Letting Go of What’s No Longer Serving You: A Guide to Detoxing Your Life

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Letting Go of What’s No Longer Serving You: A Guide to Detoxing Your Life"

Episode Release Date: June 1, 2025
Hosts: Courtney Daniella Boateng & Renée Kapuku
Podcast: To My Sisters
Description: Join your online big sisters Courtney and Renee as they delve deeper into the realities of navigating adulthood, sisterhood, and more. To My Sisters is the podcast you needed - promoting the holistic wellness, growth, and development of a community of sisters across the globe.

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Introduction

In this insightful episode of To My Sisters, hosts Courtney Daniella Boateng and Renée Kapuku explore the theme of letting go of what no longer serves you. Drawing parallels between personal growth and the natural process of pruning, they offer listeners a comprehensive guide to detoxing various aspects of their lives—be it relationships, habits, or environments.

The Necessity of Letting Go

Renee initiates the conversation by posing a thought-provoking analogy:

"How many times does an opponent have to face their opponent and punch them multiple times before they fall down?" [01:39]

This metaphor underscores the persistent effort required to shed unhelpful elements from one's life. The hosts emphasize that just as fire separates wheat from chaff, deliberate actions are necessary to distinguish what truly benefits us from what hinders our progress.

Recognizing the Signs

Courtney and Renee discuss the importance of self-awareness in identifying what needs to be released:

"Do things really fit me anymore? Does this actually suit the kind of person I'm becoming?" [07:15]

Key indicators for letting go include:

• Discomfort: Feeling uneasy around certain people or in specific environments signals misalignment with current self.
• Outgrowing Relationships: As individuals evolve, some friendships may lose their spark or become energy-draining.
• Habitual Patterns: Old habits that once served a purpose may become detrimental in new life phases.

Practical Steps to Detox Your Life

The hosts provide actionable strategies for effectively letting go:

1. Conduct a Life Audit
   Renee suggests taking time to reflect both externally and internally:

   "Let me do an audit of my life. Let me do an audit of that." [12:56]

   This involves assessing relationships, habits, and environments to determine their current impact on your well-being.

2. Understand the Role of What You’re Letting Go Of
   Renee explains the importance of recognizing the purpose that a person, habit, or environment served:

   "What is the role that this has served or what has this played proxy for in my life that needs to be replaced once this thing is removed?" [17:10]

3. Replace Negative with Positive
   Courtney emphasizes the necessity of filling the void left by what you’ve removed:

   "If you're gonna get rid of something, you better fill it with something else." [53:36]

   This could mean adopting healthier habits or cultivating new, supportive relationships.

4. Set Clear Boundaries and Communicate Them
   When ending relationships, being honest and specific about your reasons is crucial:

   "You need to be very, very clear as to why you're closing this relationship." [43:15]

Overcoming Challenges in the Process

Letting go is seldom straightforward. The hosts acknowledge emotional hurdles and provide encouragement:

• Sunk Cost Fallacy: Renee discusses the difficulty of abandoning something you've invested heavily in:

  "It's hard to let go when you've invested so much." [18:49]

• Emotional Attachment: Overcoming nostalgia and fear requires perseverance and self-compassion:

  "You have to give yourself some grace as well." [46:37]

Inspirational Takeaways

Throughout the episode, Courtney and Renee use empowering analogies to reinforce their points:

• Boxing Match Analogy
  Renee likens the process of letting go to a boxing match, emphasizing persistence:

  "It's going to take multiple rounds and multiple punches." [23:52]

• David and Goliath
  Highlighting commitment, Renee encourages listeners to continue their efforts despite challenges:

  "Maybe it'll go down with three. Yeah, maybe it'll go down with five." [24:27]

Conclusion

In wrapping up, Courtney and Renee reinforce the importance of continuous effort and strategic action in detoxing one's life. They remind listeners that while the journey can be arduous, the transformative benefits are well worth the endeavor.

Reflective Question

As encouraged by the hosts, listeners are prompted to contemplate:

"What habits, environments, and people are you hanging on to that you might need to let go of, and are you holding on due to fear, obligations, or nostalgia?" [60:07]

Final Thoughts

This episode of To My Sisters serves as a compassionate and practical guide for anyone looking to cleanse their life of negativity and embrace a more fulfilling path. Through relatable examples and heartfelt discussion, Courtney and Renee provide valuable insights into the art of letting go and making room for personal growth.

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Stay connected with Courtney and Renee on their social media platforms and join the Sisterhood for ongoing support and community engagement.

Transcript

[Adam Grant]

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[Courtney]

Hi, it's Courtney and Renee from the To My Sisters Podcast and this episode is sponsored by the Long Wave, a free weekly newsletter from the Guardian.

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We are going to be talking about letting go of what's no longer serving you.

How many times does an opponent have to face their opponent and punch them multiple times before they fall down?

Sometimes the best thing to separate the wheat from the chaff is fire. That's the only thing that will separate dead things from living things.

Every single day you have to wake up and say I'm gonna fight.

Who are the people that stick you in those seasons when you can't be the a girl that you used to be? We used to be in the club on a Saturday night, you know. But now Renee likes to brunch. Now she so I know Friday night when I'm in the club. 11am tomorrow I've got brunch with Renee.

Hello and welcome to the To My Sisters Podcast.

I'm Renee and I'm Courtney and we are your online sisters and hosts of the 2 My Sisters podcast.

Now we are all about promoting the wellness group growth and development of a community of sisters across the world.

And in today's conversation we are going to be talking about letting go of what's no longer serving you.

Yeah.

A guide to detoxing your life. I don't know if it's because the sun is out or, you know, it's spring, my favorite season.

Look.

Very springy, man. Very much. It's my birthday season, so of course I have to show up and show out. Absolutely. But, yeah, because it's spring, you know, a little bit of spring. Spring cleaning in our lives, getting rid of maybe old habits, old relationships, maybe even some digital content you're consuming that no longer serves the woman you are called to become. We are cleaning house today, and we are talking practically about how to discern what maybe needs to come to an end and what needs to be put to rest. And also how to go about letting go of maybe relationships, maybe habits, maybe certain patterns so that you can stay. Step into the future. Spring sprung and clean.

Yeah.

So, Renee. Yeah. Have you ever felt like you have had to go through a season where you've had to kind of do a bit of pruning?

