Discovering the Beauty in Our Darkest Seasons ft. Nellie Robert Gbadebo

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Discovering the Beauty in Our Darkest Seasons ft. Nellie Robert Gbadebo"

Podcast Information

• Title: To My Sisters
• Host/Authors: Courtney Daniella Boateng & Renée Kapuku
• Episode: Discovering the Beauty in Our Darkest Seasons ft. Nellie Robert Gbadebo
• Release Date: February 2, 2025
• Description: Join your online big sisters Courtney and Renee as they delve deeper into the realities of navigating adulthood, sisterhood, and more. To My Sisters promotes the holistic wellness, growth, and development of a community of sisters across the globe.

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Introduction

The episode "Discovering the Beauty in Our Darkest Seasons" features a heartfelt and deeply personal conversation between the hosts, Courtney Daniella Boateng and Renée Kapuku, and their special guest, Nellie Robert Gbadebo, affectionately referred to as Melly. The discussion centers around navigating through life's most challenging moments, including health struggles, personal loss, and the profound role of faith and community in overcoming adversity.

Guest Introduction and Background

Melly shares her journey as a content creator, mother, and wife, highlighting the multifaceted challenges she faces each day.

• On Balancing Multiple Roles:
  • Melly: "I feel like it's wearing so many different hats and having that. You need to have a super skill because being a content creator and then switching off, going downstairs and having to put the mummy hat on and then having a stressful day with the kids and then switching off and putting on the wifey hat because you have to be there for hubby as well. It's a lot." ([04:01])

She attributes her ability to manage these roles to her deepening faith and reliance on God, especially during times of overwhelm and postpartum depression.

• On Finding Strength Through Faith:
  • Melly: "I can genuinely say it's God's grace. I found that when I started to get into the word. ... I found that God just used that to force my hand to His Word kind of thing." ([04:45])

Navigating Personal Health Challenges

Melly opens up about her cancer diagnosis and the emotional turmoil it caused within her family and personal faith journey.

• The Diagnosis:
  • Melly: "That second pregnancy with my son, I had found a lump. ... You're black, I'm Indian. In our community, like, we don't talk about these things." ([00:32])

She discusses the initial denial, the overwhelming information from medical professionals, and the decision to remain strong for her children.

• On Receiving the Diagnosis:
  • Melly: "I, I'm not gonna react when they told me this, I'm not gonna react, but I'm probably going to leave my body. Like, I'm gonna shut down." ([16:33])

The impact on her faith is profound, with Melly emphasizing that her relationship with God was strengthened despite the hardships.

• Deepening Faith Through Adversity:
  • Melly: "It didn't affect it. It made it stronger. ... God's grace." ([23:01])

The Role of Community and Support Systems

Community plays a crucial role in Melly's healing process. She highlights the importance of connecting with others who understand her struggles.

• Building a Supportive Community:
  • Melly: "There were strangers sending me prayers, like prayers from South Africa, Ghana, Nigeria, Algeria, the US, and Brazil." ([52:46])

She recounts an encounter with a Macmillan nurse who encouraged her to use her platform to reach and support other black women battling cancer.

• Embracing Her Role in the Community:
  • Melly: "She was like, how can we work together to reach the masses? ... That's the advocacy and the work that I'm doing now online." ([72:21])

Faith as a Anchor in Times of Turmoil

Both Melly and the hosts share their personal experiences with trauma and how their faith has served as a cornerstone during their darkest times.

• Renée's Experience with Sexual Assault:
  • Renée: "It can be very easy to spiral, especially when it's an attack that almost causes you to or can cause you to lose your identity." ([01:25])

Courtney discusses overcoming domestic violence and mental health struggles, finding solace and purpose through her faith.

• Courtney's Journey to Faith:
  • Courtney: "Experiencing depression, anxiety, and then like it culminating in trying to commit suicide at 17 ... finding God really made me take my faith seriously." ([30:15])

Lessons Learned and Insights

The conversation delves into the transformative power of suffering and how it can lead to personal growth and deeper spiritual connections.

• On Suffering as an Assignment:
  • Courtney: "Right. So, I think it really, ... that's an assignment. And how I use it will allow me to serve people." ([65:48])

Melly emphasizes the importance of self-advocacy and knowing one's worth, especially within the black community where certain health issues are stigmatized.

• Advocating for Oneself:
  • Melly: "Learn your temple, feed your temple with the right things in all ways, and really advocate for yourself when you need to." ([77:03])

Notable Quotes

1. Melly on Balancing Roles:

   • "It's a lot. And honestly, guys, I don't know how I've done it, but I can genuinely say it's God's grace." ([04:01])

2. Melly on Diagnosis:

   • "In our community, like, we don't talk about these things." ([00:32])

3. Renée on Sexual Assault Experience:

   • "It can be very easy to spiral, especially when it's an attack that almost causes you to or can cause you to lose your identity." ([01:25])

4. Courtney on Overcoming Struggles:

   • "Finding God really made me take my faith seriously." ([30:15])

5. Melly on Community Support:

   • "They were sending prayers. It was a covering and a love that I had not felt like that in a while." ([56:38])

6. Courtney on Suffering as an Assignment:

   • "That's an assignment. And how I use it will allow me to serve people." ([65:48])

7. Melly on Self-Advocacy:

   • "Learn your temple, feed your temple with the right things in all ways, and really advocate for yourself when you need to." ([77:03])

Conclusions and Takeaways

The episode underscores the resilience of the human spirit and the profound impact of faith and community in overcoming life's adversities. Melly's story serves as an inspiring testament to the strength found in vulnerability, the importance of self-advocacy, and the transformative power of sharing one's journey. The hosts, Courtney and Renée, eloquently guide the conversation, ensuring that the narrative remains both personal and universally relatable.

Key Takeaways:

• Faith as a Foundation: Trusting in a higher power can provide the strength needed to navigate through personal trials.
• The Power of Community: Building and engaging with a supportive community is essential for emotional and spiritual healing.
• Self-Advocacy: Knowing and advocating for one's own needs is crucial, especially in communities where certain issues are stigmatized.
• Transformative Suffering: Adversity, while challenging, can lead to personal growth and a deeper understanding of one's purpose.

Final Thoughts: "Discovering the Beauty in Our Darkest Seasons" is a poignant reminder that even in our most challenging moments, there is potential for growth, connection, and a deeper relationship with ourselves and others. Melly's courageous sharing of her journey provides both solace and inspiration to listeners, encouraging them to find strength in their own communities and faith.

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Notable Timestamped Moments:

• [04:01]: Melly discusses balancing multiple roles as a content creator, mother, and wife.
• [00:32]: Melly reveals her initial cancer diagnosis and the cultural stigma surrounding health issues.
• [01:25]: Renée opens up about her experience with sexual assault and its impact on her identity.
• [30:15]: Courtney shares her journey from mental health struggles to finding faith.
• [56:38]: Melly discusses the overwhelming support from strangers and the strengthening of her faith.
• [65:48]: Courtney emphasizes suffering as a divine assignment for personal growth.
• [77:03]: Melly imparts the importance of self-advocacy and understanding one's worth.

End of Summary

Transcript

[Courtney]

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[Renee]

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[Courtney]

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[Renee]

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[Courtney]

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[Melly]

That second pregnancy with my son, I had found a lump. In that pregnancy, I found another lump, and it was in my armpit. You're black, I'm Indian. In our community, like, we don't talk about these things. She was like, we need to get you checked out. You've got two children. You need to survive for them. At this point, the floodgates grow.

[Renee]

I didn't expect to share this on the podcast today, but hey, hey, I guess trigger warning for folks, I guess probably the experience of sexual assault, personally.

[Courtney]

Experiencing depression, anxiety, and then, like, it culminating in trying to commit suicide at 17.

[Melly]

The same year that I was diagnosed was the same year that we got married. Wow. Lord, lord, lord, it was heavy.

[Renee]

It can be very easy to spiral, especially when it's an attack that almost causes you to or can cause you to lose your identity.

[Courtney]

My most loved people, my mom, my sister, went through their own experiences of depression and wanting to, you know, commit suicide.

[Melly]

I remember that's when I was like, saying, you know, you don't have to stay. We literally just got married. And this is not what you signed up for, for your wife to have, like, cancer or die from cancer or whatever. Like, you still have a life ahead of you. Enjoy that. And then that's when he just gave me a sad eye. And we also need to talk about where I had to make peace with death, because that's a whole nother thing as well.

[Courtney]

Hello and welcome to the To My Sisters podcast. I'm Courtney.

[Renee]

I'm Renee.

[Melly]

And I'm Melly.

[Renee]

And we are your online sisters and hosts of the To My Sisters podcast.

[Courtney]

We are all about promoting the wellness, growth, and development of a community of sisters around the world.

