The Comparison Trap in 2025: How to Stay Rooted When Everyone Else is 'Winning'

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Comparison Trap in 2025: How to Stay Rooted When Everyone Else is 'Winning'"

Episode Information:

• Title: To My Sisters
• Hosts: Courtney Daniella Boateng & Renée Kapuku
• Episode: The Comparison Trap in 2025: How to Stay Rooted When Everyone Else is 'Winning'
• Release Date: June 22, 2025

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Introduction to the Episode

In this compelling episode of the To My Sisters podcast, hosts Courtney Daniella Boateng and Renée Kapuku tackle the pervasive issue of comparison in the modern age. Titled "The Comparison Trap in 2025: How to Stay Rooted When Everyone Else is 'Winning'," the discussion delves deep into how social media and societal pressures exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and jealousy, impeding personal growth and holistic wellness.

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The Silent Trap of Comparison [02:16 - 08:56]

Understanding the Subtlety of Comparison

Courtney opens the conversation by highlighting how easily individuals can fall into the trap of comparison, especially with the omnipresence of social media. She remarks,

"Comparison is a tough one, especially navigating it in the age of social media. The age-old adage of comparison is a thief of joy."
— Courtney [02:22]

Renée elaborates on the silent and insidious nature of comparison, likening it to a spreading weed that preys on one’s insecurities:

"Comparison is quiet, it's silent. And those are often the deadliest killers. They find their way in, they get a foothold in your life..."
— Renée [03:33]

Impact on Identity and Self-Esteem

The hosts discuss how comparison can erode one’s sense of self, leading to feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. Renée emphasizes:

"It robs you of your identity because it's only somebody that's fully rooted in their identity that doesn't feel threatened by somebody else's."
— Renée [04:35]

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The Role of Social Media [11:10 - 29:17]

Curated Realities and Perceived Timelines

Courtney and Renée explore how social media platforms present curated versions of people’s lives, making it easy to compare personal milestones unfavorably. Courtney observes:

"The girls are getting engaged, we're engaged... Everyone's getting married, having kids, buying properties... it may make you feel like you're not where you want to be in life."
— Courtney [11:10]

Renée adds that these curated feeds often omit the struggles and time invested behind each achievement, leading to distorted perceptions:

"The timelines that we often see from other people are perfectly curated moments... there's a degree of intentionality in curating those feeds."
— Renée [14:36]

Consequences of Constant Comparison

The incessant exposure to others’ successes can lead to heightened anxiety and a sense of falling behind. Renée warns:

"Comparison could very much produce things like inspiration. It can produce things like intimacy and friendships... But if left unchecked, it becomes a silent killer."
— Renée [08:57]

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Listener Correspondence: Friendship Struggles [21:07 - 34:28]

Addressing the Challenge of Unequal Effort in Friendships

A heartfelt message from a listener grapples with the pain of unreciprocated friendships and repeated betrayals. The hosts respond with empathy and practical advice. Renée assures:

"You are deserving of reciprocal relationships and friendships. You deserve it, point blank."
— Renée [34:28]

Courtney reinforces the importance of setting boundaries and articulating personal needs within friendships:

"If you find yourself around the same age and stage in life, you're going to hop on the Internet and see milestone after milestone... If you're not living the life that you want because it feels like other people won't celebrate that, you need to start questioning whether you're allowing comparison to hold you hostage."
— Courtney [29:17]

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Trusting God's Timing and Embracing Patience [35:47 - 48:03]

Spiritual Insights on Contentment

Courtney and Renée delve into the spiritual aspect of dealing with comparison by emphasizing trust in divine timing. Renée shares:

"Everything with God's timing... you are living as somebody that believes that too."
— Renée [21:07]

Courtney adds that patience is a virtue that fosters contentment and personal growth:

"These things require maintenance as well. So, while you're waiting for another good thing to happen, how about you also steward the good things you already have."
— Courtney [29:17]

Overcoming Instant Gratification

The discussion highlights how the culture of instant gratification fuels the comparison trap, making patience and trust even more crucial. Renée notes:

"We have become addicted to dopamine... it's difficult for us to sit with difficult things."
— Renée [41:25]

Courtney echoes the sentiment, emphasizing the need to savor achievements through gratitude:

"Take some of that time that you're spending focused on social media and go back to God and ask him... You need to be grateful and really sit in this thing that you now have."
— Courtney [28:09]

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Strategies to Overcome the Comparison Trap [48:03 - 55:51]

Celebrating Others to Alleviate Jealousy

The hosts advocate for actively celebrating others’ successes as a strategy to combat jealousy and comparison. Renée advises:

"Sending a message of congratulations, even asking if you can support them, shows empathy and love."
— Renée [54:40]

Courtney adds that celebrating others can prevent negative emotions from festering:

"It is to celebrate... So when you see something and your first thing is, why is it not me? ...One thing that you can do to extinguish it is, I'm gonna turn my whole mood around."
— Courtney [55:50]

Reclaiming Time and Attention

Both hosts emphasize the importance of limiting social media usage to reduce exposure to triggers of comparison. Courtney states:

"Reclaiming your attention is so important. Take some of that time and put it on your own life and realize that somebody else is not the standard for how life goes."
— Courtney [28:09]

Cultivating Gratitude and Contentment

Practicing gratitude helps individuals appreciate their own achievements without measuring them against others. Courtney shares:

"Recurringly remind ourselves... that alone is enough for me to give the rest of my life to you."
— Courtney [46:11]

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Conclusion and Reflective Questions [56:11 - End]

Encouraging Self-Reflection

The episode concludes with a reflective question for listeners to ponder:

"Ask yourself, if nobody knew what I was doing, would I still be proud of the life that I am building?"
— Courtney [56:11]

This question encourages listeners to evaluate whether their self-worth is contingent upon external validation or intrinsic satisfaction.

Final Thoughts

Courtney and Renée wrap up by reiterating the importance of focusing on personal growth and aligning one’s life with genuine values rather than external comparisons. They invite listeners to engage with the podcast community and continue exploring these vital topics.

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Key Takeaways

1. Comparison as a Silent Killer: Subtle and persistent, comparison can deeply affect self-esteem and identity.
2. Impact of Social Media: Curated content often presents an unrealistic standard, fueling feelings of inadequacy.
3. Reciprocal Relationships: Building and maintaining friendships requires mutual effort and clear communication of needs.
4. Trusting Divine Timing: Embracing patience and trusting in a higher plan can foster contentment and personal growth.
5. Active Celebration of Others: Celebrating others' successes can alleviate personal jealousy and strengthen relationships.
6. Gratitude Practice: Regularly acknowledging and appreciating one’s own achievements promotes contentment.
7. Self-Reflection: Evaluating personal pride and happiness independent of external validation is crucial for mental well-being.