Yes.

In your life? And what did that look like? And how did you realize that it's time for me to, you know, cut some things off?

Yeah. No, several times, actually. Like, I think life in it, in its ebbs and flows, you'll always get to a point, a point where you have to do spring cleaning. And I just. In life in general, I'm very, very minimalist. I don't like having a lot of. Maybe it's because I grew up. My parents were the opposite. They loved having things like holding on to things, and they were really good at maintaining things for a very long time. So when I grew up, I was like, I don't want to have. I want all my belongings to fit inside a box. I want to be mobile. And so I think that's very much translated into so many different areas of my life where I like to be minimal and mobile. Obviously, this has been a big season of transition for me. And I won't say that, oh, my gosh, it's been a season where I've had to burn bridges and whatnot. But there has been, you know, a little bit of a culling that has happened. Not so much in relationships per se, although I have gone through seasons where, you know, I have had to say goodbye to relationships, and not necessarily in the traditional sense of burning bridges, but more so taking detours or more. More so taking pivots, more so going down a different road. And I think that's where I'll start. It's that we actually don't necessarily have to burn bridges or cut people off in the dramatic sen of the word. Sometimes relationships that you have, they can be quite draining, but they just seem to fizzle out a little bit. They lose their spark or you realize that, ah, actually we're not as aligned as I thought we were. And it's also been a big energy drain for me to even prepare myself to be around you and probably vice versa. And that's actually okay. And so I think some of the key signs around, you know, when it's time to let go of things is when you've actually outgrown people or things that are around you, you've outgrown it. It no longer fits well. It feels uncomfortable. And paying attention to that sign of discomfort, whether it be in the discomfort in being the presence of people or discomfort in the things that you have around you or the things that you're doing. So for me, feeling discomfort when, you know, I'm hanging around people that I know, oh, maybe this is actually not my cup of tea. I don't like going to. I was talking to Courtney about this earlier. I was like, I'm not a club girl anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And to offend people, if you're a club person, I love it for you. Party, you know, go and enjoy, live that life. And this is by no means putting a judgment on people that like to do that. But I know for me in my household, I like to be asleep by 10pm it's giving. I'm in my old woman era. So that's a very, very, like, basic, like, fact about me. And that means that for the most part, I actually don't enjoy being out late at night. And so that has meant that for. For, you know, some of my friendship circles or some of the folks that I may just tenuously hang around, I've actually chosen, okay, I'm going to pull back my energy a little bit more and invest it in other things and other experiences that I do like doing. I like the breakfasts, I like the brunches. I like the lunches. Those are the spaces that I find myself in a lot more and the spaces where I feel the most energized. That thing no longer fits me or, you know, suits me. And it's not even necessarily just people or relationships. It can also be habits. It can be processes, things that, you know, in a former season, this made so much sense, but in this season, it doesn't. It has to go. And as somebody that I don't get me wrong, I love productivity. I'M that productivity guru, that girly. And this is something that I've spoken about on a couple of other episodes, but also with you, like actually getting rid of this incessant need to produce, this incessant need to be doing something as proxy for my worth. It's been a really, really slow process because I didn't realize just how deep it ran for me, but realizing that as I am stepping into this era of my life where, you know, building a family, I'm getting closer and closer in my relationships with people that I love around me, it's no longer like one of my core values. Isn't necessarily just about production. You know, I. You can't always be on a pedestal. That's not the way that we should be living our lives. But that's the way that I've lived my life for a very, very long time. And it was so deeply rooted in my habits and my practices. And onto my second point. A lot of things that we do need to let go of can sometimes masquerade as good things. Because being a productive person is good. It's good to produce things, it's good to. But in its extremity, it can be very, very toxic. And so pay attention to the things in your life that can appear good, but in its extremities can be very, very bad for you. They have to go, you have to call it. So the first is, do things really fit me anymore? Like, does this actually suit the kind of person I'm becoming? The second is actually, you know what? It's actually all good to let go of things that may appear good but are bad for me and saying, hey, this doesn't work for me. I'm going to get rid of this in my life, and that's okay. And then I think the third that I would say is actually just having times and periods to get rid of things. I think it can be the reason that we end up burning bridges and cutting people off so dramatically is because we allow things to get to worst case scenario, and we don't have amicable splits. But it's actually important for us as individuals to actually have a culling season, a time where we're either isolated or we withdraw to actually think about the things that exist in my life, do they make sense? Having periods to, like, get away from the crowd, actually have time to think about what makes sense in my life. And because again, as somebody hustle culture, productivity guru, I never really gave myself time to do that. And I feel like as I'm getting older I'm realizing how important it is to actually have some time to take away as well as add. It's not always about addition, more time. It's actually about removal. So then you can grow to even greater heights. That's what pruning is. Essentially. It's about ensuring that you know the end goal of being super productive, being a multiplier. Well, sometimes you have to subtract. But are you spending time subtracting or are you so focused on multiplication, on fruits, that forgetting? I gotta take care of my roots too. So actually implementing in my life root work time has been a game changer and actually put it in my calendar as well. Because I become a calendar girly too. I'm like, listen, this is my uninterrupted time to do this. I think respecting that I need time to take away is just as important as the actual action of taking away.

That's really good.

But yeah, that's my initial thoughts. How about you, Courts?

I completely agree. I really like how you broke that down. I think for me, I'm currently in a season where I'm thinking, okay, I need to start letting go of particularly habits and patterns that no longer serve me, especially considering just season changes in life. And I think with this whole year's theme for us being like changing seasons and the fact that we need to embrace our seasons as well, I think what comes with embracing a new season is assessing. Okay, what do I need to leave behind that can't necessarily cross over into this new thing with, yeah, right. Like, okay, I've been used to maybe waking up at this time, or this is my particular morning routine for this season of my life. But now that things are about to change, like, things are about to change in terms of getting either married or expanding family or changing career.

Yeah.

