Becoming a Confident Woman: Overcoming Low Self-Esteem, Perfectionism & Imposter Syndrome

Summary

Podcast Summary: “Becoming a Confident Woman: Overcoming Low Self-Esteem, Perfectionism & Imposter Syndrome”

Podcast Information

• Title: To My Sisters
• Hosts: Courtney Daniella Boateng & Renée Kapuku
• Episode: Becoming a Confident Woman: Overcoming Low Self-Esteem, Perfectionism & Imposter Syndrome
• Release Date: December 15, 2024
• Description: Join your online big sisters Courtney and Renee as they delve deeper into the realities of navigating adulthood, sisterhood, and more. To My Sisters is the podcast you needed — promoting holistic wellness, growth, and development of a community of sisters across the globe.

---

1. Introduction to Confidence and Self-Esteem

As the new year approaches, hosts Courtney and Renée set the stage for a deep dive into building confidence amidst societal pressures. Courtney emphasizes the audacity required to pursue personal goals:

Courtney (05:54): "As we approach the new year, many people are going to be penciling down a lot of goals. And the pursuit of your goals requires some audacity."

Renée defines confidence as the internal narrative we hold about ourselves:

Renée (00:39): "Confidence is the story you tell yourself about yourself."

They stress the importance of rooting confidence in self-esteem and identity rather than mere performance.

2. Defining Confidence vs. Pride

A significant portion of the discussion focuses on distinguishing between confidence and pride. Renee articulates confidence as a positive self-narrative, while pride stems from false self-importance and an inability to recognize personal weaknesses.

Renée (09:31): "Confidence is the story you tell yourself about yourself. Pride is when you've decided that you are the be-all-end-all."

Courtney adds that confidence involves assurance in one's presence and contributions without relying solely on personal achievements:

Courtney (13:43): "I think for me, confidence is about this sense of assurance. Right. And My confidence may not be in my ability, but at least it's in the fact that I'm here."

3. Overcoming Perfectionism

The hosts explore the societal and internal pressures that drive women toward perfectionism. Renee links perfectionism to patriarchal norms that objectify women and set unrealistic standards.

Renée (17:46): "The pressure on women to be perfect has come as a result of patriarchy baked into the very fabric of our society."

Courtney highlights the personal toll of striving for perfection and the necessity of embracing imperfection:

Courtney (16:28): "It's okay. It's okay that sometimes you have to collaborate or ask for help as well. It's okay to embrace your humanity."

4. Understanding Imposter Syndrome

Imposter syndrome is dissected as a legitimate feeling, especially for women of color navigating predominantly white or non-inclusive spaces. The hosts discuss how institutional cultures contribute to these feelings.

Renée (31:05): "You are the only black woman. You are the only black is literally our parents."

Courtney emphasizes that overcoming imposter syndrome isn't solely about boosting personal confidence but also challenging and changing the surrounding cultural norms.

5. Navigating Female Friendships

The conversation shifts to the dynamics of female friendships and how competition or intimidation can stifle confidence. Renee offers strategies for women to support each other rather than compete.

Renée (44:14): "If you're truly friends with a lady that you love and vice versa, you should actually be able to correct me if I'm wrong."

Courtney shares a personal anecdote about balancing assertiveness with empathy in relationships:

Courtney (50:45): "I had a fight with my younger sister... I was like, no, this is just me being assertive."

6. Practical Strategies to Build Confidence

The hosts provide actionable advice for women to build and maintain confidence:

• Self-Authorship: Renee discusses crafting a positive self-narrative and co-authoring it with a higher power or supportive community.

  Renée (09:31): "Confidence being the script or the story or the narrative we decide to tell ourselves."

• Risk-Taking and Comfort Zones: Encouraging women to step out of their comfort zones to grow into confident roles.

  Renée (35:27): "Challenging yourself to not just enter into an environment, but get comfortable and make it your home."

• Emotional Intelligence: Courtney underscores the importance of emotional intelligence in navigating relationships and self-expression.

  Courtney (52:56): "It's about emotional intelligence and navigating relationships where you can see, okay, maybe not that I'm talking at a high level..."

7. Cultural and Institutional Barriers

The episode highlights the systemic barriers women face in professional and personal spaces. Renee points out the lack of inclusive cultures that support diverse women:

Renée (32:01): "Recognizing that this culture doesn't accommodate people like me and needs a lot of change."

Courtney agrees, stressing the need for women to navigate these spaces thoughtfully while also advocating for cultural shifts.

8. Conclusion and Call to Action

As the episode wraps up, Courtney and Renée encourage listeners to reflect on their confidence journeys and support each other through genuine, empathetic relationships. They invite listeners to engage with them on social media and submit dilemmas for future discussions.

Courtney (57:36): "Genuinely, as the year comes to an end, we are praying for you that 2025 will be the manifestation of your most confident and assured self."

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Courtney (05:54): "The pursuit of your goals requires some audacity."
• Renée (00:39): "Confidence is the story you tell yourself about yourself."
• Renée (09:31): "Confidence is the script or the story or the narrative we decide to tell ourselves."
• Courtney (13:43): "Confidence is about this sense of assurance... I'm here, and I have something to contribute."
• Renée (17:46): "The pressure on women to be perfect has come as a result of patriarchy baked into the very fabric of our society."
• Renée (31:05): "You are the only black woman."
• Courtney (50:45): "I was like, no, this is just me being assertive."
• Courtney (52:56): "It's about emotional intelligence and navigating relationships."
• Courtney (57:36): "We are praying for you that 2025 will be the manifestation of your most confident and assured self."

---

Final Thoughts

“Becoming a Confident Woman” offers a nuanced exploration of the challenges women face in building and maintaining confidence. Through personal anecdotes, theological insights, and practical advice, Courtney and Renée empower their listeners to embrace their authentic selves, navigate imperfect environments, and foster supportive female relationships. This episode serves as a valuable resource for women seeking to overcome internal and external obstacles to achieve holistic wellness and personal growth.

Transcript

[Unknown Speaker]

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day.

[LinkedIn Advertiser]

Not everyone gets B2B but with LinkedIn you'll be able to reach people who do. Get a hundred dollar credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com results to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn the place to be to be.

[Courtney]

As we approach the new year, many people are going to be penciling down a lot of goals. And the pursuit of your goals requires some audacity.

[Renee]

Confidence is the story you tell yourself about yourself.

[Courtney]

It's really about where we put our self esteem and where we put our identity. Because your confidence cannot be rooted in your performance all the time.

[Renee]

There is such a beauty in acknowledging that you need help because you now give people that love you an opportunity to show up for you.

[Courtney]

Talk to me about the woman who may be stifling her confidence because she feels as though she may intimidate other women.

[Renee]

Oh, hello and welcome to the To My Sisters podcast. I'm Renee.

