"I got everything I wanted... but I'm not happy?" - Dealing with Unfulfillment

Summary

Podcast Summary: "To My Sisters"
Episode: "I got everything I wanted... but I'm not happy?" - Dealing with Unfulfillment
Release Date: May 4, 2025

Hosted by Courtney Daniella Boateng & Renée Kapuku

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Introduction

In the enlightening episode titled "I got everything I wanted... but I'm not happy? - Dealing with Unfulfillment," hosts Courtney Daniella Boateng and Renée Kapuku delve deep into the pervasive issue of achieving one's goals yet feeling a lingering sense of unfulfillment. This conversation resonates especially with women navigating the complexities of modern adulthood, ambition, and personal growth.

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The Unfulfillment Paradox

The episode opens with Courtney setting the stage for a candid discussion on the unsettling reality that often follows the attainment of long-sought goals. She emphasizes the common narrative shift from relentless pursuit to unexpected dissatisfaction:

Courtney [03:08]:
"We often focus a lot of our conversations on the pursuit—how to achieve your goals, how to practically work towards them. But one conversation that needs to be had is the reality of not finding fulfillment in the things that you hoped would fill you."

Renée echoes this sentiment, highlighting the internal void that can persist despite external successes:

Renée [03:46]:
"We have this idea of what success looks like, what fulfillment is, and we end up achieving those things, but then we realize, no, actually, I'm not happy here."

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Insecurities Despite Success

A significant portion of the discussion centers around the insecurities that surface even after reaching personal or professional pinnacles. Renee shares a profound observation on societal expectations placed upon women:

Renee [01:39]:
"I think especially with women, society tells us you should be happy. Why aren't you happy? And it's like, I don't know. I'm trying to figure that part out too. But please don't make the fact that I am not happy now a crime."

Courtney builds on this by illustrating how insecurities can coexist with achievements, thereby complicating the journey towards genuine happiness:

Courtney [32:05]:
"Your insecurities are valid. I don't care how high you have climbed, I don't care where you're at, I don't care what vantage point. Your insecurities are valid."

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The Cost of Ambition

The hosts delve into the often-overlooked costs associated with ambition. Conversations reveal how the relentless chase for goals can lead to sacrifices in personal relationships, health, and overall well-being:

Renee [36:44]:
"A lot of us get to where we wanted to be, and now suddenly we are there and we're alone. We are there and we're burnt out. We are there and we're actually broke. Like, we're there and we are broken."

Courtney responds with poignant analogies, emphasizing the irreversible nature of certain trades made in pursuit of success:

Courtney [35:53]:
"It's like trading a friend for the marriage. You trade your health for the career. These trades are made, and at the end, you can't undo them."

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Validating Insecurities and Mental Health

Addressing mental health, the podcast underscores the importance of acknowledging and validating one's insecurities and emotional struggles. Renee discusses the detrimental effects of societal pressure on women's mental well-being:

Renee [17:56]:
"Please don't make the fact that I am not happy now a crime. I am allowed to feel discontent or unhappy or depressed even when I have good things in my life."

Courtney adds by advocating for the creation of safe spaces where women can openly express their vulnerabilities without fear of judgment:

Courtney [34:15]:
"We need to create real community spaces where women can feel safe enough to admit they're insecure. It's about allowing ourselves to exist in both joy and insecurity simultaneously."

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Celebrating the Journey

A recurring theme is the significance of embracing and celebrating the journey rather than fixating solely on the destination. Both hosts encourage listeners to find joy in daily achievements and milestones:

Renée [46:09]:
"To my sisters, how you get there is just as important as where you're going. The journey is the most enjoyable part and where you make all the memories."

Courtney reinforces this by urging women to appreciate their current accomplishments and the progress they've made:

Courtney [44:36]:
"Celebrate each milestone, even the small ones. It's not just about reaching the top but acknowledging every step you took to get there."

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Listener Dilemma and Advice

Midway through the episode, Courtney and Renee address a listener’s heartfelt dilemma about feeling stuck in a turbulent household and battling long-term depression despite professional success. They offer compassionate advice emphasizing the importance of seeking professional help, controlling what one can, and finding joy in smaller aspects of life:

Courtney [27:24]:
"I would suggest seeking professional help, especially if you've been battling depression for so long. Therapy can provide the support you need."

Renee [27:54]:
"Find spaces of safety where you can be honest about how you feel. Don’t isolate yourself thinking you have to appear perfectly happy."

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Conclusion

As the episode draws to a close, the hosts encapsulate their key messages, reinforcing the necessity of balancing ambition with personal well-being. They encourage listeners to reflect on their journeys, validate their emotions, and cherish the present moments as integral parts of their lives:

Courtney [44:36]:
"You're celebrating not just the big achievements but also the small steps that got you there. Count the costs and appreciate what you have now."

Renée [40:07]:
"Wisdom says that we can do everything. We just need to know how to make it happen without losing ourselves in the process."

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Final Takeaways

1. Acknowledge Unfulfillment: Recognize that achieving goals does not automatically equate to happiness. It's essential to understand and address underlying feelings of dissatisfaction.

2. Validate Emotions: Allow yourself to feel a spectrum of emotions, including insecurities and unhappiness, without judgment.

3. Balance Ambition and Well-being: Strive for success without compromising your health, relationships, and personal satisfaction.

4. Celebrate the Journey: Find joy in the process and daily milestones rather than fixating solely on end goals.

5. Seek Support: Engage with supportive communities and professionals to navigate emotional and mental challenges.

6. Reflect and Adjust: Regularly evaluate what truly matters to you and be willing to adjust your goals and methods accordingly.

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Reflection Questions

To help listeners internalize the episode's lessons, Courtney and Renee propose reflective activities:

1. Identify Unfulfilling Achievements:
   "Write down a moment that you once aspired towards and actually achieved but didn't fulfill you as expected. Analyze why it didn't fulfill you."