What does my new morning routine look like? What does my boundaries now look like in the future? Not necessarily because the boundaries or the habits or routines that I had in this season are bad, but because they no longer serve where I'm actually going anymore. And so I think what's very important, important in identifying, okay, what no longer serves me, it's realizing, well, what are we trying to build in the future? What am I trying to do? What is life going to look like and what would serve that? I think what we can do and get so used to in our generation is, ah, this no longer feels right. This no longer makes me happy. And so I'm just gonna cut it off. I'm just gonna end it. But actually, sometimes what it needs is a transformation. It needs a bit of cultivating as well. Like, I think in the area of relationships, we often go to the. I no longer like this relationship anymore. Or me and this person. Me and this person. Sorry. Are no longer getting on as well as we used to. So clearly this is the end of this relationship.

Yeah.

This is the end of the season. They can't cross over with me into this because I can't. I can't see how that would work. But sometimes I love that you highlighted time. Sometimes it's just about taking time to think, okay, what does this friendship with this person now look like in that new season of my life? And how can I cultivate this friendship collapse collaboratively with this person to make sure that it can also transition well into where I'm going so that it can be serving me in a different way, but also I can change the way I serve that person.

Yeah.

Based on my new availability or my new capacity as well, based on the season that I'm stepping into. And I think what takes. What this takes is a lot of reflection. Right. I think we're so used to acting that we don't reflect.

Yeah, exactly.

We don't take time to really sit down and think. And that requires you to slow down your life. It's put blocking out time. Time in your calendar. It's being in a place where you can actually be in solace and just think, okay, cool, Let me do an audit of my life. Let me do an audit of that. And I'm not even just doing an audit of my life externally. I'm doing an audit of my life internally as well. Because it's easy to say I'm letting go of things that are no longer serving me. And thinking that means you take an axe to everything external to you. You take an axe to all of your relationships. You take an ax to your job. You just. I don't want. I want to quit. I want to get rid of this friendship. I need a new man. Do you get what I mean? I need new wig and, like, just give me a whole rebrand sometimes.

You do know. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you need a little bust down.

Absolutely. But. But sometimes it's not just about the external things. Sometimes it's the, okay, but can I cultivate a quietness in my life and a stillness that allows me to think. Okay, but Courtney inside.

Yeah.

What's going on? That would also no longer serve you. Maybe you need to start identifying. I'm waking up too late for. Or maybe I've been waking up too early sometimes I've been waking up too early and I could feel that I'm not getting as much sleep as I need. My body in this last quarter has got more tired. I felt more stressed. Let me, you know, look at my little app to see how's my, how's my period doing? Any new patterns that it's identified? Maybe, you know, we, we missed a couple months. Like, okay, let's. What's going on? What supplements have I been taking that maybe how have they been affecting my body? How much water have I been drinking? And I think we can. It's so easy to identify when other people don't serve us. It's harder to identify when we're not serving ourselves. Right. It's very hard to identify when you're not serving yourself and when you're doing things that no longer serve you because maybe you've been on autopilot so much and you're not keyed into what the next season of your life is going to look like that you don't take time to say, hey, I need some self awareness here. The way I act, the way I speak, the things I do or don't do no longer serve the, the person who I'm trying to become.

Yeah.

And taking your time to really say, okay, I need to let go of that habit. I need to let go of the waking up. And as soon as I wake up, I'm scrolling on TikTok or I'm scrolling, I need to let that go. And I need to set a solid boundary that would help me to actually no longer fall into that pattern anymore. And I think that that causes us to kind of think about the things that get us into these situations in the first place. So when we think about letting go of things that no longer serve you, we're often talking about maybe people who have been taking advantage or people that no longer maybe respect you. Well, like you were saying, like a new boundary has emerged and people don't respect those boundaries. Or maybe now you have identified. Okay, cool. The next season of my life requires me to be super locked in and super focused. And so me procrastinating or doing all this extra leisure time doesn't actually serve me. But obviously you got into those habits over time. You got into these relationships over time. So practically, how do you undo things that have been done over years and years of your life?

Yeah, no, that's a really great question. I think it is understanding, first of all, understanding what the role of that thing has played in your Life. Because one of the big reasons that we can feel uncomfortable about uprooting something is because it played a really big or pivotal part of our life, right? So the toxic relationship that we had or we have, we're kind of like, I don't really want to let go of this relationship. Why? Because this is pivotal to my identity or this has served me in a particular way that I really like, but it's not good for me in the same way that, like, people often talk about with, like, diets, right? It's like, oh, I'm finding it really hard to get rid of sugar. Why? Because I really like sugar. It's played a really pivotal part in my diet. It's been part of my identity for a really long time. So understanding, okay, what is the role that this has served or what has this played proxy for in my life that needs to then be replaced once this thing is removed? And for a lot of us, it really does come down to idolatry. Like, a lot of us idolize these toxic things and habits that have become so rooted in our identity that to pluck it out will actually hurt. So our lives have now gravitated around this toxic relationship. Our lives have now gravitated around this morning routine. Our lives have now gravitated around this particular process. It may not be helpful. We may not necessarily like it for us in the grand scheme of things, but we like how it makes us feel. We like how it validates us. We like how it, you know, gives us a sense of identity or a sense of purpose. And so understanding that, okay, this might be a little bit deeper than simply cutting off, it's actually an uprooting and removing that can be quite painful. So first of all, identify what is the role of this thing in my life right now. And then once you've understood that, that you need to understand what is keeping this thing in my life, is it fear? Is it shame? Is it nostalgia? Is it just pure habit? This is just something that I've gotten used to. This is the script I'm running in my head as to how I should live. This is now my truth. So realizing, okay, this is the role it plays in my life, and then this is why I feel like I can't remove myself from this situation. A lot of us are afraid. We're afraid of being on the other side. It's like, oh, my gosh, this relationship with this friend of mine that I've known since secondary school. How will I live beyond this? I've never seen a script or a Life beyond the thing that I'm holding on to. And so it becomes really, really hard for a lot of us. Sunk cost fallacy. I've invested so much into this. What do you mean? I have to let go. I have invested. It's like, listen, have you ever invested something into the stock market and you're like, just another year. Yeah, I'm just, just. I'm just waiting. I'm just waiting. We at the dip.

Yeah.

You've been at the dip y. 2 years, 3, 4 years have passed by. Your money has been depleting. Just the next one, this one is a blockchain. It's gonna go up. That thing has gone down.

Yeah.

And you're still investing money believing that you're still at the dip and at some point your life is going to change. And so sunk cost fallacy, or this idea that we have invested so much into these things can hold us bondage. Like we're literally shackled.

Yeah.

