David Cross & The Zamboni Lie

Summary

TigerBelly Podcast: “David Cross & The Zamboni Lie”

Host: Bobby Lee (A), with Khalyla (not present in this transcript), and co-hosts
Guest: David Cross
Release Date: March 25, 2026
Podcast Network: All Things Comedy

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Overview

This episode of TigerBelly features legendary comedian David Cross in a wide-ranging and uninhibited conversation with Bobby Lee and the TigerBelly crew. The group explores the blurred lines between truth and embellishment in comedy, the pressures of stand-up, career trajectories, memories of the comedy scene in the 1980s and 1990s, personal neuroses, and the etiquette of authenticity both onstage and off. The show is marked by its playful energy, meta-commentary on podcasting itself, and sharp insights into the comedy world, with plenty of ribbing and warmth between Bobby and David.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Introductions & Comedy Credits

• Bobby jokes about being starstruck and excited to have David on the show.
• Bobby lists off David’s comedy accomplishments (Mr. Show, Arrested Development, Waiting for Guffman, Scary Movie 2), and David quips about being “thrown under the bus” for only getting credit for Scary Movie 2.
• [04:45] "I'm excited to be here. This is a long time coming for me." — David Cross

2. The “Yeah, Yeah, Yeah” and “Wow” Quirk

• David observes Bobby’s repeated use of “yeah, yeah, yeah” and “wow” as conversational crutches.
• They dissect why Bobby uses these phrases, whether it’s nervousness, a filler, or an unconscious habit.
• [07:33] "That's just the way I talk. Do I say yeah, yeah? Wait, hold on. Yeah, I say that a lot." — Bobby Lee
• The group tries to brainstorm alternative expressions (“stupendous,” “golly”) and what these verbal tics mean about anxiety and the way comics process conversation.

3. Comic Origin Stories & Comedy Trajectories

• David recounts the formative influence of Boston’s comedy scene, including his “Cross Comedy” group, relationships with Steven Wright and Lauren Dombrowski, and how specific connections brought him to LA (via manager Tim Sarkis).
• [09:13] "Lauren introduced… Stephen [Wright], you gotta come down… Stephen came down and I was like, what the—this is cool." — David Cross
• Discussion of early struggles: sleeping on couches, working menial jobs, being broke but having fun and a strong sense of community among comics.
• [46:26] "I didn't have any, like, I didn't think like, oh, any day now it's gonna happen... But I was also a fuck-up and I was drinking heavily, taking drugs... I had no responsibilities except to myself." — David Cross

4. Process: Building a Stand-Up Hour

• Bobby admits his first special took 30 years to generate, drawing from all his best material due to never being previously asked for a special.
• David details his own process: he can’t write at a desk, so he develops material on stage, records every set, and hones bits at small venues like Union Hall in Brooklyn.
• [33:33] "I go up with notes and I record every set and go, you know, let’s try this… and you just sort of build..." — David Cross
• Bobby expresses anxiety about silence on stage; David urges him to embrace it as a tool, not a threat.
• [34:07] "Silence is your friend. Don’t be afraid of silence." — David Cross

5. Authenticity, Exaggeration, and Lying in Comedy

• Deep dive into comedic embellishment: David confesses a personal hangup against exaggeration or making up details—rooted in his father’s pathological lying.
• [58:48] "I can’t… when like my wife or any friends, too, are telling a story… and they exaggerate, I’ll be like, it wasn’t five miles away. It was two and a half miles." — David Cross
• The conversation gets meta and self-deprecating as Bobby admits to embellishing for comedic punch (“I lie. I’m a liar. I’m a fraud.” — [65:09] Bobby Lee).
• They debate the acceptability of “white lies” or filling gaps in memory for narrative flow, versus wholesale fabrication.
• The infamous “Zamboni lie” is dissected: details about someone allegedly riding a Zamboni, and whether that part was made up for comedic effect (see [67:01] for the breakdown).
• [67:43] "You’ve got a guy with down syndrome riding a Zamboni who’s going to molest you, and you gotta make something up." — David Cross

6. Cultural Comedy, TV, and “Hooks”

• Nostalgic discussion of early TV sets (Conan, Premium Blend), how comics used to be told to develop “hooks” or characters for stage personas (“Jackie Banana” in a yellow suit).
• David is shown a clip of an early TV set and laughs at his own awkward style and fashion choices.
• [75:51] "The nervousness of it… it’s just the—this nervousness that you’ve never really felt before. It’s like, do or die." — Bobby Lee
• Bobby and David talk about bombing on early TV sets, laugh tracks, and how experience changes their anxiety toward stand-up performance.

7. Luck, Success, and Self-Sabotage

• The role of luck in the comedy business is discussed, as is the fear of success and self-sabotage that can affect talented performers.
• [47:59] "A lot of it is luck, you know, and I thought—yes, I know really, really… some really unlucky people, and they’re very talented." — David Cross
• A Boston comic allegedly lost out on “Bosom Buddies” due to a refusal to dress in drag; they riff on the Hollywood mythos about “humiliation rituals.”
• General discussion of how attitudes, self-worth, and adaptability help a comic persist over a turbulent career.

8. Connection, Groundedness, and Mental Health

• David speaks on the importance of not getting too high or low from professional successes or failures—a conscious choice to maintain mental health and longevity.
• [83:03] "I mean, I never get too high or too low ever." — David Cross
• Bobby self-deprecates about searching for self-worth, with laughter and group support.

9. Memorable Stories and Inside Jokes

• Hilarious riffs on audience reactions, headshots from Sears/Olin Mills, and the absurdities of early showbiz gigs.
• Jokingly discuss Bobby’s and David's “Asian” looks when tanned; Bobby gets roasted for looking “older” with his hair back.
• Frequent callbacks (“Caesar salad,” “curly fries”) become inside jokes as the episode unfolds.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• David Cross:
  • "Silence is your friend. Don’t be afraid of silence." [34:07]
  • "I don’t like people who even exaggerate… it’s all psychological because of my dad… I just can’t let it go." [58:47]
  • "You’ve got a guy with down syndrome riding a Zamboni who’s going to molest you, and you gotta make something up." [67:43]
  • "A lot of it is luck… and some people are just unlucky but very talented." [47:59]
• Bobby Lee:
  • "I’m a liar. I’m a liar. I’m a fraud." [65:11]
  • "I've always been able to hit the ball when needed." [77:17]
  • "Every time I go on stage, it’s life or death. I want them to like me so much… the neediness of their affirmation is what I crave." [37:38]
  • "I bombed so hard. It was so hard." [76:32]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–02:20: Bobby’s tour plug, hat banter, David Cross introduction
• 04:45: Bobby expresses excitement at having David as a guest
• 07:33–13:00: Bobby’s use of “yeah, yeah, yeah,” meta-podcasting
• 09:13–11:05: David on Boston’s comedy scene, career connections (Steven Wright, Lauren Dombroski)
• 20:24–22:11: David’s awkward experience at his daughter’s swim class with an eccentric New York character
• 33:00–35:04: Cross and Bobby share their processes for building a stand-up hour, and the fear of silence
• 37:38: Bobby’s neediness for audience affirmation
• 58:48: David’s “pet peeve” about exaggerations and lies in storytelling
• 65:11: Bobby confesses to being a “liar” for comedic effect
• 67:01–67:43: The “Zamboni lie” explained in detail
• 75:00: Viewing old headshots and early TV spots
• 76:34: Addressing nerves and pressure on early TV sets
• 83:03: David on staying emotionally centered
• 84:06: David praises the show as a great experience, says he laughed more than he has all week

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a masterclass in comedic self-awareness, balancing genuine vulnerability with rapid-fire riffing and meta-humor. For fans of stand-up and anyone curious about the psychology and craft behind comedy, it offers both practical wisdom and laughs. The “Zamboni Lie” itself becomes a metaphor for the delicate dance every comic does with the truth—and the enduring debate between emotional truth and factual accuracy on stage.

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David Cross’s new special: The End of the Beginning of the End – available on officialdavidcross.com and (later) on YouTube via 800 Pound Gorilla.

Bobby Lee’s Hulu stand-up special: Finally – coming in November.

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For full context and more shenanigans, listen to the episode on your preferred podcast platform.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, everybody. Bobby Lee here. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hi, hi, hi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Bobby Lee the Finally tour is up for sale 2026. You know, I shot a special for Hulu, and I'm going to go one strong tour before the special airs. I'll be in Detroit, Indianapolis, Montclair, Atlantic City, Medford, San Antonio, Houston, Dallas, et cetera, et cetera. Go to bobbylee Live to get your tickets.

[B]

I'll be there, too.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Cats opening, and also Ramsey Badawi. No one cares.

[C]

But anyway, can I come to some?

[A]

You can come to some. Do you really like the hat? Or is this just something that you got nervous?

[C]

Getting complimented?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Getting compliments.

[A]

They told us to compliment you.

[C]

Yeah, I'm weird.

[A]

They were like, make sure he feels. Do you do cans or do you not do cans?

[C]

I do not.

[A]

You don't. Oh, you don't. You don't. You.

[C]

I don't want to. Unless you want to hear a song at the beginning.

[A]

No, I'm not gonna do a song. I haven't done. I haven't been doing songs. He sings in a special. Do a song. Porn. Well, I mean. I mean, I didn't really write one.

[C]

Oh, I need that.

[A]

I didn't really write. Okay, let's listen. Oh, no, no, let's skip the song. Let's skip the song. Let's skip the song. We gotta keep the hat on. Hat or song? Put the hat back. PS11. Yeah, let.

[C]

Let my hat hear the song.

[A]

Okay, good, good. Zoom in on the hat. Yeah, got that. I just woke up, so sorry. Can we start over? Yeah,

[C]

yeah. David Cross.

[A]

David Cross is here. All right. David Cross, everybody.

[C]

Put the hell back on you. You couldn't rhyme something with.

