10 Red Flags in Female Friendships: Gossip, Communication, Conflict & More

Summary

Podcast Summary: "To My Sisters" - Episode 10: Red Flags in Female Friendships

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Title: Red Flags in Female Friendships: Gossip, Communication, Conflict & More

Hosts: Courtney Daniella Boateng & Renée Kapuku
Release Date: February 9, 2025

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"To My Sisters" is a vibrant podcast dedicated to exploring the nuances of navigating adulthood, sisterhood, and holistic wellness among women worldwide. In Episode 10, hosts Courtney Daniella Boateng and Renée Kapuku delve into the Top 10 Red Flags in Female Friendships, offering insightful discussions on behaviors and patterns that can undermine healthy relationships.

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1. Transactional Friendships: Selfishness and Greediness

Overview:
A friendship built solely on what one can gain rather than genuine connection is detrimental. These relationships often involve one party continuously taking without reciprocating, leading to imbalance and resentment.

Key Points:

• Definition: Friendships based on networking or personal gain rather than authentic care.
• Impact: Creates inauthentic connections where support is superficial and conditional.

Notable Quotes:

• Renée (02:38): "Friendships that are purely transactional... it's about what you can get from being friends with this person."
• Courtney (05:06): "When you are a friend with someone... they're constantly thinking about themselves and themselves only."

Conclusion:
Genuine sisterhood requires mutual support and presence beyond surface-level interactions. If a friendship is marked by constant taking, it's time to reevaluate its authenticity.

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2. Lack of Loyalty: Not Defending You Behind Your Back

Overview:
True friends stand up for each other's character, especially in your absence. A lack of loyalty manifests when friends ignore or participate in gossip, failing to protect your reputation.

Key Points:

• Loyalty Redefined: Not about blind support, but defending a friend’s character when they're not present.
• Consequences: Erodes trust and makes the friendship unsafe for vulnerability.

Notable Quotes:

• Renée (08:10): "A sister should be a sister even in your absence. There should still be this defense of your character."
• Courtney (11:07): "If somebody's not willing to really assess... that is a red flag."

Conclusion:
Friends who do not stand up for you when you're not around compromise the safety and integrity of the friendship. Loyalty is fundamental for trust and mutual respect.

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3. Influencing Away from Your Values: Compromising Core Beliefs

Overview:
Friends who push you to stray from your core values and beliefs can lead to unhealthy behavior and personal decline. It's crucial to maintain your integrity within friendships.

Key Points:

• Character Refiner: True friends should help you grow, not lead you astray.
• Warning Signs: Encouraging actions that conflict with your ethical or personal standards.

Notable Quotes:

• Courtney (17:18): "Anyone that causes you to compromise on your core values, that's a red flag."
• Renée (19:15): "Friends should keep you accountable and help you stay true to your goals."

Conclusion:
A supportive friendship enhances your values and encourages positive growth. Friends who pressure you to act against your principles are harmful to your personal development.

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4. Dishonesty and Manipulation: Lies and Deceptive Behavior

Overview:
Trust is the foundation of any friendship. Dishonest behaviors, including manipulative lies, disrupt this trust and can lead to lasting harm.

Key Points:

• Types of Lies: From minor fabrications to significant deceptions intended to manipulate.
• Impact: Undermines trust and can create complex emotional entanglements.

Notable Quotes:

• Courtney (23:05): "If you’re lying to protect me and now you're lying to manipulate me, that's a massive red flag."
• Renée (27:56): "Lies meant to manipulate show the true character of a person."

Conclusion:
Honesty is non-negotiable in strong friendships. Manipulative lies erode the foundation of trust, making the relationship unhealthy and unstable.

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5. Excessive Gossiping and Lack of Privacy Respect

Overview:
Gossiping not only spreads rumors but also breaches the sanctity of trust in friendships. Friends who gossip violate your privacy and make you feel unsafe sharing personal information.

Key Points:

• Gossip as a Red Flag: Sharing friends' business without consent signifies unreliability.
• Consequences: Loss of intimacy and trust, making genuine connection impossible.

Notable Quotes:

• Renée (28:37): "If you're the lady whistledown of your friendship group, you need to be reprimanded."
• Courtney (30:59): "No one is safe with a gossiper friend; it closes off intimacy."

Conclusion:
Respecting privacy is crucial for a trusting and intimate friendship. Gossipers undermine this trust, leading to fractured and superficial relationships.

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6. Inconsistency in Character and Affection

Overview:
Friends who are unpredictable and emotionally inconsistent make the relationship unstable. Consistent behavior fosters trust, while erratic actions create uncertainty and insecurity.

Key Points:

• Emotional Stability: Reliable friends provide a sense of security.
• Impact of Inconsistency: Leads to confusion and reluctance to invest emotionally.

Notable Quotes:

• Renée (41:04): "I never know what I'm going to get with you. I don't know if I can trust you."
• Courtney (43:37): "You can't put friends in boxes; you need consistent character to build trust."

Conclusion:
Consistency in behavior and emotions is vital for maintaining trust and a strong bond in friendships. Inconsistent friends create emotional turmoil and weaken relational stability.

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7. Avoidance of Confrontation and Difficult Issues

Overview:
Friendships that dissolve or become strained due to the inability to confront issues properly lack the resilience needed for lasting relationships. Avoiding confrontation prevents resolution and growth.

Key Points:

• Healthy Conflict: Essential for resolving misunderstandings and strengthening bonds.
• Consequences of Avoidance: Leads to unresolved tensions and eventual breakdown of the friendship.

Notable Quotes:

• Courtney (32:46): "Friendships require work. If you run away every time things get tough, you're signaling a red flag."
• Renée (35:11): "Avoiding confrontation stops you from advocating for yourself and growing in confidence."

Conclusion:
Effective communication and willingness to address conflicts are essential for sustaining healthy friendships. Avoidance hinders growth and can lead to the end of meaningful relationships.

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8. Lack of Accountability and Grace

Overview:
Friends who fail to hold each other accountable or extend grace during challenging times hinder personal growth and strain the relationship. Accountability fosters mutual respect and improvement.

Key Points:

• Mutual Support: True friends encourage each other to stay true to their goals and values.
• Extending Grace: Understanding and patience during friends' difficult phases strengthen bonds.

Notable Quotes:

• Courtney (51:32): "Extending grace is critical because friendships are dynamic and evolving."
• Renée (52:02): "Relationships are often built on grace, allowing for forgiveness and growth."

Conclusion:
Accountability and grace are pillars of enduring friendships. They enable friends to support each other's growth and navigate life's changes together.

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9. Poor Communication Skills: Bad Texters

Overview:
While not inherently a red flag, poor communication habits, such as being a bad texter, can strain friendships if not managed properly. Understanding and adapting to each other's communication preferences is key.

Key Points:

• Communication Preferences: Recognizing different modes of communication can prevent misunderstandings.
• Managing Expectations: Clear expectations help maintain healthy communication flows.

Notable Quotes:

• Courtney (53:01): "It's not fair to call someone a bad communicator just because they don't prioritize texting."
• Renée (55:22): "Managing expectations and understanding each other's preferred communication methods can bridge gaps."

Conclusion:
Effective communication is crucial, but it doesn't have to conform to a single standard like texting. Mutual understanding and adaptability can ensure that differing communication preferences do not harm the friendship.

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10. Inability to Extend or Receive Grace

Overview:
Friendships thrive on the ability to forgive and support each other through life's fluctuations. An inability to extend or accept grace can lead to rigid and unforgiving relationships.

Key Points:

• Dynamic Relationships: Recognizing that friends evolve and change over time.
• Grace in Friendship: Offering forgiveness and support during transitional phases strengthens bonds.

Notable Quotes:

• Courtney (48:13): "Giving people permission to change and extending grace is essential for sustainable friendships."
• Renée (51:59): "Relationships are built on grace, allowing both parties to grow and adapt together."

Conclusion:
Grace allows friendships to adapt to changes and overcome challenges. It fosters an environment where both friends can evolve without fear of losing the relationship.

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Final Thoughts:
Episode 10 of To My Sisters provides a comprehensive exploration of behaviors and patterns that can signal unhealthy friendships. By identifying and addressing these red flags, listeners are empowered to cultivate stronger, more authentic relationships that support their personal growth and well-being.

Notable Host Interaction:

• Courtney (35:11): "Don't run away. Why are you running? Stop running. I think that is a massive red flag."
• Renée (38:44): "You can't just keep ducking out of relationships because maybe you're afraid."

The hosts emphasize the importance of self-awareness, effective communication, and mutual respect in maintaining healthy and fulfilling friendships.

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Join the Conversation:
Have you identified any additional red flags in your friendships? Share your thoughts and experiences with Courtney and Renée on their social media platforms or through their website @wwysisters.com. Engage with a community dedicated to fostering genuine sisterhood and holistic wellness.

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Keep glowing and growing, sisters!

