Bert Kreischer & You May Say It’s Disturbing

Summary

TigerBelly Podcast Summary

Episode: Bert Kreischer & You May Say It’s Disturbing
Release Date: March 19, 2025
Hosts: Bobby Lee, Khalyla, Jules
Guest: Bert Kreischer

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Episode Overview

This episode of TigerBelly delivers an uproarious, loose, and sometimes deliberately uncomfortable exchange between hosts Bobby Lee, Khalyla, Jules, and their larger-than-life guest, Bert Kreischer. The conversation riffs on comedy industry insider stories, the fragility of the ego, ethnic identities, narcissism, body image, personal hygiene, the economics of sitcoms, and the never-ending search for new bits.

With plenty of tangents, absurd improvisations, and a recurring theme of self-examination (are these guys actually narcissists? sociopaths?), this episode is a blend of very raw comedy and real industry insight, heavy on playful insults, self-deprecation, and unpredictable musical breaks.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Comedy as Family, Industry, and (Dysfunctional) Career

• Starting Out & Career Progression

  • Bert and Bobby reflect on their start in comedy (Bert at 25, Bobby at 23) and the strangeness of seeing younger comedians now. Bert notes he was less nervous because “if it’s not good, what do you expect? I’ve never done this” (22:48).
  • Discussion on aging in stand-up and the changes in the business (23:25), with nods to comics like Ron White and Jimmy Walker.

• Sitcom Money & Changing Economics

  • Fascinating breakdown of how sitcom money has changed—comparing 70s-90s deals (e.g., “Kevin James was making $750,000 an episode” at 25:33) to today’s economics, with reflections on Modern Family, Roseanne, and syndication.
  • “Dude, that’s like having a podcast now. I mean—” (25:37, Bert).

• Would You Want to Do an Arena Tour?

  • Both joke about the appeal and drawbacks of “gigantic theaters” and arena tours, with Bobby emphatically stating, “Don’t want that in life” (73:52).

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2. Purely Absurd: Personal Hygiene, Bodies, and Oversharing

• Shaving, Hairlessness & Comparative Physiology

  • A major recurring tangent—Bert’s grooming routine, body hair, and Bobby’s relative “hairlessness” as an Asian man (47:09–53:00).
  • “Out of all the comedians I know, I’ve seen your taint, your butthole, your nut sack and penis.” – Bobby to Bert (47:15).
  • Bert shares: “I have the cleanest butthole in the world...I shaved it yesterday” (47:27).
  • The group debates dingleberries, bidets, and the universal struggle of shaving nether regions.

• Jockstraps and Underwear

  • Bert discovers and raves about jockstraps, swearing off traditional underwear for their comfort (“Yesterday I put on a jockstrap and I went—hold on… I bought so many pairs of jocks.” 57:02).

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3. “Are We Narcissists?”—Diagnoses, Self-Reflection, and Comedy Therapy

• Meta-Diagnosis Culture & Social Media

  • Frustration with social media’s armchair psychology: “I’m so tired of Instagram with these meta-diagnoses on psychological problems.” (03:51, Bert)
  • “Are you a clinical psychologist? What’s going on on the Internet?” (04:28, Bobby)

• Narcissist vs. Sociopath Self-Audit (and Peer Review)

  • The guys run through checklists of narcissism and sociopathy, dragging Ari Shaffir and their wives into the diagnosis game via calls (28:41–41:01).
  • “Ari, your dog, I’m with Bert...Who do you think is more narcissist, me or Bert?” (88:32)
  • Ari: “I think neither one of you really knows what that word means. I said you’re both too dumb to understand the meaning of that.” (89:06)
  • Relentless, comedic debate over who lacks empathy, who is arrogant, who demands attention, and who exploits others—and why being a comedian is basically being a narcissist by default.

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4. Ethnicity & “Animal Behavior”—Stereotypes and Playing With Fire

• Accent Battles & Laugh Stereotypes

  • “We mash up Birdie boy, mash up Tiger Belly—like the dream team.” (02:53)
  • Long riff with attempted and dissected Asian, Australian, British, and various “black guy” accents, with recurring self-awareness about crossing lines and apologizing for offensive bits.
  • They imitate how different cultures laugh, with varying degrees of sensitivity (75:31–78:03).

• Physical Similarity Stereotypes

  • Running joke about whether all Asians or all bald white guys look alike, with Bert: “But there is...a big chunk of Asians. Not all of them, but a big chunk that do look alike...With bald white guys...there’s a big chunk of them that look all the same” (42:26).
  • Bobby and Bert both search for people who look like them online, playfully critiquing the concept of individuality in appearance.

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5. Musical Mayhem—Improvised Songs and Parodies

• Imagine Parody & ChatGPT Song Experiment

  • A highlight comes when the crew writes and performs a ChatGPT-prompted parody of John Lennon’s “Imagine,” with live piano and collaborative (sometimes cringe) harmonies describing each other’s nakedness, career choices, and odd habits (37:32, 67:06–69:41).
  • “Imagine Bobby naked, rolling on the floor, telling us his trauma like we ain’t heard before.” – Bert, singing (67:42).

• Bobby’s Piano Skills & Ethnic Stereotypes

  • Bert jokes about “how much of piano skill is just being Asian?” and the stereotype of Asians excelling at violin and math—immediately called out and played up (07:55–08:12).

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6. Hollywood "Clubs," Representation and Asian American Networks

• The “Asian Clique” in Hollywood

  • Bobby and Bert dig into whether there’s an “underground Asian team” in the industry: “I have threads that are exclusively Asian.” (83:57, Bobby)
  • They call Bobby’s friends, playfully exclude Bert, and riff on ethnic in-group bonding and representation.
  • “If you Google Bert Kreischer with Asians, it’s just a photo of you and Kalilah with him.” (73:55, Jules)

• Industry Networking and Project Teases

  • Bobby pitches Bert to do voices on his upcoming animated show with Andrew Santino.
  • Shoutout to friends in the business, e.g. Jean (staff writer/producer), with some light teasing and Hollywood “who do you know” banter.

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Notable Quotes

• On the Narcissism of Comics:
  “If you’re a stand up comedian—yes, everything’s about yourself.” – Leanne (Bert’s wife, recounted by Bert, 29:08)
• On Industry Change:
  “Kevin James was making $750,000 an episode...Dude, that’s like having a podcast now.” – Bert (25:33)
• On Self-Image:
  “I have the cleanest butthole in the world...I shaved it yesterday.” – Bert (47:27)
• On Representation:
  “I have threads that are exclusively Asian.” – Bobby (83:57)
• On Parody:
  “Imagine Bobby naked, rolling on the floor, telling us his trauma like we ain’t heard before.” – Bert, singing (67:42)
• On Calling Friends:
  “Are you sure you weren’t doing the accent from the song?” – Bobby to Jules, ribbing her for carrying the joke too far (22:32)
• On Group Dynamics:
  “No one wants to be someone’s assistant their whole life.” – Bert (01:48)

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Memorable Moments with Timestamps

• Sitcom Money War Stories: 25:33–27:58
• Bert’s Butthole Grooming Saga: 47:09–53:00
• Are We Narcissists? Self-Diagnosis: 28:41–41:01
• Gene, Bobby’s friend, enters for awkward audition/interview: 78:21–83:36
• Improvised ChatGPT “Imagine” Parody: 67:06–69:41
• Accent Battle and Cultural Laugh Stereotypes: 75:31–78:15

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Tone & Style

The episode is quintessential TigerBelly: raucous, self-referential, equal parts gross-out and insider, with affectionate ribbing and sudden shifts to the earnest and wistful. The group is unafraid to lampoon themselves—Bert’s boisterous, Bobby deadpan and erratic, and Jules the ever-game sidekick.

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Listeners, Start Here

• Want to understand the (totally dysfunctional) egos of your favorite comics?
  • Jump to 28:41 for their self-diagnosis session.
• Curious about inside comedy and the business of sitcoms?
  • Hear them break down sitcom paydays from 25:33 on.
• Ready for absurd body talk and oversharing?
  • Start around 47:09 for Bert’s “cleanest butthole” saga.
• In the mood for improvised music and playful song parodies?
  • Don’t miss the “Imagine” parody at 67:06.

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This episode is for fans of comedy without guardrails, fascinated by the mess behind the scenes, and ready to laugh at both inappropriate jokes and the comedians themselves.

Transcript

[Jules]

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[Bert Kreischer]

Happy birthday to us.

[Jules]

It's delicious. Get it?

[Bobby Lee]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Jules]

What's happening?

[Bobby Lee]

No, no. You can't lose them.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. I know.

[Bobby Lee]

What, you got a better job?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. I said to him, I was like, listen, we're starting a sitcom. We just started production today.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I said, everyone, I was like, yo, if you guys want to take this as an opportunity to grow, you should.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was like, I'm gonna take you up on that. So I was like, cool. It's. It's right for him, dude.

[Bobby Lee]

What do you want to do, produce it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think he just wants to get into production and making. Making television and making movies.

[Bobby Lee]

Is he working with you on this sitcom?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I set him up with my buddy Tony. Said you guys should have a conversation and just see what's out there. It's like, yeah, dude. No one wants to be someone's assistant their whole life.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. I think it's a good job.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, look at these guys. They're going nowhere.

[Bobby Lee]

I know. I. I know. I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

What happens. Okay. Ready? For real, though, what happens? Like, say Bobby dies. What do you. I mean, I work for you.

[Bobby Lee]

We.

[Jules]

We go build up your studio. We build an empire.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

I mean, these are good guys, but I think that.

[Jules]

Thanks, man.

[Bobby Lee]

Gilbert already wants to leave.

[Jules]

Only 10 to work for Bert.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah. All right. And then I think George still has. Oh, but if I'm dead, no bad friends.

[Jules]

That's a tough one.

[Bobby Lee]

That's a tough one.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, we should do what? We should join first. Never mind Asian accents.

[Bobby Lee]

What's going on?

[Bert Kreischer]

Should join voices. We should join forces.

[Bobby Lee]

It's okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've had so much coffee today.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. We'll give you another shot here.

[Bert Kreischer]

We should join forces.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, Very good.

[Bert Kreischer]

And do like a epic podcast production house.

[Bobby Lee]

Dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

We mash up Birdie boy. Mash up Tiger Belly.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, we should. We sure should, Bird. Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wonderful. No, it's like, it's like, what if we. We just made the dream team.

[Bobby Lee]

Well, here's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you guys produce bad Friends also? Why don't we just bring you into the loop over at your mom's house?

[Bobby Lee]

We were already. Bad friends is at your mom's house. Oh, what about advertisement about Tiger Belly? They won't have us, would they?

[Jules]

We're at a three letter company still.

[Bobby Lee]

We're at atc.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, for real?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That's great.

[Bobby Lee]

But that would be my ultimate dream is that, you know, I mean, us, our ecosystem, create like this company, you know, I think Allan at YMH is great.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's awesome.

[Bobby Lee]

He's a hungry.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's awesome. Here's the deal. I don't want the. I don't want the lift. Tom doesn't mind. Like, Tom doesn't mind dealing with. With comics and like being everyone's boss. Cause I just think about me like I do. I go, how does this benefit me? How does this benefit burn?

[Bobby Lee]

No, no, no, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Listen. I'm so tired of Instagram with these metadiagnoses on psychological problems.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, I hate. Yeah, they tell me what I have. Yeah, you're a narcissist. Yeah, narcissist.

[Bert Kreischer]

Narcissist. I'm not a narcissist because I walk in front of everybody. I have longer legs than I have.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, exactly, exactly. I'm not a narcissist because I like to watch people suffer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

I am not a narcissist.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not a narcissist because I don't recognize it. And I think it's actually their fault.

