Renee (34:12)
It actually comes in waves. So we can have a conversation. And it's like, yeah, everything is all settled. But it's like, oh, maybe next week. And I'm pissed. Like, we'll have a conversation. It's like, oh, maybe next week. Oh, I still feel triggered by this. And so understanding that you'll have to go through multiple iterations and understand that healing is also not a linear journey, even within a friendship. So you may not necessarily feel like, oh, we're not. We're no longer friends. But there are still some wounds that need to be treated. Much like wounds in, like, life in general. Right? You get a car and it's like, oh, that hurts. Put some salve on it. It doesn't heal in a day, and room wasn't built in a day. So I think it's the persevering through the difficulties, persevering through the communication, persevering through the multiple iterations, persevering through the communication to get to the end point. And even knowing that there's no real, like, end point per se. I think what this has, the last couple of months have really taught me is that friendship really is active. There will never be a dormant period. You're always going to be working on something in the relationship. It's just that in this particular season, because everything else was squeezed, it's like this stuff is coming right to the top. Like, you can no longer push it to the side or whatever. Like, you actually need to spend some real time and intentionality in this area. I think also you already mentioned it, but us actually doing the work individually, because I think it's very easy to want to do stuff and mend stuff together. But then there's certain elements of our individuality that we have to deal with alone. And I think also being fine with that because, dude, there's always going to be moments where you're like, oh, if we could just do this together. And it's like, no, you're going through your process. I'm also going through my process. There'll be times where we come together and, you know, we share, we break bread, we communicate, we overcome. But then there's also a personal journey that actually needs to be done individually. And I think if there's one again, man, multiple learners. But if there's one thing that I was really, really forced to realize is that, damn, you actually, like, I actually have my own life. You have your own life, and you have to go through your process, I have to go through mine and be impatient with that. And then also, I think also where we lack capacity, being forced to build it, because I. I won't say that I was, like, super emotionally unavailable. I wasn't like, you know, a robot or anything like that. But I think my capacity to really understand my Emotions, but also other people's emotions and how it can linger and fester completely shot up because you, you start to realize, oh, wow, like not in like a simplistic way, but like people deal with things in a, at greater depth than you might think. It's not just about being angry, but it's like there's layers to it. There's different, there's different elements of something that may have offended someone and vice versa. And so even catching myself, like, oh my gosh, I feel some type of way about this in this particular moment and then letting it pass, or like, oh, this really annoyed me and then letting it pass. I think also lots of things, man, but I think also starting to identify where your thoughts end and where the enemies begins. So realizing that, yeah, you may have a valid emotion about a particular grievance, but then when it starts to continue to circulate, then knowing, ah, that's a ploy of the enemy to really hyper fixate on something. And as somebody that, that's often the way that my brain works in terms of I will zero in on something and upset. I'm an overthinker, we're still working on it, all of them things there. But I have a predisposition towards overthinking. So you'll take the most, smallest thing and be, what did this mean? I was like, what was that? What was that? When you start to hyper fixate on negative things, being able to identify in that moment, oh, actually, because of what I know of this person, because I know of what I know of this relationship, because of what I know of this covenant, this isn't true. And actually attacking those thoughts when they come. We often talk about attacking thoughts when they come in the context of the Christian walk, in the context of our relationship with God and all of the things that we do wrong. But in the context of a relationship, actually challenging some of the thoughts that may come to your head actively, especially within a relationship where that's not necessarily been tested before. So it's like, oh, thought pops into your head. This doesn't feel right. And this doesn't feel like it's in tandem to what I know of my friend or like what I feel about my friend, that's, that's where that, that has been exploited by the enemy. So being super on it, especially in, when you're in a state of like, heightened emotions or like, you know, there's some friction, that's when it's the easiest for the enemy to latch onto some of those residual emotions and drive it forward, and that becomes the prevailing emotion. So I think it really is that, and I think it is sometimes overriding, man. Overriding where your emotions can lead you. I think it's something that we often say on this podcast, like, they're great indicators, but their emotions can be terrible leaders. You'll find yourself in such a ditch so, so quickly. And I think trust and being committed to rebuilding trust has definitely been something that I think that we've really shown at. In the last kind of couple of weeks slash, months. And it's really funny when you're talking about, like, the whole experience of, like, maid of honor and stuff like that, because, like, in my head as well, I was thinking, oh, I don't know if. Not necessarily if you had, like, bad intentions, but it was more. So I don't know if our relationship has healed enough for you to feel comfortable taking that position, if that makes sense. And I. There was also a part of, like, almost guilt where I was like, oh, I don't really want this to also feel like a burdensome experience. Because our friendship had felt burdensome in, like, certain. In a. Literally the preceding season. Like, oh, my gosh, like, it has been so taxing to try and, like, fix this thing of taxing to pursue healing that it's like, oh, to not add this on top. It's like, I don't want this to feel burdensome, but it's like persevering. Exactly. Person persevering through that and not allowing that overthinking reflex to kick in and challenging it when it. When it comes. What else did we do that was actually helpful? But, yeah, I think patience as well. Again, patience. These things take time. Sometimes these child. Just patience. Like we are. As you mentioned that earlier on Eva, in this episode or the one that's just proceeding, it is respecting that. We're both forming. We're both transitioning. And I loved what you were saying about, like, leave and cleave, because it's like, oh, now this man, he's forced to listen to me. He's actually forced. If I wake up in the morning, you're forced. There's nothing that you can do. You have to. To comfort me and vice versa. And being able to develop that level of intimacy in tandem with developing a new kind of intimacy, I think made for greater capacity for both of us to be ultimately better friends, better partner, and better partners and better people.