Transcript

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[Courtney]

The top 10 red flags in female friendships.

[Renee]

Number one, friendships that are purely transactional, selfishness and greediness. Okay, in friendship, do you call me when it's time to check on me, or are you just calling because you need something?

[Courtney]

Just take, take, take. Like, constantly.

[Renee]

Take a friend that doesn't check people when they disrespect you.

[Courtney]

Best friendships and relationships are the ones where you are genuinely thinking about the other person.

[Renee]

I feel like it's terrible if your friend is sitting in the council or in the midst of people who don't like you.

[Courtney]

Anyone that causes you to compromise on your core values, that's a red flag.

[Renee]

Hello, and welcome to the To My Sisters podcast. I'm Courtney.

[Courtney]

And I'm Renee. And we are your online sisters and hosts of the To My Sisters podcast.

[Renee]

We are all about promoting the wellness, growth, and development of a community of sisters around the world.

[Courtney]

And in today's episode, we are going to be talking about the top 10 red flags in female friendships. Yes. We're going to be talking on that alarming stuff.

[Renee]

Alarming.

[Courtney]

Yeah, alarming. Because we're really in 2025 and we're still seeing some alarming things. So I'm really excited for this conversation.

[Renee]

It's going to be good.

[Courtney]

Oh, I can't wait.

[Renee]

It's going to be good. It was inspired by a TikTok video that you sent me, and I'm very GLAD you're enjoying TikTok at the moment. My favorite app in the world.

[Courtney]

Now, I've been converted by a combination of Courtney and my two younger sisters. They have definitely been sending me TikTok not reels, because they're not reels. They're actually called TikToks. Yeah, of course. Sharing my age.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

I've been Inspired by the TikToks the Clock app, and I'm really enjoying it.

[Renee]

Good.

[Courtney]

There's such good vibes.

[Renee]

Yeah, exactly.

[Courtney]

Way better vibes.

[Renee]

This episode idea so we love that. And shout out to the creators doing these amazing topics. Oh, yeah, that part.

[Courtney]

That part. All right. Getting into it.

[Renee]

10 red flags.

[Courtney]

Do you want to kick off friend with. Okay, number one. It may not be number one on the list, but at least one of the red flags.

[Renee]

So I think my first red flag when it comes to female friendship is this might be coming in heavy. Come on. Friendships that are purely transactional.

[Courtney]

Okay.

[Renee]

Right. I think we've talked about this before where we talked about friendships that are more based on networking. Based on, like, what can I get from being friends with this person, being friends in this friendship group, whatever it may be.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And it can sometimes lead to inauthentic female friendships where I'm literally wanting to get to know you because of what you do, where your position. And sometimes that's okay if we just call it networking. But when it comes to actual friendship, when it comes to actual sisterhood, I think we need to really consider what those terms, terms mean when it comes to our relationships with people. Like, sisterhood isn't just the, oh, you know, that's my sis. And we're in the same industry, and we both, you know, can help each other do great things. You can feature on my podcast. I can feature on her podcast. It's not like that. Sisterhood is a deep level of friendship and commitment where you show up for somebody pretty much behind the scenes as well as you do in front. And I think with transactional relationships, it's more so about showing up for, you know, on stage moments. You know, I come to your events, I support you. I'm in your comments under your LinkedIn post. I'm like, that's my sis. But behind the scenes, especially when things fall apart or seasons may not be as, you know, great as they used to be, are you still going to want to be as close to me? Are you still going to want to show up as frequently as you did or as well as you did? Do you call me when it's time to check on me, or are you just calling because you need something? I think it's really making sure that your friendships or your friend is not just retrieving from you all the time. We often talk about the analogy of friendships being a bank balance and how you have to make deposits as well as withdrawals. I think you need to pay attention to friendships where there's constantly withdrawals and there's very few deposits into that bank account. And so, yeah, transactional friendships. Cut it out.

[Courtney]

Cut it out.

[Renee]

Yeah, absolutely. And there's there's room, like I said, there's room for transactions.

[Courtney]

Absolutely.

[Renee]

Mentorship is a transaction to some degree. Professional networking is a transaction. Like there are transactional contexts and that's completely fine. But when it comes to this phrase of like friendship or sisterhood, that's where we have to be careful. I love that.

[Courtney]

I love that so much.

[Renee]

How about you? What is one of your friendship red flags?

[Courtney]

Well, it's actually very related to what you were saying about transactional relationships, selfishness.

[Renee]

And greediness in friendship.

[Courtney]

I think that oftentimes, especially in today's day and age, it's really easy to see relationships as centering ourselves. Right. Like when we do think about sisterhood and friendship especially, we're often thinking, how can this person add to my life? So above and beyond even transactions is really about centering yourself even within a relationship, even though relationships are meant to be reciprocal.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And I think it becomes such a big problem when you are a friend with someone, dare I say a sister with someone, and they're constantly thinking about themselves and themselves only. I don't know if you've experienced this, but you know those people that you speak to and they somehow find a way to still make it about themselves.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

You'll be telling a completely random story about, or you'll be saying, hey, you know, I've been feeling this particularly, I've been feeling like depressed or whatnot. And they will find a way to now come and bring in, oh, you know, I remember when I was depressed in year four.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And you know, it was such a tough time for me going through that. And then eventually they'll link it back to how this is relevant to you. So the selfishness really does come in when you're speaking to a friend or you're really like sharing stuff about yourself. And the only way that they can relate to you is by relating it to themselves. And then in terms of greed, again, just take, take, take, like constantly taking from you, whether it be like, things that can benefit themselves or just assuming that they're entitled to your time, your emotional well being, just anything about you, they are just entitled to it and they take it without thinking, okay, what's the cost? Cost to this? Right. Like, really considering the cost. And I think what I actually really love about our friendship is just how selfless you have been, but also how selfless it pushes me to be as well. I really do think that, like, the best you are, the actual best we.

[Renee]

Really early in, you're not seven minutes at all.

[Courtney]

We blush, it Already.

[Renee]

Oh, Jesus.

[Courtney]

But I do think. I do think the best friendships and relationships are the ones where you are genuinely thinking about the other person above yourself.

[Renee]

Absolutely.

[Courtney]

And it works when it's the two of you in conjunction with each other thinking about the other person. It doesn't work when one person is consumed with themselves and the other person is only consumed either about the other person totally or consumed by themselves. It just doesn't work.

[Renee]

That's good.

[Courtney]

So I use that example because it actually inspires me and pushes me to think. Think, okay, what are the ways that I can also adhere to Courtney's needs or whoever I have as friends? Like, how can I make sure that as a sister, I'm coming through? Because if you're constantly covering the back of your sister and your sister is covering your backs, that means that nobody goes unchecked or nobody goes without having their back covered. So I think if you are in a friendship with someone who is selfish or greedy, it might be time to cut it off.

[Renee]

Cut it off.

[Courtney]

So that's.

[Renee]

I completely agree with that. That's a really good one. I think off the back of that, I'll share my second one.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Which is a friend that doesn't check people when they disrespect you behind your back. Yeah. I feel like, for me, a big thing about sisterhood is loyalty.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I wouldn't say loyalty in the sense that, like, a lot of people use the word in this, like, perverted sense of standard. Stick with me no matter what, no matter my bad behavior. But I do think a sister should be a sister even in your absence. Right. So even if you're not around, there should still be this defense of your character, especially if people are disrespecting you or gossiping about you or maybe just crossing the line when you're not there. And I don't know if you've ever experienced, but sometimes you can be around people and maybe you're in a friendship group, and then one person isn't there. And then there can be some sometimes a temptation to start talking about this person in their absence. And I think it's important, just as women of integrity, but also as sisters, to make sure that even in somebody's absence, you are really taking time to make sure. Like you said, they are covered, but also they are being respected. And I think sometimes, especially because, you know, we love a good gist. We love a good gossip. We love a good kiki. Have you heard? Have you heard?

[Courtney]

Have you heard?

[Renee]

You just need to be careful that like, you're not violating. And this goes into another one of mine, but you're not violating boundaries. You're not violating someone's privacy. Like, you're actually honoring your sister by making sure other people honor her too. And sometimes in the most extreme cases, if people are disrespectful or saying something that's like, I feel like it's terrible if your friend is sitting in the council or in the midst of people who don't like you, or in the midst of people who are very verbal about the fact that they don't like you or criticizing you or speaking about you, or just sharing really negative things that to some degree can assassinate your character. I feel like in that present moment when you are not there, your friend should really be your defender. Your sister should really be somebody who's like, no, you can't speak about my friend that way. And it doesn't have to be super confrontational or aggressive in its confrontation. But I do think there needs to be some form of confrontation, which is, that's my friend. You can't talk about my friend like that. I know she's not here, but I'm here, and that's a problem. You can't talk negatively about my friend in my presence. And I think if somebody doesn't stick up for you like that, even if it cost them a friendship with somewhat a crazy person, I think that's a red flag. I think that's a red flag. I think if somebody's not willing to really assess, like, okay, maybe you weren't talking bad about me, but you're talking badly about someone I really love. Like, I think about my sister, I think about my mom, I think about you, I think about the other female friends I hold dearly in my life. No matter how funny a situation may be, I've always got to be alert that, hey, don't slip into disrespect now, because I give you that license as well. If I, you know, if you. If someone. If I'm around someone and they make a joke about you.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I laugh with it, it gives them permission to do that again.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Do you get what I mean? And it gives them permission to go even further than that next time. And so I think sometimes you've got to nip it in the bud straight away. I think, I can't remember, is it Misha B. She has a song that's like, so don't talk about my sister.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I genuinely think that's what it is. Don't talk about My sister. Don't touch her hair on her hair. Don't do nothing. Not in my presence. Because what did you say about my sister? That's it. That's actually it. Aranisha Pierre.

