like, I think we've done like 400 episodes. I don't know if you have to, but yeah, okay. Yeah, I feel like you're doing a thing, getting radical. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna chime in with like a bunch of stuff. Like have a whole list. That way you guys can just look at it. You, you could talk about if you want to. You don't have to. And I'm like, obviously we don't have to. And then he only wrote the Oscars. That's the only thing on the list.

[C]

Dude, 20 minutes ago, getting radical.

[D]

He had a who.

[A]

And we appreciate it.

[D]

And then he just writes the Oscars. And by the way, we don't give a about the Oscars. Are we, are we gonna go in deep on the Oscars?

[C]

And this episode comes out after everyone's talked about the Oscars.

[D]

The Oscars, dude.

[A]

Oscar.

[D]

Oscar.

[A]

Who gives a. I didn't watch them this year. I feel bad about that.

[C]

Yeah, I was at your dinner.

[A]

Yeah. Well, thank you for showing up. I appreciate that Adam's gonna crash it tonight.

[D]

But I was not crashing. I cleared it with. I cleared it with your significant.

[A]

Thank you. The streets. The streets were quiet last night. There was nobody in la. They must have been at the Oscar parties. Not where I was because the streets were quiet.

[C]

Yeah, you were on the east side. And everyone who matters in this town was in West Hollywood. Sorry.

[A]

Well, it didn't feel. It didn't feel great to not be invited to any Oscar parties, I will tell you that much.

[D]

Oh, you weren't.

[A]

What?

[D]

That sucks for you, were you? Yeah.

[A]

Dude, what the hell? Yeah. Sorry, which one?

[C]

Hell yeah. That's where he was. He wasn't at the party.

[D]

The Elton John afterparty and the viewing party.

[A]

You got invited to the Elton John party?

[D]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

Yeah, man.

[C]

And you went so pissed.

[A]

Please tell me you went.

[D]

I did not go.

[A]

Why wouldn't you go to Elton John's party?

[D]

I was at home in Orange County. I can't. I could be up here.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh. Not even for Elton John. Make the trip.

[D]

Not even for Elton John, dude.

[A]

Sir Elton John.

[D]

You know, I ran into. I saw Elton John at a Hamburger Hamlet one time. That was a good spotting.

[A]

What the hell?

[C]

Yeah, he used to just hang out there because he lived in that apartment building across the street.

[D]

That's right. That's right.

[A]

Oh, okay. I like this. You guys are real Hollywood insiders.

[D]

Hollywood fat cats.

[A]

I can't believe you didn't go the Elton John party. I would do everything to go there.

[D]

You would go down on someone?

[A]

Yeah, I would. I would go down on. If you're at Elton John's party and starts to really turn up.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And the. The. The five hour energies are pouring. Well, I' before.

[D]

And I don't think anyone.

[C]

Adam, let him finish this thought. Let him finish this thought, Adam.

[A]

Oh, if Sir. If. Sir.

[C]

Talk about him.

[A]

If Sir Elton John says, there's a way that I can make you a night tonight. And all you have to do is.

[C]

He takes his dick and goes like this on your shoulders.

[A]

He puts the dick on each side and then right down the middle, I would do.

[C]

I would let him do that to me. If it was filmed and, like, we could show it on the pod, even if it didn't make me a knight, I would love for him to go like this with his dick on my shoulders and then go. You've been knighted.

[D]

You would love that.

[A]

You would love that. Absolutely.

[D]

I don't know if it's very funny.

[A]

This is a rock legend, and he's knighting you with his. Dude, that. Unreal. You're feeling the love tonight, baby.

[C]

Not, like, alone at his house with no cameras on, but, like, for the bit.

[A]

No, There's a circle of dudes around you. Yeah.

[D]

Okay. And what are the circle of dudes doing in this? They're just drinking. They got their dicks out too, are they?

[C]

They're in and around you?

[A]

No, they're just watching with their hands in their pocket. Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Well, they're chanting, night him.

[D]

Night.

[C]

Their hands are in their pockets and they're in and around you. What. What is the big night in the pocket. Hands in the pocket. Chance. I've never seen. We've got to do this bit between the Hands in Pocket chant and the Dick Nightingale.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, someone's gonna steal it. SNL's gonna do it.

[D]

Please don't destroy. Boys, we're gonna have this bit next week.

[A]

Dude, I'm telling you, you should have gone to that party, dude. You missed out. It could have been really fun.

[D]

Yeah, I blew. I blew it.

[C]

Wait, so you were six months old to two?

[D]

Yeah, it was six months to two. My dad was driving for Frito Lay. Frito Lay Chips.

[A]

What a legend.

[C]

Where were you before?

[D]

Waterloo, Iowa.

[C]

Where were you after Iowa? Okay.

[A]

They always come back, don't they? I'll eventually get back.

[D]

Yeah. You never lived.

[C]

There's Waterloo, Sunsets. I tell you.

[D]

And then. But my parents said that they had to move because I came out in the.

[C]

We gotta go. We gotta go.

[D]

Front yard. And said that it looks like it's fixing to rain. Oh. And they were like, we can't. We can't have this accent. This is.

[B]

That shit's important.

[D]

This is too. That's blood. I mean, yeah, I think I was. I was a little bit of a dunce at two and a half. And I also OD'd on. On what. What were the painkillers that everyone used to.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

This was the.

[B]

You.

[D]

This is a classic story.

[C]

Lewdes.

[D]

Lewds. Yeah.

[A]

You told it live.

[D]

Yeah. Quaaludes. Quaaludes. Yeah.

[A]

Your mom saw an angel.

[D]

Did I tell that live in Oklahoma? Because that would have been a great place to tell it.

[A]

You did. You did.

[D]

Okay, good. Don't remember. Don't remember.

[C]

Adam, I love these. This. This string of events that happened to you that. What. Where else could you be but where you are now having done lewds, got hit by a cement truck. Oklahoma. And what else? I think that's kind of it.

[D]

Yeah, that's kind of it. Yeah. I fell out of a tree once, but that's not as cool. I fell out of a tree and broke my arm, but that's not as cool as.

[C]

Yeah, now you're just talking about stuff.

[D]

As doing lewds and shit. Yeah, no, that's just a thing that happens to kids, but, like, getting hit by cement trucks and Odin on lewds, dude, epic. Yeah, that's cool.

[B]

That's a young. Go hard.

[C]

Saved by an angel, right?

[D]

Yeah, that's what my mom says. Yeah. Well, I'll quickly retell the story. It's been a while. Yeah.

[A]

Okay, come on, people.

[C]

I mean, your mom was. It sounds like your mom was on the loose.

[D]

I don't have to. You guys tell me. Should I tell the story or should I not tell the story?

[A]

Okay, we're taking.

[C]

Wind it up.

[A]

We're taking a boat, and it's been a while. Go ahead, man. Wind it up.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

All right.

[D]

So my mom's friend and neighbor, she was having problems with her boyfriend. Okay, well, act in interested, both of you. Looks down. Durs is like, sipping on something. You're, like, picking your nose. You're off in the corner.

[C]

Are you gonna.

[A]

I'm just not.

[C]

What do you want us to do? You want us to finish?

[D]

Well, hey, I don't need to. Need to tell the story, but you're.

[C]

Not telling it for us.

[D]

Okay? All right. Okay, fine. If you guys want a quick bathroom break, fine. I'll quickly tell the story. Here we go.

[C]

So. Okay, go to the. I'm FaceTiming you from the bathroom.

[D]

Killing me, dude. No, this is. So I was. That. My mom was having. Her friend was having problems with her boyfriend, and so she took us over to their apartment. We lived in an apartment complex. Sat me down on the couch, was talking to the. The mom, the other woman in the living room or in the kitchen. My mom looks over at me, and I have that little naughty little boy face on, you know, they're like, ooh, ooh, doing something naughty. And she goes, what'd you. What you got there? And I came over, and there was, like, a baggie full of lewds. And. But there was only, like, a few left, like. And my mom goes, how many were in here? And she was like, I think that was full of, like. Like a full, like, inch thick all around the bottom. And so I had eaten, like, a solid, like, 10 loots. Like, it was like death. And then out of nowhere, ding dong, a man with a white cowboy hat rings the doorbell. Obviously there to buy quaaludes.

[C]

And this. This apartment is on another level. Go ahead.

[A]

It's popping, dude.

[D]

And so my mom was like, quick, you have to take my son to the hospital. And this guy's like, I guess so, little missy, you know, or however you talk. Then took us the wrong direction from the hospital and took us to a pharmacy. Went in, bought epicac, came out. I puked all over his truck. We got. When we got to the hospital, the doctor was like, he would have died if we would have drove straight to the hospital. He needed to get this out of his system.

[C]

Just another example of Adam Devine cheating death.

[D]

This man saved his life, and then he was nowhere to be found.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah. I. If. If I was for sure on drugs, save some kids life, I'm on the. I'm on the lamb for a couple weeks.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he was nice enough to save the kid's life. I feel like a lot of people would have been like, nope, peace. This is too much for me and my quillo brain.

[C]

Yeah, but if you're rocking a white cowboy hat.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You gotta.

[D]

You stand.

[A]

Show up. You got to show up for something.

[C]

For the kids, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You're into kids for sure.

[D]

What?

[A]

Saving kids.

[D]

What?

[A]

Saving kids.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Yeah. So that's. That's the story.

[A]

That's a good one.

[D]

Yeah, that was a. My mom still is convinced that. That it was a. An angel. That was. And my dad's like, for sure. He's there to.

[B]

For sure.

[A]

He's there to buy drugs.

[C]

Honey, that was a drug den.

[B]

That shit's important.

[C]

Widely known. That's why we moved there. I was driving Fritos.

[D]

I don't know if Blake knows this. And Ders actually had seen this couch too. It's the couch that I lived on for many years and moved out to California with. And then it made its way all the way to Hamlin. Not to Hamlin. It made its way to Packard Street.

[A]

Wow, dude, that's. We should have checked it in between the.

[C]

Wow, dude. This dude's just casually saying soundboards now.

[A]

Wow, dude.

[D]

And the reason we got that couch was because he felt so bad that that woman felt so bad that I almost died on the couch. Yeah, she gave us the couch. How funny would it be if we found, like, way, way more drugs in the couch?

[C]

Yeah, there's no doubt.

[A]

That's what I'm thinking. Did we check the cushions? There might have been a stash. Maybe she was trying to hook you up.

[D]

That would have been so sick.

[B]

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[C]

Because I keep saying, wind it up.

[D]

Oh, it's science.

[C]

Peace up a. Yeah, I keep saying peace up a town.

[A]

What's the one she says where she's like. Like, he's got a wiener, and then.

[C]

She'S got a 9 inch wiener. And then she goes, oh, no, it's not that wiener. Tap the wire. Tap the rotisser. I keep saying that. It's unreal. Tap that wiener. Tap that wire tether. It's unreal.

[D]

She'll also say like, something like, my mom has herpes.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Crabs. No. She's like, my father has murdered President Joe Biden. He's buried in the backyard. I don't know. And just will say shit like that. And you're like, oh, shit.