[Courtney]

And I'm Courtney. And we are your online sisters and hosts of the To My Sisters podcast.

[Renee]

Now we are all about promoting the wellness, growth and development of a community of sisters across the world.

[Courtney]

And in today's episode, we are going to be talking about overcoming imposter syndrome and building confidence in a world that seems to hate confident women.

[Renee]

Haters.

[Courtney]

No, I couldn't.

[Renee]

He said, I'm ready to talk to you heifers today.

[Courtney]

You know what it is because I find that, you know, in the age of women can do it all. As soon as a woman starts moving in her, you know, executive presence and in her full confidence and knowledge of who, who she is, where she's going and a determination to get there. She seems to receive some kind of backlash under the guise of humility and humbling. And I think this is a really important conversation which you wanted to have that you know, we get to platform and I'm glad we get to talk about it with you because I think you are a huge, I think you are a huge embodiment of confidence and what it looks like to work.

[Renee]

I'm getting shy. For a confident babe, I'm getting shy.

[Courtney]

Make us click on the episode. I'm joking, but yeah, I think you are a huge embodiment of what it looks like to be very intentional about cultivating confidence, overcoming insecurities, and also, like navigating social media, the world's definition of success for women as well. And, yeah, helping us through how to optimize our confidence journeys. I think that's definitely your b. Your big bag. So, yeah, let's just. Before we jump straight into. Actually, sorry. Housekeeping. Housekeeping announcements. Let's make sure the house is clean. Sisters, some notice for you. Ghana is happening March 2025, and we want you to be a part of that trip. There are very few spaces left at this point, so if you want to come, I implore you. We implore, hit the link in our description and in the show notes to come with us to Ghana to have a fun, fun girls trip with a couple girls from all around the world who want to do sisterhood and exploration and adventure together in my motherland, Ghana, period.

[Renee]

Courtney and Adjuvant, take Ghana.

[Courtney]

Take Ghana. For real. So, yeah, now it's going to be a really, really good time. We're doing it in collaboration with our travel partners, Sausage Hale, who are going to ensure that it's not only a fun time, but a safe time as well. So you have nothing to worry about. But, yeah, please, if you do want to come with us. I've heard so many of you say, I want to come, I want to come. How do I come? Guys, the application needs to be put in asap, because we do screen everybody. It's not just.

[Renee]

You can just pass, just anybody that will be coming with us.

[Courtney]

So, yeah, to give us enough to actually check that we're putting together the right group of people, please apply asap. And to all the girls who have applied so far and have actually been accepted, cough, cough. I'm talking to you.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Can you start making your payments just to say it's a message from the higher ups?

[Renee]

Yeah, we are.

[Courtney]

We are just a messenger.

[Renee]

We're just aware.

[Courtney]

But, yeah, just so that this whole thing can go smoothly. And also, actually, if you are in Ghana, obviously we're going to be in Ghana the first week of March. If you are in Ghana and you are a podcast, a radio show, just a publication, a women's organization, a community, a church, whatever, and you would love for us to speak, especially given that it is International Women's Month in March, then please do tell us in advance so that we can, you know, organize our schedules and know how long we're going to be in Ghana for.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

So, yeah, if you'd love for us to do something collaboratively, love for us to speak somewhere or just do something in collaboration with your organization. We are all about collaborating communities. So let us know. We will be there. And it's not every day that we're there.

[Renee]

That's true.

[Courtney]

If you want us.

[Renee]

We wish.

[Courtney]

Yeah. Interview us, get us to host something. We are taking every opportunity.

[Renee]

We are every.

[Courtney]

Please, any reason to be in Ghana obviously has to be.

[Renee]

Yeah. Sensible, in alignment with our values. Okay. No seedy, no shady things. We're not supporting the forex traders. Like there's a list of caveats.

[Courtney]

Facts, facts, facts. I think bar that there's nothing super urgent, but Christmas is coming.

[Renee]

Oh yeah, Christmas.

[Courtney]

Christmas is coming. So we hope that you are resting. We hope that you are taking time out to really do your thing. Do your thing, man. Spend time with family, rest, reflect, travel, whatever dirty December girls. Hope you have shaking a leg.

[Renee]

Yeah, safe on behalf of all of us. Save time there. Watch your drinks.

[Courtney]

But yeah, whilst we have many things to announce, we do want to get into the juiciness of the conversation because as we approach the new year, many people are going to be penciling down a lot of goals. And the pursuit of your goals requires some audacity.

[Renee]

Yeah, they do.

[Courtney]

And comfort. Absolutely. So for you, Renee.

[Renee]

Yes, ma'am.

[Courtney]

What does confidence look like and how do we balance that fine line between confidence and arrogance? Because often times in the face of a woman building her confidence, there is this seems to be temptation that people don't can't resist to kind of remind her you're not all that or you know, kind of bring yourself down a little bit. Right. And I think that's because under the guise of, we don't want people to be moving around in arrogance. Right. And in pride, which can often be dangerous to friendships and relationships and our interpersonal relationships. Right. And community building like pride is a big thing that we identify as killing a lot of the relationships that we have in our life. So what is the fine line between confidence and pride? And how do the two differentiate? And what do they look like?

[Renee]