[Courtney]

I love, love that. And I also loved the fact that you mentioned group dynamics as well, because oftentimes, like, especially when we're in girl group or squad, people can come and I guess complain.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Or vent about people that you love. So talk to me a little bit about that, actually.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

What should our response be if someone were to come to you or, you know, they had beef with that same me.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And they came to you and said, oh, Renee is welding out.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Renee said this, this. And is not this problematic, guys? But in the event that I was extremely problematic and someone came to you and was basically venting to you.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

What would the appropriate response be?

[Renee]

Yeah. So, okay, I think there's a few things here. One I think you would have to tell that person. I'm okay to advise on the issue. I'm okay to hear your side of the story, but I can't be here to hear you vent because venting is different to. I am seeking counsel from you. So venting or ranting is very much. It's very much emotional. And I'm not saying that you should completely or that person should completely remove their emotion from the situation. But I can't sit here and hear you vent especially negatively about my closest friend, because what, am I going to sit there and be like, yes, she is. I know. And that's not going to be helpful to you either. And often when people are venting, they're not looking for practical advice. They're just looking to vent. And I can't let you do that in my presence because you might say something you regret. But now I know something quite compromising about my friend. So I think it's not about venting. But if you're coming to me for. If you're coming to me to ask for counsel, which I've actually had certain friends come to me and be like, okay, there's another friend in our friendship group, but I need your advice on how to deal with this situation between me and her. I think, one, stick to the facts. Yeah, stick to the facts as you are telling this story. Number two, be honest about how it made you feel, but also be ready to kind of be challenged to see maybe where in the situation you may have gone wrong. And I think also be ready for a practical next step with that person. So I think the conversation should Be super practical. Like, okay, how can I, Courtney, step in to help this situation between you and Renee? Is it that you want me to advise you on what to do or is it that you want me to actually step in and mediate something? We have to leave with a practical next step. This can't just be a gossiping session. And so I think once you then leave with a practical thing, that person who you've gone to for counsel or you know, help, advice, whatever, just to listen in the ear, should also have a neutral stand as well and go to that friend and be like, you know what, I've heard this situation. And yes, you might be upset. And yes, I think the person, like, I would have the responsibility to cover the other person. But I think it's the mature thing if that person's permission is given to be like this person actually really hurt by something you did. And maybe you didn't see it this way, this way, this way. And hopefully you have a good standing with your friend, with your sister to be like, I think maybe you need to apologize or actually maybe they need to apologize to you. And I've already advised them of that. But I basically think approach it with caution, but remain neutral, like maintain a neutral stance and also don't allow something secondhand to be passed on to you as well. So I think it's very easy to absorb some kind of secondhand offense where it's like, oh, she did this to you. And now I'm looking at her sideways and it's like, have you even got your sister's side of the story or your friend's side of the story? So I think it's just allowing yourself to remain neutral. And truly, I believe if you cannot do that, tell your friend you don't want to hear it. That like, you actually can't be the person to help mediate this situation, or you cannot be the person to step into this situation because you don't think you'll be able to handle it wisely. And I think that should be respected by the friend that's come to you to complain to some degree. What do you think?

[Courtney]

I really adore that. No, I completely agree with you. Honestly, I think trying to remain as neutral as possible and also going in with the best of intentions at all time, I think what you said about second hand offense is so true. Oftentimes we think that we are supporting our friends by doing the emotional lifting as well. Right? By supporting them by being angry or supporting them by saying, yeah, I would never let that run you. Know, typical, typical words that we would use when we're there trying to support our friends in their venting process. Right. And I think it is really important to have a measured approach and going with the best of intentions, which is around resolution. We actually want to resolve this. This isn't about villainizing anyone. And I think also seeing the issue they have as the problem and not the people as the problem. Yeah, I think we often find it easier to do that with romantic relationships. But I think the challenge with a lot of female friendships is we often see the problem as the person and not the problem as the problem. So I think going in with the best of intentions, going in with the desire to meet some kind of resolution, and I think going in with the intention of upholding everybody's character as much as possible, unless they have given you.

[Renee]

Due course to believe otherwise.

[Courtney]

So, yeah, I very much, very, very much agree. And it actually leads into my next point around. A red flag in friendship is somebody that leads you away from your character or values. If there is any cause or any peer pressure around the way that you behave or the things that you do that causes you to move so far from the person that you have decided to be, that is a big red flag. Big, big red flag. Especially because obviously we have our beliefs about friendship and what friendship is and what friendship does.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Friendship is often a refiner. Friendship is a tool or an opportunity for you to continuously improve, as it were. You know, sometimes you'd be doing some nonsense with your friends, and I think there's space in friendship for that. You know, the person that you tag team with to go and do a bunch of nonsense. Occasionally.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

But if it has become habitual, whereby you find yourself doing things that actually make you feel really uncomfortable or things that are grating with how you feel as a person inside, then I think it's actually a course for you to like stop and be like, oh, are we meant to be friends here? Especially because character is such an important thing about you. And your values are literally the way that you navigate the world. So for somebody to have this much influence over you and to be pushing you away from that conception of yourself, yeah, that could be really dangerous. Especially when it comes to real dangerous activities that you may find yourself in. Life threatening activities. You start trying a whole bunch of different things that are actually really unhealthy for you.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Again, I'm not trying to judge people, but if your friend is pushing you to do things like drugs, heavy alcohol, these kind of things, you have to stop and ask yourself, is that really my friend? According to my values? Is that what I really believe this friendship is? And some people have friendships that are purely just that.

[Renee]

Right.

[Courtney]

We're just fun seekers, thrill seekers. We go out, we get wasted, we do whatever. Cool. But if it is leading down a path that you didn't intentionally set out on, if it is causing you to hit a ditch or fall into a pit, then, sis, you gotta stop.

[Renee]

I agree.

[Courtney]

Anyone that causes you to compromise on your core values, yeah, that's a red flag.

[Renee]

Yeah, I completely agree with you. And I feel like that is. That could be expanded by somebody who doesn't call you up to be better. Like, and to do better. Like, I feel like a lot of us want friends who will kind of co. Sign our madness.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And sometimes that's okay when it's like you're going through it. I understand why you did what you did. It's funny. Do you get what I mean? But I think when you are repeatedly straying away from the person who you say you want to be, there should be a friend there to keep you accountable. And I think a friend who repeatedly doesn't hold you accountable to maybe your wrongs or your failures or, you know, your inconsistencies, or you just. Your incongruencies. Like, you said, you're going to do this. You haven't. Or you said you want to be like this, you're not. If you have a friend who doesn't call you up on it, are they really a friend that wants to see you succeed? I think that's the main thing. It's not about having a drill sergeant. It's not about having someone who's constantly hypercritical towards you and what you do. But it is somebody who can be like, you know what, sis? You know, you said at the beginning of 2025, this is your goal.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

We're now in April. Where are we? You know, or maybe I've seen you regress, or maybe I've seen you move. I think you'll start. You're starting to move in a way that means you won't achieve that. So I'm just bringing it back to your remembrance. Let me know, has the goal changed? Is there something I could do to support or help? What do we need to pray about? Where's your head at? Just stepping in to be like, I want to see you win. I want to see you like, I want to see you sell the course you've charted. But right now, I can see your rudders taking you the Other way. Like, you're going off course, and so let's get you back to where you need to be. But if you have friends that will consistently allow you to stray, you'll never arrive where it is you need to actually be. So I think you have to have friends who call you up higher to some degree. But sometimes we just surround ourselves with yes women, and we don't need yes women. Like, sometimes it's fine, but all the.

[Courtney]

Time, sometimes you've got to say no.

[Renee]

Yeah. Not all the time is a bit.

[Courtney]

Too much of a madness.