[C]

Yeah. I'm like, is that a tick? What's happening here? That's pretty complex. Tick.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Huh.

[A]

Sometimes it's almost like, you know, like, I feel like there's been a Murder, She Wrote episode where, like, the parrot is the one that, like, tells you that they murdered somebody. Where it's like, help, help. He's stabbing me. That's kind of a good little twist on it.

[C]

Classic.

[A]

I watch a lot of Murder, She Wrote.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I watch a lot.

[C]

Is that a good twist?

[D]

Is that a classic? Yeah, I don't know if that's a classic. Yeah, I guess. I don't. I don't remember watching a lot of Murders She Wrote, but.

[A]

Oh, you got to tap in.

[C]

I just watched an episode recently on Angela Landsberry. She just kind of like walks around like, oh, guess what? And then, like, what? And then she moves into another room and she goes, you guys see this? They go, we didn't see that. And then she's like, oh, you should have seen it. It's crazy.

[A]

Ace of the show is great, and because she's not gonna, like, run, so.

[D]

The show's kind of bad, but like.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. It's very entertaining.

[C]

She used to win Emmys, like, every year for that show.

[D]

Yes. Yeah. But they used to be a little willy Nilly with those Emmys, right?

[C]

What do you mean?

[A]

No, they're more willy Nilly now.

[C]

Yeah. What are we talking about?

[A]

You had to earn this shit. That's how good she is. She doesn't have to ever. She never runs, she never jumps, she never bends down. It's just like.

[C]

She just shoots looks and is like.

[D]

I'm out of here.

[A]

She looks, she sits down, she types and she talks.

[D]

But I thought the way you guys were just explaining Murder, She Wrote is like. She's like, oh, you didn't see that clue? Well, you should have seen that clue. And then she was.

[C]

Yeah, but she did it better than anybody on television, Adam.

[D]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

She hypnotizes you with it. It's insane. She's.

[D]

Because of how slow she talks. Because she's an old woman.

[A]

You just have to watch it.

[D]

Yeah, you're right.

[C]

And by the way, when she was young, she was a babe.

[D]

What? Let's bring up.

[C]

Isn't that always crazy? Like, when you. When you grow up watching old people and you don't realize they had a whole career as a different thing before.

[A]

Like, I'm gonna come.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're just. You're just saying that the thing with my brain is that it doesn't work.

[D]

Is that it's. Yeah, it doesn't work.

[A]

That's what you're saying. Okay, yeah, fair enough.

[C]

I would say that's almost more normal than what's wrong with mine.

[A]

Yeah, that's not very kind, but.

[D]

No, you're smart guys in some aspects.

[A]

And I can tell you don't mean it. This is the most unsuccess sincere you've ever been sincere.

[C]

When it's insincere, it's so serious.

[D]

No, that I would say that we're in the same boat. I was about to add that we're in the same boat.

[A]

I don't. That doesn't make it better. You can't just on me and then say, I also suck.

[D]

You're so dumb. Just. I. I don't suck. I rock, dude. But. But I'm so dumb, dude. And so are you. And so is Durs, just in a different way.

[C]

Is there something you do know about?

[A]

What, Adam?

[C]

Is there something you know about that would, like, shock anyone?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

No.

[C]

Like the Civil War or some.

[A]

Nah, the Silver War.

[C]

Nom. You know about Nam?

[A]

Nam?

[D]

Nah.

[A]

You know about now you don't know about Nam, bro.

[D]

Absolutely. I don't know about that. You're right. If. If anyone knew Anything about it. That would be more than what I know about it.

[A]

I will say. You know what? I like you admitting that you're dumb. I'm willing to admit I'm dumb. I'm much more a fan of people who can admit they're dumb than cannot admit they're dumb. Right. I don't like people who think they're smart, and they're obviously not.

[C]

I feel like Blake's talking about smart people, though.

[A]

Well, you're.

[C]

You're dumb too, though, right?

[D]

Aren't you?

[A]

Who's the smartest person you know, personally?

[D]

Well, they're not in our friend group for sure. Like.

[C]

And. And what. And what is smart? Like knowing things or being like, very capable people?

[A]

Exactly. Okay, what is smart? I think I'm very emotional, intelligent. I'm very in touch. I can very in tune.

[C]

I mean, that's what dumb people say.

[D]

Yeah, that's what. No, that's what say.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

You know what I mean? Like, if you don't know anything, you're like. But I know emotions because you're crying every day.

[A]

You know what?

[D]

I do know emotions because I'm crying because I don't understand things.

[A]

That's worth a lot. You just wait because when the hits the fan, you're gonna. You're gonna need people like me.

[D]

I'm emotionally intelligent because I cry a lot because I don't understand things, and it really frightens and scares me.

[A]

That is not what emotional intelligence means. It doesn't mean sensitivity and crying sensitive.

[D]

Well, that. This is what, you know.

[C]

What does it mean, you genius.

[D]

And the horoscopes, I bet also in crystals.

[A]

It has some things to do with crystals. Yes. Okay. Crystal burger as well. Hell yeah. You know, it's just being able to identify when people are going through being, you know, being kind to them and really not just like, laying in on them when they're very vulnerable and need a friend.

[C]

I don't even understand what you're talking about.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I'm breaking your guys brains made, dude. Yes, yes. Let's package it in the.

[C]

Wait, so you're telling me you can understand when people are, like, going through something?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, I'll take your word for it.

[D]

Yeah, sure. Doubt it.

[C]

Huh?

[D]

Oh, yeah, I'm a huh.

[A]

Well, okay, so you don't have anybody in your life who's smart. You don't have a subject that you think you excel in that you're really smart about? Maybe we are just really dumb people.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. It's Established.

[C]

We've logged hours to prove this. Well, come on the.

[A]

Come on the cruise and be done with us.

[D]

Yeah, that's. We're fun. I'll say that. You're showing off your legs.

[C]

That's what you.

[A]

So you try to take. You try to distract from your lower half. Adam is. Everything is above the belt.

[C]

If you have a belt, you. You're showing off your legs.

[D]

Yes. That's. That's taking a shine to the. The lower half. Me. I'm trying to hide the lower half.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I didn't realize that a belt.

[A]

It does.

[D]

It does. It's. It's. It's breaking you off into two. Into two segments.

[C]

I'm going break you off.

[D]

It's breaking you off into two segments. I don't want anyone to realize.

[C]

Guys, I thought it was highlighting your dick because it's right there.

[D]

It is. No, no, you're wrong. You couldn't be more wrong.

[A]

You're way off.

[C]

Right. It's like a mat. You can't see your dick at all.

[D]

It's breaking you off into two sections.

[C]

Sure.

[D]

I want one flowing section so no one can tell that my lower half is the exact same length as my torso. And I'm very, very awkwardly shaped. It's science.

[A]

Okay. You're your.

[C]

Isn't that.

[A]

Okay, good.

[C]

Your torso and your.

[A]

No, I think you want to be.

[D]

The exact same length. No, you would want your legs to be a little longer.

[C]

My torso's too long.

[A]

Okay. Wow. Look at my. Guys just take your.

[D]

Weirdly, I didn't realize.

[A]

And you don't wear belts.

[D]

You can easily. You can, like, touch your elbows to the ground. Then what? Because your torso's so long. Your legs are tiny.

[A]

What in the Jennifer Hudson tunnel did you do, brother?

[D]

I'm saying. Dude, I'm saying that my torso and my leg legs are the exact same length.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[D]

So I can easily bend over and touch the ground. It really has nothing to do with how flexible I am.

[A]

Right.

[D]

It's the fact that my torso is the same length as my legs. Okay. And Ders is leaving endurance, says his torso is longer than his legs, which I do not believe.

[A]

He's bending over right now, and you.

[C]

Can touch your elbows to the ground.

[D]

No, no, no, no. I thought you could because you said your torso.

[A]

Feel free.

[D]

I got. I gotta take a look.

[C]

Can anybody.

[A]

Yeah, I've seen that.

[C]

Anyone touch their elbows.

[D]

I could. I could. When I was in elbows. Yeah.

[A]

That's incredible.

[D]

When I was, like, in eighth grade.

[C]

The l part of Your bow.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This part.

[A]

That's crazy.

[D]

And now I can just palm it it. But that's legit.

[C]

I feel like people can't even touch the floor with their fingertips.

[D]

Well, and that's why I'm saying I'm. I'm awkwardly shaped. I have. It's just. It's too. It's too like grabbing my.

[C]

But I don't think that's what. That's what makes your shape awkward. Just so you know.

[A]

Oh my God. And Adam is.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You just grabbed your toes like. It was not. He just put his own in his mouth. Adam.

[C]

Just his own dick. Real quick. Dude, if you're on YouTube, you have.

[D]

No idea how many times I've tried.

[A]

Yeah, I think I do.

[D]

Is it more.

[A]

Made us write it into workaholics. So.

[D]

I don't know if it's more than 10, but it's. It's more than.

[A]

I think I. I think I could.

[D]

I would say three to five times.

[A]

I can do it.

[D]

That was hard for you, though.

[A]

That was very hard. I think I tore a ligament.

[C]

Right. It's like two times before puberty and then three or four times after.

[D]

What you say? D. Sorry.

[C]

I was just saying, like, trying to suck your own dick is like two times before puberty and then like three or four where you're like, I got a little lengthier. Yeah, right?

[A]

Yeah. You gotta try. The longer your gets, the more you're gonna give it a shot every 10.

[C]

And every 10 years. Birthdays. I like to try one more time.

[D]

I feel like if I. If I had. And I mean, maybe not now because my body's has broken.

[C]

Huh.

[D]

But I bet if I had an extra inch. If I had an extra inch, I could. I could suck. I could suck my own 69. One more inch.

[A]

I. I do believe at least kind of nibble.

[C]

Yeah. If I had one more inch, that's.

[D]

What I'd be doing.

[C]

Doing too. That's it.

[A]

I'd be nibbling my tip.

[D]

I'd be nibbling.

[C]

I wish I had one more. Oh, yeah. You want to just be hitting it, right?

[D]

You know, it's funny when guys are like, no, I would never. Dude, I would not do that. I'm like, it's. Yeah. Very shagadelic. You don't have to jizz in your own mouth, obviously, but. But you know, you would. You would.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I got. You get a. Feel free.

[D]

Slurp down a couple feel frees. Your feel free. Feeling free.

[A]

Nibble your tip, man. Come on.

[C]

Cause like, what is it even comfortable to do?

[A]

Like, Jim saying, you work towards it, and not everything sexually pleasurable is. Is comfortable, you know?

[C]

Blake, spoken like a. Like, he's got a experience you work towards.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Not everything that feels good is comfortable. You know what I mean? Sometimes it's strenuous activity.

[C]

Can feel standing 69.

[D]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Everybody's coming.

[D]

All right, these are the hard hitting cues that we. We answer here on. This is important.

[A]

This is important.

[D]

That shit's important. We should get my dad in here to do another sound bite.

[A]

We need some more drops.

[C]

I don't know. I'm just going through the motions here. And I'm like, am I realizing too much about us? No, no, no.