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Reflective Question for Listeners: If nobody knew what I was doing, would I still be proud of the life that I am building?
— Use this question to assess whether your self-worth is internally driven or dependent on external affirmation.

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Stay Connected: For more insights and community engagement, follow To My Sisters on all major social media platforms and subscribe to their mailing list at to mysisters.com.

Transcript

[Courtney]

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[Courtney]

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[Renee]

Now sisters, if you've ever felt like our stories, our global black experiences deserve more depth, more nuance, more spotlight, the Long Wave might be just what you've been looking for.

[Courtney]

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[Renee]

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[Courtney]

The silent trap.

[Renee]

Of Comparison Celebrate people how you want to be celebrated.

[Courtney]

Sometimes that is the only way to kill the jealousy and the comparison.

[Renee]

Like the people that get celebrated the most are the people that have invested the most in other people.

[Courtney]

Usually it is to celebrate. Celebration is also a strategy to allow yourself to not be in the pits.

[Renee]

Knowing that these are people that would celebrate me and have celebrated me. The bare minimum is actually let them be in the sunshine. Yeah, it's actually okay.

[Courtney]

You better be in that comment celebrating.

[Renee]

Hello and welcome to the To My Sisters Podcast. I'm Renee.

[Courtney]

And I'm Courtney and we are your online sisters and hosts of the To My Sisters podcast.

[Renee]

Now we're all about promoting the wellness, growth and development of a community of sisters across the world.

[Courtney]

And in today's conversation, we are going to be delving into the silent trap of comparison. Ah, girls, we always have to revisit this conversation from time to time because it gets the best of us. It actually gets to the best of us. Comparison is a tough one, especially navigating it in the age of social media. And we all know the adoles. The age old adage of comparison is a thief of joy.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

However, some of us forget, you know, the Adage can be old. We forget it.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

So let's talk about comparison. And I think a good place to start with this conversation is the how easy it is to fall into comparison because of how much access we have to other people's lives through social media in particular. And I think from a spiritual standpoint as well. We are all, you know, on this growing and growing journey, we are very aware that we shouldn't compare ourselves. We should be content, we shouldn't be jealous and all of these good, noble things. But sometimes it can be hard. So talk to me about the sometimes silent comparison that can crop up into our hearts and into our lives even when we know better.

[Renee]

Yeah, I love that you framed it that way because that's exactly what comparison is. It's quiet, it's silent. And those are often the deadliest killers. They find their, their way in, they get a foot, the foothold in your life, and then all of a sudden you're in too deep and it takes so much power and strain to extricate yourself from that place. And comparison is very, very easy. Easy. It's like a weed that just spreads. And it often speaks to the insecurities that we have in ourselves that we don't feel comfortable yet vocalizing, not just to other people, but sometimes even to ourselves. And it's very, very easy because if you have comparison and all of the associated emotions really does exploit our own insecurities, but also negative self talk. So if you are not the kind of person that is rooted firmly in your affirmations, if you're not rooted firmly and you don't have confidence or low self esteem, even if you're just having an off day, comparison comes in.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I think what's very dangerous about comparison is that it robs you of your identity because it's only somebody that's fully rooted in their identity that doesn't feel threatened by, you know, somebody else's. Right. Somebody else's success. And it's the comparison is a script that we tell ourselves that we're not good enough because somebody else is occupying the spotlight. Yeah, we're not important enough because we're not on the main stage at the moment. But it's perfectly important, valuable and useful to be part of an ensemble cast every now and again. And comparison is also awkward because it forces you to confront that part of yourself. Like it can be in the small things. You know, like someone says a comment about you and your friend and you're like, am I behind? Because, you know, I don't have this quality or whatever. It can be the big stuff where you know, your friends are winning at the moment, but you're experiencing loss after loss after loss. And comparison basically almost forces you, or rather compels you to pit yourself against somebody that should actually be your rock, that should actually be somebody that you know more times, at least in friendships. The problem with things like social media, and I'm really glad that you foregrounded it by talking about the accessibility that we have to all of these different platforms, is it is constant or it can be concert constant if you don't regulate your consumption. Constant. Especially when, you know, a lot of us gravitate towards content initially because we relate to it or we're searching for something, right? No, I'm a 28 year old woman, you know, I'm black, in case you haven't noticed, going through very specific experiences. So I gravitate towards content creators that speak to those experiences. But what happens when those experiences start to divert? What happens when, you know, you're watching somebody that's on the journey of buying a house and you're still saving, but that person has now bought their house. Do you now start to feel some type of way of, oh, I'm a bit behind, I haven't bought my house yet. I started this journey of me trying to save and become more financially expedient for this. But the content creator that I'm watching, that's my age and my stage, it feels like they've gone ahead, they've got, they've got, you know, there's somebody that you've been watching for a really long time, you absolutely adore them, you're single, you're really experiencing and you're really invested in their experiences of singleness. Ah, you've just found out that they're getting married. How do you deal with that? All of a sudden it's, was I missing a step because this person is now married and I'm still single, or you're, you know, waiting on God for a child and this person is really exploring and experiencing what it feels like to desire something, cannot have it. Now this person is pregnant, how do I feel about that? I'm starting to compare myself. And so because we start our journeys with a lot of people that relate to us, it can be tough when it feels like they have started to go off track or off kilter and we can no longer see ourselves in them and in their experiences. And for, for better or for worse, we actually technically shouldn't do that in, in that many of us actually idolize the people around us and the people that we watch, which is why we're so disappointed and why we often find ourselves wanting, because we've idolized this person as the ideal track of what my life should look like, as opposed to simply using this person as inspiration, using this person as affirma, using this as a representation of what could happen. All of a sudden, we have now tuned our entire life towards this one, or rather this collection or subset of people that we have now idolized as the standard. The standard in relationships, the standard in home ownership, the standard in finances. All of a sudden, these people are the standard, but I don't meet the standard. And so we need to. We have a responsibility to guard our hearts. That's what it means. Like when the Bible speaks of us guarding our hearts, it's not just guarding our hearts from other people and their wickedness, but it's guarding our hearts from our own internal wickedness or our susceptibility as human beings, as fleshly like people, to succumb to our fleshly desires or succumb to things that are really beneath us. And that's how easy it is for the enemy to take root. Sometimes the easiest thing for the enemy to do is to take root in your heart.

[Courtney]

And it's the worst thing.

