Why You Still Feel Alone: Loneliness in the Age of Hyperconnectivity & Social Media

Summary

Podcast Summary: "To My Sisters" - Episode: Why You Still Feel Alone: Loneliness in the Age of Hyperconnectivity & Social Media

Podcast Information:

• Title: To My Sisters
• Hosts: Courtney Daniella Boateng & Renée Kapuku
• Description: An online sisterhood podcast promoting holistic wellness, growth, and development within a global community of women.
• Episode Title: Why You Still Feel Alone: Loneliness in the Age of Hyperconnectivity & Social Media
• Release Date: May 18, 2025

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Introduction

In this compelling episode, hosts Courtney Daniella Boateng and Renée Kapuku delve into the pervasive issue of loneliness despite living in an era marked by unprecedented connectivity through social media and digital platforms. They explore the sociological underpinnings of this paradox and offer insightful perspectives on fostering genuine connections.

The Paradox of Hyperconnectivity

Renee opens the discussion by highlighting the incongruity between our constant online interactions and the persistent feeling of loneliness many women experience today:

“We are seeing the Instagram reels and stories, the TikToks, we're seeing the WhatsApp status updates and all of that kind of good stuff. And yet we are still feeling the burn of loneliness.” ([02:40])

Courtney echoes this sentiment by emphasizing that loneliness isn't about the number of people around us but the quality of those relationships:

“Loneliness is not the absence of people, it's the absence of people who will love you.” ([03:31])

Decline of Community and Need for Intimacy

The hosts discuss the decline of traditional communities and how modern connections often lack the depth required to alleviate loneliness. Courtney mentions:

“As much as we are connected, we are seeing a decline in community.” ([03:31])

They argue that true community is rooted in communing—being physically present and emotionally engaged with one another, which is often missing in online interactions.

Social Media vs. Real Relationships

Renee critiques the superficial nature of social media relationships, likening them to a surveillance state where one can view others' lives without truly understanding their struggles:

“Social media has allowed us to keep up with, not just everyone else, but also friends, for example, that live long distances away... But because you see somebody doesn't mean that you're in relationship with them.” ([06:33])

Courtney further illustrates this with an analogy comparing online friendships to transient Twitter connections:

“It doesn't translate. You can be my Twitter friend, but you're not my real friend.” ([07:11])

Challenges in Cultivating Friendships in Adulthood

The conversation shifts to the specific difficulties women face in forming deep, lifelong friendships as adults. Courtney identifies time constraints and the intentionality required to build such relationships:

“Cultivating deep friendships... requires a level of intentionality which takes quite a bit of time.” ([13:14])

Renee adds that high expectations and the lack of grace in adult friendships contribute to feelings of isolation:

“Our expectations of friendship and wanting people to show up for us... can be very high.” ([19:09])

Competition Among Women

A significant barrier discussed is the ingrained belief that women view each other as competition, leading to suspicion and reluctance to form friendships. Courtney passionately addresses this:

“You are not the only good woman that exists. Relax, relax. You will find someone who loves you.” ([16:04])

She challenges the narrative that women are inherently jealous or competitive, urging a shift towards mutual support.

Listener's Dilemma and Hosts' Advice

The episode features a heartfelt listener question from a 21-year-old South African woman grappling with loneliness and unfulfilling relationships. Renee offers compassionate and practical advice:

“Congratulations on your graduation... It's completely normal to feel isolated during this transition.” ([29:30])

Key advice includes celebrating personal milestones, rekindling old friendships, pursuing new connections based on shared interests, and cultivating a positive relationship with oneself.

Strategies to Combat Loneliness

The hosts propose actionable strategies to build meaningful connections:

1. Prayer and Spirituality: Courtney encourages listeners to seek divine support in their quest for friendships:

   “If you are someone who prays... God cares about your circles, too.” ([40:43])

2. Putting Yourself Out There: Both hosts emphasize the importance of actively seeking out social opportunities:

   “No one is going to become your friend if you're just chilling in the house every day.” ([42:13])

3. Vulnerability: Sharing personal struggles and opening up emotionally to others can foster deeper bonds:

   “Share something vulnerable about yourself.” ([29:52])

4. Intentional Pursuit: Engaging in activities and communities that align with one's interests to meet like-minded individuals:

   “Find yourself in spaces which you like, first of all, and then you'll find women who like it, too.” ([42:17])

Inspirational Conclusion

Wrapping up the episode, Courtney delivers a powerful message of hope and community:

“You were not made to do life alone... Loneliness kills.” ([47:40])

Both hosts urge listeners to engage in reflective exercises, such as evaluating the depth of their current friendships and reaching out to potential new friends with openness and vulnerability.

They also highlight upcoming events and encourage listeners to join their sisterhood community for continued support and connection.

Reflective Exercise and Call to Action

To reinforce the episode's themes, Courtney and Renée present a reflective question and an actionable activity:

• Reflective Question: Do you feel deeply known and supported in your friendships?

• Activity: Reach out to a woman in your circle, express a desire to connect, and share something vulnerable to foster a deeper relationship.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Courtney [03:31]: “Loneliness is not the absence of people, it's the absence of people who will love you.”

• Renee [06:33]: “Social media has allowed us to keep up with... but because you see somebody doesn't mean that you're in relationship with them.”

• Courtney [16:04]: “You are not the only good woman that exists. Relax, relax. You will find someone who loves you.”

• Courtney [29:30]: “No one is going to become your friend if you're just chilling in the house every day.”

Closing Thoughts

"To My Sisters" masterfully addresses the intricate dynamics of loneliness in a digitally connected world, offering both critical analysis and uplifting solutions. Courtney and Renée empower their listeners to seek authentic connections, challenge societal narratives, and embrace vulnerability as pathways to overcoming loneliness.

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Join the Conversation: For those inspired by this episode, Courtney and Renée invite you to join their sisterhood events and engage with a community dedicated to genuine female friendship and support. Visit ToMySisters.com to learn more and connect with like-minded women across the globe.

