#609 - Chris Distefano

Summary

This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von — Episode #609: Chris Distefano

Aired: September 10, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode of "This Past Weekend," Theo Von welcomes back New York City stand-up comedian Chris Distefano (recently engaged, host of the returned "History Hyenas" podcast) for a wide-ranging, irreverent, and laughter-packed conversation. The comedians touch on topics from modern-day racism, family dynamics, and the evolving landscape of comedy, to the pressures of show business, the importance of presence, and what love looks like over the years. The episode mixes candid insight and outrageous humor, providing fans of both comics with plenty of memorable moments and quote-worthy exchanges.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedy as a Tool to Address Race and Social Change

• Racism in Today’s America:
  • Chris jokes about how modern racism feels "confusing" due to intermixing of races, joking about "fractional racism" and the impossibility of being prejudiced against just part of someone ([03:12]).
  • Both comics riff on their mixed families, jokingly turning family dynamics into parody (“My ten-year-old’s chosen to be more Latina, my four-year-old’s chosen to be more white” [03:16]).
  • Discussion on the trend of race-baiting in the media and how profit is often made off stirring racial division ([13:10]–[15:02]).
• On Comedy Crossing Racial Lines:
  • Watching and critiquing Drewski's viral skit, Theo and Chris debate if these depictions perpetuate stereotypes or are valuable social commentary ([12:01]–[14:16]).
  • “In the name of comedy, I say, give it a try... Give it a try. Any white person that's offended by that is just, you know, they're kind of Guantanamo Bay, in a way.” — Chris ([14:54])
  • They discuss how humor can expose or alleviate racial tension, comparing “funny” versus “racist and hateful” comedy ([16:09]).

2. Parenting, Family, and the Absurdities of Raising Kids

• Raising Children in a Diverse Household:
  • Chris' comedic take on his daughters’ self-identification and “calling ICE on each other” ([03:34]).
  • Parodying over-the-top discipline, he describes the “Guantanamo Bay” timeout room in his basement ([04:16]).
• Safety and Social Media:
  • Chris talks about letting his kids loose on social media while he stays off for sanity ([06:17]). Theo contrasts the "online world" drama to real life.
• Preparation for the Modern World:
  • Riffing on true crime and TikTok “predator busting,” they debate the strange psychological space of vigilante justice ([07:04]–[09:14]).

3. Comedy as Salvation and Social Commentary

• Lessons from Old-School Comics:
  • Both comedians praise the sharpness of New York comics like Jim Norton, Colin Quinn, and the late Patrice O'Neal ([54:22]–[55:07]), differentiating between authentic comedy and content manufactured for the internet.
• The Need for Selective Attention:
  • Chris stresses the importance of focusing on one's immediate family and friends rather than being consumed by the anonymous internet fray ([15:02], [67:33]).
  • “If I don't know you personally, you don't affect me at all, positive or negative.” — Chris ([15:02])
• Comedy and Regulation:
  • Reflections on Nazi jokes, the restrictions in Germany, and the evolution of what's permissible in comedy ([18:00]–[19:32]).

4. Personal and Career Growth

• Showbiz Highs and Lows:
  • Chris opens up about moving his Madison Square Garden show from the arena to the theater after slow ticket sales and learning to accept losses as learning opportunities ([27:40]–[32:12]).
  • “In this life, there's no losses, just learning.” — Chris’ daughter (via Giannis Pappas, [32:12])
• Priorities Shifting with Family:
  • Explains not chasing perpetual stand-up tours anymore: “Time has literally become more valuable than money to me right now because of my... kids” ([34:27]).

5. Current Events and New York City Politics

• NYC’s Political Future:
  • Discussion on Zoran Mamdani’s mayoral campaign and "millionaires’ tax," with skepticism about taxing the wealthy too hard ([41:06]–[42:40]).
  • Debate on whether media exaggerates certain issues, and the complex opinions within ethnic communities ([42:20]–[43:13]).
• Tribality vs. Racism:
  • “Everybody's kind of racist, man... People are tribal, too." — Chris ([43:04]–[43:16])

6. Reflections on Love, Relationships, and Presence

• Love as Action, Not Feeling:
  • Chris shares candidly how real love emerged from loyalty, imperfection, and action rather than infatuation ([69:59]–[73:36]).
  • “Love is an action. All these years later... the real love was her and I coming back together after a big fight. Her showing me so much loyalty, me showing her loyalty.” — Chris ([71:15])
• Power of Being Present:
  • “I'm where my feet are. I'm fully with you right now.” — Chris on prioritizing presence over distraction ([76:05])
  • The joys of time with family, and ongoing effort to “make your life a little smaller” and focus on what matters ([88:48]–[89:16]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Race, Family, and Social Dynamics

• “You almost need a calculator...you know what? I'm only gonna be racist against a half of this person or a quarter of them. It's like, it's just too confusing now, right?” — Theo ([02:58])
• “My 4-year-old has been fully on FaceTime with ICE agents trying to get my 10-year-old locked up.” — Chris ([03:34])
• “If I don't know you personally, you don't affect me at all, positive or negative.” — Chris ([15:02])

On Comedy as Reflection

• “In the name of comedy, I say, give it a try. Any white person that's offended by that is just... they're kind of Guantanamo Bay, in a way.” — Chris ([14:54])
• “Undeniably to me, you can't be racist and funny. It's one or the other.” — Chris ([16:09])

On Career Ups and Downs

• “In this life, there's no losses, just learning.” — Chris’s daughter/Giannis ([32:12])
• [Regarding Madison Square Garden] “And now the theater is all but sold out. And I haven't stressed about it in six months.”* ([28:47])

On Love and Presence

• “Love is an action....She's taking me in for my imperfections. So for me, that makes her perfect to me.” — Chris ([71:15])
• “I'm where my feet are. I'm fully with you right now.” — Chris ([76:05])

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | | ---------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | 00:30 | Theo intros Chris Distefano with playful banter and joking on race | | 03:12 | Mixed families & confusion in "modern racism" | | 03:34 | Chris's joke about kids FaceTiming ICE | | 14:08 | Drewski skit breakdown, commentary on comedy and racism | | 15:02 | Chris on not letting online strangers affect his mood or life | | 27:40 | MSG show story — moving from arena to theater, humility, learning | | 32:12 | “No losses, just learning” — lesson from daughter (Giannis Pappas) | | 34:27 | Prioritizing family over showbiz, the value of time | | 42:15 | NYC mayoral politics, Zoran Mamdani, skepticism about progressive tax hikes | | 53:07 | Jim Norton impression & “comedy for audiences vs. for comics” | | 69:59 | Chris's philosophy on love evolving from feeling to action | | 76:05 | “Be where your feet are” — on practicing presence, learning from Giannis Pappas | | 88:48 | “Make your life a little smaller” — closing reflections by Chris |

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Episode Highlights

• Hilariously Honest Family Talk:
  Chris and Theo’s banter about their kids, raising mixed families, and comedic exaggerations of discipline and tribal loyalty.
• Nuanced Discussion of Comedy:
  The line between offensive and funny, shifting media landscapes, and the difference between comedy for laughs, change, or shock.
• Candid Professional Vulnerability:
  Chris’s honesty about ticket sales, recalibrating dreams, and learning that “there's no losses, just learning.”
• Powerful Reflections on Love:
  Chris’s clear-eyed view of long-term love as action and acceptance, delivered with both warmth and humor.
• Real Talk about Focus & Presence:
  Theo and Chris’s shared belief in the value of keeping attention on what really matters—family, friends, and the present moment.

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Final Takeaway

This episode is both laugh-out-loud funny and rich in perspective, blending the raw honesty of two friends with varied experiences in comedy and life. Listeners get a behind-the-scenes look at stand-up's psychological challenges, New York City’s ongoing transformation, and modern family life—all delivered with the unique, offbeat rhythms that make “This Past Weekend” a standout in the comedy podcast world.

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For more:

• Chris Distefano’s tour dates and new episodes of History Hyenas are discussed and promoted.
• Theo teases his own upcoming special at the Beacon Theatre in New York.

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If you missed it, these moments embody the episode’s soul:

“Love is an action... the real love was her and I coming back together after a big fight. Her showing me so much loyalty, me showing her loyalty. That’s the love.” — Chris ([71:15])

“Make your life a little smaller. That’s what I try to tell my kids, man. There’s so many things going on in the world...but you could sweep up in front of your crib.” — Chris ([88:48])

Transcript

[Chris D'Elia]

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[Theo Von]

Today's guest is a standup comedian out of New York City. He's performing this Thursday at the Madison Square garden theater on 9 11. I'm thankful to have him back in studio. The recently engaged Mr. Chris Destefano. You're pretty good. Yeah. Dude, is. I guess race. Is racism still alive, do you think? What do you think is really going on with racism?

[Chris D'Elia]

With racism? What I really think is going on is I think that it's turning around now. And now it's pretty much just whites and blacks coming together to be racist against the Chinese.

[Theo Von]

You do?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. So that's what I think is the. Is the nice thing about racism is, is we're kind of. Everybody's teaming up now, you know, and so it's about a common enemy, because it used to be white versus black, but that's not at all what it is anymore. And Latinos have been absorbed up into white, and it's. Everything is just. Not Chinese Americans, just people from China.

[Theo Von]

Okay.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's where it seems to be going now. Well, the.

[Theo Von]

Some black folks were beating up the Chinese during the COVID stuff. Remember that?

[Chris D'Elia]

That was the big thing. That was. I have, you know, I have a lot of friends. I obviously by my haircut, you know, and you know me for a long time, but I have a lot of friends who are in the nypd and I have an honorary police badge just for my. Just because of the way I look. I was just given one. You know, like, some people get, like, a honorary doctorate, like Bill Cosby, the G. OG I got an honorary NYPD Just because of my look.

[Theo Von]

Oh, I could see you breaking that out, like, in a men's bath house or something. Like, everybody down.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, yeah.

[Theo Von]

And mouths open.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. I'm on a big group chat with, like, 30 cops, and anytime there's, like, a pro protest, they'll just. They'll just be. They'll. They'll just start writing CS And I'm like, what the hell is that? They're, like, cracking skulls. Yeah, yeah. Just start coming out Coffin time. That's what it is. Yeah, but I think that you really.

[Theo Von]

Think that because racism, like, you know, it's just, it's gotten into like when I was young, it was like, I don't say it was nice, whatever, but it was just, it was easy. It was like, yeah, okay. Everybody was a certain thing and you kind of got to pick them out and you knew who was going to pick on you type of thing.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

But then people started getting so mixed. It's like you almost need like a calculate. You almost, you're like, what is. You know what? I'm only gonna be racist against a half of this person or a quarter of them. It's like, it's just too confusing now, right?

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, it's too confusing.

[Theo Von]

It's like when you started doing fractions when you were like in fourth grade.

[Chris D'Elia]

And it's also like everybody is every race and everybody's. Every gender and everyone. Like I have it even in my own family because, you know, I got, my kids are half white, half Latino, and you know, I have a 10 year old daughter and a 4 year old daughter. And there's even division there. Like my 10 year old has chosen to be more latina and my 4 year old's chosen to be more white.

[Theo Von]

That's what's up.

[Chris D'Elia]

And, and so I'll have my four year old multiple times. Multiple times my four year old has, you know, because she's there, learn. These kids are so damn good on the iPad. Now, Multiple times my 4 year old has been fully on FaceTime with ICE agents trying to get my 10 year old locked up. And then it's like, you know, do you put them. Because I, And I put them in timeout, but you're like, is that enough?

[Theo Von]

And timeout is what the government's trying to put them in.

[Chris D'Elia]

Exactly.

[Theo Von]

Is it just like a pract? Like, you know, I think these days for, I think for Latino kids, you got to make timeout intense.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Theo Von]

You know, to at least get them ready in case they get picked up.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's what. Actually, it's funny you say that. That's what I've been implementing in my house. I have a little room in my basement.

[Theo Von]

Alligator. Alcatraz.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, we actually call it Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. And so we have it set up. We have like a little video camera there. We put them all in, you know, masks when they go down there. And it's a whole thing to get them set up. Because the truth is, man, is if one. One of my children has chosen to be White. And one of my children has chosen to be Latino.

[Theo Von]

That's on them.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's on them. And it caused division with, you know, my wife and I, like, I have to now choose, you know, and obviously I choose white.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

You know, as you have.

[Theo Von]

I don't. I mean, I mean, I think these days I am on the. The fence, you know, or like, how do you say the fence in Spanish? Bring that up.

[Chris D'Elia]

La Fency.