Because we've invested so much. It's hard to let go when you' invested so much. But it's important that you let go now because one thing about a dip that keeps on dipping is once you hit rock bottom, it's going to be really difficult to bounce back. So for a lot of us, we actually need to let go where we've. We've been falling. But for a lot of us, we're not actually at rock bottom just yet. And the rebound is a lot easier if you let go now than if you let go later. Yeah. So if it's sunk cost fallacy is realizing that. Okay, cool. Sometimes you have to abandon shape ship. Think about some of the ships that we have seen, you know, that have been abandoned in the ocean or whatnot. Like, sometimes you have to jump ship in order to survive before you sink. With the ship itself, you'll sink all the way. And then it becomes really, really difficult for you to flip back up. Some of us don't even survive. It is a matter of life and death. So really understanding. Okay, cool. Yes, I've invested in this, but it's better for me to abort, abandon chimp now than do it later. And if it is, you know, nostalgia, it's a beautiful thing. The past is a wonderful thing. But be imprisoned by our past because it will prevent us from actually catapulting into our future. So, yes, the past is the past, but the past needs to stay the past. You can't drag things from the past into the future. It will literally hold you back. It's like having Chains on your feet. Like you can't move with any kind of gusto if you're constantly looking back. And there's consequences for looking back. There's so many stories where we've seen people that have been literally chained by their past or held back by certain memories or experiences. And to actually have something currently living in your present that's from your past is going to prevent you from moving forward. If it is the toxic relationship or the relationship that no longer serves you. If you're trying to move forward, you have a living remnant of your past. You have a living remnant of bad behaviors, a living remnant of bad experiences. And this is not to say that, you know, like it's not every relationship that you need to let go of that's toxic to the extreme. But in those instances, it's actually better for you to let go of that because you're still living literally the past in the present. And so understanding the role, understanding what's stopping you from actually letting go and moving on and then doing the surgical work of cutting away. And as glorious as it is to be able to just cut someone off, it's really hard, you know, and nine times out of 10, sometimes it's not an immediate.

It absolutely, I'm done.

Especially if it's deep rooted. As you mentioned, some of us, especially when it comes to like habits and behaviors, these are things that we've learned from birth or these are things that we have literally been conditioned in. So for example, negative self talk is something that I'm working on as much as it's, you know, I have my days where I'm on top of the world. I believe that Renee was godsend. You know, I think she's actually the bees knees. Like I look at, you know, when people like, I'll do affirmations. The mirror. I'll be looking at myself in the mirror.

Yeah, yeah, that girl.

I'm that girl. Come. What is it? Luthial phase?

Yeah.

Ah, I'm not that girl. Never wants that one to get you.

Oh, that one will get you.

Nurtured me up and all my edges. So having realistic expectations around the cutting process, knowing that it's going to be a process, it's not going to be something that nine times out of 10 you do in a day. For example, a lot of people that are in toxic relationships, it's not just about ghosting people. Ghosting is not a legitimate form of cutting off people, by the way. It's not legitimate. It's literally you running away from your problems.

Yeah.

Have the hard conversation.

Yeah.

Be like, babe, I'm locking in this season, so I may not be able to come out as often or as regularly. That's my new boundary. You have to face some of these things head on and recognize that you have to face some of these things head on multiple times. Think about when you're in a boxing match. How many times does an opponent have to face their opponent and punch them multiple times before they fall down, round for round. That's the exact same thing. When it comes to the pruning process, it's going to take multiple rounds and multiple punches. It's not going to be, listen, occasionally you get a knockout, that's great. But guess what? There's another round. There's at least three. There's at least three. So approach it like Muhammad Ali, like a Rocky Balboa. Keep on going. Keep on, like, keep on trying. Keep on trying to cut the tree. Eventually it will fall. Yeah, keep on trying. As much as it is beautiful, Take David and Goliath, right?

Yeah.

As much as it was beautiful that he took that one rock and Goliath fell, he took five. David was committed to trying, and I think too many of us are not committed enough to trying. We are hoping and expecting that the things that have been plaguing us will go in one day. Yeah, I would really encourage us to pick up the five stones, keep on going until that. That tree levels. And so the practical element of cutting off or detoxing means accepting that it will be a process, but you also need to be committed that, hey, maybe your Goliath won't go down with one stone, but maybe it'll go down with three. Yeah, maybe it'll go down with five.

Keep going.

So, yeah, that's what I would say.

That's so good. I really like that. I really like that. And I think what's interesting there is, as you were speaking, what comes to mind is often just strategy. Like, yeah, you have to be very strategic when it comes to this whole letting go and pruning and doing this. Like, like you're saying this culling work in your, in your life. Like when you think about gardeners, they're not just going into the garden with a, you know, cutlass and they're just cutting everything. Yeah. Because you might kill some things that have the potential to bear some seeds.

That's so true.

Away with weeds, like, you're getting rid of dead things and living things. Be careful. Right. So there actually, there needs to be a strategy around this. And when you were Talking about investments, actually, because I made an investment 2021, and I was in that, oh, the dip been dipping. And it's been dipped.

You know, when the dip is so dipped, the whole, it's even the ground, it's even flat.

The dip is in the ground. Will we ever see a resurrection? Would there ever be a revival? And genuinely, just years and years of being like, okay, wait, wait, wait. And it was like, and of course it's tempting at those points to end things. It's tempting to be like, you know what? I'm gonna deal with the loss like you were talking about sunk cost. Like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna deal with the loss of it. Just cut it off now. But I do think in those moments I had to tell myself, but what was the strategy you went into this with? And what is the strategy that God is giving you? Right? Because what can happen sometimes is because we are frustrated or maybe our hope has been deferred, we end things prematurely and then we do not reap the fruits that would have emerged had we just waited a little longer. And I think sometimes we abuse this concept, especially in, like, relationships where it doesn't seem like there's ever going to be a turnaround. So we're just waiting, waiting, hoping, praying. But actually I think it's asking God, what is your direction for this? Because I think what's so beautiful about faith and is realizing that God is a God of time, like, he's not time bound. He knows what is in the future and he knows whether you will get the end that you're holding out for. And he also knows whether this ain't going where you think it will. Right. And so allowing yourself in some seasons to actually hold because you have a strategy that actually, you know, if I hold, I know when it will peak. I know when we'll be back up, cut. And I can hold out for that season. And when it came to that particular investment, I was, and this is more practical, but when it came to that investment, it took five years. Well, yeah, four, just over four years for me to see this thing pick back up. And when it did, I am so glad that I had not taken my money out, because I was going to take it out. And just a couple months later is when it hit its peak.