2. Letter to Your Younger Self:
   "Write a letter to your younger self celebrating her achievements and reflecting on how far you've come, fostering a sense of gratitude and self-appreciation."

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"To My Sisters" continues to offer a sanctuary for women to explore the multifaceted dimensions of their lives, promoting holistic wellness, growth, and the strengthening of sisterhood across the globe.

Transcript

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[Courtney]

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[Renee]

Hi, it's Courtney and Renee from the To My Sisters Podcast and this episode is sponsored by the Long Wave, a free weekly newsletter from the Guardian.

[Courtney]

Now sisters, if you've ever felt like our stories, our global black experiences deserve more depth, more nuance, more spotlight, the Long Wave might be just what you've been looking for.

[Renee]

Written by Guardian columnist Nezrin Malik and edited by Jason Okundaye, this newsletter brings you rich report, fresh commentary and powerful features from across Africa, the us, the uk, the Caribbean and beyond. Whether it's music, politics, business or beauty, it's a space where our culture, our voices and our realities are thoughtfully explored and conversations which are often limited to social media and WhatsApp groups are amplified.

[Courtney]

If you love the conversations we have here, on To My Sisters. We think you'll love what the Long Wave is building too. Sign up to the Long Wave for [e-mail] thelongwave25 we're going to be talking about the reality of feeling unfulfilled at the top. You got what you wanted, so why aren't you happy?

[Renee]

I think especially with women like society tells us you should be happy. Why aren't you happy? And it's like, I don't know. I'm trying to figure that part out too. Like, I don't know. But please don't make the fact that I am not happy now a crime.

[Courtney]

Yes, you can be excited and happy having a baby, but yes, your insecurities are also valid.

[Renee]

What actually matters on this journey? Right? My health matters. Community matters.

[Courtney]

Many of us are trading things without understanding the value of what we actually Absolutely.

[Renee]

I am a small girl.

[Courtney]

I'm just.

[Renee]

I'm just a small girl. Can't roll with the big boys. Hello and welcome to the team My Sisters Podcast. I'm Courtney.

[Courtney]

And I'm Renee and we are your online sisters and hosts of the To My Sisters podcast.

[Renee]

We are all about promoting the wellness, growth and development of a community of sisters around the world.

[Courtney]

And in today's episode, we're going to be talking about the reality of feeling Unfulfilled, at the top. You got what you wanted, so why aren't you happy?

[Renee]

A question.

[Courtney]

Ooh. Very excited to talk about this one today, friends, because we often focus a lot of our conversations about the pursuit. Right. You know, how to achieve your goals, how to practically work towards it, how to make sure everything is in the right, you know, place to be able to get to that place. But I think one conversation that needs to be had is the reality of not finding fulfillment in the things that you hoped would fill you.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Getting to that place, getting to the end, and realizing that, ah, there's still a hole in me that needs to be filled. And the things that I thought would bring me joy and happiness and peace, I'm doing not that at all. And in fact, sometimes may even be contributing to my sense of consternation. But anyways, I want us to kick off this conversation talking about that uncomfortable truth. Right. You're working towards a goal or you're working towards something that you've really been fighting for. It was part of your vision board at the beginning of a year, and you find yourself at the end of the race, and still you're left feeling unfulfilled.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

So talk to me a little bit about that uncomfortable truth, the reality of getting to the end and still feeling like it's not enough.

[Renee]

Yeah. It's not easy, man. Like, I think for a lot of us, we have this idea at some point in our life of, like, what success looks like, what we want, what fulfillment is, and we end up maybe achieving all of those things, you know, go getters. We love it. And then you realize, no, actually, no, I don't. For some reason, I'm not happy here. I'm not. This is not it. Yeah. And I think it's a deep, sometimes discontentment. Sometimes it's a realization that you've chased the wrong thing. Sometimes it's getting there and realize you've got the right thing with the wrong people.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And it's sometimes a moment of deep reflection as to what went wrong. Like, I thought this thing would satisfy me. I thought this would be the answer to literally all of my problems. And it turns out, no, I'm not happy. You know, I'm not happy with this job. I'm not happy in this field of study. I'm not happy in this relationship even though we've been together for years. Or, like, I'm not happy with the way I look anymore. I just. This ain't it. You know, it's tough. It's tough because it feels like it's a waste of effort. Yeah, it feels like it's been a waste of time. It feels like there's something wrong with us actually. Like, I thought I would be happy right now and I'm not. And I think it's realizing that you might not have got things wrong, but maybe your desires have changed. The person who you were when you started this journey is not who you are at the end of it. And so just because you've arrived doesn't mean that this place now caters to all of your present needs in this evolved version of who you are. And I think that's the crux of the matter. Like, we evolve as people, we evolve as women. And like I've, I've realized in myself, in relationships, I'm evolving, in my career, I'm evolving, my desires are different. And sometimes you get to a place which once was your pinnacle and now you realize it's just the foundation for the next, you know, adventure that you're going to go on in this department of your life and that's okay. Like, I think sometimes that discontentment that we can feel when we've reached a milestone is a sign that like, there's more to go and keep going. And that's actually quite inspirational. Or sometimes it can fill us with some existential dread around like, whoa, if this doesn't fulfill me, I don't know what will. And so that requires some deep soul searching and also realizing that it's okay to not be static in your life. Like, it's okay for you to have achieved that perfect picture and realize that life is a video girl. Next scene, next scene. And so for me, I think I've gotten to a stage in this season. I'll be completely transparent when I've realized where I've realized that like, okay, I have a lot of the things that I want. I haven't got everything, child. Someone wants to give me £2 million specifically, then I'll really be where I want to be. But I've gotten a lot of what I wanted. Like when I think back to 18 year old me, 15 year old me, I was talking about this in therapy the other day, like, because my therapist was asking if you were to talk to your 13 year old self, like, what would she say? And I was like, you know what? I think she would like, I think she'll be really excited and think, wow, like you did it. You are actually the woman that we aspired to be. Like the people that we used to look up to. Damn Girl, you are actually her. Why are you so unhappy? Like, it reminds me of that, that trend that's happening right now. I met my 15 year old self for coffee and I love that. And I think if I met my 15 year old self for coffee, she'd be like, wow, like you are that girl. Why are you not fully happy? And I think my response to that would be everything that we thought happiness was and success was at your age, babe was truly about escaping a toxic situation. And now you're in a space of thriving and you're not in that toxic space anymore. You now need to discover what it looks like to be be in this. And your discontentment is around the fact that you're used to drastic differences now. You're used to, I need to escape the hood. I need to get out of survival mode. You're used to working grinding 20 hour days because you're broke. You're used to that. You're used to extremes, right? Yeah, you don't need to live in that anymore. You don't need to live in that survival mode. You don't need to live in that fear anymore. But to some degree, you fell in love with the, the hustle. You fell in love with the grind. You don't need to hustle and grind like that anymore. And now you don't know what to be in love with. And I think for me it's like, okay, I'm so used to working, I'm so used to working from a place of fear. And now that I can work from a place of fulfillment, I'm like, I don't understand, like, what are we running from? And it's like, you don't have to run from anything. Like, you're good. You don't need to be motivated by fear anymore. I think a lot of us don't know how to operate from that kind of place. But yeah, how about you?