[Theo Von]

You think that's French?

[Chris D'Elia]

No. You used to la now, do you?

[Theo Von]

She's cute. How old is she?

[Chris D'Elia]

For real? Right?

[Theo Von]

But no.

[Chris D'Elia]

What's. We're. We're in Tennessee, so I don't know. What, What's. What's the age?

[Theo Von]

I mean, I'll say it. Excuse. A little. Nothing to drive down here for.

[Chris D'Elia]

I just want to say I love Celsius.

[Theo Von]

It's not like the old days. I'm like, I'm going to need some today.

[Chris D'Elia]

Really? Oh, you're not feeling. I'm sorry, man.

[Theo Von]

No, I'm okay. Let's go through some of the stuff you've said already because, yeah, I do think, you know, these days they're picking up so many people for so many things that at home, timeouts should be more extensive for these kids. It's got to be more intense. You got to put them under a bright lamp or something like that. You gotta, you know, tape their feet to the floor and tickle them. Like you gotta do things that are gonna prep them.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, yeah, and also too, I like, I prepare my children, you know, for. Because, you know, for like kidnappings and things like that. Because with all the NETFLIX content and just content in general, it needs to come out. You have to think that networks and streamers are going to start to just do things for the content. So they will just let a serial killer loose or just pay a dude to just kind of get out there and kidnap kids. So they have the story. So you have to, you know, my kids want to get into acting, so maybe that's the way.

[Theo Von]

Well, you know, they just started a lot of those PDF files that they're busting of it air at Target. You've seen these TikToks?

[Chris D'Elia]

No. That's what the beautiful thing.

[Theo Von]

Have you seen them?

[Chris D'Elia]

I haven't because I've been off social media. Not on social. I've. I've. I've went away. I just let my kids go on it.

[Theo Von]

That's fine.

[Chris D'Elia]

I just let them. I just let them kind of get all the energy out on social media. Let them make profiles, talk to whomever they want. And I'm not on it.

[Theo Von]

Oh, you got to keep the breadwinner safe.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, dude, I gotta. You know, my brain gotta be here.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. You know, dude, I was thinking that there a lot of the pedia files that are now. I guess they always. Now it's not even cops busting them. It's just like dudes busting them. It's like regular dude. They'll just wander up on a guy and they're like, so who you here to see? You know?

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Theo Von]

Just some guy and. But, you know, the guy has been flirt. Flirting with a child online. A hypothetical child. The other guy who's busting him has been sitting around pretending to be a child.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Theo Von]

Making sexual advances or I don't want to say that entirely, but communicating sexually with a hypothetical adult because at that point they don't know they're online. Which both sides of it, like, definitely the predator is. That's it. That's a crime. The other side also has to be a little bit weird at a certain times. Like the psyche that happens if all day or six hours a day for four days a week, you're sitting there pretending to be a child and like, responding to like, sexual advances of adults has to be kind of weird.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's. Yes.

[Theo Von]

But then they get them to these places and instead of busting them, now they're doing things where there's physical challenges and they let them go if they can complete the physical challenge.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. I mean, it's kind of a genius move because it's like. It's kind of like, you know, American Ninja Warrior meets Chris Hansen.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Which is kind of dope. You know what I mean? It's kind of interesting because we have to get to that level. But I think, yeah. Unfortunately, now everything. You got to know what's content. Everything in some ways is content. So what I like to do is I don't film it. I just do it for the greater good. Is there was a dude in the local Buffalo Wild Wings in the mall near my house. And what he was doing is he was sitting in the stall and he had little cat. He had cameras coming out of his pants up onto his shoes, shooting up, filming up. And he would look for little kids.

[Theo Von]

When he'd slide the camera under the.

[Chris D'Elia]

Shoes, he would slide the shoe under and it'd be just taking snapshots and videos of little kids on the toilet. So what I would do is I would go in there and I had, you know, I call it a fake baby penis, but it Was just my actual penis. That looks relatively, you know, like a baby penis. Not circumcised, kind of just there. I actually still have the umbilical cord.

[Theo Von]

It kind of looks like an outie belly butt.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, you've seen it before. Yeah, exactly. So. And I still got the umbilical cord, so I just had them. I would just have them take pictures of my, you know, baby dick and balls, and then we bust them like that. And I wouldn't even call the police. It would just be my friends from the group chat. I would just say cs and they would just start cracking this dude skulls. And then that's how we'd get them off the streets. Because you do got to think I agree with you. You know, these people that expose the pedophiles. It's like, you're not a pedophile, but you're also not doing it for the greater good.

[Theo Von]

It's like, I think there has to be some weird psychological thing that has to mess with you after a while and bring up some of the. Those pedophiles that were completing the challenges and stuff. Can you see that you look a.

[Chris D'Elia]

Kind of beefy dude up in the shoulders, like, you're stronger now.

[Theo Von]

I have been in. I've been in the gym.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

I'm feeling tired, though.

[Chris D'Elia]

Do you think you have early stage Covid? What do you. What are you tired from? Do you think, bro?

[Theo Von]

I don't. You have to, first of all, fully believe in Covid to even get it. I believe 100%, but they're just getting stronger. That's great. And then they let them back in the lot. It's like they're just getting stronger.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Well, that they're getting. Some Are doing hurdles. Once guy had to eat, like, 40 eggs, and it's like, okay, now he's.

[Chris D'Elia]

Now you got mad protein, and you can grab any kid you want.

[Theo Von]

Well, it's just they're getting stronger.

[Chris D'Elia]

So do you think then the solution is obviously to give the kids guns?

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

Would that be the solution? I don't know.

[Theo Von]

I know that's gonna.

[Chris D'Elia]

Because that's what's gonna happen is the first active shooter is gonna go in with a plan and get shot by the students right away and just feel like an idiot.

[Theo Von]

What if they had a dude named Guantanamo Bay, Right. Bae, and he was just, like, this gay dude in the. Like, in Guantanamo that was just, like, slurping everybody, like, everything's fine, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

I would. I would want to get arrested.

[Theo Von]

You would be that you'd be A great guy to be. Guantanamo Bay.

[Chris D'Elia]

And I know how to play both sides. I know how to play Latino and gay easily. You could do it. I have both dudes living inside me right now.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, well, I think. I mean, yeah, I think. Look, if that's how you feel. I'm not. I'm not. You know, I'm.

[Chris D'Elia]

I don't know. I'll tell you how I feel about that.

[Theo Von]

My pronouns are he, nosotros.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. Wait, no. Sotros. What's this tree? Nosotros and vosotros.

[Theo Von]

Vosotros means us.

[Chris D'Elia]

And what does nosotros. We got it.

[Theo Von]

I think that's it. Oh, vosotros means you. Sorry, I think it's formal.

[Chris D'Elia]

Can you hit that accent? Because I'm so thrilled.

[Theo Von]

God, no, dude, I have two kids right now.

[Chris D'Elia]

Do you want kids, man?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I want some. I want to get into that too. But I do want to also ask you, though. Yeah. What did you think about. Oh, they just had that Drew Ski clip that came up. I want to talk about that. About. Do you see that?

[Chris D'Elia]

No, but I'd love to see it. It's. It's cool to not know what's going on in the world at all. And it's also cool to catch up with you. And I don't even know what's going on in your life.

[Theo Von]

Well, this is the kind of thing that's happening. We will get into that because I know last time you were here, we had a huge conversation for two hours. It was Valentine's Day. We talked about love. We talked about where we're at.

[Chris D'Elia]

It must have been years ago.

[Theo Von]

Dude, it was a couple years ago. You've had some. You've had some big things happen in your. In your life.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yep.

[Theo Von]

Where you have been forced into marriage by a semi illegal alien. And we're going to talk about that. Yes, we're going to talk about that. But first I want to talk a little bit more about race and race baiting.

[Chris D'Elia]

Okay.

[Theo Von]

Cross racial behaviors. Right here. This is a clip that of a white male. Let's see that Drew Ski put together.

[Chris D'Elia]

Okay. Here's the love. Here's the honor. If you can't come in her, come over.

[Theo Von]

I think this is a Jason Kelsey impersonation also. Look at this.

[Chris D'Elia]

You need to listen to your Nana Cedar Point. Hey, you lost. B. No going to the race.

[Theo Von]

What race?

[Chris D'Elia]

NASCAR race. You going to nascar.

[Theo Von]

What is this?

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude sure about that?

[Theo Von]

Do you think that kind of racism happens that much? Really? Or this is more like in movies. Type shit.

[Chris D'Elia]

I mean, look, dude, I live in New York, so I don't know what it's like in the south, but I know racism exists. I also know that it's kept alive by the media and the Internet and all that stuff, because there's so many people that make so much profit off it that you're like, but, I mean, I think that's fine. I mean, Drewski doing that is just, like, a good bit. But I should be able to then fully dress black.

[Theo Von]

Well, that's where I'm going, right? Because at this point, it's like, yeah, this is hilarious, right? Like, I thought the part with the black dude was great.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, it's. So.

[Theo Von]

It's tough to watch because you're like, is he now perpetuating this thing that. I don't think that shit happens, dude. Like, you know what I'm saying? I grew up in areas with a lot of racism. You know, I've dabbled in it, sure. But I. I don't see that. I mean, I think you see that shit like, in A Time to Kill an old movie or, like, you know, like, in the heat of the night, you know? And that's just my perception. Perception. But I don't even know if a lot of my black friends would say that they see that kind of shit. Maybe they do, though. Maybe I'm completely blind.

[Chris D'Elia]

Maybe.

[Theo Von]

But I think at this point, it's like, you could do that. Somebody could do a black face if they wanted to.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Theo Von]

To create humor in it. Do you think so?

[Chris D'Elia]

I mean, I guess you can. You can try. I think you could try whatever you want. You could try. I think you do it up. You try whatever you want. I don't have. Me personally, I wouldn't do it. Not because of. Just because I don't have the comedy behind.

[Theo Von]

You Wouldn't look good as a. As a. As a African American.

[Chris D'Elia]

Exactly, dude. And I. Because I got a lot of skin tags. So even if I went, like, black face or black full body, because I. I would most likely just go black chest.

[Theo Von]

Oh. I go black arms and legs. And I get out on the court, and I'd ball, right?

[Chris D'Elia]

And I would keep the face white, but I got a lot of skin tags and moles and stuff, so it wouldn't look right. But I think every. In the name of comedy, I say, give it a try.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's why with Drew Ski. I mean, that was funny to me. Give it a try. Any white person that's offended by that is just, you know, they're Kind of Guantanamo Bay, in a way.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

You know, in a way, dude, everybody's kind of just a little bit sensitive. And you really start to feel better about your life. I think ultimately when you come. Well, again, I won't want to. I don't generalize anything anymore. Me specifically, I started to feel so much better and happier when I just got off social media because I was like, oh, the regular. All the racism and drama. It's all happening in the comments of people that you don't know. Any. Anybody. I've made a decision in my life. If I don't know you personally, you don't affect me at all, positive or negative. You could tell me how great I am. Doesn't matter. You could tell me how much I suck. Doesn't matter. You could call me any name in the book. Don't care. Unless I personally knew you. If you. Theo Vaughn was like, hey, Chris, this.

[Theo Von]

You're a. Or whatever.

[Chris D'Elia]

Exactly. Well, dude, I mean, that's. That's how we talk, man. I would just. I would just look at my last text from you.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Facts, facts. But no, I just think I like. I love this in the name of comedy. I think it's the kind of comedy that's fun and that you need.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And I think, like, if somebody were doing something messed up and that is racist, I think you can feel that.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. Undeniably to me, you can't be racist and funny. It's one or the other. Like, you can't. You can't be hateful. You can't be. You can't be racist and hateful. Like, you're like, you know, like Hitler. Hitler wasn't funny. You know what I mean? He was racist, but he wasn't funny. Well, who might have been a little funny, but, you know, the racist stuff he was doing wasn't funny. But he could have been funny outside his racism. That I don't know.

[Theo Von]

Did he have a sense of humor? Will you bring that up? If Hitler had a sense of humor.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, I think he did.

[Theo Von]

Nature of Hitler's humor. Hitler's humor was often sarcastic or offensive, sometimes involved pranks directed at his associates. Examples include telling politically charged or racially derogatory jokes at public events and meetings and making light of aggressive or threatening situations. His jokes tended to reinforce Nazi ideology.

[Chris D'Elia]

Okay.

[Theo Von]

Or humiliate perceived enemies.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, there's memes online of him and Goring, who was the head of the Luftwaffe for the Air Force. Them just laughing a lot of times in the group chat that GIF will Get sent around with Hitler and Goof and Luff and Goring just laughing.