[Renee]

That's it. That's it. That's it. Well, my next one is you feel like you can never be honest about the things that make you uncomfortable in your friendship. I think female friendship red flags are really about, do you have transparency? Do you have vulnerability? Is there safety in your friendship? And I think a huge sign that maybe your friendship isn't safe and productive is if you cannot give feedback honestly, if you cannot really express. Like, no, I felt like this when you did this, when you said this. I didn't really like it. Like, there's a great healthy way to have conflict and confrontation in a relationship, which is. I don't really like that, you know, or that made me feel like this. And I think sometimes out of maturity or out of I'll be the bigger person or it's not that deep, or I don't want to ruffle any feathers. I don't want to make things awkward, we can actually stop ourselves from just being honest with our friend. And sometimes that honesty is what makes our friendship better. Like, it's what allows, you know, the dust to settle is what allows, you know, that little. We'll just sweep it under the rug. Sometimes you've got to bring it out, you know, to clear it away so that you can have a healthy, safe space. And so I think it's. If you're in a friendship, if you're in a situation where you feel like, I can't be honest about this person, their behavior towards me, the way they make me feel, then it's a big red flag.

[Courtney]

It is a big red flag. I love that you use the analogy of, like, sweeping things under the rug, because one thing about that is it builds up.

[Renee]

Yeah, it does.

[Courtney]

It actually starts to restrict the airflow in the place. So I think it's very important to be as transparent as possible. Even when it hurts.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Because I think there's that. Right. Oftentimes we try to avoid pain or we try to avoid all of the awkwardness etc, thinking that, you know, we're doing better when really we're absolutely not. So definitely agree. And again, leads on to my next point.

[Renee]

Okay.

[Courtney]

Which is actually, you can't be a liar.

[Renee]

Okay.

[Courtney]

Straight up liar and manipulator.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

So at the extreme end of that, like, I don't know if you've ever experienced it, but, like, you know those people that just lie for fun?

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Like, there's compulsive liars, or there's things that they withhold knowing that it is manipulative or just their behavior is a bit. Exactly. Their behavior is just a little bit booky.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

I think that's a massive red flag. Because if we're friends, why is it that you need to lie to me? And it goes above and beyond lying to me to protect me, but now you're lying to me to manipulate me.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

So, for example, you might have a friend that is, you know, expressing themselves about how a particular situation made them feel, but they are basically overdoing it and saying, oh, this was heartbreaking. When you stole my pencil, I was literally like. I was crying for, like, six days, and I was like, I know you didn't like that pencil. It really was not that deep whatsoever. Or, you know, in some extreme cases, it's like, oh, I didn't actually like that guy. But then you see that. That person with the guy that you liked the day after. But why did you lie? Why didn't you just confess that you had feelings for the same guy that I liked? Why did you lie?

[Renee]

Wait, I'm confused.

[Courtney]

Have you ever seen. It's because I'm watching too many Netflix at the moment. But basically, like, say you have a friend. Both of you like the same guy.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

But your friend has lied and said, oh, no, I don't like the guy. You can do your thing, and then you catch the girl with the guy.

[Renee]

But is that a lie?

[Courtney]

But you said you didn't like it.

[Renee]

Yeah, I get it. I get it.

[Courtney]

You didn't like it.

[Renee]

I get what you mean. But it's not a lie. Maybe the person. Okay, no, this is specific. I'm not saying I understand your point, but to this situation, I feel like women, we can be a bit weird sometimes, if I'm being honest. Yeah. Where it's like, has someone ever asked you, are you hungry? And you're like, no.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And then in 10 minutes you're like, why haven't you brought me food? I. It's not a lie. It's not a lie. It's not a lie. No, it's not a lie. Okay. Does me saying that make me a malicious person? No. So I feel like. The thing is, if it's not about you being malicious, the sort of lies I think is problematic. Yeah. Is if you now tell me, for example, okay, we both like a guy, right? And you ask me, oh, do you like him? And I'm like, no. I could be saying no because I'm unsure. I could be saying no because I don't know whether that's not fair, what to pursue. But I've said no, okay? I've told a little porky. And then you go and be with this guy, and this guy's like, you know what? I kind of like Courtney, you know, a lie is if you come back to me, be like, he thinks you're Butters to get me. To get me away from this guy. That is the sort of line that's a red flag. Do you get what I mean? That's like manipulative behavior. Do you get what that's. That's the sort of lie I thought you were talking about, if that makes sense. That's why I was like, what do you mean?

[Courtney]

Yeah, but then.

[Renee]

But.

[Courtney]

But this is also my issue, though, in that. Because it's become ingrained in our culture as women, sometimes for us to deny the reality of our feelings straight up, we think that we are, like, helping the situation by basically saying an untruth because it's not. It wasn't true.

[Renee]

But sometimes it's suppression.

[Courtney]

Occasionally.

[Renee]

But. Yeah, but in. I think most times it's suppression, but.

[Courtney]

In the event that it's not, as in, you know, you have feelings for this guy, but you don't want to admit it.

[Renee]

But in that situation, I don't know how that would work or why you would. Like, what's your motivation to be like, no, I don't like him.

[Courtney]

Probably, like, if we both like the same guy, then you're probably thinking, oh, my gosh, like, my friend likes them too, so I'm gonna let her have him.

[Renee]

Him. Oh, I get you. But I wouldn't. I wouldn't hold that against my friend as a lie, though, because I would understand why. For me, like, the red flag part of being a liar is what was your motivation for the lie? Not legit. Do you get what I mean? Like, what is your motive, motivation behind this?

[Courtney]

I think the. I think lying in general.

[Renee]

Fair enough.

[Courtney]

I think in general, even at that. Because what it now triggers is so much complications. If you had just told me for Example from the beginning, oh, I like this guy. Then it's like, okay, both of us like him, we need to pause. Etc. But imagine we now get. I've seen too many television shows, but also real life experiences. Yeah. Where this person now ends up marrying so and so, and then her husband now goes to cheat with your friend. And I feel like a lot of that could have been stopped if you, in the initial moment, you had actually just been honest with your feelings.

[Renee]

Fair enough.

[Courtney]

And maybe it's a lack of, I guess, self awareness because sometimes we don't identify that we, for example, in that analogy, actually like the guy. Maybe we're still wrestling with it, but for me, I would actually prefer honesty in that sense either. It's like, oh, I'm not quite sure. I might have feelings for this guy, I might not. I think I would prefer that than a straight up. I don't like this guy because there's some, there's still something there. But I think that just goes to show that there's so many. It exists on the spectrum, especially when it comes to the whole, like, line of manipulation. Obviously there's some folks that tell, you know, petite white lies and then there's some folks that tell grande, grande lies that are like, big red. Ah, you told a porky pie. This is a steak pie that you've actually come and cooked up. But yeah, I do think that anybody that you feel is manipulative in any way or distorts the truth with the intention to manipulate. Yeah, massive red flag.

[Renee]

I completely agree with that. Yeah, I completely agree with that because I think it shows you the heart of the, the person. And boy, some people, as soon as they show you them kind of character traits, oh, you've got protective, those people. I've always say those people can kill you.

[Courtney]

They can, they will kill you.

[Renee]

I can progress. This sort of thing can progress.

[Courtney]

They will.

[Renee]

Yeah, so I, I completely agree. That's a huge red flag. I think a big red flag for me about female friendships is somebody, it kind of links to my last point, somebody who gossips too much and somebody who doesn't honor other people's privacy. Right. So like, if I have this information about my friend, even if I know you're their friend, I'm not going to bring up their business to you like that because I don't know if you know. Do you know what I mean? And so I don't want to be the one to be like, did you hear about. Do you get what I mean? Now let's not act Holier than Dao. We like to gist.

[Courtney]

Yeah, we do.

[Renee]

If you come from a family like mine, the rumors be spreading. However, I think, I think if you are known as the.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

If you are the lady whistledown of your friendship group, you need to be reprimanded. That's a big not the edition order. The new edition is out. Hot off the press. This person is cheating. This person is stealing. This person is ugly. This in everybody's business by your own literally. I think now. Okay, but knowledge is fine.

[Courtney]

No, don't kill me because I'd be.

[Renee]

Knowing that is knowledge is fine. No, knowledge is fine. It's the spreading of the information that to me is a problem because it lets me know my information is not safe with you. And so immediately you've now closed off the level of intimacy we can get to. Because I will not be vulnerable with you. If that makes sense. If I know that you are a yapper like I. No matter the circumstance or the environment you're in. You're in church today. Happy birthday.

[Courtney]

Can you imagine?

[Renee]

Can't even honor the presence of the Lord. Jeez, just like pray for your neighbor. I can't even give you a prayer point. I can't even give you a prayer point. Cuz it will become a tabloid.

[Courtney]

No. Do you know how real that is?

[Renee]

That's what I mean.

[Courtney]

Somebody will pray for you and then all of a sudden your prayer is broadcasted.

[Renee]

So how can we be friends? How can we be friends? No.

[Courtney]

Do you know how real that is?