Transcript

[Courtney]

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[Renee]

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[Courtney]

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[Renee]

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[Courtney]

Hi, it's Courtney and Renee from the To My Sisters Podcast and this episode is sponsored by the Long Wave, a free weekly newsletter from the Guardian.

[Renee]

Now, sisters, if you've ever felt like our stories, our global black experiences deserve more depth, more nuance, more spotlight, the Long Wave might be just what you've been looking for.

[Courtney]

Written by Guardian columnist Nezreen Malik and edited by Jason Okundaye, this newsletter brings you rich reporting, fresh commentary and powerful features from across Africa, the US the uk, the Caribbean and beyond. Whether it's music, politics, business or beauty, it's a space where our culture, our voices and our realities are thoughtfully explored and conversations, which are often limited to social media and WhatsApp groups, are amplified.

[Renee]

If you love the conversations we have here, on To My Sisters. We think you'll love what the Long Wave is building too. Sign up to the Long Wave for free at theguardian.com forward/thelongwave25 we are going to be talking about loneliness in the age of Hyper Connectivity.

[Courtney]

God cares about your circles too.

[Renee]

Certain blessings or certain things that will only come about through our proximity to people.

[Courtney]

I really want some friends.

[Renee]

You know, when it comes to dating, guys never seem to stick around. We rarely make it past the talking stage and those who do mostly just want something physical.

[Courtney]

To My Sisters, you were not made to do life alone. I know sometimes it feels like that's more convenient and you're less predisposed to pain, but honestly, life is so much more beautiful when you do it with people who actually love you. Hello and welcome to the two My Sisters Podcast. I'm Courtney.

[Renee]

And I'm Renee and we are your online sisters and hosts of the 2 My Sisters podcast.

[Courtney]

We are all about promoting the wellness, growth and development of a community to your sisters around the world.

[Renee]

And in today's podcast episode, we are going to be talking about loneliness in the age of Hyper Connectivity. Why are the ladies and the girlies still feeling lonely?

[Courtney]

Let's get sociological.

[Renee]

Let's get I see you brought your glasses. Just said today we're going to get down and dirty on the sociology. So this is a brilliant question. I feel especially especially because as the Title suggests we are in an age of hyper connectivity now more than ever before. We are clued up on strangers lives as well as our own friends lives. We are seeing the Instagram reels and stories, the tick tocks, we're seeing the WhatsApp status updates and all of that kind of good stuff. And yet we are still feeling the burn of loneliness. We are still feeling isolated. And actually I believe like loneliness is on the rise. So courts, what is going on? Why is it and how is it that we as women can feel so connected to each other and yet simultaneously disconnected and still feeling quite lonely?

[Courtney]

Such a great question. You know what, I think somebody recently said this quote, I don't know if I said this on here or not, but that loneliness is not the absence of people, it's the absence of people who will love you. Well, yeah, and I think that that's like, it really deeply resonated with why people feel so lonely nowadays. I don't think we. It's that we don't have people. I think we have people around us. I think we have access to people. And as you were saying, like social media can often give us the guise of being connected, but I don't think we have people who actually love us well or people who we can call on in times of need or people who we truly feel like we have intimate, deep relationships with who will show up us. And I think as much as we are connected, we are seeing a decline in community. And like, I think a lot of people, including ourselves and other amazing organizations, are doing a lot of work to promote community again. Yeah. And be like, you know what, we don't just need connection, we need community. And community is rooted in communing. Like, you need to be with each other. There needs to be a, a. How do you explain communing? Like, how do you like gathering? Gathering or being in each other's practice, present fellowship. Fellowship or like just, just being around each other, doing things with each other. Like, we're not just interacting with each other's posts, we're checking in on each other, we're calling, we're speaking on the phone, we're going out, we're coming to each other's homes, we're showing up when someone's sick. And it's not just I see you at Christmas, birthdays and all of that stuff, it's I'm in your life. You know, we're doing life together. And I think a lot of us are facing loneliness because we are connected, but we're not communing. Yeah, I love you.

[Renee]

I think that you've said it perfectly. Right. It's that lack of depth in that, the connections that we have with people. It almost feels like we're living in a surveillance town, right. Where we can know what people are doing, but we don't know what people are going through. And I think for any meaningful relationship to work, I think there is. It really does necessitate, you know, knowing people, but also knowing what they're going through. What does the journey behind the pictures and the carousels and the reels look like as much as it's n to have access to the pretty edited reels and the stories of the day to day? What about what people don't show? Right. Like, what does life look like when it's not in front of a camera? Right. And I think as much as it's beautiful to be able to connect with people, I think social media has allowed us to keep up with, you know, not just everyone else, but also friends, for example, that live long distances away. You know, I think it's not necessarily just been a negative thing, but I do think that a lot of us are. Are forfeiting connection, and we are forfeiting what you were saying around communion because we are seeing surveillance as proxy for relationships. Just because you see somebody doesn't mean that you're in relationship with them.

[Courtney]

That's good.

[Renee]

And as much as a lot of us, I remember back in the day when Twitter X was popping and people would be like, oh, yeah, my Twitter friends. You know what I'm saying? It's all about me and my Twitter friends. But one thing about Twitter friends is they're going to leave you in the dust when. When it gets hot online. And we've seen it, we've seen people trashed by the same people that profess to be their friends. That must mean that there's something about being online in which friendship, the code of friendship, just does not translate. It doesn't translate. You can be my Twitter friend, but you're not my real friend. In the same way, you can be a Twitter hater, but you're not a real hater like Kendrick Lamar. That level of hating that's real hate that is in real life.

[Courtney]

That is hilarious. I don't think Kendrick is a hater.

[Renee]

Do you know what?

[Courtney]

I don't think he's a hater at all.

[Renee]

Do you know what? I think he's a troll.

[Courtney]

I don't even know if he's that. I think he's calling it for what it Is. You guys know I've never really liked music.

[Renee]

No. But the dedication, though.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

The commitment.

[Courtney]

I personally think this is the perfect David and Goliath story. And genuinely, I love to see the victory. Yeah. You know, I've never seen somebody take something such a. Excellent approach.

[Renee]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Courtney]

To coming back at somebody.

