The David Sedaris Interview with Throwing Fits

Summary

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Throwing Fits Podcast

Episode: The David Sedaris Interview
Date: June 1, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this rich, freewheeling conversation, iconic essayist and satirist David Sedaris joins the Throwing Fits hosts for a wide-ranging discussion encompassing fashion obsessions (particularly his love of Comme des Garçons), the quirks of American and British culture, odd fan encounters, thoughtful (and not-so-thoughtful) gift-giving, the state of contemporary labels—both sartorial and social—and the daily grind of being a working author on endless tour. Stylistic, irreverent, and honest, Sedaris opens up about everything from his clothing maintenance routines on tour to why he hates canned retail scripts, how it feels to be rebranded as "queer," and his distaste (and minor fascination) with modern technology and TikTok. The episode is both a fashion geek-out and a meditation on aging, change, and staying uniquely yourself.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Moments

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Touring Life & Dressing for the Stage

• (01:39) David just completed a 42-city lecture tour before starting his book tour.
• Dressing up for every reading: From the start, David wore a tie and button-down, believing authors should make an effort for their audience.
• Recently invited a younger writer (Frederick) to open for him, who wears Comme des Garçons as a confidence booster.
• Quote (02:57):
  “I always get dressed up when I’m on stage... I saw other people who didn’t make any effort, and I thought, well, at least I made an effort. Right?” – David Sedaris

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Fashion Observations, Wardrobe Talk, and Comme des Garçons Appreciation

• (03:30–04:55) Fashion of audiences varies by city:

  • Best-dressed cities: Kansas City, Naples (FL); worst: Austin, Texas (“Tech bros, extra bad, and podcasters”).
  • Sedaris is “appalled” at what many people wear to his shows.
  • Details how staff in restaurants and airlines now often dress better than guests.

• Fit Check (06:39):

  • Today’s outfit: Yohji Yamamoto trousers (with three fabric layers), Marni sneakers (“Ronald McDonald, four pairs of these shoes”), Comme des Garçons top, mismatched Nike socks, Handro t-shirt underneath.
  • Marni sneakers airport story (07:01):
    A young man asked about his shoes’ price ($800), causing an “audible gasp”—
    “I’m sorry, that’s how much shoes cost in zone one.” – (07:42)

• Care for clothes on tour (08:26):

  • Handro shirts can be washed and dried easily—essential for touring.
  • Loses shirts to hotels (“I know you’re wearing it right now”—(09:29)), recounts having custom shirts stolen or misplaced.

• Giving away clothes: Carefully vets recipients, sends Comme shirts to deserving fans.

• Details on accessories: Specs from Friedrich (Park Ave., real horn), Apple watch “rules my life."

• Laundry logistics on road (11:18):

  • Theaters have laundry rooms, unlike hotels on book tours.

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The Psychology of Style and Audience

• (14:07) Struggles with foot problems (bunions, flat feet), can’t wear most fashionable shoes (“my toes are disgraceful, my feet are horrible”).
• Modern "vices":
  • No longer drinks or uses drugs, but addicted to shopping, especially for others (starts Christmas shopping in January).
  • Best gift given to Hugh: An original Charles Addams cartoon from The New Yorker (“He said afterward, ‘I almost cried.’ And it's like—he almost doesn’t.” (16:41)).
  • On gifts received: “Best gifts should be things you didn’t know existed... something you didn’t know you always wanted.” (17:56)

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The Comme des Garçons Obsession

• (18:21) “They invite me to the [Comme des Garçons] shows, so that means I’ve spent a lot of money.”
• Wishes the fashion world allowed real super-fans into events, not just stylists and celebs.
• On giving away rare Comme pieces: once tried to give shorts to a fan at a show, but was turned down (“Are you poor?” (19:39)).
• On the future of CdG:
  • Doesn’t believe Rei Kawakubo would leave employees out of work post-retirement; expects someone “close to her” to take over (21:33).
• Vintage & international shopping: Prefers in-person (especially at Dot Comme in Melbourne), dislikes online shopping.

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Retail Experiences: Bros, Scripts, and the Human Touch

• (23:39–25:44) Bro culture in stores kills the vibe:
  • Hates "bro talk" ("Hey bro, like your fit!") and any sales script, especially phrases like “welcome in” or canned exit interviews.
• Cherished local shop relationships: Enjoys stores where he is addressed by name, feels like a friend (“You don’t have friends, you have salesmen”—Hugh, (24:33)).
• Hospitality pet peeve: Repetitive check-in scripts at hotels (“How are your travels?”), prefers unique interactions.
  • Memorable moment (28:46):
    Sedaris lies about being a brain surgeon at a hotel, is sincerely praised:
    “Sir, may I shake your hand? You’re one of those people who make the world a better place.”
    He feels guilty afterward.

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On Writing, Fans, and Gifts

• (30:00) Does Sedaris write essays just to get revenge or reminders?
  • He tries not to—explains essay on how anger fuels cleaning, worries about being seen as vengeful.
  • Fan requests to re-sign books: “They always think they’re the first person to ask, but if you tell them they’re not original, it infuriates them.” (33:02)
  • Advice to young fans: “If you were yourself, you could be completely memorable.” (34:21)
  • Some fans try to engineer interactions to be immortalized in an essay, but genuine moments are best.
• Oddest/favorite fan gifts:
  • Often receives “garbage” or impractical items (like taxidermied birds—“I say, oh that’s so kind of you, and then I get their address and write a thank you letter... But I don’t take it with me.” (36:40)).
  • Treasured item: A small brown clay polar bear made by a fan’s mother, “I would have paid $1,000 for it.” (37:57)
  • Regular gifts: Candles from an Indiana fan.

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Living Abroad & American/British Contrasts

• (39:39) What Sedaris misses about America:
  • “Filter coffee... just like a cup of coffee like they have at Starbucks.”
  • European/Australian cafes are now almost all espresso-based, Americano only; Swiss and Japanese will still make drip coffee.
  • In Cartagena, Colombia, a barista refused to add dairy to coffee for “integrity of the beans”; David walked out.
• (42:17) On being an American in Europe now:
  • Remarks on Americans hoping Europeans separate government from people, but notes they don't extend that courtesy to American Jews and Israel.
  • "It's all getting tougher everywhere, and escaping is a fantasy."
• (45:50) Accents and asking about backgrounds:
  • David likes learning where someone is from (helps him map accents), but worries about embarrassing people, especially abroad.
• Hardest British accent: Newcastle ("signed books for people I couldn’t understand" (46:52)).
• Envy vs. aspiration:
  • UK “culture of envy”—explains difference:
    “In America, if your next-door neighbor has a Rolls Royce, you want one too. In England, you want them to die in a fiery accident.” (47:31)
  • British class awareness is deep, even as Americans believe in social mobility more.
• British cuisine: Improved with immigration, but ordinary food only recently tolerable.

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Contemporary Gay & Youth Culture: Labels, Language, Tech

• (52:43) Queer vs. Gay:
  • “It's the fourth time in my life I've been rebranded.” (53:14, lists: invert → homosexual → gay → queer).
  • Disregards umbrella labels ("bipoc"), prefers specificity.
• Is ‘woke’ culture fading?
  • Feels it’s “tired” now, but still entrenched in publishing and art journalism.
  • Shares stories of magazine editors censoring even anti-racist material out of excess caution.
  • “What they got out of all those seminars is, ‘don’t ever mention anyone of another race.’” (57:56)
• Fan question phenomenon:
  • Q&As are tough—people want the mic and sometimes ask only statements, not questions (88:00).

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Technology, Social Media, and AI

• (64:59) Adopts some tech cautiously:

  • Loved iPod, now needs phone:
    “The phone has freed me... I can get lost and count on the phone to find me.”
  • Hates asking for directions, like most men.

• On AI writing (67:23):

  • Finds AI-generated work in his voice very funny, but not useful or interesting; sees it as a novelty:
    “Didn’t spark any curiosity on my part, just the bit itself.”
    AI-written breakup letters are more hurtful, not less.

• Social media and reviews:

  • Not on TikTok ("everyone hates you on TikTok", 70:20), doesn't read reviews, and avoids all online commentary. All feedback comes from live audience—laughter and coughs are the best editors.
  • "If you think a line is so precious, get rid of it. Best advice I ever got." (72:27)

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Money, Spending & Major Purchases

• (77:57) How much do you make a year, David?
  • “Like $3 million.”—shares openly to avoid coyness, notes huge touring and tax expenses.
  • Loves to spend on “just living”—taxes, house repairs (“our house in England is 500 years old”), artwork.
  • Last art purchase: Picasso painting at Sotheby’s (79:29).
  • Most regretted purchase: Avant-garde skirt from Seattle store (“just a skirt... with a donut hole in the middle... why did I buy this?”—80:42).

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Miscellaneous: Dogs, Mayoral Orders, and Criticism for the Hosts

• (73:36) If mayor of NYC, Sedaris’ first three orders:
  • Ban people looking at phones while walking
  • Abolish all scaffolding
  • Impose $5,000 annual tax on every dog (humorously takes it to dystopian extremes, including “shoot the dog in the head” for nonpayment—74:27).
  • Admits he was bitten by a dog and gets little empathy (“What did you do to cause it?”).
• On owning a pet: Momentarily wanted to buy a homeless man’s dog in Seattle because he felt unexpectedly affectionate toward it.
• (83:13) Constructive criticism for Throwing Fits hosts:
  • Appreciates their preparedness (“I feel like the host didn’t prepare... I wasted my time... but not with you guys”).
  • Praises the uniqueness of a men’s fashion podcast: “I think it’s such a good idea for a podcast.”
  • “Your podcast has made me realize... sometimes people are dressed up for themselves, and you can tell by how they carry themselves.” (85:33)

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Memorable Quotes

• On Comme des Garçons:
  “Sometimes when you lose things and you call the hotel, they say, 'No, nothing here,' and it's like—I know you’re wearing it right now.” (09:29)
• On modern retail:
  “I can’t respond to bro talk. If someone says, ‘Is that Comme?’ I hate it. I hate when people say ‘Comme’ instead of ‘Comme des Garçons.’” (24:12)
• On “queer” as a label:
  “It’s because it’s the fourth time in my life I’ve been rebranded... Queer doesn’t tell me anything.” (53:12)
• On the grind of touring:
  “All I do is work. I go on tour... But it’s not like I don’t work for it.” (78:00)
• On audience feedback:
  “Everything in the book was read in front of an audience 30 times. The audience is my editor.” (71:31)
• On critical self-editing:
  “When you have a sentence that you think is so precious, get rid of it. Best advice I ever got.” (72:27)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:39: Sedaris recounts the grueling pace of touring and the rigors of stage dressing.
• 06:39: In-depth fit check—Yohji, Marni, Comme des Garçons.
• 14:07: David’s “disgraceful” feet and struggles with shoes.
• 16:41: Best gift for Hugh—an original Charles Addams cartoon.
• 19:39: Attempt to give away Comme shorts at a fashion show; the fan declines.
• 23:10–25:44: Pet hates about bro retail culture and “welcome in.”
• 34:21: Advice to fans: be yourself to be memorable.
• 36:40: On fan gifts, from trash to treasures.
• 42:17: Living as an American abroad post-Trump and globalization.
• 53:14: Life as a “rebranded” queer person.
• 67:23: On writers using AI and why it’s just a novelty.
• 73:36: “If I were mayor, I’d tax every dog $5,000.”
• 77:57: Openly states his annual earnings.
• 83:13: Constructive criticism segment; Sedaris praises hosts’ preparation.