[Theo Von]

Well, they're probably off work for a little while.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, I mean, you can't. You're not on all the time.

[Theo Von]

A specific example of Hitler's humor is the elaborate prank he played on his foreign press chief, Ernest Hungstangle.

[Chris D'Elia]

Humstangle.

[Theo Von]

Humstangle. Hitzer convinced Hamstangle that he would have to parachute behind enemy lines during the Spanish Civil War as part of a dangerous mission. Humpstangle, terrified and confused, spent hours circling the German countryside by plane before the pilot revealed the truth and landed safely. Another account concerns Hitler's cold willingness to use jokes to humiliate or intimidate others. For example, Hitler reportedly joked with Ermin Goring.

[Chris D'Elia]

Goring, that's the head guy.

[Theo Von]

That to make the people of Berlin happy, he should jump off the radio tower. A joke that became widely told and led to harsh punishment for those who repeated it publicly.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's the thing. I don't know if you've ever done comedy in Germany, but they tell you, you go to do comedy in Germany, you cannot make fun of Nazis. You can't. You can't do any of that, really. Like, you can't make any jokes about it at all.

[Theo Von]

They just don't want to hear about it.

[Chris D'Elia]

They said you could get deported for that. I was like, you mean make fun of it? Like. Like. You mean, like, don't condone it or, like, don't make fun of the Nazis? Because that's what you guys, like, fuck with. Like, you guys are proud of that. And he was like, it's up to you.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

It is up to you.

[Theo Von]

It's. Yeah. Which sounds a little bit risque right there.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right? Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Nazi humor is heavily restricted and can be considered illeg for comedians in Germany, especially if it involves Nazi propaganda symbols or Holocaust denial.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Theo Von]

Due to strict laws prohibiting such content.

[Chris D'Elia]

Huh? Yeah. Yeah, dude.

[Theo Von]

Oh. You know who was about to go to Germany? Who was? Jim Jeffries is about to go there.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And why. Why did he go?

[Theo Von]

I think he said he. That he has issues with audiences there. Like, he's selling everywhere in Europe, except for some reason, not in Germany.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, it seems like they don't have the best sense of humor. Right? It seems like. Because they went through a lot, and I feel like. But I. When I did my shows there, I did a show in Munich, and they were having fun, man. Yeah, they were having fun. You just, you, you know, like, you know, you stay away from the Nazi stuff. You don't make fun of them. And if anything all fails. Juden. Juden, which is Jew. Do a bit about that.

[Theo Von]

Really?

[Chris D'Elia]

It's all good. You know what's interesting?

[Theo Von]

What do you say? Juden.

[Chris D'Elia]

Juden. I. Yeah, I was, I was calling myself Judah and Foster, like Judy Foster. I was like Judah and Foster. And they were laughing at that.

[Theo Von]

Like, God, she's not aged well.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, yeah.

[Theo Von]

She's on hormones.

[Chris D'Elia]

I do kind of look like a lesbian a little bit, right?

[Theo Von]

You look like the lambs have been screaming right in your face.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, I know some people will tell me that.

[Theo Von]

Oh, I was thinking Jody Foster.

[Chris D'Elia]

Jody. That's what I said. Judy Foster. Oh, yeah. But I. Yeah, Nell from Nell. Remember Nell when she was just like born in the wood?

[Theo Von]

Carter.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, no, Nell. Nell. There was a movie Nell where wolves and she just has a full bush.

[Theo Von]

Oh, I don't like that kind of shit.

[Chris D'Elia]

You don't like pubic hair, huh? When you had to manipulate all those vaginas. Before you had this comedy career though, you had to run into some bush. We used to talk about that a lot.

[Theo Von]

I'm not against it. I believe in like if I were a time traveler or something. Yeah, right. I'd get used to it, you know, because it's only recently. How long did women have bushes for? It. It's hundreds of thousands of years.

[Chris D'Elia]

The whole thing about women not having bushes just started recently.

[Theo Von]

That's the thing. And that. Who knows what the effective that is on children.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Also circumcisions too. Like you can cut the foreskin straight off your son's piece. And that's kind of a new thing. You don't know what that's going to do to him.

[Theo Von]

Oh, they're. They're mailing some of those over to those tech lords in Israel. I think they're ch. Those are gummy bears for those guys. Cuz they. You can be pedophile there and they don't they in Israel. Yeah, sweet. I think you can go there.

[Chris D'Elia]

I was supposed to go to Chicago tonight. Maybe I'll go to Tel Aviv. Baby. Don't go.

[Theo Von]

Two kids, dude. You don't want anybody getting the wrong idea. Oh, and you're jacked. You're like, oh, this guy's beating, eaten. Three challenges.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, you think so? I had a blueberry muffin today too. I put protein in everything.

[Theo Von]

Let me see what this says. Women do not stop having pubic hair. Trends in grooming and styling of pubic hair have changed throughout history. With the 1980s and 1990s bringing a boom in grooming that included styles for being bare. But 2010s and 2020s saw a resurgence of the natural bush style. Yeah, it's definitely interesting that, that, that, that, that kind of took on. Who was the first woman to have bare pubic hair?

[Chris D'Elia]

Like, who fully shaved it?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I mean, that's like the first person that had a convertible open. You're like, whoa.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. The first person to think to shave that.

[Theo Von]

It is impossible to definitively name the first woman to have fully shaven pubic hair publicly, as it was historical practice long before the advent of modern media and documentation. Okay, so it's been around for a long time, right? In ancient Egypt, Roman, Greece, for hygiene, status and beauty, upper class Roman and Egyptian women, for instance, use tools like pumice stones, razors, tweezers, and sugaring to achieve hairlessness. Wow. So if you had like a bunch of hair or you had like a 50 pound test rope coming out of there.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Dude, would you ever shave your head with a pumice stone? Four. That would look. Dude, do you think he'll shave your head one day?

[Theo Von]

When I have children and once my.

[Chris D'Elia]

Wife leaves me, that's when you'll do it?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, because then I'll go to court for alimony and like, oh, he's not doing good. We got to let him keep a little bit of money now.

[Chris D'Elia]

Is that full? Is that your. All your real hair? Oh, yeah, dude, that's. It's crazy. Dude, you got great hair.

[Theo Von]

I've been shedding recently. This past, like, month. Dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

Really?

[Theo Von]

A lot of times people will shed in, like, August and September, so you.

[Chris D'Elia]

Didn'T get that in Turkey. That's your natural hair now.

[Theo Von]

I've had hair taken out of the back and put into the front once.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, good.

[Theo Von]

How did that feel faced in? I don't think I needed it. I think I actually was going through a ton of stress and I lost hair, and then it, like, a lot of it grew bad.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. And I like that the way it looks with a hat is pretty good too. You look good. There's somebody. Somebody out there right now. A woman right there out has bush, has grown out her bush and cut it like that. Hundred percent. I guarantee there's a lady out there with pin straight pubic hair. She's probably most likely Asian. They have the straightest hair, and she's made it into that because she's a fan. Mm.

[Theo Von]

You know, that'd be nice. Sometimes people come to shows and they'll have, like, fun wigs on and stuff. Yeah, yeah, but if you had a woman that had that just solid hair, I mean, that thing braided, and it just like, it looked like a damn. The chin of a professional wrestler, you know, in the 80s or 90s.

[Chris D'Elia]

And looking at you, I don't know if anyone's. And stop me if anyone's ever said this before, but you have the kind of look. You have a very unique look where you look like you're from the past, but also from the future at the same time. Has anyone ever said that to you? Or have you ever thought about that? You look. Think about it. Think about it. People watch and take a look at Theo. He looks like. You know, obviously, like, could be in the civil war. Like a civil war painting from the past, but then he also looks like a woman from the future.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I look like a black woman from the future, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yo, it looks great. And I'm happy that I'm seeing it now. Dude.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, bro, this bus is late.

[Chris D'Elia]

Hell yeah, dude.

[Theo Von]

Where's my chick?

[Chris D'Elia]

It's crazy, man. I'm happy we're doing this.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude, we used to have. I remember there would be like, this drunk black woman where our school bus would go by. She would come up and bang on the driver's side, which is not even a door. It's just a window, right. For the driver of the bus. And she'd be like, where's my check? Like. Like, that lady was like, the bus driver was supposed to bring, like, her government money or whatever.

[Chris D'Elia]

So dumb.

[Theo Von]

The is going, yeah, well, how.

[Chris D'Elia]

I don't have your check, lady.

[Theo Von]

She yell at us kids. We'd be out looking at the window because you'd be curious. You're like, tell them I need that money.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right? And what, are you supposed to have money in your pencil case?

[Theo Von]

We don't have any money.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, dude, we're kids, man.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yo, you want a bologna sandwich but no crust?

[Theo Von]

You think any of us have money? We all got picked up within the same three blocks on this bus. Yeah, Bitcoin hit an all time high of $124,000 in August, which is pretty wild considering that last year at this time, it was about $60,000. When I need more bitcoin or ethereum, those are the ones I like to trade. Moonpay is always the first app I open because it doesn't force you to buy a whole coin. And it's super easy to use. You can own a piece of any token with as little as 20 bucks. And you can use Apple Pay Google, Pay Venmo, PayPal, Revolut, debit and credit cards. It just takes a few seconds. And because Moonpay has been around for six years and is used by millions of people, they power the entire world of crypto and every crypto app. Now here's where it gets really interesting. Moonpay's partner, Moonshot, is the place to trade new meme coins. So whether you're just starting out in crypto or you've been a degen trader, Moonshot is the best place to make your next move. Now, with Moonpay, you'll have the best moonshot experience buying whatever meme coin you want all in one smooth flow. Remember, while Moonpay makes buying crypto straightforward, it's essential to do your own research and understand the risks involved. Crypto trading can be volatile and you could lose your investment. Moonpay is a tool to facilitate your transactions, not a source of financial advice. So trade responsibly. This fall, Sonic is bringing football fans the burger they deserve with the Sonic Smasher. And now when you buy one smasher in the Sonic app, you get another one free. Get a Sonic Smasher with two hand smashed Angus beef patties, always made to order, served hot off the grill, and then boom, another one free. It's the deal fans deserve for the burger fans deserve. Speaking of, did you know they call the Sonic Smasher the QB one of burgers? It doesn't ride the bench. It never fumbles the flavor Smashers out there throwing 60 yards, dimes, slicing defenses with its speed, putting up the most delicious passer rating of all time. And speaking of athletes, I saw that Sonic brought in Terry Crews to teach some SEC players how to actually act in burger commercials. Legendary move. Just like the buy one, get one free deal on Sonic Smashers offer, valid once a week in the app through 9:28. Gotta hurry. Offer ends. 9:28.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, damn.

[Theo Von]

Dude, what's going on, dude? You have a show coming up at Madison Square Garden.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, well, the theater at Madison Square Garden was supposed to be the arena, but then the ticket sales dictated to go to the basement, baby.

[Theo Von]

That's all right.

[Chris D'Elia]

No, you know what happened? I bit off more than I could chew about six months ago. I said, they came to me, they're like, oh, show on on September 11th. Ooh, yeah, that's lit. That's lit. So they said, you know, want to make it a day? So I said I had done 2023. I did Radio City and theater at MSG back to back night. So they were like, let's try the arena, you know, because I'm from New York.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And then the ticket sales, they were just not moving. And, like, everybody, like, I had an opportunity. I had a decision. They were like, look, you could either wait. We see a huge increase in ticket sales a week before. Ish. That's the way the trends are now for certain people. Or they were like, you could just pull the plug right now, and we can move it downstairs to the theater. And I just said, you know what, man? I'm gonna. I know me. I know my brain. I know my heart. I'm gonna carry a lot of stress for six, seven months. And I said, me doing the arena is definitely a goal and a dream and we'll try again. But a lot of it was just ego. So I was like, move it to the theater. And now the theater is all but sold out. And I haven't stressed about it in six months.

[Theo Von]

It's gonna be amazing.

[Chris D'Elia]

Family's gonna come. And then, you know, I'm gonna detonate a suicide vest at the end of it. Oh, take everybody down.

[Theo Von]

You needed some sort of fireworks at the end.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Also, inviting people into the city on 911 is a wild move.