[Renee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Courtney]

But also willing. Winning to this degree. Do you know he's like the fourth most streamed rapper ever.

[Renee]

Sometimes you just got to swallow your L. The only thing is that L is really rather large all off at this track.

[Courtney]

Can you imagine being the person. Sorry, we're taking this on a tangent. This is a lesson for the masses. Imagine you take a shot at somebody and the shot they return back not only annihilates you, it builds a kingdom.

[Renee]

It's got friends and family. Ecosystems. Ecosystems.

[Courtney]

And that's what Kendrick's done.

[Renee]

They not like us.

[Courtney]

They not like us.

[Renee]

Oh, Lord. It's even grown wings, some of them. They've started flying.

[Courtney]

I like, genuinely, I do wonder, like, can Aubrey Graham ever show his face again?

[Renee]

Not the government name said that he has to change his name to Drake.

[Courtney]

Aubrey, are you okay, baby?

[Renee]

Just check.

[Courtney]

Can he ever make another song without it becoming about Kendrick Lamar? That's it. No, no Super Bowl.

[Renee]

Oh, Grammys.

[Courtney]

Serena.

[Renee]

It's as well. Aubrey. We're. We're praying for all people involved. We take no sides, guys. We take no sides. I do. She said the side of justice.

[Courtney]

I have the side of justice.

[Renee]

But I think that's the perfect illustration of the difference between online and real life. Yeah, we even talk about off quite, quite often. Right. There's a lot of people that will run their mouth online, but if you see them in person, catch them outside.

[Courtney]

Nothing.

[Renee]

You ain't got nothing for me. In fact, it's often the people that ain't got nothing to say in person that have all the things to say online.

[Courtney]

Twitter fingers.

[Renee]

And there is a distinction between your online friends or your online associates and the people that you see in real life. I think we really started to see this with.

[Courtney]

Sorry, Twitter fingers. Was that also a diss to Drake from Meek Mill?

[Renee]

I don't know.

[Courtney]

What's that about Drake? Sorry. I'll search one day.

[Renee]

Yeah, we'll come back. We'll come back.

[Courtney]

I need to find that out.

[Renee]

I'm screaming. It's the fact, you know, Intrusive thoughts.

[Courtney]

Actually, wait. Yeah. Because if it is, Drake's been receiving a lot of. A lot of heat from.

[Renee]

No, Kendrick has not liked this, man.

[Courtney]

I know it's it's really what makes this even triumphant.

[Renee]

The commitment is quite serious.

[Courtney]

All you have to do is bide your time.

[Renee]

We need to do an episode Lessons on hating TR in real life. It's not.

[Courtney]

No. But I did end up after. Yeah. After his super bowl performance, I did end up watching an interview from Kendrick Lamar. Cuz I was like, what a fantastic week for a person. Grammys, super bowl, like, this is a lot of success. And he was just talking about how like from an artist perspective. Well, he was talking and I think from an artist perspective.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

There's actually a lot to learn from Kendrick.

[Renee]

Oh yeah.

[Courtney]

Facts. And his dedication to his craft and his love for his craft and what he's doing with. Is it PJ Lang or P. Lang or something like that? His label. And it's just seeing like. Yeah, I think dedication and like commitment to doing this for the long haul, which I think a lot of entertainers don't have.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

But yeah, that's.

[Renee]

Yeah, that's lessons. No, but even in that. Right. Is the real dedication. Right. To your craft.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Right. It's not just about. I think like music is actually the perfect example because there is even a distinction between artists that create tick tock songs or artists that create songs that are streamed in a day and we forget about them. The virality is, you know, something that they love. But then there are artists like your Kendrick, there are artists like your Adeles that, you know, you don't hear from too often online, but in real life they be showing up.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And their music is actually streamed and people resonate with it and people connect with it.

[Courtney]

So. Good.

[Renee]

I didn't think we'd get to this analogy, but I think it's a perfect one that friendships often operate like that. And I think social media, starting with Facebook, because remember our Facebook followers, we called them friends and we've spoken about this before in some of our past episodes. But be careful how you deploy the term friend. And many of us are feeling lonely, disappointed and isolated because we have misappropriated the label friend. We are. Everybody is, hey, sis. Comments fire emoji. Hey, friend. Hey, lovely. Hey, babe. You need to see these things for what they are. No one is saying that you can't have online acquaintances. You can't. Like, no one is saying you can't have online fans. But the word friend. Yeah, there's an expectation attached to that. And many of us are disappointed because our expectations haven't been met because we have misappropriated the term.

[Courtney]

Such a good point.

[Renee]

And I think it kind of segues into the next point around floundering adult female friendships right now, not just online, but actually in person as well. It seems that the feedback that we've had from a lot of people is it's very difficult to find friends, especially in adulthood. There's just something about adulthood that lends itself to a certain level of difficulty when it comes to connecting with people, doing the whole lifelong thing with another woman. So I'd love to hear your thoughts on some of the challenges around cultivating lifelong friendship online in person doesn't really matter. But cultivating that friendship in adulthood for women.

[Courtney]

Absolutely. I think cultivating deep friendships, cultivating sisterhood requires a level of intentionality which takes quite a bit of time.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And as we're getting older, I think a lot of us can resonate with the fact that we don't have as much time as we used to. So we don't have as much time to do the things that build the intimacy. So like I don't have as much time to do brunch, lunch, dinner, six hours on the phone, whatever it may be. And I can do those things, but it's maybe just not as frequently as I was able to do them before. And so I think for a lot of us we're trying to make up for the fact that it feels like we don't have that much time.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And I think it requires us to make certain trade offs. Like, you know, I know you're tired and you want to do your night in, but just call your friend or like while you're on the way to. Or even on the flip side of that, if you want your friends to communicate with you more, are you going to be okay if they're calling you when they're on their way shopping, you know, like, is it. Are you just desiring for everyone to show up you in those deep quality time moments or are you also okay with the idea of there being, you know, us doing life together and me doing life while I'm communing with you, you know, like come over for us all to watch the kids or come over whilst I still get my project done. But you can be in the same space and sometimes that's what adult friendships look like.

[Renee]

Ye.