Wow.

And I was like, if I had not had that patience and if I had not had that strategy, I would have lost out. And I think we see this a lot sometimes with, with situations, not just like monetary investments, but situations where maybe you're In a relationship with someone and their money ain't up yet, like, we're just being super practical. Their money's not up now.

Yikes.

But we in the dip now. Can I see from a strategic point of view, are you doing the work? Are you aligning yourself with the right people? Are you cultivating the skills? Now? I can place my expectation on some very tangible things, which is. Is the. That the w. The work, the groundwork is actually being done. Those roots are being grown. So just because I can't see fruit on the surface, I can see that these roots are actually healthy. The roots are being cultivated. They're growing. Well, they're growing downwards. And then fruit will begin to shoot up. And I think that's what you have to allow yourself to see. Am I thinking about this relationship practically? Am I thinking about this job practically? Maybe I'm not in the role that I currently want to be in, but before I cut this whole. Whole institution off and I put in my. You know, I found my notice and I don't want to be here anymore. Can I see the strategy behind why I've been positioned in this place at this time in this role, and how it can help me to get to where I need to be and want to be in the future? Sorry, Once you have that revelation, you don't cut things off prematurely, I think.

Yeah.

But once you also see the opposite and you see the signs that actually, no, there are no roots that are being grown here, actually, this will choke out whatever comes in the future. That's when you begin to see, okay, this thing isn't actually a shoot, it's a weed. And having the ability to actually discern that, and sometimes discerning that can be really hard. But the best thing, and this is to encourage anyone who feels like they may be going through a really challenging season. Sometimes the best thing to separate the wheat from the chaff is fire. That's the only thing that will separate dead things from living things. Hey, sis. We hope that you are enjoying this conversation, but I do have to make a brief interruption for us to help a sister out. That's right. We've got a ding, ding, ding, ding. Let's go. Hey, sisters. Firstly, thank you for the work you're doing. Not only for educating me, but also teaching me to love myself and being the big sisters I never had. Love you. Oh, my gosh. A few weeks ago, I left a friend group I considered, quote, unquote, toxic. We had been friends since secondary school, and I clung to them after struggling with harassment. I crossed my own boundaries to feel love that I that is very, very deep. Last year I gave my life to Christ. Congratulations. Welcome Started going to church and stopped being a people pleaser. Over time the gap grew as we had different visions for our lives. Last summer during a vacation, they mocked my faith and even told me they wouldn't accept me as a Christian. Woo. Okay, Another incident that made me question our friendship was when they didn't get me a birthday gift even though I had spent €100 on theirs. I distanced myself and realized we were no longer friends but strangers. I left. I'm grieving, torn between peace and heartache. I feel tired of letting go. I feel tired of letting go but also don't want to lose myself in the process.

[Courtney]

Hi, it's Courtney and Renee from the To My Sisters podcast and this episode is sponsored by the Long Wave, a free weekly newsletter from the Guardian.

[Renee]

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[Renee]

Oh, this one is quite deep. This one is very, very deep. And I think what you've identified is obviously this is a friendship group and set of friends that no longer can journey with you into where it is that you are going. And that can be a very hard thing to accept, especially when, like you said, you form this friendship as a form of not just coping, but actually surviving as well. Maybe during that time where you were going through harassment, which really, really sorry to hear you were going through, those were the friends that gave you safety. They gave you acceptance, they gave you protection. They gave you something to maybe focus on and do and be occupied with outside of the pain that you are going through. And so these friends, as much as they may be misbehaving now, they were actually anchors for you in a particular season. And it can be very, very hard when your anchor begins to drift away from you. However, you've identified that with this new, you know, life that you're living as a Christian. They no longer want this version of you. They know they want the old version of you, which you're not trying to be anymore. And that can be very, very challenging to accept. But as you said, you can no longer transgress your own boundaries and compromise in order to accommodate for these friends. These may not actually be friends. These may end up becoming hindrances to the future that you actually want. And it's amaz amazing thing to be able to just take time, I would say, to process how grateful you are for these friends and the. The way they served you and helped you during that particular season. But also writing down that, hey, I recognize that these are not friends that I can carry forward because they do not want me to pursue my faith, they do not want to accept me, and I cannot force myself upon them. And so as much as I'm heartbroken and as much as I'm grieving, I need to allow myself to. To heal without rebuilding this relationship. And that's possible. It's very possible to heal the heartache, heal the grief without having to go back. People do all the time when people die, right? I know it sounds extreme, but this friendship is dying or is dead. I'm sorry to break it to you, but people can heal. Even though something is not going to come back to life. And you can find new friends, you can learn to love your own company, you can heal whatever wounds. And I think like you said, even with the. The birthday gift thing, I think it's very clear that this is not a group of people that necessarily appreciate you the way that you want to be appreciated. And so why would you go somewhere where you're not appreciated or celebrated? So I think you need to fully, fully accept that this is not a friendship you can be in anymore. And when the discomfort of that reality sets into your heart, because it is going to be uncomfortable, start to remind yourself of the fact that. That you just can't continue to be hurt because you want to keep journeying with people. And as that wound is healing, as you're going through life, maybe at times you're going to feel lonely. In those moments, remind yourself of the fact that God is always with you and remind yourself of the fact that you may have other people, whether it be family or other friends, who are there for you and immerse yourself in that company to fight that loneliness. There may also be times where you feel grieved or betrayed. That's completely fine as well. Pray for the ability to forgive the people that may have hurt you before as well. It's definitely not easy. And girl, it is definitely not fun. But it is 100% necessary for you to process that it's okay for this thing to have ended and for you to not go back to this thing that no longer serves you. So we hope that that has been helpful for you. All our love is going to because friendship, breakups, ciao. Talk about heartbreak break. That's. That's tough, that's not easy. So all love to you, praying for you as you go on this journey. And we will talk real soon, but before we get back to you, let's get into the conversation.

I'm screwed.