[Chris D'Elia]

It was a wild move. Yeah. I made a ton of mistakes, but I had a manager back then who had a ponytail, so we were making wild moves back then. So we're not together anymore. He's still my boy. But I was like, yo, dude. Because he told me he booked me for this, the arena on 9 11. And then he told me to hold 5pm the same day open, because he thought I could do 15,000 seats at a stadium in Forest Hills, Queens. So he thought I could sell 30,000 tickets, and I sold, like, 2,000. But he said it. But when he was saying it to me, it was crazy because he was like, you know, obviously on coke, and he had the ponytail and the glasses on, and he was wearing bathing suit shorts and like a. Like a button up top. And it was December, and he was.

[Theo Von]

Eating a fruit cup.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. And he was eating a fruit cup, and he was like, I get you could do it, baby. He was like, I know you could do it. I know you could do it. So you get pumped up. And then he put me on this arena tour, and then we had to cancel them all. Yeah. Yeah. So I like him. I respect him for really, you know, swinging you. We have the same agent, but my agent was, like, telling me from the beginning, was like, this is a dumb idea. And I said, dude, look at him. He Knows what he's talking about. Look at his ponytails. Sleek. He uses Herbal Essence. My agent was like, all right, dude.

[Theo Von]

The guy has two barrettes.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, come on, dude. I was like, look at him.

[Theo Von]

He wears a child's headband.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, dude, this guy is legit. I said, I might fire you and hire him. And then after a week of the ticket sales, you know, agent was like, pull it it. Yeah. And then he was like, fire the master. Yeah. So. So we're still cool. That guy and I are still. I hope he's still alive, but amazing. But I'm at the theater there and then. And. But you know what, man? It's one of those things. And my little daughter taught my well. My older daughter, my 10 year old, because I was a little bummed about this, because I was a big moment in time for me. I was like, oh, daddy's gonna get to do the arena. I almost wanted to do the arena at MSG because it would almost set me free, because that was my only real goal I've ever had to do comedy. A lot of guys, you know, girls, they be. They do comedy for all their different reasons. My only reasons I ever left my physical therapy job was to do the arena at MSG and to have a sitcom about my father. Those are the only things I've ever cared about. So I almost felt like if I could get that one, it would almost set me free because this everyday stress of this. Of this career, sometimes, you know, it.

[Theo Von]

Plays with you because you had the sitcom, right?

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, I had a sitcom pilot, so. But I'm hoping I still. I have one in development now, so I'm hoping that I could get that one and just fulfill at least one of the two and then set the sights on the arena. Because I don't. I don't know that I'm a guy that does stand up forever. I'm not. I'm already mentally being like. It's very difficult for me to go on the road and be away from the family. Yeah, when I started this, I didn't have a family. But now that I do, I'm like, man, this weighing. So I'm looking for real opportunities to just stay in New York. You know, that's where I live. So my kids are and my wife and kids. So, so, but. So. But my daughter, what she told me was, I guess she had just learned it in school. I was like, upset when we had to pull the arena because it was like this whole big, exciting thing for me was upset. Well, my daughter was well yeah, because, I mean, you know, she's got upset because she has to tell her friends in school, like, my dad's a loser. Right. So she had to say that. So she told him that. But then she was like. But she said. She said to me, when I was upset about it, she was like, oh, it's all right, Daddy. She was like, remember, in. In this life, there's no losses, just learning. And I was like, nice. That's it.

[Theo Von]

Wow. She said that she's.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, I say my daughter. It was actually Giannis Pappas, who I do the History Hyenas podcast with, but he looks like my daughter.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Because my daughter looks like Marisa.

[Theo Von]

Oh.

[Chris D'Elia]

That was our first words. She went. Yeah, yeah. So me and Giannis, we got the history hyenas pod. And. And so it's back. It's back, bro. We came back about a year ago, him and I. Him and I, you know, we. We kissed and made up. Well, we 69 each other. And then. And then. And, dude, this has been some of the most fun I've had doing comedy again, because it's. It's, you know, you're talking with your. With your friend about history. What I love.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

In New York City, which I love, and it's a place for me to stay in New York, and we really just have a lot of fun doing the history of hyenas.

[Theo Von]

It's so smart.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, that. Well, that I learned. That's the thing. I like sitting next to someone where I'm actually learning and laughing.

[Theo Von]

So that's it.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's it. I mean, really, the premise of the show is, you know, we talk about a history topic, but he typically knows much more than I do, and I'm kind of learning through him and Pepper and jokes and all that stuff, but it's. It's great.

[Theo Von]

And, yeah, just getting to see you guys back together is great. Also, just being like. I mean, I think you definitely realize as you get older, it's like, you know, having some connectivity. Being around your friends is, like, one of the best things. Things. And this is out every week.

[Chris D'Elia]

Every single week. We come out every Thursday. Awesome. And my message is, is if. If me and Giannis could patch it up. Israel, Palestine, so can y'. All.

[Theo Von]

I saw the tagline, actually, for History Hyenas. Now. It says two Chat GPT sluts.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Because it used to be two Wikipedia sluts.

[Theo Von]

But that comes see history in a different way.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, that. Come see history in a different way. Two Chachi BT slots. That Come see history in a different way. Yeah, dude. And on our, on our Patreon. I don't know if you guys do Patreon here, but on our Patreon, dude, like, we've. We've just been. Him and I have been going crazy because basically, you know, when we first did this show, the rules on YouTube were different. Right? Like in 2017, 18, 19, YouTube wasn't as strict as it is now. So we almost are kind of feeling like the show that we used to do for free on YouTube is. Can only exist on the Patreon. And the show we do on YouTube is definitely dope. But we are like, man, dude, we came out and we put out these episodes that we thought were good and YouTube just kept dinging us.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

So we're like, yo, now we got. We can only have fun on the Patreon. But you know, for me, man, it's. I'm solely focused. Like, I have. I never had goals in this and I never. I was always flying by the seat of my pants, really, for my whole life. But now I'm like, so laser focused on anything I can do to stay in New York City and make as many of pickup and drop offs with my kids as possible. That's what I'm looking for. So, like, the idea, even if you, you know, somebody came to me and said, I'll give you X amount that'll change your life financially, but it's a world tour. I would say, no. Yeah, I would say I can't do it. Time has literally become more valuable than money to me right now because of my. Because I think my kids reach that age where I'm like, oh, when they're little, it's one thing, but when they're older and you're missing everything, you're like, oh, okay, hold on, hold on. What's the priorities here?

[Theo Von]

And you like, the kids. Like, I think if the kids hit 4, 6 years old, and you're like, yeah, I got a buddy, his son, right? And bless him, bless him. Benjamin. That's my buddy's name. And his son. He named his son fucking Benjamin. I'm like, you fucking loser. He didn't even think about it.

[Chris D'Elia]

What a dick.

[Theo Von]

He didn't even think about it. The wife was unconscious or whatever because the birth was. Yeah, it's a black guy. And he's like, yeah, it was a hot birth. And he's like, just give him Benjamin, you know? And he goes, and I'll change my name. And the nurse like, no, you don't. That's not how you do it. Like he thought you could do it. Like if he names a kid Benjamin, then he's not Benjamin anymore. I'm like, this fucking guy should not have a kid. Right? But yeah, he's at the point now, he's like, dude, me and my kid have nothing in common. I'm like, dude, it's not how, it's not like you got put with a roommate like your first year at like Nicholls State or something. I mean, you're just doing your best, you know. Yeah, you have to be the leader in the relationship.

[Chris D'Elia]

But.

[Theo Von]

Yes, but yeah, I think if you get to a certain point and your kid is just like, you know, he's not doing at least pulling a little bit of weight, it's got to be kind of tough.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, that's the thing. Well, like I said, my daughters are, you know, they're motivated. As I said in the beginning of the show. I mean, my 4 year old has got, you know, a point of view she calls legitimate, says I'm racist against Latinos. And I call ICE on my own family. For me it's country first and I trust. I loved. I mean every password on my phone, on my key lock, any you want to break it to my house or break it to anything I own. You want my bin, my bank PIN password, you know what, the only four digits that it would ever be, you know what they are? 0000 1776, baby. The year of this country. And my daughter, my little one takes that. And then my older one, you know, like I said, she's more Latina. Extortion, extortion, gang violence, things like that. And they are, and they've picked lanes, which I really respect and love.

[Theo Von]

I like that look.

[Chris D'Elia]

And then, and then. But there is a little division because obviously the older one is, is pro Palestine and the little one's pro Israel.

[Theo Von]

I like that shit.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Well, I think here's one thing, dude, is a lot of like Latinos too. I saw. I actually, actually one of your daughters sent me a picture and the I. The pro ice one.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

She's had a tattoo on her back. It said this ice don't melt on it.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. Yo, for real. Holy crazy, right? I know, dude. She literally, all she wants for Christmas is she asked me, when I told her I was doing your pod, she was like, oh, cool. She went, bet, bet, bet. That's what she mostly says, Bet, bet, bet. She said, bet, bet, bet. And then I said, and then, and then she gave me like a little piece of Paper. And she was only. Sometimes she can only communicate, really, with her mom for some reason. Like, I don't understand her words. And she said that when my wife translated, she said, oh, she wants a Charlie Kirk signed cd.

[Theo Von]

Oh, okay.

[Chris D'Elia]

So I guess because she's. They're American, you know, I don't know how. If you know Charlie Kirk or whatever.

[Theo Von]

Never met him. I've certainly seen videos of him. I think he's a. I am impressed with anybody who can think and speak at the same time.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And that's one thing that's, to me, has become one of the most impressive things. Guys like him, Ben Shapiro, Jordan Peterson.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Joe Rogan. Who can confidently speak at a valid speed.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Theo Von]

And communicate effectively. Dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's what it is.

[Theo Von]

I am like a. The second I open my mouth, I am just somebody who's drunk driving my throat.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

But, like, it's very risky.

[Chris D'Elia]

But you know what, dude? But you of that, bro. You know what's crazy? We've been doing this for, like, roughly an hour, and you've said risque three times and three different contexts, which I respect and like about you. And I've always liked that about you.

[Theo Von]

Well, first of all, risque also was a urban girl that I went to high school with, and I hope she's doing well. Risque Wilson.

[Chris D'Elia]

There was two kids that I went to high school with. Their names. They were brothers. Their name was. Were Majestic and scientific. Map.

[Theo Von]

Nuh.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Well, I didn't go to school with them, but they play basketball in a school around the time I was playing basketball. And those are two interesting brothers names.

[Theo Von]

I love that.

[Chris D'Elia]

You like that?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I just love that. I think in black culture, anything could be your name.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's true.

[Theo Von]

Like, we get, like, one out of about 110 names.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

But in black culture, it could be. It's.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude, the guy in the jets was named to Brickshaw. Yeah, the Brickshaw. Ferguson. His first name was the Brickshaw.

[Theo Von]

I met a girl. Her. Her son was named. No. Dante. Right. She's like. I was gonna name him Dante, but I knew he was gonna be misbehaving, so I wanted to put no in front of me. Yo, like, that's freaking genius, man. Let's talk a little bit about what's going on in New York. I know right now you guys have Mom Donnie. Do you think he'll be able to. He's running for mayor. Right.

[Chris D'Elia]

He's probably gonna win, too, for mayor.

[Theo Von]

He is.

[Chris D'Elia]

But that's why I've packed up and left New York City.

[Theo Von]

City? Really?

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, I live in the suburbs.

[Theo Von]

Okay, so you've already left.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

What's that heat up there? Like what's, like what's going on? Do you notice any of it in the air or not?

[Chris D'Elia]

I think, Mom, Donnie, you notice that people are starting the New York Post, which is the only one I mess with. The New York Post really goes after him hard.

[Theo Von]

Oh, they do.

[Chris D'Elia]

So there's a little bit of fear mongering, I think amongst the media. I do think that he probably has good intentions, but I think like most of us think is that, you know, New York City is a city that you need millionaires and billionaires. And if you drive them all out with the tax, with the tax hikes, then you're just gonna lose the city. So I think that's the fear. I think I understand what he wants with. You know, people should pay their. Everybody should pay more fair taxes. I'm all with that. But you know, he has an idea of like raising the millionaires tax. Millionaires, billionaires like to like a level that they're. Just. Because I know people. It's easy for people to say, oh, but they have so much money. It's like. Yeah, but that's their mindset. How they got so much money. They never thought like that. So you're not going to change some like 55 year old white dude's mindset. Like he's about that money. So if you want him to stay and keep contributing to the tax burden, you got to make it appetizing for him. Or he's just going to go to Florida or Tennessee or somewhere else or she or they.

[Theo Von]

Well, let me establish him a little bit. So Zoran, he is. What ethnicity is he?

[Chris D'Elia]

Pakistani, I think. Is he or Indian. Zoran, you don't want to mess that up because Pakistan and India are.

