Podcast Summary:

This Is So Awkward
Episode: Parents Have Feelings Too: Anger, Disgust + All the Messy Emotions
Hosts: Dr. Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett
Guests: Hilary Jacobs Hendel and Julie Fraga
Date: February 10, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode explores the complex and often overlooked emotional landscape of parents raising tweens and teens, drawing from the book Parents Have Feelings Too by Hilary Jacobs Hendel (Psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist) and Julie Fraga (Clinical psychologist and parent educator). The conversation focuses on three core, “messy” parental emotions—disgust, disappointment, and anger—and how parents can identify, understand, and manage these feelings in healthy ways without shaming their children or themselves. The tone is candid, compassionate, and practical, blending science, personal experience, and actionable advice.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Value of Naming and Understanding Core Emotions

• Emotional Self-Awareness: Parents are often unaware of how their own emotional responses, sometimes reflexive or "in jest," can impact their children.

• Notable Quote:

  “It completely changed my life because I didn’t know there was anything to learn about emotions ... We do these things sort of without paying attention and being attuned.”
  —Hilary Jacobs Hendel (06:37)

• Frameworks for Processing Emotions: The authors' book and discussion present a framework to codify and process core parental emotions for healthier relationships.

2. Disgust in Parenting

The Everyday Reality of Disgust

• Disgust is a natural, evolutionary response, often triggered by kids' rooms, hygiene, or body changes.
• Parents commonly make shaming comments without realizing ("You're so smelly," "Are you sure there isn't a dead animal in there?") [05:03]

Disgust as a Useful Emotion—With Risks

• Disgust protects us, but repeated shaming leads to withdrawal and shame in kids.
• Notable Quote:

  “There’s this kind of connection between showing disgust and having somebody have a shame response. And that’s really what we are worried about.”
  —Hilary Jacobs Hendel (07:35)

Finding the Line: Teasing vs. Shaming

• Joyful teasing can quickly turn into shaming if parents aren't attuned to their child’s nonverbal responses.

• Response should be “anchored in connection, in compassion, even saying something and keeping it light touch.”
  —Julie Fraga (13:07)

• Use “we” or “I” statements to join, not single out; the right approach depends on the parent-child relationship. (15:00)

When Kids “Don’t Care”

• Sometimes “less is more”—give space for responses, and observe if behavior changes rather than pushing the issue. (18:43)

Disgust and Changing Bodies: Parental Self-Work

• Parents' disgust or discomfort over a child's body changes often reflects their own past pain or baggage.

• Guidance: reflect on your emotional triggers before directing them at your child. (20:06)

• For parents whose kids are struggling (but not the parent), offer empathy, connection, and space. (21:44)

3. Disappointment

Expectations and Family Dynamics

• Disappointment often comes from unspoken expectations or fantasies about children’s lives.

• It's “a bitter pill to swallow” but essential to remember kids “didn’t ask to be born” and are unique human beings.
  —Hilary Jacobs Hendel (24:59)

• Parents’ disappointment may be tied to narcissistic gratification—wanting to see themselves in their kids.

  • “It’s harder to see [kids like us] as independent human beings. There is a narcissism in it.”
    —Vanessa (25:39)

Adoption & Family Structure

• Disappointment can be felt acutely in adoptive families, which inherently include themes of loss and difference.
  • “Oftentimes in adoption ... there's loss on both ends before the family ever comes to be. And in that loss are emotions.”
    —Julie Fraga (29:23)

Processing Disappointment

• Recognize, pause, and tend to your own emotional needs instead of trying to shape your child into your ideal.
• Support kids’ individual paths, acknowledge all family identities and experiences. (28:17–30:48)

4. Anger

The Misunderstood Core Emotion

• Anger, like disgust, is a core emotion and not inherently “bad.” Suppressing or misunderstanding it leads to problems.
• “If you don’t understand what anger is, you make it up in your head. This is this terrible thing that can make me do bad things, so I gotta squash it.”
  —Hilary (32:49)

Using Anger Constructively

• Recognize and validate anger, pause before acting, and consider long-term relationship goals.
• Practical Response (36:02):
  • Notice anger and decide:
    “Once I try to know what the anger is, where do I feel it, what’s it telling me ... how do I want to use this anger? ... Not to take the bait, access my connection and calm, and just say, ‘Ouch, are you okay?’”
• Distinguish between the feeling (anger) and the unacceptable behavior the feeling may prompt.

Lingering or Recurrent Anger

• If anger persists, ask: Is this old pain resurfacing? Is it about this interaction or deeper issues?
• Use grounding techniques, seek external support if family dynamics perpetuate anger (e.g., in sibling conflicts). (40:06–41:39)

5. Teaching Kids About Core Emotions

Don't Over-Instruct—Model

• Rather than trying to “teach” complex frameworks, model emotional awareness and healthy regulation by example.

• Notable Quote (42:42):

  “At best, your child is older. Leave [the book] on the coffee table and with any luck, they'll pick it up.”

• Demonstrate pausing, naming emotions, and acting with thought and empathy.

• Key to mental health: experiencing the seven core emotions with minimal inhibition or defensiveness. (43:19–44:35)

Observation and the “What Happens Next” Principle

• Pay attention to the ripples after an emotional event—watch, observe, and avoid over-talking.
• “We can’t be the one talking ... we have to be a little quieter and a little more observant and paying attention.”
  —Vanessa (46:09)

Memorable Quotes (With Timestamps)

• “There’s this kind of connection between showing disgust and having somebody have a shame response. And that’s really what we are worried about.”
  —Hilary Jacobs Hendel (07:35)

• “Less is more. Less is more. Sip and sip it, sip it and wait and see.”
  —Hilary (18:43)

• “This child didn’t ask to be born, but was born a completely unique human being that, if you’re lucky, will be like you as a parent. And often it has.”
  —Hilary (24:59)

• “You can’t really be okay with other people’s emotions until you’re okay with your own. There’s a direct correlation.”
  —Hilary (43:19)

• “Paying attention to what happens next ... with kids, I love the idea of paying attention ... to the ripples in the water after the initial event.”
  —Vanessa (45:35–46:09)

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 05:03 – Common ways parents shame kids about disgust
• 06:37 – The role of disgust & shame in parent-child relationships
• 13:07 – How to address hygiene and body changes positively
• 18:43 – “Less is more” with defensive kids
• 24:59 – Processing disappointment and parental expectations
• 29:23 – Adoption, loss, and disappointment
• 32:49 – Understanding and reframing parental anger
• 36:02 – How to use anger constructively with kids
• 40:06 – Handling lingering and recurrent anger
• 42:42 – Modeling emotions for children
• 45:35 – Observing the aftermath: paying attention to “what happens next”

Conclusion & Takeaways

• Core Emotions in Parenting: Disgust, disappointment, and anger are universal and normal in raising adolescents.
• Healthy Processing: Understanding, naming, and sitting with these feelings leads to less shame and better connection—with both children and oneself.
• Practical Advice:
  • Use empathy, compassion, and non-judgmental observation.
  • “Less is more”—often, pausing and saying less is most effective.
  • Model, rather than lecture, emotional regulation.
• Ultimate Message:
  With a blend of honesty, science, and supportive guidance, parents can navigate their own messy emotions and model healthy emotional life for their children—making this awkward stage not just survivable, but growth-promoting for all.

Recommended Next Step:
Pick up Parents Have Feelings Too for a deeper dive, and remember: “All feelings are welcome. All behaviors are not.” (Frequent podcast mantra, attributed to Eliza Pressman)