[Renee]

And in today's podcast episode, we are.

[Melly]

Joined by a very special guest, Mrs. Mellie.

[Renee]

It's Mellie B. Baby, baby.

[Melly]

We love it. My mom calls me that. I love it.

[Renee]

There you go.

[Melly]

Welcome to the.

[Renee]

We are so happy to have you.

[Melly]

I'm so happy to be here. What?

[Renee]

Girl confession. We've been watching you on YouTube for a long years.

[Courtney]

You told me to do my makeup and stuff.

[Renee]

No, literally.

[Melly]

So it's really giving me.

[Courtney]

You actually are the person. I learned where to buy bigger. Thank you.

[Melly]

I was hoping that you said, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there was a point I was thinking, God, like, am I doing this content?

[Courtney]

No, they were speaking. Boob girls. You were speaking to me.

[Melly]

Yes. And I felt that personally, the thicker.

[Courtney]

Straps, the three or four hooks in the back, that was all used. A lot of the US girlies were doing it, but in the uk. Vinti, Nelly babies.

[Melly]

Thank you.

[Courtney]

It was me.

[Melly]

I'm so happy. I'm so happy that somebody received it because at one point I was like, I don't know. I don't know if it's landing.

[Courtney]

You were helping us.

[Renee]

No, you were helping the girlies, man. From way back when. So we honour you. You're literally when I say full circle.

[Courtney]

Moments help my shoulders and my.

[Renee]

Specifically. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Specifically speaking to a vast array of community members. So we are so happy to have you. Sif, welcome to the show. And I guess to kick things off, we actually wanted to start with talking about showing up. So you are a content creator, you are a mother, you are a wife. There are a whole bunch of different areas that you show up as a woman. What are some of the challenges of showing up in some of these different domains for.

[Courtney]

For you?

[Melly]

Great question. Jeez. Yeah.

[Renee]

Going in straight there.

[Melly]

So I feel like it's wearing so many different hats and having that. You need to have a super skill because being a content creator and then switching off, going downstairs and having to put the mummy hat on and then having a stressful day with the kids and then switching off and putting on the wifey hat because you have to be there for hubby as well. It's a lot. And honestly, guys, I don't know how I've done it, but I can genuinely say it's God's grace. I found that when I started to get into the word. Sorry to get so heavy for you guys.

[Renee]

Oh, no, baby, this is what we do.

[Melly]

You know, I really struck because I'm someone that tends to get overwhelmed very quickly and motherhood quickly taught me that I'm gonna be overwhelmed a lot if I'm not rooted somewhere. And I found that about a year and A half, almost. When I was about to give birth to my second child, I had to really anchor myself somewhere. And that's when I was going through the postpartum depressions. But at the time, not even knowing that. And I found that God just used that to force my hand to His Word kind of thing. And that's when I was withdrawing from certain things a lot. I just really wanted to just spend time with Him. But then in spending time with Him, I learned, like, the structure of how God wants the household to be, the family, the work, how he wants me to balance it. And I found that naturally, I've been able to navigate wearing all these hats so much better, because now I know that priority, like, what is priority? Let's prioritize this, and then we can revisit this later. Trying to do it all at once, you're only going to burn yourself out. And I've been burnt out so many times. And you will get tired one day, and you will have to go back to the drawing board and really figure out, what is it that I'm doing here. And that was that for me. So I found that when I started to spend time with God, I. There was. It was. It was so easy, but it felt hard at the time when I was trying to do it on my own. Yeah. But then when I really started to seek counsel through him, it became so much easier. It's almost like, why didn't I do this sooner?

[Courtney]

But, yeah, so that was the question, I guess. That's actually so interesting. And I love. We love that you jump straight into faith. That's a huge thing for both of us. And we're never afraid. We're never afraid to get free on this side of the Internet. Don't worry. But I think it'll be interesting to hear the context of that, because obviously we used to watch you online, and so many of the girls will know you from your beauty content, you know, your undergarment content, all of the different things you shared so much of your journey online about, you know, your own body, your own accepting yourself, also coming into womanhood as well. Because. Are you okay with us showing your age on the pod?

[Melly]

Oh, yeah, Absolutely.

[Courtney]

Somewhere.

[Melly]

It's not like that.

[Courtney]

I'm fine. So you're 27. We're also 27. So we can all relate to that. The fact that these are very much the defining years of who am I? As a woman and transitioning from a girl to a woman, and you went through navigating all of that on the Internet alongside being Diagnosed with cancer. Right. And so I want us to throw all the way back, though, to Nelly before the Internet. Like, did you grow up in a faith based household? What was your relationship with God like before you got to that turning point moment of, okay, I'm about to have my second child, I need Jesus. How did you grow up?

[Melly]

Yeah, so grew up in a Christian household. But I wouldn't say my. Is it right to say that my parents weren't devoted but would consider themselves to be Christians. Right. Funnily enough, both their parents were hardcore in the church. So I'm not sure what happened, but sometimes it happens.

[Courtney]

It happens.

[Melly]

And it's more common than we think. Than we think, Absolutely. But yeah, no, they, they, you know, they prayed. We went to church here and there. It wasn't until. So I wasn't born in the uk, so it wasn't until I moved to the UK when I was five. And then my auntie followed my mom's youngest sister, she came about two years later after we came to the UK and we all lived together. And she was a woman that was stronger in her faith. She made it a thing that every Sunday we went to church, she made it that we were in Sunday school.

[Courtney]

My auntie was the one who dressed.

[Melly]

Yes. I love her so much. Yeah, it's my auntie. So without her, I would say that I don't think I'll even be here today. I'll definitely be lost for sure. Because it's those things that, how can I say it? Like, are embedded into you from young. You always seem to come back to it.

[Courtney]

Absolutely.

[Melly]

And I think that that was the beauty of having my auntie there as that figure. Because sometimes I think, like, why didn't me, my mom, just have our own space? Like, why did we have to live with auntie and like, hers and all that? Like, why did we do that? Because growing up I was like, I just want my own space. This woman would have dreams about me. Like God. God exposed me to this woman so many times through dreams. It's like if I'm getting up to something that I shouldn't be, should have a dream and I should go straight to my mom.

[Courtney]

Wow.

[Melly]

And then I'm in. Now I'm in trouble, and I'm in trouble without even them getting the confession. That's how much like, my auntie was convicted. She knew this is how God speaks to me. I love Nelly. Like, she is my own and God will not lie.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Melly]

So it was more. So why are you doing this as opposed to are you doing this? You know, and I grew up with that, with God constantly monitoring. I was thinking this woman in her monitoring spirit, leave me alone. You're all up in my business. I was like, God, like, why are you causing confliction here, like, by exposing me like this? But obviously, as I grew up, God started to speak to me in the same way through dreams. And that's how we communicate. And I was like, you know, God, that was a blessing. Thank you every single time for accepting, exposing me. Because without that exposure, I would be walking in darkness. Speak on it.

[Renee]

Wow, that's really good.

[Melly]

Yeah, so every time, that's how we grew up. And when I left home, I've got that freedom, that sense of freedom.

[Courtney]

What age did you leave?

[Melly]

I left home at 18 or just turned 19. Yeah. So got my first flat and I was just like, no, I need my space. Like, I'm content creating. I like to work, I'm a night out. I want to be up at 2am with ring lights and not to sleep, you know. So when I did that, it was like a new sense of freedom and child. That's on the clubs. We all fam.

[Renee]

We are fam.

[Melly]

So, yeah, last time I was in the clubs and I was having a good old time because I was my curfew, I started having my own car. I was driving up and down, up and down, you know, big Nelly. So that's when I would say I strayed a bit because there was a. Look, guys, when I tell you something, my mom was strict and there was like, my friends would, would be out at like dumb hours. And I could never even think to do that. I wasn't allowed to have sleepovers. If I did. My mum really needed to know their parents and at any moment she can pull up like, yeah, and I'd have to be okay with it. Like, there's nothing I could do about it. So I feel like when I moved out, it was just an opportunity for me to do whatever. And then I kind of lost sight of my relationship with Christ. And it wasn't until I had children, God snatched my edges so, so fast. And it was this. Let me just say, I'm the only child. My mom's only child. My dad about five, six years ago had another child. But where I was just raised with my mom for so long. I was the only child. So I've always said, like, this is so boring. I want to have loads of kids when I grow up. I need to have noise in my household. So I had a mission that I'm going to have a lot of kids, and no one's going to tell me different. So when I had my first child, funnily enough, there was a shift. Like, I felt it. Once I gave birth to that girl, I made her my everything. And though I started to seek counsel from God, because I'm like, okay, like, this is. This is no more play, play. Okay, like, this is the real deal. I've got to be a mom.

[Renee]

So.