That's such a beautiful question. I think the first thing that came to mind in terms of defining confidence, confidence is the story you tell yourself about yourself. Right. So that's why people can have low self confidence confidence or high self confidence. Low self confidence is when you have written a story in your mind about yourself, your capabilities, your capacity to do certain things and the underpinning tone message phrase is inferiority. Whereas high self confidence is when you have written a story in your mind in which you have recognized that you are somebody that believes in themselves, you have recognized that you have certain strengths, gifts and talents that can be utilized for good. That's high self confidence. So confidence being the script or the story or the narrative we decide to tell ourselves. And I think it's important for it to be a story because it means that there is an authorship to that story. As a Christian, I believe in two authors. I believe in co authoring. I think it's a beautiful thing. And as somebody that's actually gone through the process of co authoring, I realized that it becomes easier to write a story that you've co authored because you're actually relying on somebody else to provide the story for you as well. So in terms of the bits that you are responsible for, it really is about deciding what you want to decide what you want to believe about yourself. Right. Like based on, you know, the strengths, the weaknesses, the things that you have, the things that you care about, the things that you desire, what story can you craft about yourself that's actually positive? And what story can you craft about yourself that you can go back to when things get hard or challenging or difficult? And that, in a way, is how you develop confidence. I think sometimes we see confidence as something that's really true, tricky to do and hard and challenging. And yes, I do understand that. Especially when you have been constantly replaying a negative script in your head. There's a lot of unlearning that you have to do. And there's a lot of work that you have to do to get to a place where you can start to say positive things about yourself. Right. But the actual process of authorship, it's actually not as hard, or rather it's more straightforward than we think it is. Oftentimes whenever I'm like struggling with moments of low self esteem, I write things that I believe are facts about myself. So what are my strengths? Actually going through the process of, you know, I'm a diligent person. These are the things that I really care about. These are my values and saying it to myself, affirming myself that these are what I hold to be true about myself. And then going back to the point around co authorship, as somebody that is a Christian, well, the best book that you can look up, look at to really understand, okay, what's the story or what's the script that I need to be telling myself is the Bible. Yeah, the Bible tells me a lot about me. Yeah, it tells me a lot about God. And it's through learning about God that I learn about myself in his eyes.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I think that's really important because when you write a book by yourself, you are often. This is why you have to go through editing processes as well when you're writing a book, because there will be some mistakes that you won't catch. But when you're co authoring a book, when I think about the process that we even went through, co authoring, there was an opportunity for us to swap sides. You read over my, like writing my narrative and I read over yours. I think it's very much the same with God, right? He's written a script, he's written a story about us. He submits it well, he gives it to us and we're like, okay, cool. What parts of this story? Like, how am I going to, you know, bring this as part of my own story and vice versa? But I think we often forget to do the latter, where we submit our own script to God and say, God, what parts here that I've written about me and my story and my confidence and who I am can I hold to be true? Where are there areas that there may be mistakes? Where are there areas where I've allowed the voice of or the narratives from outside of you to creep into my narrative? So going through that process with God and saying, like, yeah, like I'm giving you full permission to edit my story. And that gives me so much confidence. Because there's nothing like an edited manuscript. You can be confident and strong in the fact that it's actually been checked over. So a lot of building confidence comes from writing that initial story, but then also submitting it to co authorship with God so that you can write a story that is reflective of his truth, which has been revealed in the Bible.

[Courtney]

I love that.

[Renee]

In terms of the distinction between confidence and pride, for me, it's all about where are you rooted in. If you're a confident person, you are aware of the gifts and talents that you have. But again, me being a Christian, I know that my confidence doesn't come from me. It actually comes from God and it comes from that co authorship process when you become prideful. Pride is basically a misappropriation of idols in your life, right? It's when you've decided that I am the bee's knees, that I am God, that I am the not just the author, but I am the co author, right? There's no other person that this process goes to. You are literally just, It's I am the be all the end, or I am, you know, the Icarus that flies too close to the sun. Pride is when your, your confidence or at least your self esteem comes from everything that you do. And there is no, there's no board of approval, there is no external process to mitigate for the fact that you have weaknesses. And I think pride is actually when you are incapable of seeing your weaknesses. I think there is a beauty and confidence in that you have acknowledged that you have weaknesses. Yes, you have strengths, but also you have weaknesses and you have actually mitigated for those weaknesses. But pride is when you're actually, you have blind spots and you can't see that you're not as great as you think you are. And I think we often think of pride and arrogance as like big P, big A arrogance. Right? It's the people that are mean and rude and come across as unkind or they come across as quite just distasteful when you're in conversation with them. But if there's one thing that I've learned fairly recently in conversation with you, but also other people, when you actually really ask God, like, check me on my pride, you realize that it's an internal thing as well as an external thing. The external is when it's gone too far and it's actually entered into the atmosphere. Right. Actually manifesting towards other people. But there's also small a arrogance and small p pride in the internal thoughts that we have about ourselves, in the internal thoughts that we have about other people. It is indicative in, you know, when our friend is doing something and we're thinking in our head, oh, I could probably do it better. It's indicative in when, you know, somebody's trying to help you and you're kind of like, no, I really wish they didn't help me out because I don't feel like I need help. And these may not be things that you voice, but they're things that you voice in here internally and they become a truth that goes unchecked. So I think those for me, are some of the big distinctions between confidence and pride. It really is about where are you rooted in, where is your truth rooted in? Who are you relying on at the end of the day? And also being cognizant of the fact that just because it's not manifesting doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. It's just that it exists internally and not externally.

[Courtney]

That's so good.

[Renee]

But those are my thoughts. I would love to hear what you think as well.

[Courtney]

I agree. I think you defined it really, really well and you really went in depth with it. I think for me, confidence is about this sense of assurance. Right. And My confidence may not be in my ability, but at least it's in the fact that I'm here.

[Renee]

Yeah, right.

[Courtney]

And I have something to contribute to this space and I'm willing to try. And I have also built a track record which I can kind of draw on for some kind of strength. But even when it comes to my weaknesses, I think something I've been encouraging myself on recently is that thing you were talking about, co authorship or simply partnering with God and walking life out with him, is realizing that there is something that can strengthen my weaknesses and there is a power I can draw on when my power comes to an end. And I think seeing that as also another source of confidence has helped me to mitigate. Mitigate certain things like sex, pride, because I cannot boast in my own efforts.

[Renee]

Facts.

[Courtney]

There are certain things that I've accomplished which, yes, it's a part of my track record, but I know it's not down to me.

[Renee]

Yeah, that part.

[Courtney]

I know it's not down to me. So looking at the fact that humility is also ascribing to God the glory he deserves and really saying like, okay, you know what? I think another element of it is not just what God has done, but what he's allowed to be done through other people in my life. Because I think a huge way God keeps you humble is reminding you that you cannot do this life thing alone. Like this morning I was reading Exodus verse 3 and it was talking. It's when God is talking to Moses, right? And that's like an anchor scripture for a lot of different faiths. But God is talking to Moses and he's like, you know, I want you to go and set these slaves in Egypt free and go and talk to Pharaoh. And Moses is like, listen, dog, I love you. I can acknowledge the glory, but I can't talk very well. If you need a deliverance, not this stutterer, Aaron, and that's exactly what God does. God says, like, first of all, do you remember who I am? Like, I made the human mouth. I will teach you what to say and I will give you the words to speak. But if you're really not confident, let me bring along Aaron. Let me bring you your brother. Let me bring you somebody who can talk for you and who is strong in every area, that you are weak. And you will help guide him and he will help manifest your calling too. Right? And so there's this something that, that yes, you have a weakness. And in your weakness, I'm not just going to affirm because I think something that we're taught a lot about confidence is around affirmation and affirm yourself. And you know, you are the. The be or. And end all of your power. But there are some things which are outside of you, which you. You've come to your end of yourself and you have nothing more to do.

[Renee]

This is actually the end of the road.

[Courtney]

This is a weakness for you. This is a, you know, it's not your sharpest skill. It's not your sharpest tool. With the toolbox, it's okay.

[Renee]

That used to be such a cost.

