''NO' is a Full Sentence': The Power of Saying ‘No', Setting Boundaries & Actually Sticking to Them

Summary

Podcast Summary: "''NO' is a Full Sentence': The Power of Saying ‘No', Setting Boundaries & Actually Sticking to Them"

To My Sisters Episode Release Date: May 11, 2025
Hosts: Courtney Daniella Boateng & Renée Kapuku
Description: In this empowering episode, Courtney and Renée delve into the essential skill of setting boundaries and the transformative power of saying "no." They explore the societal pressures that make it challenging for women to assert their needs and offer practical advice on maintaining healthy relationships without compromising personal well-being.

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Understanding the Struggle with Saying "No"

Courtney kicks off the conversation by addressing a common obstacle many women face: the difficulty in saying "no." She acknowledges that whether due to chronic people-pleasing tendencies, fear of taking up too much space, or the guilt associated with prioritizing oneself, saying "no" can be a significant hurdle.

Notable Quote:
Courtney (03:06): "We're going to explore women's relationships with the word no."

The Socialization of Women as Givers and Caregivers

Renée offers a deep dive into how societal norms have historically positioned women as caregivers and perpetual givers. This ingrained role often leads to others perceiving women as always available, making it harder to set and maintain personal boundaries.

Notable Quote:
Renée (03:21): "We are often socialized as caregivers. We are socialized as people that are, you know, givers in so many different capacities."

Personal Experiences with People-Pleasing

Courtney shares her personal journey of struggling with chronic people-pleasing, a pattern ingrained from childhood where she was taught to "suffer in silence." This upbringing made it challenging for her to assert her needs and prioritize her well-being in adulthood.

Notable Quote:
Courtney (02:11): "I struggled with being a chronic people pleaser my whole life."

Recognizing and Valuing Personal Needs

Both hosts emphasize the importance of recognizing one’s own needs as legitimate and worthy of protection. They discuss how denying personal needs leads to burnout, resentment, and a diminished sense of self-worth.

Notable Quote:
Renée (05:58): "The more you give without taking into account that there's a cost, there's an energy deficit there, you will find yourself burnt out."

Practical Strategies for Setting Boundaries

Courtney and Renée provide actionable strategies for listeners to start setting and enforcing boundaries. They share examples such as scheduling personal time, using technology tools like "Do Not Disturb," and clearly communicating preferences in various aspects of life.

Notable Quote:
Renée (20:21): "We did an exercise whereby we did a like Visa card or like postcard of me. How to interact with me."

Dealing with Guilt and Resistance

A significant portion of the discussion addresses the guilt that accompanies boundary-setting. The hosts explain that this guilt often stems from internalized beliefs that one’s needs are less important than others’. They also discuss how to handle pushback from those who may not initially respect these boundaries.

Notable Quote:
Courtney (09:46): "What we've started it off on a good note there and giving like a lot of things that we can all relate to actually."

Being Difficult vs. Setting Boundaries

Renée clarifies the difference between being difficult and setting healthy boundaries. She explains that true boundary-setting is about self-respect and mental well-being, not about causing disruption or resentment.

Notable Quote:
Renée (16:04): "The intention there is not to be difficult. The intention there is to protect my mental health and well being."

Listener’s Dilemma and Hosts’ Advice

The episode features a heartfelt segment where a listener shares her struggle with people-pleasing and setting boundaries. Courtney and Renée offer compassionate advice, encouraging her to continue practicing boundary-setting and seeking support through therapy and community.

Notable Quote:
Courtney (22:03): "Sisters, we know we are having a good, juicy conversation all about boundaries, but, girl, sometimes enforcing your boundaries is hard."

Practical Challenges and Activities for Listeners

Towards the end, the hosts present a reflective question and a practical challenge for listeners to identify areas in their lives where they say "yes" out of fear or obligation. They encourage journaling and setting small, manageable boundaries as steps toward personal growth.

Notable Quote:
Courtney (46:37): "This week's reflective question for you to go and journal, think about, write about is the following. Where in your life right now are you saying yes only out of fear or obligation?"

Maintaining Relationships While Setting Boundaries

Courtney and Renée discuss how to maintain healthy relationships while enforcing boundaries. They highlight the importance of communication, grace, and understanding that some behaviors are habitual and require time to change.

Notable Quote:
Renée (37:30): "If you can’t change, then I’m going to change or I’m going to make sure that I’m enforcing my boundaries so that I’m still respected."

Final Takeaways and Encouragement

In their closing remarks, the hosts reinforce the message that setting boundaries is a vital act of self-respect and protection of one's valuable time, well-being, and joy. They encourage listeners to embrace their worth and continue advocating for their needs.

Notable Quote:
Renée (46:37): "These are things that are valuable. These are things that are worthy of being protected. So don't be afraid to protect these valuable things and don't be afraid to protect yourself."

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Reflection and Action Items

Reflective Question:
Where in your life right now are you saying yes only out of fear or obligation? Identify at least one place.

Weekly Challenge:
Identify at least three opportunities to say "no" and enforce a boundary based on your values. These can range from small daily decisions to more significant life choices.

Join the Community

Courtney and Renée invite listeners to join their digital sisterhood for support and accountability as they work on setting and maintaining boundaries. They also encourage engagement through social media and their newsletter for continuous inspiration and community building.

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This episode of To My Sisters offers a profound exploration of the challenges and triumphs associated with setting personal boundaries. Through relatable anecdotes, expert insights, and practical advice, Courtney Daniella Boateng and Renée Kapuku empower women to prioritize their well-being without guilt.

Transcript

[Courtney]

Hey, I'm Elise Hu, host of the podcast Ted Talks Daily. For more than 20 years, Paylocity has been leading the way with cutting edge work solutions like On Demand Payment which offers employees access to wages prior to payday, flexible time tracking features which enable staff to clock in and out through their mobile device, and numerous other cutting edge solutions that simplify collaboration across hr, finance and it. Learn more about how Paylocity can help streamline work and enhance business outcomes for your [e-mail] Simplified hi, it's Courtney and Renee from the To My Sisters podcast and this episode is sponsored by the Long Wave, a free weekly newsletter from the Guardian.