[A]

Are you questioning the entire sanctity of the pod? Come on, man.

[C]

You guys, I think I'm off the pod. No, I'm just, like. If you're busy blowing yourself, it's a lot of, like, effort to, like, detach yourself from what's happening, you know?

[A]

You need another four inches. No, not exactly.

[C]

Adam's sitting back. Like, I think I'd figure it out.

[A]

Exactly. Wait, sorry. Can. Can we.

[D]

Yeah, you're. No, I understand what you.

[C]

Because you're, like, breathing through your nose.

[D]

When you're cranking down when you're jerking off. You're. You're standing. Think. You could easily think about what's h. Like, take yourself somewhere else or, like, watch porno or. Or whatever. You could. You can go in the spank bank and you can be like, okay, this memory or whatever. I. I think it would be harder to think when you're slobbing on your knob like corn on the cob.

[C]

That's what I'm saying.

[A]

Sluggish bones.

[D]

Sluggish ruggish bone.

[C]

And Adam, as I said it, and now I'm like, yeah, but then, like, you find, like, a move and you go, well, that kind of works.

[D]

Finish him.

[A]

Yeah, man, I'm sick. And then.

[C]

And then you go, yeah, like. Like a BJ mood. Like a self. DJ move.

[A]

Something that you're, like, I'm guessing now.

[D]

Now that you. Now that we're getting in, like, this gritty about this and.

[A]

Oh, Blake, can you twist your tongue?

[D]

I. All right. See, and that, to me, makes me not want. That makes me not want.

[A]

So if you woke. Walked in on me, like, bent over dude.

[C]

Training. What are you doing?

[A]

It kind of looks like. Yeah, it's kind of like when a dog kind of sucked its own dick. All right, that was.

[D]

Atiba was telling me that you hid The. The. The power cord to your speaker. Yes, because you get drunk and you play music super loudly and the neighbors complain. And he told me this, like, a week ago.

[A]

Yes. I have a huge JBL party box that I love to play at a very unreasonable volume. And when I do have one of my nights, I tend to go back and crank it. The volume on the box. So I unplugged it and I hid the cord.

[C]

Continue.

[A]

I unplugged it and I hid the cord. But.

[D]

So you hid the cord from yourself and thinking, like, my drunk self won't be able to find this.

[A]

No, no, no, no. It's not hiding it. It's like, I'm not gonna, like, make sure to go through it. It's like. Yeah, there's many times when my brain could go like, this is stupid. But it was Oscar night.

[D]

It was my birthday and your birthday, so I.

[A]

But here's my saving grace. I. I was cranking freaking Steely Dam. So I wasn't like. Wasn't like, a total throwdown. It's just like, people are like, why is Steely Dan coming through my window.

[C]

At 3am What's a steely Dan song?

[A]

Like, freaking peg.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

You're playing Freaking peg.

[A]

Hey, 19.

[C]

So. So you're in the back house cranking down to these deep cuts to yacht rock.

[D]

Basically, the. The. The steely dance song that you were playing at. Right? Now, like, let's hear what was blasting through your Neighbor's windows at 3am I.

[C]

Only know the one that goes.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

That Sam. That Sam was like, come on, man. What are you doing? Turn it down.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

And you were like, it's my birthday. I want to listen to that song.

[C]

Is the album.

[D]

Dude.

[A]

Yeah. Such a dad.

[D]

Hey, I take it back. Heck, you gotta blast this one, dude.

[A]

Come on, bro. It's Oscar night. Come with me.

[C]

3Am you didn't watch the Oscars. Nor do we care about that. If you really listen, you can hear Chevy Chase on the drums.

[A]

It's 3am I'm cranking it. There you go. I'm cranking it, bro. Sorry, neighbors. It's Oscar night.

[D]

Let's go.

[C]

Did I tell you guys I've discovered a new way to blow your nose?

[A]

This is what I've been doing, and I'm listening.

[F]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

You know when you blow your nose, like, really hard and it, like, your drums kind of pop? Right?

[D]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

It's the best.

[A]

Love that.

[C]

So here's the new. The new method. And I'm. Maybe I've Said this before. It's important because I discovered it last time I was sick. You plug your ears with your fingers and then you plug one of your nostrils with your thumb.

[A]

Oh, my God, this is too.

[C]

And then you just blow and dude, boogers from the behind your brain come out.

[D]

Really? It's science.

[C]

Like you got to be over. Like it'll be in the shower or over a sink and you just kind of like let it rip, dude. It's like you feel it come from like way up in your brain.

[D]

Blake, do you have an empty cup of coffee or something nearby? I'd love for you to try it for us. I have a full cup. Yeah.

[A]

Could you show an example of it? Because it's. It's actually pretty interesting that you brought this up. At first I was like, oh, God, here we go.

[C]

And by the way, at 43 years old, I'm still discovering my body.

[D]

You're a lifelong learner.

[C]

I feel like Isaac and you.

[A]

Well, he hasn't discovered mine all the way yet, but if I wanted him to, he would be discovering it. As soon as we wrap up here, he. I could have him at my door.

[C]

It's just interesting your guys opinion. If someone is a delivery person and they take some of the food. Scumbag bag or just person, what kind.

[A]

Of food is it?

[C]

Doesn't matter. Not theirs.

[A]

Total scumbag. Total scumbag.

[D]

Yeah, I don't. I don't like that. I think if someone paid for the food, they should have all. All of their food.

[A]

Yeah, that's totally fucked up.

[D]

That.

[A]

That actually breaks code. And as a delivery driver, that is extremely frowned upon.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And against.

[C]

I'm glad you guys stand for something.

[A]

Thank you.

[D]

Yeah. Durs. I feel is leaning the other way.

[C]

Death penalty. No, no, no, no. Death penalty. Death. Some of the food. Death penalty.

[A]

Absolutely not.

[C]

Death by unga bunga.

[D]

Like steel fries, I think would be the number one thing.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Okay, I might have done that.

[D]

Oh, wait, wait.

[C]

Death by unga bunga.

[A]

Well, I mean, I'm saying like, if, like if it like fell out of the container, if it like shook loose, like, whoa, dude.

[D]

If it's. The container's closed, like shook it out of mouth.

[C]

Okay, so you say a fry is fine. Fine.

[A]

A fry is fine.

[C]

And here's what about. What about a chicken fry?

[A]

You're pressing it, but maybe. But it's like the same as like if you go to a restaurant and you sit at a table that hasn't been bused yet and there's fries there. You can eat the fries.

[C]

What if it's like potato wedges and so there's not that many? It's a large fry.

[A]

Fries are communal.

[D]

So wait, so you are going to a table that hasn't been bused yet?

[A]

Correct. And there's a whole basket of fries.

[D]

They've coughed all over. These fries have been in these. There's no, like, natural child had, like, stuck it up his nose, put it back in the fry basket, then you.

[C]

No, no, no.

[D]

Eat those fries, dude.

[A]

No.

[D]

There's a reason that you have had this cold for weeks and weeks is you're disgusting, bro.

[B]

Hold up.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no. And yes, I did do this recently, but it. It was. It was before I had this cold. It might have been. Yeah, it might have been. Really around that time.

[B]

So I've got a question for all my gamers out there. Are you seriously going to miss out on Alienware's biggest gaming sale of the year? I mean, these are Cyber Monday prices. So it's not just another sale. No, this is some pretty big bang for your buck. You know, it's Alienware with some of the most advanced engineering out there with systems at the top of reviewers list. And what about a gift for yourself? Yeah, gift yourself a new Alienware 16 Area 51 gaming laptop. You deserve it. Okay, do it. This thing's got performance at the absolute next level with Intel Core Ultra processors. And even better, you can get it during Cyber Monday. Plus, you can save on all kinds of displays and accessories like, I don't know, the Alienware 32 4K QD OLED gaming monitor for ultimate visual fidelity. These really are incredible deals on PCs with otherworldly performance. So visit alienware.com deals soon and grab what you can before the lowest prices of the year go dark.

[G]

This is Sophie Cunningham from Show Me something. Do you know the symptoms of moderate to severe obstructive sleep apnea, or OSA in adults with obesity? They may be happening to you without you knowing. If anyone has ever said you snored loudly, or if you spend your days fighting off excessive tiredness, irritability and concentration issues, it may be due to osa. OSA is a serious condition where your airway partially or completely collapses during sleep, which may cause breathing interruptions and oxygen deprivation. Learn more at don'tsleep on OSA.com this information is provided by Lily, a medicine company.

[F]

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[E]

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[H]

This is Matt Rogers from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

[I]

This is Bowen Yang from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

[H]

Hey, Bowen, it's gift season.

[C]

Ugh.

[I]

Stressing me out. Why are all the people I love so hard to shop for like me?

[A]

Exactly, honey.

[H]

I'm easy.

[A]

But you're right.

[H]

Holiday gifting is stressful.

[I]

And all the gift guides out there are boring and uninspired.

[H]

Wait, what about the guide we made.

[I]

In partnership with Marshalls where premium gifts mean incredible value?

[H]

It's Giving Gifts, a series of guides filled with premium gifts at great value for everyone on your list.

[I]

Yeah, because if I see one more for the dad who likes golf list, I'm out.

[A]

Right?

[H]

How about something for the people who.

[I]

Actually surprise you with categories like best gifts for the mom whose idea of a sensible walking shoe is a stiletto. Psst. She wants a pair of stilettos.

[H]

Or best gifts for me that were so thoughtful I really shouldn't have dying.

[I]

To see what those are.

[H]

And you won't believe their prices.

[I]

Just wait till you see what else is in there. It's basically a one stop shop for everyone.

[H]

You know, I started bookmarking half the list for myself.

[I]

Honestly, this is the guy for the 2025 holiday gifting season.

[H]

Check out the guide on marshalls.com.

[C]

It'S giving gifts.

[A]

Gift guys.

[I]

Good stuff at Marshalls.

[D]

Yeah, I, I, I miss the time when, when we as men could just as a society say that we like tits, dude. We like them, okay? And we're willing to just say that and be okay with.

[A]

And you know what? I like that you're saying this and.

[D]

Stand on two feet and say, I, as a man, if you don't like tits, and that doesn't make you less of a man, you do you. But I would say the majority of straight men, like, love some big old, big old titties jumping on trampolines. And that's just a thing that we like.

[C]

It's just a fact of life.

[D]

I don't like you guys telling me to show my tips. And the fact that we can't say that now without being shunned by society.

[A]

You can. You are saying it and it's on.

[D]

Well, I know I'm saying it, dude, because I'm a down ass dude.

[A]

You're a true bro.

[D]

I would say most bros are a little frightened.

[A]

And what is.

[C]

Sorry, I'm getting a call. Jimmy Kimmel. Oh, you don't want Adam saying that while wearing a hat with your name on it. Yeah, no, I'll tell him. Very cool.

[A]

No, no, dude.

[D]

Talking about his old show.

[A]

He is correct. And the one thing that has really proven this fact is, is, is the fact that Hooters has gone bankrupt. Dude.

[D]

Can you believe it?