[A]

Oh, yeah, it cry. He's the boss. He's lost.

[C]

He added a T. Yeah, yeah. Added a T. You could say his loss. Or at a loss.

[A]

Yeah, I'm not much of a writer.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You're more of a writer.

[C]

I think I'm more of a, like. I know. Logical rhyming.

[A]

Oh, you know, logical rhyming.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, so I, I. Oh, you just Googled it. It's a little too late. It's October.

[C]

What is that?

[A]

Just in case you.

[C]

Do it again.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wait. Cross with an E. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

What's. That's not a thing. That's cross if you're in London. Cross, Cross, Cross.

[B]

Cross.

[A]

Okay, let's give him a proper intro. If I may. Huge fan. Uncomfortable. Are you good with compliments?

[C]

I'M better now.

[A]

Yeah, you are.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So, you know, I saw. When I was younger, I don't know what year, but this is when I was doing premium blend. I saw Premium blend.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

That's 1948.

[A]

1948. I did premium blend, and I saw your HBO special, and I was like. And then I became obsessed with Mr. Xiao. Right. And. And then you work on Arrested Development. Amazing. Waiting for Goffman. I remember that part, sure. Yeah. Yeah. You've done so many things and is enough credits or.

[C]

That's fine.

[A]

Yeah. Scary Movie. Scary movie. Yeah.

[C]

Two.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You have other credits, Pete, of the other. Other credits that I haven't mentioned.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. No, no, no, no.

[C]

You go now. You guys are on the spot. You guys are.

[A]

That's actually the only thing I've

[C]

thrown under the bus.

[A]

Yeah. I was like, scary movie two guys coming. Okay. Yeah. Cat, Any.

[B]

Yeah, just a big fan.

[C]

Just nothing specific. I mean. I mean, why narrow it down to a handful of things?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big fan. And, you know, I. You know, I rarely get guests. It's not that I'm nervous, but it's like, I get a little bit. I'm kind of excited. I'm very excited that you're here.

[C]

I'm.

[A]

I'm excited to be here. This is a long time coming for me. And what. And what a great guest. And I'd like to introduce everyone in the room, if I may.

[C]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. We have a gay here. Hi.

[C]

If I had a guess.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I think I would have nailed it. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish you would have let him guess. Oh, I really. Yeah. And he's a Korean flavor. Yeah. Which is. Is it a rarity or. No, so far I haven't found many. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of unicornish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we gay, Korean. And then this is our friend Cat Burr.

[C]

I know plenty of gay Koreans.

[A]

Do you? Do you really?

[C]

What are their names? Not necessarily. Here are their names.

[A]

Name five.

[C]

Not necessarily here in L. A, but in New York. Certainly in New York. Yeah. I'll tell you what.

[A]

He's looking for his credit. Yeah.

[C]

Know who to ask? Kevin Spacey.

[A]

Yeah. He likes that. Yeah. He likes the gay.

[C]

Yeah, he does.

[A]

Yeah. Maybe Brian Singer, the Twinks. You know the game Offia is what I call it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

X Men's coming back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's not. I don't know.

[C]

Okay, so.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Gay cream.

[A]

Yeah. And then we have a. A standard white is what I Like to call her. Yeah. Like a hometown standard. Midwest. White lady.

[C]

Lady.

[A]

A lady.

[B]

Okay, thank you.

[A]

A white lady.

[C]

Where are you from, David Cross?

[B]

I'm from la, actually.

[C]

You don't know.

[A]

You were saying spiritually Midwest. Yeah, well, I just don't know much about her. Oh, yeah, that's. Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

I didn't know you. I didn't know you grew up in la. Yes.

[C]

What part?

[B]

Altadena.

[C]

Oh, that is the Midwest of la.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

That is the Midwest.

[A]

Little.

[C]

They consider it.

[A]

They say pop.

[C]

Little Ohio.

[A]

Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. And. And then you. Did you ever live in LA or.

[C]

No, I did. Yeah. For nine and a half years.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I was in Boston for nine years, and then I came out to write on the Ben Stiller show and stayed and did Mr. Show and the aforementioned Scary Movie, too.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

And then. And then hightailed it on out of here.

[A]

You did. You got out?

[C]

Yeah, I. I always. My little quip was that I. I moved to LA to make enough money to move away from la.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

I don't.

[A]

I'm not a. Yeah.

[C]

Huge fan. I don't hate it, but I don't care for it.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I. I've been trying to get out, too, but I'm stuck.

[C]

You're here forever, dude.

[A]

Where are you trying to go? San Diego.

[C]

I like San Diego.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. But so in.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the.

[A]

What do you mean? What do you mean?

[C]

What do you. What do you.

[A]

What?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me.

[A]

Wait, I know, but that's just the way I talk. Do I say yeah, yeah. Wait, hold on. Yeah, I see that a lot.

[C]

The San Diego.

[A]

It's condescending.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's a San Diego type of. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just did it again. Yeah. You know, how about this? How about this? How about this? All right. I'm gonna try not to say it.

[C]

This whole podcast.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I say a lot. Yeah, I do say it a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no,

[C]

no.

[A]

But when you were in Boston, was it in the late 90s?

[C]

No, it was. I was here in LA. Late 90s, so I was in Boston from 80. Pretty much like the end of 83, 84 to. When did I move here? 93.

[A]

93.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But were you doing comedy in Boston?

[C]

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you. Fitzsimmons, was he doing it then?

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Did you know Lauren Dombrowski?

[C]

Oh, he took a. Yeah. Off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That's good.

[A]

I'm learning.

[C]

I'm learning.

[A]

I'm growing.

[C]

Progress.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, man. Make this.

[A]

By the way, you're the first person that's ever called this out. I think you're the first person.

[C]

This could be a shot where we got. Yeah, everybody has to do a shot.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

We'd be dead.

[A]

Did you know Lauren Dombroski?

[C]

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. A dear, dear friend.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

[C]

Yeah. Lauren and I go, wait. Lauren is. Was really one of the. If you draw a line back to, you know, in the sense of, like, well, my mother and father fucked and had me. Like, what I. How I'm where I am. Lauren was good friends with Steven Wright.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Who. And I had this thing called Cross Comedy. The sketch group that. It wasn't just a sketch group. We would do Takeover kind of open mic nights. That was our thing. And we would have fake characters as comics, you know, and we would. So that the audience didn't know, we would sort of take over the show. An open mic night with, like, I'd host and then where somebody else would host and I'd come up as a fake comic and we had plants in the audience, and we would just start. It would just go and turn into a sketch show with videotape stuff and all this. Lauren was part of that. And Lauren introduced, said, told Stephen, you got to come down at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge, check this guy out. And Stephen came down and I was like, what the. This is cool. And. And then I talked to him briefly afterwards, and he was really complimentary. And then he told his manager, Tim Sarkis, who only managed, like, three people, I think at the time it was out of New York. To come up from New York. Check me out. Tim did and said, I want to manage you. And. And then he was my manager for a long, long, long, long, long time. And then went to Brillstein Gray.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Or Brillstein now, but. And then. So this whole. And I came out to LA via Tim getting me, you know, Ben Stiller then. And then, you know, hanging out with Bob and helping to get Mr. Show going. So Lauren was very directly. And. And the most awesome person.

[A]

She's the awesome. I still. I saw, you know, she has a twin. Lane Lynn.

[C]

Yeah, Yeah, I know.

[A]

Yeah. You know, Linda Browski. Yeah, yeah. And a couple years ago, I was in Boston. She came to see my show. You know, I mean, but Lauren was. I was on a show, Mad tv.

[C]

We should say Lauren passed. She passed. Do you know what her last words were? No. Oh, my God. There was a. There was. We had, like, a comedy podcast.

[A]

It's getting so sad. Why are we opening with SA Funny.

[C]

It better be funny.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Okay, so her. So we had this memorial after she died, you know, and her last words, Bush was. George Bush was on the tv. HW or no. W. Okay.

[A]

W. Regular.

[C]

Regular. Thanks for the clarification. Stan's. H. Just regular. W. All right, everyone, what just happened? Can you please explain the Jews?

[A]

No, no, no. Is. Is it on now?

[C]

Everything's.

[A]

Everything's recording. Everything's good.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. I don't even know what the. We were talking about.

[C]

It was about you not getting pass. And then.

[A]

Oh, yeah. About Ghost of Mitzy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

But to explain, there's, like, a rolling brownout, which happens all the time in la. Power, like, dims down, goes dips out. And then these guys who live here freaking out. What happened? Oh, my God.

[A]

Wait, I thought this neighborhood was too rich for that. I thought it was just like my neighborhood.

[C]

Yeah, it would. It would have been. It would have been great if I just left. And then he came back. Like, what happened? Where'd Cross go? It ate Cross.

[A]

Wow. Wow. All right, so we're. So we're back. We're back. And there was a brown out. That was kind of spooky. What is that? What is that? What is that?

[C]

More noises. What did David Cross bring into this room? Dude, a bad episode of Paranormal. Oh, my God. What was that?

[A]

Get the meter out.

[C]

Sage.

[B]

Sage.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Get a couple. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going.

[C]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Have you ever seen the. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I love them.

[C]

Yeah, they're great.

[A]

I love that whole.

[C]

How could you. I just gave you the opportunity to say that. Because I love them. Missed it completely because then we could have done, like, a Who's on First?

[A]

We could have not done a bit. Well, I never took improv class. I'm not a Groundlings guy.

[C]

I never took improv class.

[A]

You never took improv UCB or anything like that?

[C]

Nope.

[A]

Yeah, just straight stand up.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, wow. I mean, I did sketches, you know, I. As a. The.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I grew up in Boston.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Mr. Show and Stuff.

[A]

Yeah. I love the. I love the. I love the. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. All right, let me set him up again. Hold on. I don't want it. Okay. I don't want it. Are you missing the opportunity? I don't care. This is your podcast. You could cut this. I don't want to cut? Oh, I wanted to show the audience.