[Renee]

Now Sisters, if you've ever felt like our stories, our global black experiences deserve more depth, more nuance, more spotlight, the Long Wave might be just what you've been looking for.

[Courtney]

Written by Guardian columnist Nezrine Malik and edited by Jason Okundaye, this newsletter brings you rich reporting, fresh commentary and powerful features from across Africa, the us, the uk, the Caribbean and beyond. Whether it's music, politics, business or beauty, it's a space where our culture, our voices and our realities are thoughtfully explored and conversations which are often limited to social media and WhatsApp groups are amplified.

[Renee]

If you love the conversations we have here, on To My Sisters. We think you'll love what the Long Wave is building too. Sign up to the Long Wave for free at theguardian.com forward/thelongwave25.

[Courtney]

We are going to be talking about boundaries, saying no and sticking to it.

[Renee]

Okay, I value my time, but I've also agreed to xyz. What compromises can I come to where I'm still valuing my time, but I'm also respecting this relationship.

[Courtney]

Why would I try to assert my boundaries again if it's going to lead to this much commotion?

[Renee]

If your intention is to retain the integrity of the relationship, then you will find a way to erect that boundary without, you know, lambasting being mean to that person.

[Courtney]

I struggled with being a chronic people pleaser my whole life. Growing up, I was taught to, quote, unquote, suffer in silence.

[Renee]

Hello and welcome to the To My Sisters Are podcast. I'm Renee.

[Courtney]

And I'm Courtney and we are your online sisters and hosts of the 2 My Sisters podcast.

[Renee]

Now we are all about promoting the wellness, growth and development of a community of sisters across the world.

[Courtney]

And today we are going to be talking about boundaries, saying no and sticking to it. Okay? Literally. I think a lot of us on our journeys may have discovered at some point that we struggle with Saying no. It could be that we're a people pleaser. It could be that we just don't want to take up too much space. It could be that we feel selfish and guilty about saying no. Yeah, we're going to explore women's relationships with the word no.

[Renee]

Oh, you in your Oprah bag today, you said that. No.

[Courtney]

Yeah, no. We have to be able to say it with confidence. It's a full sentence. No, full stop. So why do you think so many women feel guilty about saying no?

[Renee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's a myriad of different reasons. The first thing that comes to mind for me is the way that we've been socialized as women. We are often socialized as caregivers. We are socialized as people that are, you know, givers in so many different capacities. We are socialized as, you know, very much service oriented. And I think even in terms of our career choices as well, when we think of service oriented businesses or when we think of support systems, we often think of women. And when you are socialized in these particular categories or these particular ways, people can find it easy to then think that they have unfettered access to you. Right. Like when you think of, for example, the hospital. You go to the hospital when you're sick, you ain't thinking about the hospital's boundaries. You're like, I'm sick. I need something. I need you to supply me and support me with my needs. When you think about a mother, you know, daughter, son relationship, the daughter and son is not thinking about the mother's boundaries. Babe, hit me up. I need you like I need the breast milk or like I need the food, like I'm crying. I need something I need. When you think about even popular associations around, like, wifehood and stuff like that, it's probably not as distinctive as motherhood may be, but in terms of, you know, the wife's role, being a caretaker, a caregiver, fulfilling the needs of the husband. With so many of us playing these roles of caregivers, especially as caregivers, where oftentimes we have to give people access to us, it can feel very, very weird and difficult to then take up a position where you're putting up a boundary against a person, whether it be in the actual situation. So mothers, wives, caregivers, it can feel very, very difficult to erect a boundary, especially when it feels like you're denying somebody else their needs. But it often comes as a consequence of you denying your needs. And that's the bit that we often don't recognize. And why we feel guilty because we haven't recognized that we have needs too, and those needs need to be supplanted. So as much as we are run running around feeling guilty about other people's needs, oftentimes, and I'm guilty of this, even we don't actually recognize what our needs are. Like, who is there to supply our needs? We don't even give ourselves space to recognize exactly what our needs are. And so it's very, very easy to see how a lot of women feel really guilty about saying no, about having boundaries, about prioritizing themselves, because we have literally created these caricatures of ourselves as givers. Give, give, give.

[Courtney]

No take, no take.

[Renee]

The issue is the equation is imbalanced. The more you give, which is great. No one is saying that you shouldn't be service oriented. No one is saying that you shouldn't give. But the more you give without taking into account that there's a cost, there's an energy deficit there, you will find yourself burnt out, you will find yourself resentful, you will find yourself tired, and you will find yourself empty. Big time empty.

[Courtney]

So true.

[Renee]

And so for a lot of us as women, that's often the reason. Well, at least one of the reasons why we can find it so difficult to erect boundaries. We have gotten used to being givers with not without receiving anything to fill our cup. Our cup is empty and we're pouring from nothing. We are. To the point where there's one really lovely quote that goes something along the lines of, why are you setting yourself on fire? To keep somebody warm. And many of us started the journey with looking for firewood to keep people warm. But then when that firewood ran out, we started using our own body parts to keep other people warm. And that is the challenge. A lot of us have gotten to a place where we're literally setting ourselves on fire. We are compromising on our own needs, we are compromising on our own livelihoods to ensure that there is warmth provided to something or someone else. And so for women, when it comes to erecting boundaries, first of all, you actually need to recognize there's a need. There's a need that actually requires a ring fencing to be able to erect a boundary. And if you don't have that, well, of course the walls are going to fall down because it's not built on a sturdy foundation of a need. The need is the foundation. What is it that you're trying to prioritize by building a boundary in the first place? Is it your mental health? Is it Your well being, is it your happiness, is it your joy, is it your energy? And actually seeing these things as worthy of protect.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And so a lot of us, we don't see our needs, we don't see ourselves as worthy of protecting. And that translates to, and that heavily translates to the guilt that we feel when it comes to erecting those boundaries. But what do you think, friend, in terms of the challenges?