[A]

I am not.

[C]

Do we swoop in? Do we swoop in with a new restaurant for all those down ass dudes? For all those guys who need to see titties at lunch? You can't go to lunch without titties.

[D]

What?

[B]

Dude, they did everything in their power.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Welcome to Cooters. Just like super tight wrapped Saran wrap coochie shorts.

[A]

Oh, you said Cooters. I thought you said cougars. And I'm like, that's not a bad idea either.

[C]

No, no, no.

[A]

Just like hot, single, older women.

[C]

There's one, One real cougar in every restaurant.

[A]

Oh, damn.

[C]

Every hour they let.

[D]

Well, do you. I mean, there's still like Twin Peaks, right? That, that's the other. That was their competitor.

[C]

And I have no idea what you're talking about. Adam's like, I road trip once a month to the closest twin peaks.

[D]

No, no, there's twin Peaks out and about.

[A]

There's Twin peaks. There's also, there's also a place called.

[B]

The Tilted Kilt, I think that's like in like Vegas.

[A]

That's kind of similar.

[C]

And what?

[D]

Well, you. You look at the. The website of Twin Peaks and you're like. Like, okay, I could. I could. I could get into this.

[C]

Holy.

[A]

Let's look at the menu.

[D]

This seems a. Okay, this seems up my alley.

[A]

You know what? And this is not a joke. I will say right now. Hooters.

[D]

You're the wings, dude.

[A]

Daytona wings are so freaking fire, dude.

[B]

They are off the chain.

[A]

That's when they mix the barbecue with the buffalo and it's so damn good, dude.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Peaks looks like it's a little higher Echelon on. Then stop.

[D]

Well, of course the website does, but.

[A]

Does that mean really think based on the.

[C]

The sober ICP guys from last year's web or last. Last week's web episode.

[D]

You're a monster.

[C]

Websites alone. Yes. They look like they're quality.

[D]

Well, I think. Yeah, this is. It's a new. It's. It's not as many locations as Hooters had. So I. There. I think they're on the. Might be. Be a little higher.

[C]

See? All locations.

[D]

I mean, dude, see, look at all these locations. Look at how many locations there are in Florida.

[C]

Is there one in Concord?

[D]

My God.

[A]

Well, Florida gets it.

[D]

A lot happening there.

[C]

Algonquin.

[D]

I, like, we all just got really quiet now. We're just staring at this website.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, right. But like, where. There's one on Squirrel Road in Auburn Hills.

[A]

Where.

[D]

Yeah, so that's what I'm saying is Beaver, dude.

[C]

There's one in Beaver Creek. You know, it goes off.

[A]

Oh, yes. Points. Are you kidding me? Yes.

[C]

Camelback.

[D]

I miss that time when you could just stand there and say, hey, I like titties. I'm not afraid to admit it. Isaac says, I thought Blake likes Hamburger Marys, which is the gay burger place in West Hollywood. Yeah.

[A]

Isaac has a lot of really funny jokes, and I'm. You know what? Just for that, we're going to lunch there. Isaac.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Really funny stuff.

[D]

I will say Hamburger Mary's was when I first moved to la. I was driving around with my parents and we were driving through West Hollywood because I didn't know where they should stay. And I just picked the Ramada Inn in West Hollywood, which is perfect. I love it. The gayest hotel.

[C]

You guys found the guy with the white cowboy hat?

[D]

Yeah, it was. It was painted pink and there's a rainbow flags out front.

[C]

Front.

[D]

And yeah, Blake, I see he wears a skirt and kind of walks in front of the hotel. But I. You. We were in. We were stuck in traffic and we were right by the Hamburger Mary's. Hardcore gay porno was playing on the television screens.

[C]

At Hamburger Mary's.

[D]

At Hamburger Mary's. It was at night, but.

[A]

Oh yeah, dude, West.

[D]

West.

[A]

West Hollywood is tight.

[C]

I used one of those things that they sent the pure love or whatever.

[D]

Oh, you jerked off in one of those things?

[C]

Yeah, I did.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

Dude. And then I.

[A]

How.

[D]

How did. How did that go?

[A]

Yeah. Please tell me more.

[D]

This is the horniest pod yet.

[C]

Let's just say science has come a long way.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, so you're.

[D]

You're liking it? You liked it?

[C]

It was a. No, no, it was a one and done.

[D]

Well, yeah, it kind of has to be, right? Or else. Were you going to put that in the dishwasher where your kids dishes are?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

What are we talking about?

[C]

But that's what you're do is like rinse it. You can rinse it in the sink or whatever. But I was just like, this is such a production, you know?

[D]

Yeah, see that's the thing.

[C]

They got to figure it out where. Where it's. It's less of a thing. Like it's got to be pre lubricated or something.

[B]

It's not.

[A]

It doesn't come ready.

[D]

What the. Explain what it is. It's.

[A]

Yeah, step it out a little.

[C]

It's a. It's like. I mean, people saw it on the. On or saw. If you watch YouTube, you see these things.

[A]

You were blowing into it. You were blowing it up.

[C]

It's basically like a. A flexible rubber whatever cut type thing with a hole in the middle with a bunch of little nodules in there that.

[D]

Oh, that's right, that thing. Yeah. With the three different holes and there's like swirls and on the inside.

[C]

Yes. And you gotta like pour lube in. You gotta use.

[D]

I haven't used. Yeah.

[C]

Adam's like, sure, sure. But I just was like, they sent it. What am I gonna do? I have it sit here. Let's see what it's all about.

[D]

Out.

[C]

You know, it's fine. I can't not use it. I can't find.

[D]

I can't donate it to Goodwill. What am I gonna do with the Dan?

[A]

Yeah, you could drop it in the. In the. In the Goodwill box. Right.

[C]

Well, you know, for the pod.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

I don't. I don't necessarily hit record when I'm supposed to.

[A]

Right.

[C]

But if you send me a little thing to. I'm trying it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

A little Market research.

[D]

So then Elizabeth Banks reaches out to me and she just sends me me just the interview.

[C]

Who reaches out?

[D]

Elizabeth Banks? Yes, the actress and director. And she just sent me the clip of the Entertainment Weekly article. That is me dressed as Kelvin Gemstone in Head to Toe Dumbass Balenciaga. I look insane with my hair looking insane. And it's just me looking all saucy going, Adam Divine masturbated so hard his toe fell off. And that's the headline, dude.

[A]

Yeah, me dude. That is a cool ass headline.

[D]

It was. It was kind of.

[C]

I would. I would pay good money for an orgasm like that these days. Just blast your toe off.

[A]

You're you, Jo. So hard your toe falls off. God damn.

[C]

God damn.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

Honey, get the swift.

[D]

Yeah, I feel any. I would say 85% of any other person, of everyone else would have been mortified. I'd say 85% of people would have been mortified at that. But of other person, their entire torso.

[C]

One arm, their face, not the back of their head, both legs, one dick.

[A]

Frankenstein. God damn. Could you imagine? I'm just thinking about my toes curling so hard.

[D]

Would you be bummed if. If there was an Entertainment Weekly article about you, Blake? That spirit said your toe fell off.

[A]

No, all press is good press.

[C]

Yeah. Wasn't there one about him dying, jumping on a ping pong table?

[A]

Yeah, no, that was all good. That was when I was riding high, baby.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

There's no such thing as bad press.

[C]

Come on now. They're like, this guy can't be insured, mate.

[E]

It.

[C]

He's a wild dog. He's uninsurable.

[A]

Uninsurable?

[D]

No, Chuck Berry had a porno out.

[C]

A sex t tape or a porno?

[D]

A sex tape. A sex tape.

[C]

Okay, all right, that's different.

[D]

Why is that different?

[C]

Well, cuz a porno is a production. A sex tape is recorded sex.

[D]

Oh, but it's crazy, dude. He's like, it's these poor women are hookers. And then he's. He's going like. He just starts peeing in their mouths. And he's like, yeah, you like that? You like that?

[C]

You lose, Johnny Be bad.

[D]

He's making her like eat his ass while he's also pissing on her. I'm pissed now. And then he says something like. Like he. That. Oh, then he farts in her mouth. And then I'm pissed. Now he laughs and goes, what are.

[C]

What website are you on?

[A]

How long did you watch this for? You turn that on?

[D]

30 minutes. And just 20 or 30 minutes this is bad. No, it was just like a. Of little clips, and then he goes, you like that? I love doing that.

[C]

Gotcha.

[D]

It's wild, dude. These. These old, like, 70s.

[A]

That sounds. Was he like, I'm Chuck Berry and I love doing 70s.

[C]

Chuck Berry's like, 50s. No.

[D]

Well, I think the. The Chuck Berry porno was.

[A]

I wouldn't click that link. That's not something that had to be.

[C]

In the 70s on some autofocus where they're like. Just got this new camcorder from Japan.

[A]

I think he got busted for having, like, hidden cameras in bathrooms.

[D]

Yeah, that's what they're gnarly in. Yeah, he was a real creeper, this guy.

[A]

Yeah, he was gnarly.

[C]

What you got to do is you just.

[B]

You.

[C]

If you want cameras in your bathrooms, just hang a. Just hang a sign up.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

What?

[C]

You'd be surprised how many people would go, all right, I gotta take a pee.

[D]

I really gotta take a shit. Good luck.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

I got a poo. Poo. I got a pee.

[G]

Pee.

[A]

I gotta take a dump, dude.

[D]

Yeah, camera.

[C]

No camera. I'm peeing.

[D]

That makes perfect sense.

[C]

And then you're covered.

[A]

All right.

[C]

At least that's what our lawyer told me.

[A]

Okay. Allegedly. That's fun.

[D]

I will. So you guys haven't seen that.

[B]

That.

[D]

Do yourselves a favor.

[C]

I'm good.

[D]

Don't watch it. Don't watch it.

[A]

I'm not gonna.

[B]

I'm not gonna Google that one.

[C]

I'm not a big fan of, like.

[D]

Scary porno, but you know when you.

[C]

Have, like, a friend who sends you something that's just. What's the word? Like, egregious, like, where a dude, like, pulls his dick out of a butt and then, like, the girl goes straight for it and they pause. There's, like, dookie on it. And you're.

[D]

And then you're like, this seems real specific.

[A]

It is.

[C]

I'm saying, like, that was a clip that someone sent me, and I was like, hold up.

[A]

You block that number.

[D]

Not.

[C]

Not for me. Doesn't really get a belly laugh out of me.

[D]

It was his brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I also. Someone was just like, you have to watch it. And so I was like, okay. And I was like, I don't know. I'm like, what is Chuck Berry?

[C]

How well do you know this person? I don't need you to out him. But, like, how well do you know this person?

[D]

Not that well.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Not super well.

[A]

Let's keep them at an arm's distance.

[C]

And do you Know them as friends or do you know them? Them through work.

[D]

Through work.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Through work.

[A]

Right.

[D]

Work friends. Work friends. Okay.

[C]

Hollywood. It's Kyle. It's Kyle.

[D]

It's Kyle. No, it's not. But yeah, it was. It was appalling.

[C]

And.