[Bobby Lee]

Exactly. I don't even do. The ghost was another ghost smokes. No, not smoke screen. What's the thing with gaslighting? Smoke.

[Bert Kreischer]

Smoke screening.

[Bobby Lee]

Smoke screening.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't smoke screens. I gaslight.

[Bobby Lee]

I gaslight you. Right. So I don't. Yeah. What are you, a clinical psychologist? What's going on on the Internet?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm so tired of it. It's like the. I'm so. I'll tell you what I'm really tired of.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm going to back you 100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your phone listens to your conversations. I don't know if everyone gets this. Do you get signs your liver is failing?

[Jules]

I think that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's my phone. My Phone is like, God damn it. He drinks a lot. He's having another one. He's ordering another one. Yeah, yeah. There's a. There's a. A principal in Florida who's got the dts.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, He's.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's got cirrhosis of the liver and his hands shake.

[Bobby Lee]

Well, you might also have Michael J. Fox syndrome. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you right now. Yeah, I mean, you met him. No, Michael J. Fox. I was like, he. There's a lot of things he can't do that no one thinks about. He can't do.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, let me think over here.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, chopsticks.

[Bobby Lee]

What's chopsticks?

[Bert Kreischer]

Michael J.

[Jules]

Fox can't use chopsticks.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, that's right. I mean, I never thought about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

He goes to an Asian restaurant and they're like. He's like, can I get a fork? And they're like, for real, sir? And he's like, is that your accent? My accents are bad, sir. That's so not what you're supposed to be. What is that? How about. How about chop us? Yeah, I'm bad at accent.

[Bobby Lee]

I have another thing that he can't do. You know the arcades, that Dance Dance machine?

[Jules]

DDR.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. DDR. Is that what it's called?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dance Dance Revolution.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, Dan Dance Revolution. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I played ddd.

[Bobby Lee]

What's that? Dungeons and Dragons.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dragons. And by dance the whole time. Dance Dance Dun.

[Bobby Lee]

Imagine now, people have the set up on a table, right? They have their little dice or whatever. And Birch in the corner. Just dancing, dude. Is that what it is?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I have a song when I was. Hold on. I'm sorry. When did this get added to the.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah. Put your headphones on.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, hold on. Is this real?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I did play a little bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's got. It's. Don't.

[Bobby Lee]

Crashes in the house.

[Bert Kreischer]

In the house.

[Bobby Lee]

He's not fat.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's not fat.

[Bobby Lee]

He just drinks a lot.

[Jules]

So much.

[Bert Kreischer]

So much.

[Bobby Lee]

Get the neck. Go. Go ahead. Go, go, go.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like to drink by myself. And you're not gonna change, Keith. And there you go. I was a little behind on that one, but that's okay. Cause I'm doing all right.

[Bobby Lee]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

We got a new special out on Netflix. It's called Luck. I think you'll like it if you're white or. Or a. I was gonna add people. I was gonna add things. No. Oh, no, don't. Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going. Or white. White or. No, it's other things, everyone. Or Asians.

[Bobby Lee]

I've done your shows before, right? That's more expensive. And that's a true. That's a truism. Well, what else you want to. Okay, let's do that. Let's do the whole thing again, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. I got a new special out on Netflix. It's called lucky. It's on March 18, and I think you'll like it if you white or Irish or Scottish or English or Australian. Oh, I see. What.

[Bobby Lee]

You're very good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good save, huh?

[Bobby Lee]

That's a. That's a really good save, dude. Well, that's wonderful. I didn't know you could sing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Front man. Front man.

[Bobby Lee]

Front man. That's my.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, how. Wait, hold on. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

How much of this piano skill is Bobby. And how much of this piano skill is just simply being Asian?

[Bobby Lee]

I think 80% is just being Asian.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, because, like. Like, Koreans. You're Koreans.

[Bobby Lee]

Y. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

All really good at violin.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's the reason they're so good at math. Math and violin are tethered. Do you know that?

[Bobby Lee]

Did you know that half my act or my early career was piano?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Jules]

Yeah, show me the bit.

[Bobby Lee]

Why you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. If you play Chopsticks, I'm gonna lose my mind.

[Bobby Lee]

This is it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on.

[Bobby Lee]

Wait. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Play Chopsticks.

[Bobby Lee]

So this is what it is. Okay? I said, this is Helen Keller. If she was in the Beatles.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm already in.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. And people in the audience, this is in the 90s. You're just like, wow. Why so good? Yeah, yeah. It's not good. It's rude. It's rude.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. It's actually. It's actually. I gotta be dead honest with you.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a half compliment because you forget, she was blind. She's playing piano better than Stevie Wonder. That's a half of a compliment. And you go, you guys are racist.

[Bobby Lee]

She was deaf, too, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Listen. Thank God. Yeah, thank God.

[Bobby Lee]

Not dumb.

[Bert Kreischer]

Deaf. D. Not dumb, dude. Not like deaf and blind. Wait, I thought you were gonna do this. What?

[Bobby Lee]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nobody. I know. I did it, like, three times, and no one laughed. Waiting for the laugh.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're gonna cut that part out, I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. Just have. What else can you play? Can you. Can you play?

[Bobby Lee]

Mainly just make up, you know? I mean.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, so you. Okay, right?

[Bobby Lee]

I mean, I.

[Jules]

Get ready, jules. Get ready, jules. Come on.

[Bobby Lee]

That's not the same.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a different. That's a different.

[Bobby Lee]

That's a different song.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, do it again. Do it again. This is what.

[Bobby Lee]

Basically, he. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

He. Do it again.

[Bobby Lee]

No, this is what he.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do it again. I know what the song.

[Bobby Lee]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know the song. Okay, here we go. Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. You could have gone there. You should have gone there, buddy. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey. No, no, that's not it.

[Bobby Lee]

No, that's not. That's not it. That's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, hang on. I know it's right there. You don't. Do it again.

[Bobby Lee]

No, wait, hold on. Are you serious? You don't know what that song is? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get that. Yeah, yeah, you get. You have the melody. You have.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like.

[Bobby Lee]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not. That's not what it is.

[Jules]

That's what it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at me right now, singing words of. Is this an English song?

[Bobby Lee]

Yes, it's a Beatles song.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a Beatles song.

[Bobby Lee]

No, it's a John Lennon song.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Okay, I got it now. I got it.

[Bobby Lee]

I got.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got it.

[Bobby Lee]

Got it, I got it. I got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Bobby Lee]

If you go like, mama just killed a man or whatever, I'm going to really be mad.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got it. Oh, hang on. You, me up. Do it again. Do it again, Mama.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, Just kill the man.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. Okay, I got it, I got it. Got a gun. I got it.

[Bobby Lee]

I got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got it.

[Bobby Lee]

All right, but do it earlier.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Look at me. I'll wink. And that's when you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. By the way. By the way, most. I just asked from an Asian guy. When I wink, that's when we go. I was like, do you realize now I'm nervous about seeing if you're winking? Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Look closely.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, Look, I'm going to wink before. So you know what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you just wink then?

[Bobby Lee]

Yes, I blinked both eyes. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Oh, okay. So you over serve it. All right. I like it.

[Bobby Lee]

And I also, when I wink at somebody, I always point for some reason.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you do?

[Bobby Lee]

No, I go. He does.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you place your own.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. So they know where to look. Yeah, yeah. Because sometimes they don't know, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious? Winking. He's pointing to his eye.

[Bobby Lee]

I used to have. I used to have a joke. Let me just talk about the eyes. About. I had a photo shoot for something, and. And the guy goes. After a couple of shots, he goes, can we get more expression in your eyes? I'm Asian. There's only two things I do. Open and close. That was a joke. Anyway, let's move on. Okay, ready? Don't literally go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't Go.

[Bobby Lee]

When I blame. I did, like a couple of, you know, mean beats before.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Do you want to do it when you're about to sing?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. Okay. So look at me now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, can you mouth the words? No. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

I cannot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

This is a song that should be incredibly.

[Bert Kreischer]

You mouth the words and I'll sing them, and it'll look like you're singing, and then you say. All right, ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen, this is my impression of Bert Kreischer singing John Lennon.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is my impression of Bert Kreischer singing John Lennon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Imagine there's no heaven.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, you got it. I couldn't do it now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Easy.

[Bobby Lee]

I can't lip sync and play it at the same time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's try to make Imagine a better song.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, no. Why don't we just want us to make up our own song?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, Okay. I.

[Bobby Lee]

In the same, you know, chord.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's do it as a team, though.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You give us the theme and time.

[Bobby Lee]

I'll even do you one better, my friend. Let's do it in a make believe accent.

[Jules]

I'll rock.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hello. Hello. We're gonna do Australian.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah. So let's come up with. Let's do something sad. Let's go minor on it, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Australian. You ready?

[Bobby Lee]

I can't do Australian.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, well, yeah, you can. You just did it.

[Bobby Lee]

That was English. Oh, yeah. Okay, I might.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, that's Australian.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, I'll do Australian.

[Bert Kreischer]

Australian. And it's called. It's a sad song about. It's called Crocodile Tears. Okay, here we go.

[Bobby Lee]

I'll just do this.

[Bert Kreischer]

My wife. Oh, my God. Is that not a good Australian accent?

[Jules]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

My wife.

[Bobby Lee]

My wife.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Bobby Lee]

All right, so. All right, that's good. Let's. 1, 2, 3.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just got left by my wife. I said, you call that a knife?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I think we should do Asian.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I got a good accent.

[Bobby Lee]

That was pretty good, but I don't think you're in to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

I don't think you're. You know what? I'm gonna. I'm not gonna do minor chords. I think you have a problem with that. Okay, I'm gonna go. Just major codes.

[Bert Kreischer]

My accent is what the problem is.

[Bobby Lee]

No, it wasn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

It's your tone.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the accent I can do. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Bobby Lee]

Do it now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, overall, I. I can't do anything.

[Bobby Lee]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

But also, I can do black guy.

[Bobby Lee]

No, no, I know you can't.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Bobby Lee]

I don't know where you need that. But you have to sing it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

You have to do the ads, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

They all sound like they also. English.

[Bobby Lee]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. All right.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so nice.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah. Wait, let me get the rhythm going. Right, right. No, that's it. That's. Let it be. Hold on. That's a simple.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hi. It's so nice to have a wife.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

In my life.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, Very good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Filled with strife. My life. You call that a knife?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. That's good. Now, Nan, you. There we go. And a rain.

[Jules]

Raindrops falling.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. I'm not gonna say.

[Bobby Lee]

You're onto something. Right? Keep on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

No, no, you're onto something.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Bobby Lee]

Falling with my heart on the line.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dad. Keep going. She's my sister. She's young and apparently was not born with a tongue.

[Bobby Lee]

Very good. I think that's a hit. We should. What's that? Sond. Sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, she just got her period.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have daughters now.

[Bobby Lee]

Why would you have an alarm at 5pm? Because I have to sleep because I get so tired.

[Jules]

You remind yourself to sleep.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, you're for your nap. You have a nap alarm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My penis is sleeping. I need Blue Chew.

[Bert Kreischer]

Blue.

[Bobby Lee]

You guys, I look so young for my age. I'm virile and I'm bombastic. But sometimes, you know, me, my. You know, my friend. My friend's sleeping and it's Toki the dum Dum.

[Jules]

Oh, Toki.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, you remember Toki, my penis.