[Courtney]

That's really good. I think you've really started it off on a good note there and giving like a lot of things that we can all relate to actually. And I do think in the way we are socialized as women, we are told like, girl, put your needs last, you don't matter. Exactly. You don't matter. And I think even exploring this around myself, like in therapy, a lot of it was, even when you were at the age of needing to depend on people.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Sometimes that it wasn't afforded to you, you know, it didn't happen. You know, not because my parents were evil, my parents were cool. But like, you know, life circumstances, you know, growing up and being broke or, you know, ending up being raised by a single parent, sometimes your needs aren't met and so you get to a place where you don't make demands anymore. And I think we carry that into adulthood where we don't actually make demands. We don't ask for things, we don't, you know, allow people to, like you said, recognize that we actually have needs, we actually have desires. There are actually certain things that will protect us and that deserves to actually be respected.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

So I think it's one seeing yourself as, like you said, someone who has needs and allowing yourself to have needs as well. I think the other one, the other reason why sometimes we feel guilt around boundaries is when you've tried to assert boundaries before and they've been violated and it's like, damn, why would I try to assert my boundaries again if it's going to lead to this much commotion or this much like, you know, labeling or backlash or them being violated. Why would I open myself up to that kind of disappointment?

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Over and over and over again. And I think what I've seen from different women is when our boundaries are continuously disrespected, we struggle to exert consequences because that makes us feel guilty.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Like, okay, you violated my boundaries, that makes me feel so bad. But now I also feel guilty about cutting you off as a friend or ending this relationship or that's really putting some distance between us. I think there's also a lot of guilt that surrounds consequences.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And I think sometimes it does show that, like, girl, you're not even honoring the boundaries that you set by making sure that there is to some degree a consequence to violating them, but also believing that what has been done to you is actually a violation. Like, I think for a lot of us, something happens to us and we're like, oh, just, you know, water under the bridge. I'll forgive. But it's like, babe, this is actually crossing your boundaries, like, continuously. And it may feel like it's not a threat, but it does something to your sense of safety. It does something to your sense of self. It does something to your feeling of being protected. And so speak up against that. Like, even if it's a small thing as well, I think sometimes the guilt is like, okay, this is a personal boundary to be. And I know that some people are okay with it. So, for example, like, what's a good example that I can give? Like, sharing food. Like, some people may be like, I know that sharing food is common, but I don't want anyone to touch my food. Do you know what I mean? And it may. And it may be tied to something deep or it might not. It might just be a preference. It might just be an ick. It doesn't even have to be deep. It's just. I don't like it. So stop trying to force it on me. Like, take your filthy hands from my.

[Renee]

No, because it's the hands.

[Courtney]

Honestly, it's a lot.

[Renee]

You're speaking to me specifically.

[Courtney]

But with that, it may be, like, easy to minimize it and be like, oh, but, you know, it's just food. It's just food. It's like, babe, it makes you severely uncomfortable. Just say it. Like, I. It really irks me that you eat from my plate. And, like, you and that person can, you know, get to a common ground of like, okay, it may irk you, but I'm going to continue doing it. And you may both decide that you're fine with that, or you may have to assert that. Like, no, it actually. It grieves me that you do this. It grieves me that you do this. I go to bed angry because, you know, when you're sleeping, you get what I mean? And it's now playing on my mind. Stop doing that. Do you get what I mean? And so for some of us, we, like, discount our boundaries because that's not that deep. Yeah, but, babe, if it's deep to you, it's actually deep. Talk it out. I don't know if you want to take it to therapy or talk about it with the person or what. But like, it's actually okay to be like, I don't like that when you do that. And like, like I recently told you, I don't like being surprised.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

I was talking to my fiance and he was just like, you know, you like surprises that you know about. I said, you're damn right I don't like to be surprised.

[Renee]

Woo.

[Courtney]

Shock. Why? It. My central nervous system. My central nervous system. I could collapse or die. I can't take it. My heart. I feel unsafe. Right.

[Renee]

Surprise. Happy birthday. Guys.

[Courtney]

Guys, I could die. Don't do that. I, like, feel. Feel unsaved. I feel like I've been deceived. So many things are layered there. No, no, it's a big deal for me. Really, it's a big deal.

[Renee]

So when it comes to.

[Courtney]

Sorry, no, go on.

[Renee]

When it comes to, like, birthdays and like, general milestones when people want to surprise you, what's the.

[Courtney]

Well, I think one, I latch on towards surprise very quickly. So, like, I can tell something's happening. I'm quite good at that. But, like, if it were to happen, I'm like, genuinely shocked. So, like, for example, I think my 23rd birthday, my friend Jade surprised me with, like, everyone was at dinner and we walked in and I was completely caught off guard in those moments. That's not too problematic for me because obviously, woo. Joyful. But I don't like scary like boo. Or like scary like. Or like surprises. For things that I. I see. Well, I was gonna say for things that I see coming, but it's also things I don't see coming. So it's all of it. Don't shock me. Don't surprise me. Don't run up on me.

[Renee]

Do you know what's funny, guys? I used to do that.

[Courtney]

Yeah, ex. Exactly. And I'm. I'm telling you, Renee, I wanted to hit you. Like, it just. It just like Renee would just be behind me and be like, boo. If I slapped you now as. As a, like, just as a reflex. Now it's a problem.

[Renee]

No, you're actually so funny. Because the thing is, I thought that was doing something.

[Courtney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, No, I know, but. But this is what I mean by the point. It's like you weren't doing anything deeply problematic. Do you get what I mean? And it's literally just the personal thing. Like, it wasn't like, oh, she's such an evil person. She keeps surprising me. But it's like, I don't know why this Is weird for me, but I actually don't deeply. I deeply dislike this experience. I deeply dislike this experience. Like, I feel so violated. I was so safe in my little cocoon. I was in my thoughts. And now suddenly, disruption. But stuff like that, I think it's. As I've gotten older, I've learned, like, don't just sweep stuff like that under the rug. Like, if. Because it can actually just turn into, like, a deep annoyance. And it's like, girl, just say, like, I don't like that. Do you get what I mean? And, like, it's actually okay. Like. Like I'm saying, I recently told you, I don't like that. And it was like, this seems so dumb to express, but it's a boundary. I don't know why it is important. Like. And so. And then the last thing that I will say, and I think it leads really well on to the next point, is that you don't want to be labeled as being difficult.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And I think this is what happens when women put boundaries at work, in their family, in their, you know, marriage, in their relationship. It's just seen as you're being too difficult. Like, why can't you just appease everybody? If you say, like, that's the time for that meeting doesn't work for me. And suddenly it's, oh, my God, it works for everybody else. Okay, so you guys meet without me then. But we need you, then you have to work around the situation. I'm sorry, I can't move something or maybe, like, this past my bedtime. Like, I'm sorry, do you get what I mean? Or, you know, and it doesn't mean that you can't bend. And so I think that leads to the next question, which is.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

What is the difference between being difficult and just being somebody who has boundaries?

