#634 - Fiona Cauley

Summary

Podcast Summary: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von

Episode #634: Fiona Cauley (Jan 16, 2026)

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Episode Overview

In this heartfelt and hilarious episode, comedian Theo Von sits down with fellow comedian and podcaster Fiona Cauley. The conversation dives deep into Fiona’s experience living with Friedrich’s ataxia—a rare neurological disease—and how it shapes her life, comedy, and perspective. Together, they discuss disability, family, comedy breaks, viral moments on Kill Tony and Fallon, inclusion, identity, resilience, and even brush with danger and absurdity. The episode is rich with witty banter, honest insights, and memorable stories, making it both one of the funniest and most illuminating installments of the podcast.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Couches, Counters, and Comedic Banter

• [01:12–02:08] The episode opens with light-hearted talk about worn-out couches and counting "sits," leading to playful riffs about heavy sitting and couch catapults:
  • "You're what some people would consider a heavy sitter, huh?" —Theo Von
  • "I'm professional. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On me." —Fiona Cauley

2. Living with Friedrich's Ataxia

• [02:08–04:12] Fiona details her diagnosis, how only 5,000 people in the US have the disease, and how it changed her and her siblings’ lives.
  • "I don't make enough of a protein called frataxin... Both my parents were carriers. Didn't know. And then they had kids, and we're screwed." —Fiona [02:25]
  • Sibling rivalry: Fiona’s older and younger siblings also have FA, leading to comical complaints about wheelchair brand choices and family dynamics.

3. Navigating Bars, Disability, and Humor

• [04:12–05:37] Fiona shares anecdotes about using a cane in bars to signal she wasn’t drunk (“I was drunk, but you know.”) and owning multiple canes, including a hidden sword cane for dates and protection.

4. Breakout on Kill Tony and Netflix Poster Fame

• [06:07–07:54]
  • Fiona describes the surreal experience of being featured on a Netflix poster for "Once Upon a Time in Texas".
  • Discusses how performing on Kill Tony changed her career overnight and boosted her following from 30K to 500K+.
  • "Kill Tony, they definitely have a bigger reach now. Late night is not the same." —Fiona [14:42]

5. Behind the Scenes at Kill Tony

• [09:48–14:42]
  • Fiona unveils the nerve-wracking process of performing her minute, the Roman Coliseum vibe, accessibility challenges, and humorous observations about the cast and crew.
    • "I have to, like, go around the building and get carried up these stairs... It smells real bad, but it reminds you of your life." —Fiona [10:57]
  • Quips about Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, and the wild world of arena comedy shows.

6. Disability, Visibility, and Inclusion in Comedy

• [17:22–24:29]
  • They riff on autistic Barbie, wheelchair Barbie, and performative corporate inclusion.
    • "Autism isn't visible generally. So, couldn't any Barbie be autistic?" —Fiona [18:25]
  • Fiona’s take on preferred terminology: "I prefer like disability disabled. I think handicap is like a thing, like a parking spot or stall... But I'm a person with a disability." [24:07]

7. Early Signs, Family, and Misdiagnoses

• [31:06–36:33]
  • Fiona recounts her journey from clumsy athlete to misunderstood teen (accused of being drunk/high), familial gaslighting, and her ultimate self-advocacy leading to her diagnosis:
    • "I was gaslit, like crazy. I fully thought I had a mental issue and I was making this all up." —Fiona [34:30]

8. Processing Grief, Mourned Futures & Resilience

• [36:06–40:53]
  • Discussion on mourning the life you thought you’d have versus finding acceptance and new meaning.
    • "I was mourning what I thought I had." —Fiona [37:33]
    • "Even a snake... when he sheds his skin, I bet he probably looks back at least once." —Theo [40:32]

9. Perspective on Comedy, Platform, and Social Stigma

• [41:13–50:21]
  • How her unique viewpoint as a disabled comic generates material and challenges—especially the balance between not wanting to be "the wheelchair comic" and embracing her authentic story.

10. Wild Uber Story / Brushes with Danger

• [43:01–54:53; Must-listen: 46:32–47:13]
  • Fiona's epic tale: a deranged Uber driver shows her a gun while ranting about liberals, teaching her to "stay chill" when literally captive in a Nissan Altima.
    • "So, like, gun to my head, I can walk." —Fiona [51:41]

11. Comedy Scene, Partying, and Finding Purpose

• [56:38–65:08]
  • Wild afterparty with rapper Yelawolf, showing the absurd scenarios comedians can find themselves in.
  • Reflections on the evolving feeling of hope, faith, and grief post-diagnosis.

12. Romance, Marriage, and Accepting Love

• [88:06–92:46]
  • Candid discussion about fear of intimacy and doubt that she’d find love given her prognosis, and the beautiful story of being proposed to at a comedy club.
    • "You always got a chair with me." —Fiona to her husband, Matt [90:11]

13. Fame, DMs, and Online Interaction

• [96:18–97:47]
  • Fiona shares some of the wildest and sometimes disturbing DMs she receives due to her public visibility—including requests to “roll over” fans with her wheelchair.

14. Advocacy, Accessibility, and Representation

• [110:00–114:45]
  • Recognizing Judy Heumann and discussing the struggle for real accessibility and societal acceptance.
    • "We are the largest minority, we have the least amount of progress... all we're asking is for accessibility and no one wants to spend money." —Fiona [123:10]

15. Current Events

• ICE Shooting & Policing (66:57–80:54):
  • They discuss the high-profile ICE agent shooting, the psychology of law enforcement, and the dangers of confrontation, alongside the complexity of immigration debates in America.
• Iran Protests (115:18–123:32):
  • Reflections on the Iranian uprising, state violence, and the importance (and fragility) of having a voice in society.

16. Closing: On Laughter, Perspective, and Legacy

• Takeaways:
  • Fiona’s experience has given her sharp perspective and empathy: she aims to “give a voice to the voiceless”—ironically, as her voice is threatened by her condition.
  • She hopes for more accessible comedy spaces, community, and normalization of disability in public life and performance.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Family Diagnosis:

  • "I'm one of three... I'm the middle meal. Three have it. I got diagnosed first, so they can suck it." —Fiona [03:09]

• On Inclusion & Barbies:

  • "Autism isn't visible generally... couldn't any Barbie be autistic?" —Fiona [18:25]
  • "They definitely have wheelchair Barbie... everyone sends me that." —Fiona [23:00]

• On Accessibility:

  • "The disabled minority is the most inclusive minority... you feel bad for me today, but you could be sitting next to me tomorrow." —Fiona [113:39]

• On Comedy & Authenticity:

  • "It's hard because you don't want all your jokes to be like, wheelchair, wheelchair. But I experience everything from this vantage point." —Fiona [41:31]

• On Marriage & Support:

  • "Like, what good are you to yourself or others if you're hurting yourself [not asking for help]?" —Fiona [112:33]

• On Fame’s Odd Side:

  • "Men asking if I'll roll over their dicks... or like show us your boobs before you die." —Fiona [96:43].

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Episode Timeline: Important Segments

| Timestamp | Topic/Quote/Highlight | |--------------|----------------------------------------------------------| | 01:12–02:08 | The "how many sits on a couch" riff | | 02:08–04:12 | Fiona explains Friedrich's ataxia and family impacts | | 06:07–07:54 | Netflix/Kill Tony exposure: “changed my life overnight” | | 09:48–14:42 | Understanding the Kill Tony process and pressures | | 18:25 | “Couldn’t any Barbie be autistic?” | | 24:07–24:29 | Disability vs. handicap terminology | | 34:30 | Family gaslighting and self-advocacy | | 36:33–40:53 | Mourning a lost future and adapting in comedy | | 43:01–54:53 | Uber gun story—high comedy and high drama | | 88:06–92:46 | Love, acceptance, and proposal at Zanies | | 96:18–97:47 | Wild DMs and harsh realities of online fame | | 110:00–114:45| Judy Heumann: ADA and disability advocacy | | 113:39 | “Disabled minority is the most inclusive minority.” |

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Final Notes

• “Saving you a seat” emerges as a tongue-in-cheek catchphrase for wheelchair accessibility, and as a wearable statement of inclusion.
• The episode is both “one of the funniest… in probably two years” (Theo, [131:02]) and deeply moving, offering listeners a richer understanding of the reality—and humor—of living with visible and invisible challenges.
• For more, check out Fiona and Matt’s podcast Ramping Up (Mondays, 4:30 CT) and Fiona’s live tour dates.

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This summary captures all major themes, hilarious and poignant moments, speaker voices, and practical takeaways—perfect for listeners and non-listeners alike.

Transcript

[Theo Von]

Here's a question. If you walked into a stash house and found it full of $20 million, how much would you steal? That's the question Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have to answer. In Netflix new movie the Rip, they play a team of Miami cops alongside Teyana Taylor, Steven Yeun, Catalina Sandino Moreno, Kyle Chandler, and Sasha Calle, all trying to decide, are they the good guys or the bad guys? This movie is an edge of your seat thrill ride the entire time, keeping you guessing till the very end. Don't miss the Rip. Watch now only on Netflix. Today's guest is a comedian and a podcaster. You may know her from her appearances on Kill Tony. She has her own podcast called Ramping up, and I'm thankful that she's here today. Today's guest is Ms. Fiona Collie.

[Fiona Cauley]

Your house is beautiful, by the way.

[Theo Von]

Oh, thanks. Yeah, I feel lucky to have a place to live. I got to get, I think, a new couch or something. How many times after you sit on a couch, you have to get a new one? That's the thing. They should put, like, a little counter on the side that kind of goes down.

[Fiona Cauley]

I like that. It's like the lollipop question.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, how many sits does it take?

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, you're out, and it catapults you out.

[Theo Von]

The springs just activate.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I like that. No nonsense.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah. That's what we need now. It's like, yeah, how many. How many sits does it take to get to the center of your sofa?

[Fiona Cauley]

I would be screwed, really, because all I do is sit.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's true. Huh? You're here. You're what some people would consider a heavy sitter. Huh?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I'm professional. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On me.

[Theo Von]

For some of our listeners that don't know. So you have. You live with a ailment. What do people do? People call it a disease, an ailment, just because you're already talking about it.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, it's a disease, a disability. It's called Friedrich's ataxia.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. What is it? Is it okay to ask you about it?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, yeah. It. So it's like a really rare neurological disease, and it's progressive, and there are like 5,000 people in the US that have it, and I'm one of them and all. The only difference between us, the reason you can walk and I can't is I don't make enough of a protein called Frataxa then. And that's kind of it. Like, both my parents were carriers. Didn't know. And then they had kids, and we're screwed.

[Theo Von]

And do the. And so are you the only child that has it?

[Fiona Cauley]

No.

[Theo Von]

So if two parents have it and they have a child, any child they have can have it.

[Fiona Cauley]

Can. Yeah. But also, they might not. Some of them. But I'm one of three. I'm the middle meal. Three have it. I got diagnosed first, so. So they can suck it.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. It's like that twin that's born later. Did you feel like they were caught? Did you feel like they were copying off you?

[Fiona Cauley]

I mean, I'm an. I'm the middle child, so it's like I can't have anything to myself. My sister is even in the same wheelchair as me now. Rude.

[Theo Von]

No, same brand.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Oh, I know.

[Theo Von]

But. But is she the younger sister?

[Fiona Cauley]

Older.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's. We're not.

[Fiona Cauley]

Good.

[Theo Von]

Because I noticed. I. I noticed my nephews at Thanksgiving were dressing the same as each other, but they're one of. They're like, two years apart. And I was like, oh, it kind of makes sense. The younger one is dressing like the older one.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. It's even. Well, imagine if, like, your siblings, like, got the same car as you. Yeah, it's the same thing. Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

Did you have to have a. Do you have to have a cane? How do you. Because, you know, you have a wheelchair.

[Fiona Cauley]

Well, good question. Progressive. So I used to be an athlete before new. And then I walked weird. Like, kind of like, I'm drunk. I spoke. Still do speak that way because your tongue's a muscle.

[Theo Von]

Oh.

[Fiona Cauley]

And then I went into a cane phase when I was 21 because they wouldn't serve me at bars. And I was like, I gotta find a way to, like, show them. It's like, I'm not drunk. I was drunk, but I was, you know.

[Theo Von]

Did a lot of brothers hit on you when you had that cane?

[Fiona Cauley]

Honestly, I would go to bars, not bring the cane. And if a guy hit on me, I was like, that's a bad person, because I look like the drunkest person in this. But. Right. It was a litmus test.

[Theo Von]

You're just reporting people. At one point, did you. And did you and your sisters have canes? Because that's almost like a black prom. I feel like if you guys. If you guys had that.

[Fiona Cauley]

I did have, like, 14 to match every outfit. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's kind of hot.

[Fiona Cauley]

Thank you. Yeah, I have one that was like a sword cane. You unscrew the top and the sword came out.

[Theo Von]

Really? Oh, that's the one you definitely needed. Probably an Irish bar.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. I took it on every date, just in case, you know, I don't. With pepper spray. Just sword gains.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's. Dude, that's the British pepper spray, the sword cane. That's exactly what they're. That's exactly the wildest thing there is. That's unbelievable. Fiona K, thanks for joining us. Yeah, thanks for stopping by. I appreciate it. We. We got to do a show together not long ago that was at the lab, and that was really awesome. And. And I saw you're going to be on the Kill to. Are you on the Kill, Tony? The live from Texas. What's it called?

[Fiona Cauley]

Once Upon a Time in Texas? Yeah, the one that just came on Netflix.

[Theo Von]

That's you right there, right?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh, how crazy is that to see yourself on, like, kind of, like. Because stuff like this, I think, is kind of. It's not monumental, but it's interesting in a comic's career when they see themselves on, like, a Netflix poster. Something that gives us some semblance of what we deem as a lot of us deem as success. Was that interesting for you?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I mean, I'm grateful it put me on the poster. You know what I mean? But, yeah, I mean, being on Netflix, it's actually the second time with Guilt Tony I've been on then.

[Theo Von]

Oh, nice. I didn't know that.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. The other one was at Madison Square Garden.

[Theo Von]

Dude, that's wild. And they kind of. And they hid your legs, too, which is they.

[Fiona Cauley]

Which was nice. And then it grosses people out. They don't want to see this.