[Jules]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

But sometimes when, you know, I go, toki, we gotta go into war, right? He goes, what about Bluechew? And I go, I have some. I take it. And he. Purple heart. Wow. Exactly. He goes in there and he's alert, he's precise. And it works. That's the most important thing. It works. Okay. Have better sex with Bluechew. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets. These erection enhancing tablets help men achieve stronger, harder and longer lasting erections for sexual activities. Right, Toki? That's right. Whoa. Bluetooth. Exactly. Is putting money where its mouth is and offering you a month free. Oh, my God. You're winning the lottery here, man. The process is simple. Sign [e-mail], consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive a prescription within days. Bluechew tablets are made in the USA and prepared and shipped directly to your door.

[Jules]

Guys, make life easier by getting harder. And discover your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for our listeners, try your first month of BlueTrue free. Visit bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. We thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast.

[Bobby Lee]

Ladies and gentlemen, legendary, legendary comedy icon Bill Burr is now streaming on Hulu with his new. You guys, I'm doing the accent, but there's no need to sell this. You don't just sell it with English stuff. Bill Burr is. How many times has it done this podcast? Four times, right? He's directing me in things. I love him like a brother. I believe he's one of the best of all time. I think there's four guys that are the greatest right now doing it. He's one of them. Okay. He is now doing a special called Drop Dead Years on Hulu Hularious, which is their thing. And what's interesting about Hulu is there's other companies that never wanted to do a special with me, but Hulu saw me and said, you know, this is insane. You have to do one. And so a lot of us went over there. Mattiscalco did Gaffigan, my best friend Andrew Santino, little Frankie Canones. You know what I mean? Hola, Quita, my friend. But anyway, Jessica Curson, so what I'm saying to you is that that's the way. That's where you go now for pure comedy. Okay? Not elitist, smug. You know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about. Real fans, real good. Brewer's unique ability to blend critique with laugh out loud humor is exactly what makes this one of his most personal.

[Bert Kreischer]

And funniest out yet.

[Bobby Lee]

See the new hilarious stand up special, Bill Burr. Drop Dead Years. Now streaming on Hulu.

[Jules]

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[Bobby Lee]

You have a nap alarm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how old were you when you did stand up? I know, I, I understand.

[Jules]

You gotta address that.

[Bobby Lee]

We're family, so.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, no, I got it. Yeah, Yeah, I was 25 the first time I tried it.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, Yeah, I was 23 and she's 23 and I, when I look at her, I'm like, I can't believe I was that young when I tried it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're 23? Yeah. Why is that? I can't tell if she's still doing the accent from the song.

[Bobby Lee]

Raindrops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's 23. And were you scared the very first time? Be honest.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I was nervous because I didn't know what I was gonna do, but I was like, also, I've never done this, so if it's not good, then what do you expect? I'm not, I've never done this. Yeah. But yeah, I wasn't nervous nervous. I think I get, I was more nervous the first time I did it in New York.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, that's, I get nervous now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I was.

[Bobby Lee]

If I'm at the seller, I'm, I get, I pace in the bag.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to do a new stand up show. Where we shoot it, where we do the. Stand up at, like 6 o'. Clock.

[Bobby Lee]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I don't want to fucking stay up until 9.

[Bobby Lee]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, really, you. It's. Your life's easy. You wake up at like 4, you do a podcast, play video games.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I'm a comic. That's why.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'm a person. I'm a person.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, you have family?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. Like, I. Like, I. Sometimes I look at my friends and I go. I go, what's that look like at 70?

[Bobby Lee]

Ah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he's stealing your lyrics from the song.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh. So when you see somebody like. Like Argus Hamilton go up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Argus is different.

[Bobby Lee]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, maybe that's what it is. It just looks like Ron White. It just.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, like Ron White. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I guess there's not enough. There's so many of us that are doing it at like 45, 50.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That. It's.

[Bobby Lee]

It.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I was a kid, no one did it this old.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. They were out or they were on the road all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Like, I never met Jimmy Walker until three weeks ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, Jimmy. And he had no idea who I was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shazam.

[Bobby Lee]

No, that's not him. Yeah, let's figure out if you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kabam.

[Bobby Lee]

No, that's not him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don. Oh, my.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, that's it, baby.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get that.

[Bobby Lee]

No, no, no. It's such an old reference that they.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don'T even know he was. He was a. He built Mount Rushmore. And so in order to do the faces, they had to blast a lot of big parts where the jawline was. So they. When they plan it, the guys had to get away from it because it was explosive. Jimmy Walker would stand at the base and go, die. Oh, my.

[Bobby Lee]

No, that's not how it started. I'll tell you what. When the Irish and the Chinese were building the railroads.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I heard this.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially in the west, right. Chinese people had the dynamite duty, and a lot of them people died. And he would. And I don't know why, but Jimmy was always there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. And when a Chinese guy exploded. Go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my.

[Bobby Lee]

That's when he would do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I heard it was from a sitcom.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, it was a sitcom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So his mom in that. Her name was Florida in real life. Really A badass name.

[Bobby Lee]

What a great sitcom. It was called what's Happening. Yeah, yeah. In the seventies.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

And Jimmy Walker was a Comedy Store comic, and he blew up on that show.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, here's a question. Ready? So money's changed so, like, if you were going to be a sitcom star, the time to have done it was not now.

[Bobby Lee]

No, in the 70s and 80s.

[Bert Kreischer]

80S, 80s, for sure.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

80S 90s. Like. Yeah, I remember Kevin Rock. Kevin James.

[Bobby Lee]

Kevin James, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kevin James was making $750,000 an episode.

[Bobby Lee]

What? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, that's like having a podcast now. I mean, it's.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah. Don't say that. We don't make any money. We do it for the love, the art and the art. No. Well, I know Stone street from Modern Valley was making 250, 300,000. Thousand an episode.

[Jules]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. And they're doing 23 a year plus what you call it syndication.

[Bert Kreischer]

So then the key was. So what was Roseanne making? Because Roseanne had to be making. I mean, there was probably Friends, the Friends in Seinfeld's. They were making a million dollars an episode.

[Bobby Lee]

That's what Roseanne was making. And she wouldn't make.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gotta be honest with you. I think Stone street got ripped off.

[Bobby Lee]

No, because that was in the 90s, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

How good was Modern Family?

[Bobby Lee]

Great. One of the best with shows.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you think they make you. Are you telling me? Okay, well, I guess you got to split it up with that whole cast. But Friends has got eight people. Right? I mean, you.

[Bobby Lee]

I hate to correct you, okay, But Modern Family every week. What was. How many people watched it?

[Jules]

Million.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. Hold on. Hang on one second. Yeah, I can't. Hang on one second. I can't believe you said a million because I. Do you think that's a lot or a little?

[Jules]

I think that's a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, that is a failure of a show.

[Bobby Lee]

It's a failure even now.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Bobby Lee]

Now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I guarantee you. Find out what the ratings were. Okay. They're making 500 an episode in the 500, 000. That makes sense.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And there's. There's 11 of them.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So then that's a lot of people. They've got to split that up. And I guarantee they have favored nations. Maybe not.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But. Oh, anyway, here, keep going, Keep going, keep going. So wait, see what the average rating was? What the rating was on. On. It seems like.

[Jules]

It seems like the top tier folks were all getting half a mil per episode by the end.

[Bert Kreischer]

Half a mil per episode. That's great.

[Jules]

That's a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you.

[Bobby Lee]

What's the point? You're getting to Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

My point is if. If they're getting. Thank you. If they're getting. I mean, I don't know. I think Modern Family. I Think they were pulling in a high rating when no one was watching.

[Bobby Lee]

Maybe 10, 15 million, maybe. Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

10 million million's a lot of people.

[Jules]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But, you know, do you know last comic standing, the year I did it?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

My episode was 13 million people.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I was like. And I. And I'll tell you what. Yeah, 13 million people. You get recognized.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was on that night. It aired that night, and I was flying. I had Georgia on the episode. I did. I said, I'm pregnant. We're having a baby. I really need this. And then I got booted. That episode.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that was on a. Well, it was only aired on a Wednesday night, I think. Yeah, I think it aired on Wednesday night. And I flew Thursday to go to. To go to Miami Improv. And it aired like Wednesday or Tuesday, I guess. And I got so recognized in the bar at the American Airlines, everyone bought me drinks. And everyone's like, hey, did you have the baby? And I was like, I just had her. And they're like, oh, let's see pictures. And I was showing. It was.

[Bobby Lee]

You know who says that? Narcissists. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ari Shafir on my podcast with Tommy. And Ari's like, sociopath.

[Bobby Lee]

Sociopath. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I pull up the. Pull up the. The traits of a sociopath and we'll diagnose Ari.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But Ari said to me casually, and I think he's just trying to with me, but he goes, well, you make everything about yourself. And I got really in my head about it and I was like, I was like. And then I was like. And then I was like saying to Leanne, I was like, it's like, maybe I'll talk about this in therapy. Do I make everything about yourself? She goes, yeah, but you're a stand up comedian. Yes, everything's about yourself.

[Bobby Lee]

That's weird.

[Bert Kreischer]

She goes, wait, didn't Ari on a pizza box to win or that was I should on a pizza box.

[Bobby Lee]

He. On my car.

[Bert Kreischer]

He. But he's just to announce his.

[Bobby Lee]

Not just a pizza box. He shit's everywhere.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, ready? Yeah. Okay, psychopath or sociopath? Who do we do first?

[Bobby Lee]

What do you mean me?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Would you want. Okay. Who do you think the closest to a sociopath is?

[Bobby Lee]

Ari.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, let's run a psychopath.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? Lack.

[Bobby Lee]

My eyes are bad. So can you. I just. I just want to let you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you doing?

[Jules]

What is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's Ari at Legion. Of skanks.

[Jules]

Oh, that was for real.

[Bobby Lee]

So without reading that, can you judge it to this photo? Yeah. He's a psych sociopath. Yeah. Yeah.

[Jules]

Lack of remorse.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. So that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

But there's no. I mean, look. Shit in publishing.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. Lack of guilt, remorse, and empathy. I think Ahri has empathy.

[Jules]

You talking to him?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm talking to him and me. Didn't he beat you up and he drugged me?

[Bobby Lee]

Right, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, yeah. Click, click. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, the second one. Pretending to feel emotions.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you? Can I tell you? I go 100%. Cause I wonder sometimes if that's when he calls me on the phone, if he's like, I know this is what people are supposed to do. Like, hi, Bird. How are you?

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's having a hard time. He's like, I just want to tell him to fuck himself, Mouth. I'm gonna drug him again.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, he also, like, sometimes will go, hey, pal, happy birthday. I'm like, this is.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, now here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna run through this. Then we're gonna call Ari and think if he thinks we're narcissists.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, Here we go.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you know Ari thinks we're narcissists.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, he does. He does. Yeah. So the third one is. I can't read it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Inability form true emotional attachments. That's not true.

[Bobby Lee]

That's not true. He loves his dog.

[Bert Kreischer]

He loves Joey Diaz. Right before Ralphie died, he spent an extra two days in Nashville to spend time with that or with.

[Bobby Lee]

He also likes Joe Rogan. He's an extension of Joe Rogan's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, all right.

[Bobby Lee]

Remember that in Mothership, you and I and Joe was writing feverishly, and we're just sitting there. It's like no one was talking, and you just whisper. You go, feel uncomfortable. And I go, I know this is weird, you know, I mean, because he has. I love Joe Rogan, but he has this power almost.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Does it feel. Do you feel. Do you get nervous around him?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't get nervous around him. But definitely. I definitely. I definitely would know what you're talking about. His power. He's a really intense dude.

[Bobby Lee]

He's an intense dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. All right, Ari.