[Theo Von]

We don't want to mess with the Zo run.

[Chris D'Elia]

You don't know. No way.

[Theo Von]

Oh yeah. There's mom, Donnie. He was born in Kampala, Uganda. Yeah. To an Indian family. Okay. Zoran Mamdani, the Democratic nominee for New York City mayor and current assembly member, centers his politics on affordability. Social Security nets freeze rents on rent stabilized units and triple affordable housing construction. Aiming for 200,000 new units in 10 years. Increased enforcement against exploitive landlords. And establish an office of deed theft prevention for homeowners, especially in black and Latinx neighborhoods. Alphabet City double funding for public housing preservation.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yep.

[Theo Von]

Distribute baby baskets with essential goods and resources to all New York City parents. Increase New York City Minimum wage to increased New York City minimum wage to $30 an hour by 2030. So he definitely kind of has this, like. For the little man.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, that's what he's thinking about for the little man, which I respect, but I just don't know if New York City is the city for it. I just. I don't know. I honestly don't. The thing is, I really don't know. All this stuff is above my head.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I've just. I've just left the city.

[Theo Von]

All right, so you're out.

[Chris D'Elia]

My. Well, yeah. Well, because.

[Theo Von]

Do you think the city changed over time?

[Chris D'Elia]

My girl wanted to leave, and she's Latina. You know, that's the thing is, like, people think, think. I think people think, like, oh, you know, the media has made everyone think, like, that white people are just the worst, and we're the only ones who, you know, don't want this or that. But it's like, yo, the Latinas, bro, if you've ever put, like, a Google Translate at a Puerto Rican barbecue, whoa.

[Theo Von]

You know, they're unhappy.

[Chris D'Elia]

I mean, bro, you think you'd be like, okay, Senor Hitler. Oh, like, you know what I mean? Like, they. They go in against Israel, everybody.

[Theo Von]

Oh, they. Oh, they.

[Chris D'Elia]

So everybody catches it. Oh, the Latinos.

[Theo Von]

Oh, the Latinos have a lot of. They have some racism a little bit.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

That's good to know, because you kind of don't know if they do sometimes, but, you know, there's like, black and Latino gang violence.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

But you don't hear much about it otherwise, you know, black guy, old school.

[Chris D'Elia]

Black guys, very racist. Yeah, everybody's kind of racist, man. Yeah, you could. You could, you know.

[Theo Von]

Well, people are tribal, too. It's like.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's what it is, tribalism.

[Theo Von]

Everybody wants to make it all race. It's like, like, you know, there's like, there's like, a lot of black crime in places. Like, I'm not racist because I don't want to be in some of those places. Like, I had a friend one time who was trying to get me to come to, like, this clothing shop that they had, and there's a lot of crime there, and it's young black kids attacking people.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Stealing, carjacking. I'm not. I'm not going. Or it's like, no, I'm not risk. It's like, that doesn't make me racist. I just want to preserve my own life.

[Chris D'Elia]

I'm just trying to live, baby. But. But I think. I think more and More now from, again, the little sense just talking to people not on the Internet, just like in real life of every race. More people getting sick of it. More people like, yo, let's move past it now. Not everything's gotta be racist, sexist. I think the me, too. Not the me. The pandemic. I think it, like, kind of. It hit its fever pitch, and now it kind of, like, broke. And it's just like, people like, I'm exhausted by that. Don't talk to me about that.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I agree. I think people see that it's also like this thing that they try to get, like, different political groups to fight over. It's all a smear. All like, hey, fight over this shit while everything else disappears. Like, you know what I'm saying?

[Chris D'Elia]

So people are getting. Starting to get to know about it now.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. But I think it's interesting to have guys that are different, like, get it. I'm always the underdog fan, right?

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Theo Von]

I'm always the underdog fan.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Well, he's not the underdog, though. I don't. I think it's pretty clear he's going to win. I mean, you got Governor Cuomo who's.

[Theo Von]

Running against him, Right.

[Chris D'Elia]

Running against people in the nursing home. So he's trying. He keeps trying to get mom Donnie into a nursing home home so he can Merk him. Got Curtis Sila, who's got the beret, which I would vote for him. I. I understand, but I can't. He won't take his hat off.

[Theo Von]

Let me see. Bring up Silwan.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, Silwa. So that's the problem, is Silwa won't take the hat off. So I can't have you as my mayor with that hat on. You know what I mean? Like, I just. If he took the hat off, I think he'd get more votes, but he refused. He wears the full suit with that hat on.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

He's kind of like the Muffin Man.

[Theo Von]

Let's get a look. Let's get a little bit more of him. Can we get some audio on him?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Lyft and Uber, and they are constantly.

[Theo Von]

Being threatened with perverts who come up.

[Chris D'Elia]

To them, sexually harass them. Men, for the most part, don't have that issue, Pat. I'm in all 350 neighborhoods, all 472 of the platforms in the vast city subway system. I'm on the only candidate in this subway every day.

[Theo Von]

What are you talking about? He acts like. What do you. What is he the fucking he? Is he the Lord of doordash drivers. There's no way he's in all those. Those places.

[Chris D'Elia]

Could you imagine?

[Theo Von]

He looks like. He looks like Isadore Dash, dude. He looks like the great chancellor of door Dashan, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

He. And he's just yelling about perverts and hoovers, dude.

[Theo Von]

They should have a show called Keeping up with the door Dashians.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Crazy.

[Theo Von]

Dude, we should make.

[Chris D'Elia]

Should we pitch that?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I think we're pitching.

[Chris D'Elia]

Let's just do it.

[Theo Von]

Let's just do it.

[Chris D'Elia]

Keeping up with the Door dash ians.

[Theo Von]

And it's just a family that door dashes, and they're just pissed about it. They're like, oh, I'm taking these rich motherfuckers on the Upper east side. It's fucking like, oh, I just delivered Ben Stiller some tater tots. You know, they're just fucking pissed. Everybody, they're like, oh, Dershowitz wants his waffle fries shaped into a kid's pelvis. You know, you're like, that seems a little risque, yo.

[Chris D'Elia]

This is the fourth time risque.

[Theo Von]

Oh, it does, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

I love it, man. Keep it going.

[Theo Von]

Thank you.

[Chris D'Elia]

Let's get a counter up there. Keeping up with the doordashians is a hit show, bro. Wow. See, that's what I'm saying, dude. You think your mind is not there. You keep saying your mind need these little mental resets, and that's how you're able to get such good bits. And you're taking little breaks, which is what more people should do. You take little breaks. That's what I was saying. This old. That old dude that I was telling you about about the muffin who told me he doesn't stress about the muffin. He told me he's 98 years old because he takes little breaks. He was like, oh, when you put your kid in the car seat, put in the car seat instead of just going right back to the driver's seat.

[Theo Von]

If. Close the door, yell some slurs, right? Breathe deep, put.

[Chris D'Elia]

Drive the car into a garage, shut the door, keep the engine running, and then you leave. No, he said, take a long walk around the car, Take five seconds to breathe and reset. You got your baby safe in the car seat. And then don't just jump right in the driver's seat and start driving. Take five seconds the long way. Find little breaks throughout the day. And that's what you do. You take little breaks. I like it.

[Theo Von]

It like, reset, cism. Instead of racism, reset.

[Chris D'Elia]

Resetism, or like, recidivism, but it's resetticism.

[Theo Von]

I like it.

[Chris D'Elia]

You know what I'm saying, dude?

[Theo Von]

Thanks, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

Get a little reset.

[Theo Von]

Reset?

[Chris D'Elia]

I haven't seen you in, like, two years.

[Theo Von]

I know, man. It's crazy, dude. I can't believe that. That it's been that long. You know, I think time just gets, like, kind of going, and then things get kind of hectic. I know.

[Chris D'Elia]

You home or you're on the road? Are you staying? Is your goal to stay home, like. My goal is to stay home.

[Theo Von]

It is now. You know, I've been on the same tour for almost four years.

[Chris D'Elia]

So you're off it now.

[Theo Von]

Now I have. We're doing a taping, a special in to New York. Beacon.

[Chris D'Elia]

Beacon. Best theater. You're doing it for Netflix, Al Jazeera, Hulu, Netflix. Nice.

[Theo Von]

I would do for Al Jazeera. They didn't make an offer, but, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I'm going to Saudi Arabia. I could hit him up.

[Theo Von]

You're going to that comedy festival?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Should I have not?

[Theo Von]

Oh, hold on. No, no, that's great. Let's get into that in a second. But no. Yeah, so we got that coming up. And then, I don't know, I'm. Part of me wants to maybe do a show, like, in Hawaii, just so I can also go on vacation.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Theo Von]

But then part of me is like. I just don't know, like. Like, I started, like. Yeah. Like, lose. I just, like, recently, like, I. I just, like. I think my nervous system's just shot, you know?

[Chris D'Elia]

But do you like being home? Like, here? Like, do you like being in? Or do you, like.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Travel still?

[Theo Von]

No, I do like it. I like being home, and I want to be able to do more creative stuff. Like, you know, I'm trying to see if Drew Ski wants to do a. Do. Try to do something together.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Theo Von]

Me and Spade made a movie that we're gonna put out. We're editing right now. So there's a bunch of little things that I'm trying to do, you know?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, dude, you and Drew Ski would just do it like, he. Drew Ski just be that character. You guys could just be brothers. You could do Keeping up with the doordashians as a. As a movie.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And you two are the doordashians.

[Theo Von]

I think you want to find a family that likes the doordash, and it's a family affair.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Theo Von]

And it's Keeping up with the Doordashians, or it's just like these funny, like, you know, and the baby's in the backseat and he's eating a couple of the. Tots or something.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, dude. One of the guys who works with me is actually, I'm doing Chicago tomorrow and he's going to work with me on the show. He does doordash in his spare time and there's been multiple times where he's done doordash orders while I'm on stage. He does his time and then he knows he's got about an hour while I'm up there and he does some doordash. The kids hustling. He's told me too, what the trick is too, like they all eat for free, the doordash drivers. Because like, you know, when they get hungry, they'll just eat somebody's McDonald's or KFC order and then just kind of never deliver it and then let them take it up with doordash. And doordash will usually just refund their money and then reorder it. But they got. They ate the food because it's not up to that. Like he said, there's no system. It's not like they know, oh, this guy, this driver took. They just line up the door dash deliveries and you just take it and you take the receipt. No one's checking. No one's like scanning you as the driver in so you could do whatever you want to not connect it.

[Theo Von]

That's how you show the man right there, dude. Now somebody doesn't get fed somebody and their kids do not get fed.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Theo Von]

They're splitting up a yogurt or something at home, which is tough to do, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

But my boy's point was the drivers don't make any money either. He's making like $8 an hour. So he's like, what about him? Now I got to eat your food.

[Theo Von]

Some people, they love doing doordash. It's fun. Oh, here's some stats right here. Let me see. As a US food survey found that nearly 30% of food delivery drivers, including those on doordash, admit to taking a bite of food from customers orders at least once.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude, Mark Normand will take a bite out of your food. I've seen him do that multiple times.

[Theo Von]

Potato skin Jews. He's the best.

[Chris D'Elia]

Is he number one or what?

[Theo Von]

You guys? I think yalls personalities in New York are so fun. Dude. Louie was just in town. Jim Norton was here.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Did you have Louie and Jim come on in the show?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah. And it was just like, oh, dude, Jim Norton.

[Chris D'Elia]

Jim Norton. I. I've been, you know, you and.

[Theo Von]

I met each other by Jim Norton, Opie and Anthony.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude, you would go way back And. And then. And then half the people we see the show with are dead. Everybody just dropped dead.

[Theo Von]

Vic Henley.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yep. Chef Carl Ruiz. Damn. Sucks. But, you know, rest in peace. But they. But Jim, dude, he said this bit. Him and Anthony Kumia did this bit the other day that. Oh, my. I mean, I. They, like, reposted. I had to text Jim. Like, I almost crashed my car from laughing. Because, by the way, like, you know, love this pod. But you know how, like, we do this. Like, this is our profession. And even sometimes comedy can't be as cathartic for us as it is for the audience because, like, we get stuck in, in, in. You know, if you listen to some dope comedian or, like, you laugh, but you're like, man, you kind of have this self reflection, like, I should be better, blah, blah, blah. Jim Norton's got a new pod called Jim Norton's Pod can't save you. And it's. I listen to it like I'm an audience member. Like, it's. It's my cathartic. Like, I wait each week, I listen to the episodes. When they have the episodes on. They had an episode, Old School 1 with Colin Quinn and Rich Voss, where it's like that old Opie and Anthony energy, like from the early 2000s. It just hits me in a way where I'm like, oh, this is the gift of comedy. Like, I was going, you know, if you're going through stuff in your life, you're depressed, you're sad, you need to laugh. That's the pot I go to.