[Renee]

Yeah. Somebody that has boundaries. Great question. And I think more time. Most of us are trying to be people that have boundaries rather than being difficult. I think, especially for women, we are just trying to have some boundaries. I think for those that are trying to erect boundaries, it really is a. It really is tied to the intention behind the boundary or the intention behind the behavior. So for a lot of us, we're not trying to intentionally be difficult. We're not intentionally trying to cause disruption. Right. It really is about prioritizing and protecting our mental health and, well, being, prioritizing ourselves and knowing a selfish way in that we are completely eschewing everybody around us. But it's more so a recognition that you two are valuable and there are certain Things in your life, there are certain things that are in line with your values that are valuable and need to be protected. A great example is one that you shared, but really around time. Yeah, right. Like if you are someone that intrinsically believes that your time is valuable, then you should also have logically boundaries around your time. It may be that you are an early bird, which means that, okay, cool. For me, for example, between the hours of, I want to say 5 to 9am, I'm not going to respond to any text messages. Don't call me unless it's an emergency. That's my me time, because I prioritize that time. The intention there is not to be difficult. The intention there is not to cause discord or sow discord. The intention there is to actually protect my mental health and well being so that I can show up in the different areas or the different spaces that require me to show up well, and it actually provides fuel to relationships anyways, and I think that's another important distinction. What are your boundaries actually producing and doing? Is it producing again, disruption? Is it producing resentment, all that kind of stuff? Or is it. And when I say resentment and all of these negative emotions, I mean more so for yourself than, you know, other people. Because sometimes when we erect boundaries, as you were mentioning, we might not be met with the correct response. We might be met with a, you're doing too much, you're being difficult or disruptive, but you're actually not being difficult, you're just being respectful of your own time and your own values. And I think it starts there. So what is it that you are trying to produce by protecting your time? Are you actively trying to produce time where you can protect yourself, where you can focus on yourself, where you can, you know, be better to yourself for yourself as well as being able to show up for other people as well? Or is it that you're literally intentionally trying to be disruptive, annoying, genuinely don't like people, so you're trying to be a bit difficult. Chances are you fall into the former rather than the latter. And I think many of us actually need to go on that journey of practicing erecting some of those boundaries and enforcing, as you were saying, some of those consequences. Again, work is a perfect, perfect analogy or perfect place that you can do that. I think because many of us are in these spaces and there are parts of us that don't inherently feel that we are valuable in those spaces and that translates to the way that we interact with people. I will never forget in the very early years of working My line manager said to me, shout out to him, actually love him. My line manager said to me, we had a one to one and he was like, Renee, like the work that you do is great, lovely person, all of that kind of good stuff, but I don't really feel like you're bringing your full self to work. And I was like, oh, what does that mean in terms of like personality, etc. And he was like, no, no, no. Like I know that you do like other things, I know that there's other things that you really enjoy prioritizing, but I haven't really seen you push back or challenge. And I was like, what do you mean push back or challenge? Look, I'm not trying to have any like repercussions. And he was like, there it is. You're afraid of the repercussions of basically erecting boundaries or you are afraid of the consequences of you deciding, ah, this is valuable to me or me, you know, ring fencing this time for myself. And he actually encouraged me. He was like, look, I appreciate that you are an excellent worker, but I also appreciate that you actually need to spend some time like in the mornings or in the evenings or if there's some times where like for example, meetings don't work for you, that's actually perfectly okay. And we actually followed up doing an exercise. Granted, I know that this is not the reality for everyone.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

But we did an exercise whereby we did a like Visa card or like postcard of me. How to interact with me. Do you prefer feedback that is written down or face to face? Do you prefer having meetings in the morning or the afternoon? When is the best time to approach you about a particular situation? And it wasn't necessarily to promote difficulty, but actually to promote ease. And I think sometimes we think that just because there's initial resistance to us in our boundaries, we don't realize that sometimes it actually lends itself to long term ease. So yes, there's the initial difficulty of expressing and articulating these are my boundaries, but it actually makes it easier to relate to other people because then they get to understand you and the way that you work and it makes things so much easier. The same way with some of my co workers I know, do not contact them before 12pm Just don't do it. You will get nothing from them. Or you know, they're not working on a Wednesday, if they've got childcare, don't message them then. Or they really love having meetings on Tuesday mornings because that's the time that they're fresh and Ready? If I'm also willing to respect their boundaries, then I have to trust that when I erect my boundaries, they will have to respect it. Have to. And there will be consequences if it happens. And it's not going to always be a perfect implementation. There will be some people that, you know, transgress your boundaries, sometimes unintentionally and not in a mean way, but it's down to you actually doing the work of, hey, you've transgressed my boundary. I'm gonna give you three strikes. The first strike, you didn't know. The second strike, you're trying to be annoying. The third strike, you're actually liable for consequences. Now, kind of like the driving system, points for your license and all of that kind of good stuff.