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Tone & Style

The conversation is candid, sardonic, self-aware, and playful, often veering into dry or dark humor (especially around topics like retail, pet ownership, and the commodification of identity). Sedaris is as prone to witty observations as to sincere reflections on culture, writing, and human connection.

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For Further Exploration

• David’s new book: The Land and its People (out now).
• Sedaris’ thoughts on fashion, touring, and writing found throughout the episode.
• Immerse in his essays for more idiosyncratic takes on life, travel, and odd encounters.

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End of Summary

Transcript

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[Podcast Host 1]

Our guest this week got his papers lit like he's burning that sardonic chronic he's put in his 10,000 steps and 10,000 hours of eye opening observations and autobiographical anecdotes that have hit the New York times bestseller list 10 times. I just hope me podcast pretty one day before the next leg of his live tour kicks off. Here to chat, collecting comm Des Garcon, British culture that still confuses him and the weirdest gifts he's ever gotten from his fans. His new book, the Land at its people's out now authority, David Sedar. David, how the hell are you?

[David Sedaris]

Oh, hello. Thank you for having me.

[Podcast Host 2]

Thank you for coming.

[David Sedaris]

I was in the neighborhood. Yeah, it's not a problem.

[Podcast Host 2]

Just a quick little pop in. Yeah, we know you're a busy guy.

[Podcast Host 1]

You flew it, you've been on the road.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, I just got back yesterday. I, I got back six days ago. I was, I went to 42 cities on a lecture tour.

[Podcast Host 1]

Jesus.

[Podcast Host 2]

Wow.

[David Sedaris]

And then I just started my book tour a couple days ago.

[Podcast Host 1]

Was there anything you forgot to pack?

[David Sedaris]

Well, it's hard because when I went on the lecture tour, right, I always get dressed up when I'm on stage, right? Always. When I very first started in the 1980s, I always like the very first time I read out loud, I wore a tie and button down shirt just because I saw the other people who get up there and they didn't make any effort. And I thought, and also there's this young man named Frederick who I invite to open for me sometimes. And he opened for me at the Chicago theater last week and Comme des Garcons, I mean he's tall and thin. I mean it looked great on him. And he said, he said, I know My writing's not where it needs to be, he said. So I work really hard on my delivery and then I get dressed up so it can show people that at least I, you know, I made an effort. Right. And that's, that's what I starting out. That's what I did.

[Podcast Host 2]

Like an overcompensation to some degree or

[David Sedaris]

just to, just to let the audience know that you, you knew this was going to happen to me. Right.

[Podcast Host 1]

Well, it's like, oh, that guy can afford Columbia garcon. He must be. His writing must be good.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Or no, it's just more, I don't know. I invite, quite often I invite people to open for me and I'm surprised when they'll show up. Like I said to a young woman once, I said, you're not wearing that baseball cap on stage. Like, I just was shocked. I mean she, you know, here, maybe she'd read in front of 15 people before and now there's 2,000 people and that's what you're wearing.

[Podcast Host 1]

This is a Davis Sedara show.

[Podcast Host 2]

Come on.

[Podcast Host 1]

But do people also maybe sometimes go, they dress up extra because you're known as a fashionisto.

[David Sedaris]

No, no. I, I'm appalled at how poorly people are dressed when they come to a show. The other night, where was I? It was somebody and it was really the best dressed. Oh, Atlanta people. The best dress was Kansas City. Really, you wouldn't expect it.

[Podcast Host 2]

Interesting.

[David Sedaris]

And the best dressed on my last tour was Naples, Florida. And I know that that's a wealthy area. Right. But that doesn't mean anything. That doesn't translate to good taste. People thinking, well I'm going to get dressed up. And it's not even a question of how good their taste is. It's just, you know, thinking, well, gosh, I spent X amount of money on a ticket so I'm. And I'm going to go to the theater and it's fun to the night

[Podcast Host 2]

out dressed up, play the part, you know, to some degree.

[Podcast Host 1]

What's the worst dress city typically?

[David Sedaris]

Austin, Texas. Oh, okay. You know, most places though, most places now the staff is better dressed. You know, you get the driver's better dressed than the person in the back seat of the car. The, the airline attendant is better dressed than the passenger. Right. But Austin, Texas is an example. I mean, is an exception.

[Podcast Host 1]

Tech bros. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Extra bad. And podcasters.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. But then you think, how can anyone dress worse than them? I went to a restaurant there and I couldn't believe. How did you lose your appetite? I just couldn't Believe how the staff was dressed. I couldn't. You know, just like, one guy. I mean, he. He had, like, legs like sticks, like, really skinny legs. And then gym shorts that went well above his knee.

[Podcast Host 2]

He was working in gym shorts?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, yeah. With. But with legs like that, you don't wear.

[Podcast Host 1]

That's a health.

[David Sedaris]

You don't wear a short over the knee if your legs are like that. Anyway. And then the woman who waited on us, I just couldn't. I wouldn't even wear that to bed, you know, like, if I were. If I were. I used to work for a moving company.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

And I dressed better than that. In the summer when we were moving somebody to a sixth floor. Walk up.

[Podcast Host 2]

I can't imagine you moving any big piece of furniture.

[David Sedaris]

Really.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. Maybe a couple books.

[David Sedaris]

I'm the mighty aunt.

[Podcast Host 1]

The meth gave you. Strike.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

Was. Was. So these people are just dressed schlubby, like in their pajamas. Is this athleisure taken to its most extreme?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, I still can't imagine it being worse.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

I mean, I. I did something.

[Podcast Host 1]

When you say that, it's. They'll say, give me a shovel.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

Just when you think they've hit rock bottom.

[David Sedaris]

Well, I did something on CBS Sunday Morning about. Because I went to a Broadway show and I just was. And people got furious. Who are you telling me how to dress? And I. I was just surprised. I don't know. I guess I was just surprised because it's funny. Yeah. It's fun to get dressed up.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. Speaking of which, you look absolutely smashing as always. David, could you just quickly walk us through what you're wearing today yourself?

[David Sedaris]

I'm wearing a pair of Yoshi Yamamoto trousers.

[Podcast Host 1]

Delicious.

[David Sedaris]

That have, like, three layers of fabric to them. And. And I don't wear them that often. That's why I'm wearing them today, because I thought I need to wear these, because they. And then a pair of Marnie sneakers that are like kind of clown sport.

[Podcast Host 1]

The bulbous toe.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. Yeah, a bit.

[David Sedaris]

Ronald McDonald, four pairs of these shoes. And really, I was. I was in the airport a few weeks ago and I was wearing them. And we were lined up to board the plane. And so there was group one and two, and then there was group three, four, five. And this guy in group three, four, five, a young man, said, I love your sneakers. He said, who made them? And I said, marnie. And he had never heard of Marnie. And I said, oh, you know, I spelled it for him. And he said, how much do they cost? And I said $800. And the people in his line were like. It was like an audible gas. And I said. I said, I'm sorry. That's how much shoes cost in zone one,

[Podcast Host 2]

you bastard. That's good.

[David Sedaris]

Just a comme des garcon top. And I normally wouldn't wear, like, all black like this, but I have to do a podcast after this. And they said to dress in dark colors.

[Podcast Host 2]

Why?

[David Sedaris]

Oh, I don't know.

[Podcast Host 1]

We're the fashion podcast. We should tell you.

[Podcast Host 2]

They probably have a real set, you know.

[David Sedaris]

No, I think it's all white. And then they. It's. It's one of those ones that they film it, which I hate.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah, sorry about that. Don't even look at the camera there. The mismatching Nike socks, is that intentional? Is that. I mean, they're the same socks.

[David Sedaris]

It's just an accident. They're just like little low socks.

[Podcast Host 1]

Do you wear company garcon or one. At least one piece of contra on every single day?

[David Sedaris]

Probably. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

What about the T shirt underneath?

[David Sedaris]

Oh, it's hand row. Just a hand row. Yeah. I'm always on trouble when I'm. Yeah. But when I'm on tour and I lose a hand roast T shirt, because what's great about them is that I can come back after a show and I can wash it in the sink if I need to, and then hang it up and it's dry by morning.

[Podcast Host 1]

Okay.

[David Sedaris]

So it's made out of some, I don't know, lightweight cotton, but it's hard to. You can't find them in.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right.

[Podcast Host 1]

Austin, Texas.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, you can't find them in Austin.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's gone. It's gone.

[David Sedaris]

There are a couple places in the United States you can. But if I le. Lose one, then I'm kind of screwed. And then I lost a shirt on this tour, too. It was just a. It's just a white Come to Garon shirt. But I had the sleeves shortened so I could wear it with, you know, with the.

[Podcast Host 2]

And whoever stole that is like, what the hell?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

Why are my wrists showing?

[Podcast Host 2]

What's going on with these?

[David Sedaris]

Sometimes. Sometimes when you lose things like that and you call the hotel and they say, no, no, there was nothing. And it's like, I. I know you're

[Podcast Host 2]

wearing it right now.

[David Sedaris]

I know I left it there.

[Podcast Host 2]

Where else could it be?

[David Sedaris]

We'll come together. So it's hard. And they'll say, can you describe it? And it's like.

[Podcast Host 2]

Well, it's insane.

[David Sedaris]

It's. It. It started out as a skirt, and then it said, you know what I want to be pants. And then it became a skirt again. And one leg shorter than the other.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. You actually can't miss them. They're very, they're very obvious and they're

[Podcast Host 1]

like, you know what? I tried to steal it and I realized I don't know what this is, so I'm going to give it back to you.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

I don't even know how to put it on.

[Podcast Host 1]

It's a shirt with three sleeves.

[Podcast Host 2]

More trouble than it's worth.

[David Sedaris]

Sometimes I try to, you know, I, I give a lot of clothes away. Right. And sometimes you realize, oh, you just gave it to the wrong person. You gave it to somebody who's, who's not actually going to wear it. They just wanted it because they wanted something.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Free.

[Podcast Host 2]

You need to vet, you know, your donations and your hand me downs.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. But there was a kid who came to a show of mine in Chicago who had come together song like a, a shirt on. And, and anyway, so I send him shirts all the time because he was already. And then I saw him the other day and he had, he's wearing one of the shirts.

[Podcast Host 1]

I said, do you give him comme des garcon shirt shirts?

[David Sedaris]

Shirt shirts. And just regular come to, you know, on plus shirts. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

What about literally off your back though? Who makes the spectacles?

[David Sedaris]

Friedrich. You know, on Park Avenue. They, they make them in Germany out of real

[Podcast Host 2]

horn.

[David Sedaris]

Hirsch horn. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

The watch.

[David Sedaris]

Oh, it's just an apple watch. That rules my life.

[Podcast Host 1]

In the underwear handrail.

[David Sedaris]

Oh, okay.

[Podcast Host 1]

You wash them in the sink.

[David Sedaris]

If I need to. I mean, usually I don't need to, but it's good to know that in a pinch.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right.

[David Sedaris]

See, I'm going on this book tour and that's a whole different thing.