[Courtney]

It looks like coexisting and also. Yeah. Giving ourselves time to have those deep moments of connection but also adjusting our expectations slightly.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

I also would say that a lot of us are dealing with a very key thing that happens oftentimes when we get older, which is feeling Embarrassed. And I think a lot of us struggle with this idea of feeling needy or like a beg or like, well, if I tell this person I want to be your friend at like, 30, they're going to think I'm so weird. Or like, that I have an ulterior motive. And it's like, that is a real fear, I think, especially based on how people have reacted online.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

To people trying to get close to them and just, like, treating people like, oh, why'd you always want to be around me? And it's like, the person wants to be your friend. That doesn't make them weird. That's how relationships are built. And so I think for a lot of us, we're looking at, like, how do I say I want to be this person's friend without looking like a bag? And I think a lot more of us are content with not having friendships so that we can preserve our image. Right. And, like, preserve our reputation as a cool kid. And I think it's just, you know, being that person who's like, no, I will message you and be like, do you want to go out for coffee? Or I will message you and be like, girl, I miss you. I want to get to know you better. I think you're super cool. You inspire me. Or whatever, you know, that breeds that friendship forward. So those are two things I would say. I would also say we're living in the age where we are, and to be fair, this is not new. But we are taught to see women as competition.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And so we don't want to have them as friends. Or we have this belief that women see us as competition, and so we don't want to have them as friends because we are suspicious of them.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

You know, I've met so many women, especially in us doing to my sisters and talking about female friendship. Sorry. I have met so many women, and especially since divinity, my sisters and talking about free male friendship and having our book, who have been like, you know, the whole sisterhood thing is fine, but, like, I've tried to be friends with women, and they're all just so jealous of me. Babe, give it a rest. There are good women. And I constantly say this. You are not the only good woman that exists. Relax, relax. You will find someone who loves you. It's enough. You need give it a chance. Like, and. And the first thing you need to do is get rid of this stupid narrative you have that, like, women are just jealous of. Who told you? Who told you that?

[Renee]

Like, jealous.

[Courtney]

I find that that's one of the Most obnoxious things. Like, honestly, just know if you've said that to me in my face in the past, I am judging you. Yeah, I am. Listen, genuinely as you are saying it, I'm like, ew. Because to me it's giving. Like, you know, those people's like, oh, my God. Everyone just wants what I have. I told you that. How pompous can you actually everyone just be? Everyone just wants to be me. The world doesn't revolve around you.

[Renee]

Yeah. We don't care how funny that is.

[Courtney]

Do you get what I mean? And so it's because of that that they're now like, I just can't have friends. No one wants you as a friend.

[Renee]

Oh, man.

[Courtney]

Because clearly you're the sort of friend who. And we've all met a couple women like this.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Once you're in friendship with them, it's all about them.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Whenever you meet up, they're just talking about them. You ask them, how are you? They never throw it back one sided because they are the center of attention. Like a lot of us have encountered narcissistic women.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And that can scar you.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

That can really scar you. And if you are the person who like, does think, like everyone is actually jealous of me, I can also understand, especially if that's based on past experience as well of somebody being like, they didn't like your success or they didn't celebrate you very well. I can also imagine how that is also scarring. So I think it's a mix of all of those things. I think it's adjusting to the time constraints that we have as adults or the other demands on our lives. I think it's dealing with the whole shame and embarrassment of admitting that you want to be someone's friend and that just feeling quite awkward.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Because you open yourself up to rejection as well.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And then it's also past experiences and encounters with other women that may have scarred us and stop us from moving forward. Yeah. How about you?

[Renee]

No, I love that. I think again, you hit the nail on the head. I think in terms of your first point, adjusting to the expectations of adulthood, that is so real. Because we've spoken about this on the podcast before. We don't give our friends grace.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

We really don't. Our expectations of friendship and wanting people to show up for us, especially as it pertains to sisterhood, I often find it can be very high. And this is not to say that you won't find people to meet this, but how much grace are we actually giving Our friends and how much opportunity are we giving them to show up for us too? And I think also a point that you had shared in one of our last podcast episodes, the importance of communication. These expectations that you have for the women in your life, have you actually communicated them? This is what I want from friendship.

[Courtney]

Yeah, sure.

[Renee]

I'm saying because so many of us just assume and we do the same in romantic relationships where we just assume compatibility and then we end up heartbroken because we were never compatible in the first place.

[Courtney]

So good.

[Renee]

But we had competing expectations that were never expressed.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

And I love women. I love.

[Courtney]

I love us.

[Renee]