[Renee]

It's the most destructive. It's the most destructive. You become the weapon formed against you. And it's so subtle. You'll be thinking, like, maybe it's just my mindset. Maybe it's just how I am not realizing that it's much more than that. It's a mindset that you actually have to fight and attack on a daily basis. And so comparison, man, unless you're. Comparison doesn't necessarily always have to be a bad thing, but it can lead to bad things if it is left unchecked. And if the people that you are comparing yourself to become your idols. Comparison can sometimes be good because there's a layer of accountability in comparison. Okay, I'm at this age and stage, this is the representation of what people around me are doing. Yeah, I'm inspired by that. Oh, maybe I should, you know, get on my grind. Or maybe I should even use this person as an expert. Maybe I should go and ask this person. You seem to be doing stuff right. How did you do this? Really? Like, I would love support right now. And rather than allowing comparison to take root and then become jealousy, Comparison could very much produce things like inspiration. It can produce things like intimacy and friendships. When you actually come to the person. And you're like, look, actually I would love your support on this particular area. And so it's the silent, but probably one of the most deadliest killers. If it grows and really takes hold in our heart. Because it, like, it literally changes your mind about everything. It changes. All of a sudden, you become. So you scrutinize yourself so much to the point that you're incapable of seeing the things that you actually do have, all of the good things. It. It robs you of your capacity to have gratitude for the things that are actually going well in your life. And so, yeah, comparison, it's a silent killer, but it has one of the most deadliest ramifications if it's left unchecked. And it's. It's to. Because it's an awkward thing to talk about. Nobody wants to say, oh, I'm comparing myself to this individual person, because tutus, now you're actually a hater. Yeah, some of us are actually haters. Or we have had an insecurity that has now blossomed into us becoming a hater. Yeah, yeah, that's what I would say.

[Courtney]

I really enjoy that. I think that's a very good distinction. And I think two things come to mind as well. Like, I think we have too much access to people and too many points that we can compare ourselves to. Like, you just hop on Instagram, give it 2.3 seconds. You have a reason to feel like you're behind in life. Like somebody is. Pregnancy announcement. I feel like we're in a time now where again, it's probably our echo chamber and our corner of the Internet. Yeah, but the girls are getting engaged. We are engaged. We were signal for a very long time. Now we're engaged. We're engaged. Now all the. Also all the other girls are engaged or getting married or having babies and not say we started that as a trend. In fact, we're actually very bright. We are towards the back of the queue.

[Renee]

Yeah, the back of the line, actually.

[Courtney]

Please, please. But, yeah, I think if you maybe you follow us, you probably follow other people as well. Like, if the girls were to connect in the comments about who they follow, you probably follow very similar people. You probably. Even if you look at the guests that we've brought on this podcast, a lot of them have been our friends. We roll around in the same social circ circles or professional circles. We're all going through very similar, you know, life milestones at the moment, from marriage to babies to home ownership to all these different things. If that's the group of people that you follow. And like, you're saying you maybe find yourself around the same age and all of that, you're gonna hop on to the Internet and see milestone after milestone after milestone, you know, because we're at that stage in life. Everyone's getting married, everyone's having kids, everyone's buying properties, or everyone is moving, or everyone's getting promotions, everyone's business. Businesses are taking off. And it's like, okay, but what about me? And you're constantly bombarded because these things are happening at an increased rate till maybe when you were 22 or 21. And so now, as soon as you hop onto social media, there is something that you see that may remind you you're not where you want to be in life. Right. And so I think even now, I think it's even more paramount to really reevaluate your relationship with social media and how often you find yourself on it and how, with what intention you use it as well. Because there is an ability to find yourself falling into comparison very quickly. At any moment. At the smear refresh of a page, you can now find yourself riddled with insecurity because maybe you're single. Maybe, you know, and I think it's also because we're hitting a stage in life where these things seem to matter more, you know, like, these things seem to have more social consequence. Or, okay, maybe you were the girl who was like, no, I'm really enjoying my singleness. But now you're getting closer to 30, and it's like everyone is telling you you should be married by now, or you should be worried more about marriage. You know, and before it was cute, now it's not. And it's like, okay, so now I. Maybe I wasn't even worried before, but now I'm worried because of social commentary. And I think that's what social media unfortunately does. It invites so many different voices, and it invites other people's literal timelines into our lives, and we start to compare our timelines to their timelines. So I think it brings also a conversation around this kind of subtle way that social media and seeing other people's life, the milestones unfold on it, it can subtly tell us that our lives should be moving at a particular pace, at a particular rate, and sometimes our lives don't actually match up to that.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

What do you have to say to that? To the subtle feeling of timelines and time running out that our timelines actually bring into our lives?

[Renee]