[Courtney]

Sisters, we know we are having a good, juicy conversation all about boundaries, but, girl, sometimes enforcing your boundaries is hard. And so here we are. Well, here I am to help you. Hopefully it will be sufficient. So we have a ding, ding, ding dilemma. Okay. Hello, sisters. I'm really grateful for your show. Not show, ciao. Yeah, I'll take it. And I'd love some guidance on my situation. I'm a woman in my early 20s, and I've struggled with being a chronic people pleaser my whole life. Growing up, I was taught to, quote, unquote, I suffer in silence. And as a result, I now have a hard time expressing my feelings, trusting people, or trusting myself. Sorry. And building confidence. I often seek validation from others and don't feel sure of myself. Until recently, I had very little self awareness, and now that I see these patterns, I'm finding it difficult to change. I've tried therapy to work on myself, but I'm not seeing much progress. I've also attempted to set boundaries, but haven't been successful in that either. Sometimes it feels like the people closest to me, friends and family, don't take me seriously or aren't concerned about hurting my feelings. I'll be turning 25 soon and starting a new career. Congratulations. And the last thing I want is to repeat these patterns in the workplace. What are your thoughts on this? And what advice would you give a sister? First of all, thank you so much for sending in this dilemma. And, girl, you are not alone. I think a lot of us can resonate with the fact that our upbringing and the environment we grew up in has kind of shaped us into people pleasers, you know, and that can be a really, really hard trait to let go of. And Honestly, in your 20s, your early 20s in particular, when you're emerging into your adulthood, is when these things tend to actually start manifesting. And so what I would say is, I know you said that you tried therapy, I know you said that you also tried to enforce some boundaries and it's actually not proven to be successful, but give it another go, right? Whether it be going back to therapy or continuing to set yourself small or big boundaries, which you try to enforce. A lot of these things I will say are practice, right? You didn't just become a people pleaser overnight, right? It was maybe years of experiences, someone saying yes here or no there or you don't matter in different ways over time that taught you that your needs actually don't matter. And unlearning that is also not going to happen overnight. It may take years of practice, but now that you're stepping into a new workplace, now that hopefully you still have, you know, relationships with your family and you get to keep interacting with them, start enforcing micro boundaries, just small things here and there. Experimenting with saying no if somebody asks you for something, you know, or just asking, I would say not even about saying no, but asking for your needs to be accommodated for. Like a huge thing that I think we struggle with is asking people to compromise in a way that meets us where we're at, or at least brings them halfway as we move halfway. People pleasers are very used to going to the other end of the spectrum to please the other person. And they struggle with asking that person to come just halfway to meet them in the middle. And so it's okay to ask people to just meet you in the middle and to ask people to be just a little bit, I wouldn't even say inconvenience, but impacted by your needs. And that's actually all right. I think you'd be shocked to find how many people will actually accommodate your micro boundaries. Like, okay, I want to have a meeting at three instead of you jumping to be like, yes, and I'll move my whole, you know, life around so we can have that meeting at 3. Just tell them, actually 4 would work better for me. Is that okay? And they'll probably come back to you and be like, yes. Or if they say no, be like, well, then we're gonna have to find a whole different day. Or maybe try the morning. We don't know. But it's okay to have these conversations. And I'm guarantee you that the maybe fear that you have that people would think, oh, she's being difficult, or ah, why can't she just, you know, accommodate me? Won't actually end up manifesting because most people aren't crazy. I know sometimes we think like people are going to react in the most dramatic ways. Maybe if you have an African mum that's what's, you know, caused you to be fearful. But actually most people are very normal and very used to accommodating for people's needs, needs as well and working around them. So hopefully you are surrounded by sane people who are empathetic and emotionally intelligent enough to understand that you are also worth working around. And so my ultimate advice to this one sis is try again. Keep trying. Keep betting on yourself to actually overcome this people pleasing tendency. And before you know it, it may take you 2 years, 3 years, 5 years, 15, 20, we don't know. But at some point point on your glowing and growing journey, you'll look back and be like hi, it's Courtney and Renee from the To My Sisters podcast and this episode is sponsored by the Long Wave, a free weekly newsletter from the Guardian.

[Renee]

Now Sisters, if you've ever felt like our stories, our global black experiences deserve more depth, more nuance, more spotlight, the Long Wave might be just what you've been looking for.

[Courtney]

Written by Guardian columnist Nezreen Malik and edited by Jason Okundaye, this newsletter brings you rich reporting, fresh commentary and powerful features from across Africa, the us, the uk, the Caribbean and beyond. Whether it's music, politics, business or beauty, it's a space where our culture, our voices and our realities are thoughtfully explored and conversations which are often limited to social media and WhatsApp groups are amplified.

[Renee]

If you love the conversations we have here, on To My Sisters. We think you'll love what the Long Wave is building too. Sign up to the Long Wave for free at theguardian.com forward/the long wave 25.

[Courtney]

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[Renee]

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[Courtney]

In this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying.

[Renee]

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[Courtney]

But that's weird.

[Renee]

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[Courtney]

See full [e-mail] me 10, 20, 15 years ago could never have said no to that. But now I'm able to say no really boldly. And it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get to that point, just don't give up on getting, getting to that point. So yeah, that would be my encouragement to you. Let's get back to the episode, girl.

[Renee]

But yeah, I do think that it is very important for us to understand. Okay, cool. What is it that I'm trying to produce with these boundaries? And how is it that what I value is being reflected in what I'm doing? Yeah, and I think that's the last thing that I'll say around the difference between being difficult and protecting your piece essentially is what I'm actually doing. Is the boundary appropriate for the value that I have internally? Because sometimes we can can say, oh yeah, I'm protecting my peace. I'm trying to like value my time and all of that kind of good stuff. But the boundary that you've actually erected is not conducive to that whatsoever. So for example, to flip the the switch a little bit, I was watching a tick tock recently that was talking about the violation of social codes and how a lot of people don't go to like baby showers anymore or weddings or whatever. They just like, I'm protecting my peace. I'm going through something right now. They rsvpds and they decided on the day I'm not coming and they're sending a message to the mother to or the friend on the day of as they are approaching saying, babe, I can't make it. And the excuses. I'm protecting my peace. I'm erecting a boundary. The value is correct insofar as, okay, cool, you value your time.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

But the implementation of the boundary is absolutely inappropriate, especially considering it's not necessarily a boundary at all, but rather a cop out and an excuse. A cop out and an excuse. And so understanding. Okay, cool, I value my time. But I've also agreed to xyz. What compromises can I come to where I'm still valuing my time, but I'm also respecting this relationship. And so is this boundary, you know this is my value. Is this boundary actually appropriate? I'm coming to the conclusion. Ideally sooner rather than later, especially in those kind of instances where it's very, very last minute. That also shows that, okay, if you were really prioritizing your time, would you have communicated. Exactly. Would you have communic that you were available when you weren't? That's even a violation of your own boundaries in the first instance. And now you end up being perceived as difficult and also creating the reputation of yourself as somebody that's inconsistent and doesn't show up. And so when that starts to be your reputation, when you start using boundaries as an excuse, when you start using boundaries as proxy for the fact that you're actually inconsistent and there's deep character flaws, that's when that moves from being a boundary to you actually being different.