[Bobby Lee]

Tend to be successful.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Pass dishonesty. No, he doesn't have that one. He is the most honest.

[Bobby Lee]

He is very honest.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's painfully honest.

[Bobby Lee]

Manipulative behavior, narcissism, and superficial charm. No, no, he doesn't have that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Next to sociopath you read it. Lack of remorse. But guilt and empathy may be present in some cases.

[Bobby Lee]

Yes, yes. 100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Some emotions are felt rage. But are shatter, shallow and fleeting.

[Bobby Lee]

Yes.

[Jules]

Rage.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Yes. May form close attachments to one or few individuals. Yes. Consistent, irresponsible and repeated violations of law.

[Bobby Lee]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Constant lying and deception. No deception. No. He.

[Bobby Lee]

He. There's some success. No, I don't think. I think he has got the deception.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's.

[Bobby Lee]

He's a deceiver, dude. He. He does shadow play. Did you know what was in your.

[Bert Kreischer]

Drink when he gave it to you? Yes.

[Bobby Lee]

Very good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. All right.

[Bobby Lee]

So he's a sociopath.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, pull up narcissist.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's find how to identify a narcissist.

[Bobby Lee]

Also, we want to play this game too. What we're going to call him at the same time, see who's more, more important to him. All right, so, but let's get our phones. Like we'll do it now. Let me get his phone number. All right, you do. I'll do the first one. And you will self diagnose ourselves.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. Or do we. Do we self diagnose each other?

[Bert Kreischer]

Ok. We answer honestly and then they tell the truth.

[Bobby Lee]

That's a Peter. And you can get involved too, Jules, just based on what you know.

[Jules]

Oh yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Self importance.

[Bobby Lee]

I do it to myself.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Bobby Lee]

Nah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'm very, I'm very humble.

[Bobby Lee]

Let's go to the judges.

[Jules]

All right, next.

[Bobby Lee]

This is gonna hurt. Next.

[Bert Kreischer]

Google the definition of self.

[Bobby Lee]

No, we don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what?

[Bobby Lee]

Self hypothesis.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't, but I think I. I think think. Yes.

[Bobby Lee]

Are you ncp?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Npc.

[Bobby Lee]

No. You, you're the main character.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm asked to mouth.

[Jules]

Do you believe you're the main character in your game? Yes or no?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I actually can't believe. I actually wonder if you guys are actually all alive.

[Bobby Lee]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you have souls the way I have a soul or if I'm.

[Jules]

Here we go. An exaggerated estimate of one's own importance. Oh, do you feel a little exaggerated?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I think it's pretty accurate. I'm fucking dope as.

[Bobby Lee]

And you know me too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm cool as like dude, I gotta be real. Let's be real. Hold on. Exaggerated estimate of one owns one's own importance. No, I don't have that. I am accurate to who I am. I'm very self reflecting. But I'm not like, I don't think I'm crazy, but I'm like, yo, I got a crazy awesome wife. I got two great kids. I got an amazing career. I got three amazing podcasts. I got a special coming out on Netflix. It's my sixth fucking special. I realize that's wild, cool shit. And I. But I don't go, like, but I'm the best. I'm not the best. Like, I know I could name right name right now. 10 comics. Name 10. I'll go back and forth. Let's go 10 comics that are way better than we are. Ready?

[Bobby Lee]

No, I don't know how. I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ten. No, I'll go one. You go.

[Bobby Lee]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Five.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, five, Five, five, five.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Who's better? Let me start.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Tim Dillon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not. No, I'm kidding. Oh, this is going to be tough.

[Bobby Lee]

Is Tom better than you?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, not him.

[Bobby Lee]

Have you ever met Tom?

[Bert Kreischer]

What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? D. Oh, my. What? That guy?

[Bobby Lee]

Jimmy Walker.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jimmy Walker is better than.

[Bobby Lee]

No, no, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, this is a bad one. Keep going.

[Bobby Lee]

Let's go real. Let's go real.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, but I don't want to go real because then our friends are going to get upset if we didn't mention their names. Shane Gillis, the.

[Bobby Lee]

All right, so it's the second one. Expect. Expecting praise for minimal work, even none at all.

[Jules]

That's most guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's most guys.

[Jules]

When you're.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, like, if I do the dishes, I'm like, yo, have you been in the kitchen yet? Yeah, because there's something special in there waiting for you. And she just sees no dishes in there and goes, I don't see it. And I go, are you fucking kidding me? Take a look in the sink. She goes, there's nothing in there. I go, exactly.

[Bobby Lee]

I've done this, right? I sold out the Sacramento punchline. There's only 10 people there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Is that what that is?

[Jules]

No, that's you saying, quote to your ex girlfriend and I cuddled you for 20 minutes.

[Bobby Lee]

And then what?

[Jules]

And then she's like, yeah, you're supposed to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, okay. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

I literally don't understand it, but let's go to. Maybe that's a part of.

[Bert Kreischer]

We can just skip the next one. That's a yes for me.

[Bobby Lee]

Wait, wait. I want.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never mind. Never mind.

[Bobby Lee]

Occupied with success. With. Needed to be. Yeah, that's so. I have that, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have that. I'm obsessed. Be great for the.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, you have four, for sure. And let's move.

[Bert Kreischer]

Craving power.

[Jules]

Craving power.

[Bobby Lee]

You have it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have it. I didn't always, but now I okay. Only wanting to be around highly status or high achieving people. No, look, I hang out with Pete all the time.

[Bobby Lee]

He works for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

If you didn't pay him, he would never be found. Okay.

[Jules]

He would never.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was a slam to Pete. Yeah, I was. I was expecting a bigger laugh on that. I was hoping you go look at who I hang out with.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I have lunch with losers like these guys earlier. But anyway, guys, I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't. I don't care about status anymore.

[Jules]

Lots of attention and praise from those around them.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm taking a bath in that one. I'm. I really need. I'm drowning in that attention.

[Bobby Lee]

I think I'm drowning in that one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. If there's a scene. Oh, there's more. There's got to be. Okay. Entitled behavior. You have that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got it. I got it, too. Yeah. It's called being famous. Keep going.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. Expecting special. Like if you're at a restaurant. I've done this where I'm at a restaurant and, you know, I sign up for. They don't know me, and I sign up to be on the list, and then I see another. People go get in faster than me. I lose my.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I'll go.

[Bobby Lee]

I'll show my Instagram followers everything, you know. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you, this is how bad I am.

[Bobby Lee]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was with my parents.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was with my parents and we were trying to get somewhere. We're going to a Bucks game.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I can't believe I said this. Pete, were you in the car with us when we went to the Bucks game with my parents?

[Jules]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And we were getting. Pulling up, up, and they're like. They're like, dad, this is VIP entrance. I go, we should be good. And they're like, no, no, it's just vip. We don't have the pass. I go, roll the window down, let them see my face. Hang on. Hang on. How. How often does. Hang on. For real. How often does that work, Pete? Three times. How many times has it worked? Works every time.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's my demographic. There's a. The guy's running a parking lot.

[Bobby Lee]

Could I say something that happened earlier today? It was crazy. So was literally not my fault. I was driving on Ventura and this man, who happens to be black, just swipe. Swipes my car. But I swerved enough where it didn't do any damage to my butt. But his whole. What's it. The rear view window was gone. The side mirror.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

And I just went, you know what? It's his fault for sure. So I'm just gonna move on. And kept driving, but he followed me in his car for, like, a couple blocks, and we're doing. Doing his lights. You know what I mean? So I pulled over. You go, you know. You know. He goes. You. I go, I didn't. He goes, you're Bobby Lee. I go, yeah. It changed his.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Energy a bit. His energy changed.

[Bert Kreischer]

So that's the way we should look at Tom Segura's car accident recently is that he's not worked hard enough for people to run into his car and then stop and go, oh, my God. I know. You were Tom Segura.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you see that? The woman backed into his stay with the narcissist. Okay. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was crazy because they got it all on camera. She just took off, and Tom's like, what the. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Exploiting. Would you do that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Right? Exploiting others.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope, don't have that.

[Bobby Lee]

Do I have it?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Do I.

[Bobby Lee]

Do I have it? I don't know what it means, but do I have it? Be honest.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, good. Lack of empathy. That's not me.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not. Definitely not me. The most empathetic person.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm bigger than you. I'm. Big empathy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gave. On a homeless person money the other day.

[Bobby Lee]

I blew up homeless. I blew a homeless guy and gave him crack. And he loved it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gave. I gave a homeless guy money. And I said. And Leanne was with me.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she goes, baby, you know, most of these people aren't even really homeless. They're just standing on the street with a sign.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, well, if he's not homeless, he is a character actor because he has dirt all over his hands.

[Bobby Lee]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. And I. I'm gonna just. Out of his respect for his craft.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna give him $20.

[Bobby Lee]

But one time I caught one.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Bobby Lee]

He looked dirty up into his feet, and they were completely clean and manicured.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like when a girl puts on makeup just on her face, and then her neck looks a different color.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, you know, I hate cankles.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God, I hate them.

[Bobby Lee]

Like, it's like, have a division between your foot and your fucking calf, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I, I. You know what I'm gonna say? Let me see your ankle real quick.

[Bobby Lee]

No, she has, like, a little.

[Bert Kreischer]

A couple of your Asian. Do Asian people get cankles?

[Bobby Lee]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Type in Asian cankles. That's a great name. That's a great name for a tour.

[Bobby Lee]

No, no. Note that. We'll finish this.

[Bert Kreischer]

This.

[Bobby Lee]

Envy. Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, go ahead.

[Bobby Lee]

Envy or believing others are envious of them. No, I'm not going to envy anybody. Arrogance. You have that. You have that. You're. Listen, I'm gonna.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, name the time. I've been arrogant.

[Bobby Lee]

I'll tell you why.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, tell me.

[Bobby Lee]

I can name you a couple times.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. I'm on your tour.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Lee]

Here we go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, Keep going, keep going.

[Bobby Lee]

And I literally almost died. I was knocked unconscious.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did not have my ring.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. I hit my head on your tour bus. Yeah. I didn't sue. And.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I got an option.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. And blood is gushing out of my mouth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

And I'm texting people. And you're the first one to text. You're the last person texted back.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not arrogance.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, that's arrogance. You know? And guess what, guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, Google the Net.

[Bobby Lee]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

And Pete. Pete, right? He takes me to the hospital. He holds my hand when I'm getting stitches in my mouth. Right? He's took over everything, Right? He loves me more than you love me. No, and that's why, when Pete came in here, did you see the hug? That was Vietnam War hug. We served together in the platoon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay.

[Bobby Lee]

I was on the other team.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, wait, and we did.

[Bobby Lee]

Win, but you know what I mean? We did it together.

[Bert Kreischer]

Type in the definition of arrogance, please. Arrogance, overly proud of oneself or one's own opinions. Okay, I got it.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. Yeah, you're right that we're done with that. Let's call Ari. 1, 2, 3. Your call has been do it again. Do it again.

[Jules]

That means he said no.

[Bobby Lee]

That seems like he clicked it. Oh, yeah, he clicked it again.

[Jules]

He's clicking it.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, my. He doesn't like either one of us. He'll call back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

What were you going to look up again?

[Bert Kreischer]

Asian canals.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, look up Asian K. This is Tom getting.

[Jules]

Look, getting in it with a lady. She fleed the scene.

[Bert Kreischer]

She fleed the scene.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow. Did she recognize him?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Bobby Lee]

No. Oh, wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, in all honesty, he kind of does. Like, you know, like. Okay, if it's like, all right, here's the deal.

[Bobby Lee]

Play it soft.