[A]

Yeah, that's not funny. I'm not getting a kick out of that.

[D]

Yeah. And. And unlike me when I found that out, he didn't become my favorite musician. Unlike so unlike Blake, he didn't become my favorite musician. Like Rick James. Suddenly he's forgetting about his torrid past. Yeah, I don't like. No, he's the best Rick James. He's the best.

[C]

Great word, Adam. Is torrid the word of the day?

[A]

I wish. That is a good ass word to pull out.

[D]

Well, you know, we're going to be in international waters, so, you know, anything can go out there. Dude, we're in international waters.

[A]

Triple kisses.

[D]

Yeah, Triple K. Or maybe a straight up orgy breaks out.

[C]

Who knows?

[D]

It's international waters.

[F]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Those aren't literally illegal everywhere.

[D]

Not in public.

[A]

Wait, how did we segue from talking about our parents being on the cruise to orgies on open waters?

[C]

You know how Adam goes.

[D]

My. My mom suggested it. My mom suggested goofy. She was like that. You know, it'd be kind of goofy if an orgy broke out. What? Goofy?

[C]

Is this a close optional cruise? Mom. What?

[A]

Get her done.

[D]

Mom. Just watch my kid in the cab. Cabin.

[C]

Yeah, I think it is, but.

[D]

What?

[A]

God damn.

[D]

God damn.

[B]

I like that.

[D]

God damn.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

How many pina coladas have you had?

[C]

Mom.

[A]

Remember when they followed who wants.

[B]

To be a Millionaire up with you.

[A]

Are the weakest link.

[D]

Goodbye.

[C]

Goodbye.

[B]

It was just game.

[C]

Where'd they find that?

[D]

Dude, that was. Oh, she was. It was big in the UK and she came over and she. Remember her.

[A]

She was so hot.

[C]

Dude, can you imagine if your job was just being a.

[A]

That is hot white meat right there, baby.

[D]

That's Blake's favorite.

[A]

Oh, I love a. A white grandma.

[D]

She looked like Barbara from Shark Tank. You know what I'm saying? Very similar vibe.

[C]

Old, small, white.

[D]

Yeah, all old, small white with short hair. Yeah, she was fantastic. We used to do a thing in high school where we would, you know.

[A]

Race to beat off.

[D]

See, you can get off the fastest.

[C]

Yeah, I. You are the weakest link, Blake Anderson.

[D]

Once again, no Blake. No. We would sit in a car and Hot box.

[C]

What did you do with your dick?

[D]

Hot box. With each other.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

And then whoever had to stop smoking weed, then we Would all do a bit of being like, you are the weakest smoke. Goodbye.

[C]

And it was.

[A]

Oh, man.

[D]

Our favorite bit.

[A]

I want to be friends with you.

[D]

You would have been the weakest smoke. Smoke every. Every time.

[A]

So what? I'm still having fun with my friends.

[D]

Yeah, that is true.

[C]

Anybody living in their parents home, you're allowed to flush condoms as soon as you're on your own.

[A]

Well, eventually that's gonna come back to.

[D]

Haunt you until all of a sudden it floats back up, it gets stuck, and then you get caught. So she was right in saying that's.

[C]

Part of the fun of the game.

[A]

Yeah. She was like, it's not a game.

[C]

It's not a game.

[D]

It's my life.

[C]

It's not a game. And then you go, mine, mom. It's for the podcast, mom.

[D]

She's like, oh, okay. For the podcast.

[A]

Okay. So you have a used condom.

[D]

We're speaking used condom tied in a knot. I put it in my backpack in the pencil pouch. And then I go home. I forget to throw it away on the way home. I get home, I start to look for the condom. I can't remember exactly where I put it. I open up all the zippers. I'm like, where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Nature calls. I have to use the bathroom real quick.

[A]

Got it.

[D]

I quickly go to use the bathroom.

[C]

Nature. Fucking nature.

[A]

Nature, dude.

[D]

I hear my parents come home with my little dog, Maggie. All of a sudden, I hear the dog, Maggie, with the little bells. She had little bells around her collar, just jingling and jangling. And then I'm back in my room looking for the condom. The bells are jingling and jangling. I hear my mom say, maggie, what you got there? Yeah, what you got there, Maggie? And she was like, oh, my God. God, Adam, right? And she marches down the hallway. I'm like, oh, no. And she's holding the condom. It's been bitten. Now it's oozing out.

[C]

What do you mean? You're like, oh, no, you already knew.

[D]

I knew something was up. Yeah, because I can't find it.

[A]

You're putting it all together.

[D]

And all of a sudden I hear her, Adam. And I hear her say, what you got goofy? She marks down the. It wasn't goofy, dude. The dog had bitten. So it's oozing the. My jizz is oozing down. And the dog is jumping up to the. Like, lap it up.

[A]

No.

[D]

And my mom is goes, what is this? What is this? And I go, that's not mine. And she's like, oh, so it's your father's. You're blaming your father? And I'm like, no, mine wasn't yellow because it was banana flavored. She was like, mine wasn't yellow like a banana. Mine was red like an apple.

[B]

That shit's important.

[D]

Like, what the, dude. And then she went. And then she went into the laundry room and cried. And I had to go down there. And I'm like, I'm sorry.

[C]

You know, she's still holding. I'm sorry.

[D]

You're not my little boy anymore.

[C]

You're not my little boy anymore. That's right, mama.

[B]

So I've got a question for all my gamers out there. Are you seriously going to miss out on Alienware's biggest gaming sale of the year? I mean, these are Cyber Monday prices, so it's not just another sale. No, this is some pretty big bang for your buck, you know, It's Alienware with some of the most advanced engineering out there with systems at the top of reviewers list. And what about a gift for yourself? Yeah, gift yourself a new Alienware 16 Area 51 gaming laptop. You deserve it. Okay, do it. This thing's got performance at the absolute next level with Intel Core Ultra processors. And even better, you can get it during Cyber Monday. Plus, you can save on all kinds of displays and accessories like, I don't know, the Alienware 32 4K QD OLED gaming monitor for ultimate visual fidelity. These really are incredible deals on PCs with otherworldly performance. So visit alienware.com deals soon and grab what you can before the lowest prices of the year go dark.

[G]

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[F]

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[E]

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[H]

This is Matt Rogers from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

[I]

This is Bowen Yang from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

[H]

Hey Bowen, it's gift season.

[I]

Ugh, stressing me out. Why are all the people I love so hard to shop for like me?

[A]

Exactly, honey.

[H]

I'm easy. But you're right, holiday gifting is stressful.

[I]

And all the gift guides out there are boring and uninspired.

[H]

Wait, what about the guide we made.

[I]

In partnership with Marshalls where premium gifts mean incredible value?

[H]

It's Giving Gifts, a series of guides filled with premium gifts at great value for everyone on your list?

[I]

Yeah, cause if I see one more for the dad who likes golf list, I'm out.

[A]

Right?

[H]

How about something for the people who.

[I]

Actually surprise you with categories like Best Gifts? For the mom whose idea of a sensible walking shoe is a stiletto.

[B]

Psst.

[I]

She wants a pair of stilettos.

[H]

Or Best gifts for me that were so thoughtful I really shouldn't have dying.

[I]

To see what those are and you.

[H]

Won'T believe their prices.

[I]

Just wait till you see what else is in there. It's basically a one stop shop for everyone.

[H]

You know, I started bookmarking half the list for myself.

[I]

Honestly, this is the guy for the 2025 holidays gifting season.

[H]

Check out the guide on marshalls.com it's.

[I]

Giving gifts Gift the good stuff at Marshalls.

[A]

Did you know that pineapples are the international you Do?

[D]

Yeah. Upside down pineapple. What is the international sign that you're a.

[C]

What does that even mean?

[D]

Like, if you have. They will wear, like, necklaces with an upside down pineapple.

[C]

Is it because, like, an upside down pineapple looks like a butthole?

[D]

Maybe. I don't know. Why? Or maybe pineapple. Like, if you eat enough pineapple, your cum tastes delicious?

[A]

Yeah, it does. It really does.

[D]

Supposedly.

[C]

But why upside down? So this is like an emoji thing. How do you even send one upside down?

[A]

No, you nail it to your front door.

[D]

Yeah, they'll, like, wave flags. Like, they'll have a pineapple flag. They'll wear upside down pineapples. Like, at bars.

[A]

Everybody's coming.

[D]

Like, necklaces that people have tattoos.

[C]

Adam knows.

[D]

What are other things I do? What are other things I do?

[C]

Okay, Adam's. The name of Adam's boat is Upside Down Pineapple.

[H]

What?

[C]

Huh.

[D]

Weirdly, my parents taught me a lot of this, because in Lake of the Ozarks, there's, like, a big swinger community. And they see that out and about all over the place.

[C]

Oh, yeah, they're just bored out of their minds.

[D]

I was like, yeah, I just did, you know? And she tells us every time we're down there, and we're like, we know, Mom.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

What are you guys getting into down here?

[B]

That shit's important.

[C]

How many times a day in the Ozarks is someone saying, you're a lucky man? Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. That still goes. But Ozarks is stuck in.

[C]

Brother, you are a lucky man. On Shantae.

[A]

You are a lucky man.

[D]

And isn't the Ozarks cool? For that very reason that you just enter a time warp when you're there, you're like, whoa, what happened? What happened? The best punk rock getting radical.

[C]

What is it, 20? 21 here? What the fuck?

[A]

It's fucking tight, dude. I love the Ozarks. We gotta go back and put in some time. And I gotta wear this pineapple shirt.

[D]

Come back. Hey, dude, come back. You could bring the family my parents would love if there's just a bunch of little kids running around their compound.

[C]

Is that what you want to do, Blake? Bring your family?

[A]

Sure. Yeah. I mean, that wasn't what I was originally thinking, but that.

[C]

Because guess what? You're gonna hear. You are a very lucky father. I think we gotta go. I think we gotta go.

[A]

I think we have to leave the shady gator.

[C]

We'd love to hire your daughter at this hot chick gas station on the dock. Oh, yeah, Remember that? I was like, what is the program here?

[D]

Well, they hire like, like 17, 18 year old girls to walk around in bathing suits to tie up boats and it seems inappropriate, but also they just.

[C]

Pump gas in bikinis. It's totally inappropriate.

[A]

That's a cool job.

[D]

It's. You're just like a lifeguard or something. You're like, they're just.

[C]

No, Adam, if you're a lifeguard, you're wearing a bathing suit because you're about to jump in and save somebody in water. If you're on a dock, you can wear jean cutoffs and a tank top.

[D]

Top.

[C]

You don't have to.

[D]

Yeah, but they might have to dive in.

[A]

That's true.

[D]

For what if someone falls off their boat?

[C]

Ander, that's not their responsibility.

[D]

Oh, come on. No, no, that's everyone's responsibility. Okay, that's where I'm going to stop.

[A]

You see something, say something.

[C]

I, I would say that it's probably creepy for visitors to be like, why are. Who hired all these high school girls to just pump gas and bikinis?

[D]

Yeah, no, I see. I see what you're saying.