[Courtney]

You're not the sharpest tool on the toolbox, and this isn't one sharpest skill sets. However, not only can God bring strength to that weakness, he can also bring you someone who's strong in that area. Right. And that really helps mitigate pride because it requires humility to let somebody shine in the area you're a bit dim in. Right. And allow somebody to be strong in the areas you're a bit weak in. And I think that welcoming in community, welcoming in people, helps you to have confidence in community power.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And the fact that it's actually okay that you can't do everything by yourself. It's okay that sometimes you have to collaborate or sometimes you have to ask for help as well. I think as women, we're often denied that. It's kind of seen as though, like, you know, your weaknesses are really pointed out when we start asking for help. And it's like, oh, wow, you couldn't be strong enough to go through this on your own. It's like, no, no, I couldn't. I need help. And that's something I'm recently learning in therapy as well. It's okay to say that you need help.

[Renee]

Yes.

[Courtney]

It's okay to go to people when you need help. But talking about that, why do you think there is this disproportional pressure on women to be perfect? And how does that manifest insecurities in us as well?

[Renee]

Yeah. Also another great question. I think the pressure on women to be perfect has come as a result of a number of different things. Patriarchy. I feel like we haven't.

[Courtney]

We haven't in a minute. Patriarchy. TMS 101. Ah.

[Renee]

You know what I'm saying? If you were a TMS og, you know, we was out here throwing patriarchy like it was seeds in the ground, literally. But patriarchy baked into the very fabric of our society, especially within the west, because we have to talk about the Western hemisphere. Don't worry. You got some smoke for y'all down south and the rest of the world, but particularly in the west, we have baked patriarchy into the very fabric of our society. That's good. And it becomes a cultural norm to see women as objects. I mean, in our last conversation we were talking about, albeit a different topic, pornography. But it's the same tactic of making women these objects. And one thing about an object is it's two dimensional, right? It's very, very perfect. It's precise. When you think of some of the sculptures that people make or things that people make, there's certain measurements that it has to abide by in order for it to be classified as a chair or a sofa or whatnot. And I think, think that's what we've done to women. We have created a very specific dimension. We have created a very specific spec document for what a woman should be like. A script for women, if you will. And it becomes very, very hard to deviate from that script because there's so many ramifications, right, like access to certain resources, access to communities, access to love and culture, and all of these things that we actually need as human beings to thrive. That becomes very difficult to access when we deviate from these scripts that society has created for us. And a lot of these things can come in the micro. So within the family environments that we grow up in, where we've seen, you know, our mothers have to grow up and take responsibility in so many different areas to go into school and seeing how women behave when they are pitted against each other in the school gates, to when they're online out here trying to look cute for certain mandam and all them things there. We've seen it time and time again where women have to adhere to a certain script in order to survive. It's a survival mechanism. The more perfect that you can be, the more easier it is for you to navigate a lot of these, like, social spaces. So I think that's where a lot of the pressure around perfectionism comes from. And then I think that is a lot of internal pressure that we heap on ourselves as women. I can speak, listen, as a recovering perfectionist, y'all, it's hard when you have dealt with the trauma of being let down. And I think, think a lot of women can resonate with the experience of being let down, whether it's by a caregiver, whether it's by environmental factors, whatever it is. There is the social script, but then there is the I've been let down and I've been disappointed by people a lot. So in order for Me to make sure that I'm taking care of myself. I have to rely on myself, because that's the only thing, the only person that I have true visibility and control over. So in some ways, perfectionism can also be a trauma response. Wants in our attempt to try and control situations, control narratives, especially when we have been disempowered or our agency and control has been taken and stripped from us. The challenge is, as already mentioned, you won't reach the end of your tether. At some point, you know, you are a wonderful person, but unfortunately, you are not a perfect person. We are. We are actually made. Well, at least I believe that we are made to be imperfect people. And that means that at some point, think, you know, certain behaviors, certain things that you do will come up to the surface. The impurities will come up to the surface. And it typically happens when you're going through the fire, right? Like when we say, oh, gold refined through fire, the impurities come to the surface.

[Courtney]

Real talk.

[Renee]

So if your life is, you know, you're going through a lot right now, and you're thinking, oh, man, if only I could be more perfect in order to. To solve this situation. No. Perhaps the fire that you're experiencing right now in your life is not an opportunity for you to perform perfectionism, but for you to address the impurities that God is rising to the surface for you to have a look at. And it's tough because, yeah, living in a society that women are often, it's by necessity, it's a survival mechanism to try and be as perfect as possible. It can be really difficult to say, yo, I need help. Yeah, it's so. It's a massive vulnerability. And as someone that has struggled, you know this. Clearly I have struggled, although I feel like I've been getting so much better.

[Courtney]

Have you guys.

[Renee]

In fact, it might even be on the opposite side of the spectrum. I need help. Please send the flood help. Send all of the emergency services at the same time.

[Courtney]

Yeah, I get you.

[Renee]

But there is such a beauty in acknowledging that you need help because you now give people that love you an opportunity to show up for you.

[Courtney]

That's it.

[Renee]

And as. At least I'm speaking for myself personally, as somebody who, you know, my love language is often quality time spending time with people, people showing up. For me, I didn't realize that I was actually holding people back or preventing people from showing me affection by not giving them the opportunity to show up for me in the first place. It was just a inexpressed expectation. And the thing about. Inexperience the thing about perfectionism is that it can create a whole bunch of standards and inexpress inexpressed expectations for not just you, but other people. And it's like, yes, you're relying on yourself, but there's still a part of you that's kind of like even prideful in a way where you're saying to yourself, I am the archetype.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I'm, I've been able to hold it down for myself and people are lesser than because they can't uphold the same standards that I have for myself. So it's almost like you're setting yourself up for that cycle of disappointment and in some ways self sabotage when it comes to your relationships by simply not expressing those expectations, but also not dealing with the fact that you have standards that are prideful, that you are internally manifesting before you have them externally. So I think that's where kind of perfectionism kind of comes from. This is how it can manifest, how it can damage relationships as well. And it really takes a serious level of self awareness to reckon with the fact that you are not perfect. It takes a serious amount of. Because the way that humans are hardwired, I think we are just hardwired to, to be fleshly beings. Do you know what I mean? Like we are hardwired to see ourselves as again the archetype. We're hardwired to see ourselves as perfect and wonderful and oh, it could never be me. In inherently we want to believe that we are good despite doing bad.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Like we can do the worst of worse. But you know what my intention. I know you know only God can judge me.

[Courtney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Renee]

Just because only God can judge you, that don't mean that you can't take accountability for your wrongdoing. In fact, you should. In fact, you better take accountability before God judges you.

[Courtney]

Facts because fact.

[Renee]

Yeah, what's that?

[Courtney]

That's what you should be scared of, bro.

[Renee]

When people are. Only God can judge me. Have you seen where God has judged people in the Bible?

[Courtney]

Exactly.