[Podcast Host 1]

It's like a month long tour. No.

[David Sedaris]

Well, when you're on a. When I'm on a regular tour, theaters have laundry rooms because they're used to doing like Broadway shows.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right, that makes sense.

[David Sedaris]

So I could do my laundry at the theater.

[Podcast Host 1]

Great hack. Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

But a book tour, all you think about is your laundry. And my books always come out in June, so it's hot.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

And so. And you have to be, you know, if you're in a hotel by nine, you can get dry cleaning done. But I'm never there by nine and I'm rarely in a city for two days. So for my book tour I got a pack. And also if you think, well, I'm going to bring these, you know, a lot of things, you wash them, but you don't you know? You don't put them in the dryer.

[Podcast Host 2]

No.

[David Sedaris]

Well, a hotel doesn't. They're going to put everything.

[Podcast Host 2]

They're going to ruin your clothes, probably. Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

So you got to think about that, too. You got to think about.

[Podcast Host 1]

You ever, like, messenger clothes ahead to the next hotel or something?

[David Sedaris]

No, but I bought this thing. There's a store called EGG in London.

[Podcast Host 1]

Okay.

[David Sedaris]

And it's women's clothing. And every woman I've sent to Egg goes crazy for egg.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's a good egg.

[David Sedaris]

And it's. Yeah, it is a good egg. It's got. Partly because everything's got pockets and it's really simple, but it's the fabrics that are really nice. So I bought this thing and I. I went to Saudi Arabia last summer and I wanted to buy. I think it's called a thobe, you know, the gowns that the men wear there.

[Podcast Host 1]

You could wear your priest, your Pope, Cossack.

[David Sedaris]

No, looked. They would all look cheap, right? And then they said, oh, no, you have to have. Most men, they have them made.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, yeah.

[David Sedaris]

So I went to a tailor and then they had the fabrics there, and the fabrics were all cheap, so it wasn't like you could even get a nice one. But anyway, at Egg, I found it was like a women's, though, you know, like it was. And I thought of. And it's raw linen. Anyway, I thought about.

[Podcast Host 1]

It's nice for the summer.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. I thought I could wear that on my tour because then, you know, you have to worry about the pants.

[Podcast Host 2]

No. One and done.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Take the gift out of it.

[Podcast Host 1]

Some parts of the country, though, that might be.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

No. Watch list fit check complete. Let's get into the meat and potatoes just real quick. David, what's your step count today? It's 12:43pm on a Thursday.

[Podcast Host 2]

Foreign.

[David Sedaris]

It's just 9,000, 839.

[Podcast Host 1]

But we're almost there.

[Podcast Host 2]

That's crazy.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, but. No, but I have to walk 10 miles a day, so I'm 4.3 right now.

[Podcast Host 1]

Oh, it's not 10, 000 steps anymore. It's 10 miles.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, that. I mean, that's a minimum.

[Podcast Host 2]

Bare minimum.

[David Sedaris]

Wow.

[Podcast Host 1]

Okay. How are your toes looking? Especially with summer right around the corner?

[David Sedaris]

Oh, my God, my toes are disgraceful. My feet are just horrible.

[Podcast Host 1]

Is that why you have the bulb itself?

[David Sedaris]

I can't wear. I have bunions and so I can't wear. Like, if I lost my shoes, I'd really be screwed if I were on tour because I can't just go somewhere and buy shoes.

[Podcast Host 2]

Is that a Marty flagship in Party City to get.

[David Sedaris]

Sometimes. Well, sometimes a shoe, though, will have a built in arch. Yeah, right. And my feet are completely flat, so I can't. Like, I went to Dior and looked right on these shoes and it's like, I can't. Yeah, can't do it because they've got the built in arch and that's torture to me.

[Podcast Host 1]

I mean, Converse vans, pretty flexible because

[David Sedaris]

my bunion will hit against the. The rubber on the sides of the vans or the Converse that forms a wall. That rubbing bunions. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

So your feet are the most disgusting thing about you, you would say, if you had to rank it.

[David Sedaris]

Gosh, yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Okay.

[Podcast Host 1]

Well, before you're concerned with trivial things like your health, you were once addicted to meth in your 20s. What's your poison of choice these days?

[David Sedaris]

I don't. I mean, I don't. I'm completely sober.

[Podcast Host 1]

I don't like sugar.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

Oh, shopping.

[David Sedaris]

Oh, I guess it would be like shopping. I just can't. I can't go any amount of time at all without buying something. I'm not buying things for me necessarily. It's always someone's birthday or I'm always. You know, I started Christmas shopping in January for next Christmas.

[Podcast Host 1]

Oh, really?

[Podcast Host 2]

What?

[David Sedaris]

Oh, yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

That seems like you might just really want to be shopping versus, like, and you're telling yourself that you're planning ahead or doing some good deed, but you just want to swipe.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, yeah, I really do.

[Podcast Host 1]

What's the. I mean, you must be an incredible. I know. You are an incredible gift giver. What's. What do you think, in your opinion, is the best gift you've ever gotten for Hugh?

[David Sedaris]

For Hugh? Probably a. Gosh. Oh, there's a cartoonist for the New Yorker, Charles Adams, who died, and he was the inspiration for the Adams family, you know, And I got him an original Charles Adams cartoon and I've since gotten him more, but it was that very first one. Because he loves Charles Adams. Yeah. He really didn't expect it at all. And. Yeah, just the look on his face. He said afterward, I almost cried. And it's like he almost doesn't.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay.

[Podcast Host 1]

But he's British. They don't cry.

[David Sedaris]

No, he's. He's American.

[Podcast Host 1]

He's American.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, he's American.

[Podcast Host 1]

My bad. What's.

[David Sedaris]

What.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, sorry. What's the best gift that you've ever received

[Podcast Host 1]

that I've heard from anyone?

[David Sedaris]

Probably, Gosh. Probably from Hugh. And it would be a Golly.

[Podcast Host 2]

Super memorable, huh?

[David Sedaris]

No, I'm just trying to.

[Podcast Host 1]

There's been so many.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, there have been so many of them. Probably Philip Gustin drawing that he did late in his life. That's just. It looks like a ball made out of rubber Band AIDS that's falling apart. And I didn't.

[Podcast Host 2]

Sounds like your feet.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, it does. It. I didn't. I didn't expect that. Maybe that. I don't know. Maybe that's not the answer. I always think the best gift should be something you didn't ask for. It's just something you didn't know existed in the world.

[Podcast Host 1]

It's like that element of unexpectedness or I guess surprise in the gift. Sounds like.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. Just that you would open it and you would think, like, wow, I've been looking this for this all my life. But I didn't know. I didn't even know what it was.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. It's so good, I might almost cry.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, that's the vibe. Yeah. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

Speaking of gifts for yourself, you know, we've talked about Colin de Garcon, your love for it and how much, you know, it's a part of your wardrobe. How much do you think you've spent on Comme des Garcon in your lifetime if you had to just, like, take a stab at it?

[David Sedaris]

Well, they invite me to the shows, you know, so that means you've spent a lot of money if they invite you to the show.

[Podcast Host 1]

You guys. A Vic.

[David Sedaris]

The what?

[Podcast Host 1]

As a very important customer, or do you go as, like, a guest of the show?

[David Sedaris]

Oh, I mean, I guess I go as a Vic, I guess.

[Podcast Host 1]

I mean, so that means you've spent quite a. Yeah, yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

You're on a list, for sure.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, but.

[Podcast Host 1]

And are you making, like.

[David Sedaris]

You know, what I love about it is that. Well, plus, we have. We have a place in Paris, so it's not like. So sometimes I'm just there, and then they say, oh, there's a show. You know, it's. I mean, I always know when. When it's. You know. Anyway, there are all these people who can't get into the show, who I. And I would love. There have been times I would love to go up to one of them, say, please take my ticket, because they. They deserve it. You know, it's like, I feel they invite the wrong people to the Met Ball, you know, people who were dressed by their stylists. And these are people with. Who look super fans. Nobody told them right how to put that stuff together. It's not like they saw something on the Runway. And then they bought all the pieces. You know, they're mixing and matching things.

[Podcast Host 1]

And that's the real show.

[David Sedaris]

It really is. And I had a pair of. Come to get some shorts that looked like you had two pairs of shorts on. And the second pair was falling off. Their clothes are so hard to describe. And so. And I brought them home and I thought, I just wanted to spend money today. I didn't. I don't. So I brought him to the show, thinking, I'll give them away to, like, somebody. And then I went up to this guy, he was with his girlfriend, and. And I said in French, I said, are you poor? And he said. He said, no. And I said, well, look, I bought these for myself and I never wore them. Can I give them to you? Do you want them? And he said, find someone else.

[Podcast Host 2]

He was that offended, he won't even take the free shorts.

[David Sedaris]

Well, I thought. I don't know, maybe he thought, I want. But I explained, I don't want anything in return.

[Podcast Host 2]

Are you?

[David Sedaris]

And then I was too embarrassed to go up to anybody else and be rejected again. But it's nice. It's like a club and you're. It's like a meeting of club members. But you don't. You don't even necessarily speak to these people. I mean, sometimes you do, but you just. I don't know, you just really enjoy one another's company.

[Podcast Host 2]

Kinship, right?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. And it's great. I don't know, it's just great to see them.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

The Crows get ideas from them and

[Podcast Host 1]

to the odds of finding a member of that community or that club that's financially struggling. It's probably pretty slim.

[David Sedaris]

Not really. Not really. I mean, I just chose the wrong person. But there were plenty of people, you know, I mean, I don't know. They were. They saw the tags on them and, you know, I mean, somebody could have taken them and resold them, but I wanted somebody who was just going to think, oh, my God, I Real appreciator. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

Not someone that just wanted to have it.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

Good for you.

[Podcast Host 2]

That dude up.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah, I know. Do you think when Ray Kawakuba retires, do you think Colne Garan is going to end? Like, that's one of the rumors.

[David Sedaris]

Gosh. I don't think that she would put those people out of work.

[Podcast Host 2]

Great point.

[David Sedaris]

And so I think there's not a her in the wings, but I think there's a close to her, you know, I mean, as close as you can get.

[Podcast Host 1]

I mean, it's Been a.

[David Sedaris]

In the wings.

[Podcast Host 1]

It's basically been an incubator for like got dozens of brands.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

You know, big and small. They're taken off from the University of Ray.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

She could scout talent for sure.

[Podcast Host 1]

Is it.

[David Sedaris]

Do you.

[Podcast Host 1]

Do you buy vintage company, Garcon or only you. Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Is there one piece, you know, do you know dot com, The Internet? Yeah. No, it's a. It's a. It's a business. These two Australian guys have a business called dot com.

[Podcast Host 1]

Oh.

[David Sedaris]

And they have a store in Melbourne, Australia because I go to Melbourne every now and then and they have Yoshi Momoto and come to Garcon and it's vintage stuff. And then they had a store, a pop up store in Paris and then they opened a full time store in Paris but then they closed a full time store in Paris. But anyway, you can buy their stuff. They have an online shop but I like going to the place on the place in Melbourne. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay.

[Podcast Host 1]

Is there a piece of calm, whether new or old, you know, from a, you know, specific piece that you haven't been able to track down just yet that you're on the hunt for?