[Theo Von]

Oh, I bet a lot of dudes. I know some dudes who would for sure. And also, you think they could have had you sitting on his shoulder or something way funnier.

[Fiona Cauley]

I like that.

[Theo Von]

So you've been doing comedy for about five years. Okay. And was killed. Did Kill Tony feel like a big break for you? Like, what does that feel like? Because.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I would say so. I was. You know, I live in Nashville, so I was really just working Zanies, and I was starting to feature and whatever, and then I heard about Kill Tony and people. You should go on that. And I was like, okay. So it changed my life overnight.

[Theo Von]

Wow.

[Fiona Cauley]

Like, fully, you know, from like, 30,000 followers. And now I have, like, more than half a million. Are you kidding? Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Wow. Dude, kudos to Tony and Redman just for making that thing stick and thrive. And the years they went through it at the Comedy Store, where were times when it was big and times where it was kind of, like, in between buildings and, like, they were Switching it around. Even when they got to Austin, I think they went to three different places and they kept that thing alive. That's unbelievable. Was your first time there? What's it like when your first time there, did you know you were going to get up or was it.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, so he. Basically what happened was I didn't know what Kildoni was. I heard about it.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, because you're already, you know, you're already having health problems. Kill Tony sounds.

[Fiona Cauley]

It's like. Right. I'm like. I stay away from that word, you.

[Theo Von]

Know, it's like I'm not seeing another surgeon.

[Fiona Cauley]

You know, like, what's next? Kill Fiona. No, I. My.

[Theo Von]

Sorry, Am I joking too much or.

[Fiona Cauley]

No, no, I like it.

[Theo Von]

Okay. I thought you did. That's the only reason why I'm joking.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'll take it too far. You let me know.

[Theo Von]

Okay.

[Fiona Cauley]

Okay.

[Theo Von]

So you go there and for people that don't know, most of. Most of our listeners know, but Kill Tony, it's a. It's a show that's run by Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redband, and they basically bring in kind of newcomers. It's kind of the new Tonight show in a lot of ways. And they have regular guests on there. And. And a lot of people go in there and get their first minute. It's kind of their first minute that's in front of the Kill Tony crowd. And sometimes those minutes are amazing, and sometimes those minutes are very nerve wracking. I think they're probably nerve wracking no matter what. But. Yeah, take me through that minute. Like, what's that first minute on Kill Tony? What is it? What is that? Like, Especially for somebody that's had five years in comedy. Like, because you, you know, it's not some of these people that. It's their first time ever getting on stage.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And some people just hiding from their wives or something. Some people are hiding from ice for a minute.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

They're like, this is one minute away from ice. Right. They won't find me here, but. Yeah. Can you kind of take us through that?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. So it's very. It's stressful because it's not you. You realize it's not just the room you're in that's gonna see it. It's not just the 300 people. The platform is so big. So you're like, everything I do right now is gonna seem by millions of people like you're stressed, you know? And also the whole thing is like, the panel gets to be mean to you and the crowd loves that.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah. It's very Roman Coliseum.

[Fiona Cauley]

It feels the arena shows for Kill Tony feel. And I say that all the time.

[Theo Von]

Wow.

[Fiona Cauley]

And every time I go out in an arena show with them, I swear the prison right before me gets booed by the entire arena. And then I'm like, that's kind of nice.

[Theo Von]

Because then if somebody else has taken that L. Then you're like, could have been me.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Theo Von]

But it was them.

[Fiona Cauley]

I've been through enough.

[Theo Von]

Before. You went on the first time. Are you just. Are you, like, waiting in the wings? What's. What's the setup?

[Fiona Cauley]

Um, so I have. Cause I'm in a wheelchair. I have to, like, go around the building and get carried up these stairs.

[Theo Von]

By the dumpsters and stuff.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, yeah. It smells real bad, but it reminds you of your life, you know, So I like that. I'm grateful for sure. And. Yeah, they have you waiting back there. You smell like trash. You're looking at Heidi, the best looking woman I've ever seen in real life.

[Theo Von]

Oh, does she work on Kill Tony?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, you know, the beautiful blonde.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yes.

[Fiona Cauley]

Remember? She's very nice. Look at her. She got you joking.

[Theo Von]

I know. I'm not joking. Oh, wow. She looks like Gina Davis and she's got strong cheekbones. Looks like Gene Davis too, who used to play catcher for us when I was growing up, actually. Great kid. Italian, good guy.

[Fiona Cauley]

Like, I don't know.

[Theo Von]

No, she's stunning. I'm just joking. I'm sure she's on Kill Tony. She can take a couple of jokes. Do they joke about her a lot too?

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, yeah, she. She's very funny. Takes jokes very well.

[Theo Von]

I gotta go back on.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Cause the Heidi.

[Theo Von]

No. Well, it is funny that. Yeah. You show a cute girl.

[Fiona Cauley]

Gotta get there.

[Theo Von]

I gotta get back out there. It's like you could show a picture of the North Pole, and guys are like, that looks cold. I ain't doing that shit. And then you show a guy and you show just like a silhouette of some tits on the edge of a glacier. And some guy's like, man, we got to get back.

[Fiona Cauley]

I got to get back up there.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I got to warm up the old ice pick. And so as you're going along, like, dude, I cannot imagine how overwhelming that feels. It reminds me of I did a late night set one time for Craig Craig Ferguson. Yep. And it never aired because I think it was too edgy or something they said. And I was heartbroken, dude. I was like, oh, I worked so hard and put the set together, but that was Nerve wracking. That was like one of the most nerve wracking moments because you kind of know what you want to do, but you haven't been in this instance where like, there's like. For me, there was like a lot of heat would build up around my neck and you're. You want to make sure your words get out clearly. That was, that was. That was super frustrating for me. I know. You did a late night set. Did you do Fallon?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Which one? Congratulations, by the way. Was there any different feeling between those two things or did one feel easier?

[Fiona Cauley]

I think Fallon felt easier because he's not there to be mean to me.

[Theo Von]

That's a good point. But he's not hiding your wheelchair while you're up there. Like, Red Band will sell it on Etsy.

[Fiona Cauley]

Redbin. Just sell my seat cushion on this.

[Theo Von]

No, that's hilarious. And he would too, that guy. Dude, shout out Red Band. Who? People are like, well, what does he look like? You're like, let's say sniff a seat cushion. But very successful sniffs.

[Fiona Cauley]

See cushions for fun.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, for. That's true. For fun. I don't. Yeah, I don't think. He wouldn't maybe do it for profit.

[Fiona Cauley]

No, he doesn't need.

[Theo Von]

That's a good point.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

He's making good money, dude. There you are right there.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. And they let me plug the. The foundation to raise money for my disease. And that was cool.

[Theo Von]

What. Do you notice the differences between like doing a set on a. On Kill Tony and a set on Fallon? Because that's not. A lot of people have probably had that exact experience.

[Fiona Cauley]

The way, like for me or the way it exists in the world.

[Theo Von]

Just kind of the way it exists in the world.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. I think Fallon impressed my grandparents, which finally they're like, oh, she is a comedian. You know what I mean?

[Theo Von]

That's true.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. So that was like something my mom can send to people and be like, look at my daughter. But with Gil, Tony, they definitely have a bigger reach now. You know, late night is not the same, I think.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Because I think people just less people have cable, people are more tuned into their phones.

[Fiona Cauley]

Right. Kill Tony is definitely more divisive. Yeah. You know, and so people make a lot of assumptions about me through that there was. I don't know.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. It's more divisive. He almost sunk Puerto Rico. Remember that?

[Fiona Cauley]

That was crazy.

[Theo Von]

That was crazy, dude. And then they probably would have got sued. They would have lost the show. They would have changed the name to Kill Puerto Rico, probably. Which would have been A lot. I feel like, yeah, a lot of.

[Fiona Cauley]

People can't spell Puerto Rico.

[Theo Von]

But there is this thing, though, where it's like, yeah, you do a certain thing and people can see that and that appeases them. That's kind of an interesting thing as a comedian. I think it's kind of an interesting thing almost in anybody's walk of life with work, because you're like, oh, if I do this, then my dad, he'll understand that that to him equals success. Or to my grandparents, that to them equals success.

[Fiona Cauley]

Right. And it's different for everyone. But it. It's like this. I feel like part of being a comedian is being like. But there's always gonna be that one person that doesn't believe I'm doing anything real, and I have to prove it. That's just me.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I wonder if there's always like, somebody in the back of a comedian's head that, like, fuels them, right? They're like, one day I'll get that person. Or I bet there probably is. I bet there probably is for everybody. I bet it. It would be pretty fascinating to learn, like, what really fuels, like, some of the ways that we operate and the choices that we make. Because it could be like one or two people that said something when you were young, or one person's look that gave you a certain feeling, and you're like. And it's ignited this thing inside of you.

[Fiona Cauley]

The words, when you hold on to those two words that look, and they're like, I don't remember that. You're like, that dictated my future.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. You're like, I'd still be. I would have kept walking.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. I stopped walking because of that.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. That's crazy. Oh, dude, did you see that? What did I see the other day? Oh, they have an autistic Barbie now. Did you see that?

[Fiona Cauley]

I did see that.

[Theo Von]

Do people send a lot of that stuff to you?

[Fiona Cauley]

Like, hey, wheelchair Barbie.

[Theo Von]

Or just like, what do we think of this? Like, if there's some sort of like.

[Fiona Cauley]

Like, I'm like, the voice of reason for any dis.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, you're like the. What's that? You're like the. The show where the chairs turn around. What is that? Oh, you're like, yeah, you're like the voice for. For disabilities and stuff. People are like, hey, is this.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm not pushing my button. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh, autistic Barbie.

[Fiona Cauley]

That ain't getting, like, headphones on her. Cool.

[Theo Von]

But those aren't headphones. I think those are just noise cancelling ear muffs. Oh, yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I think, I think those are.

[Theo Von]

Just those things that help autistic people kind of operate. They used to do earmuffs and now they kind of made them fancy or something.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, made him fashion.

[Theo Von]

Mattel is introducing an autistic Barbie as the newest member of its line, intended to celebrate diversity. Developed in partnership with a non profit organization that advocates for the rights and better media representation of people with autism.

[Fiona Cauley]

I think I find that kind of weird though, because autism isn't visible generally. It's like how you. It's how you function and it's a Barbie. So couldn't any Barbie be autistic?

[Theo Von]

First of all, I've met a lot of Barbies in the world and these are missing something.

[Fiona Cauley]

That's true.

[Theo Von]

Okay. A lot of these are picking up odd signals, you know, a lot of times from like a Hermes or something. They're like, oh, I just got a update from an Hermes somewhere or something, which is like a fancy shop. Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

I show up on Amazon. I'm sorry.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, sorry. Yeah, that was maybe a bad reference.

[Fiona Cauley]

Why is she Hispanic.

[Theo Von]

And is there Hispanic autism? Look it up. Who's got the most autism?

[Fiona Cauley]

Feels like a white people sport.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, well, white people create any new sport to try and like, like keep away from having to compete against black folks.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, Anything we can do? Yeah, it's like, oh, my disease is only white people.

[Theo Von]

Your disease is only white people. Let's go. I like that. And we barely landed that fist bump, but let's go.

[Fiona Cauley]

Does it matter?

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Oh, sorry, Barb. Yeah, they should have. They should. Dude, you should have a Barbie. That'd be so great. Fiona. Barbie. Based on the most recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and prevention published in April 2025, Asian Pacific Islander children and American Indian Alaska Native children had the highest reported prevalence of autism. So Asians. But they were gonna have it. Dude, you can like a lot of Asians that I knew and that have been known over the years by people, it seems like a lot more is going on inside than outside. And I feel like if you get. You put too much traffic on those inner streets, you're going to end up bumper to bumper in there. And that's, I feel like where autism really shows up. And that's not a scientific definition of autism, but a lot of Asian people, you just want to go up to them and be like, what are you doing in there? You know, especially in my generation because they were very quiet. You would rarely get a word out of an. Out of a Asian guy.

[Fiona Cauley]

How many Asian People did.

[Theo Von]

You know, growing up, we had one we didn't have. Well, we almost had one. We had. Yeah, dude. There was a rumor that there was an Asian guy. Well, here's what happened. There was a rumor that there was an Asian guy in this town near. Near us called Slidell, Louisiana. And it was like 17 miles away. So me and my buddy Scotty and some other guys, we cut grass for like three weeks and saved up money to go see this guy. Dude, we don't know when we're getting. Yeah, we don't know when we're getting another one, dude. And so we get over there and here's what had happened. A Pizza Hut. Remember they had those unique rooftops had burned down to the ground and people had started saying that an Asian person was living in there. It was like just a myth or whatever. Bring up that Pizza roof. Bring up pizza. Pizza Hut, Red roof. That one. So imagine that completely down on the ground. Now imagine you don't know a lot of information, okay? Now imagine somebody tells you there's an Asian living in there.

[Fiona Cauley]

You got me? I'm with you.

[Theo Von]

And that's what happened. That word traveled to us and we went over there and all it was was a burnt down Pizza Hut. But that's something that happened. It's like you never know what can happen if there's fire, if there's foul play.

[Fiona Cauley]

What did you think was going to happen if you found an Asian person in the hut?

[Theo Von]

We didn't know there would be a hut. We thought it would be like a place of living. We thought it would be a. I don't know, a lean to whatever. We had no idea what an Asian lives in or whatever. An egg. You know what I'm saying? We had no idea of what it could be. We just knew if we get there, we'll see him and. And we didn't. Fool's gold or fool's yellow.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, my God.

[Theo Von]

So that's too much. That's too much.

[Fiona Cauley]

I love that.

[Theo Von]

But dude, I wonder what the bar, The Barbies. Like, I wonder if the Barbies are low key. Like the Simpsons, where over the years they've slowly been predicting the future. Like, because they had like.

[Fiona Cauley]

They definitely have wheelchair Barbie.

[Theo Von]

They did.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Everyone sends me that. But I want.

[Theo Von]

Everyone sends you that?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And what do they say? Do you want this for Christmas? Or whatever. That's crazy.

[Fiona Cauley]

I mean, it's been going on since before I was a comedian. Like random people would send me.

[Theo Von]

Just thinking of you or something.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I'm like Thank you. Thank you. My hands don't work. I can't look at them. Oh, they have down syndrome. Barbie.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's cool.