M fire. When you go through some kind of trial, when you go through some kind of tribulation, that is what will separate the things that are meant to last and the things that will just wither away. Away. Right when your money is down, when you don't have time, when you're pulling out your hair, your mental health has deteriorated. Not to say you should abuse people, but who are the people that stick by you in those seasons when you can't be the a girl that you used to be? Who are the people that stay? You know, what are the things, what are the habits that remain? What are especially in the area of faith? For me, I've been thinking of myself like, okay, when I go through trials, what do I. I naturally gravitate towards, right? What scriptures are hidden in my heart that I don't need to open my Bible, but I know them, I just know them. And they encourage Me. What helps me in those moments is realizing these are the things that are actually important to me. These are the things which, whilst they may have been hidden away, you know, when life was good, I wasn't really reading my Bible that much. Or when life was good, maybe I wasn't calling those friends as much. But when things began to wither away, those were the things that stood my faith. These people who maybe I was taking for granted. And now I know these are the things I need to strengthen in this season. And I need to. I don't even need to do the letting go. These other things just drifted. These other people just left. These opportunities just weren't there anymore because I went through a trial. And the trial was what separated the people. It sieved the people. And I think we don't lean into those seasons of discomfort a lot because we like to be so much in control. And so we're trying to now make relationships which maybe are trying to wither away. We're trying to bring them back to life by now over indexing on how much energy and resources we pour into them. But actually it's a sign withering away, and you need to let them go. And sometimes it's not necessarily because they are bad, but because they no longer have life in them. And that's okay. That's actually okay. They've. They've served their purpose. And I think the next question that I have is really practically, then, how do we go about. Let's say, let's be specific. How do we go about ending relationships with people that no longer serve us? And then the second instance is, how do we go about letting go of habits that no longer serve us?

People, habits. Oh, that's tough, man. I think, okay, we need to accept that letting go of people and relationships for the most part, will be awkward. Closing relationships, they don't have to be awkward. I think sometimes you can find yourself in situations where both of you realize this is not working. And you actually, you know, one of you says, listen, babe, this ain't working. And I was like, I'm so glad that you said that. Oh, you might actually find yourself in a position. There's alignment in the mutual closing of this relationship. So we pray that that's the case for everybody. I think you need to. At least in the case of people, you need to have. Well, for both. But in the. Particularly in the case of closing relationships with people, you need to be clear as to why you're closing this relationship. So whether it's romantic or platonic, Is it that, okay, there's some values that you guys are misaligned with. Like, you need to be super, super specific. And you also need to be more high level and big picture than very, very like finicky and very like picky. Because I know that some people are, for example, in, in the example that I gave of being somebody that prefers like morning stuff as opposed to evening stuff, that is not a legitimate reason to end a relationship for the most part. Right? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, be somebody that, like, it needs to be grandiose enough for you to close this relationship. And you need to be, you need to really understand, okay, what is this? What is it about this relationship that means I'm out of alignment? So it could be that we've had a lot of dilemmas from sisters that are entering into relationships that are interfaith, for example, or lots of dilemmas from sisters that are entering into relationships whereby the vision that they had for that partnership is actually not being fulfilled. They're not being treated well, they're not enjoying their time in that relationship. It's giving trials and tribulations. The point there is that this relationship is not working for the both of us because there's so much friction in our relationship that you believe cannot be overcome. Overcome. You need to be very, very clear because it's not just about you, but it's also about the other person as well. And you can close relationships in a way that is dignified, respectful and empathetic. Especially if you are closing a relationship with somebody that wants to maintain the relationship with you, but you've actually checked out. And so trying to be as specific as possible, as empathetic as possible, but still making sure that you are aware of the boundary that you want to have as well. So it may not necessarily be closing relationship and you never speak again. It may actually just be a withdrawal or pairing back of intimacy with that person. In the case of romantic relationships, that might be difficult. It might be a clean break. And then maybe later down the line, couple months, years, you guys can revisit and think about having some kind of cordial relationship. But in the case of, for example, friendships, it may be that, hey, sis, I absolutely adore you, but what you need from me in this season of friendship, I don't have the capacity to give, right? And also owning up to the fact that sometimes you cutting off the relationship isn't necessarily just because you're thinking about yourself and you're thinking about like, how I'm going to be Moving up and progressing and you're leaving this person behind. Sometimes it's actually understanding that you might not be a good fit for that person too and what they desire in their life. So it does require a healthy dose of self awareness as to why are you ending this relationship. Do these feel like quite legitimate reasons to. You do really think that there is no saving this relationship at all? You need to be able to articulate that to yourself, but then also to the other person. And I think trying not to control how the other person reacts as well, I, hands down, can say I'm a control freak. Like I don't like the idea of not just causing discomfort to myself, but discomfort to other people. And sometimes we can sugarcoat the truth or sugarcoat what we're saying to a person because we want to protect their feelings. You need to be specific, but you also need to be honest. Honest. And so when you are, you know, having the multiple conversations, it is also about being honest about how you feel. Like very, very honest. Like, okay sis, we can't continue this friendship or this relationship because this is how I felt.

Yeah.

Or this is the impact of your actions and your behavior on me. So being as honest as possible is so, so important and honest with yourself as well as the other person, but allowing them to have their response to that too. So don't sugarcoat it because you believe that you can control their thoughts or their feelings. But be as honest as possible and give them the right to express that and however they feel comfortable or however they need to express that and then also giving it time. Like mentioned before, these things, sometimes they start with one conversation, but sometimes it may end up being multiple conversations. So being open to the, the initial back and forth that the closing of a relationship might bring if it is that okay. Unless it's an unhealthy toxic relationship. That one, sometimes you actually have to ghost for your own health and well being. So for those sisters, a disclaimer. If you are in an abusive relationship, a very toxic relationship, in order to preserve and protect yourself, dip. Like, there's no, there's no need to have the conversation. Think about your actual emotional, but also your physical well being and dip. But for those of you that are, and for most of us that are in the gray area, are, it might actually also be a great process. It's fine. It's actually okay. It's going to be awkward for a bit. You're going to see them at events and you're going to be like, ah, we're not as close as we used to be. That's okay. You're going to see them at, you know, some such and such as christening.

Ah, yeah.

The person I used to know. That's okay. Hey, can we go for a coffee to just talk about like how things closed off with us? Yeah, that's fine. After the coffee, we call it a day.