[C]

You know what I just realized?

[A]

What? You want to go home?

[C]

Eventually, yeah. But now I think this is a great opportunity to tell everybody that my latest special, End of the Beginning of the end, is available now, early access on my website, officialdavidcross.com but in about a month it goes to the 800 pound gorilla. Distribution.

[A]

Distribution.

[C]

YouTube.

[A]

So. So where can they see it right now? Official davidcross.com davidcross.com Official davidcross.com Watch the special.

[C]

The end of the beginning of the end.

[A]

The end in the beginning of the end. The end of the end of the beginning of the end of the end.

[C]

You're just reading. Say it all together.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Can I read it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

David Cross. The end of the beginning of the end. Watch now.

[C]

Yeah, watch my new logo up there. What do you think?

[A]

I like it.

[C]

Brand new. Brand.

[A]

Love it. Oh, I love it. We love that. Yeah, yeah. You decided to go no hat.

[B]

Yeah, I want that on a beer koozie.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that would be cool too. That looks good.

[B]

Or like on my thong. Okay.

[A]

Or maybe a tattoo across the chest.

[C]

Hip.

[B]

On my hip.

[A]

Oh, for the gays. A jock strap. Oh, for the. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, man.

[A]

Yeah. And the faces where the. The faces where the penises. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

And depending on how well hung you are, the beard grows longer.

[A]

Oh, it adjusts.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, the beard stays for us.

[C]

There you go. Hat. No hat. Either way. Circumcised. Yep. I.

[A]

Shopify.

[C]

Shopify. Shopify.

[A]

Shopify.

[C]

Shopify.

[A]

Here at Tiger Burley, we use Shopify because we have a commerce, e commerce business. We sell T shirts online, man. And Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Allbirds or Skims. Skims or Tiger Belly. Tiger Belly. Two brands. Just getting started. Get started with your own design studio. With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style. Oh.

[B]

Accelerate your efficiency whether you're uploading new products or trying to improve existing ones. Runs Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools that write product descriptions, paid page headlines, and even enhance your product photography. What if people haven't heard about my brand?

[A]

That's a very good question, Catherine. Shopify helps you find customers with easy to run email and social media campaigns.

[B]

But what if I get.

[A]

Oh, I'll tell you another thing. Okay, Catherine. Shopify is always around to share advice with their award winning 247 customer support.

[C]

And did I mention that iconic purple shop pay button?

[A]

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Join the loyalty program for [e-mail] belly that's J-O-I N B I L T.com belly make sure you use our URL so they know we sent you. I. So my, my daughter's school, they, they do a. They have swim lessons. There's a big massive sports complex and take a bus there and the kids go and, and I volunteer occasionally to help the kids this third grade, you know, make them shut the fuck up and get dressed. We gotta go and you know, for either four swing or out of it. And all these kids are there and there's like 10, 1112 boys. And. And this guy comes in swimming and it's, you know, it's got a couple lanes that are open to the public and whatever. And he's got a jock like banana hammock. Yeah. Not even a Speedo. No. This is like Brazilian. Okay. We love it. And he's got like leather. I mean, this guy was like a very. Such an LA type of. This is New York. But like, like that frazzled, dyed blonde, long hair, like rocker from the 90s.

[A]

Like a Targaryen.

[C]

What's that?

[B]

Like Tarzan but plays guitar.

[A]

No. You know what a Targaryen is?

[C]

I clearly.

[A]

Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones.

[C]

Oh, I haven't seen.

[A]

They have all white hair. You know what I mean?

[C]

This guy was. But also like acne and like, I

[A]

think not Targaryen, because they didn't have acne.

[C]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

This is like, like a lot of meth, I'm guessing. And diluted kind of rock.

[A]

How old?

[C]

He said he probably. He's probably trying to look, you know, like he's in his 20s, but I got to guess, like mid-40s, late-40s. Right.

[A]

I.

[C]

And one of those guys. And, and, and just. I was so uncomfortable because he's just in this fucking weird gay, like, like 90s, like, like a different era. Hardcore. Gay. Hardcore. Yeah, yeah. With leather pants and. Yeah. And.

[A]

And you see why people are homophobic.

[C]

I wasn't scared of them.

[A]

It was just a taste.

[C]

It was, it was. It was just these, these kids, like these, you know, eight, nine year old boys, like just literally right next to them because all the, the lockers are like on top of each other and just. And at the time, like. Oh, God. Oh, please don't. Please don't. Please don't. Turn to your left. I don't know why we got on that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, the jocks. Yeah.

[A]

The Jackster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many kids do you have?

[C]

One.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Well, how old?

[A]

Wow. Wait, wait, let me ask you something.

[C]

Let me ask you something.

[A]

Hold on though.

[C]

Hold on.

[A]

Why you don't. What?

[B]

No. He's gonna ask you something.

[A]

No, but I'm the host.

[C]

You're the host?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ask me something.

[C]

Why wow?

[A]

Why wow?

[C]

What about that information? When you sit, are you not used to having a conversation?

[A]

Usually people just let it go. Right. Usually people just let it go.

[C]

Not David Cross.

[A]

But not David Cross.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Why? Wow. So let's analyze it.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. So you had told a story.

[C]

Yeah. Right. Yeah.

[A]

And the last thing you said was, please don't turn around. Please don't turn around route. And I was processing it.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[A]

And I thought, wow. I

[C]

think I see where this goes. Making this up as you.

[A]

No, I'm not making it up. I'm a slow talker.

[C]

That's absolutely not true. You are a rapid talker. You talk so rapidly.

[A]

Yeah, but when I'm being thoughtful and mindful. You know what I mean? And when I'm processing, I'm a slow talker. Okay, okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was analyzing the situation and the story.

[C]

Right.

[A]

And I found it to be intriguing, and I said, wow.

[C]

No, you asked me.

[A]

That's not what happened.

[C]

That's not what happened.

[A]

Just give the whole step. There's a whole step. What's the step that I. You asked how many kids he has, and I said one, and I went, wow. I think. What can. Can I. Can I assert what happened? I think he asked a question and he was responding to the earlier thing. Like, he's one step behind you.

[C]

Right?

[A]

Like he's. His mouth is one step ahead, but his brain is one step behind. Hold on, hold on. So he's saying, wow. I got nervous. I got nervous.

[C]

Can I say this is the best day of my life?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I'm enjoying this.

[A]

Now I know why. Now I know why I said, wow. Okay, okay. And the reason why is because it's like, you know, whenever I hear a comic have children, I say, say, wow. Because I don't have any children.

[C]

Yeah, well, specifically about how many? You asked me how many.

[B]

Oh, that's true.

[A]

You can't.

[C]

It wasn't just. Do you have a kid? Yeah. Oh, wow. I get that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You.

[C]

It'll be like, you have a kid. Yeah, but it was like, how many?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow. Wait, it's actually. Yeah. This makes no sense.

[A]

It felt judgmental. It doesn't make any sense. It did feel judgmental. It made judgmental. Yeah, yeah. As if you expected him to have

[C]

a whole gaggle of children.

[A]

Yeah. You wanted him to be like, prosper children. Okay.

[C]

Just to be fair.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I. I wasn't, like, trying to poke at you. I was genuinely curious. Like, what about me having one kid is. Makes you go, wow.

[B]

He thought, that's all three.

[A]

Don't tell. No, no, no, don't tell. Wait, don't tell me what I was thinking.

[B]

I thought at least three.

[A]

I was thinking. Yeah, that's what.

[C]

Don't woman splain to him. Don't Midwestern white woman splain.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I thought that you had more than one. I think that's what it was.

[C]

And then when you learned that I didn't have more than one.

[A]

Yeah. I went, wow.

[C]

Wow. Well, there was a bit of inflection there. It was like, wow.

[A]

Yeah, there was a little bit of inflection there.

[C]

So what's the inflection? Where's that coming from?

[A]

Yeah, you know, I really don't. I really don't know. You know, let's get down to. Do you think it's okay that he only has one child?

[C]

There we go.

[A]

It would be okay if he had five or none. You don't care. Yeah, I don't care. One way or another.

[C]

Yeah, I think. I think you and I don't. We all do it. We all do it. I think you were just kind of lazily, mindlessly responding. We all do it. We all do it. Not like, oh, you know. We all go, oh, cool. You know? And then you're like, well, is that cool? And I had a tuna fish sandwich.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So don't do that. All right. I think you're right. I think you're absolutely right. I just said it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To move on.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. I said. I said it to move on.

[C]

It had the opposite effect.

[A]

It had the opposite effect. Yeah. And I apologize.

[C]

There's nothing to apologize for.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Zero. Apologize.

[A]

Yeah. One child. That feels nice.

[C]

Yeah. I have one. I have one daughter.

[A]

Did you ever think that you were gonna have any or. No, Like, I want.

[C]

Yeah, I wanted kids, like, early on. I wasn't ready until recently, but, yeah, I obviously, I always knew I wanted kids.

[B]

How old is your daughter?

[C]

Nine.

[B]

Nine.

[A]

Oh, wow. What happened? What happened?

[C]

He said, oh, wow. What do you mean? What does that mean?

[A]

Is that bad? Is nine bad?

[C]

Yeah. Is it bad?

[A]

I just need to know if 9 is good or bad. I need to know which side I'm on.

[C]

I think he's just. It's, like, programmed to him to say, I was looking over.

[A]

I need to know what's on.

[C]

I was looking over here. You were being sincere.

[A]

You leaned into the mic. Hold on,

[C]

dude.

[A]

You absolutely did a mic and said, wow. I just. For some reason, there's a couple of things. The. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the wows are things that are. Are things that I say, right, That I have to. It. Isn't it something that I say?

[C]

You know, it's like your confirmation of hearing something.

[A]

I think. Yeah.

[C]

It doesn't have any emotion.