[David Sedaris]

I don't usually do that because I don't buy. I mean I don't like buying things on online. Right.

[Podcast Host 1]

And why not?

[David Sedaris]

I like an encounter with somebody. I like to. And I like. I mean I bought something recently and then because I was looking for just a. A basic white linen jacket, you know, that didn't have anything strange about it. So I went to this place and then it turned out they were like bros in the store. Oh. And then I just.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, our people.

[David Sedaris]

It was eleventy. You know, that's. It's an Italian store. Eleven in New York. Yeah. I mean they've got, they've got them. You know, there's one in London and there's one in. Anyway, but they were bros who worked there. And then I just thought, well, I want the jacket. So I guess I gotta. But it was just bro talk and I can't respond to bro talk. I can't.

[Podcast Host 1]

What's like. What's like bro talk that will like shut you down?

[David Sedaris]

Like your fit. Hey bro. Like your fit.

[Podcast Host 2]

You're on the wrong podcast, buddy.

[David Sedaris]

Hey bro. Is that come. And it's just. I hate it when people say come instead of come together. So right when someone says does that come. You look at your pants.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

Is it. Oh, it is.

[Podcast Host 2]

Wait, so. So did you buy the jacket or you're like, y' all eject. I'm out of here.

[David Sedaris]

I got the jacket.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, I got it. But I did. I just felt like. But, gosh, sometimes he will tell me. He said, you don't have friends. You have salesmen. But the places that I go to, like, there's this place in London, and I just always look forward. So forward to, you know, seeing the guy who owns it. And when I go to, like, the Dover street market in London, those people have been there for ever. And I do. I just think of them. I. I mean, maybe I'm mistaken, but I really look forward to seeing them. And I think they're fun and interesting. And I. I don't. I.

[Podcast Host 2]

They're your friend.

[David Sedaris]

Know me.

[Podcast Host 2]

Do they call you David? Do they call you by your first name or do they address you?

[David Sedaris]

They call me David. Okay.

[Podcast Host 1]

So that's friendly. Do you find in your fashion endeavors, do you find that there's more bros than ever?

[David Sedaris]

I can't. Like I said, I. That's my. I shut down. Like, if I go into a store and they say, welcome in, nine times out of ten, I have to walk out. I can't. The welcome in. You don't need the end part.

[Podcast Host 1]

Welcome, right?

[David Sedaris]

And then. Got any plans for the rest of the afternoon?

[Podcast Host 2]

That's a tough one.

[David Sedaris]

And you know what? I hate? The exit interview,

[Podcast Host 2]

the retail.

[David Sedaris]

You've already bought something, and then they're talking to you about, yeah, but if they're. If they're real people and if they say, what are you going to. You don't even notice it. But it's not a. It's not a question. They have up their sleeve that they pull on everybody. Right?

[Podcast Host 1]

There's a store you should not go to called Buck Mason. Don't go there.

[David Sedaris]

Okay. What did they do that they're.

[Podcast Host 2]

No.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah, they.

[David Sedaris]

They.

[Podcast Host 1]

Every sales associate is like, what's up, bro? Like, we're best friends now.

[Podcast Host 2]

They want to. They want to hang. It's a hang slash shopping experience.

[David Sedaris]

Experience.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. Probably not for.

[Podcast Host 1]

You want a mezcal? You want an espresso?

[David Sedaris]

Like, yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Can I change the music?

[Podcast Host 1]

What?

[Podcast Host 2]

You want to check out the vinyl?

[Podcast Host 1]

Pick the vinyl.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

You like Don Henley?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's for a different type of guy.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah. Tough.

[David Sedaris]

But I find generally, like, I was always intimidated to go into fancy stores. Right. Just for any number of reasons, but not anymore. I always thought. I always thought they could. When I was younger, I thought, well, they can tell that I don't. Can't really afford things here, or they can.

[Podcast Host 2]

Are you poor?

[David Sedaris]

Or they don't want me As a customer, you know, but those tend to be. The more I find I. I get less kind of cliched sales talk from them. You know, like, even at Marnie, when I went to get these shoes, it was like, the woman who helped me was so completely wonderful and not a. We had this conversation that. In the store in Paris, too. Like, we just wind up having these conversations that I didn't expect that are really great, but it wasn't. Was. There was no welcome in. There was no. None of that.

[Podcast Host 1]

Ideally, the people working the stores that are on the front lines of the consumer brand, you know, interaction, they are very interesting people that are, like, reflective of the company that they work for. Right. You one would hope so that they, you know, typically, you might have a decent conversation with them. Again, if you're just interacting with people not as like a. A bro helping a bro.

[David Sedaris]

Maybe I'm wrong. Well, sometimes you're right. You just have to get like, I. I stay in hotels all the time, right? Because I'm just on tour all the time. So when you get to the hotel and they say, welcome in. How are your travels? And it's like, oh, come on, you know, like. Like, I signed books, like, I don't know, four and a half hours the other night in Atlanta, and I never. I've never said to anyone, how are you?

[Podcast Host 2]

Maybe they want that from you.

[David Sedaris]

Honestly, like, it's possible to have an interaction with somebody and have every single one of them be different.

[Podcast Host 2]

Sure.

[David Sedaris]

It's not hard at all.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, you're. You don't want a canned response or a scran.

[David Sedaris]

Thing. Right. Right. Got it. I don't want a script.

[Podcast Host 1]

You're going off script.

[David Sedaris]

The script impersonal, isn't we. We all know where the script goes, Right. And so you just. It. And if. And if you say, how was your. How is. How are your travels? And I say, Well, I spent 18 hours, you know, 12 hours at O' Hare Airport. Oh. Oh, that's all, you know, I was in a hotel a while ago, and he said, here for pleasure. My initials are Doctor. Right. And so I hand my credit card and I said, I am a surgeon, and I am here to separate conjoined twins. I said, they're joined in the back of the head. And I said, We've allotted 18 hours for the surgery. I'm just hoping we can do it in that amount of time. And he came from around the desk and he said, sir, may I shake your hand? You're one of those people who make the world a Better place. And I felt awful.

[Podcast Host 2]

So you're like, yeah, for pleasure, actually. That's incredible. Thank you for your service.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah. Well, you are a storyteller, David. Do you ever write stories or an essay just to remind people how they've wronged you or maybe that they owe you one? Like, I don't know, like how your sister Gretchen maybe should return that Rick Owens cape back to you.

[David Sedaris]

She did return.

[Podcast Host 1]

Okay. After reading, like, a early draft of this or.

[David Sedaris]

I wrote something. I wrote something while I was on this latest tour, and I, I saw my brother on this trip, and he had said, you know, you gotta be. You gotta be mad to clean. You know, like, anger fuels cleaning quite often. Right?

[Podcast Host 2]

Sure.

[David Sedaris]

For housework. And I thought, oh, I thought I was the only one. You know, my sister Amy was with us, and Amy's like, I do that, too. It's one of those things. We thought we were the only people who did it. So I started writing an essay about it. But I thought, I don't want it to seem like a vengeance essay, you know, like, I'm just getting back it. Right. But. And then I realized a lot of the people that I do get mad at, it's stuff that happened 30, 40 years ago. Right? But sometimes when you're signing books, it happens all the time. Now. Somebody comes up and they say, yeah, you signed this book four years ago. Now I want you to sign it again. And you've got. You can't even see the end of the line. And it's like you, like, they always think that the first person to ask you to do something like that, and then it's memorable, then it's funny, and it's tiresome, and it's insulting. You know, I mean, they're selling books right there, yeah, go buy another book.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right?

[David Sedaris]

But so I, I, I put that in this essay. And none of that I get. I mean, because normally I'd get it half dozen times a night. Look at that. But if I read this essay, I don't get it at all.

[Podcast Host 2]

So you corrected the behavior via the essay.

[Podcast Host 1]

So the person's like, slowly just putting that old book back in their pocket. Yeah. By the way, folks, this book is out now, and it comes out on the same day as J.D. vance's new book. So.

[David Sedaris]

Wow.

[Podcast Host 2]

A lot of options if your political

[Podcast Host 1]

inclinations lean the way I think they lean. If you're listening, make sure we get we beat J.D.

[David Sedaris]

well, we both wrote about our spiritual journeys, J.D. and yeah, yeah, because Christ told him to treat Zelensky like That. To humiliate him in front of all the world on the White House.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, that was.

[David Sedaris]

That was a bad day for Christ. But he told you to do that. And I mean, my feeling. Your spiritual journey. Keep it to yourself. Like, if you wanted to write about how you breastfeed yourself. Do you know what I mean? Like, I feel like, okay, all right. Pretty much anything you can tell me about. But your faith journey.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

I mean, give me a break, man.

[Podcast Host 1]

If his mom reads the book, it's. She's gonna abandon him for pills again. You know, like, that's how. That's how bad.

[Podcast Host 2]

Is she dead?

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Did she die?

[Podcast Host 2]

I thought she died. Maybe I'm wrong, huh? Don't care either way if I'm being totally frank, you know?

[Podcast Host 1]

All right, so that's a little hack, right? To treat people, to get people to not trade, to buy another book.

[David Sedaris]

It's not about. It's not. It's not even about buy. It's not really about them money. It's just that. You think that's funny. Yeah. And you. The. The worst. If. If you make people angry, there's no telling, you know, then they're volatile. Right. And what makes people angriest is to learn that they're not original. If you say, I've been asked to do that a dozen times tonight.

[Podcast Host 1]

Snowflakes.

[David Sedaris]

They're not snowflakes because they think and they told their friends they're going to ask you to re. Sign a book. And everyone thinks it's so funny. And then when they learn. But you know, I said to someone a while ago, I said, what made you think that you're original? Thinker. Like what's happened in the past? That.

[Podcast Host 2]

What drama.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. That made you. Do people tell you all the time, like, wow, I never thought of that.

[Podcast Host 2]

You're so.

[David Sedaris]

I never heard a thing like that because pranks are you just.

[Podcast Host 1]

Starting today, my first day at original school. How am I doing?

[David Sedaris]

But. But a lot of times with young people, right? They all say, I figured you must be tired of signing your own book, so will you sign this copy of you know, whatever it is. And they're just. They just want to be memorable. And I want to say to them, like, you're completely memorable. Right. If you were yourself.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Then you could be completely memorable. But maybe you don't have confidence in yourself or maybe you don't think you're that interesting. But I feel like I can find the interesting in you. Like I. And because I don't let people leave the table until they're real. And until they're interesting to me.

[Podcast Host 2]

Wait, have you opened Pandora's box with your fans where they're hoping to have some type of interaction that inspires an essay?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay, so that's. And that's on you.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right.

[David Sedaris]

But often people will come up and say, this is a really funny story. And it's never funny, but they'll tell me funny things. This brother and sister, I didn't know they were run. Their sister. These two people came in Chicago to get book signed and they were like 50, right. And then we start talking and then I find out the brother and sister and then the family. There was a girl and three boys. All the boys turned out to be gay. And then the sister said, oh my, they took my dolls. They took my. My tap shoes. Like, they took her brothers took all of her girl things from her. And that was just so del. And interesting and just a lovely thing to learn. And they didn't come up there to tell me that. It just, just happened. It just happened. And it was really beautiful. But I just find it's often the same thing when people come and tell you what to write in a book. It's like, you don't trust me. Like, what. What I was going to put in your book. So much better than what you just told me to put in the book. But you don't, you know, like, are you like this with everybody? You know, you just try to control it and you're just saying that you. I don't know. I've never been certain that my ideas are better than anyone else's. I've never felt any certainty in that regard.