[Theo Von]

I gotta start listening.

[Chris D'Elia]

Jim Norton can't save you. It's one of. To me, it's. It's like Jim in all his glory. But this bit, I came across it and I was dying.

[Theo Von]

I kissed my friend's grandmother, which I know is all right.

[Chris D'Elia]

And it was like.

[Theo Von]

It was like a little peck in our lips touched.

[Chris D'Elia]

And I'd be lying. Whose lips were thinner and drier? Give a little contest.

[Theo Von]

I would be lying if I said I wasn't turned on. I was a little turned on.

[Chris D'Elia]

I like to taste a Geritol, but I couldn't do anything about it because I'm like, you know, Then they close the lid.

[Theo Von]

That's awesome.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's my. You know, I. I don't know. When he said, close the lid, I just. It just hit me because I thought the bit was just about kissing his grandma. And. And. But that's the kind of humor, you know, that I like. And I used to. It used to be one of those things where you know, I understand this subjectivity of comedy now and how if I think it's really funny and you don't, or vice versa, like, that's just. Okay. Like, I used to get upset if I saw not the whole audience laughing, or now I'm just like, oh, okay, that's. Comedy can't be for everybody. Everybody's comedy can't be for everybody. All the time. Time. So I'm accepting of that now.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Just like, this is where I'm. Yeah. If I'm still trying to make something for everybody, then that's not going to be great. Trying to just be true to myself the best I can. Yeah, but those guys are. I mean.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right?

[Theo Von]

Those guys are funny at a level that's way funnier than I feel like. I mean, way funnier than I'll ever be and way funnier than I think we are now. Well, I think you always feel like the generation before you is funnier.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, like if you sit at the Comedy Cell and you ever get stuck at the back table with. With Jim Norton, Colin Quinn, Rich Voss, those guys, and they start hammering jokes, and then it comes to you and you. Nine times out of 10, I don't have anything to say.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And then you just get abused and it re. And you realize, hey, with this game, it's ticket sales, money, fame, fortune, all those things are. Whatever, though. There's a part of it that's great, but it's like just pound for pound fun.

[Theo Von]

Yes.

[Chris D'Elia]

I've never seen a group that can hit it like those guys hit it. Yeah, I just. I've never seen a group that. That 90s 2000s. Tough crowd. New York.

[Theo Von]

Keith Robinson.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yep. Keith Robinson. All those guys, old school. Nick DePaolo. Patrice O' Neal passed away. You know, I never met Patrice, but he, He. He was, you know, obviously amazing. Geraldo. Those old school New York guys.

[Theo Von]

Can't even imagine.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Because there was a time where I was like, you know, people, you know.

[Theo Von]

You and Schumer was in there. She was so funny.

[Chris D'Elia]

She was with that crew. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

I mean, she was so good, you.

[Chris D'Elia]

Know, and now I feel like with comedy, I feel like, you know, it's just. It's things. Things are different now. And I just feel like. Gotta just do it. You know, we have, like, these niche little audiences. I'm. I've. I've convinced myself at times to try to be happier with less. You know, I'm trying. Trying to.

[Theo Von]

Dude, I was getting a massage the other day and. And it was by a man I prefer A man a lot of times I don't like.

[Chris D'Elia]

But does he. He doesn't do the happy ending, though. You don't go that far with.

[Theo Von]

I don't let anybody have any. I'm not driving across town so some loser can jerk me off when I can do it myself at home. Yeah, I'm not going to do it. And no offense, if you're a masseuse, you're not a loser. Whatever. I don't mean that. I just mean, like, the places I go. It's not like nobody's been to a school or, like, in a beauty school, you know, there's not a hot rock in the room unless it's. Unless it's in an eight ball in somebody's pocket, you know, there's no right. It's not that kind of. It's just, like, the light bulbs kind of working, and somebody will run up your back. You don't know if it's a bo or a little Vietnamese woman, dude, but it helps you relax.

[Chris D'Elia]

Same thing.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. And then it'll help you.

[Chris D'Elia]

No, dude, I had an uncle who fought in the war.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude, I don't give a. I haven't decided what side I'm on.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right?

[Theo Von]

But here's the thing. It's like, okay, I went in there, and the guy. I paid him up front. This guy's such a great guy. And I go to two massage places. There's one in. In Westwood that I go to in Los Angeles. It's called Siri Foot Spa, and it's amazing. And then there's one in Nashville that I go to called Crest Foot Spa. Nice. And both.

[Chris D'Elia]

Why did it have to be a foot spa? Like, what is that about a foot spa? Because you just get the feet done?

[Theo Von]

No, but I'm just saying, if they'll get into your feet, they'll get into the rest of you.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's true, dude.

[Theo Von]

You know what I'm saying? If you start with how you know. They say you don't know a man till you walk a mile in his shoes. But if you're able to knuckle the history out of a man's feet 100, then you know a man.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes, sir. My toes. I got my. My toe next to. My big toe just crosses over like that. They're called hammer toes. And I was telling my wife, I was like, I need a paternity test on that baby. And I was saying it like that. As soon while she was giving birth, I was like, I need. I need to know that mind.

[Theo Von]

Oh, for sure.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. And she. And, and I kept saying that and then, and then they slapped me. She slapped me. My girl in the middle of the childbirth and she was like, look at that baby's feet.

[Theo Von]

Right?

[Chris D'Elia]

And then my daughter has the same toes as me, dude. They're crossed over.

[Theo Von]

I like that.

[Chris D'Elia]

But so my daughter. So I feel bad because my daughter. Because my wife's feet are very flat, like almost like a Princess Fiona foot. And then my toes are crossed over. And I'm just hoping that my daughters don't have a mix of both our feet because girls should have nice feet. Guys, it doesn't matter if your feet are. My feet look like that. My feet look like they're on the wrong leg. Like my right foot's on my left and my left foot's on my right. That's what it feels like.

[Theo Von]

You got toes in different area code. You got shit hair and.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, yeah, it's bad. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Somebody gives you directions, you're still.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, yeah, my feet will go the wrong way. It's. It's like you never get like wet your iPhone and it's like you're hitting a thing and it's going over there. That's what my feet are. They're like wet iPhones.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. You're like soaking your feet in rice at night.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Yes.

[Theo Von]

Trying to get them calibrated.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, dude, but yo speak. I. I need to get work, start working on the massages and the care part. Can't just go in and do push ups, pull ups and sit ups at our age anymore. It's like, like you need the care. You need a massage a week. Is it, Is that what the numbers are too?

[Theo Von]

Like right now, this week I'm trying to get extra one is just like I got a couple busy weeks coming up and so I just gotta like, now's the time I gotta tap in and just see if I can, you know, make sure I'm taking care of myself. And I'm fortunate enough to be able to do it right. Like, I know some guys, they have families, they're working every day, you know, like, you know, they work like daytime hours so it's hard to find time to go. So yeah, I just feel lucky that I'm able to go do it. But yeah, I like to go into that joint where it's low key, dude. They used to have a place go to in LA, give a do $40. Two Viets would beat the out of you with the Kongs. I don't know, I didn't see their. But I Knew, like, one of them look heavy.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Or he looked like his stomach was tight because it was moving around a big. You ever see somebody like that 100 dude, like, not even in good shape. You see their abs and like, what the. And then you see like, oh, he's, he's carrying, you know. Yeah, he's got a couple pallets full on him.

[Chris D'Elia]

But Kobayashi, the hot dog eating champion, he was always shredded because he had.

[Theo Von]

That, that, you know, he's got that thing on him.

[Chris D'Elia]

You think he's got that 100%. He's got that Nathan's.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that Nathan's is long and lean, full of nitrates.

[Chris D'Elia]

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[Theo Von]

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[Chris D'Elia]

Yo, I knew you weren't gonna. I knew. I knew you weren't in la. You were an LA guy. But I knew that you were gonna come back home. I knew you were gonna come back home. Yep. Because I feel like. I just feel like you. You belong here.

[Theo Von]

I'm not from here.

[Chris D'Elia]

No. No. But in the.

[Theo Von]

Oh. In the realm Here?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, man. I think you're right.

[Chris D'Elia]

You belong in the like a 200 mile radius and it's here.

[Theo Von]

I feel, I feel really nice here. I feel lucky to be here. I feel like we're in a. Like, I do feel like Tennessee is like a place that it's caring, it feels more normal and it's like. And it's fun and it's like, I don't know, everything doesn't feel like it's for sale.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Like it feels, there's a, a genuineness to it all here where not everything is about entertainment. Here you could. You know what I mean? Like you're an entertainer, but your neighbor's probably not. Yeah, we're in la. Your neighbor probably is. Or if they weren't, at some point they wanted to be. So it's, it's, it's, it's a tough thing to always be around that.

[Theo Von]

Well, in Hollywood, I think. I mean, Hollywood's even losing. A lot of the film industry bring up what's causing production to leave Los Angeles.

[Chris D'Elia]

Tax credits. AI. Earthquakes, tsunamis. Dude, Beverly Hills looks like Saudi Arabia.

[Theo Von]

Let me see. States like Georgia, New Mexico and Nevada, plus countries such as Canada and the UK offer healthier tax incentives. The cost of living and operating in Los Angeles has significantly increased. Hollywood endured major strikes because of. And a lot of that's because of greed. The aftermath of COVID 19, which a lot of them helped push through the celebrities. And so it's nice just to see a lot of this coming back in the bite people in the ass. Studios are cutting production budgets and scaling back local projects due to declining streaming numbers, reduced programming by networks and a fall in box office revenues. Wildfires. I mean, yeah, they. Dude, the fact that they didn't even have water in that reservoir. The fact that there's issues with like, like hundreds of millions of dollars they raised from fire aid, that's not even going to people that. It's like what is even going on. That place just feels like such a scam and I think people with heartbeats are starting to kind of realize it. And now. I don't mean like, that's just. Holly, what I'm saying. I'm not talking about the people really that are there. I mean, they know what who I'm talking about. But it's not like the everyday people that's just there that's hustling that love their neighborhoods and I'm not talking about that.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right, right. Yeah, yeah. LA OGs.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I'm just talking about how Hollywood, how they're losing that industry and. Yeah. And maybe some guy like Mom Donnie will come along there and they'll start to, like, you know, it'd be nice to see eventually that people that don't have all the means get to have more of the things, you know.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Theo Von]

Because it starts to get gluttonous and it starts to get kind of sick.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, it starts. And then you look back at history. That's why I love history so much and do the history pod. Because you look back at, like, the French Revolution right. In the 1790s. That's what happened, man, is the wage gap started to get crazy, and the rich just kept getting richer. And then one. And then they just stormed the Bastille and they cut off the king and queen's head. Marie Antoinette let him eat cake, but she supposedly didn't say that. Well, she definitely didn't say that, but. And then they cut off the King. King Louis Dome piece in the beginning. If you ever seen the movie Napoleon with Joaquin Phoenix, that's the first scene that they show, and that's. That wage gap is starting to broaden just like. Like them days now.

[Theo Von]

Dude, I want to be on a horse with the revolutionaries.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Theo Von]

And I know that I've made money in my life now, and it's different, but I'll never have money in my heart. And, yeah, I want to do some things that towards the end of this year and next year that are going to start to, like, create ways to, like, give back, help people, like, figure.

[Chris D'Elia]

Things out, you know, you should buy your whole neighborhood. Solar roofs, solar panel, Tesla roofs.

[Theo Von]

No, people in my neighborhood are fine. They'll be okay.

[Chris D'Elia]

I mean, go buy for the. In the hood, though.

[Theo Von]

Done. They don't. What, are you gonna charge their guns at night doing that? No, but I think there is great ways. But I don't know, I thought about going back to my old neighborhood. We got a bunch of cool stuff in. In the coffers, and some of that's just jokes. Dude, did you see that? Roana, He's a Democratic congressman from California.

[Chris D'Elia]

Okay.

[Theo Von]

And Thomas Massie, who's like the. Who drove here in a truck that he lives in, crazy, parked it outside. I'm in that. Drinking fucking and raw milk with him that he got out of a goat by his home.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Did you get sick after?