[Melly]

And I can only do that with God's guidance. But even so, I still revolved my whole world around her. Like, I was that mom, guys. Like, that's my baby. That's my. I dreamt of that girl before I found out I was pregnant. I dreamt of a scenario that's come to pass so many times where my husband was showing her so much love, and I felt a little bit jealous that he had forgotten me. And when she came, I can't lie to you, she was his princess. And I was like, I dreamt of this, and it was just beautiful, right? So where I had. I don't want to say idolized her because I refused to believe, but God, if I did, forgive me, but I. I made her my. My everything. And again lost sight of God, of God. And it wasn't up until I got pregnant for the second time. God showed me, like, yeah, this motherhood thing is no joke, and you need to come back home. Like, if you. If you. If you. If you want to stand a chance at doing this, you need to wrap it up and come back home. And that's what happened.

[Courtney]

Wow.

[Melly]

Now you have three beautiful babies, three beautiful kids. Now I've got three by his grace. But even that story is a whole nother one. Okay. All right.

[Courtney]

Wow, wow, wow.

[Renee]

We got some time. Well, Melly, as you are now with three beautiful kids, a wonderful family, things are going wonderful as. I mean, I guess.

[Melly]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Renee]

Talk to us about cancer. Talk to us about the moment that you got your diagnosis. Because I can imagine for somebody that is so family oriented and someone that loves fiercely and intensely her husband and her children, and is so young and is so young coming to grips with something that a lot of us are often quite detached from when it comes to some health issues, particularly women, particularly black women, 100%, despite the fact that we are actually disproportionately affected by a lot of these health issues.

[Melly]

That part.

[Renee]

Talk to us about the diagnosis and how it impacted not just you, but also your relationship with God.

[Melly]

Absolutely. So that second pregnancy with my son, I Had found a lump. And I remember when I had given birth to him, the midwife comes home to check on you and baby, is everything okay? I mentioned to the midwife, oh, I've got a lump on the side of my breast. You know, what could it be? That kind of stuff. I didn't breastfeed him. So she said to me, you know, where you're not breastfeeding, there's something like your milk ducts can get clogged up. Yeah. So that's likely what it is. Don't worry about it. It will go as time goes by. I fell pregnant two months after giving birth, so. Whoa. Okay. No, don't. See, I was hoping when you didn't say that, I was like, okay, yeah, she's gonna. They're not gonna revisit this. They're not gonna. They're not gonna revisit this. Wait a minute. You what? See, I don't want to have to explain the timeline. No, I'm shy, baby girl. No, but that's how I felt having to tell my mom. Imagine if you tell your family. Wait, it's like, so two months after your pregnant. Yeah. But you shouldn't even be having intercourse.

[Courtney]

That's okay.

[Renee]

Big nails. Big nails, girl.

[Melly]

The way I couldn't. I was so sick, scared to tell my mom. I don't think you guys understand. I was like, yeah, mom, it's happened again. Wow. But, yeah, so I felt pregnant two months after. And as you can imagine, my head is right. Like, literally, because I have a toddler, a layer that's two. My newborn, and then I'm pregnant with this one. So I'm like, yeah, how am I going to do this? Like, this is mad. Meanwhile, my husband's like, oh, it's happened. You know, like, we said that we wanted to have loads of kids, so let's just. Let's just do it now whilst we're young, like, very optimistic. And I'm like, are you insane? I said crack. Okay. What's wrong with you? So anyway, that pregnancy goes by, we get on board, we're like, it is what it is. Let's move. But it was in that pregnancy I found another lump and it was in my armpit. And her husband's like, this is too much now. Like, yeah, let's. We need to get this checked out. Even so I was in denial and I didn't. And it wasn't until I'd given birth at my two months. Yeah. My 12 week discharge appointment at the GP where you now take the baby in. They make sure you're okay, and they discharge you from their care. As I was about to go on contraception, I was like, hold on. I've got a lump in my breast. And she's okay, let's take you back next door and get you examined. So we had a chaperone come in. They'd done the checks, and she was like, yeah, two lumps in the breast area. I cannot say it's cancer, because I don't know. But we are going to get you referred as soon as possible. So, yeah. Oh, yeah. She's coded me. She's an Indian woman, and she was just like, no, like, you're black. I'm Indian. In our community, like, we don't talk about these things. She was like, we need to get you checked out. You've got two children. You need to survive for them. At this point, the floodgates grow because I've got this baby for real. Like, she's just there in the same room as me. I'm seeing all their faces. They're kind of, like. Kind of worried because they're like, this two lumps. But they're not trying to scare you, to scare me. But she went in, and I thank God for her because she's like, today, we still catch up. And she was like, I will never forget that day. I went home, I cried, I hugged my kids because she was like, I kind of knew that it would have been that from my past experience, but I just didn't want to say for sure. Anyway, go to the hospital. I have a mammogram. Traumatizing. And then I have a biopsy. Traumatizing the parts that no one talks about, by the way, because it's all of a sudden a lot of people's cancer journey. The spotlight shines on the part where they were diagnosed. No, there's like, a whole. And that's why I'm giving you guys the backstory. Yeah. To how we get there. Anyway, they do the biopsies. I come back in. Now, I remember you mentioned you asked about, like, the diagnosis. This is. This is now the diagnosis appointment. I decided to take my husband and my three children with me. And the reason that's why I decided to do that was because they're my strengths, and I really wanted to keep it together. I did not want to lose myself because I realized that I've got a pattern, Right. If I go to left, I spiral. So that's why I don't. When I can, like, smell depression, I just start doing what I need to do. Because I've been depressed before, and when I'm there, like, I'm not talking to no one. I don't want to come out. I don't want to do nothing. Just leave me alone. And then I was thinking, I've still got to be a parent to these kids, so I cannot even afford to spiral like this. So I bought them, because I know I'll keep it together with my kids there. And I remember they were running late, and I was already getting annoyed because I was like, just tell me. Whatever it is, just tell me. Hurry up, hurry up. When they open the door. When. Because I remember we got escorted into the room. She opened the door. I was first. My husband. I had the baby in my carrier, in the carrier first. My husband behind me, pushing, sigh on my son in the pushchair, and then holding Aleyah's hand. I see three macmillan nurses in the room with the consultant. So I turn to my husband. I'm like, so you know what this is, right? But he didn't hear me because also he's trying to get Aleyah, and he's pushing Saya, just kind of following me along into the room. So at that moment, I knew I didn't need the consultant to tell me, because if I don't have cancer, you're not gonna waste these nurses time. And macmillan, we know macmillan is like, what they're for. Anyway. Sat down. I remember I pulled my phone out to record, and I just had it on my lap. It was recording. And that was later on the video that I had let everyone know for. But the reason why I recorded it is because I was like, I'm. I'm not gonna react when they told me this. I'm not gonna react, but I'm probably going to leave my body. Like, I'm gonna shut down. And as for my husband, I don't know how he's gonna react. So I can't rely on both of us right now to remember what they're gonna say, because I did black out for a bit because I was just like cancer. Even though I thought I'm mentally prepared for it, there's nothing like actually hearing it. So I remember I just had my phone down, recorded it anyway, and I remember I replayed it not too long ago. And, yeah, what he was saying, I hadn't really. I don't even really remember. All I remember was, like, he said, unfortunately, the cells that we took from the biopsy were cancerous. They weren't benign, and we're going to need to have surgery, and Then we're going to look at treatment and what that looks like for you. But before we tell you the course of your treatment, we need to remove the tumors and then examine the margins around the tumor to see if it spread, and that will determine how long, etc. Now, imagine someone using all these scientific terms, and they've just told you, you have cancer. You're not really. You're not really getting it. Anyway, after that, when. Next door with the macmillan nurses, this is where the information overload begun. Like, from the moment you're diagnosed, it's just information after information after information. I went home with so many booklets. Wow. And it was just a lot. It was just a lot. And, yeah, that. That was. That was somewhat the beginning of cancer. Yeah.

[Courtney]

How did that affect your faith journey?

[Melly]

This is the thing. I have to be surreal with you guys, and a lot of people don't accept to hear this, but it didn't affect it. It made it stronger. But I had questions. God questions. We need to have a convo. Okay. I'm not saying that I don't have faith in you anymore, but I need to understand what's going on. So, yeah, it didn't affect my relation, my faith journey in a bad way or in a negative way. And I believe that was the case because God had prepared me by allowing me to dig my well before.

[Renee]

Before.