[Fiona Cauley]

Interesting.

[Theo Von]

I guess you could. I mean, look at the. I mean, look at the group up there and the black girl does her hair like that to keep it out of the wheels or whatever. It's like, this is great, right? It's great stuff. But some of this stuff, I just wonder, are they. I guess it's just all about inclusion. There are a lot of people that are facing different, like disabilities or. Or handicaps. Do you say handicaps? What do you. What do you. What do you.

[Fiona Cauley]

What's kind of the preference? I actually recently learned it's. It's person by person. All people feel different. But for me, I prefer like disability disabled. I think handicap is like a hand, like a thing. Like a handicap parking spot or stall, you know?

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Or handicapped placard, like that thing that people hang.

[Fiona Cauley]

Like it's like an item. But I'm a person with a disability.

[Theo Von]

Do you use handicap? And he kept parking.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's worth it.

[Theo Von]

It's worth it. I've been dealing with a nightmare recently. It was an online nightmare, which are some of the worst these days. It was a subscription to something, some service, an ad blocker or something. It was 1999, a month, and I didn't start it with my email, but it was attached to my PayPal. And so you know how hectic that can be. Thankfully, Rocket Money came along and saved the day. That's true. Rocket Money. It's a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. Yes, it does. And it monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money can help you track and cancel unwanted subscriptions within the app with just a few taps, saving time and avoiding charges. It can also help you set budgets and goals, get you personalized insights and regular reports, and even receive real time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] Theo that's RocketMoney.com T H E O RocketMoney.com Theo this show is sponsored by Liquid IV. Sometimes I get off stage and I'm a little bit, you know, I'm a little bit shook. I'm a little bit. Yeah, you feel me? But I go backstage, I crack open a packet of Liquid IV I poured into my water, I close it up, I shake it up, and I'm Doused baby. I'm hydrated, and I'm back to feeling like I can be social and be myself. Just one stick and 16 ounces of water hydrates better than water alone. I'm talking about Liquid iv, powered by Liv Hydro Science. An optimized ratio of electrolytes, essential vitamins, and clinically tested nutrients that turn ordinary water into extraordinary hydration. Show up with better hydration and energy from Liquid IV. Zero sugar and zero crash. Tear poor, live more. Go to Liquid IV.com and get 20% off your first order with Code Theo at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with code [e-mail]. what are some of the things that people don't realize? And I'm sorry if some of this is just, like, general questions you probably get all the time. What are some things that people don't realize about dealing with a disability or having an affliction that. That people kind of take for granted? That's, like, super easy. And then what are some things that are kind of nice about it? Because I was at a parade not long ago, and I was. And this is up. And I was like, God, I. I. If I were in a wheelchair, I could sit down right now. And I totally thought of that because I've been standing for, like, four hours, and I was like, oh, and my friend lost his dog at a parade. And, dude, this is the worst thing. He lost it, and it ran into, like, a gay section of the parade, right? Like, along the parade route. So we're walking up, and I'm like, oh, man. Like, I love gay people, you know, but I love them at a. You know, I don't want to be in there loving him or whatever, end up getting coked out or whatever. So. But when that dog ran into there, I'm like, dude, we cannot go. Like, most of the people were shirtless and just like, be like, everybody's on ecstasy, right? And I'm with my buddy. He's like, dude, we have to fucking find him. He's like, he's lost in here. And his dog's name, this is the worst part, is named Benjamin, right? So he's like, is Benjamin. He's just yelling Benjamin in this gay rave, dude. And my buddy's kind of like a.

[Fiona Cauley]

Handsome guy, dude, and he's, like, whistling. Benjamin.

[Theo Von]

And even. Sometimes even just the man part, some people wouldn't turn at the Benja, but at the men, they would just flip around. Oh, that was a nightmare, bro. And he lost his dog for, like, a week. And then somebody brought it back.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, my God.

[Theo Von]

That was a blessing.

[Fiona Cauley]

Dog can beg. Gay.

[Theo Von]

The dog's like. He had like, he hit his bone. He hit like, half of it's poking out of his butt. He's like, you'll never guess where I hid that thing.

[Fiona Cauley]

That's very funny.

[Theo Von]

Dogs can absolutely so show same sex, sexual and bonding behavior. But scientists are cautious about calling that being gay. In the human identity scene. I think that makes sense. Some dogs will mildly hump another dog. But it's almost just like two guys at the gym that keep high fiving or because they don't know how to express themselves verbally. Yeah, that's kind of how I look at that. Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

I thought it was just a dominance thing.

[Theo Von]

The sex part, the humping. I could see that because I guess it's dominant between male and female. It's like a man will, like, at one men.

[Fiona Cauley]

Hey, when you hump them. Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what.

[Theo Von]

What? Oh, you can have Celsius. Oh, hell yeah. But does that make, like. Have you ever had so much. You're just like, I'm out of here.

[Fiona Cauley]

Like, Kool Aid. Man myself through.

[Theo Von]

Sorry. She said, I like Kool Aid. Man myself out of the room. They're great. Or whatever. Why did all those cartoons just break down walls and furniture? That was fucking crazy.

[Fiona Cauley]

I don't know. Fucking handyman watching that, like, nodding.

[Theo Von]

Dude. The guys had one cup of Kool Aid and he just ruined mom's kitchen.

[Fiona Cauley]

What is in this? Oh, man.

[Theo Von]

What were some of the first times whenever, like your. Whenever Friedrich's attacks, you came on. What were some of the early signs? And did you misplace it for something else?

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, this is good. So when I was 15, it started. I started walking weird. I was a volleyball player and I couldn't do, like, the practices would do. Suicide. You know what I mean?

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

And I would start, like, falling a little bit, just getting clumsy. My coach was like, you're, you know, not taking this seriously. Thought I was high.

[Theo Von]

Did they bench you?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. And so I.

[Theo Von]

Which is where you were going to end up anyway, which is they were.

[Fiona Cauley]

Just getting me prepared for my future. They were like, sit down. You should be real good at this. Oh, man, that's so good.

[Theo Von]

And did your parents pick up on it pretty quick? I mean, how did that kind of go?

[Fiona Cauley]

Does it make you so mad?

[Theo Von]

It is.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Maybe.

[Theo Von]

Why were your parents drinking and stuff? Were they having a tough time?

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, well, yeah. Yeah. But no. So 15, I was like, something's wrong. My principal was, like, smelling my breath because she thought I was drunk. I would spill everything, drop everything, or talk to her. I get it.

[Theo Von]

And the red hair, too, probably.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

That's like, number one indicator. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

You're St. Patrick's daughter in here.

[Fiona Cauley]

Something was wrong. Yeah. And then I went to my mom, and I was like, I think I need to go to the doctor. I don't know what, but something. And my older sister had health issues that weren't this. But, like, different stuff.

[Theo Von]

And so my mom was like, acne or whatever.

[Fiona Cauley]

Well, yeah, but, like, scoliosis.

[Theo Von]

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Wow.

[Theo Von]

And that's so dude. And I'm. I'm very sorry. God. And that shows what, like. Like, that shows what like somebody who doesn't have to deal with a common ailment thinks of is like.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, that's actually so real. No, I love it. But she was like, you're copying your sister. Because my sister walked where. But we blamed it on other stuff, and I had nothing wrong with me. And then I kind of got in trouble for faking it by my family a lot and yada, yada. Then once I turned 18, it was my senior year of high school.

[Theo Von]

She had to go that long dealing with it. And would it always be there or was just. Is it just kind of every now.

[Fiona Cauley]

And then getting worse? Yeah, it was always all the time. I didn't know why. Like, I used to get in trouble because I would. There was, like, an elevator in the school for, like, people that broke their legs or whatever, and I would use it, and I got detention all the time because I would fall down the stairs all the time, and I didn't know why.

[Theo Von]

Sorry. I'm not laughing. There's something wrong with my face and voice box. Oh, that's insane. And did you. Was part of you still unsure, too? Because I'm sure if a lot of your surroundings are like, nah, you're just not figuring this out correctly. Was part of you still kind of unsure, too?

[Fiona Cauley]

Like, well, I. My. I was gaslit, like crazy. I fully thought I had a mental issue and I was making this all up. Like, I really. I just wanted an answer. I fully believed it was something I could get fixed before I went to college. Like, I did not think it would be this serious.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

So at 18, I went. I took myself to a neurologist. I eventually ended up at a neurologist, but I had to involve my mom in that. And she was like, fine. But, like, this has to be the End of the road for the. Like, they were so sick of me being like, something's wrong, you know? And then I was right. And then they were like, oh, my God, what's wrong with your sister? They got her tested same. And my little brother, a year and a half ago, got tested, and he has it too big and still walk, so.

[Theo Von]

So you cracked the code. Really?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. I ruined our family.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

It's another way of saying that. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

If you never figure it out, you're just a bunch of. Of people who.

[Fiona Cauley]

You like to weeble wobble.

[Theo Von]

You're just a bunch of people who just break out into the Electric Slide every now and then. You're just doing the Cupid Shuffle. Your mom's like, stop Cupid shuffling. Wow. And so was that, like, was that almost. Was that, like, a real breakthrough moment for your family? Like, oh, my God, this is what's been going on and for your sisters as well?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, my mom felt so bad.

[Theo Von]

Oh.

[Fiona Cauley]

Like, cried. And, you know, because she had been telling me I was wrong, and I was just excited to be right. So I didn't even, like, hear under. I was 18. I didn't get the seriousness of it. And I was like, you for you, you know, like, I'm celebrating that she was wrong and I was right.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, yeah. I'm a vape.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, dude. Did they think it Was that ever part of it? Like, oh, you're just vaping too much or whatever.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. I smoked a lot of weed in high school, too. I partied a lot. And then I got diagnosed and I partied even more. I was like, what's the point of all this?

[Theo Von]

Oh, did you go through a point where you were, like, depressed about life and stuff?

[Fiona Cauley]

Six, seven years?

[Theo Von]

No way. Yeah. Oh.

[Fiona Cauley]

It was hard to find a reason. I was like, why am I in college now? Like, I don't have a future.

[Theo Von]

Right. Like, I'm not going to be a farmer like a pharmacist. But. But. But I guess you could still think. I mean, do you think, looking back on that, that there was different ways you could have gone with that thought process or just kind of. That's just where you were? Because I think. But it's tough for somebody. Just imagine what they would be like in that scenario.

[Fiona Cauley]

I think.

[Theo Von]

I'm sorry to go through that. That's hectic.

[Fiona Cauley]

Hey, it builds character if you make it out, you know, And I'm grateful for that. I wouldn't be who I am today. I have more perspective now than I think most. 29 year olds do probably. I don't know. I think it's important when you're given something that's serious and kind of life altering to like, allow your. Myself to mourn because I'm mourning what I thought I had. Right. And I'm trying to, like, get accustomed to what I know I'm going to have or not have in the future, you know, and humans, we are, we adapt. I'm fine. People feel bad for me and I'm like, you brought tickets to my show. I'm. I'm doing all right, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm happy.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I've never felt bad for you. I mean, I guess. Yeah. I guess some people probably could get in a space where they feel bad. I feel bad that you felt that way. I feel bad. That's such a. That's heart, that's heart wrenching for somebody to, I think, have something that occurs in their life and then feel like maybe when you look back on that feeling, are you able to think like, did you feel like you didn't have, like, a lot of hope or did you feel like, was it like, woe is me and all those things are normal? I could imagine would be very normal to feel.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I think hope because before that I was pretty religious for a while. I really. I believe in God. Not, not religious, but I was like, spiritual. I believe in a higher power. And that happened. And it kind of took the air out of all of it for me. And I was like, what I do, you know, I haven't even had time to like, get the karma for this kind of information, you know? I'm sorry, what was the question? I really forgot where I was going.

[Theo Von]

I think just thinking about what it's like to have a prognosis like that and then to think about or. Yeah. What it's like to have something come into your life that's big and that affects you in such a way. And then to look back and think, like, yeah, what was I thinking at that moment? Was I depressed? Was I hopeless? Or did I doubt Hope? I thought it was interesting that you said, like, we mourn things. I know that's something that I don't do well these days in my life is take time to mourn things. Like, even if it's just kind of like something heavy happens, you know, it's like I'll just get back on my phone or I'll find something to distract me.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And when I'm distracting myself, even just my eyes and my, My, my focus, I'm Distracting my ability to process through, through, through some of those things, you know? But yeah, to mourn something is like that. It's almost like driving by an old house or something or driving by a place you used to live at or like even a snake. When he sheds his skin, I bet he probably looks back at least once.

[Fiona Cauley]

And is like, damn, I used to be that.

[Theo Von]

There's the old Buick.

[Fiona Cauley]

That was cool. Just like that. So go with wheelchairs that don't work anymore.

[Theo Von]

It's like, yeah. He looks back, he's like, oh, I can't believe I used to wear Skechers. He just keeps moving along.

[Fiona Cauley]

Then.

[Theo Von]

When, when you would have. And are we talking too much about your, your ailment stuff?

[Fiona Cauley]

I don't care.

[Theo Von]

Okay. Because I think it's fascinating to me. I know that you had a series that was called or that had a series on YouTube and it's called Capable.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Right. How have you been able to grab comedy out of, out of some of these different moments and, and things that you see? Because you probably have such a unique perspective on the world that that's probably something that's honestly kind of amazing is like your perspective on society and the way that we operate has got to be super interested.

[Fiona Cauley]

It is weird. That's funny. I did Capable before comedy. And so like writing that and like it wasn't even writing it. I just feel like this happened the other day. I want to reenact it. Like all of it's true. Like in my comedy it's all true too. Like I don't have to make stuff up. But like, it's hard because you don't want all your jokes to be like, wheelchair, wheelchair. But it's like I experience everything from this vantage point. You know, you talk about like I walked into the room. Stop talking about walking.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah, you're right. No, you're right. Well, I think it's also, it is a fascinating vantage point though, because it's a vantage point that a lot of people don't get, that a lot of people don't experience or probably till they get older.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Or certain or, or some. Most people probably don't. Yeah. Has there ever been like an Uber that like they see you and they kind of shake you off? Like a picture, like a, like a picture that gets like a pitch called in from the catcher or whatever and you just kind of like, we're not doing it.