[Theo Von]

I mean, I didn't get well. You know, my eyes wouldn't open that. That far. In the morning they open, but just not that far. But yeah, but anyway, they come up with this petition. It's a bipartisan effort. It says right here in the US House of Representatives. Launched in September to force a vote on releasing all federal files related to the Jeffrey Epstein case. The petition takes the form of a discharge petition which allows a resolution or bill to bypass regular committee procedures and be brought directly to the House floor for a vote. I mean, don't you think it's crazy that they won't release this? What do you, like. Do you have a take on what do you think's going on with all this?

[Chris D'Elia]

With the Epstein stuff?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I mean, it just seems like, how could they not? Like, does it feel like our government is protecting pedophiles to you?

[Chris D'Elia]

I mean, probably. But again, I don't know, because there's so much mismatch. Like, there's so many things happening here. So you look here and vice versa, that I really don't know because, you know, the whole thing was about those missing second or second or one or two seconds of the Epstein tape. And then they just. The government just released the tape unedited, and there's nothing that happens in those two seconds. So there's nobody that came in or came out of it. Now, could there be some more advanced technology we don't even know about, that they're just making things happen, probably, but I don't know. I really don't know. I try. There are times where I find myself going down a rabbit hole of it, and then I try to take myself out and say, how does that. Even if they are protecting pedophiles, how does that help me or hurt me in any way, shape, or form? It's like, dude, just go make your kid an avocado toast. Yeah, just go. Literally try to.

[Theo Von]

Right. Do the next right thing.

[Chris D'Elia]

I just try to. I try to make it small. I try to make my life small now, man. I'm like, I don't know, dude. I don't know, Epstein. I don't know, Trump. I've never met these people, so I can't have them affecting my life on a daily basis. I'm like, what are my kids gonna do, man? I'm like, you know, like, that's what's important. Should I help? Yeah. How can I help? My kids learn how, you know, we. My stepson can't. You know, he's. The way he throws a baseball is like, we gotta fix that.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

You know, my daughter. Yeah, dude, she wants to do cheerleading, and she keeps falling off the pyramid. So I'm like, you know, man, I want to Do I wanna. I wanna get into this, but I'm also like, I don't have time, dude. One of my kids is 8 years old and still in a hyper, so I gotta fix that. You know what I mean? So that's what I do. And either none of us do it or all of us do it. That's what I say. I tell my. You know, I don't tell my kids that. I tell my. But I tell my kids other gems where I'm like, do the right thing, even if nobody's looking. Do the right thing. You do the right thing even when no one's looking.

[Theo Von]

Like Spike Lee.

[Chris D'Elia]

Exactly. So you do the right thing even when no one's looking. So you know what I mean? And that's what my. That's what my daughter. I think that's what my daughter does. I mean, you know, with the whole ICE stuff.

[Theo Von]

Oh. I think it's obviously. At least she's involved in. At least she has some political or social awareness.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's what I'm saying. I don't.

[Theo Von]

Right. But you. You have to make time so that they do.

[Chris D'Elia]

Exactly. So I keep the space.

[Theo Von]

I'm gonna pivot right here. I want to talk about you because last time you were on, we had an extensive conversation. I think it was Valentine's Day, or Valentine's Day was coming up. And we talked about love. And we literally talked about it for about two hours. You got engaged finally for the second time, is that right?

[Chris D'Elia]

The second time? First time we did it, it was like, you know, because we had a baby so quick, and I wanted to do it, but it was really just Catholic guilt wanting to do it. And then. And then we split up for a while. And that's what happens sometimes. You split up with someone and then, you know, you kind of realize what you got. You know that saying, you don't really know what you got until it's gone. And then. So that's what her. Jaz and I have been together now for, Jesus, 11, 12 years. And, you know, we're getting engaged because we got engaged because, you know, we got kids. You know, we got three kids.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. And you're a family now.

[Chris D'Elia]

We're a family now. And I said, what, like three kids or two kids? Well, two biological and one extra kid. One extra kid. Right.

[Theo Von]

Do you believe. How does love change over time for you guys? How has it changed?

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, I realized that it's not a feeling, it's an action. That's how it's evolved to me.

[Theo Von]

Tell me about that.

[Chris D'Elia]

Before that. Love is an action.

[Theo Von]

But wait, like, tell me a little more meaning.

[Chris D'Elia]

Like, to me, the first sense that I felt anytime I ever saw, what I felt when I first saw Jasmine.

[Theo Von]

I remember you told me at a bar, you guys were at a place where it was. Yeah, it was a volleyball bar.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Called Place to Beach in Brooklyn. And I. Yeah. And then I felt. And they got shut down because they were selling the fake vaccine card.

[Theo Von]

First of all, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. There's nothing like meeting an illegal alien at a fake vaccine card shop.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Okay. If your marriage doesn't start out like that in America, then you.

[Chris D'Elia]

So. So she. So I felt this feeling, like, when I saw her. Like, she, like, stopped me in my tracks. Like this, like, feeling. I can't.

[Theo Von]

I still, like, indigestion or somebody, but in your.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. I thought I was having a heart attack. I thought maybe because me and my boy Pat, we were eating, like, so much pepperoni, and so I was like, oh, maybe it's that. Maybe it's finally catching up to me. A Pepto Bismol. Nothing worked. And then so. And so I realized, like, that was like. I thought that was love, but that was more of, like, an infatuation. That was more of, like a lust, that was more like me just taken in by her beauty. Like the. You know, that.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And so that's powerful. That's necessary. And then I went through with that feeling for years, thinking, like, that was love. And then we would have all these problems and. And I was always looking for something else. I was always pushing her away. Then I'd get closer, she'd push me away and all these things. And I realized, like, oh, these are just. That wasn't love. Love to me was in action. What I realized was all these years later that the real love was her and I coming back together after a big fight. Her showing me so much loyalty, me showing her loyalty. Her being there for me was. And things were not going well for me. All those things were. That's the love. The action. Love is an action. And I. And I see her do that for me because I used to think. I used to think that she, you know, I would always be searching in my. My brain, being a bit of a perfectionist, as. As, you know, we all are. I think in comedy, like, we always want everything to go right. I would always say, oh, you know, she's not. She's not perfect. So I gotta. You're looking for something else. Your brain is always like, what'? Next best thing? What's the next best thing. And then, you know, at some points, you. You say, okay, I can go get this or get that. And then looking for what's perfect, what's perfect. And then I realized at some point, it hit me. I was like, oh, she actually is perfect because she's. She's taking me in from all. All my imperfections. She's understanding how imperfect I am and still accepting me anyway, so that's. That is like someone who's perfect. Because a lot of people wouldn't do that. A lot of people would have just throw me to the side by now and been like, hey, figure it out. Cause she knows I love my kids. She knows I'm always gonna take care of her, you know, so it wasn't about the money. It wasn't about, oh, I need a man on my life. It's about specifically me. She's taken me in for my imperfections. So for me, that. That makes her perfect to me. And after all these years, I realized that all that and the action of love and, you know, what we have with our children and building a family, like, there's nothing. Your life is happening right now. And while I have, like, a perfect life right now and I don't live in the 0su anymore, it used to be if my career was down, I'd be unhappy. If. If. If I wasn't feeling in, if I was feeling out of shape, I'd be unhappy. One thing could make it all unhappy because I was playing zero sum. It's either all or nothing. I don't do that anymore. I'll say some things in my life are up and downs. Everybody's life, it's all. It's all in flux.

[Theo Von]

How were you able to adjust that? Like, was there something that happened that made you sort of see that? Because that's pretty powerful to hear about, man. Cause, yeah, I think I. I've. I've certainly had that, like, one thing will affect kind of how I operate for the rest of the day and then. Or affect how I think about myself.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, I think children, that's why it's important, you know, in my life personally, people do what they want. But for me, abort all your kids, whatever you want to do in New York City, you could kill them all up. I think, till they're 18. I think you can have legal abortions. That's what AOC said.

[Theo Von]

Or, oh, you can send a kid to Gaza and Israel, kill them.

[Chris D'Elia]

Mom, Donnie's gonna make it 21, he said.

[Theo Von]

Is he?

[Chris D'Elia]

That's what he Said that's what the platform some people are voting for that you can abortions up to their kids are 21. So. But what I felt like, you know, how I learned all that is literally just by like listening to my kids and, and watching what my kids kind of want from me and expect from me. And, and I realized that, you know, you, you could spend your whole life thinking about, oh, what's going to happen tomorrow. Always being, you know, always being, you know, there's something's better, something's better on the horizon. You can spend your whole life like, and then your whole life goes by. So I realized to like being the, like, nothing's better to me. Like what's better than you know, you know, a Lamborghini or selling out a world tour or having sex with the hottest girl is like, you know, just sitting in the grass with your kids like that. And it's not for everybody. And also at times it's not even for me. At times I'm sitting in the grass with my kids, I'm like, this sucks. I want to go drive in a Lamborghini.

[Theo Von]

But, but, but it's not a zero sum game exactly.

[Chris D'Elia]

But those moments that I do have when I am fully locked, locked in, I'm always chasing that. If I'm chasing one thing, I'm always chasing that. These I've had feeling throughout my life of being locked in with my family. I've never had a euphorias like that. I've never been happier than that. And it doesn't happen all the time. At times I'm home, my family trying to say find that feeling. And I just can't, you know, find it. But I don't beat myself up about it anymore. I'm like, yo, just keep coming, Giannis. And I, Giannis talks to me a lot about going back. Life is coming back to the present. Always come back to the present. Always come back to the moment. That's always, that's, that's your job. Come back to the moment as, as much as you can throughout the day. Come back to the moment because it's all happening now. I, I try to be where my feet are. Like there, there was a time when I was talking to you the last time we spoke about love. And on Valentine's Day, half of my brain was with you. And then half of my brain was probably back home at my kids or, you know, what I was doing after that or my show. But now I'm fully locked in just with you. I, I, I've, that's one thing I have definitely can feel I've gotten better. I just. I'm where my feet are. I'm fully with you right now.

[Theo Von]

Now.

[Chris D'Elia]

And then when I leave, I'll. I'll fully be with, you know, the driver. And then I'll. And then, you know, when I speak to my family, I'll fully be with them. You know what I mean? And then I'll fully be with an Asian dude in the bathroom at BNA Airport, baby. Right? He's got Viet Cong. The Viet Cong's getting me. Yeah. I got those camera shoes. So that. So that's how I feel. I don't know if I explained it correctly.

[Theo Von]

Round trip to Saigon.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Guantanamo Bay. So I don't know if I explained it right.

[Theo Von]

No, I think you did.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's what it is.

[Theo Von]

Well, I think it's funny. You said when you say something out of. It's like. Yeah. I let my mind, like, I'll have a thought and then my mind will multiply it.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Theo Von]

Kind of I'll have a feeling or one bad thing will happen. Something that's not my favorite.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, because the brain is going to go towards connections. That's the connective tissue. That's why they say those mushrooms or acid, one of them is good because they say it wipes away your opioids.

[Theo Von]

I can't remember which one.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's what they say. One of them. Something on Joe Rogan said that. Yeah, I don't know, but. But. But that feeling, it's like this thing where I thought I was thinking about this the other day, like, the. You know, like, to be happy. Me and Janice were having a conversation about this, and he had different feelings, but I was kind of saying, like, you know, faith, you gotta have faith. Like, you know, people talk about hope and all that, but I feel like faith is. Is, to me, is better. Like, it's. Faith is on a creator. And like, hope is just.

[Theo Von]

Hope is just gay faith.

[Chris D'Elia]

Exactly. Hope is gay faith. That's the merch. So faith. So you gotta have faith. Faith that, like, tomorrow will be better. So it kind of goes against what I just said, but on the same hand, it's like simultaneously, I think this balance of life is, have, have faith. You know, we had to get out of the caves, basically, as, you know, Neanderthals. We were getting out. You have to get out of the cave, like, to go survive in advance and all that. So it's like you got to have this faith that there's a better life outside the cave by Also acknowledging simultaneously that what you have in the cape is in enough. So it's a delicate life. It's just bounce. You know what I mean, dude, My.

[Theo Von]

Uncle, he used to tickle us, right? And the only way he didn't stop you to say the N word to get him to stop, right?

[Chris D'Elia]

Right. That's my same uncle. Like that. And the only way you'd say it's not tickle, but you say the N word's the only way to get him to come. So when he asked because he wants to give, you know, like donate a sperm. Oh, so he wouldn't be able to do it. The prostate wouldn't work, nothing. So. But because he's got such potent sperm, so if you yell the N word, he bust a nut. And then that's how he was able to give back to his community, by helping some of the ladies who were infertile make more babies.

[Theo Von]

Oh, you yell the or so the whites will pop out. You know, they're like, what's going on out there?

[Chris D'Elia]

Right? He's black.