[Courtney]

Yeah, I completely agree.

[Renee]

Yeah, that's some of my thoughts. Course. But I would love to hear what.

[Courtney]

You agree with that. I think what you illustrated on the second half of that was actually perfect because I do think there is a space for us to take this boundaries thing too far. And it's like, oh, I have boundaries, but you're actually just keeping everybody else out and yourself in. Like, these aren't boundaries. I think we used to talk about this very early in the podcast, but this is. These are walls. Like, you're keeping yourself away from people and stopping yourself from intimate relationships. And I have seen a lot of people do things which not only violate social code, but it's also fundamentally, the world doesn't work like that. Like, there are some times where it's like, oh, no, I have a boundary around work. And it's like, but, babe, you signed a contract that says you will work 40 hours a week. You have a duty. Yeah, like, it's illegal.

[Renee]

For what you're doing is actually illegal.

[Courtney]

What you're. What you're doing is called violation of your contractual duties. You will be fired. And like, if that is the case, that's a consequence sequence for you as well. And so I think it's also realizing that, like, boundaries aren't just a cop out for, like you said, I'm not going to show up to do what I've agreed to do. However, it is tailoring how you do what you need to do to make sure that it fits your personal needs in that moment as well. And I love that example you illustrated about your workplace because I do think it's about creating a space where people are also aware. Yeah, I think sometimes we lash out at people. It's like, why are you doing this, babe? I didn't know that you found that. That annoy you. I didn't. I didn't know you don't like meetings in the morning. Why are you shy at me or like, I didn't realize that, like, you had childcare today. That's why I'm calling. Do you get what I mean? That's why. That's why. If I had known. I think for a lot of us, it's also the communication around it as well that would help the enforcement of our boundaries to actually be more effective. But I do think talking about all these, like, consequences, Consequences, it would be good to actually illustrate for the girls. What do consequences look like for violating your boundaries?

[Renee]

Yeah. Yeah. So it doesn't always have to be, I'm cutting off my friend. Yes, they violated my cutting them off. So, for example, I generally have my phone on do not disturb from 5am to about 12pm There are very few people that can get through to me on that dnd. You have to be a favorite on my favorites list to be able to call me.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

If I feel that you are calling me incessantly for things and matters that are not important, I will take you off my favorites list. We're still friends and we're still cool and I love you, but you can no longer access me between these times. You have violated my boundaries a bit one too many times. Which means that we have a little bit of a difference in values. So I need to erect this boundary here. But our relationship is still intact. It's a really good example and I think, I think that's important. It's about outlining what is it that you want as a fruit of the consequence sequence. It's not always going to be you completely cutting off the friend. It's not always you throwing away the relationship. It just means that there's new dynamics that you need to introduce in order for that person to really get it in their head, ah, this boundary. Yeah, I need to respect this one. Or by force, I'm gonna have to respect this one. Do you know what I'm saying? Even with the sharing food example, I find that one so hilarious. If somebody is constantly, like violating your boundary and you're like, I don't like sharing food. Food. But they're constantly putting their hand in your food out of habit. We ain't going to eat no more anymore. We can go get some coffee. Let me see you put your hands and dip your hands. Go ahead, do it.

[Courtney]

Try it.

[Renee]

Go ahead. Because the sharing food one.

[Courtney]

You don't look crazy. Yeah. Are you dipping your two fingers?

[Renee]

You dip your two fingers inside my tea, Everybody else is gonna say that you're crazy. I'm saying.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

So sometimes it looks like you. You removing environmental factors or really enforcing your boundaries by changing things up is actually okay.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

That is my coffee date friend. We no longer go out to eat because you have an incessant need to eat my food. And that does not work for me.

[Courtney]

That's calm.

[Renee]

There's so many activities that you can do. You can go paintballing, you can go laser tag afterwards. We won't eat.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Or better yet, you can get takeaway.

[Courtney]

Oh, babe, I'm just gonna take to go.

[Renee]

I'm gonna take my food to go. But that's all you.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

You know what I'm saying? Or even, you know, there's other things that you can do, different extremities. Right. You can eat before you go, you can decide to eat after.

[Courtney]

That's true.

[Renee]

And yeah, there's different ways of enforcing those different boundaries. When it comes to, for example, meetings at work. You put a block.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

You cannot listen that Google Calendar, even teams, there are certain functionalities whereby if somebody can use automatic decline, literally, I started using that. Excellent. Even sends people a message saying, hey, hey, hey, I'm not around, I'm not around.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

There was one hilarious example. So future brother in law, Kenny, he had a DND or like an out of office. He was on holiday. So you cannot book a meeting with this guy. And the message said, hey, I'm on holiday. You know, spending some time away, much needed time with my family. Perhaps you should consider doing the same. Was like, you know what? If you can impart.

[Courtney]

Do you know what I'm saying?

[Renee]

If you can enforce impart.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

It's not a bad thing. And it actually had me thinking. I said, hm, me too. I need to take a holiday soon. Because if you're taking a holiday, goodness, maybe it's my time too.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

So I think seeing that there are different ways that you can enforce your boundaries without affecting the integrity of your relationship. And I think also even having the intention around that too, it's like, oh, no. Oh, sis, I really love you, but this thing you're doing, it's a bit too much. And I think sometimes you also need to give people grace.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

So for example, even with the whole surprise thing that you don't like, there may be like one or two times in the interim whilst we're transitioning over to respecting your boundaries, that I might still be like, running up in the. Ah, yeah. And then you realize, oh, she don't like that.

[Courtney]

Hilarious.