[Melly]

And I only figured this out this year randomly. And I was like, God, you're so smart. Like, you're so smart. Like, I was like, you're smart. I love you so much. You're so kind. And it was almost like, because you know me, you know that if I didn't have that well to draw from, I would have spiraled. I'm talking potentially suicide. So it then made me grateful for the postpartum depression in a weird way, because we know that God uses these uncomfortable seasons in your life for the future you, and you just don't even know it. So it was when I was going through all of that. At the time, I couldn't. I just didn't understand. But I just kept. I just stuck with it. And then I remember going through all of this. It was like I was on top of the world. Yeah. And that's why I was able to show up. So, going back to your question at the beginning, I was able to show up and still wear all these hats because I had. I had my world to dig from and to draw from because I had dug it. That's it. So, yeah, that's. Oh, thank you.

[Courtney]

Yeah. I love that because it touches on a really big thing which is this season prepares you for the next season. Right, Right. And I love that you identified that it was actually a pain point in one season.

[Melly]

Yes.

[Courtney]

That made you dig a deep well which you didn't know you would need to draw from in the next season. Right. And I think a lot of us, we under appreciate, understandably, our moments of suffering and our moments of pain and what that actually carves in us. Because as much as you're saying your, you know, your diagnosis of cancer didn't affect your relationship with God, it actually positively affected it. Right. Which is that it made you cling closer. And the sad thing is though, a lot of us encounter some kind of disaster, some kind of pain, and we draw away and that withdraw and that separation from God, it makes our world shallow or non existent. And you don't know what's ahead of you. That could even be worse.

[Melly]

It's just that people just kind of underestimate the tools of the enemy as well.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Melly]

And that's just literally what it is. Right. We see it even in Job. That's exactly what it was, just Satan saying to God, like, I bet this man will curse your name and let me do this, let me do that. And it's like, guys, that we fall bait for it every single time. Even though we know that this is just, yeah, this is just a tactic of the enemy. Like, stay the course, stay the course, stay the course, stay the course. But it's hard. I'm not going to sit here and act like it's easy and like it was just positive faith throughout. There were moments where I remember with treatment and I was like, oh, yeah, God, I don't know if I want to do this. Like this is, this is hard. This is hard. Chemo is hard. And nothing could have prepared me for it. It's just one of those things that you just have to go through and deal with it. But I'm just so happy that I had that encounter prior because girls, genuinely, I don't think I'd be here today the same way I could. I'll probably still be here, but not the same way.

[Renee]

For sure.

[Courtney]

That's so good for you, Renee. Is there any negative, negative or you know, hard, painful thing that's happened in your life that actually anchored you further in, in your faith and in God?

[Renee]

That's a really good question.

[Courtney]

I'll be in my Oprah bag on this couch.

[Renee]

I know. Silent or are you silent? Yeah.

[Melly]

I love. Hmm.

[Renee]

Yeah. I didn't expect to share this on the podcast today. But hey, hey. I guess trigger warning for folks, I guess probably the experience of sexual assault, I think because that's such a intense experience and because it's something that often for a moment or for however long afterwards you feel as though there's something that's been taken from you, it can be very easy to spiral, especially when it's an attack that almost causes you to or can cause you to lose your identity or lose a sense of being present in the. In the moment. That was really, really tough, especially at a time where I was still relatively early on in my faith journey, relatively just coming to grips with like Christianity, etc, all of that kind of good stuff. And my knowledge of not necessarily the Word, but more so my knowledge of God's character meant that I had a very shallow understanding of redemption and a very shallow understanding of my worth and my value. And so a lot of my understanding of God's word was filtered through culture or filtered through other people or individuals. And one of the like most pervasive narratives out there was purity culture. And so coming up with an experience whereby I now have been almost coached into thinking that my identity was so deeply entrenched into my ability to remain pure, and then having an experience which now caused me to believe that I could no longer uphold that standard would have been a very, very great time and opportunity for the enemy to pull me away from God. And I'll be very, very honest, momentarily it did. And that I definitely had that whole joke moment where I was like, hey, sir, big Mr. Big uncle, hi. Hello.

[Melly]

You know what I'm saying?

[Renee]

But then at least my almost not trivial, but I guess my less experienced understanding of God as a redeemer actually pushed me to really read His Word. I was like all of these naysayers, all of this cultural stuff, let me actually really get to know you because that's all I have left.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I think sometimes these experiences can take you to rock bottom so much so that the only way is up.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I think in that experience for me, I had hit the lowest of the low. So low that literally the only way that I could look was up. And funnily enough, that's in God's direction. So, yeah, that's me.

[Courtney]

Thank you for sharing that.

[Renee]

That was so beautiful.

[Melly]

Thank you.

[Courtney]

Makes a lot of sense.

Wow.

[Renee]

What about you, cdb?

[Courtney]

No, genuinely, guys, what hasn't, Like, I think very similarly like growing up experiencing a lot of domestic violence, a lot of just mental health struggles as well. Like personally experiencing depression, anxiety, and then like it culminating in trying to commit suicide at 17, but then really finding God. That's actually what drew me to God and actually made me take my face seriously. My auntie had been dragging me to church, which funny enough, where I met my fiance when we were kids, because she had been dragging me.

[Melly]

Oh, kids.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

You owe auntie so much.

[Courtney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and my fiance have known each other since we were 10 years old.

[Melly]

What?

[Courtney]

Yeah, we went. Literally, my auntie dragged us to church and he.

[Melly]

So that means even in a time where you fought, I will do a.

[Courtney]

Praise dance right now. The testimony, he was right around legit in the beginning.

[Renee]

You know, in the scripture where it.

[Courtney]

Says in the beginning and God wrote a plan and knew what he was doing, I didn't have to worry if I could go and just take all of my energy back that I, the devil owes me a lot, free of charge. But anyways, that situation brought me back to Christ and really made me start finding God for myself. But I think what really shook me even more was then when the people around me, like my most loved people, my mom, my sister, went through their own experience, experiences of depression and wanting to, you know, commit suicide. And then it was suddenly God. It's okay when the devil messes with me, but I can't lose these people. This is my family unit, like my dad, you know, my dad's not my best friend, but he was in and out of my life, my mom and my sister, that is my anchoring unit, that is my family. And so if I was to lose any of them, and Mary was actually on the podcast last year and having that conversation around, how do you trust God when somebody who you really love, you don't even trust him with them. Yeah, right. Like trusting that, oh my gosh, okay, I'm going to leave home right now and my sister could do anything. You know, she's having suicidal ideations, she's self harming, she could actually do anything. I might not come home to find her. The anxiety that grasped me, I was like, God, if I don't rely on you, it's the end of the both of us. Like that's that. There is no greater pain that I know. And I remember one of my friends saying, courtney, you say you trust God, but if you can't trust God with her, you don't trust him. And I was like, woo, that's wild. Like, trust him to come through.

[Melly]

Yeah, it's funny you say that because I feel like I had that Same revelation of my daughter, my firstborn. It was because when I told, I didn't even. I trusted no one, so. And it did. Maybe I didn't trust God. Maybe I did not trust God. That's why I was hogging and trying to be her all. And she's my all, because I'm like, all she has is me, when in fact, no, she has Christ that knew her before. Before she would have ever known me. So I can definitely relate to that.

[Courtney]

Yeah, that. That was literally it. And it just made me go to go on and think, what does trusting you with my sister's life look like? Because if you could redeem me, if you could save me, if you could protect me when I was facing the same kind of demon, I need to be able to trust that you can slay this one that she's fighting, you know? And so that's. That's kind of what drew me back to God. And then later on, when I'd encounter other loved ones who would be going through some kind of mental health crises or conditions or whatever, it helped me to feel so anchored in God that, okay, God, I've seen you come through before, and ultimately, this is something I cannot control. But I know that you love your son, your daughter, this person, more than I could ever. And if I. If I'm grieved by this, how much more you. How much if I would give a limb for them to experience freedom and peace, how much more so you. So let me just leave this in your hands. And I think that that lesson has really translated into different seasons for me and just allowed me to experience peace when anxiety was trying to get me again. Right. But I really love that you brought that up in terms of your relationship with your.

[Melly]

Your daughter.

[Courtney]

And I want to ask, how did you know the process of chemo and just navigating this affect your family and your relationship with.

[Renee]

With them?

[Melly]

Well, the thing is, with me, I've never been one to share. Like, I don't share. And I think that really just stems down to me being the only child, just not having anyone to share with. And when you're the only child, you. It can go one or two ways. It can go like you share everything with that one parent, or you share barely anything with them. And for me, with the fear that I had of my mom, I barely shared anything with her.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Melly]

So I always dealt with everything inside. And I became an adult doing exactly the same thing. Like, even if my partner even married now, like, I'm what I have to make the Conscious decision every day to talk and actually say what I'm feeling. So that was tough because my husband and I were nearly wed, so we had gotten the same year that I was diagnosed, the same year that we got married. Wow. Lord, Lord, lord. It was heavy, but I made it heavy. It actually wasn't that heavy because if you ask him the same question.

[Renee]

He.