[Renee]

Yeah. So I. I feel like if your friend is a gossiper, like not even a gossiper, a gossip. Do you know when people say like that person is a gossip, A fountain of gossip. Just simple as the character. That is so funny to me, it's a no. Because it hinders my ability to be transparent with you.

[Courtney]

Oh my God.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Oh my God. That's a great point. Sorry. That is so funny. Have you ever had that experience where it's like you tell somebody something and then you find out from somebody else your business?

[Renee]

No. You know, so. No, that has never happened to me. But I just, I see situations where I'm like, you are telling me all of this information about somebody else. There is no way I'm gonna be immune to your proclivity to that. Like there's no way that you won't then sit down with Renee and tell my business. So I'm just gonna close my lip away.

[Courtney]

The key, if you will.

[Renee]

Close my lip. How are you? Completely fine.

[Courtney]

I'm well, how's your family?

[Renee]

I don't even have places.

[Courtney]

I don't even have a home.

[Renee]

Yeah. Yeah. So that's mine. I love big red flag.

[Courtney]

That's a huge red flag.

[Renee]

Big red flag.

[Courtney]

Huge red flag. I guess not necessarily an opposite, but related. In your red flag, you have somebody that's always in the middle of people's business.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

This red flag for me is when you are unwilling to stay in business that's your own. So with, like, your friends, if you're constantly running away from tough times or tough issues with your friend, that is a red flag, I think. And this is speaking from someone that is a recovering. Was it fearful, anxious, Avoidant. Avoidant. There we go. Avoidant Attachment style. When things get tough or things get uncomfortable or awkward, you run, you flee. You say, I'm just cutting off a friend because I can't deal with this.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Thinking that the issue is your friend doing too much or your friend pushing your buttons. And don't get me wrong, there is cause for you to, you know, shut down and run away, but those are often the extremities. And I think we don't often extend a lifeline to our friends.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

We just run away and think about ourselves.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And that's a massive red flag because friendships are actually hard and they require work.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

If I run away every single time I feel upset, I feel sad, I feel depressed, even I feel angry. You will not have friends. You actually not have friends. I think we always expect to be happy with our friends. And there will be seasons of toughness in friendship that I think people do not realize, especially for lifelong friendships or sisterhood even. Just think about, like, your real life sister, your blood sister. The seasons that we go with with our family, people that are related to us. There are seasons where my sisters, I love them, but I don't like them.

[Renee]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[Courtney]

And I think we need to remember that we go through those seasons with our sisters, too. We go through those seasons with our friends, too, and we have to persevere. You cannot run away when things get tough.

[Renee]

Facts.

[Courtney]

Because, I mean, again, what does it say about friends and brothers in the Bible? It's when it's literally in the time of adversity that our brother is born. The same for sisters like it is in that moment, seeing it as an opportunity to say, okay, cool, we've hit a difficulty. We hit a roadblock here. Am I going to just turn around and run away and drive away? Are we going to go full steam against this blockade and get over the hump.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And more time than often, we as women need to stay the course and get over the hump. Get over yourself. Get over yourself. Sometimes. Listen, the pride that can come with it as well. Oftentimes getting over tough times requires you to leave your pride at the door. Like, you were actually really, really prideful about this particular moment. You thought this person could never hurt you. You thought you could never hurt this person. And rather than deal with the situation, you're running away. Don't run. Why are you running? Stop running. I think it's a massive red flag because I think that also translates into other areas of your life where you are constantly running away from difficulties. The difficulties are there for a reason. They're there for your character. They're there to help you build resilience and they're there to help you be a better friend.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Like, there is so much strength in being able to process difficult emotions even when they are directed to somebody that you love or when they're directed towards you. Oftentimes we can't stand to conceive of ourselves as being capable of being bad people. Sometimes you have to sit with the fact that you are bad. You're a bad friend right now in this season, or you're a bad sister right now in this season. But there's still hope if you stay the course. Don't run away.

[Renee]

Yeah, I hear that. I hear that. But I think there's also on the flip side of that, having to be somebody who can receive that correction and also having to be someone who isn't scared to do that confrontation work. Because I think for a lot of people as well, when they hear, when they want to cut off, it's not just because this friendship is becoming too hard, but also maybe they're avoiding unnecessary confrontation where it's like, no, you need to tell that person that, like, they've really hurt you. You can't ghost your way out of this situation and just let the friendship fizzle. Like, nah, there's actually a knife in your back and you need to go to the person who put in there and ask them to take that out and help you to recover that pain. So I think it's also that, like, you can't just keep ducking out of relationships because maybe you're afraid of.

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[Renee]

Yeah.

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[Renee]

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[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

If you don't. No. But sometimes I'm trying to think of it more sympathetically because I think for some people it's not even just a running. It's more so like, I just want to seek safety and I can't bring myself to confront this person. I can't bring myself to maybe open up myself to the wound of them telling me maybe they don't care or not owning what they did to me. Like, I, I think of it in the sense of like, if you've ever gone to someone, you're like, okay, you did this, this. And they're like, no, I didn't.

[Courtney]

And it's like, whoa, oh, not the gaslight.

[Renee]

Do you get what I mean? Or it's like, okay, I did that. And what it's like, well, I came here for, you know, solace and for us to find closure, and now it's not there. And I think that kind of pain can make people of, like you said, avoidant as well. Where it's like, I don't, I don't want to go back to face another rejection. I don't want to go back to face another, maybe lie or manipulation. And so I'm just going to back out as well. So I think if you are the sort of person who's become avoided because of fear as well, be careful of that. Like at some point, like you're saying about the character refinement, at some point in your friendships, you are going to have to become bold. You are going to, especially as you personally develop as well. You're going to have to advocate for yourself. And sometimes the arena for advocacy is in your friendships. And so you can't just, oh, they didn't honor my boundaries, so now I'm backing out. No, you have to say, these are my boundaries. You know, honor it. And some people don't. They don't like that.

[Courtney]

They don't like that. Not the confrontational type even that, though. We need to break that off, people. Man. This whole. I'm not a confrontational type.

[Renee]

I stay saying it. I stay saying it, like, especially when I hear it from women. Like, I'm not the confrontational type. I'm not the. Yes, you should be. Literally confront. Because if you don't, you never grow the boldness and the confidence that you so desire. Like, you're always going to be running around in circles, and you'll always get back to this point, and it will, like you said, it will translate from your friendships to your relationships to your family to your workplace. You're unable to advocate for yourself. Like, that's a core skill. We all need confront, Confront.

[Courtney]

And also, it stops you from living the life that you actually want to live. How many of us are preventing ourselves from actually doing things that we enjoy or advocating for ourselves or living a life that is actually true to our values because we won't confront the demons that are in our way?

[Renee]

That part. That part.

[Courtney]

Let it go.

[Renee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Courtney]

Obviously, practice.

[Renee]

Yeah. And it's healthy doing it in a healthy way. I think when people hear confrontation, the reason why they lean away from it, especially in the arena of friendships, is it just sounds like, oh, we're gonna fight.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

No, not every confrontation is a fight. Like, sometimes it's just a conversation. Sometimes it's a I disagree or, you know, this hurt me, and I just want to bring it up. And there's always ways to communicate, you know, pad it a little bit. Yeah. I really love our friendship. I want this to continue, but when this happens, if this keeps happening. So I'm presenting it that we need to fix that, you know, that is so funny. That's it. That's how they give feedback.

[Courtney]

That's called an ish sandwich.

[Renee]

Yeah, we got it padded up, but.

[Courtney]

Make sure the main meat is in the middle.

[Renee]

You got to get it in there. Yeah, sorry. That makes me think around the issue.

[Courtney]

I can't remember what meme it was, but, like, when you get a sandwich with, like, Nothing inside. And it's just padding.

[Renee]

Padding.

[Courtney]

Make sure that it's not just padding. You're just eating.

[Renee]

You need to convey the actual point, the meat.

[Courtney]

But, yeah, that's my point. What is your next.

[Renee]

I think this is actually my last one. I think my last one is somebody who is inconsistent in their character and love towards you. I think someone who, one day they're your friend, one day they're not your friend, one day they're talking to you, next day they're not talking to you. What kind of emotional term?

[Courtney]

What are you going through?

[Renee]

Yeah. Right now, like, I think it's about making sure people. And it's not to say every day is going to be the same for everyone. Mood swings happen, especially as women. Like, time of the month.

[Courtney]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Renee]

Different life seasons. Some. Some extra. What do they call it? Like, external problems outside of your friendship. It could be work stress, could be family stress. It could be marriage stress. It could be whatever. But there is a level of inconsistent character that makes you really wonder. I never know what I'm going to get with you. And either you need to tell me what's at the root of that so we can deal with, is it mental health? Is it mental health? Because if it's mental health, I can stand with you and support that. Do you get what I mean? But what I can't support is this turbulent relationship and this turbulent friendship. I'll tell a story. I remember somebody was like, oh. Was telling a friend of mine, I really want to be friends with Courtney. And it feels like everyone can get really close to Courtney but me. And so my friend gave me that feedback and was like, oh, I know someone who really wants to be your friend. I was like, oh, my gosh.