[Renee]

Giving people transition time. When you erect a boundary as well. So it means that you lower your expectations a little bit. Because I think sometimes we're like, oh, I've told this person this thing, the next day they're going to change. But if it's become habitual, then it requires intentionality to break out of that. But people sometimes require grace. Even you yourself, you need grace. You'll even forget your own boundary. Yeah. And then somebody will have to remind you and say, babe, didn't you say you didn't like it?

[Courtney]

Yeah, exactly. Or didn't you say you were gonna want to do this instead?

[Renee]

So, yeah. Why? Why are you doing this? So, yeah. I think if your intention is to retain the integrity of the relationship, then you will find a way to erect that boundary without, you know, lambasting, being mean to that person. Just giving people a bit more grace and seeing that everybody is coming from a different viewpoint, different standpoint, different lifestyles.

[Courtney]

Well.

[Renee]

And sometimes there are very difficult things that people do that can't be changed.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And if they can't change that, well, hey, there's things that you can change and that's okay.

[Courtney]

Good.

[Renee]

And I think also discerning what's the intention behind somebody breaking the boundary in the first place, because we are very quick to assume that this person's breaking my boundary because they hate me.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

They don't want to be my friend. They don't respect me. And sometimes it's actually not that sometimes, you know, there's cultural differences. Sometimes there's literally things are habitual. They're literally in. Especially if it's a new boundary. Someone has known you for 20 years. Ah, I can tell my mom tomorrow. Mom, I have a boundary.

[Courtney]

Don't call me before at this time.

[Renee]

That lady will still call me.

[Courtney]

Absolutely.

[Renee]

She will say, and the message, ah, she even sent me message after message after message with emoji signed off. You know what I'm saying?

[Courtney]

So why aren't you picking up my call? I told you.

[Renee]

I told you, mom, I'm not going to be around.

[Courtney]

They say, oh, sorry. Anyway, now that. Now that I've got you, continue.

[Renee]

But it's like, you know that that's not malicious and like they're not into intentionally trying to disrespect you. It's more so. Oh, okay. Old habits. Exactly. Die hard. And so if you can't change, it's not that you won't. If you can't change right now, then I'm going to change or I'm going to make sure that I'm enforcing my boundaries so that I'm still respected and I still have the time and space to value myself.

[Courtney]

That's so good. And putting mechanisms in place. I really, really like that. And I think one thing I have definitely learned from Kenny over the time of knowing him is very much like he is, is very, very good at putting mechanisms in place to make sure I don't even need to put my boundaries on you. I will put things in place to make sure that you don't violate my boundaries. Like if you, if Kenny calls you, he's calling you or do not.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

He's like, no. He's calling your do not disturb. He's calling your. No caller id. He's like, you don't need my number. I'm calling you.

[Renee]

Yeah. Oh, who is.

[Courtney]

Who is keeps calling me? Kenny?

[Renee]

He's like, yeah. Hello?

[Courtney]

Yeah. And he's like, you're right. Who is that?

[Renee]

You should have known that it was me, sir.

[Courtney]

How. But now I do. Because you're the only one who does this thing. You're the only one who does this thing literally. But I think that that's a good example of like, I won't wait for you to respect my boundary. I will put something in place to make sure that you must respect it. Cuz the amount of people who like give your number without asking you, that's a perfect example of I won't let you get me.

[Renee]

Me.

[Courtney]

I wouldn't let you get me. Absolutely not.

[Renee]

No. That's crazy.

[Courtney]

I think also on the more difficult side of that as well, because I love that you gave examples of like the day to day ways we can enforce our boundaries. But I also think there are some really defining moments in our life sometimes where it can be hard to enact or enforce a consequence. Right. For example, in a romantic relationship, if a boundary that you have set in your romantic relationship is repeatedly crossed, a consequence looks like ending that relationship. And that can be a really a hard consequence to enforce. You know, not abstinence.

[Renee]

No. Because how many dilemmas? Oh, you know, I wanted to be abstinent with him, but he didn't really respect the boundary. Babe, cut that off.

[Courtney]

Yeah, but also you didn't respect the mount tree either. Like, I think that's a, that's a broader conversation around like, girl, do you even respect why you're doing this at all? Like let alone Him. And also aligning yourself with people who enforce the same boundaries. I think Amsterdam is an interesting one because abstinence is a personal boundary. Like, I'm not. Not. I'm not doing this. It's funny how the Bible talks about, like, sexual immorality being the only sin against your body. Right? Because it's your responsibility to keep this personal boundary, but you need to be with somebody who's also keeping that as a personal boundary. So if you're not, baby girl, this boundary is not a value. Like, let's be honest, it's just for cute. It's just for sure suggestion. And you should really inquire of the Lord on that matter. But what I was gonna say is more so like cheating or shouting or like, I don't like it when. When you shout at me. I don't like it when you're late constantly. And that behavior isn't changing a consequence. Looks like, oh, beloved, we can't walk together anymore. We do not agree. Me and you are not on the same. And like, I've told you that this thing isn't just a preference. It's actually a boundary.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Or like the way you talk about my family, I don't like that. And then discussing that, like, okay, why? Because also sometimes you have to be ready for there to be a bit of pushback. Because, okay, you have this boundary, but this boundary actually doesn't make sense. Or you may need to adapt the boundary in this context. Right? Like, okay, you don't like that I talk about your family, but your family keeps chopping our money. So I have to talk about it. Oh, is it a lie? So let's assess whether this is a boundary we can actually maintain about me. But I think it's also what you said. It's like, what is the purpose of this boundary? What. What is the why behind it? Like, okay, we have the boundary around our families because maybe you want your partner or your spouse to respect your family completely. Fine. But also you can respect your family whilst calling out something they're doing that is threatening your marriage or threatening your relationship or threatening you. Do you get what I mean? And so your partner should feel the freedom to be like, okay, abundant of respecting your family as a value. There is a value on top of that, which is prioritizing your safety and then prioritizing the sanctity and the. The peace of our union. And so with things like that, I think be ready for a bit of pushback. Be ready for a little bit of pushback. And sometimes you can Push back, You know, it's a little tug and push, but be. Be open to that, I would say. And also don't be afraid of your life looking different after the consequences and falling forced, you know, because I think the breakup, one in particular, or maybe distancing yourself from your family, sometimes those things come with repercussions.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