[Melly]

Would be a bit confused. Like, what are you asking here? Because isn't that what the vows meant?

[Courtney]

That's a good mess.

[Melly]

And that. That's a good.

[Renee]

Hello, somebody. No, but sorry. Do you know why that's really important? Because especially in the world that we're living in, there's prevailing narratives and actually research to suggest that men don't stick it out in the long haul.

[Melly]

Oh, no, I knew that. Hence why I was trying to head for the hills before he did it to me.

[Renee]

Not so self sabotage.

[Melly]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was self sabotaging. Because I remember the day I was diagnosed, we took. We ended up dropping our eldest nursery. We were just like, yes, this is a lot. The other two people crying from them, they won't remember, but she's gonna tell her mommy, daddy, so let's take her to nursery and then let's really like chop it up. So we took her to nursery and after we went to have lunch and that's when we, we had like our heartfelt conversations. And I remember that's when I was like to him, you know, you don't have to stay. We literally just got married. And this is not what you signed up for. For your wife to have like cancer or die from cancer or whatever. Like, you still have a life ahead of you. Enjoy that. And then that's when he just gave me a sad eye. And anyway, because you just had a. Momentarily, I'm just going to let you have that moment.

[Courtney]

Having a bad day, so let's just move on.

[Melly]

Yeah. So, yeah, that's literally what he was to me. And I remember when we spoke about it, he was like, yeah, that was insane. He was like, I think it's just kind of crazy that that was like one of the first things that you said to me when we had the opportunity to speak. Like, he was like, I don't know, it kind of lets me know where you're at. And he was like, I'm not sure if you are where you think you are, because it's a bit strange. He just couldn't understand that. He was like, it's weird that that's what you say when instead of you to Be like, you know, babe, like, to lean on me kind of thing. You're kind of like, pull back. Yeah. Yeah. She was like, I thought we'd been through this. I thought we had spoken through this. And I was like, I don't know. This is like a. This is deep. And I kind of, like, withdrew to what I knew I felt comfortable with, you know? But, yeah, after that, my. My relationship. After we spoke about that, and he was like, yeah, this is dead. Let's not even. We don't. We don't have the capacity to have this conversation. Okay. Let's just do what we need to do together are. And take it from there. And I feel like that really helps my relationship, because I really felt like, okay, cool. He's gonna be a pillar for sure. For sure. And I can lean on him. Yeah. I did not want to be that statistic child and be the woman that comes later to talk about her story. And it's like, oh, yeah, like, my husband left me. Like, I did not want that. I would have. I would have lied. Okay. I would have. Later when I came out, I would have lied. I would have said we were already going through issues, and before I found.

[Renee]

Out this was the cherry on top.

[Melly]

I would have said something. But, no, it made us closer. There were times, though, where we went through that. Uncomfortable, because I felt like he couldn't understand everything that I was going through, and I wanted him to feel it, to really get it, but obviously he couldn't. And that's the thing with cancer. Whether it's your husband, your mom, your sister, there's only so much they can feel. And that was when I remember I had a conversation with him, and I was like, you know, I think I'm gonna. Because my husband's very private, by the way. Very private. It's funny, because I remember when we first met, and he was like, yeah, so, like, what do you do? Awkward. Little did he know. Oh, yeah. Like, I do makeup. I do makeup online, but. But I have clients that pay me. So, yeah, like, it's. And he was, okay, so, like, what else? Like, what do you do in a day? I was like, oh, in the day. I film and I post it on YouTube. Like, and I remember he went back to the mutual friend. Like, meow. I don't know. Like, is this really all she does? And, yeah, and I feel like he grew to, like. But at first, he comes from a Nigerian household where literally, education is everything. Like, you need to have a job. Like, this is a hobby. Like, what you're describing to me right now is a hobby. And.

[Renee]

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[Courtney]

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[Renee]

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[Courtney]

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[Renee]

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[Courtney]

Whoa, easy there.

[Melly]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

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[Melly]

This is like at the start of like content creation. So it really wasn't a thing like that. There's no examples. Yeah. And I remember he said to me when I saw the amount of followers you had on your Instagram and back, it was only like maybe 15,000.

[Courtney]

But back then, that's a lot.

[Renee]

That was a lot.

[Melly]

He said, I felt sick. He was like, up, babe. He was at almost didn't continue pursuing me.

[Courtney]

I felt sick.

[Melly]

I felt sick.

[Courtney]

He said I gagged.

[Melly]

He said, he said I gagged. Gag. And he was like, I felt sick because he was like, I couldn't. Could. He was like, you have 15,000 people.

[Renee]

He was counting that number in his head. Boy.

[Melly]

Yeah. Like, he just. And he just couldn't understand it. And where, again, like, very private. He was like, I was worried because he was like, if I was to, you know, make you my significant other and we had a family, does that mean our privacy would be compromised? And he was like, there was a way that I wanted my kids to be raised and an idea that I had. Yeah. And yeah. And he was like, no, obviously I prayed about it and I spoke to, like, our mutual friend about it. And I got to know you. When I got to know you, I realized that you. The idea that I had painted of you. When I attached you to, like, all these followers, was not who you were. You were a normal person offline. And he was like, I liked that. And obviously, we're here today. Child, period. But, yeah, three kids later, in the ring. Yeah, girl, like, it stems. It stems back. But I remember when I said to him, I want to go public, I was scared because. Not scared because he's going to tell me no or anything like that. Scared because I was like, I always keep it at the back of my mind that those were his initial concerns. And even though, like, we're married and he can go. He's only human. Yeah, he's only human. And I didn't want that to, like, stir some things up in his heart, you know? And also I was thinking, I know where he's private. How did he want to go about this? Because it. It is about me. But when we're married and we have children, I have to consider my family. How is this going to affect them? And I was worried that, you know, he would have friends that maybe he hadn't spoken to in years that resurfaced. Did he want to have those conversations with people? How did he want to deal with it all? That kind of. Every time his friends see him now, they're tiptoeing around him when really his friends could have been a refuge to recharge and come back home to me with, you know, so that was my concern. And to my surprise, I remember, girls, I was shaking in my boots. Like, I was. I remember walking up to him in the kitchen, like, you know, babe. And then when I said it to him, he was like, I want you to. And it was like, I'm brief.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Melly]

Like, I was so happy. I remember I gave him, like, a really big hug. I was like, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Because I know you're thinking about me in this moment, and you're being really selfless, because I know. Leave it down to you if he ever he. Because I remember we had this conversation that if anything happens to me, don't even tell my. Like, don't tell no one. I want to go through this, me and you. And then on the other side, I decide to. I'll tell people this is what I dealt with last year, but I would never want to do that in real time. So I remember asking myself, like, are you sure? And he was like, do you know what, babe? Like, I've been praying about this, and it's a thing of where I can't be your everything. As much as, you know, people like to say that, you know, when you're married, like, that person is your everything. He was like, I am also human and there's only so much that I can do in this journey. And I remember he said to me that basically, you're gonna need to speak with people that's had cancer, and I haven't had cancer. So when you tell me something, it's going to. There's a cap as to what I can, like how I can relate with you. And knowing you, you're going to get frustrated with that. So he said, for your own sanity, I think you should go online because that's when with your following, you're definitely going to tap into different people and different communities. Yeah, that's going to be able to help you get through this. And this was even before I had my lumpectomy, the surgery. This was like maybe just a week or two after diagnosis. And I immediately knew that I needed community if I wasn't going to spiral. So to hear that he was on board about me having to convince him and to do the whole upper babe, I'm going to need. It was just nice. And I genuinely believe, I still don't believe that that was him. I really feel like that was God. I really feel like that was God just allowing him to be fluid and move and to just roll with the punches. But, yeah, so that's how that affected my relationship. If it wasn't for Community, I think there would have been a lot of pressure on my marriage.

[Renee]

No, I absolutely adore that. I love that you have such a supportive partner. Yeah. Like really a massive shout out to your husband and a shout out to all of the partners out there that are supporting and taking that supporting role.

[Melly]

Yes.

[Renee]

Especially given the context of being newlyweds and having to face this thing together that's super, super intense.

[Melly]

So it's really just that you had.

[Renee]

That respect response and talk to us about that.

[Melly]

The thing is that, like, we say men have ego. We all have ego. Right. But like, men, their ego. So that one is strong, baby. So you know that when a man is like, setting his ways about something. And again, like my husband's always said, anything that compromise my privacy, it's a no. Because then that means it will compromise my peace. And once my peace is compromised, I'm. I'm all over the place.

[Courtney]

So.