[Fiona Cauley]

I, I've had so many Uber drivers now I'll like hide and have my able bodied friends go to the Car and open the door, and they'll be like, you know, because they'll just drive off. That happens so much. One time I had Uber. Oh, wait, this is crazy. I forgot about this.

[Theo Von]

Okay.

[Fiona Cauley]

I did. Okay. There used to be a show, or maybe still exists, called Stone Cold Sober, and it's like teams of three comics against each other. And one of you is drunk. One stone, one sober. Right. So I'm on that show, and it's, like, four years ago.

[Theo Von]

And which one are you on it?

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm the drunk one.

[Theo Von]

Okay.

[Fiona Cauley]

Okay. I'm pretty good at that. And. But because I knew I was drinking, and they don't give you free drinks, so I drank at my house before I Ubered there. I get the lady Uber driver. Her trunk is full, so we have to put my chair in her back seat. My neighbor, ask him, do it, because she won't do it. She's, like, whacked out.

[Theo Von]

She's an autistic Barbie.

[Fiona Cauley]

Worse. So much worse. She. I don't know. She was, like, on drugs. I could not recognize kind of thing.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's always kind of fun.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I'm, like, trying to Google it. Smell. It's real hard.

[Theo Von]

You're like, Googling bath salts.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm, like.

[Theo Von]

Holding JPEGs up, too.

[Fiona Cauley]

So I just send the passengers frenzy. And she's crazy. Car smells weird. She's swerving. It's not good. And I'm, like, stressed out. And she's ranting. I'm kind of just, like, pushed up against the side of the car trying to ignore.

[Theo Von]

What? Something was wrong with her vagina?

[Fiona Cauley]

You think she was talking about Jesus sent her to Nashville from California to save all of us from the liberals. Oh, yeah. So thankful for her.

[Theo Von]

No, I'm glad she's here. Yeah, I'm glad. I'm glad. Christopher Columbus. Yeah. I was gonna try to make a joke, but my brain doesn't work good anymore.

[Fiona Cauley]

Any I'm rubbing up on you. It's not good.

[Theo Von]

Dude, if I catch this, I'll be so bad. Oh, no. Take us through. Take us through the story, though, because that is unbelievable. When you get in a thing, you're like, oh, my God. Now I'm at the whims of it. If this lady sees one person dressed up in a Civil War outfit, she's going to hit him with a vehicle, you know?

[Fiona Cauley]

And. Okay, so she's ranting about this. She's swerving. I mean, we're still in my neighborhood, and she's almost hitting parked cars. I'm like, hey, girl, please, look, the road. You know, she's yelling at me.

[Theo Von]

You're trying to use female associative tones.

[Fiona Cauley]

Hey, girlfriend, what you doing? Hey, Queen, there's a car. Hey, Queen, red light. No. And she talking about how the liberals are trying to take her gun.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, okay, well, that could be true, but. Yeah, but not the time.

[Fiona Cauley]

Everyone's trying to take your guns. I don't think it's.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's true. I agree. That's a great point. Yeah, that's a great point. Everybody's trying to take it these days.

[Fiona Cauley]

But then I'm not. I'm literally just like, you know? And we're on the interstate, and she is raining. About the gun thing. Opens the glove box in front of me, pulls the gun out.

[Theo Von]

Sorry.

[Fiona Cauley]

This is so easy. And again, remember, I am drunk. I'm drunk. And this woman swerving.

[Theo Von]

She's like a liangelo ball fan or something.

[Fiona Cauley]

But, like, she's not, like, threatening to shoot me. It's more like. See, I. They can't take it, like, making a point.

[Theo Von]

Like, they'll never find it here, right in this glove box, which is probably just an extension of her.

[Fiona Cauley]

Right? She pulled out. No. And then I'm, like, not looking at her because I'm crying a little bit. You know, it's just girl stuff.

[Theo Von]

And she's like, oh, are you on your period? And you're like, no, I'm not on my period. There's an insane.

[Fiona Cauley]

She was like, oh, my God, we're synced up.

[Theo Von]

I know. She's like, 11. 11. Make a wish. Did you wish for more ovulation? Okay, this is getting insane.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, so sorry. I'm being said to Scorpio. Oh, man. But I'm not looking at her because I don't want her. See, I'm panicking, and so she pokes me in the arm with the.

[Theo Von]

No. Oh, my God. That's probably. Did she know that you couldn't feel it if she poked you in the legs?

[Fiona Cauley]

She wanted to make sure I could.

[Theo Von]

She wanted to make sure you could feel it.

[Fiona Cauley]

And then. So I'm like. I'm like, what is happening? I haven't told that story in so long.

[Theo Von]

Do you tell this on stage?

[Fiona Cauley]

No, I told on stage once.

[Theo Von]

You've got to tell this on stage. This is one of the best stories ever to me. But go on. Sorry.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, my God. Okay, so I'm panicking. She's got the gun. I'm just.

[Theo Von]

And she's still driving.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yes. And she's just Kind of waving around. Hey, look at me. Hey. Yeah. Again, not threatening to shoot me. Just.

[Theo Von]

Right.

[Fiona Cauley]

Just Got it.

[Theo Von]

Got it.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Theo Von]

That Mommy's strapped and she got that Draco on her. And are you. And what are y' all listening to?

[Fiona Cauley]

It's quiet.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yes.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I'm just listening to her. I hadn't even thought about that. It was totally quiet. Quiet.

[Theo Von]

That's the best. When people play too much music or. And this is an all call. This is from me. And it's just my thoughts. These are my thoughts. If you're an Uber driver or somebody that works in, like, operating, like, Tran. What? Transportation. That sort of thing. If you keep that thing on, that's like, right turn in seven seconds. That. I will never tip somebody. If they have that on. Turn that thing off. Have just. At least just look at the drawing.

[Fiona Cauley]

The worst is when they ask what music you want to do. Turn it on. And then that interrupts every 20 seconds.

[Theo Von]

And you're like, the music does.

[Fiona Cauley]

No, the.

[Theo Von]

Oh, they interrupted to talk.

[Fiona Cauley]

The sound.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah. It's all. Anyway, I ruined your story. Let's go. So you guys are rolling together.

[Fiona Cauley]

So I'm. I'm trying to be chill because I don't want to freak her out.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. You know for sure she is again.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Theo Von]

She has a gun and she's driving you somewhere. Yeah. You don't want to freak out your captor.

[Fiona Cauley]

I guess that's exactly what you. So I'm. There's like, a group text for the show I'm headed to, and so I'm like, I'm scared at the venue. My Uber driver has a gun. I'm like, live texting. All the gods are like, sorry, not there. I don't think anyone believed me.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

And then there was one girl in the group text that I didn't know at that time, and she was like, oh, my God, I'm hurrying to the venue. I'll try to meet you there. And I was like, please, please, please. We're three minutes away. Two minutes, you know? Oh, I get there and no one's there. I. I am so panicked. And again, my wheelchair is in the backseat and I'm wearing shoes like these with heels.

[Theo Von]

I. I didn't mean to make that sound. I meant. Yes, those are nice. Sorry. That was insane. Your husband's in here. And I. I think I. My body just didn't know what sounded do. Those are nice. Carry on. Here, go.

[Fiona Cauley]

My body didn't know with it.

[Theo Von]

Well, I think it just picked the Wrong sound. I. It's been a tough. It's been a tough year. Okay. It's only January. I know.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm like, damn. Damn.

[Theo Von]

Okay, okay, tell us what happened.

[Fiona Cauley]

So we pull up. No one's there. I'm freaking out.

[Theo Von]

Nobody's there. So now she thinks, oh, this bitch got me running around in circles around me.

[Fiona Cauley]

I swear, I'm so full of adrenaline, I jump out of the car and pull my own wheelchair out.

[Theo Von]

Wow.

[Fiona Cauley]

So, like, gun to my head, I can walk.

[Theo Von]

You can make it happen.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Gosh, that's a lot. That's crazy. She pulled that Draco out that glove box.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Like, really insane. That scared me. So then I got weirder, though.

[Theo Von]

You have weirder stories in that the same night. Nuh.

[Fiona Cauley]

Well, do you want to go there?

[Theo Von]

Carry on.

[Fiona Cauley]

Okay. So I. I do. I show up at the venue. I'm like, hyperventilating, crying, you know, Like, I'm inside, I'm safe, but I'm panicking.

[Theo Von]

Very scary.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. And everyone's like, oh, my God. And I go to the bar because that sobered me up. And I'm. I don't know. I was like, I'm gonna get drunk. I don't know what. What's happening.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I don't know what else to do. I'm a human, right? Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm freaking out. I'm alone. I was single at the time, so I didn't, like, have anyone to be like, please come get me, you know? And so I go to the bar at their ghost, and this married couple who I had met at the airport in Las Vegas a couple months back were there because I'd posted online.

[Theo Von]

Oh. And they came to the show. Oh, that's pretty cool.

[Fiona Cauley]

And they were like. I told them because they were the only ones I knew, kinda. And they were like, oh, my God. And they're buying me a bunch of drinks. So I do this show, I bomb, and.

[Theo Von]

Well, yeah, you had freaking Stockholm syndrome.

[Fiona Cauley]

What do you mean?

[Theo Von]

You bombed. You were basically the Elizabeth Smart of comedy that night. You didn't bomb. You did your best. I feel like after a. After being held hostage and. What kind of car was it? Do you remember a.

[Fiona Cauley]

Like a Nissan Ultima?

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude, Nissan Ultimas. People have given birth in those more than any other vehicle in the past.

[Fiona Cauley]

10 years in this country. Given dead, then. White one. Yep.

[Theo Von]

That is the purgatory of existence. Dude. If you're in a Nissan Altima, things are headed.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Up or down.

[Fiona Cauley]

You're not doing great.

[Theo Von]

You're at a. You are at a confluence in your life. You're at a. You're at a fork in the road. You're at a fork in the road, dude.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, my God.

[Theo Von]

Okay, so a couple's buying you shots are from Vegas.

[Fiona Cauley]

So I do this show afterwards because I had told them about the. I was scared to Uber, you know, and so they were like, we'll drive you home. And I was like, okay, thank you. And they get me in their car, but, you know, and they go, hey, before we take you home, we want you to come to this bar with us first. And I was like, okay. And so we go to some bar. I'm pretty drunk, okay. And I get carried upstairs to a VIP area by some security guy.

[Theo Von]

It sounds almost like Cinderella.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, Rapunzel. Yeah, all of them.

[Theo Von]

Well, you might have to rappel down, too.

[Fiona Cauley]

So who knows? Rappel is just falling for me. Belle's a nice way to know. And then, I don't know, I'm just sitting in my wheelchair, not approaching anyone, just kind of drinking, like, quietly. I'm freaked out. It's a private party. I don't know who anyone is. They all have face tattoos. Like, it looks. Looked like a biker gang, maybe. Like, I didn't care, though.

[Theo Von]

Like, it might have been Jelly Roll doing one of those Booty Boot Camp classes or whatever. He does some of those halfway house Booty Boot Camp classes, I think, but go on. Sorry I'm ruining your story.

[Fiona Cauley]

No. And, you know, someone's just giving me a new drink every time mine's gone. It's the Kennedy treatment, you know?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, the Kennedy treatment.

[Fiona Cauley]

And. And I realized there's one guy everyone's, like, trying to talk to. So I'm like, must be his party, you know? And he comes up to me at, like, 2am and he's like, hey, we're having an after party at my, like, apartment or whatever, if you want to come. What's your name? I was like, I'm Fiona. What's yours? And he was like, you can call me Michael. And I was like, okay. And so, Michael, Biblical name, good sign. Michael has a Michael Myers. Was he wearing a mask? Is that Michael Myers?

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

Hell, yeah. I get stuff. He cares. He has his security carrying me down. And we're all. It's like his posse and me and Michael. He goes on Instagram story. I'm in the video, and the married couple's being weird to me, and the wife keeps trying to, like, get on my lap. And Michael didn't like that. And so we had a security kick them out. And so we get to his apartment. The elevator opens to his apartment. Oh, that's like, money. I had never seen that kind of money.

[Theo Von]

That's rich.

[Fiona Cauley]

There was, like, motorcycles inside. It's huge. And he has, like, chef and a bartender.

[Theo Von]

Is it Michael Strahan? Carry on.

[Fiona Cauley]

So I'm in.

[Theo Von]

Two more guesses.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm in there. I'm in there. And there is one guy that was at the third ghost show that was tagging along for some reason. He was like, a ballerina.

[Theo Von]

Literally, it sounds like. But let's go on. Sorry. I know your husband's in here. Hope everybody's with y'. All. God. He's a ballerina's a male ballerina. Oh, yeah. I used to live with a guy. He wasn't in ballerina. What was he, like one of those frozen baller? He was an ice skater. He was. This dude was a mixed dude, too.

[Fiona Cauley]

Wait, this guy was Mexican?

[Theo Von]

Your guy was Mexican? Yeah, my guy was mixed black and white.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, God.

[Theo Von]

Or black and. Or white and something.

[Fiona Cauley]

Okay.

[Theo Von]

And. Yeah. But he would. Every now and then, he would have a couple drinks, and he would take us outside. He never wanted us to see his craft or whatever. That's what he would say all the times. He wouldn't invite us to any of his performances or whatever. But every now and then, he'd get drunk, and he'd take us outside, and he would jump sideways over a car. And it was pretty amazing to watch him do it. Anyway, carry on. It's just some mix guy that. That I shared an apartment with for a month. Let's go. Sorry. Not. Let's go. I'm enjoying the story. So you're there. It's nice. There's, like, fancy stuff, outdoor stuff that should be inside. That's when somebody's rich, when they have, like, a car in the living room or they have motorcycles.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm like, how'd this get up here? When they make you think about it.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. And all the girls, they're very good, though, gang. I was like, why the Am I here? At, like, blonde, big fake boobs, like everyone, Beautiful covered tattoo.

[Theo Von]

And this is in Nashville. Wow.

[Fiona Cauley]

And I'm like, I still don't know where I am. And Michael feeding me drinks, too, but he was like, are you hungry? And he had someone make me pasta and pizza, and there's, like, a video of him feeding it to me.

[Theo Von]

Really?