[A]

There's no emotion to it. Right.

[C]

But him going, oh, wow.

[A]

Are there replacement words that I could use?

[C]

None. Zero. They don't exist in the English language.

[A]

There's no replacement for. Wow.

[C]

Of course there are.

[A]

Yeah. Stupendous.

[C]

Yeah, it's a little bit more specific.

[A]

Stupendous is. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I've never heard that.

[A]

Golly. Golly. Golly. Oh, boy.

[B]

Pulling these words from.

[A]

From the 50s. From the 40s.

[C]

50s.

[A]

The Korean War. What? During the Korean War. From the Korean War. Is that what you said? I mean, I guess the GIs. Oh, the GIs would say golly a lot.

[C]

Golly.

[A]

I just killed a Korean.

[C]

Golly. Golly.

[A]

Golly. I just slaughtered a village. Hey, some married the women and all right. Yeah, yeah. I'm sor. I don't like Golly.

[C]

Sounds like watching a slur for some. Like a slur. They would come up in the war for some Golly. Race.

[A]

Golly is a slur.

[C]

A bunch of. Golly. I was out there, man. I. I can't. I go down to Home Depot. I get there and there's just a bunch of goddamn gollies running around.

[A]

Ah, I see.

[C]

Trying to. Trying to clean my windshield and whatnot.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You're a Mexican.

[C]

No, no, no. This is a different Home Depot.

[A]

Different. Yeah.

[C]

It's in Alaska. It's in Juneau. Right. Gol.

[A]

Yeah. The Golly community, they're like mong. Yeah. You ever mean a mong? Where is that? Who are you? Yeah, who are you? Yeah, they're big too. Yeah. Yeah. Big heads.

[C]

Big mons. That'd be golly. That'd be. Let's. Can we try it?

[A]

What?

[C]

What can this show? We can apply the word golly to mongs.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

It's not necessarily a bad thing.

[A]

It's just a swing. Yeah. What's among. That's the most offensive thing I've ever heard. That's the most offensive thing I've ever heard. Craziest thing I ever.

[C]

It's crazy. You said.

[A]

That's so racist. You're going to be cancelled for that.

[B]

I don't know what it is.

[A]

No, it's. It's a very little known Asian. Yeah. It's not even a country anymore.

[C]

Community.

[A]

A group of people. Expat, community, culture.

[C]

They're.

[A]

They're driven up.

[C]

Clint Eastwood movie Off my lawn.

[B]

He said bad. Is it a. I'm not going to say that. The one.

[C]

No, no. Mong is the name of the people.

[A]

H M O N G. So when you see it, it's a silent age. Yeah. It's not homong. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Homo.

[A]

No.

[C]

Homo.

[A]

No. Homo. No. What are you doing? Is that your Midwestern comedy coming out?

[C]

The Altadena comedy?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. You went from HMO1G to homo.

[C]

Wait, where's Altadena? Is that.

[B]

It's God now.

[A]

It's in heaven. Yeah. Altini is in heaven now.

[C]

Oh, that's how we know it from the fire. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, okay. Sorry. I didn't mean that.

[A]

Where is ltd?

[C]

Wow, that's terrible.

[A]

Is it north from here or south?

[C]

North.

[B]

North.

[A]

North.

[C]

It's by. It's like Pasadena.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Right at Glendale.

[A]

Above Pasadena.

[B]

The dirty de.

[A]

How long did it take you to do. Get. Get an hour. I just shot my special a month ago. I'd never done one before.

[C]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

How was it?

[A]

It was fine.

[C]

Like the Experience.

[A]

The experience was great.

[C]

Where'd you shoot it?

[A]

In San Diego, and it was a really great experience, but I'm a really lazy writer and it took me 30 years to come up with it. Now, I'm not kidding you. It was like. It was like. It was like the best of 30. The 30 years of me doing comedy because no one had ever asked me to do a special.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Right. So I was just like, I'll just keep doing stand up.

[C]

Right.

[A]

And then finally, you know, a company went, you know, I mean, would you like to do one? And I said, yeah. You know what I mean? So. And now when it comes out in November, I have to start over, which I've never started over November.

[C]

Why? So I don't.

[A]

I don't know why, but. Yeah, but I am. Yeah. Thanks. Well, Hulu, you know, they're. Yeah, yeah. Scheduling thing, and they only put out one a month, and I think Glazier has one. And a couple people have had.

[C]

What's the name of it?

[A]

It's called Finally. Because I've never done one before. Yeah. And how long does it take you to create an hour, do you think?

[C]

I mean, the. So what I do is. And I just started, literally have done two shows in this process, and I've done it for the last four tours. Four specials. Four tours. So I do this thing starting in Brooklyn, where I live, called shooting the shit, Seeing what sticks. And I go, do you know Union hall in. In Brooklyn? Anybody? Okay, so you guys, we'll be vocal about it. They can't tell at home that you're not that way. Oh, wow.

[A]

Can you see the line again? See the line again?

[C]

So I do. So I go to union hall in Brooklyn.

[A]

Oh, union hall.

[B]

I fucking love that place.

[A]

Great.

[C]

It's great. And it's small 99 seat in a basement. And I do. Like.

[A]

They can't add a seat. Just for roundness.

[C]

They stop at 99.

[A]

One seat.

[C]

It's probably, I'm going to guess, a tax thing.

[A]

It's a tax thing.

[C]

I'm guessing, but that's a very good question.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one seat in the back. I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

No, it can't have three numbers. Two numbers. That's it.

[A]

Oh, that's it. Look, look. Look at it. That's the. That's the room.

[C]

Yeah. Great, great.

[A]

Is it advertised, David Cross, or is

[C]

it just like they always have shows down there? Okay, so there's an upstairs bar. That's upstairs bar. And then they have this thing. It's been there for, I don't know, 10 years now.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Longer. And it's great. It's great for what? And I'm sure you know, literally dozens, if not a hundred people who've done shows there.

[A]

Oh, I see.

[C]

And it's. So I go there and I do. And I. And I think, like yourself, I can't write. I can't sit down and write. I don't. It just doesn't work that way. Yeah, all my stuff comes from on stage. So I go up with notes and I record every set and I go, you know, let's try this. Is this funny? This thing happened. That's fucked up. Yeah, you know, whatever. And you just sort of build and you have ideas. Definitely. Like, I want to talk about this. And then the first two shows always are tough, you know, but then slowly

[A]

but surely, because I want to know as a comic when it's because I have a problem with silence.

[C]

Oh, I don't at all. And I. I've said, okay, good. To people that I really admire. I think I said this to Steve, too. Like, good comics. I like, do not.

[A]

Stephen Wright.

[C]

Steve Fury.

[A]

Oh, Steve Fury.

[C]

Sorry.

[A]

Okay, sorry.

[C]

No, I wouldn't tell Steve. Hey, hey.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Let me give you a little tip.

[A]

Stephen Wright, Mort, Saul, come over here.

[C]

No, I think it's a real issue. I see it with a lot of comics and they're, as you said, afraid of silence. And you should embrace the silence. You should use it. It's a tool. Use it. Do not be afraid of silence. Now, I'm obviously not 10 second gaps, but yeah, yeah. Silence is your friend. Don't embrace it.

[A]

Yeah. You and I are the same in that way. Yeah. We don't like it. We don't like it. Yeah. We want to kill.

[C]

Understand? You can kill With. With sight, kill with silence. You can.

[A]

I did not know that.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

You know. Do you know Stuart Lee?

[A]

No.

[C]

British comedian, genius.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

He's very soft spoken. He uses silence, you know, to get attention to. Not attention, but focus and make his. The punch lines have even more gravity. And. And I've certainly used Stan silence to, you know, make you anticipate in a way that you wouldn't if I didn't take a two seconds and it. And I'm telling you, I've seen so many really good comics just plow through that stuff, and I can tell they're afraid of silence. Do not not be afraid of silence.

[A]

Yeah. I wish you. I wish I talked to you before I filmed my YouTube special because I saw. I edited it myself and I saw how much I do that and I hated it.

[C]

Okay. So lesson learned, you know?

[A]

What do you mean? What did you hate about it? I hate it that I didn't just let it breathe.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I like what we talked about. Like, I want to, like, get in there and, like, get the quantity of laughs so bad that I don't care about the quality of the laugh. Yeah, right. Because so I'm getting four small laughs, whereas, like, if I waited, I would have gotten one huge laugh. Yeah. And I wish I knew that before I filmed myself.

[C]

Well, you've got all this time to. To, you know, live and learn and. And this is it for him. Dude.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Are you done? Oh, you're not allowed to.

[A]

You said no more. They say you can do it, but don't ever post anything. I see.

[C]

Yeah, but I mean, we're trained. We're like. I see people trained that way. Like, it's like, you got to go out there, especially club comics too. You got to go out there, you got to nail, you know, them. It's. And as you said it perfectly, it's quantity over quality.

[A]

It's exactly that. Yeah. And I think I. I don't have the. I am now getting the comp. Ten years in the confidence to be

[C]

like, maybe, you know, just own it. Own that stage. That's your stage. That's your time.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You're telling them, you're talking to them, you know, and everybody's on. Why can't we do that?

[A]

Is it like an Asian thing? I think it has to do with trauma. I think it is trauma, too. I think there's trauma because I'm like, trying to. Every time I go on stage, it's life or death. It's not just life. Or death. I want them to like me so mad, but much. Me too. Yeah. That's what I mean about. I think I'm going to die if you don't. They need it. The neediness of their affirmation is what I crave. It's like an addict, right? It's like an addict. Yeah. Right. How I feel.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think this, this is another good point that you made is I think there is a difference between club comedy. Right. And other sorts of like people that are doing other kind of venues like Largo or Whatnot Theater or there or here. Right. When you're following, you know, I mean, like in situations that I'm in, you know, I mean, like, you know, the

[C]

lineups are so stacked and the audience is trained, the audience is trained to go like, I don't want to, you know, especially if everybody is doing, has the same approach. They're like, what? Why is this guy, he hasn't said anything for two seconds. What is this guy doing?