[Melly]

So to know that he parked his ego and became selfless in that moment, it was truly something because ego is what it ruins the enemy. It's really the enemy Ego is the enemy. It's the enemy. So that, that was a, that was a, that was a lesson that very moment. Even though it was an encounter with my husband and I loved him, blah, blah. But spiritually, I remember I took that back to God and I was like, yeah, like that's a lesson. And I need to do that more. Because one thing about me is maybe, maybe it's not even the ego, but it's one. I'm set on something. There's no. I'll be like, babe, why are you doing this? Like, no, I'm not having this. Like, no, no, no, no, please, like, let's not do this. But it shows me that sometimes you need to bend, that you need to be flexible because you're not always going to experience the average situation. This wasn't the average at all. Like, it was so crazy. Literally 26 at the time, just given birth. Just given birth times two. Just got married. Like it just wasn't the average. So yeah, I think it really, the.

[Renee]

Word that really came to mind for me was sacrifice.

[Melly]

Yes.

[Renee]

It's really understanding that when you are in relationship with people, especially people that you love, is rarely, especially a Christ centered relationship is rarely about you, but more so about God. It really is about death to self. And just hearing you articulate how your husband put aside his ego, in some ways he put aside his life really, because privacy being such a. Privacy being such a integral part of his life, for him to lay that aside because of something that you were experiencing and him actually taking that suffering to the extent that he could. Of course there was a cat, but him actually taking that on really just demonstrated sacrifice and really a sacrifice that's on par with the sacrifice that we see from Christ. So that was a really beautiful demonstration and long may it continue. I think about that's often an element of relationships that we don't talk about enough. It's the sacrifice sacrifice. It's the need to continue to prioritize death to self. What are the ways that I can serve this person? What are the ways that I can partake in suffering with this person? And I think what I also really loved was the fact that he recognized that you had a need that he couldn't fulfill. This whole idea of finding healing and camaraderie and a shared experience in community. So I would love to hear more about your experience in building community because obviously that's something that we love.

[Melly]

That's our whole bag.

[Renee]

Just something so beautiful but also something so healing about having community and community with people. That get it, or people that have experienced it, people that have walked the walk. Talk the talk. People that you can actually journey with. So talk to us about that.

[Melly]

I'm so excited to add. This is my favorite part. So, like, literally a word just came into my heart. So, like, I. I say community, but it was really fellowship. Like, the word fellowship, as you were saying that. It's like God is saying to me now. It's fellowship. And the reason why I say that is because they brought me closer to him. Not all communities do that. Okay? Some communities can bring you closer to self, and we know that's destruction now, child. Okay? But another conversation.

[Courtney]

No, this conversation.

[Renee]

Pack it inside this.

[Melly]

Don't worry. Right? So with this community, the thing is two things that have happened, right? It could have fed my ego. I could have fallen in love with the attention that I was getting from it, because obviously the views of you in the engagement is engaging. But it didn't do that. And it didn't do that because I understood God's assignment. So I didn't do that without God's permission, by the way, because going public was a big thing. And let me tell you, going public in real time, if things go left, will you still be public?

[Courtney]

You can't do that without God's grace.

[Melly]

Right? Because we see it all the time that people like the shame that happens. So hence why a lot of pregnant women don't do it, because anything can happen. And then they're having to do that guilt walk back onto social media to say, actually it didn't all work out that way. It's a lot. And I feel like that is the part that kills a lot of people, is that if you had. If you could just do that in private, the healing might even be more sufficient. Is that the word? I don't know. I feel like the healing would heal the way it needs to because you have that privacy.

[Renee]

Privacy, right.

[Melly]

But when it's done so publicly, you're not even thinking about your healing anymore. Like, you're not thinking of people. People's reactions and what they're gonna say. Yeah, right. So I remember when I. Before I even went to my husband, I. I was having conversations with God. But I've been. Like I said, I've been having conversations with God. Even my husband didn't know that when I'd done the biopsy. All of that, like, I'm talking to God. I'm literally talking to God. I'm listening, talking, listening, talking. And I said, God, you know, we also need to talk about where I had to make peace with death because that's a whole nother thing as well. And my mum wasn't happy with me going public in real time because, you know, you thought, I, we don't know what's caused this, someone put harm on you, all this type of stuff. Right. But then I knew what God had set out for me to do and no one could have gotten in the way of that. So when I went public and everything was just going viral, it was people sending prayers. Like my DMs was just prayers. It wasn't even only like, oh my God, I hopefully you get. No, like people were actually praying for me and that was a covering and a love that I had not felt like that in a while. And because my family in the UK aren't big, then it's just not big. So essentially my mom, my auntie, and then like their two children and then my husband's family is big, but as in my own, it's not so. And yes, I had my husband, but it's different when it's your own, your own blood, you know. So when I had that from strangers from South Africa, from Ghana, from Nigeria, from Algeria, from the US and Brazil, like people are sending me prayers and I'm here copying and pasting, putting into Google and then realizing it's a prayer. It's like, God, like, you're so kind, like your kindness is second to none. So it was that and then scriptures that not only were people praying, but they were sending scriptures to make reference to. So in all of that it was actually strengthening my faith where for a lot of people, like that whole viral moment will probably like get them into their own self selfish ways. But for me, it just kept leading me to God more and more and more. Wow. And as time went on and God was literally planting in my heart that what I should talk about Because I never wanted to speak out of turn. I'm not an expert. Like I've just gotten cancer. So I remember I was saying God, like, am I qualified to speak on certain things? Because like I don't want people to say, oh, like now that she's got cancer, she thinks that she can, you know, I was really concerned. There was a point where I let it get to me, my own self, self sabotaging in my own head, like God. Yeah. But I don't know if I should. I don't know if I could. Like, am I. And then every time I did it, the response and it was always God giving me confirmation. Like I have Called you to this. Like, you. Why do you care so much of the opinion of man? Like, I've called you for this. You said that prayer. Oh, let me tell you the prayer that I said. So, girls, when I was digging my world now child, it wasn't even about the postpartum depression anymore.

[Courtney]

I.

[Melly]

God used that to bring me to him. Because I remember when I started to get close with my relationship with God, it was no longer like, God, what should I do with the kids? It was literally like, how do I serve you? Because I remember feeling so unfulfilled, and I felt like I had kind of lost myself. Like, remember, guys, my first born was born in 2020. My contracts were getting pulled, okay? I had bags coming in with these good, good corporations and brands. And then everyone was withdrawing one by one, one by one, one by one, because they did not know what was happening. And that was the case for like, a solid two years, I would say. So in that time, I'm not really putting out content. I'm discouraged. I'm not feeling. They never came back. Those contracts never came back. Not one. So I had. And I'm like, okay, I've got this kid in, and now I'm pregnant again. Like, what's happening, God? So it was that time where I was digging, like, trying to really understand who I was, who God wants me to be as well, and just having those conversations with him. And then I remember, I don't know if you guys remember, I saw this conversation. I said to you guys, I wanted loads of kids. I was on the path of doing that, right? Two on the two. It was happening. And I remember saying to God, but this doesn't feel how I thought it would feel. Like, I thought it would fill that void. I thought that it would fill that lonely child that was still inside and that wanted the company. And then God quickly showed me that, no, no one is going to fill that void but me. So when I discovered that he put into my heart that I needed to serve, I remember hearing a word and it was something like, you can never truly. I can't remember off the top of my head, but, like, basically, you can never really pursue the things that God wants you to do. If it's anything outside of serving, that's what all God wants us for is to serve the body. Serve the body of Christ. So I said, okay, received. How am I going to do this? Like, I thought girls genuinely, right? I thought that me being able to make people feel good, all the thousands of people on the Internet, that was it genuinely. Until God revealed to me. No, that was your natural gift. That wasn't your spiritual gift. Because anyone can benefit from your natural gift, but your spiritual gift is for the church, is for him. It's for his glory. Me doing makeup online, and this is. No, like, this is still a brilliant thing that you can make someone feel good, but in you making them feel good, is it drawing them nearer to Christ? And I realized that where I wasn't even open about my faith, it wasn't doing that. It was capped at just making them feel good. And it's like. But good that that's nothing to God, essentially. Like, he can make you feel good. You don't even need the makeup to feel good about yourself. You don't need that supportive bar to feel good about yourself. You know? So I remember, girls, I said a prayer. I remember I was crying. You know, the ugly cry. Like that. It was that. And I remember I was by myself in my living room. I was, like, really, really, really late. My husband had already gone to bed. And I think I came downstairs to just be alone, and I was crying. And I was like, God, I just don't feel fulfilled. Like, how can I serve you? Make me serve you. In fact, I'm ready to serve you. Whatever you give me, I promise I'll take it. I just wanted to feel like I was doing something for the Lord. I just wanted to do whatever he had for me. And when I did that prayer, shortly cancer came. And that was when I. And that's why I say to you, my faith, it did not move because I remember the prayer that I made. I remember where I was, and I remember what I'd asked for. So that's why, like, I was so confident. And I remember us speaking to God, and I said, God, I'm gonna show you, because you know my heart, right? But I want to show you just how confident I am in you and your word that I'm gonna do this in real time. And if I need to die, I die. So be it. But I would die knowing that I did that thing that you called me to do. So that's what my mom was saying to me. But anything can go wrong. I didn't care because I was like, I was called to do this, and I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. And in me doing that, I hope God sees just how much I trust him. I'm like, God, because this is ultimately putting myself on the line now. I don't know what other way I could show you That I trust you, but I want to show you that I'm a servant. I've accepted the assignment, and I trust you with wherever you're going to take me with it.