[Fiona Cauley]

And then he put his number in my phone, and then I had the ballerina drive me home.

[Theo Von]

Wow.

[Fiona Cauley]

And then the next morning, I wake up to like, 60 missed phone calls from my friends being like, like, are you alive? Because apparently I was all over this guy's Instagram story and stuff. Do you know who Yellow Wolf is? It was him.

[Theo Von]

Really?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. He, like, saved me that night.

[Theo Von]

He saved you from the swingers? Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that was sweet of him.

[Fiona Cauley]

And he, like, made sure it was okay. He was very nice. I have not seen him since then.

[Theo Von]

Wow. I saw him. We hung out one night in Los Angeles. I got to check in with him. I haven't talked to him in a while. We kind of. I think he. I think he lives in Nashville or.

[Fiona Cauley]

He did, yeah, at that time.

[Theo Von]

He's had some great songs over the years. Yeah, dude, we used to jam his shit heavy. We used to definitely. Oh, dude. Being white and being like, like them and then just replace just who anybody could be them, you know. Dude, we would listen to his a lot. Dude. Mostly was against, like, rich people or whatever.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I never was. I never really liked the rich, really. You know, because we had a ditch in our yard, right. And it wasn't our yard or whatever. I think the government owned it. Somebody owned it, whatever. We didn't. But in our neighborhood, people would burn trash. That's how they got rid of trash, you know, so people just burn trash in the ditch. Because a lot of times people would forget to get it out to the curb or sometimes people didn't have the cans or whatever. You know, people just always be burning trash in the ditch. And we'd be running and jumping through the soot all the time. Right. So we'd. So from 50ft away, we look like a group of young African American children, you know? Or blacks.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And anyway, that's not even part of the story. That's just something that happened a lot.

[Fiona Cauley]

Not.

[Theo Von]

But what happened was rich people. There was a rich guy who was a veterinarian or whatever, and he would drive to our neighborhood and he would take like, dead animals and stuff out of the trunk and he would throw their bodies out into our, like, ditch and like, just like getting rid of them on the way to, like, some other rich area or whatever, you know, because our. Our street was like a pass through between a couple rich areas, kind of. And so they would just. That like. So it always made me angry at.

[Fiona Cauley]

Rich people because what type of dead animal?

[Theo Von]

Dogs. Things that had died, I think of just that had been put dogs. Sorry. And that's the worst one.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, my God.

[Theo Von]

I could have said any Other one and hold on. He wasn't, he wasn't like some dogster or whatever, like. Or like a Dexter. I mean, sorry, but he, he wasn't. He was a youth and he was a veterinarian and I think he was having to put these animals to sleep. And some of them, they would dispose of. You know, this wasn't a time when people would keep their dog. This was the time when a lot of dogs weren't in inside.

[Fiona Cauley]

I feel like you're like. To me, like, I'm a little good. Because you're like, no, you know what? They're. They're at the farm.

[Theo Von]

Oh, no. Yeah, they're safe.

[Fiona Cauley]

They're all alive now, actually.

[Theo Von]

They're in a special area. But he would get rid of some of the carcasses and stuff in our neighborhood. And I think when I was a kid that was like a rich guy because it was a nice car. So I think I associated like, oh, rich people are like that. Like they just throw out the junk for poor people to deal with, you know, and we're out here and then we'd end up throwing bones at each other. And after it would like decay or whatever. Well, we didn't know. We didn't. We didn't have it. Nobody in our neighborhood had a dog. We didn't have a dog. We had like a couple of dangerous dogs that would travel around the neighborhood and attack people for no reason. Well, we didn't have any, like, semblance of them. Yeah, yeah. None of my friends had dogs. Had a dangerous Doberman. Nobody I knew had a cat. Growing up. There were some cats that lived outside. Yeah. And were up to very bad things. Okay. And obviously work for the Satan.

[Fiona Cauley]

Okay.

[Theo Von]

There's no denying that they work for the Satan. And yeah. So, yeah, people were not. Nobody was anti animal in our area. But that wasn't something that people had on a regular basis. I remember the first time I went to my friend's house and they had an indoor dog and it was a golden retriever. Which first of all, how nice that you have so much gold. You can have an animal. Just go get some of it for you. Like, that blew my mind when they told me what it was. I was like, this is unbelievable. Like, we can't even go in our apartment two days a week because some of the gas issues. And these people have an animal that will just run off and grab a mouthful of bouillon whenever you need it. And I remember seeing it's just long, beautiful hair and it looked like a Beautiful woman to me. I remember, like, that thing is beautiful. It was better looking than most of the women in our area. It looked like Suzanne Summers. Bring up Suzanne Summers. Let's get a gander at her. This is one of the funniest times I've had on a podcast in probably two years. Don't you think, Trevin? This is great. Well, thank you so much.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, my God. I'm having a blast.

[Theo Von]

That's her when she came in. Right there. That was when I saw that golden retriever.

[Fiona Cauley]

For sure that was her.

[Theo Von]

She was like the icon.

[Fiona Cauley]

Threw some teal earrings on that dog.

[Theo Von]

Put some teal earrings. That what you said?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude. Yeah. That's perfect. That thing could have worked. Volunteered to work in the nurse's office at our school.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

I'd have been so happy.

[Fiona Cauley]

Mean to you for being a little late to class. Remember, I was burg and orders, man.

[Theo Von]

Let's go to a new section. I'm gonna take a break for one second. You have to pee or anything?

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm good.

[Theo Von]

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[Fiona Cauley]

Sometimes, I mean, I know a lot of people that just like do research and I let the morality of stuff stuff go and I'm like, okay, that can all be true. But like, imagine that was your sister, brother or whatever.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. And we're talking about the. The Renee. Good shooting. Let's put the ice shooting that happened. And this is this is one clip of it. We'll show this clip. I know there's different angles of clips. I'm not going to get into like a lot of the like angular stuff, that sort of thing. But I do want to cover this a little bit because we haven't talked about it on here. Here.

[Fiona Cauley]

That's fine. Dude, I'm not mad at. Boy, show your face. I'm not mad at. That's okay. We don't change our plates every morning. Just so you know. It'll be the same plate when you come talk to us later. That's fine, U.S. citizen.

[Theo Von]

And this is a lady and her girlfriend who are out and they're protesting these ICE agents. Renega was involved with an activist group called Minnesota Ice Watch, acting as a legal observer, documenting what's going on. Etc. Okay, play it up.

[Fiona Cauley]

I said go get yourself some lunch, big boy.

[Theo Von]

Go ahead, get out of the car. And then there's three shots. And the woman. The woman's deceased, right?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Okay. I mean this is just baffling. What are some of your first thoughts? If. Do you even want to talk about this? I mean.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, no, I think it's important, Jordan. Well, okay. So I found out that the defense I keep hearing for this ISA agent is that he six months ago or so was dragged 200ft or something by a vehicle. And I'm like, he shouldn't have been working. Yeah, sptsd.

[Theo Von]

It says the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent who shot and killed 37 year old Renee Nicole Good in Minneapolis on Wednesday was dragged by a car in the line of duty last summer according to court records. So there was documentation that that happened to him. Ross needed more than 50 stitches and had abrasions on his knee, elbow and face according to court papers. So obviously he has PTSD in this situation. I don't think there's any way that you couldn't. Right.

[Fiona Cauley]

Like he's going to be trigger happy. If you're telling me as trauma related to vehicles for sure this is the.

[Theo Von]

Last place that he should be.

[Fiona Cauley]

Right.

[Theo Von]

My thoughts on. I think nobody deserves to lose their life in an instance like this. Right. Like the guy shouldn't have shot the woman. The he could have shot the vehicle. Yes. Or let the vehicle go and deal with it later and find a way to deal with it later on. Those are some of my first thoughts. I have a couple of others. You know, I think as far as like the agitators go, which I think is what, what it's safe to call them, like at a certain point. You have to recognize that, that, that people are just people. Right? So if you, if, if someone's a doctor, they're wearing a doctor's coat. If they're wearing a police uniform, a fire uniform, a principal, they're just people. So they're still, like, flawed, right? They're still just a regular person. Like you and I, and we know, we know what it's like to be a person. It's hectic and it's. It's hectic more than ever. I know you want to have an effect, but this just felt like.

[Fiona Cauley]

It's just. There are so many other ways to go about it.

[Theo Von]

For sure.

[Fiona Cauley]

I doubt she had ever been face to face with someone that had a gun like that. Because I'd be scared, right?

[Theo Von]

Oh, I'd be super scared. I'd be super scared. A guy pull. Because if an officer pulls his weapon out, they don't usually pull it out unless they're going to use it.

[Fiona Cauley]

It. Right.

[Theo Von]

Or unless they're probably. They fear the threat of death. I think that's supposed to be why they pull it out. When is an officer supposed to pull their weapon out? Can you look that up for me, Trevin? That's kind of interesting because I feel.

[Fiona Cauley]

Like I watch a ton of police body cam footage. They always pull out their Taser first.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that. Oh, well, it. I don't think anything should have been pulled out here. It's like, I just don't know if, if, if this had happened six other times down this street where this woman is moving their car and then blocking in front of them. You know, I'm saying, I'm not saying anything justifies it. It. I'm just saying at a certain point, it's a bad idea to mill around somebody that has a gun and be doing anything. Like, I'm the kind of guy if, when people show up with guns, I'm out. I'm out of the room. I'm out of the room. I'm out of the house. If somebody, like, I'm at a party, somebody wants to show somebody a gun, I'm out of here. If I'm at a hunting camp and somebody pulls out a gun, I'm out of here, dude. I'm out of here. A police officer, reasonable belief of threat. The primary justification is the officer's reasonable belief that there is an imminent danger of death or serious physical injury to themselves or other persons. From my, from my look of view and I've. From the videos I've seen, it seemed to me like he like, he wasn't going to get run over.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

But when you factor in the fact that that had happened to him, I'm not surprised that he would.

[Fiona Cauley]

He believed it was reasonable that he would overreact.

[Theo Von]

Oh, it's just. It's a stupid situation that really felt like it didn't have to happen.

[Fiona Cauley]

Well, also, the scary part about that is this is like someone that's like a government person. And so her being, you know, annoying or aggravating or whatever. I mean, they're like, in the U.S. i think there's like a certain level, maybe not anymore, but there was like, of a belief that, like. Like, oh, you know, I'm safe and I'm an American. Like, I can talk or, you know.

[Theo Von]

I can express my beliefs, that sort of thing. Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

And if this goes unchecked, it scares me for what that means. What is reasonable after this.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I get that for sure. It's hard to know if they. If this had been going on for two hours before this or if this had just all happened in like 30 seconds. Seconds. That's a tough thing to know. But what it's. What to your point is, we're going to get into a place where there's a lot more. I feel like this, like, vigilante journalism type of thing, where even with, like, the guy, Nick Shirley, who went and. Oh, yeah, and tracked down the like. And Somalia, the Somalian health care fraud, you're going to have more of that. And are you going to have more people out here who want to go out and contest the police? Yeah, it's it overall, in the end, for me, it gets weirder and weirder that we're just getting to these more comfortable places. Like, you and I are able to sit here and watch a video where somebody got killed. Like, we don't see the. The bullets hit them and stuff like that, but we know what happened and we're in a place now where, like.

[Fiona Cauley]

Where it's like, yeah, let's talk about it. Yeah, that's terrifying.

[Theo Von]

It's pretty scary. One of the things that's happened that's caused a lot of this is they let so many people into the country without proper documentation and without proper checking in. Like, we had some border Patrol agents on where they would. When people were coming across the border, they would have to meet later with an agent at a certain point. Like, because they were so overwhelmed, they'd be like, okay, you have to meet with an agent at this point. And so many people were not making those appointments. And so people were just in America, undocumented. Right. And I just believe that everybody should have documentation. I believe there's. There's fair ways to be in the country. I believe that. That we need a proper immigration in and out. I'm a huge believer in that. Pew research center reported 14 million undocumented immigrants in 2023, a record high that likely peaked further before declining in 2025 under stricter enforcement. But what I'm saying is this is one of the reasons why there's so much of this ICE stuff. Why there's so much ICE going on, because there's so many people that are. That are up to no good, that don't want to have any laws, that want to hide from documentation, that want to hide from being here legally. And then what's wilder from there is the process of becoming an ICE agent. Have you seen some of this?

[Fiona Cauley]

No.

[Theo Von]

So US Citizenship is required. What's required? Trevor, you on Mike? So U.S. citizenship is required. No felony convictions or misdemeanor domestic violence offenses are allowed. You have to pass drug tests, medical exams, background checks for the. It says here for entry level positions, you typically need a bachelor's degree. But some. It. There was reports of some recent ICE recruitments stating that undergraduate degrees are not always needed. So it's kind of like a gray area as far as that goes. Go back up. What's the age restrictions on it? Didn't they change that recently? Let me see. Applicants must generally be referred for selection before age 40, though recent policy changes under Secretary Noem have removed strict age limits to attract more candidates, with waivers available for veterans and prior federal law enforcement. So you can be getting a lot of different types. What. What were some of the. Like. Did you see some of the posters, though, in some of the campaigns? Can you show some of that? See if you have some of that. I mean.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, my God. So it's like, why is he trying to. Like, that's like a thirst trip, you know, man, thirst.

[Theo Von]

Well, for sure, because I think they opened up the age restrictions in an effort to hire more ICE agents. The federal government has lowered the age limit. This poster is part of the Department of Homeland Security's push to hire 10,000 ICE agents. Previously, agents had to be under the age of 40. Now that has changed. This is like, yeah, you want this ice, baby girl?

[Fiona Cauley]

He looks like he's not wearing pants.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

And he wants you to know, yeah.

[Theo Von]

You want this warm ice. You know, he looks a little bit like. Is Josh Duhamel. A little bit. Bit. Can you See that? A little.

[Fiona Cauley]

A little bit, yeah.

[Theo Von]

Josh. And he might be upset that I said that, but.

[Fiona Cauley]

No, he's a good looking dude. Oh my God.

[Theo Von]

I honestly, I know him some.

[Fiona Cauley]

Is he hot in real life?

[Theo Von]

Dude, he's so handsome. And he knows. He doesn't. Honestly, he doesn't act like he's like. He doesn't act like he's the most handsomest guy around. No, not around me. I'm a man. But. But he might in other circumstances. But dude, he's so handsome. Dude, he's so handsome.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm married. Take him off the screen.

