Podcast Summary: "Exam Anxiety in Kids? Here's What Actually Works"
This Is So Awkward – March 17, 2026
Hosts: Dr. Cara Natterson & Vanessa Kroll Bennett

Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into the prevalence of exam anxiety among kids and teens, exploring why it’s on the rise and what actually helps—not just for the kids experiencing stress, but also for the adults supporting them. Drawing on their experiences as parents and experts, Dr. Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett blend scientific context, practical guidance, and genuine humor to unpack the pressures around tests, “quests,” exams, and assessments in today’s academic environment. The hosts also address how parents’ stress mirrors their children’s, how perfectionism and disengagement play unique roles, and provide concrete, evidence-based, and compassionate advice for managing exam season in any family.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Modern Reality of Assessments – Terms, Trends, and Triggers

• Exams vs. Assessments vs. Quizzes vs. Quests:
  • Vanessa humorously details how her own kids’ schoolwork spans “tests, quests, quizzes, assessments, and comps” (03:11). She notes kids often interpret parents’ questions literally—if you don’t specifically ask about all possible forms of assessment, expect surprises!
  • “Quest is like a cross between a quiz and a test. All of a sudden the kid had like six assessments over the course of the week.” – Vanessa (01:36)
• Changing School Practices:
  • Some schools now give “finals” outside of traditional May/June timeframes (end of February/early March) and reduce their weight to focus on learning how to take exams.
  • Cara and Vanessa both emphasize that different schools and teachers use vastly different approaches, and there’s no single right way. (05:25)
• The Rise of Achievement Pressure & Toxic Culture:
  • Vanessa names the elephant in the room: “Grades feel incredibly important these days… as much as we talk about toxic achievement culture… many of us are still participating in it.” (08:48)

2. The Lasting Effects of COVID on Testing and Grades

• Grade Inflation and Expectations:
  • During COVID, many schools froze grades, leading to widespread grade inflation and a narrow GPA band. This “reset the expectation,” with impacts still echoed today—students and parents struggle with the pressure of grades now that normal assessment practices have resumed.
  • “It’s a funny thing. We’re still having repercussions from what was a survival strategy… but we gotta acknowledge what it is.” – Cara (13:54)
• Colleges and Careers Now Focus More on Grades:
  • Students perceive a heightened emphasis on grades for certain college tracks and professional programs compared to previous generations. (Most undergraduates “don’t remember” such grade focus during their own college years.) (13:54)

3. The Double-Edged Sword: Why Testing Skills Matter, and at What Cost?

• Real-World Value vs. Stress:
  • Exams teach crucial life skills—information integration, decision-making, and self-regulation—valuable for future studies and professional exams (e.g., graduate school, licensure). But the emotional and health trade-offs are real.
  • “Every day we go through life having to integrate information… and we become better and better decision makers over time on account of it.” – Cara (23:58)
• Protecting Mental Health:
  • Vanessa observes the central challenge: “The hardest part is balancing the seesaw between helping our kids acquire skills… and protecting their mental health… so the stress doesn’t overwhelm them long term.” (25:29)
  • Awareness of the mental health crisis among young people makes this balancing act more urgent and fraught.

4. Understanding The Physiology of Stress

• Cortisol’s Toll:
  • Cara offers a science primer:
    • Stress triggers the adrenal glands to produce cortisol—the same hormone whether running from a lion or facing chemistry finals.
    • “The body was designed to have bursts of cortisol. What it was not designed to do is manage chronically high levels.” – Cara (27:23)
    • Long-term high cortisol correlates with health problems and even early puberty.
  • The whole family gets swept up in stress cycles: “It’s not just my kids… it’s like, we have our own stressors anyways and then our kids stressors come on.” – Vanessa (31:50)

5. Real-World Parenting Strategies: Balancing Help, Agency, and Boundaries

When Kids are Underpreparing (Low Motivation)

• Supportive Inquiry Over Accusation:
  • Instead of “You haven’t done enough,” Vanessa asks, “Can you walk me through what you’ve done so far to prep for this exam?” (35:26)
  • Validates kids’ existing work, helps them reason through what’s incomplete, and can lead to self-discovery of gaps.
    • Notable exchange:
      • Cara: “What if the answer is not what you want it to be?”
      • Vanessa: “You can try lots of strategies… but at a certain point, you have to accept that it is out of your control… and they’re going to have to live with the consequences.” (38:20)
• Tactics for Non-Communicative Kids:
  • Try “Let me quiz you” or suggest practice tests. If kids resist or shut down, acceptance and readiness to let natural consequences play out is sometimes necessary.