[Courtney]

Who?

[Renee]

Back it up. And they were like, oh, this person. And no, relax. They weren't trying to be my position. Oral spirit. I reject that over you.

[Courtney]

Okay.

[Renee]

Amen. I am my own person. Can't get close. That's so funny. No. Okay. Not like they wanted to be my best friend. They just wanted to enter into a dimensional friendship. And it always felt like things between us were just a bit awkward. And so it was just like, let's just remain acquaintances. So my friend came to me. I know somebody who wants to be a friend. And I was like, who is it? There was, like, this person. I was like, I can't be that person's friend. And the reason why we haven't grown close is because I never know what I'm gonna get from her. There Are. And it's not that I haven't tried to be her friend. It's that sometimes, even when I've initiated a gesture of friendship, I get a reaction that says, I don't want to be your friend. Now I'm hearing from you, she wants to be my friend. What is the truth? What is the truth?

[Courtney]

Can you clarify?

[Renee]

There's a level of consistency you need to show people to let them know they will be safe. Safe in friendship with you. Like, it's different to be like, today, course I'm having a bad day, but are you okay than to. I've had some. That. That same person, literally, there was a day out, I was like, oh, hey, girl, how are you? And they looked me in my face like, I don't have time for this right now. I said, jeez. I said, whoa. So then when my friend came to me was like, this person wants to be your friend. I said, I would have never. Th. I would have never thought. Because when I saw them last time, they were acting like they didn't have the time of day for me. So I feel like if you want to be a friend, you have to show yourself friendly.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And some people wonder, like, why don't I have friends? You're not friendly. And it's not that you can't be friendly, because I've seen you in. Not specifically this person, but, like, more generally, I've seen you in instances when you've been friendly. Yeah.

[Courtney]

So why is it that then the.

[Renee]

Next day I see you acting like Cruella de Vil? What do you want? I want to be your friend. I want to be a friend. Like, you can't. Because. Because what that sometimes indicates is if we do enter into friendship, I'm going to be doing all the work. Yeah. I'm constantly going to have to, like, mold myself around you and what I'm going to get that day. And I'm going to be walking on eggshells. Like, I don't want that from a friendship or from a sisterhood or in my time of need. Are you going to be there for me or is it dependent on how you're feeling? Like, I don't know if I can trust you. That's literally what it is. I don't know if I can trust you. And so, alas, show yourself consistent in your love and your character. And like I said, it doesn't mean you have to be perfect every day. But there are some things that I will do to you that you'll be like. Or somebody can say to you about me. And you'll be like, that doesn't sound like cooling at all. And that's because I've built a track record of consistent character. It doesn't mean I don't have bad days. But, like, there are genuinely certain things you'll hear about me. Or I'll hear about you and be like, that is out of character completely. That doesn't sound like my friend, this person. I believe anything everyone says. She stole your bag. I believe it. She baked you a cake. Okay. Everything under the sun. That one I can believe.

[Courtney]

Because that's so funny.

[Renee]

I don't know this person.

[Courtney]

I don't think she knows.

[Renee]

So, yeah, that's what I.

[Courtney]

That is so funny. It's so serious. But it's so funny.

[Renee]

It seems. But I think sometimes we don't realize we're doing it. Yeah, we don't realize we're doing it. I think that's why, especially on your personal development journey, just on your own, you have to get an anchor of your emotions.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Like so many things will throw you left, right and center. Hormones, life, circumstances, all of that stuff. But there needs to be an anchor in. Even if it's just maturity in your communication. Because even if it's a thing of today, I'm not feeling like myself. I'm just angry. I'm on rage. As soon as. Even if you just communicate that today is not the day, Today is not that I love you, but baby, if you say one more word to me, I'll punch you in your face. At least there is a self awareness that lets me know one thing I could count on. She knows what she's going through.

[Courtney]

Not Rocky.

[Renee]

One thing I know, she knows what she's going through. Even, like sometimes, you know, there are some people who, you know, that person is bad.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Like actual, like wearing, like you can see, like that crazy. But they know they're crazy. That's a friend. That's a good friend. If you're also a crazy person. Because I know one thing I would trust about this person.

[Courtney]

They're gonna move mad, they're gonna move.

[Renee]

Consistent. But at least do you know what I mean? Because you know what? That's the faithful person you call on when you're in a fight. You get what I mean? Because now I know I can call on. And you're so up with the madness that I need. Do you get. But if you one day you're Mary Poppins, the next year, what do I need, a daddy for my kids or a boxing partner? You Know I need consistency, so I just know where to put. Place you in my life, that's all.

[Courtney]

Do you feel like you've got Rocky Balbos in your life right now? Enough.

[Renee]

I feel like I am more of the Rocky in my friends and I'm fine to hold it. Whoa.

[Courtney]

I think you are. Not that I.

[Renee]

No, no, no, no, no. But today, the way you said that saying, like, I fight people.

[Courtney]

I don't think you're coming to box anybody. Please. You're a reformed person.

[Renee]

You believe in Jesus.

[Courtney]

But I think in terms of calling someone to defend.

[Renee]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Courtney]

Even recently, it wasn't on you. I was like, courtney, I got a wild proposition from somebody. I need your thoughts on this because they're moving. I think they're moving bad. And I think you're an excellent defender.

[Renee]

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I just think consistency in character is good. So you know where to place people in your life.

[Courtney]

I love that.

[Renee]

But inconsistent character. Yeah. Now he's very scary. Very scary.

[Courtney]

Word to that person that wanted to do. Sorry.

[Renee]

Yeah. You know what? God bless their heart. But they had work to do. Yeah. No on themselves. How about you, though?

[Courtney]

Yeah. My last point is my red. My last red flag, rather, would be anybody that does not extend grace and friendships. Your friend will not be the same person that they were five years ago as they are today.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

We all go through changes. Things happen to us. We go through grief, we experience loss, we have massive wins. Our life changes drastically. Drastically. And I think sometimes it can be so tempting to put our friends in boxes. This is my friend Courtney, who's going to be like this forever. And whilst there will be consistency in your character, whilst there will be consistency in your values, you will change.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And giving people permission to change as they develop is important as a friend and give them grace. Because sometimes we don't change perfectly. We don't transform perfectly. Like, our life is going to be hard. So when your friend is going through a particularly turbulent time, rather than think, oh, she's not showing up as a friend, think about the fact that she's going through a rough time. And I love what you were saying about maturity and communication, because more. More often than not, it is about prioritizing communication. But in the moments that your friend is not able to do that, extend grace. You know, from her track record that she probably doesn't mean it, and having the opportunity to then talk about it with her afterwards, great, do that. But there will be some seasons where you have to extend grace to your friend. And there will also be some seasons where grace needs to be extended to you. In the times where you don't have the same emotional regulation because something has thrown you off kilter. In the times that you don't have the mental capacity or fortitude to sit with your friend and go through her issues like you did last time because you are currently sinking, or the times where you are unable to go out with your friend because you're broke right now. And that is traumatic. We need to talk about that more. Poverty is actually a very traumatic experience. But knowing that you need to extend grace and that grace needs to be extended to you during such times, especially as women, because we go through so much change, we need grace. And we've spoken about it in our book before, but this whole idea of the superwoman complex, you know, we want to be putting our friends on a pedestal, and we ourselves want to also be on a pedestal. Sometimes you need to step off more time. You need to step off. Friends are not these idols or trophies that you put that you take off every time you need something. Friends are actually dynamic human beings that are going through really, really rough times. And we need the grace. We need the grace. So if you are not prepared to extend grace to your friend when they have done something to annoy you, they've done just something is going on, or they're going through a season of hardship, I don't think you're ready to even be a friend. Well, that part you're not ready to have. In fact, relationships are often built on grace. Yeah, whole relationships are built on grace.

[Renee]

Yeah, I completely agree.

[Courtney]

And we need to have a true understanding of grace to really understand how much we need it, but also how much we need to extend it. We need to extend grace. That's good, because imagine the pressure that's often built up, again, as women to show up as a friend or, you know, again, the ideas around friendship that we want our friends to fulfill is sometimes it's too much. Lower it. We can have high standards for our friendships, but sometimes we need to lower our expectations a little bit. A little funny. A little bit. Ah, your friend that just gave birth, you're expecting her to show up in the same way that she did. She has a dependent.

[Renee]

Yeah, that's tough. Yeah.

[Courtney]

Especially if they're going through something that you don't have any clue or experience in is tough.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Extend grace. Be quick to extend grace. And no one is saying that you should be a pushover, because I think there's a balance yeah, right, Exactly. If you find yourself, and we've spoken about it across this episode, but if you find yourself in a place where you're constantly the friend that's doing the most work, then, okay, there's cause for you to think. Okay, yeah, there's a bit of an issue here, but if you're going through a season where you know your friend is down bad, this is your opportunity to help her up. She's down bad. Pick her up.