Yeah.

So really being open to the fact that. Fact that closing might be a process in the same way that opening a relationship, you date somebody, you get to know them. Sometimes closing will require that same level of leeway to be able to really withdraw. Especially if that person has become quite integral in your life and in your ecosystem. When it comes to addressing habits and practices and things that we do, I think again, it is. Okay, what is this habit telling me about myself? A lot of us have very unhealthy habits that are actually coping mechanisms for something else. So okay, I have the habit of, I don't know, I like a sweet treat. Like I really, really like a sweet treat and I like me some food. But I am also very aware that this is a coping mechanism in response to an emotion that I'm feeling. So, so going the extra mile and understanding, okay, why am I doing this behavior or why what is this masking? And then trying to find either an alternative or trying to find a way to find resolution to that emotion. So if you are feeling empty, if you're feeling depressed, if you're feeling something that makes you that it's a cause for concern, rather than hopping to the coping mechanism, okay, what can I do to either resolve this or sit with this? And that will be the key to breaking that habit. And I think also giving yourself some grace as well. I think sometimes we can. I'm very much guilty of this. We'll do, oh, I'm going to do a 30 day challenge or 60 day, 75 day, 90 day challenge. And I'm not just talking about like, you know, physical challenges. For example, if you're addicted to pornography, I'm going to go on a 30 day challenge and I'm not going to like watch pornography.

Cold turkey.

Going cold. Exactly. Going cold turkey.

Key.

You'll get to the end of 30 day and then you'll find yourself on.com.com that you absolutely shouldn't be on.

It's even day three, you didn't even make it to the end and then.

You reset, you start again, you're like, oh, do you know what? Fine, I'm just gonna start again. Day one.

So much shame.

So much shame. And you find yourself trapped in this endless cycle of trying to break out when really you should have just given yourself grace in the first place. You have been stuck in this habit, this mindset, this behavior for a very long time time. Sometimes the supernatural grace of the Lord will snatch you from that place. Other times, you have to build endurance and perseverance. Both are equally as valid as the other, and both are necessary. You need that perseverance. You need that endurance because that's even transferable to so many other things in our lives, in our relationships, in our day to day, in anything that God has called us to. We need endurance and perseverance. And that's why sometimes when breaking out of cycles, it can be so frustrating because you want to be healed, you want. Want to be perfect. You want to be over it already. Why am I not over it already? God is teaching you something good. God is actually teaching you something and so embracing that in the frustration of the process. That's the pruning. That's actually the pruning. It's not the. The perfect version at the end of the day, it's the you going back and forth, you choosing every single day. I'm gonna try. That's the most important thing. So very, very practically, it's not even just about achieving, living, the healed state, or the whole state, or the overcome state. It's the choosing to tussle.

That's good.

Don't give up. Keep tussling. Every single day you have to wake up and say, I'm gonna fight. We're in a fight.

Even if I lost yesterday, even if I look.

Yo.

Yeah.

How many of the, you know, like Creed, for example.

Yeah, yeah.

How many times have we seen Michael B. Jordan lose his first couple rounds? These three. Three whole movies dedicated to him losing his boxing match and then winning at the end. Sorry, spoiler. I probably should have said this if you ain't watching.

Same with Rocky.

Literally. How many times have we seen world champions, world champions lose their title and then gain it again. And oftentimes they come back bigger and badder and better. So taking that stance, even when you're trying to break any habit or any practice, that is literally like holding you hostage and holding you bondage. You have to try so good. How many times, like, even people that have actually been taken hostage, many of them get recaptured, captured. It's like, oh, you try to listen. People are escaping from jail. If you see prison break. How many times they tried to break out of jail?

Yeah.

How many attempts they had to make until they were finally free. So practically speaking, keep trying.

That's it.

Keep attempting.

That's it.

Wake up every day and say, I'm gonna fight.

That's it. That's so good.

How about you, friend?

I think I only have two things to add. You gave a really good guide. I think the first thing for me, especially in the area of cutting off people.

Yeah.

Is don't come at it from a really self righteous, judgmental place.

Yeah.

I actually think there is opportunity in detoxing your life and doing this whole audit and reevaluation to be able to lay out to the people who are currently in this season with you the needs of the next version of you, the needs of the next season and giving them the opportunity to step up to the plate. Because I think we often assume because this person, maybe this person has been going to the club. Club with me.

Yeah.

Right. This person meet every Friday night, Saturday nights, maybe even Sunday night. We're gonna be club. That is the.

I love it.

I'm talking about. So me and this person, our relationship was built in this place. And that. That's the person that knows me in this context. Right. And now I'm sensing, okay, I don't. I no longer want to do that. Maybe it doesn't fit my schedule anymore. Or maybe it doesn't fit my desires, it no longer entertains me. Maybe it doesn't fit my lifestyle, my faith, whatever, doesn't fit me anymore. The easy thing is to revert to a self righteousness, which is. That is so beneath me. That is so for the old me. I no longer want to do that because it no longer serves me. And it comes with a hint of judgmentalism to the person who you're now speaking to being like, well, why do you even want to do that anymore either? And it's like, girl, we were in the club together. We were both a. And together. I was, I was in the middle of the.

You were literally shaking your.

You were holding the mic. You were the one. Hey, you did it. You were there with me. But it comes with this judgment of like, now you think you're better than.

Yeah, exactly. Right, right.

And we can default to calling that person a hater, but genuinely they feel judged. Like you're judging them for being involved in the thing, that you were just involved. So I think what's. What's tempting in those season is to assume that this person cannot transition with us. This person can no longer accommodate the person that we are becoming. Not because they need to change, but because they can also contain some dualism in themselves. Okay, yeah, I am your friend that a's with you, but I can also be your friend Saturday night doing up tea on the couch. You know, I am more than just this context. I am more than just this activity or this space. And I think it's allowing your friends to evolve with you, even if that doesn't mean they're taking this personal decision to go on that journey or become like how you want to become or step into the season you're stepping into. But they can love you and be like, you know what? Because we used to be in the club on a Saturday night, you know, but now Renee likes to brunch. Now she. So I know Friday night when I'm in the club, 11am Tomorrow, I've got brunching for a day because we no longer heated up in the club. I see her in the morning now.

You know, day party.