[Courtney]

That's so good. Genuinely resonates so much with my own experience. I think for me, the discontentment can sometimes come from a couple of things. So the first thing for me was the pressure to chase the perfect as a remedy for the pains that I'm currently experiencing. And then getting to that place and realizing that the things that I wanted are not perfect. So, you know, wanting to find a spouse and get married, those things are not inherently perfect. Those things need to be worked at. The thriving relationships with my friends to feel like I have a thriving community. Those things are not perfect. They're also things that need to be worked on. And one thing that you had said in one of our conversations recently is the fact that a lot of these things that we achieve come with responsibility. And it's a reflection that you've shared online as well. A lot of the things that we want come with responsibility. And I think there's a part of me and probably a part of some other people whereby we think that achievements like vindicate us of responsibility, we've gotten to the place so there's not that much more work to do. And there can be a real frustration in achieving something and then realizing that things have changed and that the goalpost almost keeps moving. And what I thought would bring me a sense of fulfillment, what I thought would force me to be in the present is actually something that I have to continue to work on. And that's really tough. Especially when you are trying to escape a previous season. Like as you were saying, when I think back to my 13, 14, 15 year old self, I think she'll be looking at me like, girl, you did that. I'm so happy for you. You got to a place where, you know, all the things that we had dreamed of, you've got them. But then when I think about all of the things that I wanted, I'm like, dang, I still have so much to do, but also I have a lot of responsibility and I need to take care of myself. But there's also things that I need to take care of. It's almost like working towards a car, getting a car. It's like, yeah, I'm saving up. I'm going through all the driving lessons to make sure that I get my license. I finally buy the car, but there's a whole bunch of maintenance that needs to be done as well. And I think for me there was a little bit of discontentment at the fact that, dang, I have to do maintenance too. I work so hard to get here. I want to, like, just rest. And not to say that there haven't been rest in the things that I've achieved or the things that I've wanted, but I think that a lot of the things that we seek to achieve are constant and ongoing. And when we say that it's important for us to fall in love with the journey, that in of itself is so important because we are constantly journeying. I love the analogy that you used about creating the perfect picture and then realizing this is a video, it is a video, and you're going to have to go through many a montage moment.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And being content in the present isn't about striving for the future. It's actually an intentional practicing of enjoying your present. And I think when I have been so focused on either creating the perfect picture or when I've been so focused on just simply achieving my goal, I miss those montage moments that make up the video. We have to go through many a montage moment, and it's actually in those montage moments that we experience the most beauty and trying to actually remain present in the moments when they do come, as opposed to constantly, you know, trying to aspire towards the next big thing. And I think that's something that I'm definitely guilty of. I'll have my moment. I'll achieve stuff. I'm really upset that it's not as perfect as I wanted it. And then I set the next goal literally immediately. And so just the power of presence and the power to stay me not experiencing that and me not being intentional about that has caused a lot of discontentment, but also resentment. Not just resentment towards myself, but also the people that may be implicated. It's like, I had this vision of what I thought it was going to be like when I got to the top, and I got to the top, and I'm like, what is this? What is this? I was. I was expecting an oasis. There's filth on the top. What is going on? And so being content with the imperfections that do come when achievements have been achieved.

[Renee]

Yeah, I love that. I think you've hit on something really spot on. I think for a lot of women, we struggle with living in the future.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And, like, really struggling to be present. Like, and when I say we struggle with living in the future, we struggle because we live in the future. Like, our mind is constantly in the future. Right. Like, and we're preparing ourselves now for the future. And it's like, babe, soak up the present. Just soak up the present. And I think when you get to that point of achievement or the pinnacle or whatever, it's just unlearning that habit. And it's like, oh, okay, my. My mind is itching for the next. But it's like, just enjoy the now. It's okay to enjoy the now. And I think there's constantly pressure on us for the next. You know, like, you get married, suddenly it's, when are you having kids? You have kids? When's the next kid? You buy a house. When's the next one? Are you gonna get a bigger one?

[Courtney]

Have you seen that meme that's like, I just.

[Renee]

Just arrived.

[Courtney]

I just arrived.

[Renee]

I just arrived.

