To My Sisters Podcast

Episode: "Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?" – Why Women Are Decentering Men and Relationships

Hosts: Courtney Daniella Boateng & Renée Kapuku
Date: November 23, 2025

Episode Overview

In this lively and insightful episode, Courtney and Renée—the “online big sisters” behind To My Sisters—explore the fresh cultural phenomenon questioning whether being in a relationship, particularly having a boyfriend, is now seen as “embarrassing.” Sparked by Shantae Joseph’s viral British Vogue article and widespread online debate, the hosts interrogate why women are decentering men and relationships in their lives, what it means for modern womanhood, and how this shift impacts sisterhood, friendship, and self-worth.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Setting the Stage: Context and Cultural Spark

• The Spark: The phenomenon stems from Shantae Joseph’s British Vogue article, “Is It Embarrassing to Have a Boyfriend?”, which ignited fierce debate online and within women’s communities.
• Cultural Shift: The hosts note a visible transition from years where “relationship status” defined a woman’s value, to a present where individual fulfillment and self-actualization are center stage.
• Quote:

  "A boyfriend is not as impressive as it used to be because we're coming from a place socially where women are ... taught ... you are the value of your relationship. Hello, you are your relationship status. Your womanhood is validated by a man ... picking you." (Courtney, 27:15)

2. Listener Dilemma: Validating the Desire for Love vs. Decentering Men

• Dilemma Read (10:28): A 19-year-old listener worries about never having been approached by a man, questioning whether she needs to “decenter men” or if her desire for partnership is normal.

• Courtney’s Response (10:57–18:35):

  • It's normal to want to be desired, but dangerous to let validation by men govern your self-worth.
  • The idea of “decentering” is not about never desiring men, but about not letting this desire control identity or actions.
  • Patience and self-development are key; don’t rush or beg for attention.

  "Desiring something doesn't necessarily mean that you need to be hyper fixated on it all the time ... Decenter their validation from your appreciation for your life." (Courtney, 15:36)

• Renée’s Response (18:35–23:32):

  • Reinforces that there’s more to life at any age—focus on friendships and other relationships.
  • Authenticity is a better attractor than performative femininity.

  "Oftentimes we attract ... the right kinds of people for us once we are actually our true and authentic self." (Renée, 18:47)

3. The Online Uproar: Multiple “Schools of Thought”

• Why the Article Struck a Nerve (25:52–40:24):
  • Traditional roles dictated that a woman’s worth is tied to her “being chosen.”
  • Now, there’s a growing understanding: a boyfriend is an accessory, not a necessity.

  "Men are seeing that you're no longer a necessity. You are an accessory. And that ruffles men the wrong way." (Courtney, 31:05)

• Responses Divided:
  • Men: Some backlash, suggesting the conversation is from “bitter single women.”
  • Patriarchy Princesses: Women defensive of centering their boyfriends, often feeling attacked.
  • Main-Character Energy: Women embracing independent identity, seeing partners as “side characters.”
  • Man-Bashers: Some swing to the extreme of dismissing the idea of relationships entirely (not the message intended).

4. Historical and Cultural Context of Relationships

• Societal Change (34:24):
  • Decades ago, marriage was essential for women’s financial/legal access. Today, those institutions no longer gatekeep based on marital status, lowering the “currency” of a boyfriend.

  "If you throw back to 50, 60 years ago without having a man as a husband, you couldn't have a bank account. Literally, you couldn't be on a mortgage. That's currency." (Courtney, 34:24)

• Religion and Patriarchy:
  • Within religious circles, especially Christianity, intense focus on relationships remains due to cultural and doctrinal legacy.

  "Our obsession sometimes with men ... is what we're saying needs to be decentered." (Courtney, 38:19)

5. Accountability and Men’s Evolving Role

• Normalization of Men’s Bad Behavior (41:05–52:05):

  • Frequent online stories expose men’s poor conduct in relationships, catalyzing a call for accountability rather than automatic reverence.
  • Society still enables “badly behaved men,” while women are swiftly marginalized for transgressions.