[Renee]

So that's it.

[Melly]

That's literally what happened. And as the prayers flowed in, I was like, thank you, God. That these are the confirmations that I needed, that I'm on the right track. And when he started to, like, align me with certain brands to speak on certain things, and it just felt good. And I've never been so unapologetic about my faith until now. Before, I'd always withdraw a little bit because I'm like, you know, with makeup child, they're not going to want someone that. They just want someone that purely talks about makeup. Like, also, I felt a little bit at the beginning like a hypocrite. Like, here I am on YouTube, like, in bras, doing bra Tron halls. How do I say that I'm a woman of God? Like, is that how a woman of God should be doing all these type of things? You know? So when everything started happening, like I said, I started to walk boldly in my faith. I have never felt God move so much in my life. It's insane. It's insane what happens when you put yourself on that pedestal and you commit to what you told God that you're gonna do. And I don't know where I'm gonna be in future. And sometimes, like, the enemy gets in my head and like, oh, yeah, but how many of these come to Jesus moments have you had in your life? You've had so many of those. How many times are you gonna re. Give your life on the altar when they do the altar call? You've been up there so many times, girl. I was equipped.

[Courtney]

So was I.

[Melly]

Don't worry. Can I just go?

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Melly]

I was battling. I was like, am I going to do this again? Am I going to do this? How many times have I. But I will do it every single time if it means that, you know, I need that revival. I need that. That I need that. That fire, that holy ghost fire to re light my spirit. Like, I'm gonna do it every single time, and there's no shame in it. Amen.

[Courtney]

Said that. And don't let the devil lie to you. There's no shame in it. Because he's just a filthy liar. He's just a filthy liar. His breath stinks. I hope he knows that. No, because it's a filthy lie. You should be too ashamed to go to the place where God takes our shame away from us and puts on his righteousness, his peace, his affirmation. And it's shame that's going to make you turn away when literally that's the exchange. And I, I can just sense a big well done. Because people don't understand that trials and tribulation are something you steward.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Because God gives them to you as. And it's that job thing. Right. Like touch my servant job and let's see what happens.

[Melly]

Right?

[Courtney]

Let's actually see what happens. If he doesn't steward sickness, well, if he doesn't steward grief, well, if he doesn't steward loss, well, then we'll really know where his heart is at concerning me and how he really feels about me. And we get hit with seasons of trial, tribulation, sadness, depression, whatever. And it's not to glorify suffering and not to say that God loves to put us through suffering. But what he does do is watch. What he does do is watch. How is my child going to act when I'm. It looks like I'm not in the room, but I'm still in the room, right? I'm still, still in the room. I can imagine as a mother, if your, if your child knows you ain't in the room.

[Melly]

Do you remember that trend when they would leave a suite, literally the camera's.

[Courtney]

On because the parent is always watching. I'm gonna see how you act. And I think it's remembering that when you are given a trial is an opportunity, one to suffer as Christ suffered and to remember that after Christ's suffering was a glory. Right. Was like Christ suffered, laid down his life and then onto him was given the name above all names. Maybe the thing that you are searching for lays on the other side of a crucifixion, on the other side of a suffering. And I think what you so beautifully shared around my prayer was, God, how can I serve you? And then God's response was cancer or God, you know, a trial of some kind. And not to say he gave it to you because we know he's a good God. But allowing the enemy to touch you in some way or allowing you to go through, you know, a reminder that you are human. And so how will you withhold the flesh and allow your spirit to grow?

[Melly]

Yes.

[Courtney]

That's a big thing that you need to have a perspective shift to be able to see that that's an assignment. And that's the key word that you use. Right. This suffering is an assignment. And how I use it will allow me to serve people. It will allow Me to become more like Christ. It will allow me to keep my flesh, kill my flesh and my ego. It will allow me to cling to him more, but it also allow me to be a demonstration of his glory. And it takes a lot to believe that God is going to lead you to a cross and then also resurrect you after you die. That's the biggest sign of faith.

[Melly]

Because I remember when I was going through all of that and I made peace with. How do we. Can I talk on some things, do you think? Right when I made peace with death, it was like I had to tell God. Not even tell God, but tell certain people. Like, do you know the amount of victorious things that can happen in the passing of someone's life? Prime example. Jesus, like, don't piss me off. Are you a Christian or not? Are you a believer or not? Be for real. Literally. Our Savior, it's oily. Like, oily. So I remember saying to myself, do you know what? I'm gonna prep for that as well. Like, I do want to be prepared for, like, with my children or whatever. And I want to show God it was. I can't lie, guys. A lot of this was me proving myself, myself to God. I wanted to really prove to God that God, I'm even okay with you taking my life. That's how much I wanted to live a life laid down for you. And it was sad because the only sad thing was I was just thinking about my kids. But then at the same time, I was like, you know, once you're gone, you're gone, and you're not gonna know, okay? You're not gonna know nothing about these kids, okay? So you're feeling like this now because there's life in you. But you know, when. When you go. And ultimately, it should be an honor to die as a Christian because you're that much closer to me in Christ. And I had to really check myself and say, like, if you want to live so bad, there's something you're scared of. You must. You must be scared of hell, okay? Because the reality is, surely you would want to be in heaven right now. Heard the earth is ghetto. Let me tell you something, baby. Why do we want to get.

[Renee]

We are not interested. According.

[Courtney]

But we're here for a reason.

[Melly]

But we're here for a reason. And that was also my prayer to God. Like, God, if I am going to live, please, like, use me. Use me. Let me be a vessel. Let me be a catalyst. Like, use me. And that. That's when. Even when Satan tried To say to me that, no, you're doing too much. Why are you always posting this? Why are you posting an update about that? No one's gonna care. Like, you're not doing this. Guys, let me tell you something. This is a way that I communicate. And to my sisters, I encourage you to do this, too. When you want to speak to God, right, and you want to ask him something, and you want to hear his voice clearly, do not tell a soul, because the mind plays games. You will tell someone. And in one way, let me say something. You see Satan, Satan is not as powerful as we think he is. Satan doesn't know everything. He knows what we tell him. He doesn't know what we're thinking. He just puts thoughts in our head. He doesn't know what's in the heart. He will just throw something in the mix, hoping it banks, but he doesn't really know what's going on there. And I. When I clocked that T, I said, I'm not giving you nothing. I'm not saying nothing prematurely anymore because that's how you catch me every time. So I said, okay, God, I'm gonna let your voice be final here, and you tell me if I'm doing the right thing. So I remember I asked God in my heart. I didn't even pray it out loud. That's how guarded I was. In my heart, I was like, God, am I doing the right thing, or am I getting caught up in this? And then now I'm just doing it. I don't want to just do this, to do this. Like, I want it to be your will. So I said, give me a sign that I can only know it's from you. I was like, cool. I'm not going to tell my husband. I'm not going to tell my family. I'm not going to tell my friends. So that when you give me this sign, it can only be from you. I go to the hospital to do my radiotherapy, right? I'm sitting, waiting for my name to come up on the screen, to get into the cubicle and to get changed, to go in to do radiotherapy. I am sitting. This black lady walks past me. She doubles back, and I see her kind of like, come back. I was like, oh, no, someone noticed me. And I haven't even got hair. I'm looking dead today. I'm in this beanie. Like, I have no eyebrows. I didn't put my fake eyebrows on.

[Renee]

I was like, oh.

[Melly]

Oh, God, I look dead. Why? Why, why? Anyway, she come up to me. She was like, sister, I was like, hi, do I know you from anywhere? Like, you know, have we. You know? She was like, no, we don't know each other, but I just want to ask what you're doing here. And I was like, oh, I'm a patient. I'm about to go in for radio. She was like, no. How old are you? I was like, 27. She was like, what are you doing here? And I was like, well, I just told you I had breast cancer, lady. You. She was like, I think me and you need to work together. And I was like, work together? I was like, are you one of the radio. Because I thought she was one of the radiographers. Yeah. She was like, no. So I'm like. It was like the head of community at macmillan. And I was like, okay, that's interesting. She was like, I don't know, but I've seen you come in a few times. I just didn't want to approach you. But because you're sitting down, I fought to speak to you. She was like, there's too many black sisters coming in, and some of them are younger than you. We need to reach them. And I was thinking, why are you saying that to me? You don't know me. And she was like, how can we work together to reach the masses?