[Theo Von]

Thank you. Please, God. The woman's already dealing with a lot. You're keeping that up there. The. He's so handsome. Sometimes I don't even want to go back home after I. It's like I can't keep living like this. Like, what. What visual squalor are the rest of us living in? Dude, if this man gets to operate.

[Fiona Cauley]

Like that, imagine how I feel. I'm in a wheelchair and he gets to look like that.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, but you're still, you're. You're. You're hot though.

[Fiona Cauley]

For now. Yeah. Well, look, I'm a pumpkin, brother.

[Theo Von]

But that's just cuz of the hair. I think that you can change that. You can change that with a box of VO5, honey. But no, that's one of the posters, Trevin. Yeah. Posted by DHS it almost has like a baseball, like you get like the baseball umpire. You could umpire. Whether somebody should be in the country or not.

[Fiona Cauley]

The type of people this is for are not the people that should be doing this job and like, it feel. Yeah. Like they're like, hey, does no one respect you at home? Come on out here. And like, I bet you do get.

[Theo Von]

Some of that energy where people. That's the thing. It's like in the end, the people who are officers, police, anything, they're just people. Like, they're taking those feelings of whatever's happening to them at home, whatever's in the rest of their life, whatever else has occurred, and they're taking them out there. And we also expect like guys to also be. I mean, I think this poster is kind of crazy. I do think that they like just kind of expanded to try and just get more people in. This feels like it's like, oh, you're the umpire. You're calling safe. You know, you're calling safe and out. You can decide who's safe and out of America. You know, I think that's the kind of energy I get from this poster a little bit, but, but, but yeah, everybody takes whatever it is into the world with them, you know, and it's like even though we put on certain uniforms or certain like costumes or certain name tags, like whether you're the principal or a teacher, like it's still just a person. And that's why I feel like to be out there, like just taunting a person, whether the person's a police, anybody.

[Fiona Cauley]

It'S like that's the danger.

[Theo Von]

Especially these days it feels dangerous to like engage in stuff in public. It feels like. But this poster does say ICE hiring 10, 000 agents with a fifty thousand dollar hiring bonus. That's wild.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Now that makes me want to dust off the old vampire uniform. Look at this. Somebody caught this. A nice agent was caught slipping on ice. And you know what's the craziest thing these days? We don't even know if you. This is a real ICE agent. There's so many people out there that are just cosplaying and getting involved in you. It's like you just don't even know what's real anymore. And the government could create, or the government or different entities could create videos like this just to get us agitated. It's a wild time.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. In the AI of it all, that.

[Theo Von]

Could totally have been AI we have no idea.

[Fiona Cauley]

It's getting really scary. Well, say there have been a couple of videos of me, but they can't make like even AI me walk. And I find that disheartening.

[Theo Von]

Just one more protein.

[Fiona Cauley]

Come on.

[Theo Von]

Was it prolactin? Is that what you said?

[Fiona Cauley]

It was protaxing? You have a good memory.

[Theo Von]

I do. Has there been like, like, was there ever times where you tried like alternative methods of medicine? Like did you ever go to like Honolulu or something? Like, was there stuff like that?

[Fiona Cauley]

I've never been to Honolulu.

[Theo Von]

They never took you to like an exotic place to get a new medicine?

[Fiona Cauley]

No, they took me to New Jersey during COVID and they locked me in a hospital for a month cuz we weren't normally. Okay.

[Theo Von]

That's un. Usually people get to go. You go to like New Zealand or you're going to, you know, somewhere in the Amazonia and you got New Jersey. What part? Trenton. Huh.

[Fiona Cauley]

It's like it's like 45 minutes from New York.

[Theo Von]

Newark.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yes. Yes. During the winter nightmare. Yeah. And you think walking in snow is hard?

[Theo Von]

Try just having your husband drag you through it.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. And every two seconds I'm like, are you mad at me?

[Theo Von]

What, what therapies did you try or what was something that you tried that was kind of novel or new?

[Fiona Cauley]

There's the thing that the reason I'm like, like, emotionally. Okay. Now, I do have a lot of faith that medicine will catch up. Like, the one I did out there was a for taxin replacement therapy. So they're trying to figure out how to get it get back in your body. And then at that point, it would be me relearning how to walk. They do believe they'll cure me in my, like. But then the next 10, five or 10 years, you're not gonna like me as much when I can walk.

[Theo Von]

Whoa, that's gonna be crazy. So was there a time when you felt like there would be no cure?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, well, when I got diagnosed, I was like, all right, right, now we know. So what do I do? And they were like, there's nothing. And they were like, well, your life expectancy is 40. Yeah. And I was like. And they're like, you're gonna lose the ability to walk, talk. See here, like, all of it. So I'm Helen Keller. Right. And yeah, it was pretty dark. But now I am on a med called Sky Claris, which is the only treatment out there for FA what I have. And I mean, it hasn't been around long enough to, like, have, like, long term research done, so there's a little.

[Theo Von]

Bit of being a guinea pig in it.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm. Yeah. My whole life has been elaborate. That's. Yeah. And I'm okay with it, you know, but it's just three pills every day, and it's supposed to, like, like, pause the progression, which I am a okay with. Like, if I can stay this way and not turn into Stephen Hawking, you know? Yeah, that's my. He did get to go to cool places.

[Theo Von]

Did he have this same thing?

[Fiona Cauley]

No, he had als, which is way worse.

[Theo Von]

Oh, it is.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And are you guys ever at odds with, like, that kind of stuff? Like, do you or is there. Is it. It's probably very similar, like, type of experience.

[Fiona Cauley]

I think it's worse because it's quicker and you're definitely gonna. He lived for a long time, but he was also kind of.

[Theo Von]

His posture wasn't that good.

[Fiona Cauley]

No. Kind of a dick.

[Theo Von]

Was he?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, he was on Epstein's flylog. Did you see that?

[Theo Von]

But some people deserve to go over there.

[Fiona Cauley]

As he was cheating on his wife.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

You can't cheat without help. That's crazy.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's a good point. Wow. So somebody else is.

[Fiona Cauley]

Grabbed his hand. Those teeth are crazy. It's like A mean little dog.

[Theo Von]

Oh, my God.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm so sorry.

[Theo Von]

We're gonna go to hell for. Yeah, no, but it definitely. Yeah. It reminds me of my. My stepdad had a dog. I don't know if he was my stepdad or not, but he had a dog named Muffy. And at the end, it was just blind or whatever, but it had these teeth, and he would always brush them in front of us. And I was like, what are we doing? What are we doing? You know, he'd brush them like, 40 times a day. He would brush that dog's teeth. I think he felt like. Because it couldn't.

[Fiona Cauley]

Was he mouth kissing it? What the hell?

[Theo Von]

He probably was. Was, dude. And the dog had, like, kind of those brown, like, marks around his mouth that, you know, they'll let him get those kind of. The tire burns, like those little white poodle dogs.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, it's like a kid with the Gatorade.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, it's like a kid with the Gatorade. But, yeah, it's like brown all around their mouth and stuff. They get that.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that actually looks cute. It makes me sad. Muffy. Muffy was all right, I think. I don't know. My mom knew her a little bit better. I didn't know her. I don't even know if she was a female.

[Fiona Cauley]

Sounds like she had better breath than me 40 times a day.

[Theo Von]

Oh, he would brush that dog's teeth. God, he would brush them bitches till they were just fucking shining. I mean, just fucking. Just like, just look like a belt buckle right out there hanging out the front of his mouth. I mean. Yeah. Anyway, what are we talking about? So that has to be totally wild. So there was a time of your life. Life when you went. You were like, wow. So my life is only going to be so much longer. And then there's a time now where you feel like it will be different.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. And it's weird being given sort of a death sentence.

[Theo Von]

Like, you know, did you do some things? You were like, I'm gonna treat myself some crazy ways.

[Fiona Cauley]

There's no reason for me to care about anything. And now I'm like, I'm gonna be here longer. You know? Like, I was a slut for a long time. Because I was like, me too. Once. Once I'm in a wheelchair, it's over. You know what I mean?

[Theo Von]

So I'm like, oh, yeah, that's a good point, dude.

[Fiona Cauley]

Right? So I'm like, I'm gonna. Everyone I can walk into it. Sorry, too much. I'll pull back, edit that Out.

[Theo Von]

No, no, that's fine. I just. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, yeah. People get out there. You gotta. Did you. Did you feel like you would ever find love? Did you. Was that a fearful thing?

[Fiona Cauley]

I fully. Well, it's the scariest part is, like, people meet you while you're walking with the game, and then you have to explain to them it's gonna get worse. So signing up for this is a bad idea. And so I would try to avoid that conversation and avoid telling the name of what I have. Have, and that wasn't fair.

[Theo Von]

So, what, would you just try to.

[Fiona Cauley]

Play it off or whatever and not a big deal? Yeah, I'm just clumsy. I call myself clinically clumsy.

[Theo Von]

You. You came up with that? That's interesting. Yeah. Well, at least it gives you your own ownership over it, too.

[Fiona Cauley]

But, you know, I mean, Matt and I got together before this medicine came around on, so he signed up for me thinking I'd look like Stephen.

[Theo Von]

But also he signed up thinking if he gets 10 more years of. I mean, you are a beautiful lady. If you. If he gets 10 years of this beautiful lady, that's a good deal. I feel like. Was that what he was thinking or was it. Was it hard for you to get to believe that he was in? Like, what was that like? Was it hard for you to believe? Like, really? At some point, did you ever realize for yourself? Because I think at some point, point, all of us, it's hard for us to believe that somebody would love us. A lot of people, especially probably comedians.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, my God.

[Theo Von]

But you being a comedian and having. Having this ailment, do you feel like, like, that. Was that. Was there ever, like, an about face? You're like, wow, I. I just. I have to believe this.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. I think in the beginning it was hard because he, like, my husband, is a really good person, so I.

[Theo Von]

And Matt's comedian as well.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

So that's how you guys met?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, we met at an open mic here. But he's a good guy. Oh, yeah, that's. Oh, yeah. He said, look at Matt taking it easy.

[Theo Von]

Dude. Oh, that's beautiful, huh?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. You always got a chair with me.

[Theo Von]

Who are you dancing with there, Matt?

[Fiona Cauley]

His mom.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's nice. What does your mom do, Matt? She's a psychologist. Oh, wow, that's cool.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, it was very sweet. He proposed to me outside of Zany's. He had the Marquis say, well, you marry me.

[Theo Von]

Really?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh, did you know.

[Fiona Cauley]

This motherfuck? I guess, like, I had to have known because we actually booked the venue before we were in game.

[Theo Von]

Okay. So you guys were hoping it could happen. Oh, really? Dude? That's so cool. I didn't even know that. And where do you propose? Right out there in the front?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Well, they. We. He took me to dinner at a place I did not like. And the name of it is called Bad Idea. So I was like, there's good husband.

[Theo Von]

Bad dater, bad dinner guy.

[Fiona Cauley]

And then I get a call from the booker at Zany's, and they're like, someone's here. They want to meet you. Like, hurry up. It's a big deal. And I'm like, what? And so we close out our tab and we are driving over to Zany's. He's being nervous, and I think he's nervous because he pulls a gun out.

[Theo Von]

Of the glove box. He's poking you in the arm with it.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, man. And then I. He was like, maybe it's Nikki Glaser. And I was like. Because I had never met her at that point. And I was like, oh, my God. So I'm rolling real quick, top speed around the corner. And then Matt goes wake him back. And I was like, matt, we gotta go. And I look up and he got on my knee. And I don't think I even said yes. I think I just kept saying, I'm gonna throw up on you.

[Theo Von]

But that's an Irish yes. Oh, that's a beautiful story. Actually. It makes me think so much differently of this place now when I'm there. I didn't know that people were falling in love right outside of there and playing in their futures. That's awesome.

[Fiona Cauley]

They let us have our. We had, like, an after party after the wedding and reception.

[Theo Von]

A.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, it was very sweet.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's cool. Wow. So that must have been. Yeah, because I guess, like. Yeah, I guess you did. Yeah. Were there feelings? Like, do you feel like I'll net like. Because I think comics in general have a tough time finding love and figuring that kind of stuff out, you know.

[Fiona Cauley]

And the lifestyle of being a comedian, it's really hard to negotiate with love. Right. So, I mean, I feel lucky that we're both. We travel and now we're starting to travel together. Matt features for me a lot on the road, which is like, you know, a dream come true. We're starting to do where he's headlining this Sunday, and I'm doing Friday, Saturday.

[Theo Von]

Dude, that's awesome, bro. Congratulations. Just the ability to be able to do that together. That's pretty cool.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, it is cool. I'm lucky.

[Theo Von]

Is there Points where you like, has it felt weird having a. Having this ailment that you're not even going to have that much longer, which is going to be really weird.

[Fiona Cauley]

That dumb bitch was faking it and I don't know what to do.

[Theo Von]

I know.

[Fiona Cauley]

I want to do a special now called before and then I'll do one called After.

[Theo Von]

I think that's a great idea. Was there a part like. I guess. Yeah. What's that relationship like with comedy and with. Obviously people have to joke about what they know the most, right. And I think people are people, a lot of times are. I think they look at people. I think sometimes people look at people that have an ailment or something either as like a good luck omen or like, as like something that. That they're almost fearful of. Yeah, right. Because they don't want to imagine it, you know, they don't want to think like, oh, that could be me, or I could be in that situation.

[Fiona Cauley]

That's a weird part about, like, the sympathy, some of it truly is that just simple sympathy. But a lot of the times I can tell when people feel bad for themselves because they've created a whole story of like, how terrible their life would be if they were me. And I don't like that, you know, because, like, we all have shitty things. I'm lucky for a lot of reasons. You know what I mean? I'm luckier than most people.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. That's interesting. I think it's interesting to think, like. Yeah, like how we relate to people sometimes. And in the end, it's a reflection of something about us or some way we view ourselves or some way that we're afraid to imagine ourselves or. Or there's. There's like a. There's an ego in that or a selfishness in it, that stuff. It's hard to kind of figure out exactly what that is, but that's really fascinating.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, well, it's like, you know, I've been now diagnosed disabled for 11 years and you figure it out. The worst part is people doing shitty things and everyone doesn't want to call it shitty. They are like, hey, they had good intentions. It is not my job to figure out what your intention was. You know what I mean?