I think, firstly, the timelines that we often see from other people are perfectly Curated mom moments. Yeah. And we don't have an understanding of the things that occurred before and after. Right. So take any kind of announcement, I've got a new job. You have no idea what that person probably went through before that. And you probably don't have, depending on the content creator or the person, you probably don't have a lot of context around the things that they're going through in their life. So, yes, they may be celebrating this great moment. And if you were to look at their page, it looks like just a timeline of wins. Yeah, most people are predisposed to show a timeline of their wins and not the timelines of their pitfalls. And so realizing that, okay, this is a little bit distorted, not necessarily intentionally, but most people, well, there's a degree of intentionality in curating those feeds, but it's not necessarily to make people feel a type of way. Most people just post because, hey, this is a good thing that happened to me and I want to share that with the world. Right. And so it is for us to discern, okay, cool, I'm being fair. Information or a timeline that looks pretty, that looks neat, that looks really, really cool and amazing and nice. Not realizing that there may be more to the story. And there are some things for some people that may happen within an instant, and there are some things for other people that may take a really long time to happen. Both are very valid experiences and that's okay. And so normalizing the fact that we're hit with curated feeds, but we don't have the full context. But also it's okay for things to take time. As much as, as you mentioned, I love that you mentioned that. Right. We're getting to the age where these things are mattering more. There are certain, as much as we like, do not like to admit it, and as much as we've made a lot of progress in communities and online in trying to challenge the discourses around the things that are hallmarks of successes and achievements, the constant barrages of successes and achievements will naturally make anyone feel nervous. Because if there's like 10 different wins and you're only hitting one, it's like, oh, maybe I should have run a marathon by now. Maybe I should have been, you know, with my six pack abs and whatnot. It's like, you know, as I eat my pack of Oreos, maybe I should have bought the house by now. Oh, gosh, what was I doing? And I think what also makes me laugh is quite a lot of us, when we do share all of these whims, and whatnot. We're not, like, fully transparent about, like, for example, how long it took. Right? So it's, yeah, okay, this person ran the marathon, but do you know how long it probably took them to get to that place to be able to do that? Or, you know, okay, cool, you have a pregnancy announcement. We don't know if this couple was trying for, like, five, six, seven years to be able to make that a reality. And so not necessarily saying that we should have cast our minds and try and think of, like, the negatives around what people are experiencing, but it's more so understanding that what you are seeing is just a fragment of somebody's timeline. And in the same vein, you are the only one or one of the few people in your vicinity that knows your full timeline. And I think we should also go back and look at some of the receipts of some of the things that we've been able to achieve as well, because I think this whole pace, and I'm really encouraged by the fact that you mentioned pacing, pacing, pacing, and the desire to achieve things in a certain amount of time, or at least the fast pacing of life that we are taught to believe is the standard, means that we never really get time to smell the roses. You have roses in your life, but because you're so focused on the lilies in somebody else's garden, oh, why don't I have lilies left? You're actually neglecting the roses that you do have. Okay, cool. You don't have, you know, maybe the romantic relationship, but you have excellent friends. Not a lot of people have excellent friends. Okay? So you may be waiting upon the friends. For example, like, your. Your friendships are actually a nightmare, okay? But you have a really great family unit. A lot of people are struggling in that instance. And so, yes, you may be waiting for certain things to happen for you, but I think you should also appreciate that you're in a moment in your timeline where there are still good things that you can reflect on that you can be grateful for and things that also require your attention and pruning. These things didn't just happen overnight, and these things require maintenance as well. So, actually, whilst you're waiting on another good thing to happen, how about you also steward the good things you already have as well? And it's often from that place of good stewardship of the things that you have that more things blossom from. It's only the people that are good stewards of money and investing and building their skills that are able to then go on to be a homeowner. It's the people that are good stewards of the relationships they do have that go on to be great partners and go on to find great people to be great partners. So stewarding the things that you actually have in your vicinity, the things that God has actually given you are often the stepping stones to greater in your life. I would also I know it's so cliche to say everything in God's timing and all that kind of stuff that doesn't always fulfill or completely resolve the frustration. And that's a legitimate feeling. I don't want to invalidate anyone's experience of frustration when they're waiting on something that they really want and they're seeing everybody around them get. It's hard. It is hard. But God can deal with that frustration too. 100 and it's okay to bring that frustration to God as well. I think I trust me. I have been champion of I'm feeling a certain type of way. But because of the shame that I have attached to me feeling evil, jealous, inadequate, insecure, even going to the Lord and be like Lord this is the way that I feel it brings to for a level of unbelief that God can handle that. That and a level of unbelief in God's timing for your life. But these are things that you actually need to go back to your creator for to be able to resolve. So take the emotions, take the feelings, take the insecurities, take the. The frustrations. Actually go to God about it. Lay it at. You can lay those things too. It's not just the prayer. And spending time with the Lord is not just about asking him for things or oh God, when is this going to happen? God, I want the this. God, I want this. God is not a genie. He's not a genie. He's a creator, but he's not a genie.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And having in the same way that a healthy father child relationship requires the child to trust that the father knows when best to introduce something into their life. That's how we need to trust in God as well. When you are learning different foods as a kid, as a toddler, whatever are it's our parents that decide. Okay, we're gonna. You're gonna have egg today. You're gonna have. We're gonna try eggs with you today. We're gonna try carrots. We're gonna try all of these kind of things. When it's time to learn how to ride a bike. It is your parents that are the best judge of okay, let's try it without, you know the training wheels or whatnot and see what you can do when it is time for you to make some very big decisions as a kid. You know, where you go to school, when you know, when certain things happen in your life life, you have to trust as a child that your parents know what's best for you. We need to invoke that same relationship with our heavenly Father too. Trusting that, okay, if there's something that hasn't been introduced in my life just yet, I know that God has a plan for me. That's it. I actually know and I'm living, I'm actually living as somebody that believes that too. Because it's one thing to know it in your head, but in your practices it's absent.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

What are you doing in your time of waiting? What are you doing in your time of, you know, seeking? Right. Are you scrolling doom scrolling endlessly looking at the content, looking at the things that you want, or are you actually using your time productively?

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Kids that know that their parents got them, they're out here doing all sorts of nonsense. Like all sorts of nonsense. You see them toddlers, they know that they're gonna, when they are taken to the park, for example, they know that their parents are gonna take them home. They know their parents, parents are going to provide food and shelter and warmth and all of those good stuff. They don't go and start in their own strength trying to find food. I don't know if you've seen, like when children try to eat different things. Some of them be eating grass, mud. They be eating things that are just not good for them. But there is never a hesitation when their parent gives them something, they may hesitate and be like, oh, I don't know if I like that. But they'll eat it.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Because they know that their parents doesn't have, have the intention to harm them. And so we have to also live and practice living a life that demonstrates that we trust God with time.

[Courtney]

Good.

[Renee]

Do you actually, to the point of, okay, God, I know that I have these, what do you call them, intrusive thoughts often I have these frustrations. I'm gonna give you my time. Not just my timeline, but actually my time. How do I live my life today? That is reflected of the fact that I trust you. And you have to do that every day.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Especially if you feel that comparison is really. Think about the time that we spend on social media. We're on that thing every single day, literally. How about we take a portion of that time and actually say, God, yeah, how do I Reclaim my time today.

[Courtney]

That's it.

[Renee]

So that I can pivot my mind and focus on the things that you've called me to today in preparation for the things that you have for me tomorrow according to to your timeline, according to your purposes, according to your will. And so it takes a certain degree of real self searching, but real humility, real humility to say, actually, God, I actually really need you. I need you with these thoughts and these emotions, but I need you so desperately that I actually need you to, I need you to dictate my time, help me to spend my time productively serving you whilst I weight upon you.

[Courtney]

That's so good.

[Renee]

But yeah, that's what I was.