I love us. But sometimes we. We don't articulate. We don't. We're at is guessing game. She should know that this is. We always assume the worst and we always assume that people should know about us and our needs. Whether you are a friend that's been a friend for two years or 20 years, don't ever assume. Always be curious about your friends. Always be curious about the woman that you want. You want to get to know. I think as you were saying around like, you know, the ladies that think that everybody is jealous of them. I've tried. I've been intentional. It's not. Not been. I think there is a category of women that that is true for. I think there's also another category whereby we are used to expressing love in the way that we receive it. Hey sisters. Interrupting this episode with a little ding ding, ding dilemma. Let's get into it. Hi sisters. I hope you're all doing well. I'm a 21 year old from South Africa. A shout out to all my Cape Town, Johannesburg, just South Africa babes. Let me not do territorial because that always gets a lot of people bit heated. But shout out to all our South African babes. I've recently graduated with a diploma in my dream career, though I haven't found a job yet, which adds to my frustration. On top of that, I barely have close friends to go out with. Most of my friends have other circles or are in relationships. And my best friend lives far away, so I rarely see her. When it comes to dating, guys never seem to stick around. We rarely make it past the talking stage and those who do mostly just want something physical. It's starting to make me feel like something is wrong with me. How can I work through this and find happiness within myself? It's hard to believe in love when all I've experienced is disappointment. Would love your advice. First of all, sis, congratulations. It is so huge to have graduated with your Diploma, Many, many congratulations and I hope you've actually had some time to really celebrate yourself. I know that this time period can feel so discombobulating, but don't forget that you've actually reached a major life milestone. And especially being so incredibly young. I know it can feel super daunting considering where you're at, but I just want to affirm you real quick and say, sis, this is completely normal. I know that it must feel like raw. This is something that's happening to me specifically and maybe there's something wrong with me, but considering the life stage that you're at and considering the things that you're experiencing is perfectly normal. Especially when you have just graduated with your diploma. These kind of environments naturally bring a certain social dynamic, social structure, which makes it super easy for you to connect with people and feel surrounded. So now you're really in the thick of adulthood and you're really taking baby steps into the great abyss that they called adulthood. I would definitely encourage you to actually be kind to yourself and really challenge the negative self talk that you may be entertaining, especially after such a huge milestone. And take your time with it. So that's my first point. Sis, hats off to you. Congratulations. It's an educated babe. We love to see it. Second of all, in the area of friendship, it's also very normal to feel a little bit isolated or disconnected, especially during this period. It's a great season of transition, not just for you, but also all of your other friends as well. Especially with your best friend living so far away and everyone being in these weird different seasons, some in relationships, some far away, some who are just not connecting in the same way. Again, completely normal. And that's actually going to be a feature of adulthood. It really is about meeting people where they're at and in terms of your expectations for friendships, at least with the people that are currently around you that you really love. It may be worth having a couple conversations to see how you can rekindle or prioritize some of these friendships and let your friends know that you actually desire to have that closeness with them again. Especially in navigating this post uni, post diploma era that you're finding yourself in. It also might be a really good time to start, you know, thinking about some new relationships too. You are fresh off the cuff of graduating and this is the perfect opportunity for you to start pursuing interest based communities, going to places where you can connect with other like minded women and men. Since you're interested in those romantic relationships, it is really the time for you to explore, what makes you tick, what are some of the things, the hobbies, the personal interests that you have that may also be a great basis for some of those relationships that you're quite keen to cultivate. And really starting from there. So really strengthening your old ties with your community, but then also being open to new ones in this era that you are navigating. And in terms of finding happiness within yourself, girl, it is very possible, and you're actually starting the right way. The fact that that's even a question that you have. Relationships are great and they are to be prioritized, but you need to make sure that you have a positive relationship with yourself, because that's the foundation to a lot of the relationships that you are going to pursue. And I know it's been difficult, especially considering that you had mentioned how much disappointment that he had felt in both romantic relationships, but also friendships. And sometimes those disappointments can leak in to our internal voices and we can start to believe the lie that we are not worthy of these relationships. Or the only type of relationships or people that I am attracting are inherently just not the kind of people that I want. That is a lie. We sometimes have to go through these seasons or these periods of isolations or, you know, things not really working out for us to really discern. Okay, cool. What are my core values? Who are the kind of people that I do actually want in my life? And then ruthlessly execute it and continue to refine it based on where you're out, based on where you're at, based on the information that you're gaining from doing a lot of this exploration, and based on you being open to the different types of relationship. And sis, trust me, if the man them are moving a bit weird and only focusing on your physical, that says more about them than it does about you. That's got nothing to do with you. So really trying to divorce your experiences from your conception of yourself. You are loved, you are valued. You may be going through a hard time of transition, but it doesn't mean that you are unworthy of any of these relationships. And take it a day at a time, a step at a time, making sure that you are navigating these relationships, strengthening old ones, but also very much investing in new ones. Taking it a step at a time when it comes to your romantic relationship to you, because the right one will eventually come. Sis, we are praying for you. We adore you and just know that you are absolutely not alone. This sisterhood definitely backs you at the very least, but sending you lots and Lots of love, Big congratulations and I'm looking forward to following your journey. So please send us updates. Big love.

[Courtney]

Hi, it's Courtney and Renee from the To My Sisters podcast and this episode is sponsored by the Long Wave, a free weekly newsletter from the Guardian.

[Renee]

Now Sisters, if you've ever felt like our stories, our global black experiences deserve more depth, more nuance, more spotlight, the Long Wave might be just what you've been looking for.

[Courtney]

Written by Guardian columnist Nezreen Malik and edited by Jason Okundaye, this newsletter brings you rich reporting, fresh commentary and powerful features from across Africa, the us, the uk, the Caribbean and beyond. Whether it's music, politics, business or beauty, it's a space where our culture, our voices and our realities are thoughtfully explored and conversations, which are often limited to social media and WhatsApp groups, are amplified.

[Renee]

If you love the conversations we have here, on To My Sisters. We think you'll love what the Long Wave is building to sign up to the Long Wave for free at the guardian.com forward/thelongwave25 hey, I'm Elise Hu, host.

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@Mintmobile.Com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month Required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail] and now back to the episode. So even as we are being intentional in some of our relationships, are you being intentional in a way that your friend or the other lady can receive that? Because you can say I've been intentional. I've been doing all of the coffee, I've been asking for the coffee dates. But the ladies that you're interact with, interacting with, they don't even drink coffee.

[Courtney]

That part.

[Renee]

Have you asked? They Might like tea. Yeah, herbal tea.

[Courtney]

It's true.

[Renee]

But because in your mind, you think that the only mode or the only way to do friendship is through pursuing the coffee date. And trust me, we on this podcast, we've always said, ask for a coffee. Sometimes you have to mix it up.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Sometimes you have to be curious. Sometimes you have to treat your friends as individuals too. They don't fit into this nice caricature of what a sister is. And I would hope that TMS has actually been a testament to the diversity of sisterhood that exists. Your sisterhood is never going to look like a Renee and Courtney. Your sisterhood is never going to look, like, you know, a Tiwa or it's never going to look like a juice. It's never going to look like a Megan.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

It's going to look very different. And you have to be okay with pursuing a sisterhood that is very individual and tailored. And too many of us have a conception of what sisterhood should be like as opposed to having core values that are then manifested in the individual relationships. So I think having some flexibility on that is super, super important moving forward. I think the self awareness piece is. Ah, ladies, the self awareness piece is important. Not everybody is jealous. Not everybody is. And I think even needs to be taken to the point of, do you have some internalized misogyny there or internalized patriarchy? Everybody is jealous of you.