[Renee]

Large, may it never be your story. Goodness gracious.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

So I do think that there is a bit of work that we have to do as women where we lay ourselves down and say, look, I'm not perfect in these areas and my capacity to progress in life is not dependent on my perfectionism. I can put things down. I think we were speaking about this a couple of weeks ago as well. But this idea that if you are a busybody, if you are a perfectionist, there is pride in thinking that you know, nothing good will come in my life if I'm not the one that's like pursuing things, if I'm not the one that's at the helm, if I'm not the one that's at the forefront. And we think it's this weird sense of pseudo humility. It's like, oh, you know, I'm just, I'm here to serve, you know, I'm here to try and like do great things in my life and whatnot. But there is a pride in that. You can't even admit that you're weak or like you can't even admit that you actually do have some shortcomings that will actually hinder rather than help your progress. So I think us as women, we actually need to learn to it, settle down small. Like it's actually okay to pause, reflect and actually bake this into our lives and our days.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

I think for me as well, this has been a tough year for me because I've been getting sick really often and I'm a busybody. I like being productive, I like being outside doing stuff, etc, but being ill has actually forced me to slow down and it has forced me to really think about where do, where does my confidence, like where is that? Where is that rooted in good? Am I the kind of person that thinks that everything will halt if I'm not doing something? And I think that's the problem with, with a lot of women as well. Right. It's the idea that even though we are painted as inferior, we're also painted as the glue that holds things together. So if you're not taking up your place as the perfect women, then the whole world will crumble around you. And it is literally unfixing that idea from my mind and thinking that progress can still be made even from a place of rest.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

But also from a place of weakness.

[Courtney]

That's so good. That is so, so good. I really, really, really enjoy that. And I think you hit the nail on the head. I think perfectionism is this external pressure that women feel and it's very, very real. It's perpetrated by all institutions in society and it's everyone drawing this demand on you. But at the same time this internalization of that pressure that is I must show up. I must show up all the time. And when something comes that means that we can't show up. And it knocks us down a bit, it knocks our confidence so much. And I love that you touched towards the end about, about where we put our self esteem and where we put our identity because your confidence cannot be rooted in your performance all the time. That's good, right? As much as you are building a track record, you have to understand that your performance is something that can be impacted by several factors in your life, from health to external circumstances to internal circumstances. You know, and so we, let's be honest, sometimes we are the issue inside. There's a regulatory process and is not going well. And it's, it's, it's okay as well. It's okay to embrace your humanity in that way. However, for a lot of women, room has not been created for their humanity. Right. And a lot of people do feel that kind of punishment for, you know, making a mistake or, you know, not knowing. Right. And needing help and to some degree, even being a beginner. And I want us to kind of transition this conversation into talking about imposter syndrome for that very reason. I think a lot of people, when they talk about imposter syndrome, they quickly, you know, hurdle towards the solution and how we can, you know, psych ourselves up into being our most confident selves. However, I think there is something to be said about the legitimacy of the imposter syndrome feeling.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And that whole coming into a space, whether it be corporately or professionally or entering into a dimension of, you know, achieving your goals, where you do start to question, oh, my gosh, I don't actually feel like I belong in this space so I can have this thing. Right. Talk to me about the legitimacy of the imposter syndrome feeling as well as how we can actually overcome it, for sure.

[Renee]

First of all, I think it's a very valid feeling. It's very valid to enter into an environment that you may be uncomfortable or maybe unfamiliar to you and you are, for some reason or the other, not the norm. Right. You are not the usual suspect, especially as black women like you are no stranger to entering into several rooms where you are the only black.

[Courtney]

To everyone else, this is a desk, but to you, this is opportunity. Switch to Boost Mobile and get the Coach Prime Moto G5G for 29.99 at boost mobile.com the Boost Mobile network, together with our roaming partners, covers 99 of the US population. Moto G5G for 29.99 when you switch with a new Unlimited plus or Unlimited Premium plan activation online or taxes extra. All prices, fees, features, functionality and offers are subject to change without notice. Visit boostmobile.com for details.

[Unknown Speaker]

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day.

[LinkedIn Advertiser]

Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get a hundred dollar credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com results to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be. To be.

[Renee]

You are the only woman. Sorry.

[Courtney]

You'Re the only black. You're the only black is literally our parents where you're saying, and you know.

[Renee]

The way some people say black.

[Courtney]

Yeah, yeah.

[Renee]

But no, you are not a stranger to the fact that there have been so many rooms that we've entered into where we have been the only black. The only woman. The only black woman.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

So to add insult to injury is, you know, you are as far away from the norm that pervades that kind of space. And those are legitimate feelings. Especially when, you know, it's funny because I sometimes think that imposter syndrome often focuses on the person where really we should also be challenging the institutions and the culture. And the culture. Of course, I'm going to be feeling like an imposter. I see nobody that looks like me.

[Courtney]

And this culture has been created around people who have been allowed to occupy this space comfortably. There we go.

[Renee]

Comfortably, mind you. So I do think that it is a legitimate feeling, but I think there's been a disproportionate amount of emphasis on us building up our confidence and building up our capacity to enter into these spaces without also legitimately challenging a lot of these spaces that, let's be quite frank, we're not built to support or create the same level of comfort within the culture for people like me.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And that's perfectly fine to say, because imposter syndrome is not a mental health.

[Courtney]

It's not feeling.

[Renee]

I'm not crazy. People will. Have you figured that is you. That's crazy. It's just a confidence issue.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Yes, there's an element of that too. But, but some of y'all crazy in these institutions, like, just because, you know, I am. Let's take like Oxford and Cambridge, for example. That was one of the first times that we really felt that level of imposter syndrome. Of course, yes, there is the legitimate feeling of, like, entering into a new space and me needing to be confident, but there's also the very real reality that I was one of, like, maybe two black people in my college at the time. That's real.

[Courtney]

That is.

[Renee]

It's real.

[Courtney]

That's real. Put it on the table. Put it.

[Renee]

You know, it's real. When you look at UK Parliament as well, like, you enter into those spaces and it's like, you know, you might be one of three black people, if you're lucky, that that, again, is real. Or, you know, pursuing entrepreneurship as well as a black founder, you enter into these spaces for founders in the uk. Oh, where the black people at? And where are the black women?

[Courtney]

Literally, you know what I'm saying?

[Renee]

Specifically because a whole bunch of it. And it's called Embedded, where the sisters. This is nice. They've been congregating in a place called tms.

[Courtney]

And it's not even. And it's not that they're not. They don't exist. It's that they're not welcomed into this space. And so, yes, imposter syndrome is a legitimate.

[Renee]

It's a very legitimate thing. And in fact, it's the environment sometimes that's the imposter shout.