[Courtney]

So good. No, that is so good. I think I completely agree with you. I think it's so easy to feel like you were saying in your earlier points, this person who I'm viewing, this person who I'm following, they are the standard for life. When actually everyone has a very unique path that they are on. And oftentimes it just reveals in us that we feel inadequate, we feel like God has blessed everybody else but us. Everyone is getting what they need, need. Everyone is getting what they want. Everyone else's prayers are being answered. But what about me? What about me? What about me? And I think what you've highlighted in that activity of okay, well take some of that time that you're spending focused on social media and go back to God and ask him, okay, God, what about me? And I'm sure he will also reveal to you the areas in which he is blessing you. And it's not that he's blessing you and not blessing others in this area because I think that's another thing that we do. We say, okay, well she just bought a house, that's, that's fine, whatever, at least I'm renting, I live in a nicer space. Or okay, well, at least I don't have the responsibility of. And yes, everything has pros and cons. Yeah, but it's not reveling in somebody else's cons that will make you happy with your pros. Right? If you have what you have, be content with what you have. Not in spite of what anybody else has and not in comparison to what anybody else has. I think comparison can run both ways. Some of us lead live very comparative lives. On the flip side, which is I think my life is better than everyone else because that person hasn't got this, that person hasn't got that. And that's another, again, that's another trap in itself. To live a life full of comparison that then fuels self righteousness or then fuels pride and ego. Okay, at least I'm the one who's married. At least I'm the one who, who's bought the house. I'm the one of all my friends here. And you start to praise God based on what he has not done for other people, but what he's done for you. That is the worst form of praise. That's the Panina kind of praise. When Panina was out here talking about Hannah, ain't had children, but I have children. What's that got to do? If anything, that's not the kind of praise that God wants either. That's not the kind of praise that God is satisfied with. God doesn't want your, your praise to be lined with pride. He wants you to praise him from a place of genuine humility, which is, lord, you've blessed me and I know I didn't deserve it. I know I didn't earn it. I am grateful for what you've done. You see how all of that, all of those praises have nothing to do with other people and what's happening in other people's lives. It's the same way even with our prayers and even with our laments, we need to be careful how much they are filled with God, you have not done this for me, but you've done this for other people. It's okay. God, you have not done this for me. Me. Is it because you haven't done it for me yet? Is it because I need to align myself with you in some way? All of these prayers focus more on you and your actions. Comparison forces you to bring another person who has nothing to do with your life into the picture. They can do nothing. They cannot be blessed less, they cannot be blessed more. They are on their own path. And you now need to find yourself asking, okay, what do I need to do with my life? And I think that's the part of social media. And to be fair, I've been in a place where I'm like, I'm kind of really tired of being a social media consumer. I'm just like, I, I give it so much less of my time. If you find me using social media, I'm probably on Pinterest or I'm probably exactly because I'm searching for something or I'm on Tick Tock and Tick Tock, my Tick Tock algorithm personally is full of a lot of comedy.

[Renee]

Yeah, it's just fun, just actual.

[Courtney]

If not, not, I'm on Disney plus and Then other things there. Instagram and me, we currently have a bit of beef because it's like every time I go on, it wants to show me something that says, hey, you're living a crap life.

[Renee]

Look at me. You don't have.

[Courtney]

You're living a terrible life, aren't you? You don't have the ste.

[Renee]

Laughing at me, mocking me.

[Courtney]

And I think that's, again, virtue of algorithms. And also just the nature of, like you said, people not necessarily showing off, but just showcasing.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

What it is they have achieved in their life. And for me, I want to go to social media and be inspired. I want to go to social media and feel like, oh, I'm entertained. I want to go and feel like, oh, okay, I've seen something that maybe I didn't know before. I've been educated in something. And so I think reclaiming your attention is so important. And taking some of that time, taking that attention and putting it on your own life and realizing that somebody else is not the standard for how life. Your life goes. But ultimately, you are looking for alignment with God. And I love that you brought up that thing about accepting God's timeline because it is hard.

[Renee]

Hey, sisters, we hope you've been enjoying the conversation so far, but before we continue with all of those juicy tidbits, we have a ding, ding, ding. D. Let's get into it. Hey, sisters. Your podcast has been such a great source of wisdom and comfort. Comfort for me. I would like to extend my deepest gratitude for the work you do and the biggest congratulations for your engagements. Thank you, sister. We love you. I pride myself on the high regard I hold friendship in. As important as friendship is to me, it also is a point of deep pain. I'm super sorry to hear this, girl. Throughout my lifetime, I have always found myself being the friend who carries the weight of her friendships. I am always the one reaching out and putting effort into sustaining those relationships. While I have experienced people showing interest in life updates and such, it often comes only as a result of my initial efforts. Over and above that, I have experienced so much betrayal in my friendships from childhood through. From childhood through to adulthood. Naturally, this has left me in a position where I've had to let go of many friends. But more importantly, wondering why this keeps happening to me. My most recurrent thought is whether I should just let go of it all and just accept that it is unlikely that I will have people choose me as much as I choose them. Sis, first of all, I am so sorry that this has been your experience. And again, not an Uncommon experience for quite a few of the sisters in the sisterhood. It can be extremely disillusioning and really debilitating when it feels like you are the giver or you're the strong friend, or you're the friend. That tends to show up a bit more in a lot of your interactions, platonically. And I just want to say and affirm you of the fact that you are deserving of reciprocal relationships and friendships. You deserve it. Point blank, period. So as much as you may feel like it's time to let go and you've actually just given up, I just want to encourage you and let you know that you are absolutely 100 worthy of having reciprocated friendships and relationships. And it's not too much to ask for at all. You're not doing too much. This is a standard and a bare minimum that I would encourage you to continue to have. What's also beautiful is you have recognized your need for reciprocity, which means that you can now enact this in the relationships that you have. Especially as we have, you know, grown up and we hurtle further and further into adulthood, it can sometimes feel like sustaining life. Giving lifelong and healthy relationships is even more tricky. And especially when you're used to being disappointed in friendships, it's very easy for you to transcribe a lot of those experiences onto your new experiences, your future experiences. I think what some of these experiences have taught you is that it's important to be upfront about some of your needs. Now, I don't know how much you've expressed some of your needs in your friendships, and I don't know how much you have given the opportunity to the people around you to show up for you. But one thing that I would very much encourage is actually doing a mapping of what you need in your friendships to thrive. It sounds like you're given a lot of love in the way that you love to receive love. It sounds like you're very much naturally a giver. You're naturally somebody that goes the extra mile. Smile. So I would very much encourage you to note that down for yourself. You're the kind of person that loves reciprocity. You're the kind of person that loves being loved in this particular way. And you more than match the effort. So note some of these things down and hold them in high regard. When you are interacting with new people, or even child, maybe even interacting with old people, depending on how some of these relationships may have ended or depending on how they have closed, I would definitely encourage you to take your time as well. I know that getting hurt by friends can. Oh, it is. It's deep and it cuts deep. So sis, take your time when it comes to cultivating and building those relationships. And I think you also mentioned in your dilemma about the fact that reciprocity or at least the energy that you want from friendships doesn't seem to sustain itself beyond the initial interactions. I think that's also something that's really important to bring up up in articulating your needs in your friendships. I need this to be a relationship that is sustained by both me and the other person in question. And being as upfront as and being as upfront as possible with that will help you so much into the future. Now sis, sending you lots and lots and lots of love. I know that it's definitely not easy, but I would very much encourage you to, you know, really think about how you can enact some of those new needs needs or rather the recognized needs that you have in friendship. And also don't be afraid to put up boundaries as well. Again, you sound like someone that's a natural giver and someone that loves to reciprocate. But it's also okay to put up some boundaries as well. You don't always have to be the person that is going the extra mile. You don't have to be the only person that is putting energy and effort. And sometimes it's important to put some boundaries up so that you can revitalize and invest in yourself off so Sending so much love Sis and sisters, if you're watching this, we would love to hear your thoughts as well as some encouragement for our sister in crisis. But sending you so much love on your journey into thriving, healthy relationships. This and we love you dearly. But now back to the episode.