[Podcast Host 1]

1. Another thing that happens at book signings quite often is your fans love to gift you. Weird, right? What's. What's been the favorite thing that a fan has given you at a book signing?

[David Sedaris]

I get a lot of stuff that's just. Frankly, it's just garbage and I don't take it back to the room with me.

[Podcast Host 1]

I mean, yeah, but it's straight to trash.

[David Sedaris]

But it's. I mean, I'm going to 42 cities, right? Right. So somebody gives me a big if, you know, taxidermied pheasant, you know, with that's that I wouldn't even want if I weren't traveling. Right. You know, I. I say, oh, that's so kind of you. And then I get their address and I write them a thank you letter. You know what I mean? Like voracious. But. But I don't take it with me. But this woman came up and gave me, and her mother had made it, and it was a polar bear out of clay. That is an art project. And. But it was a shade of brown that polar bears aren't. But that was such a lovely shade of brown. And it was so. It had little felt pads under the feet, and it was just like 3 inches tall. And it was a real work of art. I mean, it was. Her mother made it when she was a child, and I would have it on my desk, and it's just beautiful. If I'd seen that somewhere, I would have bought it. I would have bought it at any price. It was just.

[Podcast Host 2]

Any price.

[David Sedaris]

Well, I wouldn't have paid like a million dollars for it, but $1,000. Oh, I easily would have paid a thousand dollars.

[Podcast Host 2]

You're doing better than me, buddy.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, it just really. It's just magnificent, affecting. So every now and then.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

People give you something that's. And there's this woman who I see in. Gosh, she lives in Indiana. Right. And she always gives me a deep, deep candle. You know.

[Podcast Host 1]

They got those in Indiana.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. And even though I'm going to a bunch of cities, you know, it's nice to have a candle in your room. Some friendships.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

So, yeah, that's always classy. And I don't want her to feel like she has to give it to me, but I associate it, you know, I mean, she's given me plenty in the past.

[Podcast Host 2]

So you go to Indiana, you know, you're getting a diptyque candle from this woman.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, that's great. And I've gotten. I mean, I've gotten a number of good things. You know, it's just, again, you. Because you're, you know, you're like, somebody made me a dickie.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah, Like a bib thing.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, yeah. Like a turtleneck dicky. Yeah. But after a certain age, you can't really wear turtlenecks anymore because the bottom of your. The bottom of your face starts to cave in. And so it really emphasizes, accentuates the turkey goblin.

[Podcast Host 1]

It's like a corset for your neck.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay, so Trump can't wear a turtleneck.

[David Sedaris]

No.

[Commercial Narrator]

Right.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

I mean, yeah, you're crisscrossed in America, but you do also spend significant time abroad. We mentioned Melbourne, Europe, Asia. What's the thing you miss the most about America when you're abroad?

[David Sedaris]

Ah, filter coffee. Yeah, I mean, just like a cup of coffee like they have at Starbucks.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right?

[Podcast Host 1]

Not so much.

[David Sedaris]

No, In England now. I mean, Australia, a long time Ago went all espresso based. Right. So all the drink. I can make you an Americano. It's like, that's the one. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

Hot water in espresso.

[David Sedaris]

And England has gone that way too. Like, if you go and ask for a filter coffee after, like 10 o' clock in the morning at a Starbucks in England, our machine's broken. It's like, it's. It's not broken. Just nobody don't want to. But if you go to Aust. If you go to Switzerland and it's five minutes till closing and you ask for a filter coffee, let us make you a fresh pot.

[Podcast Host 2]

Ah.

[David Sedaris]

So it's the Swiss difference. And in Japan they always have filter coffee. But more and more places now when you go, it's just harder to find. When you're abroad. I wrote this essay. I went to a place, I was in Cartagena recently.

[Podcast Host 1]

They got coca there.

[David Sedaris]

I'm in Colombia.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

I mean, different kind of uppers. Colombia. Okay. And I go to a coffee place and I say, I would like a coffee, you know, with some milk in it. That's absolutely out of the question. Dairy would compromise the integrity of our beans. And so I will absolutely not do that for you.

[Podcast Host 1]

Are you sure you weren't in Brooklyn?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, I know it. I knew it and I. I just didn't expect it in South America.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. You almost got to respect it.

[David Sedaris]

Right.

[Podcast Host 2]

The integrity of the bean.

[David Sedaris]

Well, I don't know. I wound up putting an essay in it. Yeah. I'm writing an essay about it because I feel like if I had a restaurant and somebody wanted a steak well done, a beautiful steak, I would say, well, let. Let me give you a piece the way we think it's best. And if you don't like it, then I'm so happy to throw it back on.

[Podcast Host 2]

Let me try to change your mind.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. So I think there's a way to do it rather than just like. No. Like if the woman had said, we think our coffee is so good, it doesn't need any dairy. Let me just give you a taste of it and see what you think. Right.

[Podcast Host 1]

You can always add milk after.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

You always throw the steak back on the grill.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

How was the coffee?

[David Sedaris]

I don't know. I left. Oh.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh. The interaction was. It was such a dick.

[David Sedaris]

While she was talking to me.

[Podcast Host 2]

Hell yeah. Well done.

[Podcast Host 1]

You've written about this. You've written about this in earlier books, but these days, particularly, what is it like as an American to spend a good amount of time in Europe?

[David Sedaris]

Well, I Haven't been. I was there in January. And what it makes a difference in England because I have a radio show in England.

[Podcast Host 1]

I guess we're counting.

[David Sedaris]

So people. So. And I go on tour in England all the time, and so I have a presence in England. So people. People know who I am there. Right. But I'd said this on stage before, and I think it's so true. I think a lot of Americans are wanting to go to Europe now and then. They're hoping. They're just expecting the French and the Italians and the Germans to say, well, I differentiate between the American government and the American people, but I don't see them doing it for Jewish people. I don't see them making a distinction between an American Jewish person and Netanyahu's government.

[Podcast Host 1]

This is the Americans or this is the Europeans.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, Americans.

[Podcast Host 2]

So, yeah, saying treat people the way you want to be treated, you're telling, you're addressing Americans right now.

[David Sedaris]

Okay. But it is going to be different in Europe this summer because. Because everybody's fuel prices have gone up. It's not just in the United States. I mean, I remember before Trump was elected, people said, well, I'm gonna. I'm going to move to. They think it's so easy, right. I'm going to move to Europe. They have no idea how hard it is to move to another country. It takes years to move to another country and you got to take tests and you've got to stand in line. On my deathbed, I'm going to want all the hours back that I stood in line, right, in order to get my papers for England. And I said, it doesn't matter where you live in the world. It doesn't matter if he's president. He's affecting your life.

[Podcast Host 2]

His reach is great.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

It's almost like the world is interconnected. On globalization, I think it's called. I don't know, everything's.

[David Sedaris]

But it is true. Like when people thought, a lot of people said, well, I'm going to go to New Zealand because that's like, you know, the far, farthest away you can get. Yeah, well, you know, it's not like prices haven't gone. There are gone up there.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's on a different planet. You know, you're still on Earth after all.

[David Sedaris]

Right. So it's all going to be hard in. You know, when I meet Russians, one. One thing living abroad kind of stop me from doing is saying to people, where are you from? Right. Because sometimes it hurts people's feelings because it. They don't think they have an accent when they speak English, but they do. And so you're reminding them they have an accent, you know?

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

And sometimes, like, if I think someone's Russian, I don't ask, but then I think, well, if they loved Russia, they wouldn't be here.

[Podcast Host 1]

Right.

[David Sedaris]

You know what I mean?

[Podcast Host 2]

Sure.

[David Sedaris]

So. But I don't ask anymore because I don't want to embarrass them.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay.

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[Podcast Host 1]

You know, is that also kind of like the script of, like, small talk? The expected question.

[David Sedaris]

But see, I. I want to know because I want to be able to, like, if I'm signing books in America, I. I can say to. Are you from South Carolina? Are you from Georgia? Are you from Alabama? And I'm Right, right. Because I. It. Because I travel so much. I don't know. Just have an ear for accents and can tell if someone's from Illinois or if they're from Michigan. Right. And I moved to England, starting all over from scratch. So that's part of it. Asking people where they're from helps you to identify an accent.

[Podcast Host 1]

So what the is this guy from Leeds saying?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. Right.

[Podcast Host 1]

What's the hardest British accent for you to understand?

[David Sedaris]

The hardest one is Newcastle.

[Podcast Host 1]

That's what the Northman.

[David Sedaris]

I have been. I've signed books for people and have had no idea what they're saying to me.

[Podcast Host 1]

There's no Mason. Well, Beza.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

The. Are you saying that's technically English?

[Podcast Host 2]

Technically.

[Podcast Host 1]

But what's something besides. Besides the English language? What is something about British culture that's that still to this day, confounds you?

[David Sedaris]

Oh, well, it's just a very fundamental difference in the way that people think. It's. It's a culture of envy that we didn't used to have in the United States, but after the pandemic, we started having it in the United States. Right.

[Podcast Host 1]

Can you.

[David Sedaris]

What do you like in the United States? And I've said this a million times, but it's I can't think of a better way to say it. And in America, if your next door neighbor has a Rolls Royce, you want one too. And in England, if your next door neighbor has Rolls Royce, you want them to die in a fiery accident. So it's just a completely different way of thinking, like violent people. But actually your chances of improving your social status are better in England than they are in America.

[Podcast Host 2]

David Copper.

[David Sedaris]

But Americans believe that they can do that. And British people don't believe they.

[Podcast Host 1]

But the class, the a centuries old class system.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. That's impenetrable. Yeah.

[Commercial Narrator]

Of.

[Podcast Host 1]

Of England.

[Podcast Host 2]

High society. Exclusive. Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Well, I have a friend who, who is super, super conscious of it wherever you go. It's like if you put a cat into a, a new apartment, you know, like the cat that. He's like that wherever you go, sniffing out. And like these people, I don't know about these people. The cars on this street are really posh and I'm always like, like, who cares?

[Podcast Host 2]

That doesn't mean they should die in a fire.

[David Sedaris]

Nobody can. Nobody's. It's sort of like the same thing with. When I moved to North Carolina as a kid. You would get beat up for being a Yankee. Right. But if you win the war, you don't think twice about it. It's only if you lost the war. And so I thought they were beating

[Podcast Host 1]

you up because you were gay.

[David Sedaris]

No, no, not yet.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, that comes later.

[David Sedaris]

But. But I think my, my friend is super aware of it, but I think that people who he imagines above him or whatever aren't even. They're not even thinking.

[Podcast Host 2]

I don't. It's the only thing about you.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. Huh.

[Podcast Host 1]

What about British?

[David Sedaris]

I feel bad about being trapped in that. Like we don't. And I feel very grateful that we don't have that. But we have. When you're American and you come back to the United States, it's like they took that Rick Owens cape and they soaked it in water and then when you come back they say welcome back. And they put that on your back and that's race relations in America. And your knees buckle it so heavy and then you're free from it when you leave the country. But you come back and they put that on you and it's just shackles, you might say. And you get so used to it, you don't notice it until it's released from you.