[Theo Von]

Your uncle's black?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

That's good.

[Chris D'Elia]

I have one black uncle. I actually have a Puerto Rican uncle. For real. He passed away. He was dope, dude. He. True story. Somebody robbed my mom coming down the block. And they were robbing women, taking their purses. They took my mom's purse and multiple other ladies purses. And then they would sell, you know, like take their money. And it was running out of the back of a bodega that, you know, they had like, steal their money, sell their stuff, whatever, sell their license, I don't know. And my uncle would go to that bodega and drink beers and chill. And he heard them talking in Spanish about, oh, they just took this lady's purse. And he was saying like to himself, he's like, oh, I think. I think that's my sister in law, right? So he didn't like this guy already. So they got drunk and then he brought him. He had a whole craft like a. Like a. Like a tool shed in my garage. And he had. He took this guy back to the garage. He thought he was just gonna drink beers or whatever. And then he tied him up and he put on a welding mask and he welded the skin off his knees for stealing from my mom. And then he gave my mom all her money back and all that. And he had had fossilized this guy's knee skin. Dead serious. He was crazy, dude. And he would drive me.

[Theo Von]

Don't want you here anymore.

[Chris D'Elia]

He would drive me to school. He's dead though. That guy?

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I mean, I was a little kid. They didn't tell me till I was an adult.

[Theo Von]

I don't. I feel bad for everybody in that.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right? Yeah. But the guy was robbing purses. He didn't kill him. He just melted the skin off his knees.

[Theo Von]

I think sometimes you got to have some serious measures. Yeah, man, I, you know, I. I like finding that. Yeah. Finding love and committing to it and realizing that the rest of the stuff is distraction, you know?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. But also too. I mean, I say all that stuff, but I also don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

[Theo Von]

Right. But you know what you're talking about for you and you're trying your best. I don't think you can say that.

[Chris D'Elia]

You know what?

[Theo Von]

You know, you seem insane.

[Chris D'Elia]

No, but you know what I've been realizing too? Like just about me, I mean, like, you know, because I'm only me. Like there's moments of the day almost every day where I'll have some like, intuit. I'll say something like so intuitive and tight, but I'll say it like. Like only once in a while does that get captured on the camera. Like when I'm supposed to be doing my job here, I'm just babbling. I don't know what I'm talking about. But I'll like get on the plane tonight and have a conversation with the person next to me and it'll be like next level on. And so I wonder about that.

[Theo Von]

That. No, I think people do that. Oh yeah. I have conversations in my head. I'll listen back after I get like. I'll be listening to the edit of an episode is watching through and. And I'll be like, why didn't I ask that? They should have asked this. That's insane not to ask that right there. But I think it's just where your brain is and what you can handle and what you like do and, and take on at the moment. Oh, did you see there's a clip of a woman took a man into the mall and made him walk. He cheated and she made him walk with a sign on. Do you see that? This is awesome. And this guy's. A sign on, it says I had a two year affair. Ask me how it says.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, he had a two year affair while I had his second baby. We intentionally had a second baby and he was having an affair the whole time.

[Theo Von]

This feels real to me. To you if.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, feels real. But to me it's like, is this.

[Theo Von]

Valuable, do you think? Is this the kind of stuff we need to keep marriages together.

[Chris D'Elia]

No, I, I would, I would, you know, get a divorce. Dude, you don't want to be with her.

[Theo Von]

Well, he should have gotten a divorce than to go ahead and have a more family.

[Chris D'Elia]

The good thing about, like, you know, my lady is if, if that, you know, if I ever had a two year affair, which I haven't, but if I ever had a two year affair, she would never do this. She would punch me directly in my spleen. Yeah, she would have. She would. That's what would happen for that. Like, she would find an organ. She's good and she's lefty.

[Theo Von]

Other flyways are welterweight.

[Chris D'Elia]

She would hit it with the. Probably with the ring on. So she'd hit me hard in the spleen, pancreas, something like that. And she would just. That's what I would do. And I've kind of blood.

[Theo Von]

Or pick an Irish Mickey Ward for a little while.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. But then, then she would probably make me plantanos or something. Some, you know, dish, the maduro, the smash plantainos. She would make it for me maybe a couple of nights later. Yeah, she'd be all right. But see, like, what this is, like this I don't like, you know, and also, I mean, there's a part of me that also doesn't believe it. I just. Because of how much content is out there, I just don't believe that it's always real. But, you know, she.

[Theo Von]

Why would he go do this? She just. If her. If it's not real, her acting is pretty good in this video.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, he's, you know, I mean, he. I mean. Yeah, that's bitch boy behavior. I mean, I would never.

[Theo Von]

Well, here's the thing. They brought the baby. Is the baby real? Can you zoom in and see if the baby's moving at all?

[Chris D'Elia]

Is that. Yeah. I don't know. Doesn't even look like there's a baby in there. Oh, there it is. Yeah, there's his feet.

[Theo Von]

So that's pretty real. Who's gonna give somebody a fake baby to go make this?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, and that's kind of whack. Like, if you gotta see your parents. That I don't think. I mean, I get what she's trying to do, but it's whack all around. I mean, he's whack, she's whack. They both just look like they suck. And they both do look like, like prototypical podcast fans. These are exactly what the fans of the podcast look like. These kinds of people, you Got a fat older lady and just a skinny guy. Looks kind of dirty.

[Theo Von]

She's not even older.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes, she is.

[Theo Von]

What you look like.

[Chris D'Elia]

She's 25 too old, baby.

[Theo Von]

Wow.

[Chris D'Elia]

Bro two. Oh. Oh, you owe.

[Theo Von]

But what did she tell him? You have to do this or what?

[Chris D'Elia]

She probably said, you have to do this or what? Or I'm going to lie.

[Theo Von]

Like.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, see, that's the thing, because normally it's like, oh, I'll tweet out your messages. I'll contact this guy.

[Theo Von]

I see. So whatever. She was going to maybe blast him.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, but. But this is worse. I'd rather that. I'd rather. I'd rather that than. Go ahead, tell everyone you've ever met, because I don't want to do this.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I don't believe. And I bet you if you scroll through the comments, most people are saying, this isn't real.

[Theo Von]

Let's see.

[Chris D'Elia]

I don't think it's real.

[Theo Von]

Let me see. She entirely emasculated her husband. She should have just left him.

[Chris D'Elia]

Do you believe, like, how many of these comments do you think are real people? And have you ever commented, like, a great point on a video?

[Theo Von]

You're right. It's all a mirage, right?

[Chris D'Elia]

Like, it's all. I feel like it's getting to the point now where it might be, like, over 50% of the people that comment on your stuff.

[Theo Von]

Well, especially with AI, it's like they can make so many things or bots. Like. Like, AI is so capable of, like, act more human when you comment like you can do all that. It's like we're watching a. Like, it's kind of crazy to think that our reality has become science fiction.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right? But I. But it's the reality on the social media platforms and on the science fiction.

[Theo Von]

No, our reality has become fiction.

[Chris D'Elia]

But then what's science fiction?

[Theo Von]

Smart fiction. Which this. Which it really is, because it's definitely, like, tricks us a lot, right?

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude, I know. Yeah, I don't. I don't know. Dude, I know Jussie Smollett's probably innocent. I watch a NETFLIX documentary.

[Theo Von]

Oh, do you think I could play Jussie Smollett in a biopic?

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, I told you, especially from the future, because as you said in the beginning of the show, you're a black woman from the future. So I think that you could. And I think I. I think that you could play Jessie Smollett and you could play the attackers who are the Nigerian dudes. One of. I think you play any of those three. I think you're a good actor.

[Theo Von]

Thanks, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

Even though I've never seen you act, but I have a feeling that you're a good actor.

[Theo Von]

Feelings mean a lot, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

Remember when you said on Opie and Anthony or the Opie show all those years ago that I look like a deaf guy that goes to the gym?

[Theo Von]

But we had so much fun in there.

[Chris D'Elia]

That was cr. And, you know, it was crazy, too, to watch that video. If you ever like you more you like, you watch that, you could watch that clip and, you know, just think about, like, at that point in your career, like, you were kind of struggling.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah. Well, you.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, you said you were struggling. We thought, you know, you. You were like, I remember us going to have lunch, and you're like, man, like, there was. I think you had done a show the next weekend in Sacramento Punch on. You had forgotten your pants.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And you had to take the opener's pants. That's a true story. Don the guy, Don DePetto, you had to take his pants.

[Theo Von]

I remember.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, because you didn't have pants, dude. And you were. We didn't sell barely any tickets at the Sacramento Punchline, then blew up.

[Theo Von]

That was so much fun going in there, dude. Going in there in the morning, going in that building and getting to go in there. Oh, it was great. And like, there was like, you were in there.

[Chris D'Elia]

Bobby Lee used to go in there and eat Bulldick.

[Theo Von]

There were heroes in there. Bobby ate Bulldick?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes, he ate Bulldick on Opie show. I don't know if you. Yeah, there's video of it, him eating Bulldick. And then Howard Stern was there. Remember? He was down the hall. You know that New York Sirius XM building. It's not like that at all anymore. There's like a ghost. There's nobody. I mean, Opie and Anthony's not even a show anymore. Jim doesn't have a show anymore. Howard Stern still has a show, but he never goes in. Sway in the morning, all those show. Nobody goes in anymore. I think we got to start going into the buildings again. I don't like. Oh, Like, I don't think working from home is. I don't know that it's going to.

[Theo Von]

Last, but here we are doing it. Let's pull up this one clip right there. Bobby's bull testicle.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, I was here for that. And the chef did put olive oil and some salt on it.

[Theo Von]

O. Wow.

[Chris D'Elia]

This was 10 years ago. See.

[Theo Von]

Bobby, is that real?

[Chris D'Elia]

That's real, dude. I was sitting across. Then he ran out. That's okay.

[Theo Von]

It's not gay if you're starving, dude, you're starving.

[Chris D'Elia]

And this was before Bad Friends. He was also at this time in 2016, telling me his career was. Felt like dead in the water. And now look how things can change.

[Theo Von]

He's one of the best bad friends you could have right there. Oh, he just pulled the nuts off of it.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, he pulled the nuts. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh, and he bit into him.

[Chris D'Elia]

He ate into the nuts. He vomited. Yeah, I think he runs. He runs out of the. He runs out of the studio and I. I went after him and he. He was vomiting for real.

[Theo Von]

That's a Christmas carrot right there.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, see, look, he ran out. He ran out. Yep, yep, yep. Yeah, he's dead now, Carl, unfortunately, I know every.

[Theo Von]

So is Vic Henley, right. Right there.

[Chris D'Elia]

Vic Henley. Yeah, unfortunately.

[Theo Von]

Well, I think the one thing you that we can count on, man, is just love. It's like that's what you. I think, like that's one of the messages I feel like from our conversation today. It's like, you know, there's a lot going on in the world. You focus on the things that are in front of you and the things you can handle, and that is really what's important.

[Chris D'Elia]

Make your life a little smaller. That's what I try to tell my kids, man. There's so many things going on in the world. Yeah. Take little breaks. It's like I. There's travesty happening all over the world. You can't fix everything. But you know what I mean? You could sweep up in front of your crap crib. You could sweep up the front of the house, take the garbage out, you know, tell your neighbors, try not to be Nazis if they can. You know what I mean?

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Do the right thing even when nobody's watching. All that comparison is the thief of joy. Hope is my hedge. Faith are my facts. I am. Okay.

[Theo Von]

Hope is gay. Faith.

[Chris D'Elia]

Hope is gay. Faith. Faith is also a big time name for gay women. Gay ass. Faith.

[Theo Von]

Faith. We. Next time we talk, we should talk about how certain names could lead people down certain sexual paths.

[Chris D'Elia]

My name. Well, Christopher, My dad, he purposely calls me Christopher and not Chris because he believes that if a man goes with their full first name, that means they're gay. So he will. He basically calls me gay, okay, As a joke, but he calls me that. He calls me Christopher. It's really like he's saying you're gay, so. And Paul, sorry, dude, I gotta interrupt.

[Theo Von]

You, but we gotta. You have to go or you're gonna miss your flight.

[Chris D'Elia]

I gotta go. I gotta go to Chicago. D. Dude. Dude.

[Theo Von]

I love you. History Hyenas is back. People can check it out. You're on tour with some tour dates. We'll make sure we put them all up and talk about them in the beginning. And I love you, man. Good to see you.

[Chris D'Elia]

Love you, brother. You too, man. Now I'm just on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone oh, but when I reach that grass out I'll share this piece of my life Out I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take.