[Courtney]

Say when did you. I just.

[Renee]

I just arrived.

[Courtney]

Just got here.

[Renee]

Leave me alone. And I feel like that's what sometimes we have to tell ourselves, though. Like, babe, it's okay. Like, it's okay to just be here. And I think another thing that you said that was, like. I think the perfect analogy is that idea of, like, getting the car and then realizing you have to do the maintenance. Because maintenance is boring. Maintenance is boring. Maintenance can be messy. Maintenance is unpredictable. And I think that's. That's one of the things that sucks the joy out of the season for us, where it's like, oh, suddenly something unpredictable has happened. Like, I thought if I got all of my ducks in a row, nothing could go wrong. But now, like, I'm facing divorce, or now my kids aren't acting the way I thought they'd act, or now my husband's being weird, or now my health is acting up. Yeah. It's like, I did everything I could to make sure this was perfect. And I think that also breeds a layer of resentment around. Like, I actually did my part. Like, I did my part. I gave it my all. And now it seems like everything else is not doing its part. That's unfortunate.

[Courtney]

Nobody's cooperating, and it's.

[Renee]

No one is cooperating. It does suck, but it's the reality of life. Like, I think as I've journeyed through, like, my 20s, I feel like in your 20s, your mindset changes so much. Oh, my days like to think, literally, the frontal lobe development, like, it's just all locked in. I feel like when I think of my mindset when I was 21, 22, 23, and now 27, turning in 28, I'm like, how can this all be in the same decade? I am two distinctly different people. Like, this is crazy. And I think when you get older as well, you realize that the old you that set those goals, she didn't know nothing. She didn't know nada.

[Courtney]

A bunch of nothing.

[Renee]

She didn't know nada. Like, she didn't. And that's okay, actually, because she. She set these goals based on the information that she had right at the time. And you did full well to make sure that you achieved them. Well done to you. But the you of now has more information about what success means, fulfillment means, what community means to you, what you actually want out of your career. Maybe you've pivoted. You found different desires and passions. You just know yourself more. You spent more time with yourself. So you know yourself more. And so it's okay for your appetite to have changed.

[Courtney]

Yeah. No, I love that sometimes you have to liberate your past self.

[E]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Liberation is key. I love, love, love what? I love, love, love what you were saying earlier around operating from a place of, or rather a place of fulfillment rather than fear. And I think it kind of segues quite nicely into the next question that I have around deep set insecurities. So oftentimes we have these really lofty goals, hoping that they would be the band aid on the wound that we may be carrying. Right. We may have experienced some trauma around relationships, and we're hoping that the pursuit of getting married would fix some of the deep traumas that we've experienced from previous relationships. We're hoping that by buying the house after coming from, you know, a background where poverty has really been your reality and instability and insecurity has run rife, will fix the deep set wounds of fear and lacking in safety and security. But oftentimes we get to these places and find this was just a band aid on a deeper wound that may have required stitches. So talk to me a little bit about the discovery of some of those deep insecurities that many of us go through when we get to the top, realizing that, ah, there might actually be a bit more work that is required and the solution that we have crafted and created for ourselves may not be a one size fits all.

[Renee]

That's a good question. I think one, sometimes you get to the place you've always wanted to be, and then you start to question whether you deserve to be there. So things like imposter syndrome, things like just serious doubt around. Am I actually, like, cut up to this? Right. So now you're comparing yourself to people. Now you're thinking, oh, okay, now I'm with the big dogs. For real. Do I woof loud enough? No, legit. Like, sometimes you get to where you want to be and literally you're rolling with the big boys. And it's like, I am a small girl.

[Courtney]

I'm just.

[Renee]

I'm just a small girl. I can't roll with the big boys. And I think it's realizing that just because you've done enough to become the person who could get you here, there's still sometimes some evolution you need to do to be the person who can stay here.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And that's okay as well. Like, because you. I think sometimes, and I see this a lot with, like, marriage. Right. People hype up on, to be a wife, you need to be this. And so there's so much emphasis on preparation, preparation, preparation.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Then you actually get there. And it's like, oh, I don't know what I'm doing. All of this preparation stuff was cute, but I need to learn on the job. Do you get what I mean? And I think that's. It's like that with a lot of things in our life. Like, we aspire, we prepare, but then when we actually enter, we still have to adapt. And I think a lot of us are learning to adapt. A lot of us are learning to, like, really strengthen our adaptability skills to new things that we just couldn't have predicted. Right. Like, you don't know the nitty gritty until you're in it. And now you're in it, you're constantly going to have to troubleshoot. You know, you're constantly going to have to evolve. And there may also be, on a more positive note, things that surprise you positively. Like, oh, I didn't even know it could be this good. And that's fantastic. I think another thing is maybe realizing that, like. Like, with this whole deep unhappiness thing, maybe trying to combat this sadness that can sometimes enter when life is giving you new responsibilities. Like, I think to myself about maybe postpartum depression.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And, like, having prayed for a child, maybe. Or, you know, just however you. You got this baby and everyone's telling you it's a blessing. It's a blessing, It's a blessing. But internally, of course, your hormones are out of whack and stuff like that. But it's like, internally, yeah. You're like, I don't see it as a blessing. I see this as a burden. Or maybe you're now questioning, am I actually going to be a good mom? Do I even love my child enough? Like, these really real feelings, which can sometimes be really hard and ugly to admit, but are really going through your mind. And in those moments, I think it's finding places of safety where you can be honest about how you actually feel and trying to get to the bottom of it, but also sometimes, like, giving yourself a lot of grace in that period. I know it sounds really cliche, but I think, especially with women, like, society tells us you should be happy, why aren't you happy? And it's like, I don't know. I'm trying to figure that part out, too. Like, I don't know. But please don't make the fact that I am not happy now a crime. Do you get what I mean? Like, I'm actually allowed to feel discontent or unhappy or depressed at the fact that, yes, this new thing has happened, but child so much of my life is now changing. I may resent some things. I may just deeply not, like, connect with my body anymore. Like, all of these different things that happen with the changes that come with womanhood sometimes that please give me grace, like, give me space to just deal with a very tough time right now. And I've got friends, and we have friends who have struggled with post maternity and struggled with depression and anxiety and struggled with, you know, burnout and struggled with so many different things where it's like, okay, you get to the top. Why are you suicidal? Yeah, you get to the top. Why am I depressed? You get to the top. And it's like, damn, I hate everybody. My whole life is falling apart. And it's like, babe, you need to accept that this is what's going on. You need to give yourself some breathing room. And if you can, start talking to some people about it, people who will not necessarily just validate it, but who will hold space for it and not make you feel condemned for the fact that you feel these very negative emotions towards positive things. Yeah. And occurrences. And so I would say lean into systems of help. So things like therapy, things like, you know, your GP if you can. Things like family and friends and sisters and people who you can just be real with, you can cry with and be like, girl, I know everybody loves this baby, but damn, I am not here. Mentally, I am not here. And I think having seen and also experience he hitting high points, I think sometimes there is something so beautiful about having someone you can tell this to and not feel like you're crazy.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Like, oh, okay, I know I just got a promotion, but, like, I really don't want to work anymore. And it's like, oh, okay, that's strange. But I hear it, you know, like, tell me more why? And working through the why.