[Podcast Host 1]

You know, damn, that cape looks good and that.

[David Sedaris]

But that's the same with like not. And not all British people are like that. But like, my friend is just super, super like that. Or people will. Or even people that I don't necessarily expect it would. Would, you know, would call somebody, basically a name that would mean, like, You know, somebody. Somebody with money. Right.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay.

[David Sedaris]

Even if a rich hour or they hear the act, there's an accent.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

That they hear, you know, like a school accent. That, that. And. And I have a young friend in England who went to Eton. Right. So he has an Eton accent. And it just really. It's a. Like a dog whistle.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

To. To certain people just hate them because of his. Where he went to school, of his accent. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

What about British food? Let's be honest here. What do you. What are your thoughts on traditional British cuisine?

[David Sedaris]

Well, when I first moved to England, if you were going across the country and you said, oh, let's have lunch here, you know, it was. It was bad.

[Podcast Host 1]

Was like beans and toast.

[David Sedaris]

I mean, they needed Indian people.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yes, absolutely.

[David Sedaris]

And Indian people really improve their food.

[Podcast Host 2]

I agree.

[David Sedaris]

But now if, like, if you go to the pub in the village, I just live right outside of. Yeah, it's, you know, it's fine food.

[Podcast Host 1]

Like a Sunday roast.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

No, no, fine food.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, like fine dining.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, it's good food.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, do you drink Guinness with the. With the fine dining?

[David Sedaris]

I don't drink. Oh, that's right. You can't. Correct. It's got. It's gotten a lot better. But I was on tour a couple years ago there, and I was at a dreadful hotel. Just dreadful. And then there was a breakfast, and then the hostess was going around saying, how is everything? And everyone said, oh, it's lovely. And I wanted to stand up and say, it's. It's awful. The scrambled eggs are fake. Like, nothing here is good. But you didn't free yourselves. Yeah, but.

[Podcast Host 1]

Speak up.

[David Sedaris]

But, yeah, I mean, there are times and it's just. But, you know, traveling around the United States, there are times here, of course, similar. It depends on where you are.

[Podcast Host 1]

What's the one thing. Speaking of kind of, you know, not necessarily fish out of water context, but what's the one thing in contemporary gay culture that baffles you the most?

[David Sedaris]

The word queer. And it's a generational thing because I ask people about it when they come to get book signed.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

And I say, how do you feel about the word queer? And a lot of young people say, well, I feel like it's, you know, it's empowering and it's. But it's. It's their word. Right. You know, I. One of the reasons I hate it, not because it used to be a slur. It's because it's the fourth time in my life I've been rebranded. Right.

[Podcast Host 2]

Or the other three.

[David Sedaris]

Well, I was a homosexual and then I was gay and now I'm queer. Oh, I was an invert first because I'm old enough to be in.

[Podcast Host 1]

That's what they called gay people inverts.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, wow.

[David Sedaris]

Okay, so.

[Podcast Host 2]

Didn't even know that one. Yeah, that's a new one.

[David Sedaris]

Homosexual, gay, queer,

[Podcast Host 1]

verb confirmed bachelor.

[David Sedaris]

But. And also, I know it's gonna, you know, I never ever said African American. I thought, you know what? It's too long. I'll catch you on the next one. Do you know what I mean? And that's how I feel with queer. I'll catch you on. The next one's pretty short.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah, I guess not. It's longer than gay.

[David Sedaris]

But you know what? Queer doesn't tell me anything.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay.

[David Sedaris]

If you. So many people who are queer are seemingly straight people who are like open to the idea of a three way. Like they haven't done it, but they're open to the idea. And so now it's all about them being queer. And as a queer couple, I had

[Podcast Host 1]

a gay dream once.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

And so it doesn't. I don't know, it just doesn't tell me anything. And I don't know why you can't say I'm bisexual. You know, like why, why can't you? Why do we need an umbrella? I don't, I just don't. I just don't. It's like it's raining like bipoc. Do you know what I mean?

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Like if you're, if you're black or you're Puerto Rican, why do you need the term bipoc? Why can't you say I'm Puerto Rican or I'm black?

[Podcast Host 1]

Do you think the, the pendulum is swinging away from like ultra wokeness back to like where people are like, whoa,

[Commercial Narrator 3]

what were we doing?

[Podcast Host 1]

We got a little crazy there. Yeah, let's get, let's, you know, be maybe a little. Have some, some reasoning, some semblance of normalcy here.

[Podcast Host 2]

Over correct?

[David Sedaris]

I think so. I mean, I feel it. There are certain places where it's really entrenched, you know, like the art world, not the art world and the publishing world. It's pretty entrenched there, but I feel a lessening of it. And then it feels tired to. I don't know. When people complain about certain things now, it's just like it's like using the word. It's like saying, don't go there. You know, when you're like, oh, really? You still say that?

[Podcast Host 1]

Have you all that in a bag of chips?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. Has, like, the powers that be, like, ever been like, david, you need to be more woke because we want you to keep selling books or you're. You're too offensive. Has that ever happened to you in the past couple years?

[David Sedaris]

Of course.

[Podcast Host 2]

And what do you say?

[David Sedaris]

I. Well, I've been very fortunate. I mean, in. When you're, you know, there's this magazine that said, we want you to write about a Southern tradition, holiday tradition. Right. It was a Southern magazine. Right. And I, not. I grew up. I was born in New York State, but I was raised in the south, you know, But I don't consider myself of the south, you know. Anyway, when my mother died, we tried to have Christmas at my older sister's house, in my dad's house, but it didn't work at all, you know, and we tried at my older sister's house and it was just sad every year because our mother was the one who really made Christmas special. And then three years after she died, my sister Amy said, let's go to a movie that only has black people in it. So we went, and we were the only white people in the theater. My father went too. My father would never go to the movies. Right. So everyone in my family went to the theater. An all black movie. And then we did it the next year. And then we did it the next year. Right. So I wrote about that and I wrote about how nice it was to all get together and go to the movies together. And I. And they were like, yeah, that's great, but can you get rid of going to movies with only black people? And I said, that's anti racist. You know what I mean? Like, what do you. I think everybody went to their little seminar and stuff, and what they got out of it, because it was too complicated, is don't ever mention anyone of another race. That's what they got out of it. Right, right. And, and, and the audience, like, I can feel them, like, turning off, you know, like, if I say that somebody was Chinese in an essay, like, what is he gonna do? Like a Chinese voice now? It's like, no, I just said. I just said someone was Chinese and they recommended a restaurant, you know, but they, they've been so.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Trained and stuff that they just. And I. The way I look at it, that's their problem. That's not my.

[Podcast Host 2]

You're just Trying to see Norbit with your family on Christmas.

[Podcast Host 1]

Right.

[David Sedaris]

What's the big deal?

[Podcast Host 1]

What were some of the movies you guys saw?

[David Sedaris]

You know how Stella Got a Groove Back and we went and saw Jackie Brown one year. We saw. Oh, gosh, I have the whole, I have the list of. They were in the essay that, you know, that they turn down. But, but again, if I were just starting out or if I were really desperate for that amount of money, I would have said, okay.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right.

[David Sedaris]

You know, and you would. Especially when you're writing humor. And I cannot. I, I wrote an essay about. I. It was, it was. I was in Central park and I heard a girl say to a woman who I assumed was her nanny, those, look, those birds are friends. Right. We have a problem. It's you assuming that someone's a nanny. And I said, well, yeah, she was a Swedish girl. She was Swedish and she was 20 years old and she, there was a 7 year old girl with her. So I figured she probably didn't have a baby when she was 13, you know, and I'm allowed, if I went up to someone and said, what's it like being a nanny? And she said, this is my. How dare you? This is my mixed race granddaughter. That would be different. Yeah, that would be different. Like you're hanging your whole self up on this.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

And it's because that's. And it's still quite often that way with the New Yorker. Hasn't been like that with me, thank God. But so many other places, they just freak out over nothing. And there are things that I've read in front of an audience like, you know, and the audience doesn't, you know, doesn't have a problem with it. They're just, they're just afraid one person's going to write.

[Podcast Host 2]

Complain.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, complain. But I don't know. So. But I see that, I see that. Oh, another thing. A magazine asked me to, and I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. I, I'm pretty lucky in terms of getting my stuff out there. But about a big purchase, can you write about a big purchase? Right. So I thought, well, for the first time I bought a sofa. Because usually people give you your sofa and you don't have any idea how expensive they are until all of a sudden you buy one and you're like, are you, are you kidding?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

So I was in Paris and It was like two days after September 11th, and I went to buy a sofa.

[Podcast Host 1]

September 13th.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. And what if I just said September 30th?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. Then we're thinking about September.

[Podcast Host 1]

We need the context. Post 911 era.

[Podcast Host 2]

He's controlling the narrative before the narrative controls him.

[David Sedaris]

This woman said, you have to stop what you're doing. You know, you're, you're going to antagonize the Muslims and they're going to come in, they're going to come over here and they're going to poison our water supply and, and we won't be able to go. And she really completely freaked out. Right. And. And years later, when it was announced, when Obama announced that, that, that Bin Laden had been killed, I thought, well, it serves him right for ruining my experience of buying a soap. Right.

[Podcast Host 2]

He deserved.

[David Sedaris]

We need to take that whole, whole part out and just write about buying the sofa bed. And it's like, there's nothing there. I bought a sofa joke. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

I went to the sofa store.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. There's nothing.

[Podcast Host 1]

That was in 2026. They're trying to take that.

[Podcast Host 2]

When was this?

[David Sedaris]

That was like, I don't know, two, two years ago.

[Podcast Host 2]

There you go.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah, there you go. Well, damn. Write the story, David. We need that. Do you think, speaking of just going back a little bit to like, you know, your, your issue with getting rebranded as queer in contemporary gay culture, do you think if Sniffies was around when you were single, you'd be on there?

[David Sedaris]

What's Sniffy?

[Podcast Host 1]

It's a dating slash cruising app where it's for cruising. So it's like Geo location based and it's just about hooking up, not forming a relationship per se. And there are no face photos. I think it's mainly other body parts.

[David Sedaris]

Well, you know, I don't think. I mean, one really nice thing. I've been in with my boyfriend for 35 years and we met because a friend of mine was. I just moved to New York and I had a friend who did odd jobs and she was going to paint an apartment and she needed a ladder and she knew a guy who had a ladder and I went with her and it was. Hugh was my boyfriend. We went to his loft and he had a ladder we could borrow and that's how I met him. And I feel so well, I mean, I feel grateful to have met him that way, but I just think it's a nice story. But I, I feel like the. I've never even seen Grindr or any, any of those. Right. But I think sometimes you couldn't. Like, people just would look at it and say, oh, he's chubby. Right. So swipe.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

But if you meet someone in person, then There'd be. Might be like, oh, he's really funny or he's really smart or he's got a ladder. Yeah, he's got a ladder. He's got a. And then they might give you a. A chance.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah, right.

[David Sedaris]

Whereas I feel like when it's just all based on visuals, you're less likely to give people a chance. And superficial versus reinforces your idea of a type too.

[Podcast Host 1]

It's like shopping online or shopping in the store.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what it's like.