[A]

No one's thinking that. Yes. No one's thinking that. I don't, I don't. But we have to get. I forget that. I forget. Yeah.

[B]

I forget that they might be thinking that because I think that the, our attention spans are so quick now that it's like, oh, this is, this has

[C]

been a thing for a while, I think.

[B]

You think so?

[C]

Yeah, it's just, it's a, it's an approach to, to stand up. And I think it, yeah, you, you're both right. It comes from this place, especially when you're starting out and you know, it takes years to really start finding your voice and feeling and getting it and it's, you know, intuitive and innate and it takes a while. And there's, there's that, that like, I gotta get laughs. I gotta. Or I'm not gonna move forward in my career. You know, I, I need time and I gotta, so, you know, but, but you guys have all seen it. Some different, like open mic nights when you travel and stuff and you've been on the road and then that happens. And then there's a guy like Stephen Wright, perfect example, gets up. I mean, that guy. Talk about silence.

[A]

Silence.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. You know, and there are lots of comics like that and it, it works. But I know why, I know where it comes from. I, I, I understand it. I'm just saying as, as a old legendary stage of stand up comedy, you know, it's, it's the number one thing I say to people when I see them doing that, because I, like, you are what is that? That's you. No. Who's on the left? Isn't that you? No.

[A]

That's not you on the left.

[C]

People haven't listened to you. Cool.

[A]

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[A]

[e-mail] Minoxidil and Finasteride. Dude, what are you doing? What?

[C]

I've never worn a tie.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's this?

[C]

Oh, that is.

[A]

That's a golly.

[B]

That's a golly for sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That is the. After the bents. Oh, this is actually a good story. Is that you right there?

[A]

Wait, wait.

[C]

Yeah, that's me in the robe.

[A]

In the robe, Yep. Wow. There you are. There you go.

[C]

Wow, that's gotta. What is that? 93, 94.

[B]

I like your.

[C]

Your.

[B]

What is that? That part of the soul patch? Soul patch. I like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Believe it.

[A]

Do you have any. A Greek in you?

[C]

No.

[A]

Mediterranean?

[C]

No, because of my skin color.

[A]

You look really tan.

[C]

It's all. Yeah, it's all very all I have. And thankfully my daughter got my skin and my. My wife is like alabaster, you know, but burns and doesn't tan.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

And like, she would have been super hot in the 1800s.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But I. Yeah, I've got like, you know, I mean, this is. This.

[A]

Whoa. That's a good tan.

[C]

It's not a tan I've been in.

[A]

That's your regular?

[C]

Yeah, it's regular. Oh, I get super tan. I get dark, dark, dark. Wow. I get dark. Where I could pass.

[B]

Where do you hail?

[A]

As what? Rob Schneider. He could pass as Rob Schneider. Filipina.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

David Half Filipino.

[C]

David Cross. Boss is half Filipino.

[A]

No, but if he gets tan, he can cross. Yeah. Passes is Rob Schneider. Yeah, without the politics. Different politics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

[C]

That was my head shot. I needed to. I was living in LA. That's probably 86. I was here for a summer.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

And I wanted to get. Tried to get standup work. And I. They were like, you have to have a head shot. And I had no headshots and I had no money. So I went to the Sears down on Santa Monica, and I don't know if it's still there. It's probably gone. It was like fourth in Santa Monica somewhere like that. And they had this thing where you could. For baby pictures, you know, for like $18, you can get 8 by 10 and some wallet size. So I. I took a little bit of money and I went down to the. That. Because that was the picture I could afford. And I. And that was my headsh.

[A]

Pull up the one that I. Mine from the La Jolla. Yeah, that's. That's the same thing. That's the same thing for me. You know what's so funny? What? I didn't go to Sears But I remember like my like Olin Mills. Yeah. There was like this mall and they had this like photography studio. And it was, you know, I had like 40 bucks back then in the 90s, I was it.

[C]

40 bucks is what it cost.

[A]

Yeah, 40 bucks. Yeah. I mean, and I, And I got it.

[C]

Yeah, that's a good job. My thing was, was, was. It was nothing. It was like, you know, baby photos. So it was like very cheap, bro. Headshots now are like 5, 400 bucks.

[A]

I feel like the Gen Z boys are doing this hair now. This kind of like poofy mullety thing.

[C]

You look so young. I mean, you really do.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah. I was 23 years old there. Wow. I'm 54. That was a long, long time ago. Damn.

[C]

How would you. How old were you here?

[B]

Are you holding a teddy bear?

[C]

Yeah, I'm in a kid, you know, they have a little kids background. I'm probably 22.

[A]

22. Wow.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And did you think at that time, because you're struggling, right. That everything was going to work out or.

[C]

Yes and no. I mean, I didn't have any, like,

[A]

like,

[C]

I didn't think like, oh, it'll. Any day now it's gonna happen. And I had years, I mean, a decade plus where I was just. But I was also fuck up and I was drinking heavily, taking drugs and just not. I had no responsibilities except to myself. And I grew up poor, so it was like, okay, I'll sleep on the couch and eat, eat, you know, you know, beans out of a can. I. It's not. I don't want to do that, but I, I can do it.

[A]

Yeah, that. Yeah.

[C]

You know, and, and I, I had fun. It was frustrating and it sucks having no money sometimes, but I laughed a lot and I had a lot of fun. And I would, you know, hang out with my friends and do stand up and then go see bands that were friends of mine. And that was my life for a while. So it was.

[A]

What bands?

[C]

The. Yeah, yeah. This is pre. Yeah, yeah. But I, I had the feeling like, okay, I'm. I was never one of those people who's like, I'm going to give it three years and if it doesn't work, I'm going to go back to, you know, doing data processing or whatever. I was, I was just going, I was in it. I was just going to do it. But I understood early. Like, a lot of it is luck, you know, And I thought. I do.

[A]

Do you believe that?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[C]

I mean, yes, I know. Really, really. Not, not to absolve people or myself of irresponsibility. And why, you know, could things have been better? Sure. Could things have been worse? Sure. And some of that was up, you know, up to me. But the luck is I know some really unlucky people, and they're very talented.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, and. And I think I've been lucky.

[A]

Yeah. But I know some people that.

[C]

And you clearly have been lucky.

[A]

I know. I. No. Whoa. Yeah. I think. Wow. Yeah. That was a slam.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I want to see if it hurt. It doesn't hurt that bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

It's a joke, guys.

[A]

But.

[C]

But sometimes we have.

[A]

Of water. Yeah, I'll have a set. Yeah. But I believe, though, sometimes you.

[C]

That's good water.

[A]

Yeah. But sometimes you see somebody with a lot of talents and, you know, why it didn't work out through, you know, I mean, choices like drug abuse, personality. And there are certain factors that go into it.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

You know, laziness or whatever it might be. Fear. I'm not gonna. I'm not. I never get.

[C]

Those are all legit.

[A]

Those are all legit reasons, you know, I mean, I'm not gonna read because I never get it anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was that. I had that time.

[C]

And there's. There's a bit of the. You know, what's the phrase when you're sabotaging yourself? The fear. Fear of success.

[A]

Your success.

[C]

I think that I've known people who, I think, unfortunately had an idea of, like, you know, that's. I don't want to be a sellout or I want to do that thing. There's a classic story of a comic who was quite popular in Boston at the time, in the 80s when the whole scene was booming, and he was, you know, a mainstay, legit guy, and he. This is the story. At least he got an offer, or they wanted him for the Tom Hanks character in Bosom Buddies.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

And he wouldn't do it because he didn't want to dress like a girl. And, you know, there's. Boston has that, you know, culture there, unfortunately. And there it is.

[A]

There it is.

[B]

And that looks like your headshot a little.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Bobby, look at you.

[A]

Well, the guys from Sears did that. He moved up. He moved up.

[C]

But Cat, you know, Cat. What?

[A]

Special guest.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

I'm so sorry.

[C]

But he wouldn't do. And that's. That's a thing that, you know, because you thought people were going to make fun of you. He didn't do this thing that, you know, it's just crazy.

[A]

Yeah. People are calling it a humiliation ritual now. Well, what that, like, Cat Williams talks about it, like, how, like, black men are always getting to a point where they're like, okay, Hollywood has to put you in a dress and that becomes like a thing, a ritual to. To, like, get success in Hollywood. What do you. Is that, like a thing? That's just kind of like. I don't think that's a thing.

[C]

I don't. Yeah, I mean, I think that there are some things where you're. Are. I guess black actors, they're probably a handful that. Where they have dresses that aren't. Tyler Perry, you know, he's putting himself in that position.

[A]

Please let me play Medea. He wrote that and produced and directed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wrote himself into that situation. He's like, okay, Hollywood, I'll do it.

[C]

All right. Where's. Where's my billion dollars, entire industry? Yeah. I mean, that might be a thing for a hint, but I mean, how many. I mean, you've seen TV shows and movies. How many black actors are cross dressing? I mean, how many?

[B]

Joanna, man.

[C]

Okay, that's going. That's what, 20 years old?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So there's one example.

[A]

I mean, Ryan's Brothers, when I did Mad tv, they're like, you're playing Connie Chung. You're playing this Lucy Liu. You're playing that. I don't care. Well, men dressing up as women is just like a comedy thing. That's been so long.

[C]

Monty Python.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Come on, kids in the hall.

[A]

Yeah. And then after that, that guy probably didn't get any more offers. Is that what happened?

[C]

Probably not. Yeah. I don't know. This is a story that I, you know, was like legend there.

[A]

That's me and Keegan.

[C]

Connie Chung, right?

[A]

Yeah, And Keegan.

[C]

Why is she interviewing Barack naked?