[Courtney]

Yeah, as well.

[Renee]

Like, working through the why. Some things are harder to explain than others. I can't lie. Postpartum baby girl, we're just all gonna have to ride this out and make sure you don't kill yourself at this baby. Like, we're just riding it out. But other things, it could be, okay, why are you not satisfied anymore? Because maybe, like, there is something dysfunctional with the marriage, or maybe there is something deeply unfulfilling about this role, or just there's things that we can not necessarily fix, but we can walk through to explain why we are where we are. So that's how I would deal with those kind of insecurities. Like, talk about it, seek help on it, but don't isolate yourself into thinking, oh, I feel so guilty about feeling this because I'm. Everything around me is so. It looks so good from the outside looking in that you don't actually find help.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Yeah. How about you?

[Courtney]

No. I think you hit the nail on the head in every single capacity. Hey, sisters. You already know what it is. We are interrupting with a little dilemma. Let's get into it. Hey, sisters. I've been a part of the sisterhood since the how we got into Oxford and Cambridge days, and it's been amazing to see how God has moved in your lives and how well you stewarded His. Blessings. Hey, sis, not you being a long time listener. We absolutely love to see it and we love you so, so much from the beginning, you know, love to see it. Right now. I deeply dislike my life. I felt this way for a while mainly because I'm stuck in a turbulent household that I can't leave yet. Many of my circumstances are beyond my control and will likely remain that way for the next four to five years. They hit me like a ton of bricks and since they affect me daily, I feel completely helpless. I'm really sorry to hear that you've been feeling like this, sis. I'm naturally ambitious, but my passion and drive are fading. I've battled depression for five years and with each day I feel more defeated. I wake up wishing time would move faster so I can finally take control of my life and start thriving. How do I hold on to hope, keep my spirits high and stay present? I don't want to just exist while waiting for better days. I want to live. Any advice would mean the world. Love a sister in need who has been supporting since the beginning. Sis, sending so much love your way. Thank you for supporting us, but also thank you for bearing your soul and actually sharing something that probably a lot of people have experienced with or have resonated. And that's that feeling of stagnancy or that feeling of lack of control over your life and the situation that you're in. So I'm super sorry that you've been feeling this way. The first thing that I would say is I actually would suggest if it's within your means or if you have the capacity to seek professional help, especially what you were saying around experiencing battling depression for as long as you have noted. I have no idea what your kind of medical history is or what kind of routes you may have gone down, but I would definitely recommend maybe going to see a therapist or even a psychologist to see if it's something that may Be clinical. To have gone through that for so long and to have been battling with it for so long, sis, it sounds like you might actually benefit from a little bit more help as well. So I definitely encourage you to go down that route if it's possible, if you have the capacity to, if you're able to and you have the resources for it. I would definitely recommend in terms of feeling a little bit helpless and feeling as though there are, you know, certain things in your life that you can't control. Definitely, definitely resonate. It can be so, so tough when you're in a season in your life where it feels like there's certain things that are beyond your capacity to change, especially if they're big things like your living situation or whether it is your environment or the people that you're hanging around. The first thing that I would say to that specifically is control the controllable. I think sometimes we can extrapolate and kind of see our life as this massive block. If I can't get myself out of my home or if I can't get myself away from these people, then everything else in my life is immovable and there's no real kind of opportunities. But sis, there are a couple of opportunities there for you, whether it be.

[F]

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[E]

So let me just start this by saying I love my husband. However, when it comes to our sleeping preferences, we couldn't be more different. That's why the sleep number smart bed has totally changed the game for us Ever since we got it. We both sleep through the night at our ideal firmness and wake up feeling refreshed and resentment free. Seriously, once we both found our ideal sleep number setting, we just dial it in and let the bed adjust to our bodies throughout the night. Plus our climate series bed keeps us nice and cool through those warm summer months. Why choose a sleep number smart bed so you can choose your ideal comfort on either side and now get early access to Memorial day deals save 30% on our most popular smart bed. Exclusively at a Sleep number store near you. C store or sleepnumber.com for details.