[Podcast Host 2]

There is an app if you want to hook up with the guys that have ladders. You know, TaskRabbit.

[David Sedaris]

That would be a good title for that. Title for that. Or it could be steps.

[Podcast Host 1]

Wrong.

[David Sedaris]

If you're looking for a young man

[Podcast Host 1]

with steps hung with the.

[Podcast Host 2]

Wrong. There's a whole genre of pornography about that.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay. The rip did land.

[Podcast Host 1]

Is there anything in modern day technology or maybe youth culture that you have come to appreciate over the years? Like maybe you wrote it off at first, then you're like, actually, I kind of. I do really like this.

[David Sedaris]

Gosh. I mean, I loved my ipod.

[Podcast Host 1]

Oh, you still have.

[Podcast Host 2]

You have an ipod?

[David Sedaris]

No, I loved it. But then they made it so you couldn't update it anymore and then you couldn't, you know, And I was like, God damn it. Because then people said, well, just have your phone. It's like, well, then you gotta have a phone on you, you know? But I do feel the phone has freed me up a bit because I can get lost and I can always count on the phone to find me.

[Podcast Host 2]

Sure.

[David Sedaris]

Whereas before I would be, I don't know, it would just be very. You just occupy a lot of time writing down, you know, baby clothes store.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

And, you know, writing down the things you passed so you could find. I mean, I find myself doing that in Japan and it makes me more attentive. That's true. But there's an anxiety to getting lost that I don't know. Even gay men. I don't know what it is like to ask someone for directions. We just. Men are just awful at that. Women don't have a problem with it at all. Or asking the grocery store, can you tell me where the hardest thing to find breadcrumbs? Can you tell me where the breadcrumbs?

[Podcast Host 1]

Are they in the bread aisle? Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

No, no.

[Podcast Host 1]

Where are they?

[David Sedaris]

They are where you least expect them. Canned goods, bread, dairy are the hardest things to find in the grocery.

[Podcast Host 1]

Where are they generally? Do you know?

[Podcast Host 2]

We haven't found them yet. We don't know.

[David Sedaris]

Sometimes they're in, you know, where. Near where the pasta is because they figure you're going to use them to make meatballs. Sometimes they're not far from the bread. Sometimes they're with, like, where you least expect.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's at the grocer's discretion, is what I'm hearing.

[Podcast Host 1]

Ad hoc.

[David Sedaris]

I want to go to a place that's just breadcrumbs. I would, like, get in a car. Well, I don't know how to drive, but I would go miles out of my way to go to just breadcrumbs so I wouldn't have to ask anyone.

[Podcast Host 1]

And you know what you have to do? You'd have to leave breadcrumbs there for your friends that also want to eventually end up Hansel and Gretel and David.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

Here's a question, David. Should writers who use AI be executed?

[David Sedaris]

Should they be executed? I don't know. I don't. The biggest laugh in my book is somebody asked AI to write something in my voice and I rewrote it. And it's the biggest laugh in the book, you know, but it didn't spark any curiosity on my part, just the bit itself.

[Podcast Host 2]

Was it for you?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. And then a friend of mine, we were driving and he said, well, why don't you put chat GPT on your iPad and ask it to do something? And I asked to do a few things. And that was. It was interesting. But I lost. Then I lost interest, like. And I've never used it since.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's just novelty to you.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. Yeah. It didn't. It did.

[Podcast Host 1]

Why do you think it didn't have a equip. Evil. It was too pedant or too, like, sycophantic.

[David Sedaris]

I think it said I would rather. Like I said. I said, my girlfriend has gotten really fat and I want to break up with her, write her a breakup letter. And. And it was. And it said, I will not body shame any, really. And then it wrote a letter that was even more insulting, right? It was so insulting just because it was. It sounded like HR had written it. You know, we both deserve better and blah, blah, blah. It was in. And if someone broke up with me with. Doing. With. With that, I would be so. Oh, my God. People are definitely hurt more than anything.

[Podcast Host 1]

People are definitely using AI to write breakup letter. Breakup texts, that's for sure.

[Podcast Host 2]

Emails I would buy back whatever right now.

[David Sedaris]

But. But I guess because I'm a writer, I don't need it, you know, Like, I don't need. There's nothing I need it for like, oh, give me a plot idea. Like, I don't.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right.

[David Sedaris]

If I. That's, that's, that's. I do that myself, you know, So I don't, I don't understand. I don't, I don't have any need for it that way. Okay.

[Podcast Host 1]

Not even to like. You ever used to write emails?

[David Sedaris]

No.

[Podcast Host 1]

How many exclamation points would you say use in your emails? A lot. A little.

[David Sedaris]

I rarely use them in your emails. Yeah. Okay.

[Podcast Host 1]

Are we ever going to see you on Tick Tock, David?

[David Sedaris]

There was this young woman and she, I think when my last book came out and she said, you know, you're not on Tick Tock at all. I'm going to put you on Tick Tock. And so she, it was set up to a pub. My publicist, I think at the time. And then she came to interview me before, backstage at Symphony hall in Boston. What are your favorite colors? Like? And I couldn't believe what a waste of time it was.

[Podcast Host 2]

Like, that sounds like a skill.

[David Sedaris]

Why would anybody care?

[Podcast Host 1]

What's your favorite color?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. What is it though, by the way? I don't know why you're avoiding the question, David, but her.

[David Sedaris]

Anyway, then other people, Someone came up and said, everyone hates you on Tick Tock. So I don't, I've never really got up. I would never, never looked myself on up on anything. So I don't, I don't know. I mean, I guess now, right. A book would come out and then somebody would hold it up and say, oh, this book sucks. Or you should read this book. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I'm never, I'd never look at a thing like that.

[Podcast Host 1]

Have your publishers tried to get you because. Because book talk is a thing. Yeah. That can like move units. Has everyone been like, besides just starting an accounting, like, you should try. Let's make this go viral on booktok.

[David Sedaris]

I don't know what book talk is.

[Podcast Host 1]

It's like people that make tiktoks about books.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. It's like a subset of content that is created on the app. Okay. Why are we.

[David Sedaris]

I don't know anything.

[Podcast Host 1]

Well, early reviews for the Land and his people. Sounds like got another smash on our hands. Do you pay attention? Okay, forget Tick Tock. Do you pay attention to reviews?

[Podcast Host 2]

Why are you laughing? We're being serious.

[David Sedaris]

I, I don't know the last time I read a review.

[Podcast Host 1]

Really?

[Podcast Host 2]

You don't read about yourself at all. It sounds like right online.

[David Sedaris]

Right.

[Podcast Host 1]

How do you, how do you get feedback or do or do you ignore any feedback?

[David Sedaris]

I. Everything in the book was read in front of an audience 30 times. And if I see people walk out on my side, they probably think, scratch. No, but I hear people. I'm on stage at. And the audience is my editor. And if they laugh, that's great. Then I think, oh, that worked. And if they cough, that means they're not listening. And I think, oh, I should fix that part right there. But I don't. I don't know. Someone said the other day, well, you should just read the good ones. And I thought, well, that doesn't seem fair. It seems like then you're putting yourself in even more of a bubble if you just read the good ones. I don't. I don't know why I don't read them. Maybe. I don't know.

[Podcast Host 1]

Like, at this point, you figured out when you write something, you're like, oh, that's a good one, or, oh, that's kind of a stinker. Or is it really?

[David Sedaris]

There was a line I put in a story and an essay, and I didn't follow the best advice I ever got, which was, when you have a sentence that you think is so precious, get rid of it. Right. Good. Best advice I ever got. And I didn't do it somewhere. And then somebody just wrote asking if they could use that line in their wedding vows. And I thought, that must be a bad line.

[Podcast Host 2]

That's a stinker.

[David Sedaris]

Use it in their wedding vows.

[Podcast Host 2]

That's the ultimate.

[Podcast Host 1]

Do you remember the line?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

No, I don't, but it was taken in context. But I remember when I wrote it, I thought, that's really. That's really so good. I thought that should mean. That means you should get rid of it.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah. That's hilarious.

[Podcast Host 1]

Kill your idols. But your idols being your most precious work.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. All right.

[Podcast Host 1]

David, if you're elected mayor of New York City, we know what the first two executive orders you're passing are going to be. Banning people from looking at their phones while they're walking and abolishing all scaffolding. What's the third executive order that you're passing on day one of your.

[David Sedaris]

I will have a $5,000 tax on every dog.

[Podcast Host 1]

Every dog. No.

[David Sedaris]

Every dog. Yeah, because they just cause so much damage.

[Podcast Host 1]

And, like, pooping. What is.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, what do I mean?

[David Sedaris]

Peeing on things? Pooping. Just. Just barking, you know, and bothering lots of people. You can still have one, right? You just have to pay a $5,000 tax.

[Podcast Host 2]

Is that yearly?

[David Sedaris]

And if. Yeah, yearly. And if you. There's a scanner right. On your dog's collar or something. We'll figure that out and chip them. And then if, and then there'll be people who, because the tax it'll generate, we can have this whole crews of people going out and then they would say, oh, you didn't pay the tax on your dog. And then they shoot the dog in the head.

[Podcast Host 2]

Martial law, baby.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

I mean, listen, that's, you're going to, what are you going to do with that money? What does the city do with the, the million. Millions of dollars.

[Podcast Host 1]

Billions.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Well, what do they do with it?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Oh, my goodness. There's any number of things they can do. Gosh, I, I.

[Podcast Host 2]

More guns to kill dogs with.

[David Sedaris]

Well, now I think we need to create more cat friendly environments. Do what? I mean, right? There are no, there are no cat environment. I don't have a cat. I just, just, I just, you know, I was bitten by a dog. Yeah, right. Last year in Portland. Yeah. And, and you know, and I told people I was bitten by Doug. Well, what kind of dog?

[Podcast Host 2]

Was there one with teeth?

[David Sedaris]

No, they were. And I've talked to other people who've been bitten by dogs and it's same thing.

[Podcast Host 2]

I like a support group. How often are you talking to other people that have been bitten by dogs?

[David Sedaris]

Well, people come up to me at the book signings and they, because I wrote about it, trauma. And they come up and they have amazing stories like this woman, she's sitting on a sofa and she went to somebody's house and then the dog grabbed her by the back of the neck. Right. And the owner came and pried the dog's jaws open and said to this woman, I told you not to make any sudden movements. You scared him. But that's always the case. It's the person who got bit. It's, it's got to be. When I told people, I told a neighbor in my building, I got bitten by dog. What did you do? Because it had to be my fault.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right.

[Podcast Host 1]

Do you see a lot of, like when you're traveling, do you see a lot of, like, service animals on the flights and in the restaurants, everything?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, if I were, Yeah, I do. And I, if you were president. If I were president, I would get rid of, I would say, if you're blind, you can have a dog. But anything other than that, no emotional

[Podcast Host 1]

support, animals out, out completely.

[Podcast Host 2]

Find another thing, you know.

[David Sedaris]

But the other day I was in Seattle and I was walking home back to my hotel, and this man stopped me and he Said, do you have a pen I can use? Because he was making a sign for, you know, saying, spare change, whatever. And he had this little dog, and the dog seemed to like me for some reason. And usually when dogs come up to me, I just. Just back away. But anyway, I did and I. And I felt in that moment I wanted to say, can I give you 300 for this dog? And I just felt like I wanted. And this never happened to me. I just felt like, oh, I want to love this dog. Wow. For the rest of its life.