[A]

Yeah, there's Barack. Wait, was it Christmas episode? I don't even remember that. Same body, though. Look at scallop. Scallop shape. Same body. Yeah.

[B]

I've never seen you look so happy in your life.

[C]

You look hot.

[A]

Yeah, I was pretty hot. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

[C]

We'll take. We'll take it off.

[A]

Please take it off because I. I think I have to shoot more oic or something. Shoot more o. Because that just. That's not good. That's not a good body. Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Wasn't that bad.

[A]

Yeah, it's not that. It's not bad. That. Yeah. You. You've lost weight. Did I. A little bit, yeah.

[C]

Oh, thanks.

[A]

You've never said that.

[C]

Are you on Ozempic?

[A]

No.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Have you lost weight? I have, yeah. Yeah. I've been working out. I have to take my clothes off in a movie. Oh, that will motivate you. Okay. Yeah. And I, I'm scared. Yeah. What? I play like a gay best friend, so I'm like, oh, I see. Yeah. And when is, when do you shoot? 23rd of this month. Yeah. Yeah. It's a very low budget. You won't even hear about it. It's a school negative. It's an AFI student project.

[C]

It's a PSA that's only gonna.

[A]

No. It's so cringe. It's so cringe. I'm shooting a movie, but I am shooting something and I have to be naked so I feel.

[B]

Full wiener.

[A]

No.

[C]

Full wiener.

[A]

No. Thank God. But like in a Brazilian.

[B]

A banana hammock.

[C]

That's comedy.

[A]

That's comedy. Especially when you have, you know, children.

[C]

It's pure.

[A]

Do you have lines?

[C]

Oh, Bobby,

[A]

dude, you.

[C]

No, I don't. You know, I don't.

[A]

You don't have any lines?

[C]

You know, I don't.

[A]

Oh, you just going to lay in a bed? No, I'm taking my shirt off. I know. Dancing around. Yeah, yeah, but you have no lines.

[C]

You have no lines. It's an industrial.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

I don't Comcast for Comcast.

[A]

Fine. I might be able to improvise. Who? I don't. Yeah, I looked up the director and her work feels like it's improv.

[C]

It's an in house. It's an in house video for Kroger employee.

[A]

It's a vertical. Yeah, yeah. You know how you're gonna know the day you show up? They're gonna go, we're not gonna put a lav on you. Yeah. I'm like, are you sure you don't. They don't want it. There's no, there's no, they're like, no, go ahead. We won't pick. So you're just getting naked for a movie? Well, sorry, some of us have to work for, for less. Okay. I, I, I'm not, I'm not fighting with you about, you know, I, I'm embarrassed. Yeah, it's hard out there. I feel. Yeah. It's not the same like when we grew up, you know, there was a lot of projects. We auditioned and all. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My nipples. I'm, I'm, I'm self conscious about my nipples.

[B]

Don't be.

[A]

What am I getting paid? Is there is. I don't want to tell you that.

[C]

We'll bleep.

[A]

It out. It's so sad. It is. Well, yeah. We'll bleep it out. We'll bleep it out free. It will bleep it out.

[C]

It's free, isn't it?

[B]

Free.

[A]

I'm getting paid.

[C]

Oh, that's not.

[B]

Oh, that's really good.

[A]

That's bad.

[B]

That's good.

[C]

But I mean, if it's like a.

[B]

It's.

[C]

It's just one scene and you guys, he's like, it's a one week. Why in Montana?

[A]

This feels worse and worse. You have no lines. It's just one scene. Not bad. Yeah, it's sag. Yeah, yeah, it's sag. Oh, that's good. That's good. It's sag. It's sag. It's sag.

[C]

Wrong. You.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, wrong. Are they going to Taft Hartley you?

[C]

Oh, I remember Taft Hartley.

[A]

I must join. Yeah, yeah. I must join. You must join the youth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. Most of this check is going to Uniond. Did you read for it? Yeah.

[C]

Did you?

[A]

What was that audition? I danced for it. I danced for it. Okay. And yes, it was on Zoom. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

[C]

Do you guys remember early, like, projects like this? Like, where you're kind of like, oh, shoot, I can't believe I'm doing this right now. Not that you're saying that you can't believe you're not doing this.

[A]

Wow, I'm getting dragged at this point.

[C]

I think I had more self esteem back then.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. That's why he holds through his silences. Yeah. This is a. This is an actor that pushes through his punchline. Yeah, but in the beginning, if they were like, okay, it's a Scorsese movie, right. And Dinero's playing a gay guy and you're, you know. And it's a scene with him.

[C]

Suck his dick.

[A]

Yeah, sure. Yeah. You're like, it's not in the script, but yeah, I could see myself in that situation going, no lines. Oh, my short. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scorsese movie. Yeah, I'll do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Is this the Scorsese.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, it's an indie. It's indeed an. It's an indie. And you know. Right. There's a script.

[C]

You looked up the director's work and

[A]

they seem amenable to improv.

[C]

So. So I don't know.

[A]

Okay, can you google. Let's just see what her work is like here.

[C]

We're breaking down auditions.

[B]

It sounds like a real estate.

[A]

Yeah, she's a real Estate agent from Compass. Yeah. That, by the way, is a callback to his special for the Deep fans.

[C]

Oh, my God. God, that's right.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, my Lord. That's really good. I didn't even catch that. So clip that. Oh, I didn't even catch that. Peter Redemption. That was a real. I mean, that was legit. Everything I do in the. In all my specials are really happened. But it sounds like it. Yeah, it was. That was like. That inspired me to write back to those. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Do you make up stories ever?

[C]

No.

[A]

Ever?

[C]

Never.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

I mean. Well, the opposite. I should say that. I do. I make things up. No, this is my hang up. It's my thing. And I admit that it's a weird thing, but I don't like people who even exaggerate. And I will call you on an exaggeration. My wife. I'm telling you, it's annoying. I know it. I know it. I got. I think it's all psychological because of my dad.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Who was just a pathological liar and.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And. And I can't. I don't. I don't when, like, my wife or any friends, too, or be like, telling a story that I was a part of and they're like, whatever the thing is. Like, oh, man, it's. It was like five miles away. Or it was. And it was like, literally, it was 99 degrees or whatever. The thing is, I'll be like, it wasn't five miles away. It was like two and a half miles.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

You know, like that kind of thing. Or I'll go, it wasn't 99 degrees. Details matter to you. I just.

[A]

My partner's exactly.

[C]

Like, I have a I'm exactly issue. And my. And I understand why people are annoyed at it. I do. I get it. Like, who cares, really? But for some reason, I just can't let it go. And like, that's not true.

[A]

You like to be exact.

[C]

I just don't.

[A]

I don't.

[C]

Not exact. I just don't. I don't know why you're exaggerating. The story is fine without you adding.

[A]

Yeah, but if somebody says, oh, I saw Lord of the Rings, it's a thousand hours long.

[C]

I mean, David's like, bobby,

[A]

two hours.

[C]

I'm not that guy.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I'm not that guy. I'm talking about when you're telling a story that I'm supposed to empathize with or sympathize with or. It's. It's like you're being dramatic about this thing. And I know the story. And it was a crazy thing that happened. But you're. There is literally no need to embellish. Embellish like that and, or exaggerate like if it was. Yes, it's hot. It was hot. It was not 99 degrees. And you don't need. You're not going to gain any more sympathy or does it feel manipulative? I just don't understand why people do it. And I don't. And I just don't get it. And it bothers me. It's a pet peeve. And I get why people are irritated.

[A]

But if a joke can become stronger by lying, why wouldn't you use it?

[C]

There are times I've exaggerated, but you know it. You're not ever questioning it. But this isn't like, like the Hassan Minaj thing. I don't make up.

[A]

Oh, that. Yes, yes.

[C]

And I don't bleep this up thing.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome.

[C]

Yeah. And I, The. But the stories that I tell, like, like the one about, you know, the major one in this last special. Every single word, every single thing happens, Happen.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

The. I have a, A, A story in a couple specials ago about walking down the street in the East Village and a guy saying, hi, Hitler. That I, I was like, what is he? Or Heil hi. I thought, hi, Hitler. So it's a whole bit where I'm, I'm walking down the street. It was late at night. It was. Remember UCB used to have that room there? And I was,

[A]

wow, wow, wow, great.

[C]

I was leaving there and I was walking back to the subway, and this guy is coming down on the opposite side of the street and he's by himself and he's like, yeah, you know, whatever. And he's dressed like a businessman. Right. He's not immediately visually creepy crazy. Right? Which there are plenty of those guys. And he's like, you know, it's. I'm like, you know, and I can't tell if he's on a phone and, or what's going on. He's got nothing. He's got like a. I think a computer in his hand or something. And he's going, yeah, it's. It's. Yeah, okay. Okay. Hi, Hitler. Hi, Hitler. And.

[A]

And I'm.

[C]

I'm listening and I kind of catch it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And. And I slow down and I'm like, I start following him where he can't see me, but I'm like. Because I was like, is he saying, hi, Hitler? And he's going on and he's like, yeah, okay, great. Yeah. Okay. Hi, Hitler. Hi, Hitler. And then. And then I do this whole bit about how. So one of two things happened. Either he doesn't realize that the phrase is heil him, or actually thinks he saw Hitler during this conversation. Anyway, it's a whole bit. But that is a real thing that happened.

[A]

That real thing. Okay.

[C]

That's an easy thing to make up. I thought of that in a different context and I've never done that ever.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

And if. If something's clearly made up, you know, it. You. It's. I just don't lie or it's a. I wish I did.

[A]

What are you thinking right now, Bobby? What am I thinking right now? Because just thinking about my special and how many made up lies and every

[C]

story on this podcast and every story

[A]

that I've ever told on this podcast. You know, I'm really doing a self reflection here, you know, because I. I feel like it has to be embellished or made up for people to be, you know, engaged in it. You know what I mean?