When Kids are Overpreparing (Perfectionist Tendencies)

• Enforcing Healthy Boundaries:
  • Help perfectionists pull back with pre-set boundaries (e.g., require a bedtime) and explain why sleep aids memory, performance, and mood. (42:02)
  • Cara suggests: Validate their hard work, then contextualize it—over-preparation and chronic stress aren’t sustainable or conducive to a whole, happy life.
  • “I’m so impressed with the work ethic… but the strategy you’re [using] is not going to pay off in the long run.” – Cara (42:51)
• When to Seek Professional Help:
  • For either end of the spectrum (total withdrawal or dangerous perfectionism), schools’ guidance counselors, pediatricians, and mental health professionals can be crucial support.

6. Practical Anxiety Management & Self-care Tips

• Physiological Regulation:
  • Encourage routines that lower cortisol:
    • Quality sleep, nutritious meals, movement/exercise, outdoor time, mindful breaks (e.g., shower/bath, music, short walks).
  • Help kids notice their own stress signals (e.g., body tension, mood) and what self-care strategies actually help them.
• Normalizing Mistakes and Resetting Perspective:
  • Vanessa: “It doesn’t define them as a person. There’s many ways to prove their knowledge and worth… but it’s really hard for a kid to hear that in the middle of studying.” (50:40)
• Small Treats & Joys:
  • Ice pops, chocolate, or friendly check-ins can be small but meaningful mood-boosters during high-stress weeks.
• Fun Fact:
  • Vanessa experimented with giving her son sour candies before tests; emerging research suggests this could help reduce anxiety. (47:31)

7. Supporting Different Kids, Different Needs

• Development is on your side:
  • “You’re going to look at your 12-year-old, 14-year-old, whatever, 15-year-old, and be like, ‘How do they not know this? We’ve had this conversation 700 times.’ Because they’ve gotta experience it and learn it and experiment… but over time… they do get better.” – Vanessa (18:50)
• Collaboration and Peer Support:
  • Encourage study groups and sharing strategies among classmates to decrease isolation and make test prep social, interactive, and less stressful.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the proliferation of assessment types:
  • “Quest is like a cross between a quiz and a test…” – Vanessa (01:36)
• On parenting through stress cycles:
  • “It’s like, we have our own stressors anyways and then our kids’ stressors come on. When we’re all together, it’s a perfect recipe for things to go sideways.” – Vanessa (31:50)
• On letting go as a parent:
  • “You can be super calm… but at a certain point, you have to accept that it is out of your control, that it is up to them, it is up to their choice, and they’re going to have to live with the consequences.” – Vanessa (38:20)
• On perfectionist kids:
  • “I’m so impressed with the work ethic… but the strategy that you are employing for your work ethic is not going to pay off in the long run.” – Cara (42:51)
• On helping kids self-regulate:
  • “Self regulation is everything. And these are…life skills that will get you through so many tricky situations as you get older.” – Cara (00:57 & 48:26)
• On perspective and self-worth:
  • “Even if it feels like the highest of stakes, the most high stakes is that your kid feels loved and cared for by you.” – Vanessa (53:43)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:36 – The explosion of assessment types (“tests, quizzes, quests, comps”)
• 05:25 – Discussion of differing school exam practices; context for parental confusion
• 08:48 – Addressing the culture of grade obsession and parental hypocrisy
• 13:54 – COVID’s lasting effects on grades and college expectations
• 23:17 – The “real world” value of exams and integration of knowledge
• 25:29 – The struggle to balance skill-building and mental health
• 27:23 – Science of stress and cortisol’s impact
• 31:50 – Family stress cycles during exam season
• 35:26 – Vanessa’s non-judgmental approach (“Walk me through what you’ve done…”)
• 38:20 – Knowing when to let go and accept kids’ choices
• 42:02 – Strategies for perfectionists; enforcing boundaries and prioritizing sleep
• 47:31 – Sour candies as an anxiety intervention (!)
• 50:40 – Helping kids keep perspective on what grades mean for self-worth
• 53:43 – Concluding message on unconditional love over achievement

Tone and Final Words

Dr. Cara and Vanessa mix evidence-based advice, transparency, and empathy with moments of banter and levity—making for a relatable, honest conversation. Their actionable tips and validation of parental and kid emotions offer a lifeline to families navigating academic pressure.

“Even if it feels like the highest of stakes, the most high stakes is that your kid feels loved and cared for by you.” – Vanessa (53:43)

Recommended for:
Any parent, educator, or student wrestling with the anxieties and realities of modern school assessments—this episode delivers comfort, strategy, and a more compassionate frame.