[Bert Kreischer]

So if you like. He's a friend stereotype. There's a stereotype that Asians all look alike, right? That's a stereotype.

[Bobby Lee]

There's a stereotype of what beefy insurrectionals look like.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what I mean? You didn't let me finish my fucking thing, but I'm saying, like. Okay, but, like, if there's. But there is a. Like, a big chunk of Asians. Not all of them, but a big chunk that do look alike. Well, with bald white. Hang on. Hear me out. With bald white guys, there's a big chunk of them that look all the same. I mean, I'll tell you right now. Tell me if this doesn't look like Tom Segura. Like, there's a. It's a. It's a thing. It's like the bald head, gray beard.

[Bobby Lee]

I'll look something up, too. Guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Bobby Lee]

We can both look up. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guy.

[Bobby Lee]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, are we. You gonna tell me what we're looking up?

[Jules]

This is riveting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

All right, so I Googled. I'll tell you what I Googled. I googled gay bear.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay? I guarantee you're gonna get a bunch of Toms.

[Bobby Lee]

No. Is this Tom or Bert?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's Tom's eyes. Whoa. Is that really. Hang on. Look at my glasses.

[Bobby Lee]

That's a gay Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, is that not me?

[Bobby Lee]

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me see, let me see, let me see.

[Bobby Lee]

I mean, everyone is your type.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, you know what I mean, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you go to one of my.

[Bobby Lee]

Shows, you're a gay bear.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, if you go to one of my shows.

[Bobby Lee]

Is that not Bertreischer? It's type. That's you. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you. Thank you so much. Okay, hang on.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, hang on now. Find me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me.

[Bobby Lee]

You won't.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna. No. I'm just gonna prove that. Watch this.

[Bobby Lee]

Turtle Beach. Turtle Beach. Turtle Beach, y'. All. Yeah. Welcome, dude. Okay, I'm a gamer for life. What I like to do is, like, the game for life. You know what I mean? And what I like to do is also, I want everything good. I want high def visuals, right? But the most important thing is high def hearing. Reliable hearing. And that's why I only use Turtle Beach 700. The Stealth 700 has the industry's first ever Crosspay Dual Wireless Transmitter system.

[Jules]

Wow.

[Bobby Lee]

That means you can seamlessly switch between your console and PC with just a click of beep, click of a button.

[Jules]

Get out of here.

[Bobby Lee]

And it gets even better. While being connected to your console, the Stealth 700 can connect with your phone for music streaming or taking calls at the same time. Like, what's up, Jerome?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Jules]

Bye.

[Bobby Lee]

Bye. Listen to your favorite songs while gaming. All done with the Stealth 700, my friends?

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Jules]

Head to TurtleBeach.com and use code Belly for 10 off your entire order. That's 10 off your order at TurtleBeach.com with promo code Belly. After your purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Get the ultimate immersive gaming experience with Turtle beach today.

[Bobby Lee]

Turtle Beach. Turtle. Turtle Beach.

[Bert Kreischer]

So much. It's just. You're telling me. There's so much. When you get.

[Bobby Lee]

I get together. It's like a tit for tat. I don't like it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're telling me that these Asians don't look alike.

[Bobby Lee]

There's twins.

[Jules]

That's insane, dude. That's crazy that you just.

[Bobby Lee]

Those are twins.

[Bert Kreischer]

How about these two?

[Bobby Lee]

Yep. Twins, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I'm on the wrong red.

[Bobby Lee]

You're on the Right. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm on the wrong website. These, though. These definitely do twins.

[Bobby Lee]

Look up. How about. I've never Googled this. Look up people who look like Bobby Lee.

[Bert Kreischer]

People who look like Bobby Lee.

[Jules]

I'm not getting a lot of.

[Bert Kreischer]

This guy kind of looks like Bobby Lee.

[Jules]

Dumbfounded.

[Bobby Lee]

That's. That's my best friend.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's you.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah. That's insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

This guy looks a lot like you and Santino. I don't have glasses on. You know, I don't have glasses on. I can't see any of this.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. Right. All right.

[Bobby Lee]

My point is, you're talking to somebody like. You.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's Jason Kelce.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, he's so funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's great. Yeah, he's great.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But no, but there is, like, a swath of white dudes that all kind of look alike.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, it's all of us.

[Bobby Lee]

It's like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got to be honest with you. I didn't even argue this. You ready for this? And then we're going to talk about sexy underwear. Do I been wanting to talk to you about this? Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

I have someone now.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so. Hang on. Okay, so. So is there an argument to be said now that you look at all these pictures of people that look like Tom and people that look like me, is there an argument to be said that individuality is not a real thing, and that what happens is when people start getting older, they start to wanna look like the people they feel like? Like, I mean, look at. Think about how many white guys have mustaches like Shane right now? Like, white guys with mustaches is a thing.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, you're saying that you're influencing looks?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Like. No, I'm not. I'm influenced by something I saw.

[Bobby Lee]

No, because I've seen people in my shows that wear the be and have the Asian mustache.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like a natural human behavior to be drawn to something you want to look like or to put on a costume that looks like that. Right?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Okay, now let's talk about sexy panties. So the. So I don't wear underwear. I've never worn underwear.

[Bobby Lee]

Are you being serious right now?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's being dead serious.

[Bobby Lee]

Can I say something to you, please? Out of all the comedians I know, I've seen your taint, your butthole, your nut sack and penis.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want. I want to tell you right now that I have the cleanest butthole in the world.

[Bobby Lee]

I didn't say. Did I say. Did I say.

[Jules]

You didn't say.

[Bobby Lee]

Did I say it was dirty?

[Jules]

You did not.

[Bobby Lee]

It's cavernous.

[Bert Kreischer]

I shaved it.

[Bobby Lee]

Is it not cavernous?

[Bert Kreischer]

I shaved it yesterday.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. Is it cavernous?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Bobby Lee]

It's deep.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's deep.

[Bobby Lee]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. If I push, it looks better.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Remember those, like, Chilean soccer kids or whatever that got lost? That's what it was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

No, no, I saw.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just. You named two times when people were entrapped and you mashed it up. It was Chilean miners and Thai soccer kids. Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

They both were trapped, and I combined them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember those soccer kids?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. For my viewers that don't understand, do.

[Bert Kreischer]

You remember when those Chilean soccer kids got trapped on top of a mountain after their plane crash and they had to eat each other?

[Bobby Lee]

Is that what I was doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I was thinking. That's what I was thinking.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

So the joke yesterday. I've been having a hard time with my ass hairs. When I jog, they get tied in a knot and so what?

[Bobby Lee]

Those are called dreadlocks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'm getting. I'm getting whatever I'm getting, and I couldn't.

[Bobby Lee]

You have a Rasta. So that's all. Bob Marley had that.

[Bert Kreischer]

So.

[Bobby Lee]

And I'm not shaming. There's no shame there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bob Marley, the comic from Maine.

[Bobby Lee]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, yes, very funny. Yesterday I got. I'm getting ready for our 5K, and I go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna shave. I'm gonna shave my pubes. So I like to shave my pubes outdoors on our deck. Deck in the sun. It's my favorite place.

[Bobby Lee]

Can I just say something, please? I. I don't want you to be offended by this. You have a very big house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

There's probably different bathrooms you could use.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay. The joy is shaving it outdoors. What's your position?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, good question. She's like a Little Larry King. Which position?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'm a little bit of a centrist, but I lean right. Right. Anyway, no, as. I don't know why I thought that would hit. Land on her like. Oh, get it. I get it. So you do like rogue J.D.

[Bobby Lee]

Vance fan.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a J.D. fans fan.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. She loves J.D. and Mike Gates.

[Bert Kreischer]

I sit on a. So the problem really is my stomach. So I sit.

[Bobby Lee]

Say that again.

[Bert Kreischer]

The problem really is my stomach.

[Bobby Lee]

And what do we say in a sitcom? No shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

But seeing my dick. Seeing my dick and my balls. Shave, wave. I get really lost on the balls. I can see all the top up here, but getting around the corner, it's pretty tough.

[Bobby Lee]

Well, you have a wife.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. No, she won't do it.

[Bobby Lee]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

She said it's too much business down there.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she's like, I don't trust myself.

[Bobby Lee]

Do you know I saw it Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, your butthole and your. Yeah, all that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I know.

[Bobby Lee]

I gave you an enema.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I know.

[Bobby Lee]

I stuck something in your butthole.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I was there. It was my butthole. I. I accepted it. I said. I said, oh, Amazon guy's here. Let him in. And then.

[Bobby Lee]

All right. That's what you did?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I didn't go. No, no, no. Wrong address.

[Bobby Lee]

Right, right, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

O. Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

And I was laughing so hard by the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anyway, so yesterday I shaved my balls outside on the deck and I. No, not with a razor. I. I do not use a razor. I use. I use manscaped. Manscaped. I. You.

[Bobby Lee]

It's one of the best products.

[Bert Kreischer]

It really is. And this. I'm not even around.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, me too.

[Bert Kreischer]

For shaving your balls in your. Man. You cannot beat manscaped. But then I go to. And I realize I'm just shaving here. And then I'm leaving. The. The problem area is my. So.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. Can I ask you a quick know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Who wants to see your butthole?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's not about seeing about it. It's about. It's not my wishes about it tying into a knot. My ass hairs are tying into a knot when I run.

[Bobby Lee]

That's insane. That's. Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you being. Oh, you guys are hairless.

[Bobby Lee]

We're evolved. I like to say that.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you guys. Hold on. White people. Okay. This is going to come out wrong.

[Bobby Lee]

I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You guys were around before. We were.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, you're going history now.

[Jules]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Well, the less of all.

[Bobby Lee]

I think the oldest bone they've ever found was in Africa.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you think? Hang on. In history what do you think's been around longer that. Or that there's no way that could have lasted as long as you guys did.

[Bobby Lee]

But I feel like you're saying we're the new kind.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, we're not. No.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah. Like, we're the most like.

[Jules]

Oh, you are saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get up with those fucking eyes. Those were.

[Jules]

Those were manscaped. Mancape.

[Bobby Lee]

We're the iPhone 15 or whatever, right? You guys are iPhone Fours.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're less.

[Bobby Lee]

That's what he's saying. And it's aggressive and it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, you're taking this compliment opposite. I'm saying.

[Bobby Lee]

What are you saying?

[Bert Kreischer]

You guys created the iPhone.

[Bobby Lee]

No, that's not what you're saying. I'll tell you what you're saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're still flip phones.

[Bobby Lee]

No, no, that's not what you're saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why people, the new phone. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Did you come later?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Yeah, no, but now.

[Bobby Lee]

Did you come later, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

And so what you're.

[Bert Kreischer]

We were waiting on the other side of the map.

[Bobby Lee]

You're the most evolved. We're the latest version of whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you're misinterpreting my.

[Bobby Lee]

Keep going. Going.

[Bert Kreischer]

You guys are hairless. Do you have hair? Butts. Butt hairs.

[Bobby Lee]

But can I show you my stuff?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd love to see your.

[Bobby Lee]

Close your eyes.

[Jules]

Yeah, face that way.

[Bobby Lee]

Can you blur? Honestly?

[Jules]

Well, open up from the back.

[Bert Kreischer]

How close are we getting? How close are we getting? Let me get my glasses. I'm near sighted, so back up a little bit.

[Jules]

Are you sure? Your butthole or your balls? For the audience.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, hang on. Is there hair on them?

[Bobby Lee]

No. You can't see that?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no. But do you shave them or those just naturally? Hair. You have no hair on your balls. Hold on.