And that's the thing. But give me the space to now, now show up for you in that way and give me the opportunity. Because I think we just assume, oh, as soon as I tell her I'm not clubbing anymore, she's not gonna want to hang out with me. She can't understand the new journey that I'm going on. Who told you that, bro? Okay, you no longer want to do that anymore. Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised to see that your friend can adapt, to see that your friend is also versatile and can be like, okay, cool, yeah, I'll meet you at brunch then. That's fine. I'll say, okay, maybe we're gonna even do non alcoholic. That's fine. I like Jill. Me too. I like juice. Do you get what I mean? So allow your friend or allow that person to evolve when you've made your new needs known. Yeah, right. Okay. Even if it's a romantic relationship. I know we used to do this or you used to talk to me like that, but I'm going to now let you know, these are my present needs or these are the new needs. I no longer like that these are my new boundaries. And give that person the opportunity to step up to the plate rather than assuming they just can't or they just won't. And I think it's a sign that we sometimes just don't want to be disappointed. We don't want to tell people our new needs or, you know, our new whatever standards.

Yeah.

And then them tell us that that's whack. Or they no longer want to be with us, so we cut them off first before they have the opportunity to disappoint us or to make us feel bad for this new journey that we're going on. But actually, maybe your friends won't disappoint you. Maybe your partner won't disappoint you. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised that they will step up to the plate and you can do this thing together. And I think secondly, with the habits. The point that I'll add to yours is nature aboards a vacuum. If you're gonna get rid of something, you better fill it with something else. Because we often go into the whole, okay, like that pornography thing. Right. Not gonna watch pornography anymore. Okay, so then now what are you gonna do when you get horny? Because it doesn't mean the feeling is just gonna go away because you have this mental determination. So what's the truth now? What are we going to do in that time? And I think that's when people stumble.

Yeah.

And they fall. Because now the feelings come. Or, you know, maybe you want sweet treats and now you're feeling it all peckish. Peckish for a sweet treat. And you usually would go to the, you know, cupboard and eat a couple Oreos. That feeling, that feeling has come back. Or that desire. Exactly. That desire has come back. But now you have no replacement. Now you don't know what to do with yourself. Now you're in bed twiddling your thumbs because you're trying not to go on your phone, or you're trying not to go to the kitchen, but you're not doing anything to take your mind away from what you're not doing.

Yeah.

So sometimes it's not just about what I'm no longer doing. It's about what I'm doing. Doing in replacement of that thing that's good. And allowing ourselves to do something healthier. So maybe being like, okay, I'm not gonna get up and go to the kitchen and. And eat those Oreos. Maybe instead I'm gonna eat a few nuts or I'm gonna eat, you know, a fruit. Or I'm just gonna force myself to go to sleep on melatonin and fall asleep.

That real? That real.

Because this is what I need to replace it with. Or, sorry, maybe I'm just gonna drink some water. Maybe I'm thirsty and I'm not hungry. But what. So I need to keep, practically, I need to by my bed for those moments where I'm craving something sugary in the night and I need to just reach for something. Or maybe I just love the act of chewing. So let Me pop a chewing gum. But practically no, you know, actually very interesting fact. Food is not actually addictive. Eating is addictive. Yeah, that's the addiction. Eating, the actual like process of eating food. So maybe you just need to be chewing some gum, chewing, just chew, chew, chew, chew to your, your heart is content, you know. And then in the, in the case of like pornograph, okay, maybe instead I'm gonna watch a film or I'm gonna read something or I'm gonna, I need to do something in replacement of what I used to do. And I love what you mentioned about looking for the triggers because now it's about thinking when we think practically. A lot of us formed unhealthy relationships or unhealthy habits as a coping mechanism to something.

Yeah.

Maybe there are times where I feel very lonely and now I'm running to pornography or I feel very anxious, now I'm running to food or I feel, feel disappointed. Now I've got a million bowls of spaghetti. Do you get what I mean? I'm trying to soothe, I'm trying to cope. And now we need to think, okay, how, what are healthier coping mechanisms? Or how can we heal this wound completely so that I no longer need to cope? Yeah, right. So it's about allowing ourselves to recognize what am I doing in replacement of the thing that I'm trying to let go of. What am I going to hold on to now? Now cuz I've been so used to holding on to something and hopefully I can heal to a point where I no longer need to hold on to anything but I can actually live in freedom. That is a process and it requires you to fill that vacuum with something. So yeah, that's what I would say.

Delightful. Yeah.

And the rising trend of this whole letting, letting go and detox in our lives. And I think there's another angle. Maybe we'll talk about this in a future episode. But talking about like detoxing content, I know a lot about like curating our feeds and stuff like that. But I think that's worth revisiting cuz the nature of the Internet has changed quite a bit. Have those conversations. I think it'll be good to revisit. But yeah, I enjoy this conversation with you.

Me too, bro. This was a good one.

Yeah.

Hey sisters, we hope you enjoyed that conversation and we're looking forward to hearing your thoughts, reflections. So make sure you chime in in the comments below. Now before you go, we have a, a reflective question for you to think about as you go ahead with this week. And the question for the week is what habits, environments and people are you hanging on to that you might need to let go of and really think about whether it's because of fear, obligations, nostalgia? What is it that is at the root of you holding on to these things and relationships? So would love to hear your thoughts on either that question or the episode at large. Make sure you drop it like it's hot in the comment section below. And if you are listening listening on Spotify, do make sure that you drop a comment there as well. Sisters, we love you. But do make sure that you also follow us on all of our social media platforms. Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, everywhere. Sisters. Make sure you are part of the movement. And of course, if you haven't already joined, join the Sisterhood. That is our exclusive digital Sisterhood platform where we hit you guys with a weekly live stream on Wednesday to gist, catch up, commune, have a whole bunch of fun together with a whole bunch of our sisters. And of course don't forget to follow us individually. You can follow my lovely bestie over at CD Barteng and you can follow me over Enee Kapuku and Sisters, last but not least, make sure you sign up to the mailing list. Yes, every single week we send you a personalized love letter which is typically tied to the theme of the podcast and what we are tackling for the week. So make sure you sign up [e-mail] and it means that you never miss a beat when we're dropping events or anything that is happening within the to my Sisters ecosystem. Now Sisters, we hope and pray that you have an excellent week ahead and as always, keep glowing and growing.

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