[Courtney]

It is hard, but oftentimes God is either withholding something from you or blessing you with something to produce something in you. He's not just withholding it so that you can be the mockery of your town or so that your family can look at you and be like, oh wow, look, here comes failure again. He's not doing that. Black sheep of the you know, God is not doing that. God is producing something in you. He may be making you somebody who no longer is in the snare of people's opinions. Maybe that's why God has withheld your stuff for you, cuz he knows as soon as you get that blessing, you're going to be so affirmed by people's affirmations that it's going to become an idol to you. Right? Everyone else being like oh well done, well done, well done is going to get get to your head. And so God is like I don't want her to fall into the sin of pride. So no, I'm not going to give her this thing. Or maybe God has given you this, this, this blessing in your life cuz he wants to prune you. You're here, you know everyone is jealous of you. These type, you know, everyone is here jealous of you. These times you're at home thinking how am I going to survive? You know, I prayed to God for a house, now I have it, now I got to pay the mortgage and this is even an act of faith. Roof and people instead are now sending your picture to people's WhatsApp groups. Beloved, I don't even know how I'm gonna pay for this house.

[Renee]

You even find yourself on Pinterest.

[Courtney]

Do you get what I mean? Like I everyone is going through their own hi, it's Courtney and Renee from the To My Sisters podcast and this episode is sponsored by the Long Wave, a free weekly newsletter from the Guardian.

[Renee]

Now Sisters, if you've ever felt like our stories, our global black experiences deserve more depth, more nuance, more spotlight, the Long Wave might be just what you've been looking for.

[Courtney]

Written by Guardian columnist Nezreen Malik and edited by Jason Okundaye, this newsletter brings you rich reporting, fresh commentary and powerful features from across Africa, the us, the uk, the Caribbean and beyond. Whether it's music, politics, business or beauty, it's a space where our culture, our voices and our realities are thoughtfully explored and conversations which are often limited to social media and WhatsApp groups are amplified.

[Renee]

If you love the conversations we have here, on To My Sisters. We think you'll love what the Long Wave is building too. Sign up to the Long Wave for [e-mail] TheLongWave25.

[Courtney]

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[Renee]

Right people by industry, job title and more.

[Courtney]

We'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Get started today at LinkedIn.com results, terms and conditions apply. Their own sanctification process with every blessing that they have obtained.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And so. Or for every, with, with every blessing they have not obtained yet or have not been given yet. And also I think even that language of obtaining, sometimes the things that we desire are not as a result of our own effort and we think they are. And that's why we begin to compare. That's why we start to think, oh, this person has obtained marriage. So I must not be running fast enough, I must not be beautiful enough, I must not be doing enough work, work to make my life a receptor of this blessing. Forgetting that there are some blessings that only come from God in his own time. And so no matter how hard you work for it, you probably aren't going to get it because it's not something that is rooted in your efforts. And it's also not something that you should think, oh, how can I be more like this person? In order to get what it is that they have. Because that person maybe didn't get the blessing because of who they are. And if they did get the blessing out of their own works, that's not a blessing that you want, want. That's not a divine blessing, anything that anyone gets out of their own works. And when I'm talking about works, I'm not talking about hard work, I'm talking about like fleshly work. It's not something that will probably last because it's not something sustained by God. God doesn't sustain any man made idol. He lets it fend for itself. And so if you, you know, did everything, you bought all the ten step courses, you watched all the videos and you've made yourself a high value woman to get a marriage, you're now sustaining that marriage on your own if God was not at the center of that pursuit. And so you can be comparing yourself to that woman's timeline, forgetting that God is not at the center of what she's doing. And so ultimately what do you want? Do you want the trophy and the blessing or do you want the one who gives the blessing? If you want the one that gives the blessing, pursue him above the blessing and you'll get everything that you need. The Word says that seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all things, all these things shall be added on to you. That these things is the provision that you need. But when it tells you to seek his kingdom, it's to seek the kings. Seek what he is telling you to do and seek his righteousness. Seek the way he does things. Don't just do things out of your own knowledge. Do things the way that God does things. Do things with God's timing, do things with God's mind. And I'm not saying this to be hyper religious, I'm saying this to say this is the only key to contentment. When you realize that you don't want your life to be a curation of your own fleshly efforts, you want your life to be a testament of God's goodness and his faithfulness to you. And so you're going to apply, tie yourself faithfully to doing life with Him. And sometimes that looks like being patient, sometimes that looks like doing the lamenting, but still taking all of those awkward feelings back to God and being like, hey, I don't want to take these feelings in comparison to somewhere else. I don't want to take them to my social media feed. I don't want to take them to my friendship route. I need to bring them to your feet. Because if I take them anywhere else, it's going to become envy, it's going to be strife, it's going to become me striving to make my life what I want it to be. And I don't want to be outside of your will. I don't want to be outside of faith to you. So I'm bringing these comparisons to you for you to tell me, why have you not given me what I want yet? And God will begin to reveal to you a whole bunch of stuff. And I genuinely think contentment is something that we struggle with in, in our time. But why do you think that is? Why do you think we struggle to be content?