[C]

But I will say, if you're local, you probably know all these girls anyway. You're like, yeah, it's Mike's daughter. She's got a hu. It's just Mike's daughter. It's just Mike's daughter.

[A]

With your pineapples.

[C]

Hey, Mike, I didn't realize that you.

[D]

He has just a giant upside down pineapple chain that, that he's wearing.

[A]

I'm actually the principal of the high school. She's a great student.

[D]

Good student, super smart.

[C]

I've seen her pumping gas. Jesus. She's got cheeks, Mike.

[A]

She's got cake.

[C]

She's got cake.

[D]

Is she cake or is she human?

[A]

Pineapple.

[C]

I love, I love when Blake chimes in with the modern cake.

[A]

Hey, are you cake? Yes.

[C]

Points. I do gummies almost every day at night.

[D]

I like that for you.

[A]

Now you use them to fall asleep.

[C]

I try and beat my wife. Clip that. I try and beat my wife to sleep cuz she snores.

[A]

Wow. Dude.

[C]

If I, if I get to sleep before her, I'm good to go. If I'm. If I'm awake and she starts snoring, I'm up for two hours. That's why I have to beat my wife to sleep.

[D]

If we're not clipping that and putting that at the beginning of the episode where it's like th. This week on. On. This is important.

[A]

I, I don't even think this sentence. I, I have to beat my wife to sleep. That's not even. Even. That's not even adding up when you say it as a sentence.

[D]

What do you mean you have to beat your wife to sleep?

[A]

You'd say, I have to fall asleep before my wife. That would be the way to. Really.

[C]

That's not a funny way to say it.

[D]

This is a comedy podcast.

[C]

What do you hide?

[D]

I love it. That's. That's the issue with, like, he's not.

[C]

Once you go drown yourself in the gulf of a.

[D]

And I want to get back to how much you smoke weed, dude, because you're a fake stoner and every. And I'm outing you. I'm sick of this, dude. I'm sick of this.

[A]

I'm not a stoner. I'm a. I'm a athlete. I'm a health guru. Father.

[D]

Alcoholic. Alcohol.

[C]

It is weird. It is weird that he is a. He's a stoner poser, but he's also closeted gay guy. Just. Just let. I am not.

[A]

I am not. What are you saying?

[C]

What I'm saying is that you not clip that.

[A]

How would you feel about, like. Like doing, like. Just, like, taking a shower with your homie? Like, in bathing suits? Is that like.

[D]

Well, what do you mean in bathing suits? Like, you're at a. You're, like, at a pool.

[C]

Are we saving time?

[A]

We're saving time and water. No, like, so, okay, it's a no brainer.

[C]

It's a no brainer to me. You're saving time, you're saving water.

[D]

Blake has been thinking about this.

[C]

You could tell.

[D]

He's like, okay, no, here. Okay, here's exactly how we would do it.

[A]

Well, no, because it did come up.

[C]

I can tell you my answer. So quick.

[A]

Quick.

[C]

I go, I'll come back in three minutes or five minutes or however long you're gonna take.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then I'll be back.

[A]

Oh, this happened organically. You know, it was just something I wanted to expand upon. But, like, okay, so I had just, like, gone on a run, right? And then, like, I was driving home from my run. I'm still sweaty. But on my way home, it.

[D]

It.

[A]

Atiba's house is there. So I'm like, I'll pop in, say, what's up to my boy Atiba? He's like, I don't have a lot of time because I gotta throw out Atiba too. No, I'm not. Dude. It's not. It's not even weird. You guys are making it weird. Listen. Okay, so I go over there, right? He's like, actually, I gotta. I. I gotta head out soon because I'm gonna go shoot some skate photography. World famous photographer.

[D]

We know who he is.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like, I have to. I have to take a shower. And I'm like, that's weird because I'm. I'm driving home to go take a shower. And then that's when I broke the hypothetical. I'm like, is it weird, like, because, you know, I still wanted to catch up with them and talk. Like, would it be weird if we both were in bathing suits, taking showers and continue the conversation? Like, it's super normal. Like, is it weird?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. There's only one time where it's not normal. Where you're at a locker.

[D]

You're at a pool. Yeah. In a locker room.

[C]

And if you're trying to tee this up to meet me at a locker room, let's fucking go.

[D]

Allegedly.

[A]

What's so bad? Like, saving. So it's not weird to take a shower?

[C]

Too small, Blake. It's too close. Corners.

[D]

No, it's too small.

[A]

You can fit two people in a shower.

[C]

You have to, like, share the shower. Like, yo, can I get some heat?

[D]

Yeah, share the water. You'd have to be like, excuse me, excuse me.

[C]

Let me rinse my eye.

[A]

Like, no, you can move the head of the shower.

[D]

I mean, sort of, but when you.

[C]

That's not the shower.

[D]

That's a different head.

[C]

That's not the shower.

[D]

Allegedly. When you're with your girl and it's like. Like, you're in the.

[A]

Yeah, no, I do that too.

[D]

When you're in the shower, it's always mad because then the other person's, like, kind of cold, waiting for the. The shower to the water to hit you, and you're like, all right. And then you have to, like, like, pivot around to. So then you can get the.

[A]

There's a way. There's ways to make people not be cold, too. Like, you. You could warm each other up. All the water.

[C]

Oh, did you invent the hug? What? Where's her booty?

[D]

You know that there. That there's porno.

[A]

This was a different time in 02.

[C]

You couldn't wait for it to load.

[A]

This was a different time. The computer was in the family room. I wasn't like you, where I would just download shit and get skull and crossbones. I was privately jerking off to album covers. No limit soldiers 02.

[D]

02. We were graduating high school. You weren't able to get a Dell. Dude, dude, dude. You didn't get a Good deal. At this point. I had a Dell. Okie dokie.

[C]

I had a. What was the one with the cows? What was that one?

[D]

That was a gateway, dude.

[C]

I had a gateway.

[A]

They had really good screensavers. That was fire the toaster.

[C]

I went through, like three gateway computers. They fried after three months every time. And they'd be like, just bring it.

[D]

Yeah. Because Limewire was just on and popping over there. You were. You were. I heard Deep throat videos.

[C]

I was just talking to my homie of the day about this infamous porno.

[D]

Like, Pete.

[C]

Like, what do they call it? A professional music video porno.

[A]

Here we go. We're back. We're back.

[C]

Where we would just throw it on. But, like, as we drank and pregamed, it would just be on someone's computer playing.

[D]

Wow, dude, I remember you. You saying that. That you used to put on, like, compilations. Yeah.

[C]

Before going out. But it was this one. It was called out of Control. And if you guys know I'm talking about sliding Blake's dm, send him the link.

[D]

That's wild. I didn't watch.

[A]

No, no, no. We didn't watch communal porn. We were not a communal porn friend group.

[C]

It was just on. It was just on. It wasn't like we were all watching it together. It was just on. You take a glance and you go, that'd be fun to do tonight. Maybe. I don't know who each other. What? Yeah, there was a. A bald woman who got jizzed onto her head.

[A]

Oh, wait.

[D]

Wow, dude, that's fun.

[A]

Actually. Send me that Internet.

[C]

Do what you do. Slide in Blake's DMs.

[D]

Slide in Blake DMs with that.

[C]

Out of control. It's from the 2000s. It's a banger. And shout out to who made.

[A]

Would be so educational if we would just disrobe all the men of history and compare balls dick and see if there is something correlation. Yeah, we've covered.

[C]

We've. We've covered this, right? They have Napoleon's dick somewhere.

[A]

Well, it was very small, but that's one dick we.

[B]

We have.

[A]

Yeah, I want to know. I want to see it across the whole timeline. I think it would really add to our species.

[C]

This is your Bill and Ted's excellent adventure.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I just go.

[D]

I'd watch that movie.

[C]

You go back in time to. To pants guys.

[A]

I go, pants people.

[C]

I love it.

[A]

Lift up their togas.

[C]

And then you run into yourself and you're like, listen, Abe Lincoln's dick. Well, we've kind of gnarly do not pants him.

[D]

The plaster. The plaster casters have done that a little bit with rock stars in the 60s and 70s. Yeah, right.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that. That woman.

[D]

Was it just. Was it just one woman or was it like a gaggle of groupies?

[A]

A gaggle.

[C]

I think there's one. The top dog. Like the mj, the Michael Jackson of it all.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, of course.

[C]

And then probably other people did it too.

[D]

Look up plaster casters because it was a. I wonder whose dicks they have cast, because that would be interesting.

[C]

Well, I know they've got Jimi Hendrix has a branch.

[D]

Just a hog on him. You need another four inches. Yeah. Plaster casters. Who do they have here?

[A]

Cynthia Plaster caster. Cynthia, great name.

[D]

She's now 74. Imagine this is your cool grandma. You're like kind of stoked.

[A]

Yeah. She's so cool, right? She is cool as.

[C]

She's always trying to do a plaster caster dick. But she's cool.

[D]

She is.

[C]

Can't drop it. Let me just plaster it real quick. Grandma, not the time.

[A]

Listen on your.

[D]

Oh, look who it is. Like, hey, my. My ears were burning.

[A]

My babies were burning on the grill.

[C]

Should I answer here? Ready?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Hey, what's up, dude?

[D]

Oh, dude.

[A]

Hey, man.

[C]

Hey, you're on the podcast. What's happening? What up? Oh, for real?

[D]

Welcome back, welcome back.

[C]

How's it going? Doing. Can you hear the dude?

[D]

Welcome back.

[A]

He just hangs up.

[D]

Hold up.

[C]

How do I do this? I can't.

[D]

Hey, buddy, how.

[C]

Yeah, how's it going?

[D]

Welcome back to the podcast.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Interesting, Interesting. What's up, guys? What's up, man? Interesting, dude. Oh, dude, I had a question for you about schedules and, you know, not.

[D]

Cool other workings, but okay. Lame.

[C]

If you're bonding, then continue potting.

[D]

All right.

[H]

Freaking.

[C]

See you call. Yeah, hit me up afterwards.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[C]

What's up, TII nation?

[D]

Yeah, I'm surprised. I'm surprised you're not choking down a baby right now. I'm surprised you're able to be so full throated right now. Allegedly, man.

[A]

Come on. None of that.

[D]

Okay? Hey, we don't know. We don't know. You're just not part of the podcast, so we don't know what you're to up. Up to.

[C]

Look at taking this time on my. On the podcast to say my piece about this. I'm not eating babies. Okay? You can't stop. You can't.

[A]

You heard it from the horse's mouth.

[D]

All right.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[D]

Yeah. So he says.

[C]

So he says.

[D]

Adam and Adam, there's No way to tell.

[C]

Way to welcome him back, dude. Very cool. Love you.

[D]

Love you, Kyle.

[A]

Later, guys. Yeah, miss you, Kyle.

[D]

Wow. Wow.

[A]

Special.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

Adam's like, nah.

[D]

Nah.

[C]

Freaking see ya.

[A]

Hey, don't cross Adam.

[C]

He was shook. He was like.

[A]

He was.