You know, you enforce a consequence, and now you're cut off or, you know, you ain't got an inheritance no more or, you know, no. Think about people who have had to put such a serious boundary between them and their family. And it's like, as much as my family was toxic and stuff, like, I know my grandparents or my daddy left me an inheritance or my mom, you know, and now I don't have access to that because I wouldn't let them abuse me. And now you've got to be okay with the consequence of that. So I think, like, you gotta be a big girl.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Like, I think with the enforcement of boundaries and the enforcement of their consequences, you have to put on your big girl pants and make big girl decisions. Which says, like, okay, I know you violated my boundaries in this romantic relationship. I may be single for a couple years after this, but I would rather be that than be in a situation that constantly violates my peace. I know that, like my family, you are a dearly beloved part of my life. And maybe you are the source of my income right now. But the way y' all keep talking to me and acting towards me, I need to say goodbye and get myself a good big girl job. Okay. Or even a small girl job. Any. Anything. I'll give you some cash so that I can cut myself off from this thing that keeps me attached to this place that. That refuses to let me have peace and safety. Yeah, Right. And that's sometimes a big thing.

[Renee]

That's okay.

[Courtney]

And that's okay. And I can recognize and we can recognize that those things can be very hard and very, very difficult. But your peace, your safety are worth it. Like, they are actually very valuable things. And so, yeah, that's what I would say with consequences. Sometimes they can also look really big.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Really, really big as well.

[Renee]

Well, that's beautiful.

[Courtney]

We are drawing to the end of this conversation.

[Renee]

Oh, no.

[Courtney]

So soon. I want you to leave a little tidbit for the girls around boundaries, especially as they are finding their voices. They are advocating for themselves and they are building the futures that they want. Leave your two my sisters for the girl.

[Renee]

Oh, dropping it like it's hot. The hottest mixtape in town to my Sisters, valuable things need to be protected. Boundaries are one of the greatest ways that you can protect yourself because you are inherently valuable. Your time, your well being, your happiness, your joy, your safety. These are things that are valuable. These are things that are worthy of being protected. So don't be afraid to protect these valuable things and don't be afraid to protect yourself.

[Courtney]

That's so, so good. So good.

[Renee]

Hey sisters, we hope that you enjoyed that episode on everything boundaries and saying no. As mentioned, no is a full sentence, nothing else added. But before we leave you as per, we wanted to give you something practical to run away with to help you with really erecting some of those boundaries, but also reviewing some of those relationships and the way that you'd be interacting in these spaces where you are not showing up for yourself. And so this week's reflective question for you to go and journal, think about, write about is the following. Where in your life right now are you saying yes only out of fear or obligation? Identify at least one place. Ideally, if you do know that you have more places, then girl, make a list. We got work to do and that is okay. But where right now in your life are you making those compromises out of fear or obligation and not actually truly out of you establishing your core values use or you establishing your boundaries? So make a list. Write at least one this week. And in terms of those activities, this is where we get a bit more practical. So it's one thing to identify the areas where you're finding yourself saying yes to things, but it's another thing to start enacting your boundaries and start saying no. And this is the perfect week for uses to start saying no. Full sentences. Sentence period, full stop. So this week I challenge you. This is your activity. I want you to identify at least three places or three opportunities for you to say no and enforce a boundary. It doesn't have to be anything huge. We spoke about this in the podcast episode. It can be something that's quite small. Whether it is saying no to the meeting that is happening a bit too late in the working day. It may be saying no to the calls that are coming through through. It may be saying no to engaging in any work based activities on a Saturday. It is up to you. But find those three opportunities for you to say no and enact those boundaries based on your values. It can also be something quite big if you're feeling like you're up to the mammoth task of doing the deep work and actually enforcing boundaries in your relationships. Girl, if it looks like you breaking up with Somebody this week we are praying for you. But there is so much peace and joy to be found on the other side of you enforcing those boundaries. So that's your activity, that's your challenge. And if you would like sisterhood, friendship, community, accountability, especially as you enact some of those boundaries, then you should join our digital sisterhood, the Sisterhood community, where we gather on a weekly basis every single Wednesday to gist, to enjoy, to vibe vibe, and to hold each other accountable to some of our goals throughout the week. So if that sounds like something that you could benefit from, I would definitely recommend that you join. The link will be in the description below as well as in the description for Spotify. And we hope that you can join us soon. Ish. Ideally as soon as you've heard the sound of my voice. That would be great. That would be great. But sisters, if you would also like to stay up to date with all things to My Sisters, then make sure you join the newsletter over at www.tomysisters.com so you can stay up to date, but also receive those beautiful weekly love letters that we send to our community every single Monday, as well as any updates on any cool events that are coming up and coming around near you. Sisters, we hope you enjoyed this episode. Please let us know your thoughts on our social media platforms. There's Instagram, there's Tick Tock, there's X. Whatever platform that you think think is the most appropriate for you to share your voice, your thoughts, let us know. Drop a comment. Follow us. Make sure that you are part of the conversation. How have you fared in enforcing your boundaries? What have been your previous experiences? Share the nuggets, share the knowledge, share the experiences with the sisterhood. And of course you can follow us both individually. You can follow my Lovely bestie at CBBoateng on pretty much everything and you can follow me over over at Renee Kapuku. All right, sisters, well, we are praying for a wonderful boundary filled. Boundary filled. Okay, boundary filled week ahead. And we also pray that in enacting those boundaries that you yourself can see the value of yourself, your time, your wellness, peace, joy and all of the good things that are important to you. Wishing you a very, very restful week. A week where you say yes to yourself, health and no to the things that are preventing you from saying that yes to yourself in the first place. We will catch you very, very soon. Probably sooner than you'd expect and sooner that than you think. But until then, sisters, we love you. Keep glowing and growing.

[Courtney]

Hello, this is Dani from Everything Iconic and there is tea to spill. And as always, I'm here for it. The all new season of the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is coming to Hulu on May 15th. We'll finally see what's going on with our favorite saints and sinners. This season is a tangled web of jealousy, exes and drama. It's going to be pure insanity. So excited. Don't miss the new season of the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives coming to Hulu May 15th.