[C]

Well, I don't necessarily think that's true. I think there's another way to find the humor in the thing that, that, I mean, unless you're making something up out of whole cloth. No, it starts from truth. Like getting the truth molested by a guy with down syndrome.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh my God. Why do you have to make anything up?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Pieces that are embellished.

[A]

There are pieces that are embellished. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And is it embellished to allow us. Sorry to cut you off.

[C]

No, no, I want to hear for allow.

[A]

Sometimes I make things dumb down because, like, it's too traumatic. Like what we were talking about before with the chef stuff, like, so that I can set up for the audience better for this payoff to make it more like palatable. Palatable so they're not worrying about me. Yeah. When I'm telling like a crazy story like that. Yeah. No, for me it's like I'm. I think it goes back to the standup where it's like I'm just so needy.

[C]

Right.

[A]

That I just, just. I'm constantly aware that people are listening and I feel like I have to over perform or. You know what I mean, keep people engaged in a certain way. So I lie. I'm a liar. I'm a liar.

[C]

No nuance.

[A]

I'm a liar. I'm a liar. Yeah, yeah. And I'm a fraud,

[C]

ironically. I appreciate your honesty. A fraud.

[A]

I really am.

[C]

But Bobby, what about this? Because when you say that you have a bit about that's true about being molested by somebody with down syndrome that. I'm not trying to be funny. That feels like, oh, my God, there's so much material to mine there. Why? What happens? I don't know what you added. I don't know the bit. But that's not really.

[A]

In a bit that I don't. I just said it on the, on the pod. But it's like they're just. What was the question?

[C]

Well, I was just wondering why. Because it's so ripe for.

[A]

You can go any direction.

[C]

Any direction?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, why did you make up a lie when there's so.

[A]

Because there are gray areas that I don't know. Because in that particular situation, right. It. I remember bits and pieces of it.

[C]

It.

[A]

And I fill in the gray areas with make believe.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I think that's okay.

[C]

That's not as egregious as just.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And do we know, as an audience, do we know you're making the.

[A]

I think people listening don't know.

[C]

Right.

[A]

But sometimes I will fill in gray areas with things because.

[C]

Are you saying maybe or, you know. No, no, seriously, if. Because if you simply added like, you know, and, I don't know, maybe something and then did the, the. The. The lie, wouldn't that still everybody would be with you and it wouldn't feel like you're lying.

[A]

Yeah. Well, I'll give you an example of, of the. When I told the story, right? Like, for instance, I said that he wrote a Zamboni.

[C]

Yeah. He, he. He adds a lot of details where I leave it in. I don't care if it's a lie or not. Leave that in.

[A]

There was no Zamboni because it's white lies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't. He didn't. He wasn't a cleaner. He wasn't. You know what? A Zamboni. He just wrote it. You know what? A Zambonia. Yeah, it's an ice clean. Yeah. It's an ice cleaner. That was his, like, motivation.

[C]

I mean, if I heard that, I'd go, oh, he's. That's exactly.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. No, but he did.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

He did write a Zambon. Oh, no. Yeah, no, but. So here's the guy. I thought that was the lie. No, that wasn't the lie.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

No, no.

[C]

Now even more, why do you feel the need to lie? You've got a guy with down syndrome riding a Zamboni who's going to molest you and you gotta make something up.

[A]

Yes, yes. I think I do. Yeah.

[C]

The hat on.

[A]

A hat on it. Yeah. Yeah. I don't. So the lies are. This. Is that like. I remember there being like the. It was like a brown building where the Zamboni was. And during the summers he lived there. And it was. This is in Minnesota, so there's no snow or ice, obviously.

[C]

Right.

[A]

And during. So in my mind, I make believe that he's the one. I've said that he's the one. During the winters riding the Zamboni. Right. When he could have just been there sleeping during the summers. You know what I mean? Just kind of taking care of the grounds and whatnot. That's what I'm saying.

[C]

You're connecting.

[A]

I connect things and make assumptions that maybe that's not lying.

[C]

That's not not lying.

[A]

That's not lying.

[C]

I don't think so.

[A]

I'm not a fraud. I'm not a liar.

[C]

I think if you. That if you know something to not be true and say it's true and that kind of thing is like a little white lie.

[A]

But also white lies are fine.

[C]

Well, depending on the context. The context, I'd say, yeah, you. Yeah, you didn't go and, you know, hire a private eye to find out, hey, I'm doing this bit. Can you go down into. And see if he really does ride his amboni?

[A]

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[A]

de dos anhos and Tupac Plan. Yeah, fine. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

But I have done this, talking about people who. Or comics who are like, have a whole bit that is predicated on something that never happened. I was flying in this then this guy. People are so entitled to flying and this person sat down next to me and they said this thing, and then somebody took a shit in the bathroom. You know, whatever. The thing is, like, that's just. What are you doing?

[B]

Difficult to do that, though, to, like, come up with all those fake scenarios.

[C]

How do you keep up with, like,

[B]

how do you do that?

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I just, like, I've tried to lie, like, I once had a bit about how my cousin was a professional tap dancer from Oklahoma City College, but.

[A]

So unbelievable.

[B]

I know. And then I just tried to come up with all these, like, bits about it, but it was so hard to do you.

[A]

Yeah, but the.

[C]

You have a cousin who legitimately does that, and then you were trying to think of things.

[B]

No, he didn't. He's just gay. So just.

[A]

You have.

[C]

Even. Gay. You have so much to work with. Why don't make that up.

[A]

You guys don't have to bring more genius. Enough.

[C]

Just gay. No, he. So he's not a tap dancer at Oklahoma, whatever. Community college chose a gay profession. Gay. Let's go with that.

[A]

Yeah. Why can't you just go with that? You're like, they won't believe it.

[C]

Not in Oklahoma.

[B]

He also rides a Zambodi, the guy.

[C]

I don't. I don't know the bit, but I bet you.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

I bet you. And I would challenge you.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That you could tell the same story, get the same jokes, get the same laughs without making it seem like this thing happened. That didn't happen. Oh, I. I guarantee it.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, I.

[C]

Or I'll give you your money back.

[A]

Okay, I see what you're saying. It's just in, like, wording, like, maybe or. Yeah. I mean. Yeah. Hypothetically. Or.

[C]

No one's going to care.

[A]

No one's going to.

[C]

They will care if they find out you're making up all your shit, you know?

[A]

Will. Do they.

[C]

Yeah, I think. I think some people would.

[A]

Yeah. Some people will care.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

That's a good point. Right. Point.

[A]

Well, I feel like lying to gain sympathy for people, you know, I mean, is what. You know, I mean, the problem. Deceitful. Deceitful. You know, I mean, mean.

[C]

Or to. Yeah, to. To make your point and to, you know, thread this idea through your hour, you know, that. So that you come back around to that thing that I said earlier. Ten, you know, in the first 10 minutes. Like, now you're thinking of it in a different way, aren't you?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

And people, you know, and then you find out that that person made this whole story up and you're like, oh, fuck you

[A]

for the callback. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

To. To drive their point home. Caesar salad. Yeah, that's like, that was a comic, like, hamburger. But he said, caesar salad. Caesar salad.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Damn. Caesar salad.

[A]

You got to.

[C]

Don't lie to me, mass media. Don't lie to me, mass media. Caesar salad.

[A]

It's interesting because back when, when you started curly fries.

[C]

Curly sweet potato fries ate her.

[B]

He's just hungry.

[A]

Yeah, I get some. Because I, I. Back then, there was. I don't know, when you started, was there a thing where people were like, you got to get a hook?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

No, you never got that back in the Comedy Store days. They're like, you got to get a hook. Really? Did you try any hooks? Well, yeah. You wear different outfits. No, that. Yeah.

[C]

What did Mitzi make that one guy wear?

[A]

There's this old story about a guy named Jackie Graham, and he auditioned for Mitzi probably in the early 80s, and he gets off stage and she says, you're great. He's like, oh, thank you. He goes, your new name is Jackie Banana. No. He goes, okay. And you have to wear a yellow suit.

[C]

Oh, my.

[A]

So, you know, like, that kind of thing. Thing. Back then, I.

[C]

There were a couple different things where people gave me for not dressing nicer. Like, I would wear this. Basically.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

And, and. No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

What is going on here?

[C]

Stop it.

[A]

Push pause. What is going on here? Dude, don't. I would.

[C]

Look. We all made mistakes.

[A]

Isn't it hot?

[C]

You're doing tv. Oh, my God. This is the first tv, like, chat show. Stand up. I did. I did a couple on the roads and.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Evening and Timber Ops.

[A]

But did you choose that outfit?

[B]

I love it.

[C]

Yes, I, I. Was it a heart?

[A]

Is it edgy comedy?

[C]

I don't know what I was thinking.

[A]

Yeah, terrible.

[C]

Conan O'. Brien. 94.

[A]

94. Conan O'. Brien. Wow.

[C]

This really? Yeah.

[A]

And you bought that sweater. Yeah, kind of like, that's not free. They Not a stylist. Borrowed.

[C]

And look how long the sleeves are. It's too long for me. Yeah, yeah, look, it's, like, hanging off. Oh, God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's cool guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't care.

[A]

Probably at the time, they were like, oh, that's cool.

[C]

That's cool. In the 90s. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I guess. But I mean. All right, enough. You can.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Turn.

[A]

Turn it off. Yeah.

[B]

I like your ear. Earrings, too.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. My daughter.

[C]

My daughter.

[A]

Yeah. Back then, were you. Because I remember, you know, when I would be young and have no money and you get a TV spot.

[C]

Right.

[A]

The nervousness of it.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. I used to pace. Pace. Yeah. And, you know, like, premium blend back then, they used to do, like, you know, 12 shows a night, right? And they're like, bobby, you're on the last show. That was mine. Last show.

[C]

New York one.

[A]

No, I did the LA one.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, last show.

[C]

Right.