[Jules]

I have hair on my balls.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm more talented.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, hold on. That is all. That is all natural.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I'm hairless. Look at my arms. Touch my arm. How soft.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is insane.

[Bobby Lee]

The best.

[Bert Kreischer]

So.

[Bobby Lee]

And that's not narcissism.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I wish I hadn't shaved. I wish I hadn't shaved my butthole to show you an unshaved butthole.

[Bobby Lee]

Can I see your butthole?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, of course.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you could. You'd see an unshaved butthole and you'd be like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, and then it's like. It really is like two fucking chinchillas wrestling. And if they just tie a knot.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then.

[Bobby Lee]

But they're not free now, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. So yesterday, okay, I wanted to I'm getting ready for our 5K. God damn it. And so I go to shave my. I was like, I'm gonna shave my butthole. And so I go, is that internal.

[Bobby Lee]

Monologue or you said it out loud.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said to Leanne, okay. I was like, I'm shaving my butthole. So I got a mirror, I brought it outside, I put it on the floor and I squatted over a mirror and bro, I shaved my butthole perfectly.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow. I'll be the judge.

[Jules]

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[Bert Kreischer]

Happy birthday to us.

[Jules]

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[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. And we'll blur it out.

[Jules]

Jill's.

[Bobby Lee]

Close your eyes. I need to go. I have good eyesight. I'm gonna go farther away.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, hang on.

[Bobby Lee]

No, you have good eyesight. I could see from far.

[Bert Kreischer]

Also, I could see from far. You can't see the TV ever, Bobby. What are you talking about?

[Bobby Lee]

I can see from here. Okay.

[Jules]

This is crazy right now.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Dude, it's hairless. What the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jules]

Dude, what'd you think?

[Bert Kreischer]

This is brought to you by Manscaped.

[Bobby Lee]

What'd you think about. I saw a Chilean Thai soccer player in there.

[Bert Kreischer]

But, dude, it feels wild. It feels wild to have no hair on your butthole. Wow.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, it feels wild.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's almost like. So then. So then yesterday I shaved my butthole and I feel, like, kind of fancy. So I don't know who the sponsor is. I don't know who the sponsor is, but they sent me five different colored jockstraps. Have you ever won a jockstrap?

[Bobby Lee]

I live on planet Earth. Yes, I have.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, when did you wear a jockstrap? I need to hear the whole story.

[Bobby Lee]

What story? I have some in my drawer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, for real?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah. I'm a jockstrap guy. Have you. Do you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. No, hold on.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm a jockstrap guy now.

[Jules]

How do you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

So.

[Bobby Lee]

So.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

So she does my laundry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. So the reason I don't wear underwear is because it's constricting and it makes me feel claustrophobic. That's why I don't wear underwear. Yesterday I put on a jockstrap and I went. Hold on. All the business is taken care of where your dick doesn't hit the zipper. And you can walk around all day because your dick's taking dick and balls are taken care of, but you don't feel the tightness in your legs the way you do with underwear. And I was like, bro, I went online and I bought nothing but jocks. I bought so many pairs of jocks.

[Bobby Lee]

How much money did you spend?

[Bert Kreischer]

They're pretty cheap. They're like $6 for fucking seven.

[Bobby Lee]

You spent 20 grand?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you exactly how much I spent. That's on my Amazon. I'll show them to you.

[Bobby Lee]

All right. While you look that up, I want to make a little observation, if y' all may, please. Okay. If you Took the trees out of Australia.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa. Here. Might just hear, I'm camp going, I can't do both. I can't go to look at my job. And here a sentence that starts with, if you took all the trees out of here, my.

[Bobby Lee]

Where the koalas go. Right. So what I'm saying is, where do your dingleberries go?

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on.

[Bobby Lee]

Because everyone gets dingleberries. Little tiny round pieces of poo. And they cling on to your butt hairs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, but you don't hang on. They. Yeah, they cling onto your butt hairs.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what happens is a little piece of hair, A little piece of paper gets wrapped up in a butt hair, and then it. And then the piece of paper looks at the butt hair across and goes, hey, swing over here. And then the hair from the other cheek goes, oh, look at him. And then they hold on and tie up.

[Bobby Lee]

They're not holding on.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're going.

[Bobby Lee]

They're going home.

[Bert Kreischer]

Home.

[Bobby Lee]

And then you took their home away. Now where are they?

[Bert Kreischer]

They don't.

[Bobby Lee]

They're in that dark cave.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got to be honest with you. I'm. I'm. I use. I use the Tushy 2.0.

[Bobby Lee]

I have two. Well, no, I have a higher.

[Bert Kreischer]

I crank it.

[Bobby Lee]

Do we have Tushy as an ad still?

[Bert Kreischer]

Not right now.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, so I have a higher one. I have a Japanese one. I have a Japanese.

[Bert Kreischer]

Created them.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But so lifesaver, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm hands free, baby.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm hands free.

[Bobby Lee]

It was remarkably clear, though, for me. I think if I see your photo anyway, I go, that's a murky pothole.

[Bert Kreischer]

My. My butthole is pretty clean.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Has it always been. No, no, no. Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no.

[Bobby Lee]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I. So I ordered a bunch of pair of jock straps. And. And Leanne said. She. Leanne said, maybe you'd like thongs. Wow. So I bought some thongs.

[Bobby Lee]

I love. I want to see something really real right now, and it's not comedic. She is. Your wife is everything to me. She. She sent. I know it's not coming from you. I get gifts. What's that?

[Bert Kreischer]

These are the underwears.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. I don't need to look at what you bought, dude. Just buy. Wear them and then show me at the club. Dude, it's crazy. I'm not going to buy any.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want everyone to process that sentence and see if you would deliver that sentence the same way. I don't need to look at a picture of your underwear. Just show them to me later at the club.

[Bobby Lee]

What was wrong with that? I laughed.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know why.

[Bobby Lee]

Let's just laugh because everyone else is laughing. But tell me why, Gilbert, make. Explain it to me.

[Jules]

I think you can just see it right now in a photo, but you want to see it in the flesh at another location.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh. Do you know why? Can I tell you why?

[Jules]

Why?

[Bobby Lee]

Let me ask you a question. Okay. Would Neil Brenland look differently in a wrestling single lint than Ralphie May?

[Jules]

Yeah, you're. You stand correct.

[Bobby Lee]

Thank you so much.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa. Wow.

[Bobby Lee]

Whoa.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got. Okay, I got to say that right now Bobby's dropping bombs, and I think it's. It's a misstep if we don't have Bobby start his song. If Australia had no trees, where would all the koalas be?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So let's play it.

[Bobby Lee]

I. What? I don't know, man.

[Jules]

Can I give you a warm up song really quick?

[Bobby Lee]

No.

[Jules]

I've had Chat GPT write a song about you guys to Imagine.

[Bobby Lee]

Imagine.

[Jules]

Could you try to just play Imagine and just.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, okay. I can't read and play at the same time.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can sing.

[Bobby Lee]

Yep. But. And. And how about we do this? Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, here we go.

[Bobby Lee]

All right, ready?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll start it. I'll take us through verse two.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm gonna do one round, and then you sit, start the singing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

All right, so here we go.

[Jules]

This song is called Imagine by Bobby.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, we'll go one more. That was your window. But.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

I'll slow it down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Imagine Bobby's naked, rolling on the floor.

[Bobby Lee]

Jaws.

[Bert Kreischer]

Telling us his trauma.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow, it's Yoko. It's definitely Yoko. You're doing Yoko. She went Japanese. Yeah, you're doing Japanese.

[Bert Kreischer]

But wait, what do you hear when you sing? She can, like.

[Bobby Lee]

Do you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you. Do you.

[Jules]

No, I'm.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm. I can't sing.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm tone deaf. I'm.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, we know that. We're asking.

[Bobby Lee]

Everyone knows that by now.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you hear? Do you hear? Does your brain go? That's it. We got it. Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Oh, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

I just want to. Let's start at the beginning. Can you do the Alphabet slide song?

[Bobby Lee]

A, B, C, A, B, C, D, E, F, G. There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Okay, so now do that for Imagine. Imagine. Like, Imagine. Okay, watch my hand. Okay, ready? Ready? Go.

[Bobby Lee]

Stroudsburg. What is going on here, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

Imagine. No, no, you go right to Frankenstein, like.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I know, I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Imagine.

[Bobby Lee]

And she goes right to Frankenstein.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, what's so crazy is that you're you don't. You're not ugly. But the thing. But your voice is so ugly, like.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, it's an ugly voice.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not. It just doesn't connect with you. I know, but I've never seen someone that's, like, all of a sudden, like, if you can't dance and you're like. But you're hot, like.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, exactly. Okay, let me sing you the line and try. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Here, do you want to try vodka?

[Bobby Lee]

Imagine there's no heaven. You say that again. Right then. What was that? Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Imagine there's no.

[Bobby Lee]

Look at me. Yeah, tone deaf. Yeah, tone deaf. You're a broken Filipino.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, here we go.

[Bobby Lee]

Here we go. Filipinos.

[Bert Kreischer]

Killer Filipino.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have broken ones. Yeah. We're exposing your people, dude. You mean because when it goes wrong, it goes wrong. There's probably a boxer Filipino that does this. All right, here's what we do. Here's what we do. Okay. Why don't you do the whole song?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. I'll do the whole song up into a. And by the way. And I'll also. I'm gonna punch it up.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, you're gonna. You're gonna be. You're better than Chat. Ggbt.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I am.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have to be better than chap. GPT. All right, Ray, hold on. Hang on. Are we not as good as chat. GPT?

[Jules]

We'll find out.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm gonna sing the sec. You the first two. I do two, and then you do two. Let's go. Two, two, two, two. Okay, ready? Just go now.

[Bert Kreischer]

One second.

[Bobby Lee]

He waits too long. Dude, just start here. Yeah, he waits too long.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right?

[Bobby Lee]

I don't do four. Ready?

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Bobby Lee]

Do two. One more time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. Go Now. You're like Liam Gallagher and his brother. I know. Take the song.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm like. Oh, I'm very old. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go. Imagine Bobby naked rolling on the floor. Bobby. God damn it. Bobby.

[Bobby Lee]

Bro, what happened?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm trying to better fat gb Later. What? Later?

[Bobby Lee]

I don't get my lines.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, no, no. Bobby, this is a. I'm singing about you. You don't sing about Bobby. I sing about Bobby. Oh.

[Bobby Lee]

So I went imagine bird as shirtless as me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Jules]

And then here, together, you guys sing this.

[Bert Kreischer]

This. You. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine.

[Bobby Lee]

Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Bobby Lee]

I don't know. You know, you sing the whole thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one go.

[Bobby Lee]

I don't like your attitude. That's narcissism behavior. All right, all right, so here we go. It's all about You. You can sing the song. You're the lead singer. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm tambourine guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You. Dude, no one sings the song.

[Bobby Lee]

Dude. If we had you in a band, it would be no band.

[Bert Kreischer]

If Bobby. Bruce Springsteen didn't sing Born in the USA about another guy. He's talking about himself. Right, right. You don't say, like, she broke my heart, and then all of a sudden, you turn into her. I sing about Bobby, you sing about I can't believe.

[Jules]

Chorus together and then the chorus together.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm just rehearsing or.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or doing it.

[Bobby Lee]

No way. Default. Okay, let's start from the beginning. Start from the beginning. I just need a practice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Practice. All right, I'm going. Just chat. GPT. I'm not going to try.

[Bobby Lee]

But let me get this straight. When verse two happens, I sing. I don't want to do this again. Okay, let me get this straight. If you interrupt the podcast over. I can't do it. I've had my apathy here. Okay, ready? I. I'm warning you guys. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What did you just have? I have my pot up to here.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pot ready.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on. I think what happens.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I think we do. I do verse one, you do verse two. And then all three of us harmonize.