[Courtney]

Absolutely. And I also think, think sometimes it's because you know what's in your heart and you know how you view women. And so the assumption is other people view you the same way. Right. If you are, you haven't admitted it, but in your head, you're quite a competitive person. It's very easy to think everyone else thinks like that. Do you get what I mean? And so you protect yourself from all the people who are capable of doing to you what you are capable of doing to other people.

[Renee]

Facts.

[Courtney]

And so you stop yourself from being in relationship with people because you know what's in your heart. Oh, awkward. Like you said, it's a self awareness piece.

[Renee]

The pots calling the kettle.

[Courtney]

Like, have you ever had someone be like, oh, because I just thought you this. And it's like, why would I even think that? Yeah, it's because they think like that or because they have the capacity to think like that.

[Renee]

That's really good.

[Courtney]

Do you get what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Renee]

No, it really is. The sisterhood requires a. When we say self awareness, it's not just, just about, you know, being aware of other people or Other things and how they interact with you. It's also about how you interact with other people. What's in your heart, what is like what are you doing and what is governing the way that you behave towards other people. That's real character work. It's about you and more time. It's about more so about you than it is about the other person. So what is actually in your heart? I think as tough as it can be sometimes we are the reason that we are lonely. We're refusing to step out on faith, we're refusing to bend. And I think friendships are still a site where a lot of women are refusing to yield.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

But romantic relationships, ah, you'll still be out here jumping up and down. You're bending backwards for this man. He has asked, oh, I like this. So you've decided to do every single day.

[Courtney]

He said, but even that sometimes, no, like, I think we're also living in a. A generation of the most rigid people in every context.

[Renee]

True.

[Courtney]

Do you get what I mean? Like they show it at work. Just ask them to do one thing.

[Renee]

No, you know, the Gen Z. Gen.

[Courtney]

Z again, like Gen Z and work culture and just our approach to things is very like. And obviously we are Gen Z, so it's hard to come at it. But genuinely we have to be able to call out our own nonsense. Sometimes we can be too self centered and it's like you ask someone to do things. No, my mental health. Okay, your mom has asked you to pick up the phone. Oh my gosh, she's so problematic. Up the phone. Like you actually have duties to other people. And I think we are living in a really rigid time where it's like, I don't owe you anything. I don't owe you anything.

[Renee]

Yes, you do. Yes.

[Courtney]

How do you expect to receive anything if you don't owe anyone anything?

[Renee]

Yes, you do. You do.

[Courtney]

That's wild. And even if you don't see it as owing, okay, you don't owe anyone respect. But if we all went around being lawless, what would society be?

[Renee]

They call that the purge.

[Courtney]

Do you get what I mean? Like withhold your side of the bargain, Withhold your part of the social code. Like, yes, you don't owe anyone anything. But then you also can't have any entitlement to expectations.

[Renee]

Exactly.

[Courtney]

You know, like, okay, you don't owe me anything. What if I robbed you right now and my excuse was I don't owe you anything. And then you call the police and they're like, we ain't coming. We don't owe you anything. Society can't run like that. Do you get what I mean? So we all show up to fulfill our social duties, and I think we are living in a time where it manifests in female friendship as sis, I don't owe you anything.

[Renee]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Courtney]

I didn't owe you that birthday present. I didn't owe you to come to your baby shower. I didn't owe you to come to your graduation. It's like, no, you didn't owe it to me, but now I don't owe you friendship, period.

[Renee]

Period. Their social codes adhere to them. And that's okay. You know, it's actually okay. And I love what you were saying around embarrassment. Ladies, we need to overcome shame.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Stop it.

[Courtney]

Big time.

[Renee]

Stop it. Why are you ashamed of having a relationship with a woman that's loving? Like, why are you ashamed to express your love to a woman point. Why are you ashamed to express, oh, I actually really like you as a friend, but for the mandam, yeah, you're out here talking about, oh, yeah, you know, I really like you, I want to pursue a future with you.

[Courtney]

You.

[Renee]

But you don't want to pursue a future with your friend. Yeah, why, yeah, why is that? And just even getting into the habit, One thing that I love doing is expressing love to my friends. I really love you. I like, I value you and value your position in my life. I value you as an individual, as a person. I value what you bring. Why is that so tough for us? So difficult for us? And obviously there's a whole variety of reasons. Embarrassment and shame being a big one, but also traumatic embarrassment. You know, past experiences where people have tried to be open to that level of friendship and relationship and have been scarred. And I think, as you were saying, that's a very valid experience too. If you have been scarred by women. And it's often a wound that we don't take as seriously. It's a, oh, you know, I was hurt by a friend and, you know, I've closed off my boundaries. That's a serious wound. You know, that's actually traumatizing. If somebody has really, you know, they've not met your expectations or they've transgressed your boundaries or they've done something to hurt you. Sometimes friendship wounds are like the biggest heartbreaks that you can experience, you know, and it's actually okay to feel that in the same way that we have grace. For people that experience romantic heartbreak, Affording yourself some grace if you have been heartbroken, but still not neglecting the fact that these Relationships are important. Your sense of holistic well being, your sense of health and happiness, it actually comes from holistic relationships. Friendship being a big one. And I think what's beautiful about friendship as well is friends are the family you get to choose. Like when we say sisterhood and stuff like that. Like that. The precursor to sisterhood being blood relation. Right. Relationship that's deeply knit. Seeing sisterhood is valuable because that's the blood I get to choose. If your family is wilded. More time. More time. Families wilding. More time. But we were stuck with them. Love y' all. But we were stuck with it.

[Courtney]

Facts.

[Renee]

Knowing that this is an opportunity for me to choose and really curate my family.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

I think a lot of people should be willing to take that step, lean into community. And I know it's also not easy. But for environmental reasons too, I think a lot of us. Because a lot of our socializing happens online. With the demise of a lot of third spaces, it can feel like it's really difficult to find authentic people. Especially because a lot of the reasons that we gather in third spaces nowadays. Parties, even those are declining.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Church. Ah. Church attendance is also declining. Just even community things. Viva hall parties. We used to meet the girls at the parties. Party in the back.