[A]

They already did 12. Same audience. And you're the last comic of the last show. Oh, my. It was brutal.

[C]

Brutal.

[A]

12 shows are 12 comics. Yeah. Like, they shot all day long, you know, because it. You know, it was. It was like, you know, we shoot these in three days and we got to get this many episodes out. You know, what's like six minutes, five minutes. Yeah. But still, it was like, it. I bombed so hard. Oh, my. It was so hard. Yeah.

[C]

That's not fair.

[A]

It's not fair. Yeah, yeah. But I used to get, like, tonight show. I was no. You know, I had no future. Everything's relying on this set in my mind. You build it up, right? So it's just the. This nervousness that you've never really felt before. It's like, do or die. Hit the ball or you're done.

[B]

But you do so well in those situations. Haven't you said that before?

[A]

Like, what have I said? Under pressure?

[C]

What lie did I say?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I might have been lying. Yeah, yeah. What is. What is the lie that I said? You perform under pressure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Because you were talking about how some comedians are talented but don't rise to the occasion. You are always someone that could rise to the occasion.

[A]

Yeah. I've always been able to hit the ball when needed. Needed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and I think that that's. I think. I don't think that is a lie. I think that is a.

[C]

Did they. Do you know if they sweetened it when you. Did you see it back?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No.

[A]

Yeah, they did add laughs. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Did you know they were gonna do that or that?

[A]

I did not know. Right, right. And. And I learned a valuable lesson that night where it's like, just pretend you're killing.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think when I was watching it, I. I could say it's true. Like, God, I'm done. Yeah, yeah. But I. I remember watching it, right? Going. Oh, I wish I. Because I could see it in my eyes.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's probably something that other people couldn't read, but I could see him. Yeah. My Eyes were going, yeah, like that. You know what I mean? But I was still trying to smile, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know. Yeah. You learn to pretend that you're doing well. Right. Because sometimes, man, it can be brutal.

[C]

I did a. Early, early on, I think it was like my third TV thing. I'd done an evening at the Improv and a comedy on the road with John Byner in San Diego. And then I got an offer to do. Excuse me, an ad for Open water. That's good.

[A]

You want more open water?

[C]

We open water.

[A]

No, I'm good

[C]

to do comedy on the road in London, and I'd never been abroad and I was so excited to do it. And, and it was, it was shot at the Comedy Store, whatever is in.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Piccadilly Circus or Lester Square, one of those. And it was afternoon.

[A]

My God.

[C]

Yes. So it was, it was like 3 o' clock in the afternoon and poorly run, poorly produced, with too much downtime and, and resetting and stuff. And it was just everything that you could ask for to make a set suck.

[A]

It's warm in there.

[C]

And, and it was, And I, I had one of those, you know, the, the old school BE before phones, the London maps, kind of like a Thomas Guide, but it was like a, it's a London A to Z, London, whatever. And you have these things and it. Because London is crazy complicated. And so I had this map in my pocket just from walking over there to the, to the place. And I told this, this joke that you like. There's no punchline until the end. And you gotta be with me for about a minute, minute and a half.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

And. And then you get to the. Yeah, yeah. And I'm doing the thing and I, and I do this whole fucking setup and I get to the punchline, which kills in other places. Right. And it, and it's worth it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I get to it and it wasn't also, it wasn't like a cultural thing. They didn't, they just were sitting there and nothing. Nothing. Zero. Not even nothing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then I, I, I pulled out the map and I went. And this is like spur. I just, you know, spur the moment I thought of it and I pulled out the map and I go and I read back my directions to the club from whatever, you know, efficiency flat I was staying in. Like, the Lester took a right at Berwick and a left at Warburton and come down. I did this for a while, like. And then to the comedy. Nope. That joke should have worked. Just nothing. Nothing oh no.

[A]

Oh no. Oh no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Actually if you want to try to put some try comedy on the road with John Byer. London. This would have been 90, 94, 90 is 93 maybe.

[A]

Brutal. Brutal.

[C]

See if that's available. I don't even know if it's on the Internet.

[A]

Have you been back to London to do comedy since then?

[C]

Oh yeah, I lived there for, I did a coup shows there and, and I do, I have great shows in, in actually all of the UK is really good.

[A]

I played for the first time last year.

[C]

It's great.

[A]

It was great.

[C]

I love it. And I was on tour last year doing the European leg and I had, I booked or cleared a week around my London date and had my family came over over and because I wanted my daughter to. Because I have dual citizenship too. To the uk. Do you do too? To uk?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

In Korea? No, no, I, I, they hit me. I'm, yeah, we're, yeah, but I, I

[C]

mean I, I can, if the gets really, really bad here, I can, you know and I can work in London. I, I, I've worked before and, and my wife loves it and you know we, she was on this, I did a couple shows there, but she was on one of them and we have friends there and I can do stand up easily.

[B]

But you usually do well there.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Yes. Dude, that was one time.

[C]

No, no, no. I mean also it's, look, I mean I'm not going like these dumb motherfuckers. Like if you don't like the joke, you're not going to like the joke and you're not going to like, like me. I'm not. That's what, and it's what, five minutes, six, seven minutes tops.

[A]

Yeah. And so you weren't after the show, you weren't devastated?

[C]

I mean I wasn't psyched, but I, no, I, I mean I never get too high or too low ever.

[A]

Wow, what's that like? What's that like? What are you taking?

[C]

Pretty, it's pretty awesome.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. You likes a pro. Yeah, yeah. Wellbutrin.

[C]

I, I mean I really, that's, that's a conscious effort also to not get too high and too low.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

To keep grounded and to not be a dick and also to not get too bummed out so that it affects me in my ability to work and just bounce back and like okay, whatever. Let's figure something else.

[A]

You have a lot of like just kind of self contained self worth.

[C]

I mean I don't have it on me back in New York. I have. I mean, in my office somewhere.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta find some. It feels. Yeah.

[C]

Well, don't take mine.

[A]

It's in New York. Yeah. Wow. So do you have fun here or. No. On the pod.

[C]

Oh, fuck. Yeah. This is great. This was a treat. You know, I'm doing. I'm out here doing a bunch of press. I'm here for one week. You know, I flew in Sunday night. I'm leaving tomorrow, 8am Flight back home. Home. And you know, you, You. There's a lot of stuff. Nothing is bad, but they're all kind of different flavors and. And this is a great way to end this. My last thing.

[A]

Oh, cool, man.

[C]

Awesome. And it. And I. Yeah, I had a great time. I laughed a lot. I left more in the last, you know, hour and a half, two hours, whatever it is. I've laughed more than probably I have in the last week.

[A]

Oh, that's.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Wow.

[C]

I love you guys.

[A]

So check out David Cross's special. It's called Trailer. There's a trailer there. Check it out. And on his website, David Cross, the end of the beginning of the end. Watch it now. Pretty. Wow. Did you produce that yourself?

[C]

Oh, no, no, it's. It's co produced.

[A]

It's co produced.

[C]

Ymh.

[A]

Okay. Wow, that's amazing.

[B]

So why did you pick that hat?

[C]

Because I'm from Atlanta and I. It's at the 41. What? Alpharetta. Roswell. Holy. Really? That's crazy. But now, when I was a kid, both Roswell and Alpharetta. Roswell actually looked down on Alpharetta. Yeah. And Roswell was. Not anymore. Roswell was rural, suburban. And it was. Atlanta was not connected all the way like it is now. Big, sprawling, you know, la ified. But. But Alpharetta, which was across the river country, super country when I was growing up. So like what Little kind of, you know, when people. It's just classic human, like, well, we may be in Roswell, but at least we're not in Alpharetta with those rednecks literally just across the river, Hokum Bridge Road. Hokum Bridge Road is where they separated. And if you going past Holm Bridge Road, like redneck. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Wow.

[C]

But where we were was also that like the, the high school hangout was a McDonald's. There was nothing around. But they had, they had the audacity to make fun of Alpha Road. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Give David a round of applause, everybody.

[C]

And then, Peter, do you have a special?

[A]

Yeah, Peter, you have a special. What is it called?

[C]

Not Bobby called Rice Pig.

[A]

Yeah. Why'd you say not Bobby Lee there? Cuz I. That's the number one comment I get on YouTube, is what happened to Bobby Lee?

[C]

Dude, you look so, so much older with your hair back.

[A]

Older.

[C]

Roasted. You got roasted by D. Cross. No, no, no, no, no. That is not a negative comment at all. That is not negative, negative or positive. It's just an observation.

[A]

Check out my special. I look really old.

[C]

I didn't say that. I did not say that. I said you look a little older.

[A]

A little older. Yeah, you do look a little older. Hair down makes me feel young.

[C]

Littlefield.

[A]

No, this is Brooklyn Comedy Collective.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You look like you're doing work here. You're like, my hair's up, I'm doing work.

[A]

Yeah. I get hot on stage. So. Yeah. How many did you. You shoot? Just one. Which was the issue. It was an issue. Oh, okay. Yeah, just one. How many do you shoot when you do yours?

[C]

Two.

[A]

Two? Yeah, yeah. I did four, I think was a mistake.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know. Whoa, wait. Yeah.

[C]

Who's good?

[A]

Wait, why a mistake? You burned out? No, I just. I got it in the one. Yeah, you got at the first one. Yeah, after the first.

[C]

But then you got the first and the last, which is good.

[A]

The last one was great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. The fourth one was great, but which was the template of, you know, I mean, you're.

[C]

You're most likely, because it's your audience going to see you. You're gonna. You're gonna do really well. You're gonna nail it. You do a second. In case you do forget one little thing or just there's a technical up, but you don't need to do more.

[A]

Well, from now on, I think two. Yeah, yeah, two or three. But anyway, David, two or two or three.

[C]

I'd go four minutes.

[A]

We'll try six.

[C]

Start at four.

[A]

You were three. Yeah, yeah. Hey, that was a pleasure. Thank you so much.