[Bobby Lee]

Chorus, the chorus, you go imagine. I go rolling, you go telling. I say, like, right.

[Jules]

He just switched it up.

[Bobby Lee]

Is that what you mean? I don't know what it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no. I do verse one, you do verse two. And then the chorus, we harmonize. Since we all. But we've got to get to her harmony. Okay? So Bobby. And when you harmonize. Wait, we gotta match her voice.

[Bobby Lee]

You may say that they need clothing. Clothing.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then we'll match you. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

You. You may say, okay, we got it. We got the rehearsal.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

This is the one last time we. Okay, whatever. We're gonna power through.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's do it.

[Bobby Lee]

I feel like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we're going beginning to end.

[Bobby Lee]

Beginning to end.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you see the name Bert, you sing. If I see the name Bobby, I sing.

[Bobby Lee]

I have to do two songs at once. I can't do it. My eyes have to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Every chorus. You do every chorus.

[Jules]

Ver.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bobby.

[Jules]

Verse three is. You look imagine for.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, all right, all right. Let's try it. Let's try it. All right. B. And the beginning.

[Bert Kreischer]

I need do vocal. Imagine. And here we go. Sell it. Imagine Bobby naked, rolling on the floor, telling us his trauma like we ain't heard before.

[Bobby Lee]

I Know, Imagine Bird is shirtless. That chest is default.

[Bert Kreischer]

Woohoo. You may say they need clothing. Clothing.

[Bobby Lee]

But they'll never wear a shirt. But they'll never wear a shirt. Oh, fuck it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Keep it going. Afraid of the.

[Bobby Lee]

Hold on. I don't know where I'm at.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, here we go.

[Bobby Lee]

Imagine Bird. Wait, imagine. Imagine Bird is sweating, half naked on a plane, Yelling about Russians and slurring through his champagne.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here you go, Burke. Imagine Bobby Mooney. Every guest who stops by.

[Bobby Lee]

Woo hoo.

[Bert Kreischer]

You may say it's disturbing, but I swear it's kind of great. If you don't like naked chaos, then my dude, you're just no fun, mate. I think. I think. I gotta be honest with you. You really added to it.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. I have to be honest with you. We're never gonna do that again.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was really great.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do a one about civil rights movement. Chachi BT Civil rights movement. Imagine about the civil rights movement.

[Bobby Lee]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. Do one about.

[Bobby Lee]

Well, we have to do it as black people then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never mind. Don't do it. Don't do it. Yeah, do one about Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah, yeah. Set to imagine.

[Bobby Lee]

How about this Stephen Hawking? We can do Stephen Hawking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, do Anne Frank. Pete. Have you seen his Anne Frank song?

[Bobby Lee]

No, I'm not doing the Anne Frank song again. Or Pete. Okay, okay. But Pete, I have to say, your staff, every one of them, I love them so much.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I do too.

[Bobby Lee]

Pete, are you seeing anybody on the staff there? No. All right, who do you see? Pete, See anybody right now? Very handy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You really not see anyone? He's. He's kind of. He's kind of a. He's a. He. He's a. A bonefish. Bonefish are hard. Hard to catch, but once you catch them, they're fun to realize in real bonefish. Pete. Okay. When a time is open, times of trouble, Pete walks away from me saying, do it yourself, fat. So go.

[Bobby Lee]

Let me be wow on the spot too. We're not doing anymore.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, do another one.

[Bobby Lee]

No, I don't want to do anymore.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's do one.

[Bobby Lee]

I don't have a lot of like Len in the. I can make one up.

[Bert Kreischer]

But do. Do ones you learned in Korean class. Like, like. Okay, ready? I'll do this part.

[Bobby Lee]

Forget it. No, we're not doing any of that.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is pretty great that you can play piano.

[Bobby Lee]

I always want to do a comedy band. Can you play anything? Anything?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Guitar. If you have a guitar, I'll bang one out.

[Bobby Lee]

Do you think we should write A song, a single for the fires.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. We have too many people that work with us that lost their houses. We would get calls immediately. UTA and CAA going, yo, bro, take that down.

[Bobby Lee]

No, no, no. First of all, I'm not. It's not a. It's not be called Great Balls of Fire. We're gonna do a random song and all the proceeds go to the fire victim.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay?

[Bobby Lee]

Jesus Christ. Where's your mind at, guy?

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I can't imagine that we're going to make a serious song.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, I know, but it's like, we, we. I. I gotta go soon, but I'm so sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's getting hot in here.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm so sorry, but my friend's gonna pick me up in 10 minutes. And we did a very long time. Jean Hong is a producer. He's very talented. Anyway, you want to try calling Ari back again? He didn't call us back. Jean Hong is a. My best friend. Him and Dumbfounder are very close to me. And I'll say Andrea, Jen, and we all hang out and I. I've been hanging out with a lot of Asians lately.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real, I've been. I always hang out with Asians.

[Bobby Lee]

I've never seen you hang out with a single Asian. Let me ask you a question.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shoot.

[Bobby Lee]

How many Asians were on your tour ever?

[Bert Kreischer]

I have one.

[Bobby Lee]

What's his name?

[Bert Kreischer]

Bobby Lee.

[Bobby Lee]

Exactly. That's not a variety.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pete, do you have any more Asians? I got a couple blacks and I'm actually.

[Jules]

We were hanging out with Sandy this morning.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. I was with an Asian. Hey, Siri, pull up a picture of an Asian on my phone. Guarantee you I know this person. Oh, it just pulled the camera on and it's on you. Wow, that's really good series quick.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what? What I loved about your shows because we would do big gigantic theaters. Right. And open air amphitheater.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Thousands of people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you to want. Want that in life?

[Bobby Lee]

Don't want that in life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Would you. Would you. Would you ever want to do an arena tour?

[Jules]

If you Google Burke Crusher with Asians, it's just photo of you and Kalila with him.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you sure that's it?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Jules]

You type in Burke.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, wait, there's another one. There's a. No, that's not me. Who is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's Oliver Stone. Oh, my God.

[Bobby Lee]

That's so fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

Type in Burt Chrysler with black people. But it's just Donnell.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, get me out of here. I don't Google Myself for a reason.

[Bobby Lee]

Did I hurt your feelings?

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. I just. I read something. I'm dyslexic, so no matter what anyone writes about me, I misread it. And so I immediately, I go get my feelings hurt, so I don't read anything.

[Bobby Lee]

Me and. Me and my friend Andrew Santino. You know him?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Bobby Lee]

How do you feel about him? Okay. But we have a animated show I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Heard you guys are doing.

[Bobby Lee]

Would you do some voices?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Cuz we'll call you if you turn us down. It'll be a divide.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I ask you a question? Yeah, I. I'll tell you what. I'm in 100%. Can I ask you a question? I was thinking about this the other day. I was in Spain and I was listening to people laugh, and I realized different cultures laugh differently.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, here we go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on.

[Bobby Lee]

Do my laugh then.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm asking you. I'm not telling you. I'm not going to go, hey, watch this. This is racist.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm. I'm going to go like, like, like. We all know that, like, black people laugh better than white people, right? Yes. Yeah. It's louder. It's more engaged. I would say Asian. Probably laugh a little quieter than black people.

[Bobby Lee]

It depends on where you are, but, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, show me, like, what I want to. What I was going to do is give you a country, and I want to see you give me their stereotypical laugh of what you think it is.

[Bobby Lee]

I just know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Give me one. Say Germany.

[Bobby Lee]

I don't want to say Germany.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Because you already have one prepared.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Portugal. Portugal.

[Bert Kreischer]

Portugal.

[Bobby Lee]

Very good. Oh, give me one. I know how to play this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stockholm, Sweden. No, no.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you ever been to Stockholm?

[Bobby Lee]

I'm just doing my.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll give you Stockholm. Get ready. Ready.

[Bobby Lee]

We'll do yours.

[Bert Kreischer]

You say. You say something funny. I'll be Stockholmish.

[Bobby Lee]

What? Oh. So the Jew and the black guy walk into a bar. Bartender says, we don't have people that serve with you. We don't get out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. It's very funny. That's very funny. I get it. It makes sense. Sense in math. It's. It's good. That's good.

[Bobby Lee]

They don't laugh, you're saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly.

[Bobby Lee]

Wow, that's incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

And like, when you go to Nigeria.

[Bobby Lee]

Let's go Nigeria. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I mean, Nigeria, my friend.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, very.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a good one.

[Bobby Lee]

That's from coming to America.

[Bert Kreischer]

She was sucking his dick.

[Bobby Lee]

That's a good one. So good, my friend. Do China. That was so cute. That's Japanese, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay. Like, no, they're more.

[Bobby Lee]

To me, it's more evil. Like, You a dumb cowboy, you're poisoned.

[Bert Kreischer]

You dumb cowboy, you've been poisoned.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, do North Korean versus South Korean. Oh, South Korean. Okay. North Korean.

[Bobby Lee]

I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. What's a Filipino laugh? Give me a stereotypical Filipino laugh.

[Jules]

Yeah, stereotypical.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Bobby Lee]

That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it.

[Bobby Lee]

That's how they laugh.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, give me a Scottish laugh. Oh, yeah. The white person sounded like a vampire.

[Bobby Lee]

He was doing his nostril. So what I'm saying to you is, when you go to him, you know how sometimes you're white, Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Bobby Lee]

He's a numbers guy. That's the best way to say it. You know the accountant.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, this will great. Invest in this. That's great, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I love a good ch.

[Bobby Lee]

He's not a creative guy. Yeah. Like, let's do an English accent, George. Oh, jolly good, mate. Of course I do a good English accent. What you talking about?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a little Irish with it, but.

[Bobby Lee]

A little Irish?

[Bert Kreischer]

It means your mom's Irish.

[Bobby Lee]

How about a Southern guy? Hey.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me?

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, like a Theo Vaughn? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What you talking about?

[Bobby Lee]

No, that was closer.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not even sure Theo is, like, technically Southern accent. Yeah, it's like something else. Yeah, it's something else. It's not Southern. It's just subtle.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like. And especially Southern New Orleans is like. You can barely understand it.

[Bobby Lee]

Jean. Bring Jean in here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Who's Jean?

[Bobby Lee]

My friend, the producer.

[Bert Kreischer]

What did he produce?

[Bobby Lee]

He's a staff writer on Beef, but he also was the executive Beef. Oh, yeah. He's also the executive producer of the show I did Magnum PI for real? Yeah. And he's. He's just like a great writer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? Do a project or you just have.

[Bobby Lee]

We've done. Well, he booked me on. He would write all my Magnum P.I. episodes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You on Magnum P.I.

[Bobby Lee]

I did the 20. 12 of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

12? They had 12 years of Magnum P. No, 12 episodes.

[Bobby Lee]

I was reoccurring. Oh, yeah. Google Jin.

[Bert Kreischer]

Google Jin.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. Google Jin. And when he comes in, I'm gonna go, this is the guy. I do not like this guy character.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, this character is the worst.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know? I mean. Wait, not Jen. Google. The. The. Your producer.

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, Jean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

But Gina hung out there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, you ready?

[Jules]

Let me put.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's good looking.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What the. Is he a. Is he a producer or an actor?

[Jules]

Does that look big enough yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is he with Post Malone?

[Bobby Lee]

No, he's the. Look at him with. His best friend is Jake. So I've eaten dinner with Jake and him before.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where's he from?