[Courtney]

No Ghana putting the park. Stuff happens.

[Renee]

It's too. I have to go this way.

[Courtney]

I'll take.

[Renee]

Thank you. Have to go this way. I love me a good party in the back. We're becoming the aunties we used to get. Laugh at these aunt. Oh, I have to come. Even they answer that. Who? I'm so excited. I need to think about my outfit now.

[Courtney]

Hilarious. Hilarious. And I think also a lot of third spaces now have a fee.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Oh, yeah. They have a fee attached to it. It's like. Like if we're gonna go and chill, it's gonna cost us a minimum £20.

[Renee]

I've sneezed.

[Courtney]

Maybe £10 to get there.

[Renee]

I've sneezed. But also, you can't bring strangers into your house.

[Courtney]

It's like so true. It's so true.

[Renee]

So yeah. I know that it's a difficult time, especially considering like back in the days when we're in school.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Friends by convenience. I'll come sit by your table.

[Courtney]

We'll hang.

[Renee]

We're friends. Or, you know, I'm sitting next to you in French. Our teacher is actually crazy. You know what I'm saying? Friendship these days is very much about intentionality. And that can be hard because it feels like the investment is really, really high. But I do Think that segues into our kind of, like, last point that I wanted to touch on the silver lining. In an era where the girls are tired, it feels like we're just lonely. We're all connected. I'm seeing everybody doing yeah. Bits and yet everybody is still feeling lonely. What are some ways that we can cultivate a sense of community and real female friendship in the age of loneliness?

[Courtney]

Well, first of all, read our book. Like, our book goes into this in many, many chapters. But I would say my top two things would be one, actually pray about it. Like, if you are someone who has spirituality or is a person of faith, God cares about your circles, too. He cares about you being supported by people and you finding, you know, people who you can do this life thing with. And I love that you mentioned, like, for a lot of us and like, for myself, most of our friends came from places of similar faith. Yeah, right. Like, if you are Muslim, as you have a Muslim sisters or your cousins or whatever, and if you are Christian, it's the girls that you met at church and all of these things, like, relationship or. I mean, if you're into, like, New Age practices, the girls you met at yoga and Pilates and all these things. You know what? I don't know what you guys do. I don't know. But, like, if. If. But did you know? I mean, it's shared spaces where you genuinely, like, a huge part of you is connected to. And I think when you meet people in spaces like that, there's always just a lot of common ground. And I'm not saying, like, find yourself in a spiritual space just to make friends. But honestly, I think if you are someone who prays, like, I think just let God know. Like, I really want some friends. You know, I really want some sisters. Like, I remember related, but not really. Like, I prayed to God that I wanted a younger sister. When I was like 4, 3, 4 years old, I was like, God, I need a younger sibling. It can't just be me in this house. Like, please send me a younger sibling.

[Renee]

And look at what happened.

[Courtney]

And then literally, like, I went up to my mom one day, I was like, you've got a baby in your belly. Then she was like, no.

[Renee]

I was like, her name is going to be Mary.

[Courtney]

And I just walked away.

[Renee]

Okay, Prophetess.

[Courtney]

Yeah, legit. At like, 3, 4. Yeah, legit. And that's exactly what I got.

[Renee]

Jesus.

[Courtney]

And I feel like that's what you have to declare to the atmosphere. Like, sorry, the whole production team is shocked. Shando. No, legit. That's actually what happened? Literally, ask my mom verbatim. I feel like that's how you can also approach God. Like, I really want some sisters. I really want, like, every. I've listened to this podcast and, you know, trends online hashtag sisterhood. I want that.

[Renee]

Me too.

[Courtney]

And God will answer. Yeah, it might not be as quick as you may want, or sometimes it may blow your mind how quickly, you know, someone sends you a text, hey, girl, you just came to my mind. Do you want to go for coffee? That's literally it. And so I think if you can actually pray about it, because God cares about it. And the second thing that I would say is put yourself out there. I know we see it a lot with dating in particular, but I think it also relates to friendships. No one's going to become your friend if you're just chilling in the house every day. No one wants to befriend a weirdo if you're just inside in the dark in the sheets all day, every day. How are you gonna find friends club?

[Renee]

Don't Stop it. Do you remember Club Penguin?

[Courtney]

So, like, how are you actually gonna make friends, girl? Get outside. Like, find yourself in spaces which you like, first of all, and then you'll find women who like it, too, and boom, bam, we're friends, you know? And I would also say the last thing, actually, is when you get into those spaces as well. Don't be afraid of intentionally pursuing relationships. Like, yes, okay, I'm in this space now. I've put myself out there. But now get involved. Like, get involved. I. I find that, like. Like, most of my relationships, for example, with church, came because I was serving, right? So it's like, I've now become close friends with the people on my serving team or in my small group or, you know, I ended up volunteering to be a part of the team, and now I'm in team meetings, and people are more. Like, I'm spending more time with people. And yes, it's forced time together, but it's time that we get to banter and time. They get to understand more about me. And so when you even enter into these third spaces, don't be stylish. Don't be as stush for our international sisters. It's just like your bare, stiff, like, people. You don't really want to interact with people. You come and you go. You come and you go. Just. Just a gasp of wind. Just. Yeah, here. Then you're gone.

[Renee]

Then you're gone.

[Courtney]

Do you get what I mean? And no one can say hi to you, you don't spend time saying hi to people, getting to know people, and as hard as that can be. And I understand social awkwardness, but a lot of us are using social awkwardness as a excuse. Beloved, you just don't want to talk. Get over that. Get over that. That's what I would say.

[Renee]

I love that show. Social awkwardness and anxiety. Who's boss?

[Courtney]

Who's boss?

[Renee]

It should be afraid of you.

[Courtney]

It's even more reason to be like, no, you're not going to keep me in your clutches. I'm going to start talking to people.

[Renee]

Have you seen those tiktoks where people will comment and say social anxiety is afraid of you? Because you are there speaking to members of the public. You are there interrupting people.