[Courtney]

And she didn't even know.

[Melly]

And I was like, influence, right? That was the part that spun me. And she was like, how can we work together to reach the masses? And I was like, well, funny you say that. That's the advocacy and the work that I'm doing now online. She was like, no way. And then we. And then we started, and I showed her my Instagram. She was like, no, let's do it. Let's do it.

[Courtney]

Let's do it.

[Melly]

Anyway, she was like, come and see me at my office after your session. Went to see her. We spoke. I mentioned God in that conversation. She said to me, you know, I turned cold to Jesus because she had experienced. She was from Rwanda and the war there. She said, I experienced the genocide. She said I experienced, basically, her mom get essayed by the soldier. She said, I had experienced so much, and my mom was such a firm, firm believer in Christ, I just couldn't understand why he would let that happen to her. But she was like, after everything you've told me today and the way we've connected, he was like. She was like, I feel like he's somehow trying to come back into my heart. And in that moment, all I could do in my heart was praise and worship. I was like, glory be to God. Glory be to God. Glory be to God. Because for me to get that confirmation that, yeah, you need to keep doing this, you need to spread it to the masses. That's what she said. Like, we need to get it to masses. And I remember asking God, God, am I doing too much online? And then to have that. It was just that kind of confirmation. And I remember saying, God, thank you for letting me know that I can communicate to you in this way and it's valid. So going forward, my thing has always been try to not speak too prematurely. Really spend time with God and let God know that God, that if you're going to speak to me, I'm going to understand it because you're the only one that knows what's up. And yeah, like I would say that's just the beauty of involving God in your day to day life. And I can't believe that I did so many years about doing this, guys. Like, it's so jarring because it would. It's so annoying because it's like, I could have saved myself from this. I could have saved myself from that. I didn't have to go through this. But we're here. And I'm also happy that those things happen. That actually. Because it's giving me a different understanding of how God works, you know.

[Renee]

Yeah, but God is so good, man.

[Courtney]

You know what, there's definitely a part two and three.

[Renee]

Yeah, no, I was literally thinking, exactly.

[Courtney]

You have to come back. And I just want to say, I know with like the influence in space, content, creation, space, beauty, space, it's often pegged as super shallow.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

But the depth that God has built in you is so beautiful to see your wells run deep. And it has been through. You've stewarded your suffering of excellence. And it's only by the grace of God and it's shining through you. So keep chasing after him and sister. Thank you.

[Renee]

Yeah, thank you.

[Melly]

Wow.

[Renee]

Thank you. Like, just listening to your story actually gave me real change chills as we were speaking. I genuinely was giving. Oh, Holy Spirit is speaking here. And I think, first of all, I love how comfortable you were with death, how comfortable you were with speaking about and getting up and close, getting up close and personal with things that really scare people or really strike fear in people. I think the fearlessness that you've demonstrated in sharing your story has liberated so many people that live lives of fear. And thank you. I really pray that the people that are listening to this episode are ten times more blessed than we have been sitting listening to it real time. So God bless you. And even in stewarding your suffering and in building your wells, I really pray that God continues to dig deeper.

[Melly]

Yeah.

[Renee]

I think the fact that you've been able to build such a platform for your natural gift and then now have God come through and work in you in this way. Wow.

[Melly]

Yeah.

[Renee]

God is not done with you yet.

[Courtney]

Thank you. Wow, that's amazing. Well, before you leave.

[Renee]

Yes.

[Courtney]

You have to leave the system. I mean, you've given them plenty, actually, to be very honest. But you have to leave the sisters with something.

[Melly]

How greedy.

[Courtney]

But we have to do the work for the people. What's your. To my sisters.

[Melly]

Okay. So to my sisters, this may not be as deep as you think it's going to be, but what I will say is to really understand your temple and to trust your temple. And obviously by temple, I mean body. I feel like if I understood my body and I trusted myself to speak up, when that first midwife came home, I would have said to her, no, I still want to be tested. But I didn't because I didn't know my body and I wasn't comfortable enough to do so. So that is what I want to leave with you. Learn your temple, feed your temple with the right things in all ways, and really advocate for yourself when you need to.

[Courtney]

Beautiful you. We are grateful, and we can't let you go without giving you something. So we want to pray for you before we end this episode.

[Melly]

Do you want to go ahead, miss?

[Renee]

I'm happy to do your thing.

[Melly]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Jesus.

[Renee]

It's okay. Okay. Heavenly Father, we thank you for the life of our dear sister Nelly. Father, we thank you that she has been a good servant, but also a good steward. And Father, I just pray that even as she is going from strength to strength and she is continuing to go deeper into that calling, Father, I just pray that you would help her to run with a boldness, a boldness that even precedes the next season that she is entering into. And Father, I just pray that even as she is going into dark places, that she would bring light. Even as your word says that we are a light that is set atop a hill. Father, I just pray that even as Nellie stepped steps into her next season that she would be a light to those that are currently in darkness. And Father, we just pray that you would continue to eradicate all fear that exists and lives on the inside of her heart. Father, we thank you for the relationships and the community that she's been able to build. Father, I thank you for the Life of her husband, I thank you for the life of her precious children. Father, in the same way that you've been able to knock at the door of her heart and actually found a place to rest your own head and actually, actually speak to your servant, Father, I pray that she would be able to help others to do the same and to let you in. And Father, we just pray that she would even have the knowledge, the wisdom and the love to be able to speak to others, oh God. And that even as you have gifted her with this platform to be able to speak to the breadth of people, Father, we just pray that you would honor the desire for depth on the inside of her, oh God. To be able to speak to the depth of people. And Father, we just pray that this one would be one that would be able to speak, speak of and also facilitate great healing. Oh God. Not just healing in terms of the physical, to be able to spark hope in those that are dealing with physical ailments, oh God. But even in the deep emotional and spiritual where people are dealing with these deep pains on the inside of them, oh God, we just pray that you would give her the power and that she would be able to behold your manifest presence, to be able to be a glory carrier, but also to see that deep healing that our generation needs. And Father, even as this is one that works in the area of beauty and aesthetics, Father, we just pray that even as she spends time marveling in your beauty and in your presence, that she would be able to see the beauty in other people and that she.

[Courtney]

Would be able to pull out the.

[Renee]

Beauty so that they may be able to see how you have made them. Father, we pray these things in Jesus name.

[Courtney]

Amen.

[Melly]

Amen. Thank you girlies. So much, much.

[Courtney]

We love you always. Girls too.

[Melly]

Man, that was deep. That was deep. I was just trying to keep it together, but that was already deep. That was already deep.

[Courtney]

Whenever. Well, woo, sisters, I wish you could be in this room. There's a lot going on. But thank you, thank you for coming, thank you for sharing and thank you for sharing that journey with the Internet. It's a gift that you didn't know, but you gave. So thank you. And sisters, thank you for sharing your time and listening to the pod. If you want more of the gorgeous deep anointedness, then go and follow her across all socials. Not only will she get you right in here, out here, you'll be looking good too. That was good.

[Melly]

That was good. That was getting real.

[Renee]

I'm going hand that one to you.

[Courtney]

Not going to lie. Not going to lie. So, yeah, sisters, go and follow her absolutely everywhere and support the community you're building as well.

[Melly]

So it's called Touchy Feely, but the app is. We get Touchy Feely where I really want to foster storytelling because I really. There's so much power in that. And encourage black women to share their journey and experience with cancer.

[Courtney]

Amazing. Yeah, please go and touch that. Go and. Well, touch it, touch it. Touch button and follow it. So, yeah, we love you.

[Melly]

We love you.

[Courtney]

You two pieces.

[Renee]

Don't forget that you can also follow us and follow all things to my sisters, my sisterhood on all platforms. And whilst you're at it, make sure you follow my lovely bestie at cdb. And of course, come and follow me over at Rene Kapuku.

[Courtney]

We love to see your sisters. We'll see you in our next episode.

[Renee]

And as always, keep glowing and growing.

To make switching to the new Boost Mobile risk free, we're offering a 30 day money back guarantee.

[Courtney]

So why wouldn't you switch from Verizon or T Mobile?

[Renee]

Because you have nothing to lose. Boost Mobile is offering a 30 day money back guarantee.

[Courtney]

No, I asked why wouldn't you switch from Verizon or T Mobile? Wouldn't.

[Renee]

Because you love wasting money as a way to punish yourself because your mother never showed you enough love as a child.

[Courtney]

Whoa, easy there.

[Melly]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Applies to online activations. Requires port in and auto pay customers. Activating in stores may be charged non refundable activation fees.