[C]

He was like, I'm on the podcast. You mean bad friends? That's the only podcast I know. Question for all the gamers out there. Are you seriously going to miss out on Alienware's biggest gaming sale of the year? These are Black Friday prices, so it's not just another sale. This is some pretty big bang for.

[B]

Your buck, you know.

[A]

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[B]

Advanced engineering out there with systems at the top of reviewers lists. And what about a gift for yourself? Gift yourself a new Alienware 16 Aurora gaming laptop. This thing's got performance at the absolute next level with Intel Core processors. And even better, you can get it.

[A]

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[D]

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[G]

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[E]

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[H]

This is Matt Rogers from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

[I]

This is Bowen Yang from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

[H]

Hey, Bowen. It's gift season.

[C]

Ugh.

[I]

Stressing me out. Why are all the people I love so hard to shop for like me?

[A]

Exactly, honey. I'm easy. But you're right.

[H]

Holiday gifting is stressful.

[I]

And all the gift guides out there are boring and uninspired.

[H]

Wait, what about the guide we made.

[I]

In partnership with Marshalls where premium gifts mean incredible value?

[H]

It's Giving Gifts, a series of guides filled with premium gifts at great value for everyone on your list.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

Cause if I see one more for the dad who likes golf list, I'm out.

[C]

Right.

[H]

How about something for the people who actually surprise you with categories?

[I]

Like best gifts for the mom whose idea of a sensible walking shoe is a stiletto.

[B]

Psst.

[I]

She wants a pair of stilettos.

[H]

Or best gifts for me that were so thoughtful. I really shouldn't have.

[I]

Dying to see what those are.

[H]

And you won't believe their prices.

[I]

Just wait till you see what else is in there. It's basically a one stop shop for everyone.

[H]

You know, I started bookmarking half the list for myself.

[I]

Honestly, this is the guy for the 2025 holiday gifting season.

[H]

Check out the guide on marshalls.com it's.

[I]

Giving gifts Gift the good stuff at Marshalls.

[C]

What do you play on a switch?

[A]

I. I play a lot of, like, they. They drop a lot of like, old.

[B]

School games and then.

[A]

Yeah, just, you know, I play lots of stuff.

[C]

Okay, so no specifics. Thanks.

[D]

Yeah, thanks. You're great at podcasting.

[C]

Just. Just name one. Just name one. Games from before are what I. I'm.

[A]

Trying to think of what it makes me go like.

[D]

Blake's kind of posing about playing Nintendo Switch.

[A]

No, dude, like Smash Bros. Of course.

[C]

Great.

[D]

Like, you have to.

[A]

That's a.

[D]

There's one.

[A]

One of the best.

[C]

But why are you saying that so angrily? What do you want me to do? Name video games. Super Smash Brothers. Donkey Kong. Fuck Text.

[A]

Are you out of my face, bro? Interview over. Interview over.

[C]

I just want to get to know you better, man.

[A]

Well, the classics.

[C]

I'm just like. I just want to know my friends a little bit.

[D]

We didn't know you had a dog. For like eight years, bro.

[A]

You don't listen. Even if I said what I played, you wouldn't listen. You'd forget as soon as this was over. You'd forget as soon as this was over.

[D]

Dude, we didn't know you had a dog named Pickles ever.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Is it Pickles?

[C]

Okay, so you play super smash, bro.

[D]

Weird that I have multiple friends with dogs named Pickles. You know, Adam, Ray's dog is named Pickles. Why?

[A]

It's almost the exact same dog. It's almost the exact same dog.

[D]

Why does everyone have a dog named Pickles? That's the same dog?

[A]

I don't know.

[D]

It's science.

[C]

Because people are unoriginal.

[A]

Oh, yeah, they.

[D]

You did commercials for them. They paid you no money. You. You wave their flag so high, guy.

[A]

Very proud.

[D]

Yeah, and then they ghosted you. I don't care if they're women or not. It's a women owned company. They fucking suck.

[C]

Go off king.

[D]

They. They did my boy dirty.

[C]

Also kind of don't like them appropriating. They're appropriating balls. That's kind of our thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, get your own. Get your.

[A]

To be fair to them.

[D]

Well, they could have called it.

[C]

Women have cans.

[D]

Yeah, it could have been cans.

[C]

They've got cans.

[D]

Could have been tit juice.

[C]

That's great, Adam. That's right.

[D]

A bag with a nipple.

[A]

I would drink. I would drink tit juice.

[D]

Tit juice.

[A]

You get you fucked up.

[D]

Maybe we come out with a. With our liqueur and his tit juice.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Men own for men.

[C]

Men owned teddy bag. And is it like a wine cooler? I'm drunk now. What is it?

[D]

It could be a. Well, whatever. I mean, it's whatever Slope.

[C]

Workshop it. We'll get like a. Whatever slop.

[D]

I mean, if it's. Yeah, it could be. I mean, if we're following Buzzball's playbook, it could be literal poison. The worst tasting beverage of all time. Stop.

[A]

I like it.

[C]

Okay, should we get a little squirt of. What's the, like breast milk. The real good breast milk. What's that one called? The liquid gold.

[A]

Oh, is it?

[D]

No, it's like. It starts with the C. We've got torso.

[A]

We've talked about it before.

[D]

Yeah. Where it comes out like yellow.

[C]

We did. We did a little squirt of that.

[D]

Yeah, a little squirt. What could be called little squirt?

[C]

Liquid gold.

[A]

Well, squirt is a beverage. You are aware of that.

[D]

Yeah, but low.

[C]

Little.

[D]

You had A little.

[C]

It's different. Yeah, different call.

[D]

I, I'm gonna come up with a soda. Soda. And call it little Coca Cola, little Pepsi called Colostrum.

[C]

Huh? Todd just came in with Colostrum.

[D]

Colostrum. Yes, Colostrum.

[A]

Way to get there, Todd. My boy with the colostrum from the.

[C]

Hey, anything that's got strum this musician, he's all about it.

[A]

Hey, yes points, baby.

[B]

Yes points.

[C]

We're just connecting dots that maybe don't even need to be connected.

[A]

Well, hey, I want, I do want to shout out buzzballs because they do do a month where they, they highlight testicular cancer, okay?

[D]

So they, so does everyone, dude. I, I, I'm sick of putting these companies on this high horse, on this pedestal, and then just because. And then they one time, once a, Once a year, they go, hey, guys have ball cancer. And suddenly we have to think they're a good company. I don't care, dude. They did my boy dirty. They paid him no money. He waved the flag super high. They. They are leaving him on scene. It's.

[A]

That is true. That's hurtful.

[C]

They left you on scene.

[D]

They leave you on scene.

[A]

Yeah, that hurts.

[D]

After all you've done for them, pushing the brand forward. Now they're taking all of your sweat act equity and they're cash it in, baby.

[C]

Sweaty, sweaty ass equ.

[D]

Sweaty ass equity.

[A]

It's a bagel.

[D]

And they're cashing in. I'm pissed now, dude.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Wow. Why aren't you my manager? What the.

[D]

I should be. I honestly, I would.

[C]

I'm pissed now.

[D]

I tell Isaac all the time what a great manager I think I would be.

[A]

I think you would be excellent if.

[D]

I didn't also have to do the whole other side of the job.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

Yeah. Can I tell you how much of a nightmare of a, Of a, of a manager you would be? Be?

[A]

What's that?

[C]

You imagine, like, you go in, like, on set, and then Adam comes in as your manager and just starts dancing and, like, doing and doing essentially stand up, and you're like, you got the.

[A]

You you had replaced me in.

[D]

No. Yeah.

[A]

Everything I did.

[C]

Adam would be like, know your lines. And you go, what are you. I think you're, Are you trying to usurped?

[D]

Dude, I'm just, I'm just mouthing your lines. All right, Off.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Scre.

[A]

Hey, dude, dude, dude, you should say this. You should say this. You're like, dude, you gotta go sit down, man.

[C]

You're in, my friend.

[D]

No, see, I would if I was okay. I. Fair point. That is a fair point. But if I happen to.

[C]

Who's singing? Who's singing?

[D]

I were to be a manager, I would then be playing the role of the manager. And the role of the manager doesn't do that. Okay, okay.

[A]

Oh, I like this acting manager.

[D]

And if I know what a role of a manager is by looking at eyes, Isaac, he's over at Crafty. He's telling people he had a thought in his brain. Punk rock getting radical.

[C]

He's not wearing underwear.

[D]

He's talking about bands from when he was young and then mentioning where Orange county is in proximity to where he is.

[C]

My favorite band is Absolute Crisis.

[D]

Huh? The Descendants. They're the best.

[C]

Gotta take your word for it, I guess. That was a band.

[D]

Punk rock getting radical. The best band is a band called off.

[C]

Yeah. So Henry Rollins spit in my mouth one time.

[D]

Gwen Stefani. I went to a house party and Gwen Stefani was there one time. Orange county punk rock getting radical.

[A]

You are the weakest link.

[C]

Goodbye.

[D]

So, yeah, I think I would be a pretty good manager.

[A]

Yeah, you would.

[D]

Thank.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you for standing up for me. By the way, I have a feeling.

[B]

Maybe Buzz Balls will be in the dms.

[D]

I hope so. I hope so. Because you love it. They're trash cash, but you love it. And I don't want their dirty money. Okay, that's for you. That's for my boy Blake, because he loves it. And people of Blake's ilk.

[A]

What is the what?

[C]

Right, right.

[D]

People with Blake's ilk, they love it.

[C]

I continue to wonder why they don't with Blake anymore.

[A]

What is going on here? Water.

[E]

Trash.

[D]

People of Blake's Oak, they love this. Poisoned water.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Poisonous. Yeah. So enough.

[A]

Okay. Well, I think I. Hopefully that set the record straight with them.

[D]

Yeah, I was actually kind of rooting for the guy that got punched until he made it the other guy eat his.

[A]

You're disaster, my guy.

[D]

Yeah, that got accurate. Real aggressive. I'd say that's even more aggressive than getting punched in the face.

[C]

You turn around and someone just goes, I love New York City.

[A]

He then sweep kicked him. He blanca sweep kicked him. And then put his fucking nuts all the way down into his mouth in one fail.

[C]

Swoop. Sweeping the leg, turning.

[A]

It was crazy.

[C]

Underwear gets pulled down, face ends up. He credit. He credit card slides your ass crack with his nose. Goes right into the bottom.

[A]

I've been waiting for this.

[D]

Oh, wait, so that guy ate his. I thought the. I thought you were Fortune. I thought you Were forcing him to eat your.

[C]

His own.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[C]

Yeah. So he punches me.

[D]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

But then I. I sweep the legs, and he. When he goes down. All in one move.

[A]

No, not. No, no, no. I have a different.

[C]

What's your move?

[A]

I sweep kick him, and then I grab his legs and I put him over his head, and then I start licking his ass.

[C]

Okay, let me. I'm trying to, like, picture this.

[A]

Yeah. And I say, now, now, you.

[D]

You.

[A]

Now you want to push me, baby.

[B]

You don't want to push me anymore, do you?

[C]

Right. Yeah.

[A]

Because you're liking what I'm doing.