[Courtney]

But it's okay. But you know what? I love that you emphasize as well that it's often remedied with, like, this personal confidence journey. Right? Make yourself more confident and you won't feel like an imposter anymore. But actually, there is a wider conversation about culture. However, there is is that immediate desire to not feel like an imposter anymore and, like, really step into that presence that you should have in a space where you've desired to be and also you deserve to be. Right. And so how do women kind of bridge that gap of, okay, cool. I have an awareness that this culture doesn't, you know, accommodate people like me and needs a lot of change. But I'm also here now, so how do I step into that executive presence? And it could be stepping into it, growing into it, whatever it means. How do I actually embody the confidence needed to not only exist in this space and withstand that resistance, but also to help change the winds of culture as well in this space?

[Renee]

Fantastic question. I think that it operates almost in the same way that emotional regulation operates, right? In that you can recognize that you're feeling something like anxiety or nerves or whatnot, but then you have to make a decision around what does it empower you to do? So it's the same with imposter syndrome. I'm feeling this nervousness, this anxiety, this sense. Sense of discomfort and ill ease at being in this environment. But what does that empower you to do? And I think sometimes we need to recognize that just because we are feeling an uncomfortable or negative emotion that doesn't necessarily mean that the manifestation will have to be negative. Oftentimes it can actually be a positive thing. So when you are presented with that feeling, when you enter into these spaces, I would challenge you to actually pause for a second and think what is the best way to challenge this. Channel this feeling into something that might actually benefit me, but also the people in the space around me.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

So I think having that regulatory framework internally to be able to do that work and I think also practice, I think that a lot of us have embraced being home bodies for obvious reasons or more is expensive. Outside it's expensive. But when you are going out into spaces, especially in professional settings or also personal settings things, there is an element of risk taking. You have to increase your risk appetite. How do you do that? By making moves. You can't expect to feel comfortable in an environment if you don't spend time in the environment. You have to spend time. It's very basic. I'm an imposter because I'm not really in these environments. Well, get, get to know that environment. Get to go there. Or like, oh, you know, I really. It's like someone saying, oh, I don't really like, you know, hot drinks that much. It's like, how many hot drinks have you had? I don't really frequent. Yeah, I don't really go out for drinks. Well then how do you know that you won't like it if you haven't tried it? So I think there is an element of women increasing their risk appetite. And I think there's something that we can actually learn from men there in that I know some of them can make some reckless decisions.

[LinkedIn Advertiser]

Scary.

[Renee]

Some of their gambling behavior is a bit serious. But I think there is something about women where we can tend to be quite risk averse.

[Courtney]

Absolutely.

[Renee]

And putting ourselves in risky environments is actually quite different than a lot of us are inclined to. We often crave spaces of comfort and safety, etc. So I think there is something about women actively finding spaces that make them uncomfortable and sitting in that discomfort a little while. I had one of my favorite professors, a philosopher back at Harvard. I won't name him, although I don't think he would actually mind because I was going to say something positive about him. Him, Dr. Human. He's so. He was such a funny but very eccentric professor and he taught us critical theory. So it was a very philosophical, existential. Existential curriculum that he was teaching us. But I remember one of his like takeaway phrases when we. He basically did this thing where every time we would enter into the class, he would say nothing. He would just like either stand on like one of the pieces of furniture in the classroom. Sometimes he would face us, Sometimes he wouldn't face us. And I entered into this class. I'm like, sir, is everything okay with you? What are you going through? This man would say nothing. And then eventually he was like, you know, this makes you guys feel really uncomfortable. You need to sit in it. And eventually it became a norm of us entering into the class. Dr. Human has said nothing. And at first, you know, the first few classes, I'm like, this guy is a weirdo. What's going on by class three or class four? That's just Dr. Human. You know, he's just out here, he doesn't say anything. We're comfortable with it. But even in that, we were taught a very valuable lesson of sitting in the discomfort until it becomes comfortable. There is something about practicing yourself out of imposter syndrome. Practicing confidence, practicing going through the motions until either you or the environment changes. Usually it's both. And oftentimes it starts with us and then the environment follows.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

So even in terms of like focusing on our like, personal confidence and then how do I become a world changer in these environments? Focus on yourself first. Focus on how comfortably you can navigate these spaces. Focus on the art of entering into somewhere that is in some respects quite hostile to you and getting comfortable in being in that environment. And then you can focus on the next part of that where you can be a world changer and opening doors for other people. Because I think the temptation, especially for a lot of. Of black and brown folks or folks that exist on an intersectional plane, is that by default, by de facto, of entering into a space. I have to be an activist straight away is okay. You don't have to be an activist. Sometimes you just need to exist comfortably in this space. Sometimes.

[Courtney]

Activate.

[Renee]

First you need to activate.

[Courtney]

Warm up to this situation.

[Renee]

You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you just need to feel comfortable. Comfortable Bringing your Jollof rice to the office. Do what I'm saying. It's like, oh, I want to be a world changer, but you're still hiding your.

[Courtney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Renee]

I don't like a goosey. Sorry guys.

[Courtney]

I do. I think it's great.

[Renee]

But stay container. Don't kill me cuz that thing stays you're talking about. I want to create an environment where people feel comfortable, but you yourself are not living a life where you're comfortable in this environment. You're hiding your stained.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Tupperware.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

You know what I'm saying? So focus on you, yourself becoming comfortable in this environment and also recognizing the humanity of the people that are also in that environment with you.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

I think sometimes we can also approach things with certain biases that we have in our mind around how that environment and the people will treat us. I know that for me, like, going into a lot of workspaces, I was taught, or I felt like I needed to, like, it was just, I'm going to work, to just do the work and go home. I don't need to make friends here. And I had the same mentality when I went to university as well. The best way for me to survive is to do the work and go, as opposed to making this place a home for me too, and staying and remaining. Sometimes we just need to remain long enough for that place to become a place that is akin to a home.

[Courtney]

Yeah, that's so good.

[Renee]

So challenging yourself to not just enter into an environment, but get comfortable and making it your home. And it's only when you make a place your home that you can then invite other people. You can't invite other people to a guest house. Maybe Airbnb, you can do it for a couple of days, but it's only a place that you're familiar with. Only a place where you're comfortable with the people there that you've spent enough time getting to know everyone, spent enough time really figuring out how to work things out for yourself, making this abnormal environment normal enough for you that you can then focus on, ah, this is a comfortable place I can bring other people into.