[Theo Von]

Like, you mean people saying mean stuff?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Do people say mean stuff to you a lot?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Really? And is it just Kill Tony fans trying to show affection?

[Fiona Cauley]

Probably. Oh, my God. The Kill Tony fans. They are correct. Not all of them, but a lot of them.

[Theo Von]

What are they like?

[Fiona Cauley]

The DMs I get would Blow your mind. Like the. I get this a lot. It's people, men asking if I'll roll over their dicks.

[Theo Von]

Oh, with the wheelchair.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Or like show us your boobs before you die. I get that a lot. Yeah, it's fun. I'm. I'm having a good time.

[Theo Von]

I mean, I bet it's added a lot of like color just to your life. I think things like that are just amazing mean. Yeah. Some of that stuff's insane. Is there ever stuff that does kind of ping you a little bit that's like. Are you able to just kind of.

[Fiona Cauley]

There's. Yeah. You know, it's Whenever someone touches on your real insecurity and you're like, for me, it's my voice. Cuz I let go of the fact that my body is not functioning a long time ago, but my voice is all I have. So I recognize I speak slow and is because I'm trying to pronunciate, you know, or enunciate.

[Theo Von]

Did you used to be like louder and have a different voice at all?

[Fiona Cauley]

It was more annoying. It was more valley girl, bro.

[Theo Von]

Thank God you got rid of that.

[Fiona Cauley]

Now it's kind of deep.

[Theo Von]

Oh, damn. Really deep. Valley girl. Oh, now you're saying now it's kind of deep. Now it just seems like it just. I don't know, I feel like you want everybody. I kind of always feel like you're like a kindergarten teach. You want everybody to sit on the rug and listen to a story.

[Fiona Cauley]

Kind of like it's okay. It's almost nap time. Everyone sit down.

[Theo Von]

Wow. Are you ever like, do you have moments where you're also envious of the fact that you get to have such a perspective of life because you like. Not many of us have this thing where there's a possible timeline on our lives, you know, and you know what that's like. But also are able to have a voice like you have, like able to. To be a comedian whose job it is to articulate things and to share thoughts and feelings. Is there ever moments you're like, wow, this has been, you know, if I don't get to do life again, or if we do get to do it a hundred more times, this has been a pretty special experience.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. I feel very fortunate because I. Before the diagnosis, the things I cared about did not matter and no one could tell me they didn't matter. It just took them. Once things are taken away, it kind of strips down to like the truth and the core of like what is important. Right. I was very vapid Very. Like, whatever. Like, I didn't care about my relationships that much, you know, but all you have is connection. So, like, the more, you know, can connect with people, the bigger the impact you leave. You know what I mean? And all I want to do now, which I never first saw any of this, is like, yeah, give a voice to the voiceless a little bit. And with them telling me my voice was going, it feels so ironic that I'm doing that, but it feels good.

[Theo Von]

That would be the scariest thing.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

It's like all we have especially, like, is. I think it was work. If you work in a comedian or someplace where you speak or someplace you have to, like, communicate with others regularly or probably just for anybody. It's just like, man, if I. My voice, I can't tell you how I feel.

[Fiona Cauley]

Right.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, you've done. You were doing public speaking. Do you still do that? Some.

[Fiona Cauley]

So I did. I think you're talking about the TED Talk. I did, like, a text talk a while ago. I'm still waiting for it to come out. But, yeah, that was really crazy because that was the first time I publicly spoke, and it wasn't comedy and not, like, getting laughs because I wasn't being funny was really stressful. Hell, yeah.

[Theo Von]

That's cute, huh? I'm so happy that you guys have each other. It's nice to have somebody. Is it?

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, yeah, it's really nice. I went a long time without it. I also didn't think I'd ever get married. It wasn't really. I wasn't someone that was seeking that. All my friends were kind of falling into that, and I was like, cool. I can't. I can't imagine that. And the. When I met him, I was like, oh, yeah, he's honky. He got me.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

Honking from Alabama.

[Theo Von]

Oh, he's from Alabama.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I know. It's.

[Theo Von]

You were already.

[Fiona Cauley]

I've been through a lot. I told.

[Theo Von]

You're already dealing with an ailment. Now you're marrying. Wow. And shout out Alabama, dude. All right. That's all people say is like. Yeah, shout out. What part, though?

[Fiona Cauley]

Tuscalooza.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude, that's a great part. You're Bama fan. Oh, it's so cool.

[Fiona Cauley]

Ro. Tad.

[Theo Von]

I know.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

We got the red hair. They're ready for you.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. And the whales.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that's true. That's hilarious. You seem to be on your period when you show up over there. They should have a roll. Tide section. Is just women on their period during the game. For the game.

[Fiona Cauley]

In wheelchairs. I love that. That's great. Red. Bam. Will be sniffing all those.

[Theo Von]

Red band will judge a seat sniffing competition.

[Fiona Cauley]

Got the red part of his name.

[Theo Von]

Wow. So all the people who throughout this episode were like, Theo's be doing too many jokes. Just know that that's where we're at here. That's the level that we're at here. Here. I heard you talk about Nikki Glazer. How great is she?

[Fiona Cauley]

She is a queen.

[Theo Von]

She's the best. She just did the. She hosted the Golden Globes. Let's see some of that. Do you have any of that, Trevin? And congratulations to her. She's fought so hard. You know, she was an opener for Amy Schumer for a long time, where Amy was like, you know, the biggest thing in the world. And. And here she is as just, like, the absolute queen.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. She is crushing. The Golden Globe for best editing goes to. The Justice Department. Yes. Congratulations.

[Theo Von]

Facts of that.

[Fiona Cauley]

And the award for most editing goes to. CBS News. Yes. CBS News, America's newest place to see BS News. Oh, she's awesome. She.

[Theo Von]

She's so good.

[Fiona Cauley]

She. Actually. I had never had anyone take me on the road, and I understood pretty quickly that probably was not gonna be part of my comedic journey, because taking me on the road, you gotta account for a chair and blah, blah, blah. I damned her out of nowhere. Cause I saw she was coming to the Ryman. I was like, I'm a local comedian. I'd love to, you know, do a guest spot if you have room. And she replied within, like, a couple hours and was like, absolutely love and had me on both her shows and then took me on the road.

[Theo Von]

No.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. And she was. She's the only person that's taken me on the road.

[Theo Von]

That's incredible.

[Fiona Cauley]

And she, like, paid for an extra ticket for Matt because she wanted me to have someone there.

[Theo Von]

That's sweet. Yeah, she's the best. She's so funny. I'd love to have her back on again. Every time we sit and chat, we have a great time. Dude, imagine that. You're sitting there, you get to joke with Leonardo DiCaprio. That's got to be crazy.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, my God. Talking to Leah. You've worked with every great director. You've won three Golden Globes, an Oscar. And the most impressive thing is that you were able to accomplish all of that before your girlfriend turned 30. I mean, it's just insane. Liam, I'm sorry I made that joke. It's cheap. You know what? I. I tried not to, but, like, we don't know anything else about you, man. Like, there's nothing else. Like, open up.

[Theo Von]

That's a good point. He's starting to look like Jack Nicholson a little bit.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, my God.

[Theo Von]

Go back to him. Right there.

[Fiona Cauley]

You're totally correct.

[Theo Von]

Pull up Jack Nicholson at his age page.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, no.

[Theo Von]

You did it. We cracked the code a little bit.

[Fiona Cauley]

The hairline.

[Theo Von]

The hairline's better on.

[Fiona Cauley]

You don't think Leonardo had any hair implants or anything?

[Theo Von]

Well, here's the thing. I think he has a great hairline, but I bet he also could have easily had that done. It wasn't available in Jack's time.

[Fiona Cauley]

I mean, if you're only. If you're only dating young girls, you gotta.

[Theo Von]

You gotta keep it fresh and you gotta keep it until you get a wife. I've had hair put in here. Here.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Theo Von]

And I didn't know if I needed. I was just dealing with a ton of stress.

[Fiona Cauley]

Hey, he's bald and you got a wife type.

[Theo Von]

I gotta change my attitude.

[Fiona Cauley]

I just can't see the top of his head. That's it.

[Theo Von]

Dude, that's a great point. You're like, yeah, what do you care? What are like some of the toughest things about being. Having this disability that people do not realize you thing. Are there some little things that are kind of interesting?

[Fiona Cauley]

I think there's a general assumption that like, I am mentally disabled because of how I speak. I've. Oh my God, I do have a joke about this, but it's like a real story. Do you remember that bar Kung Fu?

[Theo Von]

It was a neel.

[Fiona Cauley]

It shut down.

[Theo Von]

It was on Broadway. Yeah, I've heard about it.

[Fiona Cauley]

So I went there with some friends a couple years ago and we random one out. It was a friend's birthday. Just like six girls, you know, drinking, whatever. And long story short, I watched my friend get rupeed. Okay? But again, nothing bad has happened to any of my friends. So they just take drinks from people and, you know, whatever. So my friend is getting real sick and starting to pass out. It's been like 45 minutes. My able bloody friends all go to the bathroom together. Dude. I saw give her the drink, tries to come in, she's passed out. And he's like, hey, that's my friend. She asked me to dig her home. And I was like, no. And I just rolled over and put my foot on the door to close it. And then he shouldered it open. They kicked him in the wiener. And I started yelling for help because he's fighting me and I can't do much. And finally security comes over and the guy goes, hey, guys, I'm so sorry. That's my girlfriend. My friend passed out. And this is her mentally retarded friend that doesn't remember me. And I had to convince these security guards that I was not mentally disabled.

[Theo Von]

And how do you do that?

[Fiona Cauley]

Couldn't do. Is so much harder than it sounds.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. How do you even.

[Fiona Cauley]

It's like trying to convince someone you're from the future. You can't do it.

[Theo Von]

Oh, my God. That's hilarious.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Trying to get away from the accusations. I can't beat those guys.

[Theo Von]

No.

[Fiona Cauley]

We got kicked out, but that guy didn't get my friends, so that's a win.

[Theo Von]

I can't believe he had such a plan, too. That's the crazy part that he would say that.

[Fiona Cauley]

First time. Yeah. I was like, oh, my God. Kind of genius. Kind of funny.

[Theo Von]

Just crazy. There's sick people out there like that too.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

What would you say to people. Other people that have. A lot of people don't have the same ailment, Right? You said it's so few.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. But they have stuff similar and it's cool. At my shows, a lot of disabled people. Gum. Which that success to me, I would love one day, just like for the club to have to take out every chair because everyone has their own.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

I think that'd be sick.

[Theo Von]

I love that byoc, huh? That's great. And were there people that had ailments that you looked up to at certain points? Or do you find like. Or that isn't. People just look up to.

[Fiona Cauley]

There's one that comes. And I know there are more, but like, kind of the. Like godmother of disability. Her name. She's dead now, but her name was Judy Human, and she helped pass the ada, Like ACT or whatever. Yeah. Duty Human. She rocked, basically. Yeah. The Black Panthers helped get the ADA passed.

[Theo Von]

Wow. Judy Heumann, born in Philadelphia, was an American disability rights activist. Known as a mother of the disability rights movement. She was recognized internationally as a leader in the disability movement. In 1970, Heumann was denied her New York teaching license because the board did not believe she could get herself or her students out of the building in case of a fire. She sued the Board of Education. Local newspaper ran the headline, you can be president, not teacher with polio. The case settled with the trial. Wow. Human received much mail from disabled people around the country due to press coverage of her lawsuit. Many wrote about the experiences of discrimination because of their disabilities based on the outpouring of support and letters. In 1970, Heumann and several friends founded the Disabled in Action, an organization focused on securing the protection of people with disabilities under civil rights law through political protest. Wow. Do you think, do you think there is a common, like, energy where people feel like you can't do something?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I think people think Matt is my caregiver and not my husband.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

Which makes me very mad.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. You're like, my caregiver keeps taking advantage of me.

[Fiona Cauley]

My caregiver keeps grabbing my boobs and that ain't right.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I guess there's part of you I think is like, as someone that doesn't have an ailment like this right now that like, you feel like you want to be helpful and you don't know how to do that. Really?

[Fiona Cauley]

That, that is a question. People always are like, well, how do I know when you need help and if it's like an innocent question, I understand that. But like, like, I'm an adult, I know how to ask. You know what I mean? So like, unless I'm like, hey, can you do this for me? I'm fine.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

You know, I. Learning how to ask for help was one of the toughest parts about like I wasn't disabled and now I am.

[Theo Von]

Oh, wow.

[Fiona Cauley]

You know, I was very independent.

[Theo Von]

God, that'd be so hard. I hate asking for help.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, it's a nightmare. But like, there is so much power and being able to. And I know disabled people that are bad at it and they hurt themselves not asking for help and they'd rather that. And I'm like, what good are you to yourself or others if you're hurting yourself?

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

You know?

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I mean, you'll sit there forever and be in pain because you just don't want to speak up. I think it goes back to even. Sometimes it's like how you. How. Even like some. How like those law officers feel. I think there's a code of human where it's like, I want to be able to take care of myself. I should be able to. I don't want somebody to know I'm having a tough time. I don't want to feel like I can't do this.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

I think a lot of that probably comes to surface. What is something that you see, like walkies or I don't know, what you call like people that are day walkers? Day walkers?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

What is something you see daywalkers do that just blows your mind? Is there anything like comes up like that?

[Fiona Cauley]

I think able bodied men are dumb as Fuck. Because I see them do the dumbest shit. Like, I'm like, your body can break. What are you doing?

[Theo Von]

Oh, this crazy shit.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, like the Jackass stuff. I'm like, y' all are so lucky. But, like, anything bad can happen to anyone. Like, the disabled minority is the most inclusive minority.

[Theo Von]

It's a good point, huh? Anybody can show up here.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Like, you feel bad for me today, but you could be sitting next to me tomorrow.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, we'll save you a seat.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I like that a lot. It feels like a threat.

[Theo Von]

Is there. Yeah. Is there. Are there, like, AA meetings for people that have different types of ailments or like. Like, that have, like, mobility ailments?