[C]

You're licking.

[D]

Whatever.

[C]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah. Hey, you told him. You got him, man.

[A]

All right. Anything else in the news or you.

[D]

Lose, but that's very much like a. The type of thing. I think you would almost be so shocked that you would probably do nothing. I think the three of us would more than likely not do anything in that moment. Unless it's, like, you just snap. Which I've snapped for less.

[C]

But that's the thing is that. Do you want to be somebody who is so shocked? Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. I mean. I mean, I've snapped for less, so.

[A]

But Adam.

[I]

I feel like.

[A]

Adam, you. You snap for other reasons. Like, how often do you snap on, like a.

[B]

Like a. Someone is initiating a fight. That's just a different.

[A]

You really have to gauge a lot of stuff at. At that.

[D]

But you. When you snap, there's no gauging there. You just snap, and suddenly you're ready. You're flying high.

[A]

Hell yeah, brother.

[C]

Yeah. You didn't know that?

[D]

Give me a hell, yeah. I feel like the part of the reason I snap was a thing that I've developed since childhood, that if you act like a psychopath, no one wants to fight you because you're like, this guy will eat my face. Like he's a lunatic. Like, I don't want to fight him because he'll. He'll bite me. He'll, like, grab my neck nuts. He might try to eat my asshole. Like he's a lunatic.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

But if this guy has already punched you in the face, then you can't. There's no elevating past that because he's already in fight mode.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Let's step this out. Okay. Ready? You get on the train. The guy next to you turns, punches you in the face.

[D]

Yep. Okay. We've established this. Yeah.

[C]

Nose bloody. Back the fuck up off of me. Don't stand so close.

[B]

You're bloody.

[C]

You have to just Take off your back bag.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Set it down.

[D]

You have a bag.

[A]

Wait, what bag?

[C]

Unbutton your shirt slowly. Let him watch you do this.

[A]

Wait, you gotta crack your neck.

[D]

You.

[C]

You cross your hands on your chest, and then you just scratch yourself all the way across in an X. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I'm a dude.

[C]

And then you just go crazy on him. Right? And if you fail, you at least try. And if you win, you get to tell everybody on the train that you are the king daddy of the subway.

[D]

Well, yeah, then that's a cool story.

[A]

No, if you failed, you are viral as hell. Because there's like, look at this, bro. Who took.

[D]

Well, you know what I think you need to do is you need to have a really scary, scary tattoo or, like, a phrase tattooed on your chest. So then when you take off your shirt, everyone's like, what the. Like, oh, I'm. This is really scary.

[A]

Like, what is it? Are you saying, like, something Shakespearean? Like, what could it possibly. Yeah, Blake.

[C]

Yeah, Blake.

[A]

Terrifying.

[D]

Like you should be or not to be.

[A]

You're saying a scary phrase. Nothing. Like, don't with me. Like, I'm like, okay, you're a dork. But if it's like, some. I have to, like.

[C]

Adam means like, snake, dragons eating.

[D]

Yeah, I'm talking like. Like, Satan. Some Satan tattoo. Yeah, the goat or the goat guy.

[A]

Or, like, I thought you said a phrase.

[D]

I mean, I don't know any, like, Satan phrases off the top of my head.

[A]

I'm saying if. If what? If. If it's words, because, of course, we could have a picture. Like, you could have a. Yeah, Imagine.

[D]

You take it off, and it's full on. Of course, full on. Yakuza tattoos. And everyone's like, what the is this, then?

[A]

But I'm, like, saying what.

[C]

Someone's like, seems like cultural appropriation. You're like, I'm in the middle of something. Just give me a second. We'll address then.

[D]

But then they don't know. They don't know how much Asian ancestry I have.

[C]

I lived in Japan. My wife is Japanese. My children are Japanese.

[D]

That's whole backstory you're telling to the crowd.

[A]

Time out. Time out.

[B]

What could your chest say that would.

[A]

Warn someone not to. To with you? That could be taken seriously.

[D]

I'll eat your ass.

[C]

I was gonna try and think of one, and now I kind of don't.

[A]

I. I think it would be something Shakespearean, personally.

[D]

Okay, Blake. N. Name something Shakespeare in there or.

[A]

No, you know what? It would have to be something in, like, pig or not Pig Latin.

[D]

Latin.

[C]

I bite my thumb at you.

[A]

No, it have to be regular Latin. Like, pig. I'm a. I'm a relius. At. I don't know. I would have to.

[D]

Okay, very cool. Very cool phrase.

[C]

Something no one can read.

[D]

First of all, you. You want something that's easy, because in the moment, you want them to read it and be like, oh, what the. I mean, if it says, like, Hell's Angels chapter whatever, you know. You know, that's. You know, you're, like, affiliated to some gang or in some way or, you know, that's good.

[A]

Good. Yeah, yeah, Great. Great.

[D]

Call affiliates Rodriguei or whatever the. You just said.

[A]

You take your shirt off, and it says, I am a Hell's Angels. Stay away with me. Stay away, buddy.

[C]

You just with the wrong alien. Then it's like, see ya.

[D]

And then there's an ice agent on the train. He comes and takes you away immediately.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

It's like, oh.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Interesting.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Points.

[A]

Of course.

[C]

Of course.

[A]

But just to avoid.

[C]

To avoid that situation, those words are kind of lit by, like, a. You have, like, a flying saucer up here on your chest. Sure. And the light below that says, you just with the wrong alien from outer space.

[A]

I honestly think Kyle has this on his chest is what it is.

[C]

Dude.

[D]

I could see.

[C]

Kyle would lose. Kyle would just start going. He'd get punched, and then he would just start screaming and not fighting the guy.

[D]

Yeah, that's exactly.

[C]

Kyle would, like. You've seen the video. The dude, like, headbutting the car to intimidate the dude, and then he knocks himself out.

[D]

Yeah, that's the best.

[A]

I must have seen that. I must have seen that.

[D]

That's the best.

[C]

That's Kyle. That's Kyle.

[D]

I. Yeah, I feel Kyle would scream and yell, and the guy would probably be offput and be like, all right, I'm not gonna fight this psychopath. Right.

[C]

But.

[D]

And then Kyle would. Would, like, call Isaac and quit whatever job he's working on.

[C]

Right.

[A]

It's done.

[C]

Right, right, right.

[D]

He's like, I quit. I'm done, dude. This guy hit me on the subway. And Isaac would be like, what does that have to do with your work?

[C]

Yeah, I. Isaac would be like, did you take off your shirt and show him your tattoo and be like, I did. He laughed at it. He didn't take it seriously.

[D]

Screamed. I screamed and said, why, dad?

[C]

Yeah, freaking see you. I'm not allowed back in New York now. It's a whole thing.

[B]

This is what it is.

[A]

Oh, God. Oh, God.

[C]

But don't. But here's my. So the final question for this whole scenario is, do you want to be a person who, when you get punched in the face.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Because Adam, you said, like, in the jaw. So shocked you'd be, you'd be so shocked. Or do you want to be the person who goes, I just got punched. I'm in a fight now. Who do you want to be?

[D]

I don't know. I would prefer to be the guy that gets in the fight. But I think we are all in a precarious situation that if you get in a fight, that someone could. If you hit someone, like, I'm jacked as. And I know my boys are, too. Andy. And if I catch someone just right, he's toast, dude. I don't want to kill a man on the subway. And then you kill the man. But what if you.

[C]

What if you could? What if you could.

[D]

Then your family sues you.

[C]

Sure.

[D]

And then they now live in your house, and they're your wife, and they are raising your child wild.

[C]

Yeah. Court order. Honey, honey, it's court ordered.

[D]

Wait, that's how it goes, man. And I don't know if I'm willing to give up all of that, but.

[A]

Okay, great answer. I like that.

[D]

So you're a. Yeah, I, I guess.

[C]

Because I think that's what it comes down to is a. Just considers things. Right.

[D]

But I don't, I don't know what would happen. I mean, you guys know me. I do. I can, I do have a, A switch. Yeah. It takes me a long time to get to that. That point. But then I will snap. And I'm afraid, I'm afraid being punched in the face would be me. I, I, I guess I. The only time I was ever punched in the face was I was at a Queens of the Stone Age concert in San Diego, and I was punched in the face, and the guy broke my nose and.

[A]

But you were young.

[D]

I was young. I was 19 or 20.

[A]

You didn't have your man.

[D]

So they took me out the back because I was bleeding every. Everywhere, and security ushered me out the back, and now they're, like, kicking me out, and I'm like, what the. I was like, right. I'm. Where the is this guy? This guy came out and was the scariest looking guy. He was like 6, 4, huge.

[C]

42 years old.

[D]

He was. And. But, like, had very scary, like, skull and crossbone type tattoos.

[C]

And that's how you met Zach?

[A]

Chess said, I am a hell's angel. You better believe it, bro.

[D]

You better watch out. I. I'm a real hell angel. And the Mongols as well. Two biker gangs.

[C]

Them too.

[D]

And Nomads. I'm in that.

[C]

We're getting down to his pubic hair now. You're like, what is it?

[A]

Can I. I'm in all the biker gangs, bud. You better.

[D]

You better watch out. Watch out, mc.

[A]

And I hit hard, and I'm like, where the.

[D]

Is he? Where is he? Where can bring him to me? And the guy's like, okay, kid. All right. And then they brought him out, and he was like, do you want him. Him? He's like, oh, he's right here. And I'm like, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.

[A]

I'm good.

[D]

But I think if you. If someone is my size and I get hit by him, I would like to believe I would fight a man.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know.

[C]

And. And. Dear God, this is not an invitation.

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, no, no.

[D]

Don't.

[C]

To punch us in public.

[D]

Don't punch us. God, we just.

[C]

Guys, we're.

[D]

We're old.

[C]

We're philosophers. We're talking about life.

[A]

Please don't hit us.

[C]

Dude. I just. If you.

[D]

If you want to hit one of us, slide into Blake's DMS and pick a time and place.

[A]

Please don't be on the cruise and hit me. Please don't be on the cruise and punch. Here's.

[C]

Here's the. Here's the real deal. I will sue you for everything you got. I will be your.

[A]

I will have your ass in a vice.

[D]

I will. I will. Hey, we'll. Your wives. Sorry.

[A]

We will pass her around.

[D]

Sorry.

[A]

We will raise your kid.

[D]

That was the rules.

[A]

Court ordered.

[C]

And by the way. And by the way. And now that we've said that, don't show up on a subway with your wife and punch me and then gesture towards your wife who's willing.

[D]

Yeah, definitely don't do that. Because we don't want to. We don't want.

[C]

This is not what we're doing. We're not setting up some sort of scenario.

[A]

We don't want to do this.

[C]

We don't want to.

[B]

That.

[C]

But if push comes to shove. Comes to punching, but.

[D]

Yeah, but if punching comes to. I have. To Your wife and raise your kids. I will.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. I'm gonna get them in a good public school. Don't you worry about that. I'm gonna really get.

[C]

Please don't punch us. We just. We're just talking. We're just. It's all jokes, guys.

[G]

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[A]

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