[Courtney]

Engaging in communities and finding more friends that may be in align with your values. Whether it be finding joy in the smaller things in the day to day things of your life life. These can really really help you with feeling like you're in more control, but also giving you something to look forward to as the days progress. We also often make the mistake of only allowing ourselves to feel joy when we've made the big decisions or the big achievements or we've managed to escape toxic or troublesome situations. And sometimes that's just not possible to be a reality all the time, or at least in the time frame that we would like it to be. So I would definitely encourage you to try and find joy in the smaller things on a day to day basis and try to cultivate a routine or try to cultivate spaces, communities and relationships where you're actually feeling and experiencing that joy because it's something that you deserve and it's also not something that you should put on hold just because you find yourself in a situation that's really, really challenging and really difficult. It's always really good to plan. I know that you've outlined kind of in your dilemma that it's looking like a four to five year stint, but is there anything that you can do to speed that up in any capacity? Is there anything that you can do to make the situation a little bit better? Are there people that are involved in your household that you can have conversations with? Are there ways that you can make progress whilst you are currently in your situation? It's so, so tempting to kind of give up in the process and give up especially knowing that you have some kind of light at the end of the tunnel in the four to five year time frame. But I really don't want you to live a life where you're barely existing rather than living as you said in your dilemma. And when we choose to live and choose life, we also need to be intentional about the way that we go about that. Whether it is engaging in those conversations, whether it is being radically honest to yourself and other people around you about what you need to feel comfortable and about what you need to feel as though you can thrive in these spaces as as best as you can. So sis, I'm sending you so much love. It is really, really hard and oftentimes we find ourselves in situations and environments that aren't really conducive for hope for Ambition. But I would definitely encourage you to see if you can seek that professional help, control the controllables in your life, and seek the smaller moments of joy as you are building and planning for your future. Love you lot, sis. And praying that you take care. Now let's get back to the episode. I really love your latter point, though, around recognizing that even when you have achieved the goal, there can still be dysfunctions present. So I think marriage is actually a perfect example. Yeah, you got married, but the relationship didn't turn out the way that you're intending. Or perhaps you were trying to escape a certain generational pattern, or you wanted this for your marriage and you've hit a really tough time. Yeah, that's actually legitimate and valid.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

I think sometimes we get to these places that we wanted to get to and suddenly feel as though our claim to be depressed or sad or insecure is invalidated by the presence of joyful things in our good things in our life. And just because you have a good thing in your life right now doesn't invalidate any emotions or feelings or insecurities that you have.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

I think even when we think about, like, a lot of folks in the fitness industry, for example, a lot of popular, like fitness gurus that I even personally love will often come and say, I have a real serious insecurity about insert body part.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And you would think on the outside, how is it possible that you. That has achieved this status, this height of stardom, you have literally achieved and attained something that for the majority of the population feels really unattainable and even you have insecurities.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

I think it just goes to show how complex but also how unoriginal the human experience is. Your insecurities are valid. I don't care how high you have climbed, I don't care where you're at, I don't care what vantage point. Your insecurities are valid. And I think we need to do a better job of validating those insecurities, because if you don't give people a space to actually share that, that's when they start looking at negative. Negative coping mechanisms. That's when they start, you know, looking at external things that could actually cause further ruin.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

When we think about things like adultery, for example, those things start from insecurities. When we look at eating disorders, those things start from insecurities. When we look at anything that people go to or look to, that is often quite negative.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

They start from a place of insecurity. And so validating insecurities are important. Because that's what starts the healing process. It's the diagnosis.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And I think just even getting to a place of admitting, ah, I've reached this place and I still feel really insecure is the first step. And I'll definitely put my hands up and say, child, I'm not good at that. We working on it. But I'm not good at that. But even that step of, you know, admitting, ah, I'm not really good at articulating, I'm insecure.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And I think just thinking more generally around cultures and social spaces for women, we are so pressured into looking and being put together that we actually have to create real community, real spaces, our spaces where people feel safe enough to admit they're insecure.

[Renee]

Yeah. Good.

[Courtney]

For women especially, it's not just about, you know, the power brunches. It's not just about places where we're just empowering people. It's also about places where women can come and feel seen and feel heard and feel validated and feel. It doesn't always have to be you presenting all of your laurels. Sometimes it's presenting all your wounds. Like, sis, I'm broken. I'm at the top, I'm broken. Even in the postpartum example, it's not even just about, oh, I've had a baby. I'm feeling so fulfilled. Sometimes it's coming and saying, sis, I've got nothing to give. I should be happy, but I am depressed. The baby has not been sleeping. I feel like I am drowning in loneliness. I am insecure about my body. I need help. And so I think even just creating spaces for us as women, in our friendships, in our communities, where people feel comfortable enough to say, look, sis, I'm insecure, is so, so important. And I think that also gives people the license to feel and unlock the joy of that season too. It's understanding that there's nuance in these experiences as well. Yes, you can be excited and happy at having a baby, but, yes, your insecurities are also valid. Two things can be true at the same time. And I think we don't give ourselves enough space or enough grace to allow ourselves to exist in both places.

[Renee]

So good. So good.

[Courtney]

But I think it also very much lends itself into another conversation that's necessary to be had around the cost. Right. Sometimes our deep fulfillment with wherever it is that we have accessed in this life is. It's actually been too costly. The high cost of ambition. Some of us get to the top and look around and there's nobody around us.

[Renee]

Say it again.

[Courtney]

Think about Mount Kilimanjaro. It's not everybody that started will end up at the top. Sometimes we've been deeply cut and wounded on our way to the top, to the point that we get to the top. And we can't even enjoy the experience of being at the top because we are still tending to our wounds. So I would love to hear your thoughts on the high cost of ambition, the high cost of achievement, especially for women, whereby, you know, a lot of us want to see balance and contentment in our lives. So how do we deal with the cost of ambition and potentially get into some places that we thought would bring us fulfillment, but we're actually quite bitter and resentful because the cost has ended up being too high.