[Renee]

Pick her up. That's really good. I like that.

[Courtney]

So, yeah, that would be my last point.

[Renee]

I love that rogue point here. Well, it's not a point, actually. It's a question. I've been seeing a lot of digital discourse. Yeah. Around friends that are bad texters.

[Courtney]

Right.

[Renee]

This is kind of red flag. Kind of. Not really, but it's. It's kind of anchored in this conversation around why is our generation so bad at Community? And a lot of people are like, you're bad texting. Your slow replies is why you're bad friendships. I wanted to ask your opinion on that because I was thinking about this the other day because I saw a video from our friend Tiana Aromi.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I was like, oh, she's made a video on this. But then I also saw a video from Tony Tone, who was talking about it from the perspective of someone being a bad textile. Who is a bad textile. And I was like, why is our generation hooked on this point? So I wanted to hear your thoughts on whether you think a red flag or like a big hindrance in a friendship is being a bad texter.

[Courtney]

I actually don't think so. Not at all. As someone that can sometimes be a bad texter, like, don't get me wrong, I do enjoy texting and communication, but it's not my preferred means of communication. I don't think that means I'm a bad communicator. It just means that it's not my preference. I can understand that. There are probably some people that love texting. They love that I'm on my phone, I'm pressing my buttons, I'm getting a response. Dopamine here.

[Renee]

Love it.

[Courtney]

And I'm quick. But as somebody that actually prefers phone calls, FaceTimes in persons, I just. I really don't enjoy texting as much as I do these other forms of communications. So I don't necessarily think it's fair to call someone a bad communicator just because they don't necessarily prioritize texting. However, I do think that if you are friends with someone that does prefer text as a form of communication. There is a space where compromise can be made, right? It can be that, okay, I don't necessarily enjoy texting, but because we're very close, we can agree to half of the time we may call, and then half of the time we may text, depending on both of our seasons, depending on where we're at. But as long as there's also an awareness of both parties, his preferred form of communication, and there is mutual effort made by both people to try and bridge this gap, then I think it's fine. But I don't think it's fair to just out of, you know, all guns blazing, you've got to be a good texter to be a good friend. Because we are all built differently and we're all wired differently and we respond differently to different things. And I think texting is a relatively nouveau thing when it comes to communicating. Back in the day, you had to, you know, put your $1 or something or your pound or whatever inside the phone bill to be speaking to someone on the phone. As equally as somebody can be a bad texter. Someone might be bad at picking up the phone as equally as somebody is bad at picking up the phone. You know, somebody. I hate FaceTime. Why are you looking at my face all the time? You know what I mean? There's some people that you'll FaceTime, then all you'll see is a black screen. You'll hear their voice, but just a black screen. And you're like, I've called you because I want to see your face. And they're like, baby, I have not got a face to show you today because I. I'm looking washed out.

[Renee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Courtney]

So I really do think it is about communicating preferences and trying to bridge the gap as much as possible as opposed to thinking or assuming that, oh, this person is just a bad friend or a bad communicator because they're not as proficient in my form of communication.

[Renee]

That's really good.

[Courtney]

But what do you think?

[Renee]

That's really good. No, I completely agree with you. I think, one, it comes down to preferred means of communication. But also, too, I've been seeing a lot of people be like, the reason why I'm bad at texting is because I get really overwhelmed by text. And then people's response to that is, what do you mean? It's just a couple texts. It'll take you 30 seconds. Shut your dirty mouth. First of all, I need to be in the headspace to reply to you. Number two, I can't Text and walk. I don't. I barely walk in a straight line. I'm in troubling. It's too much, this whole. Oh, it just takes 30 seconds to reply to a text. Maybe one text that just says, are you far away? No. Okay, do you go. I mean, that's a 10 second text. But you messaging me, how are you? Unless you want a general, a generic, superficial, surface level conversation through this text message, I have to actually sit down and be like, hey, sis, I'm good. But last week and yesterday and I'm feeling a bit. Then this is what's going on. And God is telling me if that's the depth of our relationship, that's not a 30 second text. You get what I mean? But also you think it's a 30 second text said because you've texted me. But I also have 436 messages. It's not just you. It's church. Oh, it's the choir group, it's the media group. Lord, it's. It's my partner, it's my mum who decides to text me at two seconds. WhatsApp.

[Courtney]

Call.

[Renee]

What's up? Call. But we all have UK Sims. We all have UK Sims. We're in the same country. Why are you. What's up? Calling. But it's all these different things at the same time. Same time. Also, I'm hearing this is on teams. I'm hearing this zoom link. Renee, can you send me? It's not just your text, it's life. It's actually life. And so when I say I'm overwhelmed, it's because you're not the only person.

[Courtney]

In fact, you're adding.

[Renee]

You're added to my body and so. And my other things. Sorry.

[Courtney]

No, it's good you're feeling this.

[Renee]

Yeah. Because you know what, when I see the videos, I'm like, I'm taking this one person. I hear it because I am a bad texter. Everyone knows I am a bad texter. If you text me, like, honestly, the quickest way you'll get a response from me is if it's about work.

[Courtney]

I think we need to reframe it though. In terms of bad, what constitutes as bad?

[Renee]

Oh, sit, Internet, Renee. Speak up for me, advocate for me.

[Courtney]

Bad, bad text.

[Renee]

Because I will text you back. Sometimes I don't.

[Courtney]

Yeah, to put out my hands and.

[Renee]

Say, sometimes I date. But when I do, I do. And I always text back and I'm like, let's meet up. Because I'm a good. Jade said this on her episode. I'm A good in person friend. Because one thing people will be able to say about me, though, and this is the reason why I don't reply to text quick. When I'm with you, I'm with you. You will not see me on my phone. I despise when I'm with somebody.

[Courtney]

And.

[Renee]

And it's because they're trying to keep up with all of these 7 million texts. And I feel like it's because it doesn't allow you to build a depth of relationship. I don' like you're paying attention in this season. And I think what people need to hear when I'm saying this is, this isn't a universal experience, but when you are somebody who is maintaining several different relationships and when I say several, I'm not just talking about seven, I'm talking about 70. Like the other day when I was making this wedding guest list. Had to make a guest list of close friends.

[Courtney]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Renee]

I got down to a list of 190 people of close friends. This isn't acquaintances. This isn't professional. These are people I even consider. If I'm in need, I can call them. Do you know how hard it is to manage a hundred and something daily text messages? Let's be serious. Call me on the phone.

[Courtney]

Hello, good morning. Hello, good morning. Hello, good morning.

[Renee]

My pet peeve is it's not a pet peeve. Obviously. This is how text communication works. I'll message you. You've now replied, bro, I just cleared all of my unread messages. And now you're replying, why are you on your fur?

[Courtney]

And you're quick and you know when you've like, like texted them back and then you move, you shut the app, but you see the notification, that person has messaged you.

[Renee]

And now you think I'm online. Now you think I'm online because I just sent you a reply, but I'm on one person. The 136 ticket. Like, no, guys, honestly, do you know.

[Courtney]

How funny that is?

[Renee]

If you want to reach me, I always tell people, yeah, if you want to reach me and you've texted me, you didn't want to reach me. I always say it. You didn't actually give yourself yourself a chance. Call my number. Bling my life.

[Courtney]

We might have to do a whole episode on like, communication Best the worst forms of communication.

[Renee]

I'm not a texter and I like. I like what you said. Ask your friend their preference. I know there are some people, like, Callie, you say you like calls, but when they call, you don't pick up because you're not the only person. I just told you my mom's WhatsApp calling me.

[Courtney]

I think it's also managing expectations because people think that they are entitled to your time immediately.

[Renee]

Sorry, this is another big, big. No, this is another big, big. It's entitlement. It's actually entitlement. Cuz also, I feel like in this stage of life, maybe it's a hot take and I'll come to the other side of this in a second. Maybe it's a hot take. We should all be hustling and grinding. I don't have time to be spending three hours on the phone with you. I can't do that with everybody. I can't. So let's put in our quarterly brunch and you know. And that works because you'll get to know about my life.

[Courtney]

Exactly. And I have updates for you.

[Renee]

But my grudge is when people are like, oh, but this is what's stopping our generation from building community. I don't think so. Because I think the quality of your relationships cannot be measured by how much you text somebody. Now, I'm not the. I'm not an advocate for, like, oh, such a low maintenance friendship. And we haven't seen messaged or pulled for like two years. But when we meet up, it's like nothing to happen. It's like we're picking up where we left off. She had a baby where you left off. I was a different person.

[Courtney]

I don't even live in the same.