[Fiona Cauley]

I know there are disability support groups. I've never been to one. Which is probably not good. I'm sure there's something in Nashville. But it's hard also because I feel disability. It looks like so many different things.

[Theo Von]

That's true. You don't want to get in there with somebody that just has a neck brace on or something.

[Fiona Cauley]

They're like, I have add. I'm just like you. I hear that a lot. Yeah. Dead ass.

[Theo Von]

See, that's another place we've gotten with these autistic Barbies. It's like, making everybody believe that there's something that they have.

[Fiona Cauley]

And it's like, it might be true, but, like, you're fine.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Well, we're all so blessed. I mean, I think there's, like. You just don't even realize the blessings that we have every day. I was just. This morning, I woke up with a good amount of gratitude for the first time. I haven't had that in a while, and it felt pretty good. What was I seeing in the news? Something else. We'll finish up in a few minutes. Oh, do you see in Iran that they cut off or Iran, people call it different stuff, but did you see that they cut off all the Internet and the phones over there?

[Fiona Cauley]

No.

[Theo Von]

Nationwide unrest in Iran right now is being driven mainly by a severe economic crisis that has quickly turned into a broader anti movement. What. What caused it? Iran's currency has plunged to record lows with the real. That's what they use, losing a large share of its value and pushing up prices for food, fuel, and other essential items. The initial economic anger morphed into political slogans like death to the dictator and calls for the end of the current system. So inflation above 40% in years of sanctions, mismanagement, and corruption have left many Iranians unable to cover basic living costs, prompting shopkeepers, workers, and Students to launch strikes and street protests. Is there any video from that? I mean, it's unbelievable. Like the Internet. Imagine if they shut the Internet down Here, look at this. That's wild. There's just. And this is in the capital, Tehran. There's just protests against the regime there. I think at a certain point, you see when things get bad enough that people will take action, which I guess is still nice to see that people, you know, because you together to make something different. Because it starts to feel like in America.

[Fiona Cauley]

So I was like, we're all for ourselves. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And as long as somebody's mailing me some Tostitos or something and a can of government dip, that I'll be. You know what I'm saying? Like, I think. I just think we've gotten very comfortable here, you know?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

I mean, what would happen in America if the government was down? We'd have to write letters to each other.

[Fiona Cauley]

I can't even write anymore. How to get a typewriter or some.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that'd be unbelievable. Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

My chair would stop working.

[Theo Von]

Your chair would stop working too, huh?

[Fiona Cauley]

Probably.

[Theo Von]

You'd be stranded.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'd be screwed.

[Theo Von]

You'd be like one of those way mo's that like just went in a circle or whatever when it got commandeered. Do we have anything from just somebody like boots on the ground over there? I know they're having. Oh, what's this? This is Masi Alinijad. This says, please help us. The situation here is horrific. It is a full scale war. The regime's forces show no mercy. They shot protesters in the head and heart and even finish off those already wounded on the streets and hospitals. The wounded are being kidnapped and killed. Wow. Wow. This is. Nikki Haley says at least 12,000 Iranians fighting for freedom have been murdered by the regime. Wow. Is that true? Possibly thousands more. Okay. The death toll and growing protest in Iran is believed to be in the thousands, with an Iranian official putting the figure at 2000. But human rights groups estimating those numbers could be far higher. Wow. Have been killed in protests of Iran. Now in their third week. Iranian officials have called the protesters terrorists and accused them of rioting. I mean, it's interesting to see how quickly a republic will call someone a terrorist. Iran International, a London based Persian language news channel, wrote in an editorial on Tuesday that it believes 12,000 people have been killed. They called it the largest killing in Iran's contemporary history, taking place over two nights between January 8th and January 9th. Wow. I mean, this is a revolution. This is a revolution. Demonstrations began in late December over economic hardships, but have grown into widespread anger against the regime of the Islamic Republic. Yeah. Prayers for the people in Iran that are dealing with that. That are dealing with. Just like, I can't even imagine what it's like not to be able to have a voice, to feel like you don't. Anyway, it just goes to show, like, in the old days when they didn't have the Internet and they didn't have cell phones, you still had a voice. Right. But I think this is almost. This is. Feels like proof to me that those things create what a voice is nowadays. Right. Because some of those. Some of those companies will be like, well, it doesn't matter how we act or how we behave or what, like, rules we allow or don't allow on our platforms. Because if you don't have this, you still have a voice, but you really kind of don't.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

You know, it's like, it's hard to know what's going on somewhere.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Well, it's like we became the sober reliant on technology and stuff that we don't know how to have a voice without it. And that was by design because it's something that can be taken very easily. Right.

[Theo Von]

100%. I didn't know. We can go down those roads. We'll have to go down those roads. No, it's good. No, I think the same way, it's like, oh, well, here's a voice, but it's for lease, really.

[Fiona Cauley]

Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a voice you are no longer allowed to own.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Interesting. And what's the president saying about this? Trump said, iranian patriots, keep protesting. Take over your institutions. Save the names of the killers and abusers. They will pay a big price. I have canceled all meetings with the Iranian officials until the senseless killing of protesters. Stop. Help is on its way. Make Iran great again. President Donald J. Trump. That's insane. Effective immediately, any country doing business with the Islamic Republic of Iran will pay a tariff of 25% on any and all business being done with the United States of America. Wow. So they're not playing around. They're trying to. Or who knows if they are. I mean, half the stuff they say is. Means nothing, but. But. But they're definitely sticking their heads out, man. It's just so. It sucks so much that people, the regular people, have to suffer the. The whims of their politicians. But then also it's brave that people are willing to get out and protest and speak up for things that need to happen in their Community. You know, if. If your government is just ruining the value of your currency and you're sitting there, you can't afford to feed. Like I saw. I've read some of the price of eggs over there gone up like seven times times and that they have oil and then they reframe the prices of. Of gasoline over there to make it more expensive. At a certain point, you have to stand up for yourselves, you know, which.

[Fiona Cauley]

Can be hard for some people.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, it can. See if you have a one video of Iran before the. In the 1970s, before the.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, yeah, dude, they were getting it.

[Theo Von]

They were getting it. They were putting lotion on outside.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Theo Von]

Another motorized person, you know, I like that. Cone wheels, huh? Yeah. I mean, it's just wild.

[Fiona Cauley]

Crazy.

[Theo Von]

It's crazy to think to live in a grow up in a place where you're not free. You know what I'm saying? And it is not. You just are a soul put on an earth. You're supposed to be free here. Like, if anything, you're supposed to be free. Like whether you're supposed to just live in the woods or whatever, we're supposed to actually be.

[Fiona Cauley]

It's weird that just by happenstance, you're either free or you're not. Just depending on where you were born, you know, and like, not to like, make it all about disability, but like being disabled in a country that's not free. I mean, even here, before Judy Human did her thing, there were signs like in the 90s on like, Windows of like, private businesses. And some of them wouldn't let disabled people in because it made their other customers uncomfortable.

[Theo Von]

No way.

[Fiona Cauley]

Mm. Disabled people have been left behind forever. Like even now, I think as a minority, even though we are the largest minority, we have the least amount of progress. It's because all we're asking is for accessibility and no one wants to spend money. And when money is involved, you're gonna see change real slow. Like, I can't even afford to really make where I live completely accessible. You know what I mean?

[Theo Von]

Like, yeah, people don't even think about that.

[Fiona Cauley]

It's really.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I mean, I don't ever. I don't ever even think about that. A lot of times, like, is this place accessible? Could somebody live here? What would this be like?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, I didn't think about it before I was disabled. You know, I never thought this is all I would think about.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, think about New York. Like, you can't even, like half of the living, more than half of the living, you can't even. Probably doesn't even apply to you because you can't get.

[Fiona Cauley]

Talk to a disabled person that lives in New York and be like, how. What are you doing? I've been a few times now, but not for more than two days because getting around is a nightmare. Like, so many, like, restaurants are just stairs. And so I'll wait on the sidewalk and Matt will go in and, like, send me a picture of the menu.

[Theo Von]

Dude. That's why you don't even think how many comedians who are disabled. Comedians probably haven't even had a chance to shine because of how. Just because of maybe what a place like New York is. Just the fact that it is stairs to get in a lot of places.

[Fiona Cauley]

Name of the seller. Come on. Come on.

[Theo Von]

Think about it, guys.

[Fiona Cauley]

I. I haven't been able. I've been able to get in that side room. They have a little elevator, but not the main one. Like, there are so many clubs. I remember when I started comedy. I had never seen. I've seen, like, Josh Blue. He was a big inspiration.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that's when I was starting out with Josh Blue. He was so great. Dude, I'm so funny.

[Fiona Cauley]

I met him once before, way before I was a comic. I was. I paid money to go to a show with Zaynors. I got face and embarrassed myself in front of him. And then later that.

[Theo Von]

Are you sure that's what happened to you? It sounds like you were just an alcoholic. She didn't get in a drunk driving accident.

[Fiona Cauley]

I can't remember.

[Theo Von]

You went to see Josh?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, and he was doing a little meet and greet, and I was like. And he was like, okay.

[Theo Von]

That's so cool.

[Fiona Cauley]

Really embarrassing. I tried to jump a curb in my wheels were that night. Huh? Fell out and give myself a black eye.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. They just put some speed bumps in our neighborhood, and it's a nightmare sometimes. I mean, it's different.

[Fiona Cauley]

They keep the disabled out. It's like a moat in my world. Oh.

[Theo Von]

Every now and then I'll see a disabled person just stalled out of there at the speed bump. Just.

[Fiona Cauley]

You're like, well, they didn't ask for help, so I'm not helping.

[Theo Von]

Any other news? Was there anything else about the new dream Drew Ski skit where he rips on megachurch pastors? Let's take a peek at it. I love Drew Ski. I haven't seen him in a while. Let's see. Let's see what Drew Ski says here. Let's watch it and we'll get out of here. Do you Want a revolution? I'm gonna have Wanda stand up here. Wanda, please. Wanda told us earlier this month that.

[Fiona Cauley]

She could not not have a baby anymore.

[Theo Von]

So I impregnated her with the word of God. I'm going to impregnate everyone with the word of God. You gonna get pregnant with the word of God? You gonna get pregnant with the word of God? You gonna get pregnant with the word of God? Oh, my God. He can do that. Somebody in the congregation asks why I'm wearing Christmas. He can slip and slide.

[Fiona Cauley]

That's just me trying to do stand up.

[Theo Von]

That's you. That worm.

[Fiona Cauley]

No, with the.

[Theo Von]

Oh, with those. Dude, why don't you get those?

[Fiona Cauley]

We gotta talk to the club.

[Theo Von]

You're like, look, if they're not putting a ramp in, they're certainly not putting in two cables that I can hang from the ceiling from.

[Fiona Cauley]

I just want to be puppeteered.

[Theo Von]

That'd be so crazy if you had a whole musical and it was people that are in wheelchairs and they're all being puppeteered, though, and they have them like, as if they're not.

[Fiona Cauley]

I love it. I feel great. I can't walk, but I can fly.

[Theo Von]

Fiona, thanks so much for joining us.

[Fiona Cauley]

I appreciate it and thank you for having me.

[Theo Von]

I know you and Matt have a podcast called Ramping Up.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And is it out every week?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, every Monday at 4:30 Central.

[Theo Von]

Okay, great. Great. That's beautiful. How long have you guys been doing it? Christina was on.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh, she's the best.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah, she rocks.

[Theo Von]

She's my favorite.

[Fiona Cauley]

Do you know Derek Stroop?

[Theo Von]

I don't know him. I've heard of him.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, my God. Yeah. He's unreal. He's the maybe the funniest working comic I've seen a long time. He's from Nashville, from. He's in New York, but he's from Alabama.

[Theo Von]

I gotta touch base. Maybe I do know him. I bet I've met him here. I don't know. I think I had an aneurysm last year, but we'll see. I'll probably see you.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm saving you a seat.

[Theo Von]

There you go. That's gonna be a new merch. Saving you a seat. Fiona Colley. You can see her live coming up in Chandler, Arizona. San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, January 21st. That's this Week.

[Fiona Cauley]

Week Next week. Next week.

[Theo Von]

Next Monday. Right?

[Fiona Cauley]

Or something.

[Theo Von]

Sunday out in LA. January 27th. I might be out there. That's going to be cool.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

San Diego Comedy works. Denver. Have you been there?

[Fiona Cauley]

No, it's my first time.

[Theo Von]

Dude, it's so cool you're getting to go to all these places.

[Fiona Cauley]

It is very cool. I'm nervous because I assume it's snowing in Denver right now.

[Theo Von]

Now, yeah. And I think there's one downtown and there's one that's on the south or whatever.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'm doing that one.

[Theo Von]

The south one. South one's good. It's got a good. There's like, good places to eat right around there. Oh, and the room is super cool. I've actually never done the downtown one. I've only done the south one.

[Fiona Cauley]

I think downtown is new and it's more like events is what I heard. I'm not sure. Wait, you're going to be in la?

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

At the same time. Time. Well, I'll have to come watch. I have a show at the Belly Room.

[Theo Von]

You do? If I'm there at the same time, I'll do it. Or you didn't. You didn't invite me to do it.

[Fiona Cauley]

No, I want you, dude. That's where I was going. I talk real slow.

[Theo Von]

Oh, sorry. I was like, God, this is getting really.

[Fiona Cauley]

It is nap time. Holy.

[Theo Von]

Do you get a nap time?

[Fiona Cauley]

I mean, if Matt lets me at Pervert.

[Theo Von]

He doesn't let anybody.

[Fiona Cauley]

He just watches.

[Theo Von]

Well, Matt was in the background here, so. Matt, thanks so much for being here. Taylor. That's your last name? Yeah. Matt Taylor. Fiona Cauley. Thanks so much for coming in and hanging out today. I'm glad we got to chat and just laugh and think about some stuff together. And best of luck. And you guys go see her, check her out, wherever she is. It's great. It's really, really great. This is one of the funniest episodes I've had in. I mean, probably two years. Probably some of the most. I laugh.

[Fiona Cauley]

So thank you, thank you, thank you for having me. Cornerstone.

[Theo Von]

Oh, but when I reach that ground.

[Fiona Cauley]

I'll share this piece of my life out. I can feel it in my bones. But it's gonna take.