[Courtney]

So, so good. I love that you touched on that. Because I think similarly, when I was in university, being around, like, so many white people and being in a predominantly white institution, again, it was just about, I need to just perform well and then I'll go, I'll hide away. I don't need to, like, interact and really integrate into this space as well and, like, make this, like you said, a home and, like, somewhere that I'm comfortable. And it robbed me of so much joy for those three years of my undergrad. Like, I was in an elite institution, you know, the home of intellectual thinking. And I didn't even feel comfortable to really immerse myself in that novel environment because I was hiding away all the time. And it just robs us of so much joy. And I think sometimes when we talk about imposter syndrome and we talk about combating it with just entering into this high functioning confidence, this pseudo confidence, we forget that it's okay to just enjoy the space that you're in. And it doesn't have to be confidence, but it can be joy, it can be enjoying the process. It can be just being okay with being in the middle and being here and getting used to the space, learning. Like, I think also talking about it practically as well, it's forming relationships with people in that space to try and understand the culture and also bring some change to the culture through conversations. It's mentorship. It's just guidance. Right. That allows you to grow into your most confident self. Because it's not just something you wake up as. I think a lot of us are, the way we think about confidence is, is it's almost like just put on clothes that are too big for you and hope you grow into it. No, you're just walking around in a suit, you're drowning in like. And we can see it and we can tell that that's not you, it's not your voice, it's not your true perspective. And so I think embracing that the reason why you're in this space is because you in your present form are enough to get the job done. And it's okay to also grow and evolve.

[Renee]

Yes.

[Courtney]

Through the parameters that may be in place. And if they're not in place, actually ringing the alarm on that and being like, hey, hey, you know, this is how I currently feel. And that's actually a very valid feeling. And this is what we can do to bring about change. And I think that's what allows us to step into those executive positions and leadership positions and change making positions which a lot of us actually desire. But because we, like you said, don't want to high embrace that discomfort, we don't rise to the occasion.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

But I think like to pivot the conversation a little bit, I think we need to talk about female friendships and how for a lot of people the reason why they kind of may stifle their confidence or maybe manifesting their confidence as arrogance and pride is because when they are surrounded by other women, there's this temptation to compete.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And so talk to me about the woman who may feel, even if she hasn't acknowledged it yet, intimidated by other women's confidence. And about, and talk to me about the woman who may, may be stifling her confidence because she feels as though she may intimidate other women.

[Renee]

Oh, that's so interesting. It's a really good archetypes to talk about. Well, to the lady that is intimidated.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

I think there is something that needs to be Addressed within you in terms of why is this intimidating to you? Is it a intimidation that's fueled by a secret desire where you want to be like your friend and being bold in expressing your confidence and whatnot? If so, then there's an opportunity for you to draw from the strength of your confident friend. Right. Like if there's days that you're feeling down or days where you're like, oh, I really wish that I could articulate myself like this person. Or I wish that I had this same level of confidence about myself in this way. Seeing your friend, rather than seeing them as a competitor, a competitor or somebody that intimidates you, actually leaning on them and leaning on the strength that they have to be able to help you in your journey in that specific area, career. So I think there's something around leaning on the efforts and leaning on your friend. It's really given. Let me actually lean on the areas that I think my sister can actually bring and also figuring out what may be stopping you from doing that as well. Because I do know that especially within the area of female friendships, there can be legitimate competition or jealousy and all that kind of stuff. So you don't necessarily want to come across that way. Or maybe you're not as intimately connected with your friends friend. But I think that if you're truly friends with a lady that you love and vice versa, you should actually be able to correct me if I'm wrong or I'm revolutionary or not. But you should be able to go to your friend and be like, babe, like I've actually been struggling a little bit with my self esteem. I love the way that you carry yourself. I love how you've been able to, you know, do this kind of work on yourself. What's the tea like? Help me out here a little bit. And obviously not expecting them to do the work for you, you, but they can at least support you a little bit.

[Courtney]

Absolutely.

[Renee]

So I think opening yourself up to the possibility of leaning on the strength of your friend would be really helpful. But also addressing what it is within you that may be causing that deficit. Or that thinking that you're not worthy or that thinking that you can't occupy the same space as your friend does and you can't coexist comfortably. There's a bit of internal reflection there and what you perceive to be your weaknesses as well. Is it that you think that confidence can only be manifested in the way that your friend manifests? Manifest it? If so, that's actually incorrect. Yes. It may be that she is strong in this particular area. But you also need to do some work reflected on where are my strengths? As opposed to focusing on what you perceive to be your weaknesses. So those are the two things I would say to the first lady, to the second lady.

[Courtney]

Omar.

[Renee]

I know we have that quotation around. You know, don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm and all that kind of stuff and let your light shine, blah, blah, blah. Are why are you afraid? Like, no, but sometimes you have to start. You have to start with the basic questions. Why are you afraid? I think in both cases, we need a radical reformation as to how we understand and navigate our friendships and our relationships. Because equally, I think that if you are afraid of upstaging your friend, or if you feel as though your friend is going through a tough time where they're not really feeling as, like, confident, or you don't really feel comfortable enough to express yourself to your fullest extent, beyond it potentially being a little bit of arrogance or pride on your part, there's a conversation that needs to be had there. In terms of why do you feel so stifled? Like, what is. What is the fear? Is it that you're going to provoke insecurities in your friend? If so, you need to have a conversation about that. Either internally insert insofar as is it pride, or with your sister and saying like, yo, you know, sometimes I feel. Feel like I am either doing too much or maybe it is that there's an intimacy issue. Do you feel that you are comfortable enough with your friend to bring your fullest and most authentic self to your friendship? Again, that is worth a conversation. Because no one listen, the feeling of being stifled is so uncomfortable. It's like wearing a dress that's far too tight. You know, them ones where you have to, like, jump up a little bit and the zip and everything is just not working. It's really, really uncomfortable. Uncomfortable. And I'm of the belief that no friendship should ever feel like that. Like, like you're literally wearing an uncomfortable dress. So I think there does need to in both circumstances, to be fair, you need to reevaluate your friendship. Like, there should under no circumstances be that sense of competitiveness, that sense of stifling, that sense of inadequacy. And if these are things that you're dealing with, there's an internal conversation that needs to be had. But also there's an intimacy issue. To me, it sounds like that needs to be addressed within the confines of that friendship.