[Courtney]

Because, like, and. And this might seem like super spiritual, but for me, it's like, as soon as you allow it to hold you back, it's going to keep you forever.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

So sometimes you just need to do it to overcome the fear and just to show the fear. Like, you're not gonna. I'm the boss here, so I am going to talk to someone. I may be super awkward. I hope I may never bump into them again. But in this particular moment, I showed you who's boss.

[Renee]

Boss. A win for the team.

[Courtney]

A win for the team.

[Renee]

And honestly, like, really putting yourself out there. I love that you mentioned that. It's so important because it's often through friends that some of your biggest blessings will come. Ah, some of you are already in. Oh, how do you put yourself out there into dating and stuff, not knowing or realizing that the person that you're looking for could be in your pool of friends. Simple pool of friends.

[Courtney]

I like that.

[Renee]

It's very funny because last Sunday our pastor was talking about the importance of social health and how many of us neglect the body. Like actually connecting with people and maintaining a sense of social health so that we may be able to access, like, there's certain blessings or certain things that will only come about through our proximity to people. And not in a transactional way, but actually in a loving way. It's through the love of people. There's so much beauty and brilliance to be accessed and vice versa. I find that relationships often bring out not just the worst to be refined and sharpened, but also the best in us. And it gives us the opportunity to really shine as people in relationships to other people. So if you really do want to, especially as women of faith, if you really do want to experience but also share the love of God, the best place to do that is often in relationships and friendships being one of them. Like we often focus on marital relationships or romantic relationships. But friendships are often a site where God's glory is depicted too. So actually holding in your heart friendship as something that is in high regard God. And I don't think it's doing too much to be spiritual about it. Friendships are spiritual. Friendships are a ministry. Friendships are a ministry. Every single relationship that you have is a ministry. You are a steward in that ministry and you have to steward and minister well. So actually seeing it as something that's important enough and requires that level of investment in the spiritual realm as well as in the natural realm. And sorry, it's a bit of a plug to tms. But if you are looking for sister, then all them things there you already know where you should go. Because we actually have testimonies.

[Courtney]

Yeah.

[Renee]

Of people becoming friends by coming to our event.

[Courtney]

Events come to the two. My sister's events, like retreats. We have literally had people from different parts of the world link up in a country.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

And then there's. They spend a week together and suddenly they're doing their own tr, they're planning their own crazy to another place. Right. Or people have come to the live show and after the live show they're like, let's go for dinner, let's go to the cinema. And it's like this is exactly what it's all about. Like let's create spaces where women can connect with one another, where it's not about celebrity. You're not just coming to see Renee and I. You're coming to connect with other like minded, genuine hearted women.

[Renee]

Genuine. Emphasis on the genuine. So make sure you stay plugged into all things TMS events if you want to actually change your life.

[Courtney]

Left for real.

[Renee]

But before we do go, Ms. CDB, I know it's very sad. We've got to leave the girls alone and we're talking about loneliness. I think that's actually quite outrageous. But to leave them with something to encourage them for the week. Over to you. Letter to my sisters.

[Courtney]

Let it rip. Okay. To my sisters. You were not made to do life alone. I know sometimes it feels like that's more convenient and you're less predisposed to pain. But honestly, life is so much more beautiful when you do it with people who actually love you. And our prayer for you is that you'll actually be surrounded by people who care about who you are, where you're going and your well being overall. Because loneliness kills. Let me be honest with you. Loneliness kills and it makes life miserable. And so you may have to kiss a few frogs or frog ends. But don't worry, you will find your tribe. You will find your sisterhood. And when you do, hold on to them tight.

[Renee]

Beautiful. It's giving community.

[Courtney]

It's giving community.

[Renee]

Love you, ladies.

[Courtney]

We do indeed. Hey, sis. We hope that you enjoyed this conversation all about loneliness and cultivating female friendships and sisterhood. You already know this is our bag over here. We are people who love female friendships and really believe that they can actually thrive, even in a society of pessimism and isolation. And so if you want to plug into the sisterhood, make sure you do. But before you run away, we want to leave you with a reflective exercise and activity to help bring this conversation to life for you. And so the question that we want you to reflect on the this week is, do you feel deeply known and supported in your friendships? You can think of each friendship individually or all of them collectively and think about whether you are actually cherished as your authentic self and whether you're actually supported. You never know. Pondering on that question may reveal some things to you about some things that need to change, some conversations that need to take place. But speaking of conversations, this week's activity, if you really want to get get a stars, is reach out to a woman in your circle. It could be one of your kind of not closest friends, but she's on the peripheries or maybe she's a person at work or someone you've just admired for a long time and is orbiting in your world somewhere. And just message her and just really say like, hey, I'd like to connect and see where that goes. You can invite her into a conversation with you through a voice note or by shooting her a message or inviting her out to coffee or give her a cheeky FaceTime. Why not? I'm sure she'd love to see your face on her phone. And I want you to do something a little bit difficult and just share something vulnerable about yourself. I know vulnerability, tough times. However, it could simply be when she asks, how are you? Don't just give her the cliche and, well, really go into it. I'm a bit tired or, you know, I'm feeling a little bit apprehensive about something that's coming up. Just be vulnerable and see where the conversation goes. I hope if you do this exercise, you actually can cultivate some really lovely relationships in your life, and we'd love to hear about it. And if you're really, really struggling to find women who can do this exercise with make sure you join the Sisterhood. Literally head to our website to my sisters.com where you can find amazing women who get deep, deep, deep in their conversations and honest about what they are going through. And so hopefully it's a space where you can feel known and supported once you join. And so yes, we hope that you enjoyed this conversation. We hope that you stay plugged in with the Sisterhood on social media. O myself Sisterhood. You can also follow us. Our handles are in that bio and we want you to have an amazing week. We want you to feel like you aren't alone and we are here with you, at least virtually. So yeah, sisters, we'll see you next week. And as always, keep glowing and growing. Toodles. Hello, this is Dani from everything Iconic. There is tea to spill and as always, I'm here for it. The all new season of the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is now streaming on Hulu. We'll finally get to see what's going on with our favorite saints and sinners. This season is a tangled web of jealousy, exes and drama. It's going to be pure insanity. I'm so excited. Don't miss the new season of the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives now streaming on Hulu.