[Renee]

Yeah. That's so good. I think the dangerous thing about ambition is sometimes it can deceive us into thinking that the destination is more important than the journey there.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I think that's why a lot of us, us get to where we wanted to be, where we aspire to be, and now suddenly we are there and we're alone. We are there and we're burnt out. We are there and we're actually broke. Like, we're there and we are broken. You know, we got there by any means necessary, but the ends didn't justify the means. And I think that's where we start to feel deep resentment and regret for the journey because we thought that by the time we get to the end destination, it would have all been worth it. And actually it's not. And I think that's why it's so important before you start the journey or as you're walking it, to establish what actually really matters to you. Because there are some things which you may trade off, but actually they weren't worth the trade. Like, it makes me think of, like, game cards, you know, like we used to do. Like, them trading cards. Like, oh, do you have this player? What are their powers? And then sometimes you realize you've traded a card, but now you really want it back. And it's like, no, you can't do that. You traded it like you. It's done. Honor the rules of the game. And I think as we journey towards our ambition, sometimes we make trades. You know, I'll trade my friend for the marriage. I'll trade my health for the career. I'll trade my financial future for financial glory. Now we make trades. And then you get to the end of the journey, and it's like, you can't go back and collect the trades. That you made, the trades you made, they've been made, you know, and so no undo. Now you're at your wedding or you're in your marriage and you have no friends.

[Courtney]

Crazy.

[Renee]

Now you're working, working, working. Suddenly you had a heart attack. Your work has replaced you. So it's really you reminding yourself what actually matters on this journey. Right. My health matters, community matters. And it doesn't mean these things are mutually exclusive either. Because I think for women in particular, society has made it seem like everything is mutually exclusive. Everything is a dichotomy, everything is a binary. Everything is a. You either have this or you have this. If you want a thriving romantic relationship, cut off your girls. If you want thriving sisterhood, don't be thinking about men. If you want a thriving career girl, you better be ready to work 20 hours a day. If you want to have good health, you must not be someone who prioritizes your career. And it's like, no, no. But that doesn't mean things don't have to be ordered, though. Sometimes you have to establish really strong sisterhood and focus on friendship in a season and then give your attention to your romantic relationships or vice versa. You know, maybe there are seasons where you're like, I actually really want to focus on my career and I don't mind putting off my physical goals until later. Or I don't mind putting off having kids until later. You know, life is really in seasons. And so I think it's realizing that on the journey, sometimes you can't carry everything. You have to pick up some things and put some things down. But when you get to the end, what do you want to be holding? Right. Like, you have to ask yourself that question deeply. If community matters to you, carry it the full way.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Or find a time to drop it down and then pick it back up. You have to determine what will actually matter for me so that when I do stand on the podium, I am happy.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I can say it was worth it. The trade ins were actually worth it. I would also say as well that, like, for a lot of us, we have been taught that, like, it's lonely at the top. And I say lie. Yeah. It doesn't have to be. Sometimes it is. If you make it right. You have to be the one who makes sure that there are people at the top with you.

[E]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And that is your responsibility. Right. Like bring people on the journey with you. It's only lonely because you left everyone. You left everyone. Right. And I know we have the stories of like, but everyone left Me and. But baby could have found new people and you didn't because maybe you were scarred by the fact that everyone did leave you. And it's like, but you still need people. And sometimes we can write off that part because we're scared to start again. Or like, we think that, oh, no, it has to be my day ones. No, it could be your day 20s. So it could have been people who you picked up three years on the journey, you know, who are there with you and are now, like, you couldn't imagine life without them. That's fine. That's still community. That's still good. And so sometimes the way these things manifest may look different to what we anticipated, but it doesn't mean that we can't get to that place and have what's actually important to us at that time. So you don't have to be a woman who, like, genuinely, you don't have to trade in marriage for success. You don't have to trade in your career for motherhood. You don't have to, like, let's not let society lie to us about these things. It doesn't mean that having both is not going to be difficult. It doesn't mean that you're not gonna have to make some compromises somewhere and just be adaptable. But wisdom says that we can do everything. We just need to know how to make it happen.

[Courtney]

Oh, excellent. A word in season course.

[Renee]

I really enjoy.

[Courtney]

I really enjoyed that. No, I very much agree with pretty much everything that you said. I think you put it beautifully. As you were speaking about trading and cost, it really. It really gingered me a little bit insofar as many of us are trading things without understanding the value of what we actually already.

[Renee]

Absolutely. Is that the trading cards? Right?

[Courtney]

Literally, we just traded a card that.

[Renee]

You found out it's worth a million dollars.

[Courtney]

Our cars.

[Renee]

I want my car back.

[Courtney]

Oh, you know, like, when people find, like, family heirlooms.

[Renee]

Yeah, yeah. You have it.

[Courtney]

Coin didn't mean anything. And you find out that coin, they bet everything $50,000.

[Renee]

The pain. The pain.

[Courtney]

My gosh.

[Renee]

Yeah. Literally.

[Courtney]

Like, it's a shame that many of us, because we are so focused on living in the future, we don't realize the value of what we have in the present.

[Renee]

So good.

[Courtney]

And so. So many of us need to count the cost and count it well by actually seeing the things that we have that are valuable right now. So, yeah, you're looking towards, oh, I'm so excited to be married. But count the cost of the friends that you have. Right. Now, yeah, you're so excited about buying this house, but count the cost of the fact that you're living rent free right now with your parents. Not everybody can do that. Cast a living crisis, you know? Or you're delaying your happiness for later. Oh, yeah. Like, when I get my fit body that looks like this, that's when I'm gonna be happy. Count it a blessing that right now everything is functioning for you right now. You're eating well, you're doing well. People think that you're cute. You know what I'm saying? You're still getting baby.