[Podcast Host 2]

Because it liked you.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. And there was just something pathetic about it. And it just seemed like I thought, this dog's different.

[Podcast Host 2]

That's gross dog. With me, it's growth.

[Podcast Host 1]

No.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, but I thought if you're. If you're begging for money, I mean, why wouldn't you sell the dog? Right?

[Podcast Host 2]

Well, I mean, some things are invaluable, even if you're ultimately unhoused.

[David Sedaris]

But I mean, maybe it helped.

[Podcast Host 1]

This woke guy said unhoused.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

You know, David, sounds like you got money to spare on homeless people's dogs. Tonaconda, garcon. How much money do you make?

[David Sedaris]

How much money do I make?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

A year?

[Podcast Host 2]

Sure.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Like $3 million.

[Podcast Host 2]

All right. Thanks for answering the question.

[David Sedaris]

Wow. But I mean, I'm. All I do is work. I mean, all I do is I go on tour and. I mean, I answered the question because I don't like it when people don't answer the question. Right, right. You know what I mean? It just drives me crazy when people won't answer the question. So anyway. But. But it's not like. It's not like I don't work for it.

[Podcast Host 2]

You sound underpaid, frankly. No, with the amount.

[David Sedaris]

Say that, but. And. Well, that's before taxes.

[Podcast Host 2]

Sure, of course.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Before the dog test.

[Podcast Host 1]

I'll get into that. What do you. Besides clothes, Besides investing in, like, you know, the tour itself and paying for, like, hotels and stuff? What do you like to spend your money on? Your hard earned money on.

[David Sedaris]

Gosh, it just costs a lot to. Just to live. Do you know what I mean? Like for, you know, taxes and every. I pay taxes in every country I perform in. Every state I perform in, I have to file taxes. It just costs a lot of money to keep things going, you know? Like our house In England is 500 years old. So that constantly needs.

[Podcast Host 1]

Is it drafty?

[David Sedaris]

Oh, yeah. I mean, it constantly needs.

[Podcast Host 2]

It's a fixer upper work.

[David Sedaris]

We have a place here and you know, there's constantly like oh, look, we need a new boiler. So everyone's got up great money for that artwork. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

What was the last piece of art you got?

[David Sedaris]

I bought a Picasso painting. Oh. In Sotheby's. Heard of them last summer.

[Podcast Host 1]

Oh, okay. All right.

[David Sedaris]

I'm a gentleman art collector.

[Podcast Host 2]

Ah. That's what they used to call gay guys. Right.

[Podcast Host 1]

These book advances are going up. And is there. Okay, maybe not the Picasso painting, but is there a purchase you made recently that you kind of regret buying?

[David Sedaris]

Remorse. Yeah, maybe. There's a store in Seattle. There used to be a store called Totokaya.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, yeah, we're very familiar.

[David Sedaris]

And then Classic Todokaya is gone.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

But the atelier is there. And they have an atelier in New York as well. And it moved right in. It moved into todo kyo space. And they've got. They've got great stuff. And the people who work there are lovely. So whenever I go to Seattle, I run there and I got. It's not. It's just. No two ways about it. It's just a skirt, you know, it's a comedic skirt that has a donut hole in the middle of it. So it's kind of like a skirt. And then said, I want to be pants. No, never mind. I'll be a skirt again. Right.

[Podcast Host 1]

Oh, window for your.

[David Sedaris]

No, no, no. It's like, at the knees. And then it's so hard to describe. It's like it's got these kind of tubes kind of coming down from the sides of it. And I got home and I thought, when did I. Why did I buy this? Right. Yeah. And then I thought, well, I bought it, so now I need to wear it all the time to get my money out of it. So I wore it, you know, in the hotel. I wore it to dinner that night. I wore it to breakfast the next morning, you know.

[Podcast Host 1]

So you got some mileage out of it. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

I'm surprised you can try to pawn it off on a poor person.

[David Sedaris]

Well, there's some people I know, some. Plenty of people I can give it to. It's really not. It's really nice.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

Your name came up when we had Nick Wooster on the podcast. I don't know if you guys are friends, but he mentioned you as a fellow avid Cole de Garcon enthusiast. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, he's a fashion.

[Podcast Host 1]

Maybe you guys could, like, link up and swap some war stories, watch some calm. But it sounded bad, so swap some. Com to Garcon.

[David Sedaris]

Well, I think because I'm on stage all the time, I think that's part of what leads me to, you know, because I always think, oh, I can wear it on stage.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

But I get up and I. I met all these people who are like, oh, in the pandemic, I started wearing sweatpants all the time. So. And I just kept with that. I don't. And I never wore sweatpants once during. Anyway, I get up and I think. I lay in bed and I think, what am I going to wear to my desk?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

And I really. I don't know. I get dressed up to go to my desk, and then I should. Yeah. I don't know. I changed my clothes a lot during the day because I have a lot of clothes, and then I think, well, I might as well get some use out of them. And, you know, most anyone would look better in my clothes than I do. Yeah. So that's. But that doesn't have. I don't know. That doesn't have anything to do with it, really. I don't know. I don't want to be stared at, but at the same time, I want to wear what I want to wear.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

You know, so that's.

[Podcast Host 2]

I think that's a good mind. That's a healthy mindset to have with trying new fashion.

[Podcast Host 1]

Obviously.

[Podcast Host 2]

Do it for yourself.

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah, we love that. David, before we get you out of here, onto the podcast, you got to go on to with the all white set. Last question for you. We've had such an amazing time. We've been fans of your work for a quarter of a century now at this point, so this has been amazing for us.

[Podcast Host 2]

Dream come true.

[Podcast Host 1]

But last question. Do you have any constructive criticism you would like to give us on how we could maybe improve upon everything we've done today?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. Improve upon your.

[Podcast Host 1]

Just every.

[David Sedaris]

Well, I have to say that quite often I go on a podcast and I feel like the questions just aren't very good. Right. I feel like the host didn't prepare. I feel like. Well, I just feel like I wasted

[Podcast Host 1]

my time and that's how you looking

[David Sedaris]

forward to coming on. On the show. Because a lot of the clothes that you guys talk about, it's stuff that I haven't heard before. They're, you know, and I write things down and they're people who I haven't heard of before.

[Podcast Host 1]

So you did your research on us.

[David Sedaris]

Wow. Yeah. Oh, wow.

[Podcast Host 2]

That's believable for sure.

[Podcast Host 1]

That's amazing.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

Thank you.

[David Sedaris]

I don't. I think it's such a good idea for a podcast, too. And I think you don't Expect men to have a podcast about that.

[Podcast Host 1]

It's. It's a. An audio medium about a visual art form.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yes.

[David Sedaris]

Right. So it's a little bit hard because the audience can't, you know, can only see what it is that you're wearing.

[Podcast Host 1]

But describing Comme des Garcon, you. Yes, said yourself that's like, that's really hard to.

[Podcast Host 2]

An impossible task, if you will. Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

But I feel like another thing that your podcast has done is make me realize, like, a lot of times if I think, like, today I'm dressed like a slob. No, no, no, no. I realized. I mean, I had some options, you know, I mean, but I thought, well, I could have worn a sport coat and I could have worn. But I also like dressing like a slob. But they're all good pieces, you know, and when you look at them and. And your podcast made me realize, oh, there are a lot of people, and I just don't recognize what it is that they're wearing. Like, you guys would recognize and you would say, oh, that's a jacket by so and so. But it's not anybody that I've heard of. You know, they're. They're. Or they're like. So it just made me realize, oh, some. Sometimes, like. And I think that in the airport, too, and I think, oh, that person is dressed up for that person. Like, they put some. Thought you can just tell by the way they carry themselves.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yes.

[David Sedaris]

And you thought, oh, those sneakers mean a lot to that person, you know?

[Podcast Host 1]

Zone 4 sneakers.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. Zone 4.

[Podcast Host 1]

Is that Group 4 sneakers?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Podcast Host 2]

A little full circle back to fit Check.

[Podcast Host 1]

David, we want to thank you for coming onto the only Podcast Matters. Where can the kids follow you on social media? What would you like to plug? I think you have a book out right now.

[Podcast Host 2]

Instagram, right?

[Podcast Host 1]

Yeah. You're not.

[David Sedaris]

I've never even seen my Instagram. Really?

[Podcast Host 1]

It's pretty good.

[David Sedaris]

Is it? I don't know. I. There have been times in my past that I thought. I thought, well, I should get into that, you know, and I can find something every day to put up, but then I. I would rather do anything, but it doesn't.

[Podcast Host 2]

You're gonna get addicted, too. That's what happened to Keith McNally.

[David Sedaris]

Well, like, I think my sister Amy is really good on Instagram, but it takes her all. It takes all her time to do that. Okay. And so I think that's it too. Like, people have said to me, you should have a podcast. And I thought it would take all my time to have A podcast. Like, it's not like you just, oh, if someone's going to come by and we're just going to talk and like, oh, we'll just talk. But, you know, a lot of times I overhear people if I'm by myself in a restaurant and I listen and then I like, I stop listening because they're not talking about, you know, shut

[Podcast Host 2]

off the podcast in real life, murder

[Podcast Host 1]

that they committed or this conversation is incredibly.

[David Sedaris]

So you can't open ways.

[Podcast Host 2]

Right.

[David Sedaris]

So if you want it to move, you got to do. You got to put work into it. Hey, so I think that you were

[Podcast Host 1]

about to say that we asked good questions, but we stupidly cut you off before you could.

[David Sedaris]

Pardon?

[Podcast Host 1]

Never mind.

[Podcast Host 2]

We, we didn't ask you what your favorite color was. In earnest is basically saying, is it red?

[Podcast Host 1]

Is it black?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah, blue.

[David Sedaris]

Blue, Green, I. Purple. There's always a Q and A at the end of a book thing.

[Podcast Host 1]

Oh, how bad are those? Whoo.

[David Sedaris]

And then often it's, what's your favorite? And I, I, and I, and I just say, oh, I. You know, that just changes so every day, right? What's your favorite book? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite color movie with all black people? Yeah. Yeah.

[Podcast Host 1]

What? Yeah, why don't you not do those

[David Sedaris]

Q and A's just on Christmas?

[Podcast Host 1]

Whenever we do live anything, we will say, we say no Q and A's because people are either going to be too scared to ask questions or the questions are going to be really bad dog.

[David Sedaris]

Part of the problem is you probably have someone in the audience with a microphone.

[Podcast Host 1]

Don't do that.

[David Sedaris]

Don't ever do that. That person wants your microphone.

[Podcast Host 2]

Okay?

[David Sedaris]

And that's a three part question. Or it's a. Or it's a statement. You never want that.

[Podcast Host 2]

A declarative statement.

[David Sedaris]

What I do is I call on people. Like, even if it's, oh, I was in Chicago the other day and it was 3,000 people in the audience.

[Podcast Host 2]

Wow.

[David Sedaris]

Right? And then somebody asked a question that I don't want to answer, and I'll say Tuesday. Next question.

[Podcast Host 2]

Amazing.

[Podcast Host 1]

All right, well, maybe that's a criticism we can take with us, David. Thank you again, David. The only podcast matter Chef, take us

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