  "Let’s actually hold men accountable for their bad behavior because y’all been ... not a day goes by [without a story]." (Renée, 49:47)

  "A huge part of society's structure is in letting men get away with this stuff. ... Bad men still end up with the girls. They still end up with the women." (Courtney, 50:19)

• Women as Upkeepers of Patriarchy:

  • Both criticize women who, knowingly or not, “reward” men’s bad behavior, perpetuating cycles.

6. Celebration, Milestones, and Friendship Dynamics (62:16–74:01)

• Is Love Less Worthy of Celebration?
  • Some single women push back, feeling that society over-celebrates engagements, weddings, and babies, creating hierarchy among women.
  • The hosts advocate for diversifying what we celebrate—career wins, personal achievements—beyond romantic milestones.

  "We don't celebrate women if the celebration is not attached to a man. So if we change our culture of celebration, we will change the culture in general." (Courtney, 69:24)

• Friendship Must Transcend Relationship Status:
  • True sisterhood centers women as whole people, not just through romantic developments.

7. Reframing “Decentering Men”: What Does It Actually Mean? (74:01–End)

• Main Takeaways:

  • It's not “anti-men”—it’s pro-women, pro-individuality.
  • Continuity: Women (even those in relationships) must retain activities, passions, and identity outside of their partners.

  "We want you to still be you and love you outside of him. We want to see you look nice. ... All the things you were doing before." (Courtney, 75:44)

  • Both Courtney and Renée stress the importance of having a life, hobbies, and self-concept that doesn’t revolve around a man—even in marriage.

  "No man is just the sum total of their relationship. When he goes for interviews, they're not asking about you, babe. ... What are your hobbies? ... You, you, you." (Courtney, 77:26)

• Consumerism & Validation (78:03–81:51):

  • Critique of beauty and self-care products pitched as “for men’s attention,” with calls for new narratives centered on self-worth.

  "Why can’t it be: This scent smells like freedom. This scent smells like gender equality. This scent smells like you getting the keys to your first property and stepping in like the girl you are." (Courtney, 81:02)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the shifting value of relationships:

  "Having a boyfriend is nice, but it's nice because I wanted it, not because he's picked me." (Courtney, 29:15)

• On accountability in relationships:

  "If I'm going to claim you as a woman, you better not embarrass me." (Renée, 46:53)

• On societal structure:

  "Badly behaved women are marginalized ... There doesn't seem to be that kind of consequence for badly behaved men." (Courtney, 51:06)

• On diversifying celebrations:

  "The only time you've heard, when I got engaged ... milestones after milestones ... I never heard congratulations until I post the picture of a ring." (Courtney, 67:21)

• On fragrance and validation:

  "This scent smells like gender equality ... that's what I want. You are that girl. Ain't nobody like you." (Courtney, 81:02)

Important Timestamps

• Listener Dilemma Discussion: 10:27–23:32
• Breakdown of Vogue Article Debate: 25:52–40:24
• Historical Context & Patriarchy: 34:24–43:23
• Call for Men’s Accountability: 46:53–52:05
• Women Enabling Patriarchy/Parenting Boys: 55:33–59:00
• Friendship Dynamics & Celebration: 62:16–74:01
• Personal Identity Beyond Relationships: 74:01–81:51
• Consumerism, Self-Worth and Humor: 78:03–81:51

Episode Tone & Takeaway

The episode is characteristically warm, humorous, and candid—Courtney and Renée combine serious critique with playful banter and everyday examples. Their central message is clear: decentering men is about centering yourself as a woman, cultivating a rich, multidimensional life, and supporting other women’s full growth—regardless of relationship status. Celebration, identity, and joy need not be tied to romance.

Final Thought:

“We are for the girls, period. ... This is for women, by women, for women's advancement.” (Courtney, 83:12)