[Bobby Lee]

He's from Korea. I mean, from Pittsburgh. Yeah, he's from Pittsburgh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, get this off. Get this off screen right now. Get this off screen right now. It's off screen. Get off the. Get this off the screen. Yeah, so. So anyway, no, so I was.

[Bobby Lee]

We could cut that. I know you're not. We can cut it out, but can you sit down for a second?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Lee]

What? Hey.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, go to.

[Bobby Lee]

Go to Jules seat. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know you've been talking about it a lot. You can cut this out, right? Yeah, yeah, we can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you heard of him?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we met in Vegas.

[Bobby Lee]

We went to.

[Bert Kreischer]

We were.

[Bobby Lee]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

What? Oh, cuz. What? Wait, no, we were going to do a bit. Oh, I see what you. You're trying.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I am.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you see yourself on the screen? What? I was like. I was like. It's on the screen. Get off the screen.

[Bobby Lee]

I've never seen a bailor like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. Dude, you should have committed. I'm so nervous.

[Bobby Lee]

He was going to do a prank.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not good at pranks.

[Bobby Lee]

Cuz he did Community. Do you remember him on Community or.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I was only in one season. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

The last season.

[Bert Kreischer]

No middle.

[Bobby Lee]

Like, what happened? You laugh. What else job did you get?

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, we're talking about. Okay, you ready? We're going to give you a nationality. You give us what you think their laugh sounds like.

[Bobby Lee]

He's not a performer.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no. Bobby, why you.

[Bobby Lee]

Because he's my friend.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, you ready? Okay, hold on. I'm going to give you example.

[Bobby Lee]

You laugh and then I give the nationality or.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. No. Okay, let's do it that way. Let's do it. That was better. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Bobby Lee]

There's no way he's going to get that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on, hang on.

[Bobby Lee]

What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, hold on. I'm going to. That's a good one. What ethnicity? Nationality? Nationality?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I think down under.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. Bobby. I am not playing Password with Bobby.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, okay, okay. That was.

[Bert Kreischer]

You think that was us showing. You think that. Okay.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, all right.

[Bert Kreischer]

You give me. You give me Australia.

[Bobby Lee]

I. I cannot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You give me.

[Bobby Lee]

Would you. Hey, would you ever hire him for anything?

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course. Like what? I don't need a job.

[Bobby Lee]

Right now. No, no. If you had a job producing something.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's done everything.

[Bobby Lee]

And you. And you were. We looked you up and you were casting. Would you cast him in anything?

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you asking? Who's hiring who?

[Bobby Lee]

He's hiring you for a TV job or a film job.

[Jules]

Of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would kill to work with this guy. Oh, wow.

[Bobby Lee]

Jesus Christ. This is going really good.

[Bert Kreischer]

You want conflict right now?

[Bobby Lee]

Is that what you want? No, no, no, no, no. Be honest. Right? Yeah. Who would you cast first? Between him and I. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is if you had to pitch. Okay, dude, I love Real Pit.

[Bobby Lee]

Do you want to watch a movie tonight or not?

[Bert Kreischer]

If you had to pitch a TV show with Bobby and me as the two leads, what would that be? It would be an incredible odd couple show. Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

Yep. Roommates.

[Bert Kreischer]

The problem is you're.

[Bobby Lee]

I don't know you that well, but you're both. One needs to be more type A. You're both little kind of unkempt animals. Right? You need a little recasting.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why. That's why we work well with Andrew and Tommy.

[Bobby Lee]

That's right. You need the other.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hot.

[Bobby Lee]

Defined. We're the. We're the weird ones.

[Bert Kreischer]

Both of us are both unhinged or in. Like, in Lethal Weapon, both of us are murdered. Murdoch. No, no. Murtaugh. Murtaugh.

[Bobby Lee]

Is that the A team?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. Was there that Murdoch on E. Was there Murdoch on A team? Murtaugh is lethal Weapon. Yeah, but there's a Murdoch on A team.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I know stuff, too, TV guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

So defensive.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I'm not being defensive. I mean, I don't like your arrogance right now, dude. Yeah, yeah. Do you think I'm a narcissist, Gene?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. There we go.

[Bobby Lee]

Fuck you, dude. I have empathy for animals. Animals. I help people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Wait.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Animals isn't on there, Bobby.

[Bobby Lee]

I know the empathy is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone's got empathy for animals except for serial killers.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. Okay. Anyway, we're gonna cut that part out. I don't like that. That was throwing me on the bus. What would you consider in your friend group? How high am I up in your friend group? Oh, you're top three.

[Bert Kreischer]

Top. Top tier.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, Top tier. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

I feel the same way about you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, do you have. Do you have. This is gonna come out wrong immediately.

[Bobby Lee]

We gotta go watch a movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is there. Is there like a. A. Like, almost like an Asian underground team in Hollywood where you guys text each other and keep in touch?

[Bobby Lee]

Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's leading me to say Yes.

[Bobby Lee]

I. I don't know if that's. We have. I have threads that are exclusively Asian. Who.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I guess you could. So you're saying that we call it. Probably do it.

[Bobby Lee]

The beef thread.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. Wait, you know, can I. Can I get someone in your thread?

[Bobby Lee]

What? Have penetration or a What?

[Bert Kreischer]

I've never thought that it was an all Asian thread.

[Bobby Lee]

There just happens to be threads that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Were all Asian and. But are all in the business.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so like a new.

[Bobby Lee]

What are the odds of that, Jan, that seems like a perfectly constructed idea here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, no, wait. Because I have. I have a buddy who's Asian who's a very big director. Oh, no. Okay. But I was trying to slide him into your team.

[Bobby Lee]

Our team or my team?

[Bert Kreischer]

Your team. Like, were you. Just me. Him. Have a drink.

[Bobby Lee]

Probably knows him already.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, maybe do.

[Bobby Lee]

What's his name?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not going to say it.

[Bobby Lee]

No, we'll bleep it. But we're going to cut this part. Probably sound like an Asian last name.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was adopted by whites.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. Bjorn.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know if you've heard of the Vietnam War.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard of the. I know more about the Vietnam War than you do.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bet I know more about the Vietnam War than you do.

[Bobby Lee]

There's no way.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. Dude, 100%. He's pretty Asian.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay, then why. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't think he's Asian.

[Bobby Lee]

I don't think.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, he's.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like. Oh, he's purebred.

[Bobby Lee]

Really. He's Antonio Banderas. The gray hair that's drawing me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's the gray hair.

[Bobby Lee]

Anyway. Yeah. You.

[Bert Kreischer]

Raised by.

[Bobby Lee]

You don't have any full Asians. You don't have any full Asians, and I'll tell you why.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Bobby Lee]

Scared.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You ready?

[Bobby Lee]

We gotta go watch him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on. Stop calling an Asian right now. And I. You don't even need to see her. And you'll go. Excuse us.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, I. I bet she's not going to pick up for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I guarantee.

[Bobby Lee]

We don't like you.

[Bert Kreischer]

She better pick up for me. She's my maid. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. Joking.

[Bobby Lee]

We'll cut that part out, Jane.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay?

[Bobby Lee]

We'll clean it up. We'll clean it up. Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just by her accent. Hello? Hey, Bird, what's up? Oh, yeah. Who's that? It's Jean.

[Bobby Lee]

It's the most Asian. Yeah, it's Jean Hong Hong. Jean Hong.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jean Hong. Oh, you saw her name on my phone. Yeah, I did. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God, dude.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, that's beef riding.

[Bobby Lee]

That's beef riding.

[Bert Kreischer]

So good.

[Bobby Lee]

That's beef.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, we're gonna cook steaks tonight, if you want to have a steak. Oh, can I bring. Yeah, bring. What time? I'm leaving here right now. So we'll be over there probably like seven. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. Can you speak? Can you speak?

[Bobby Lee]

We're Korean. We're Korean.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Bingo.

[Bobby Lee]

No bingo. We know that word too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm with Bobby Lee. Oh, who's Jin Jean, then? I'm trying to introduce him to. There's an Asian clique in Hollywood where they only hire Asians.

[Bobby Lee]

That's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's insane. He said he just saw a picture. He doesn't look that Asian. And I went, He's 100 Asian, right? No, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. What's his breakdown?

[Bobby Lee]

What's his ethnic ethnicity? He's half. Eliminates in half Scottish.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, so you're not 100? Wait, wait, wait. I thought he was 100.

[Bobby Lee]

No, dude, we can tell by the photo. We have eyes.

[Jules]

The face is not 100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

How could he. He looks kind of Mexican.

[Bobby Lee]

Exactly. Did I not say Antonio Banderas? Dude, there's Antonio. Brenda's brother knows. I know, I know. Yeah. You're a fool Asian.

[Bert Kreischer]

He won't be that sexy. All right. Okay. All right. I love you. I'll talk to you later. Bye.

[Bobby Lee]

Wait, did she say if she was. He was full Asian? She would. He wouldn't be that sexy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think she.

[Bobby Lee]

By the way, you played it off, you played it up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I heard it. I went, all right, I'll talk to you later. You.

[Bobby Lee]

Your face change colors, and then you hung up. That was amazing. That was the most racist thing I've ever heard.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's. She's full aged.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to bleep out her name, but we're to keep it in.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's full aged.

[Bobby Lee]

That was a good fucking thing bit there. Oh, very good bit, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got me so good. And I went, because, you know, she's had.

[Bobby Lee]

It's this guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, I'm leaving. I'm leaving, I'm leaving. She was. She does have weird people that she knows. And you. Ari called Sandy.

[Bobby Lee]

Ari called.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Lee]

You're ar called. You don't have to say anything, Jean. Hey, Ari, your dog. I'm with Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

Aaron Bird.

[Bobby Lee]

I'm in. I'm with. Bert Kreischer. I'm with. And we. We had this little argument. Who do you think is more narcissist? Narcissism. Me or Bert?

[Bert Kreischer]

More narcissist.

[Bobby Lee]

Who's more of a narcissist, me or Bert?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's going to be me. Okay, well, I think neither one of you really knows what that word means. Hold on, hang on. This might be my favorite part. Please. Saying neither of us are narcissists because I agree with you, but keep going. Ari. I said you're both too dumb to understand the meaning of that. That was problematic.

[Bobby Lee]

Thanks for calling. Thanks for calling in. Sociopath. Bye.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bye.

[Bobby Lee]

Bye bye. That's what a sociopath was like. That was the most insulting thing I've ever heard in my life. That we couldn't grasp constantly. Concept. He's like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bobby Lee]

When him and I had no talking for a couple years, we didn't like each other. He would literally come up to me. You're stupid. You know that, right? Like, you're dumb and just walk away. He was mean. You know that? About.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's not his fault.

[Bobby Lee]

It's not a fault.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's Hitler's fault.

[Bobby Lee]

That's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you think about it, his. His parents. His grandparents survived the Holocaust.

[Bobby Lee]

Okay. Anyway, I know what you're doing right now. You're trying to extend the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah. So I'm gonna end it right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tell me. No, no.

[Bobby Lee]

Watch Bert's podcast. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Bobby Lee]

Netflix streaming on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Netflix streaming right now. It's streaming right now.

[Bobby Lee]

Netflix.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's called Lucky. It's called look how good I look.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you think of the pants? Love it. Oh, do you? Yeah. Thank you. I love the backdrop. I love this set.

[Bobby Lee]

Yeah, it's beautiful.

[Bert Kreischer]

It looks great.

[Bobby Lee]

It's great, dude. And you toned your body. Like something's going on. Like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, you were with me, Bobby, right then. I lost weight.

[Bobby Lee]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gained.

[Bobby Lee]

Anyway, give Bir Kreisler a round of applause. I Makabali.