[Courtney]

Yeah, I hear that. I hear that. I think the. The kind of perspective I see it from, as well, on the latter, like, sort of archetype is I know that there are certain people, all of us are on different stages of our glowing and growing journey. And I think that sometimes you can sense that your friend has maybe developed. Developed a huge sense of confidence in the way she articulates herself, the way she's going after things in life. And maybe another one of your friends hasn't gotten there yet and is still working on it. And I think that sense of, like, oh, should I maybe hold myself back or confine my confidence is you don't want to be perceived as boasting. You don't want to be perceived as intimidating as well. I think even for myself, I have had situations where. Where, you know, I've had friends tell me the way you articulate yourself and the way you, like, navigate through life, it's a lot like it is actually quite. It can feel intimidating because you're going after it or you know how to, like, share your thoughts, articulate your. And I think sometimes that can put, okay, I don't want to. I don't want to move ahead of my sister. I want to move with my sister. And that can sometimes look like not holding yourself back, but slowing down. Right. In the way that you maybe racing ahead with your conversation or stuff like that. So I think it's not necessarily paring back your confidence, but being more aware of how the articulation or the manifestation of it makes another person feel. And if that can hinder the intimacy that you were mentioning. Right. If that can hinder their. Their comfortability being around you or engaging with you on certain topics. I'll give an example. Recently, I had a fight with my younger sister. You know, similar to similar situations. We had an argument, and she was saying how sometimes because of the way you can quickly and, like, articulate yourself in an argument or in a debate, it can feel like you're attacking me that in the way that it manifests. And I was like, no, this is just me being assertive. This is. But I had to be very, like, cognizant of just the way she was receiving it.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And not just, you know, this is just how I naturally am. Especially for somebody who may need a bit more time to just process their emotions and their feelings and all of that stuff. And so for me, it was. For me, assertiveness is a form of confidence. Right. Like, knowing what I want to say and saying it is confidence. Whereas to her, that can come across as quite intimidating. And at that moment, it was really affecting our relationship negatively. And so I think taking a step back to thinking about okay is. Does my confidence come across as. What's the word I'm looking for? Or inconsiderate? Right. Like, where I'm not considering this person's emotions in the moment, and how can I consider this person without stifling myself? And also articulate to them in a way that is easy to receive without dumbing down my shine or being disingenuous to who I really am? And I think that that's just a part of maturely navigating relationships, which allows you to journey with each other, are at a similar pace. And, like, just make sure you're not ripping the yoke that's on, you know, someone else's neck because you're. You're moving a million miles per hour. And I don't think that's about making yourself smaller.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

I think it is about taking a moment in that situation and in that opportunity to slow down and be like, okay, how can we get on the same page? Because I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to feel maybe feelings of insecurity or pain or threat, but also, this is who I am. So where do we go from here? So, yeah, that's what. That's what I kind of sense sometimes with that scenario, that archetype. It's like, you know, I don't actually want people to feel intimidated by me, but I do also want to be my most confident self. And I think there's a part there about emotional awareness. Right. And emotional. Not just iq, but eq. What does the emotional quotient. Your. What is the word I'm looking for? Like, you know, when you're talking about emotional intelligence, that's it. It's about emotional intelligence and navigating relationships where you can see, okay, maybe not that I'm talking at a high level or whatever, but maybe I need to come and make sure we're all moving together.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And I'm not just. It's like when you're in a class and you're the smartest kid in the class. Right. And you're. You could just start moving, moving, moving. It's like, pause. Let's take the whole class with us on this journey.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

You know, and it's not. I don't think it's a thing of dumbing yourself down. I think it's emotional intelligence.

[Renee]

Yeah. Yeah. I think even the reframing of it as, like, not a. As in it's not about you.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

That's the thing. I think oftentimes we can perceive these things so personally, like, oh, this is about me and my capacity to shine and stuff. And it's like, no, know, this is not about you and just expressing how you actually would. But also, as you were saying, taking into consideration. How can I say this in a way in which that person can receive it better and best?

[Courtney]

And also, how can I create room for this person as well, to feel confident in themselves as well? So, like, you know, okay, if you are talking to your friend and they're struggling to articulate their thoughts as fast as you add you can, how do you hold space for them, too, and make them feel like it's okay if we don't process things at the same time or in the same way? I can hold space for the way that you process things, and it's equally as valid as the way I process things, if that makes sense as well. Yeah. So, yeah, that's where I wanted to talk about that situation. Well, sisters, there is so much we can actually unpack from this topic. And maybe if you comment down below and let us know what you like for us to talk about, we could talk about it in an upcoming episode in 2025.

[Renee]

How about that?

[Courtney]

Which is literally around the corner, mate.

[Renee]

Around the corner, mate.

[Courtney]

Crazy.

[Renee]

If you bust a riot, it's right there.

[Courtney]

Crazy. I think our last episode is next week. Our last episode of the year is next week. Crazy Things 2024, season five is done.

[Renee]

Are we going to get Courtney wearing something Christmassy?

[Courtney]

I think Christmas is this week's episode. Next week is New Year's.

[Renee]

Are we gonna get Courtney to wear something a bit holiday?

[Courtney]

No.

[Renee]

Stay tuned. We're gonna see what we can make happen.

[Courtney]

Okay. Might get a red lip. I don't know.

[Renee]

Give us some.

[Courtney]

I'm getting the red lip.

[Renee]

Tinsel?

[Courtney]

No.

[Renee]

Antlers.

[Courtney]

No.

[Renee]

Christmas jumper. Never is there. Never.

[Courtney]

For me, guys, I'm not a scrooge. I love Christmas.

[Renee]

But for somebody that loves Christmas, you're only.

[Courtney]

No, I actually only recently started loving Christmas. I used to hate it.

[Renee]

And I feel like as a commitment and dedication to showing the progression that you have made, let me grow in.

[Courtney]

This area that I feel like an imposter. There you go. Hold space for.

[Renee]

Maybe hold space for your growth. That's okay. I can be patient. If you see me in a red jumper next, next week, then, you know, that's cool. We could go.

[Courtney]

There we go. We could coexist. We could coexist. But there. There we go. So yeah, Sisters, we hope we will see you next week for our last episode of 2024. Genuinely, as the year comes to an end, we are praying for you that 2025 will be the manifestation of your most confident and assured self and even if you don't feel like her right now, you will become her in 2025 and beyond. And we are praying for the best to come out of you guys's glowing and growing journey. We can't wait to journey with you in 2025 and just share all of the things that are changing with life and the lessons that come with it. So if you enjoyed this episode, make sure that you follow us on social well firstly, make sure you share it Share this episode with somebody who yeah, please share the link. Yeah, share the link share the link with somebody but also follow us on social media at to my Sisterhood. You can also follow us individually, my lovely best friend and myself at cd. We know we haven't answered the dilemma in a while, but keep sending them in at dilemmas to my sister.com or head to our website to my sisters.com There is a submission box for dilemma and we will answer them probably in an upcoming episode or on our exclusive community platform which is rolling out real soon.

[Renee]

Oh, I didn't say that.

[Courtney]

So we'll talk to you really, really soon. Have a great Christmas and just a holiday period. We love you so much and as always, keep glowing and growing.

[Unknown Speaker]

When the energy is high and the music is right, pushing past your limits becomes that much easier. Take a reggaeton run or strength class on the Peloton Tread and you'll quickly see why these are the workouts you've been searching for. Every day brings new challenges from expert coaches who train and speak the same language as you do. Level up your workouts with Peloton Tread. Find your push, Find your power. Peloton Visit onepeleton.

[Courtney]

Combat.