[Renee]

A number of different reasons. I think the first thing that comes to mind for me though is, is we've become too comfortable with getting what we want and getting what we want immediately. This is the generation of instant gratification. I want what I want, but I want it now. And when you've grown up in a culture, I think it's become worse and more pervasive with every generation. When things are suddenly accessible to you without process, when things are suddenly and immediately available without you having to do any kind of. Of strife or perseverance to get the thing, the thing then loses its value. Once you have it. So how many of us are seeing people, you know, striving towards relationships, getting into relationships and then disposing of them? How many people are we seeing, you know, getting to the upper echelons of wealth and still doing very perverse things because their fulfillment doesn't come from the wealth that they thought that it would in the. In the way that they thought that it would. And because we have become comfortable and a lot of our value is in obtaining things that make us feel good. We've become a generation that's become numb to taking our time with anything. Everything has to be now. We've become a. We've become addicted to dopamine. We've become addicted to the hit, the rush of getting what we want, whatever it may be. And because of the idol of convenience, it is now very, very difficult for us to sit with difficult things. It's difficult for us to, even as you're saying, reclaiming our attention spans, many of us can't even sit still. We can't meditate, we can't think, we can't ponder. We can't have conversations that last a specific length of time because our attention spans are dropping faster and faster because we are constantly feeding our need for more instant gratification through social media. Yeah, we're becoming addicted to these cycles and book and. And when you are so addicted to instant gratification, when you're told no more times, it's not even being told no. When you're told not now, it feels like a no. And that's how a lot of us spiral. Yeah, we've actually become. We've become spoiled kids, man. We've actually become spoiled kids. I think one of the greatest signs of maturity is being able to win weight. It's being able to exercise the gift and the grace of patience. Patience is something that actually needs to be exercised. And I love that you mentioned that. You know, for a lot of us, the withholding of certain things might actually speak to the fact that God is working that skill in us, that discipline of patience, that. That gift of patience. So I think that's what makes it really, really hard for our generation. We are, are. We are the generation of right now. We want it now. We want it now with no responsibility. We want it now with no process. We want it now with no pruning, no character development, nothing. When I think about, you know, anything that happened in the olden days, you had to wait to be able to do anything. When I think of, for example, even the battles or wars that were fought. Those things took years. I know. Like whenever we look at battles in the Bible, for example, or if we look at historical battles, people think these things happened in one day.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

These things happened over series of days or months or years. Think about how long it took for people, even when we think of the world wars, those happened over a span of years. To win a world war took years. And we can't even wait a couple of months, a couple of days even for certain things in our lives to manifest. We are. And this is what causes a lot of us to fall victim to predators because of our desire for the right now. That makes you so easy to be deceived.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I think that's what the enemy exploits. It's our desire to have things now. And it's the subversion of God's timing. It's that I can give you what you want right now. I can give it to you right now. And so we need to learn how to wait again. Like we actually need to wait. And I think it actually starts with waiting on God, waiting on the Lord. Even when I think of child, it's a whole nother conversation. But when I think of abuses or when I think of some of the challenges that we face in church, a lot of it is because instant gratification. We want to hear things that satisfy our flesh. We want to gain things that satisfy our flesh. Which is why we're seeing the rise of things like prosperity, prosperity gospel. Which is why we're seeing the rest of just certain behaviors and things from the culture that is pervading the church. It's because it's speaking to our fleshly desire of we want things now.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And so we need to exercise in faith. Waiting, like pausing, stopping. Like, what does it feel like to experience the discipline of. I'm going to long for this. I'm going to hold. You know, I know in some of our previous episodes we've spoken about like instant gratification addiction. And I would definitely recommend any of the sisters that are either new or child, just go back and listen. But we've literally become addicted. We're bound to our desire for right now. And that's really preventing that causes comparison. Because somebody's right now is. Might not be your now. It's not your now, child. If this came now, it might actually destroy you. And recognizing that there is. There is power in patience. There's actually power in patience. There's a reason why you're waiting for this to happen. For some people, it's healing. You can't move forward with a certain thing until this part of you is healed or this thing has been resolved. Think about a wound, for example. There's a reason why when you break your leg or you experience any kind of trauma, the doctor says, wait, give it six weeks, give it six months or whatever it is before you try that leg again, before you move on and you know, go about with your, your daily life. Maybe part of your waiting season is an opportunity for you to heal, heal, to overcome trauma, to uproot, to spend some time actually doing the root work that you otherwise wouldn't have time to do. And so I think it's the, it's the rediscovering the power of patience for a lot of us and exercising it, saying no to our desires, trying to say, okay, cool, I'm not going to be on social media if it's that, trying to say, okay, I'm not going to force myself into a relationship just because I want to feel for fulfilled. Yeah, just say no right now and exercise the power of patience.

[Courtney]

That's good. That's so good. That is so good. I think the only thing I'll add to that is also being a generation that loves more. Like always wanting more and also having easy access, accessibility to more. We don't really have to wait to get more of what we already have. We can just order another thing or watch some more or things. It's even becoming automated now, getting more, more, you know, recurring subscriptions or even something as small as when you're watching a series and you don't even have to wait week for week for week for each episode. Not only can you binge it, it will queue it up for you. The next episode is going to play in 10 seconds. It's literally loading for you. So you can have more easily now. And I think it's made us not really know when to say enough is enough. And also not having how to it doesn't help us to savor what we already have as well. And I think a huge thing that helps you savor things is gratitude. Yeah, like, okay, this milestone has happened for me in my life. I'm really going to take time to praise God about and I'm not going to easily forget like how many of us can work really, really hard for a promotion. And as soon as we get the promotion, it only takes a couple of days for the novelty and the joy, joy of such a breakthrough to actually wear off for us. Because obviously now we have responsibility. Now we have to do the work, but we don't praise enough to remind ourselves, like, hey, you need to be grateful and really sit in this thing that you now have, because this is what you prayed for. This is what you always wanted, and those breakthroughs should be praised. I love that you were describing, like, wars. Wars happened, you know, for years and years and years in the Bible. But also people would be reminding themselves for years and years and years of the faithfulness of God for war one instance 100 years ago, and they're still praising about it. You know, they're still doing Passover. Jewish people are still doing. Why? Because that thing that happened, we don't want to forget that. And we so easily forget what has been done for us. But actually, we need to recurringly remind ourselves of even if God was not to do another thing, I'm so grateful he did that. That alone has proven his faithfulness in my life. Like, sometimes I need to sit down and I. I remind myself of, like, my testimony and where I was when I gave my life to Christ. And that alone just reminds me that God, even if you do, you do not do another thing for me. The fact that you got me out of that situation 10 years ago. You turned my life around from where my head was at, my heart was at, my home was at. That alone is enough for me to give the rest of my life to you. You don't need to do another thing if you do. Absolutely amazing. But that is enough for me to praise you. But if you lose sight of that, if you forget that, you'll never have that contentment. Yeah, you'll never have that contentment. And I think the last thing that I wanted to touch on in this app is allowing yourself to celebrate other people, even when you're not in your season of celebration, and allowing yourself to see other people winning and clap, even when it feels like your corner is a bit quiet. Right. So how do you go about. About clapping for others whilst waiting for your own?