[Renee]

You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, yeah.

[Courtney]

Delaying your happiness and delaying your joy for some undefined future moment, not realizing the power cards that you hold right now. And so even as women, we are ambitious. We are excited about the possibilities that are in the future. It's very much only made possible by us valuing what we have now. Right. And I think many of us actually need to spend time counting what we have. What's in your bank account right now, the fact that you can listen, we. I want $2 million. I want £2 million. But you got 10k. That's good. You have 1k. That's good. You know? Yeah. 500. That's good. You have no debt.

[Renee]

Yeah, that's good. That appreciates.

[Courtney]

Good. Appreciate it. And appreciate the fact that you have come this far. I think even that. Right. A lot of us don't realize how far we've come. We've come so far. Where you're at right now is distinctly different to where you were at 10, five, two years ago.

[Renee]

And who you are now is different to who you are then.

[Courtney]

Exactly.

[Renee]

And that's good, too.

[Courtney]

Exactly. And. And celebrating each milestone. So as you are climbing Mount Everest or Mount Kilimanjaro, as you make the milestones, actually celebrating and enjoying where you're at. Even this whole, like us lonely at the top. Maybe if you celebrated on the journey, you would retain more people as well. Because oftentimes we even wait until we get to the top to celebrate. We wait until we get to the top to actually gather people together. And if there's something that I'm constantly still learning, it is celebrating myself, celebrating my people. Not just for the big achievements, but also for the small stuff like. Yes. It's not just about getting to the top of the mountain. It's the fact that you climbed a little bit 1km off the ground and.

[Renee]

You could have fell off.

[Courtney]

You could have fallen off. You could have died.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

This journey is Dangerous in the same way that, you know, climbing a mountain is dangerous. You going on this journey, you tackling this mountain, it's dangerous. You should celebrate the fact that you've even made two kilometers up. Well done. Yeah, well done. But count the costs and be content in the fact that you actually have power cards in your stead already.

[Renee]

So good. So good.

[Courtney]

But as we are drinking to a close Ms. CDB, we want to leave the sisters with a tip, a little bit of something. A power card, if you will. Since we are talking about the whole trading situation, I don't know if you can trade this in the bank of England.

[Renee]

They won't take it.

[Courtney]

They won't take it.

[Renee]

Bank on it.

[Courtney]

But you look at the pun so much. Too much. But if you could leave a little something for the sister, it's a little something for the girls for the rest of the week.

[Renee]

To my sisters, how you get there is just as important as where you're going. And for a lot of us, we can get so obsessed with the destination that we forget about the journey. And the journey is the most enjoyable part. Like, even though I get car sick, I actually really love car rides. Right. And for me, it's not just about where we're going. It's about the music and the company and the conversation and the banter. Despite the challenges that can sometimes come with the journey, the journey really is beautiful. And the journey is where you make all the memories. And it really is. Is the journey that you'll remember, not just getting there. Right. And so, yeah, I would highly recommend that as much as you have your goals penned down and you know where you want to go, really think about how you can make this the best journey ever. That's what I'd say. Renee, excellent.

[Courtney]

Courts. Thank you so much.

[Renee]

You're welcome.

[Courtney]

They call that a rep where I'm from. Ladies.

[Renee]

Sis, we hope that you enjoyed this episode. We know that these kind of conversations can bring up some feelings of discovery, discomfort. You can be a little triggered if you're anything like me. And this is actually relatable to what you're currently going through. Sometimes it can be hard. And so we want to leave you with just some practical things to kind of work out and tease out what's going on in your mind and in your heart at the moment. So one question we really want you to reflect on this week is please write down a moment that you once aspired towards and you actually achieved that actually didn't fulfill you the way you expected it to, and really think about why it didn't fulfill you and to give you some help with that one. Oftentimes I found that it's in the how. Like, it was actually in the journey. For some reason, I got my dream career, but it didn't fulfill me because when I got there, I was burnt out, which indicates to me that I was just working entirely too hard for it. And so things like that, like, really be investigative. And if you want to take it a step further, I want you to do this activity. Write a letter to your younger self and instead of focusing on, like, all the things that you currently want to do, tell her all the things that she's already done and all the things that she should be celebrating. Because, girl, she did that. I want you to write that letter saying, girl, you did this, that you graduated, you went to school, you saved a life, you, whatever it is, you woke up and got over that depression, whatever it is. I want you to write down every reason that that girl has to celebrate. And I really want you to think about the feelings that that brought out in you. Like, how did achieving this milestone make you feel? How would it make her feel? And I want you to think about the future with that feeling in mind. How can you curate moments that actually create those feelings in you again? And so hopefully those two activities help you to not only live for the future, but actually live in the now. And if you enjoyed this episode, please rate it 5 stars on Spotify or on Apple, wherever you're listening to this. And make sure that you subscribe to our YouTube channel. Because, you know, every week without fail, we try to give you the best that we've got and we hope that you're enjoying it all. And if you want to keep up with the Sisterhood, please follow us on social media. And if you want to space to actually delve into these things more, especially more specifically to you, you can join the Sisterhood, which is an exclusive digital sisterhood community we have over on our website, www.tomy sisters.com. follow us everywhere at To My Sisterhood, like I said. And you can follow us individually as well if you want to see how we are walking out our glowing and growing journeys in real time. You can follow my bestie, Renee Kapuku, and you can follow me at CD Boating. We hope that you have an amazing week. Please, please make sure that you're taking care of yourself because you've done so well up until this point. And I know this feels like there's a long way to go, but honestly, sis, you can make it. So. Take care of yourself today. And so we bid you adieu. And as always, keep glowing and grow.

[Kristen Bell]

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[Courtney]

Dax.

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[Courtney]

Oh, the.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Kristen Bell]

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