[Renee]

Country, thank you very much. So I don't. I don't believe in that. However, I do think depths of relationship is, how are you really? What's going on beneath the surface? What are your goals? What are your progress? Like, what is your place? What are you struggling with? How can I pray for you? Or like, yes, I will shoot you a text here and there. A lot of my friends, I'll send you, hey, just thought of you. How are you?

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Do you know what I mean? And I'll catch up on that point. But constant communication, like, you send me memes all the time. How many of them do I get?

[Courtney]

Truly? And you know what? It's not even that. Oh, I'm expecting Courtney to see this. You might see it next week.

[Renee]

Thank you.

[Courtney]

And that's okay. And I'll laugh when I say, there you go.

[Renee]

Because I'm present. My mind could get round.

[Courtney]

I'm like, yeah, I have to scroll up. Because Abby said that I have to scroll up. Why is she laughing at.

[Renee]

Oh, yeah, that was funny.

[Courtney]

But I think it's that managing expectations and entitlement. So for example, for me, I'm more of a cool person if you actually want to speak to me because even this whole in person situations, I can't get expensive. Yeah, it's getting expensive. This whole coffee catch up. It might have to be virtual where we do a zoom. You have your coffee, I have mine waiting our house. If you call me and I don't pick up, I will get back to you when I get back to you. Usually it's within the next like 12 to 24 hours. Be happy with that. I think we actually need to get more comfortable with being explicit about expectation management because it's that, it's that entitlement to instant access of people. Leave it alone and stop getting offended. You can't have me now. You'll get me eventually. Yeah, but you can't have me now.

[Renee]

And when you can be, it will be good and it'll be good your whole time. And I think it's also like you said, it's not. Not taking it personally. I understand why people are like, girl, I messaged you like three weeks.

[Courtney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you haven't responded.

[Renee]

Call me out, send me that side eye emoji. Hey, I'm messaging you. That's completely fine. I think it can be a point of hahaha. You know, But I think when people take it so deep where it's like the one thing I really hate is, oh, you didn't text me back, but you also haven't tried to call me. And I get it. Like I get the whole, but you didn't text me back. Why? If I called you, would you at least give me the benefit of the doubt to be like, maybe you're overwhelmed. Text messages. I also feel like, especially knowing our line of work. Sorry, I really haven't. I had a deal.

[Courtney]

Something.

[Renee]

Yeah, no, because people love to fling this around. So. Okay, personally, and you could correct me, I think I'm a really good friend and I would hate if my, my value as a community member in someone's life was marked by the fact that I didn't respond to their message. It wasn't even like a really important message. It was just a. I want to talk to Courtney. And I completely understand where that's coming from. I understand why people would feel some type of way. But I think to make it a reach as to why, like, like if you didn't respond to somebody's message or if you, you aren't a constant textile, you're a bad friend. I think that's a really. Because you can be a very valuable community member and know that you show up for people in different ways. And for me it is about that benefit of the doubt point. And what I was going to say is especially when you know your friend's line of work.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

For me, as someone who's like, especially when you're like self employed, the, the, the, the lines are blurred a lot. Right. Like your professional acquaintances are auto to some degree your friends and so they have your number. For a lot of people their workplace, they don't have your personal line. You even have two phones. For a lot of us, our work phone is our main phone. Our friends are calling us about work.

[Courtney]

Hello, can you. Oh, I just wanted to catch up.

[Renee]

In working hours on my work phone. Doesn't make sense. Do you know what I mean? But for a lot of people, especially now with like portfolio careers and emerging industries and let's just take social media as an example.

[Courtney]

Exactly, exactly.

[Renee]

You can get overwhelmed because so many different people have access to the same channels of communication. So if you're like, oh, Courtney, you're my friend and I sent you a dm. You and a million other people.

[Courtney]

Oh, like that DM one grinds my gift because I don't open emails.

[Renee]

How did you expect me to see that? But it's like, guys, think about it. Think about what's on the other side of this. My inbox isn't clean and do you want to see how many emails I have?

[Courtney]

The worst one is I see you've posted on social media but you haven't responded.

[Renee]

Do you want to know where your message is? Down in the bottom of this inbox. Like I can't because your important message of Courtney comes to my baby shower is now next to somebody laughing at the fact that I just posted our lactose intolerant. It's not giving, it's not giving the same level. There's no balance in this inbox. So don't do that.

[Courtney]

And also, oh man, I love that point because it's. Why would you DM me an invite to you?

[Renee]

You didn't try.

[Courtney]

You DM me.

[Renee]

You didn't try. Now you're mad at me. But you were wrong. Why would you. And also my number. Oh, you don't.

[Courtney]

Oh, and that should say something. Oh, that should say something. And also, maybe it's because I lack shame, but when it comes to my friends, if I actually want their attention, I'll call you again.

[Renee]

Oh, that's. That's a good point.

[Courtney]

I will bring up the message if it's really important. Oh, one thing about me.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Even when it comes to RSVPs and stuff like that, I would be follow up. I will follow up. It's literally on my calendar to follow up with you if you ain't answered.

[Renee]

And I know to somebody this is gonna sound really arrogant and pompous. Like this whole conversation sounds like I can just see the comment now. It's just texting. It's not that deep. Just text your friend back. It is.

[Courtney]

It really is. It's one that we're even managing. Even our parents Shah family.

[Renee]

It's a lot. You know, they get replies from me. Actually. I can't lie to you. I hear that my parents. Because they're old. If you're feeling you could have broken your head.

[Courtney]

I also do feel like their communication is different. So for example, my mom calling me 100%.

[Renee]

What is that about?

[Courtney]

100.

[Renee]

What is that about?

[Courtney]

And because of the fact that it's a WhatsApp call and I don't get that often, I always think it's urgent because I'm like, why would you call me on WhatsApp?

[Renee]

But also it's like, it's a hierarchy thing. Right. Those are my parents. Like, I'm gonna. I will not hear the end of this if I keep ignoring my 100%. So even if I'm. You should hear me on the phone to what's. I've even got the phone. Yes, mom, how are you? Okay. I'm working now. Okay. Call me. Okay.

[Courtney]

I also think it's reciprocated, though, because if I called my mom and she doesn't pick up, I'm like, is she.

[Renee]

Absolutely.

[Courtney]

What's happened? Have you.

[Renee]

You've gone missing.

[Courtney]

You've gone missing. And she'll be like, I was just doing this. I was like, no, you can't. First daughter, you have not answered.

[Renee]

Absolutely. Absolutely. But let somebody else go. Bye. Bye. My mom will look at the fellow bit.

[Courtney]

I can't.

[Renee]

We need to get back into that habit and that behavior. And I think sometimes we. We forget. Like you said, this is a very new thing.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Like text messaging for all your friends. Have an instant access to before people start to come to your house.

[Courtney]

But that's why people only had a maximum of like four friends.

[Renee]

We even.

[Courtney]

Even this whole. We have too many.

[Renee]

That's it.

[Courtney]

We have too many that lack depth.

[Renee]

And the thing is, it's like with the close ones, there are some people. Dare I Say who get daily responses from me multiple thousand than there are others 100%. Not because I don't value you as a person but because we're not that.

[Courtney]

Close and I have limits.

[Renee]

I have to prioritize times over the small time. I have these messages.

[Courtney]

Maybe we need to go back to back in the day where people only had four or five friends and that's actually okay fulfilling relationships. Cuz now you have like 300 friends. Are you going to show up for 300 people? You can't.

[Renee]

Apparently some people are doing it.

[Courtney]

It's to. Oh, show us the. Where's the PDF, where's the receipt? Where's the ebook?

[Renee]

Where are the.

[Courtney]

Let me download it. I'll sign up to your newsletter.

[Renee]

I also not read. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just think we need to like you said, manage our expectations.

[Courtney]

Manage our expectations. Well, we have fast come to the end of this episode.

[Renee]

We have indeed.

[Courtney]

Sisters, we hope that you have enjoyed this episode. Please, please, please leave a comment below. What do you think are some of the red flags that we might have missed out on? Make sure you let us know. And whilst we're doing that, you should probably sign up to our main shout out to all of the sisters that got their ticket to our Live in London dinner party. We literally posted those things and those things left.

[Renee]

Yeah, immediately.

[Courtney]

So if you want to stay up to date with the latest TMS events, make sure you sign up [e-mail] and make sure you follow us on all social media forums at to my sisterhood on literally Every everything. Instagram, TikTok X, LinkedIn. You can find us pretty much everywhere. And whilst you're doing that, make sure you follow my lovely bestie at CD Barteng. Don't text her, just follow her and come and follow me over at Renee.

[Renee]

That's hilarious. Well, we hope that you've enjoyed this episode. Make sure you subscribe to our YouTube channel if you have or you can follow the podcast on any streaming platform. And whilst you're doing that, rate it five stars period. You love it and we love it. All right, well until our next episode, it could just be us, it could be a guest, whatever. You get what you'll manage. Amen. So yeah, we'll see you soon. And as always, keep glowing and growing.

[Courtney]

Foreign.

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