[Renee]

No, that's. That's really great. I'm gonna keep it brief. Everyone needs an ensemble cast, and we have. Unfortunately. Unfortunately, we believe that we must be the main character for everything. And it's understandable, given the nature of our community, society, all that kind of stuff. Everything is about self, self, self. Everybody needs an ensemble cast, and. And especially for those that you are close to. It's a beautiful thing to be invested in someone's journey and see the fruits of it. And so recognizing that your role is not just somebody that is main, main, you know, center stage, but also part of the ensemble cast and the best actors or the people that are like, literally, you know, world class at their craft, know this. They are versatile. They know that you are, are good at what you do. When you can take up multiple roles and embracing the fact that it's a beautiful thing to not have the spotlight on you and that the people around you that are doing well, the people even online that are doing well, are sharing this. Not necessarily in bad faith, but actually in good faith. And it's a beautiful thing to celebrate people. And so it may look like, you know, it's small doses as well. I think. I think you have to discern where you're at in terms of how much you can celebrate because for some people, they'll see that kind of stuff and be triggered like they're going for a really rough time in their life. But for those of you that can, you know, withstand or you can overcome that trigger, even sending a message of congratulations, even sending a message of what do you need? Is there any way that I can support you? Showing empathy and love and also imagining if you know, that was you, you celebrate people how you want to be celebrated. It starts with you. People only celebrate like the people that get celebrated the most are the people that have invested the most in other people. Usually, right? Like, there's nothing like I see some of my, like, favorite content creators or even my friends and the reason I can celebrate them is because I know a the sacrifice that they've put in to get to that place. I was invested in their journey and enough to be like, I know you are waiting for this and it's a beautiful thing. But then also knowing that these are people that would celebrate me and have celebrated me, the bare minimum is actually let them be in the sunshine. It's actually okay. So getting used to stepping off the podium and empowering other people, it's a practice as well. It's not just a theory. You actually have to go out of your way to do that. Inconvenience yourself to celebrate people, that's good. Inconvenience yourself. And it's in celebrating other people that genuinely that love that you can have for them, that intimacy really does surge. And I think it's knowing that life comes in ebbs and flows. This is somebody's memory, this is somebody's compact experience. And heaven forbid their experience is marred by your insecurities. So really it is not about you. It really is this. The level of like death to self that it requires can be quite tough, especially if you are, are again dealing with your own insecurities. But really it is about putting your desires aside for a moment and seeing the person for what it is. They've done something amazing and they deserve to be celebrated. Nothing more, nothing less. Yeah. How about you?

[Courtney]

So good. I think I'll just add, like, everything you said is spot on. I think I'll just add that, like, sometimes that is the only way to kill the jealousy and the. The comparison or the envy that might be coming up in you. It is to celebrate. Celebration is also a strategy to allow yourself to not be in the pits of that trap. Right. Because it. It climbs up on any of us. You know, and sometimes it's no checking yourself real quick. You better be in that comment celebrating. You better be messaging this person. I am so proud of you. And I'm not saying that you should over index, but it's a way to tell your own soul. This is not something to be downcast over. This is something to speak in celebration over. Not just for them, but also so that I do not get caught in that trap. Because if you see something and your first thing is, why is it not me? And you scroll past, that thing has not been extinguished. That thing is still in your heart. That thing can still grow and fester. One thing that you can do to extinguish it is, I'm gonna turn my whole mood around. I am so happy that it's you. I am so happy that this is happening. This is a reason for all of us to celebrate. And then I'mma go about my merry day.

[Renee]

Keep it stepping.

[Courtney]

I will go about. And sometimes you do need to over index for your own self. I am so happy for you. I am so happy that this is happening. And that's it. And then disengage. If you need to put your phone down, put your phone down and go and process whatever's happening in your own heart. And oftentimes it has nothing to do with the person.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

It has everything to do with what you feel like is lacking from your life.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And now you begin to do that self work. Now you begin to grow in that area. But do not allow it to end with, I don't like this because of how it makes me feel. And move past that. Don't let that seed just lay there because it will be watered by something else. Next time you open your phone, it's another picture that will come up that will trigger you even more. Exactly. It will trigger you even more. And next thing you know, you're one bitter betting. And you don't want that.

[Renee]

You don't want that.

[Courtney]

You don't want that. Well, we hope that you've enjoyed this conversation, sis. Let us know what your thoughts are on comparison. It's something that comes up all the time. So sis, we hope you enjoyed this episode and it was a timely reminder of the fact that you shouldn't be comparing yourself to anyone that you see online. No one is the benchmark for your life. But if you want to take this episode a step further, here is a reflective question for you to ponder on throughout the week. Ask yourself, if nobody knew what I was doing, would I still be proud of the life that I am building? And the reason why this is this week's reflective question is we often can allow ourselves to be so motivated by other people's validation and other people's celebration of us that we allow that to shape the goals that we pursue. And we can sometimes feel as though our life is only worth celebrating and we can only feel pride around the things that we've achieved. If it is something that goes on display and people will be super proud of for us and will think, wow, she really did that. But if no one was to say, wow, she really did that, would you still be happy? Would you still feel proud? And this doesn't mean that you don't need to be celebrated, but what it means is you're living for the audience radiance of God and living for the joy of yourself versus living for other people's affirmation and other people's celebration of you. And so if you find yourself living life, or maybe you're not living the life that you want to because it feels like other people won't celebrate that, you need to really start questioning whether you're allowing comparison to hold you hostage. Honestly, sis, your life is for living. And so ask yourself, if the cameras were off and the phones were down and social media did not exist, would you be happy with the life that you are living? And if the answer is yes, that's great. If it's no, we have some deeper soul searching to do. So go away with that question and do with it as you will ask your girl pals, why not ask your friends? But if you want to stay in the loop of the podcast, make sure that you signed up to our mailing list over on our website to my sisters.com to just know when we're running events, running activities, and doing some more things in the sisterhood. And if you want to stay in the loop of our social media, see extra bonus content from us then you should follow us at to my Sisterhood literally everywhere on every platform and you can follow us individually, you can follow my bestie Enee Kapuku and you can follow me dwarting to see the behind the scenes of our glowing and growing journeys and how it plays out in real time. And so sisters, we love you very deeply and very dearly. We cannot wait to talk to you in our next episode and as always, keep glowing and growing. Hi, I'm Adam Grant, host of the podcast Work Life. For over 20 years, Paylocity has been simplifying work with innovative solutions that teams love like on demand payments payment which offers employees access to wages prior to payday, flexible time tracking features which enable staff to clock in and out through their mobile device and numerous other cutting edge solutions that simplify collaboration across hr, finance and it. Learn more about how Paylocity can help streamline work and enhance business outcomes for your [e-mail] Simplified.