Episode Overview

Podcast: Today, Explained (Vox)
Episode: Are boyfriends embarrassing?
Date: January 2, 2026
Hosts: Estad Herndon, Shantae Joseph, featuring Professor Jane Ward

Main Theme:
This episode explores the viral online discourse around the question of whether having a boyfriend—especially for women in straight relationships—has become “embarrassing.” The conversation weaves through generational shifts in dating culture, performative privacy, the impact of “tradwife” trends, heteropessimism, and the ways in which straight relationships are politicized or critiqued online.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Viral Vogue Article and Social Media Trends

Guest: Shantae Joseph (writer, relationships/culture columnist)

• Origin of the Debate: Sparked by Joseph’s 2025 British Vogue article “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” (02:24)
• Observation: Women increasingly obscure their boyfriends' faces or entire presence on social media, sometimes to parodying extremes—even in wedding and engagement posts. (02:40)
  • Quote: “People I knew with, like, 10 followers were doing that, and I was like, why are you doing this?” — Shantae Joseph (02:40)
• Three Key Findings from Her Article: (03:55)
  • Privacy: Some sincerely value private lives online.
  • Fear of Shame: Concern over public breakups and deleting posts (“If I posted my boyfriend and he cheated... I'd have to deal with the shame” — 04:19)
  • Brand/Image: For many, having a boyfriend doesn’t “align with their brand”—some see men as “detrimental to a woman's brand.” (04:40)

2. The Political Overtones of Straight Relationships Online

• Heterosexuality as Political: The notion that straight relationships, especially when publicly celebrated, can seem “aligned to an ideology,” particularly with the resurgence of the “tradwife” (traditional wife) aesthetic. (05:16)
  • “...the sort of heterosexual romantic relationship has almost been co-opted a little bit by the right. It feels traditionally very sort of conservative.” — Shantae Joseph (05:16)
• Rise of Tradwife and Dating Narratives: Contrasting online cultures—“tradwives” making butter from scratch vs. TikTok threads of women exposing men’s bad behavior (e.g., “Who the fuck did I marry?” TikTok series). (07:03)

3. The Controversy and Backlash

• Public Reaction: Men particularly took offense, while women interpreted it as divisive or anti-solidarity.
  • “...this emotional space, this sort of dating space, feels like the last place that [men] can really have true domination.” — Shantae Joseph (08:52)
• Identity and Internalized Shame: Many women, both partnered and single, felt “guilt” about being in relationships with men, reflecting a broader shame around heterosexuality. (09:26)

4. The Tragedy of Heterosexuality

Guest: Jane Ward (Professor of Feminist Studies, UCSB)

• Book Inspiration: “The Tragedy of Heterosexuality” inspired Joseph’s article; the book’s genesis comes from queer community jokes and genuine analysis of why straight relationships often seem fraught. (17:12)
  • Quote: “Really, what... what's meant by this is that straight people often seem kind of miserable. They complain about each other a lot.” — Jane Ward (18:20)
• Misogyny Contradiction: Historically, marriage didn’t require liking your spouse. Now, there's a “companionate marriage” ideal, but misogyny lingers, making genuine companionship hard.
  • “We're not actually producing those relationships... it’s very disappointing for both women and men.” — Jane Ward (22:16)
• The Heterosexual Repair Industry: A swirl of self-help and advice culture trying to fix straight relationships, usually failing because patriarchal attitudes remain. (21:30)

5. Heteropessimism and Cultural Shifts

• Heteropessimism: Coined by Asa Saracen—refers to the performative airs of regret or embarrassment straight people (especially women) express about being straight (23:30)
  • “It's performative in that that's all it does... These are not people who are actually gonna stop being straight because of it.” — Jane Ward (24:01)
• Changing Discourse: Social media has rapidly accelerated open talk about the dysfunction in straight relationships, making what was once subtext into mainstream meme and debate. (22:39)
• Political Polarization: Online, the “tradwife” right and “redpilled” men sit in opposition to anti-dating, feminist, or queer discourses—demonstrating collective uncertainty and cultural instability (25:23)
  • Referenced Gramsci’s theory: when old norms crumble and new ones aren’t established, identity crises and polarization flourish. (25:23)

6. Solutions? Embracing Feminism

• Ward’s Prescription: The solution isn’t to jettison men but for men to sincerely embrace feminism, to actually like and respect women, not just desire them.
  • “Feminism is a way for straight men to demonstrate that they actually like women so much. They're so heterosexual that they actually like women.” — Jane Ward (27:01)
  • “It’s just kind of amazing how narrowly we have defined heterosexuality.” — Jane Ward (28:20)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “The fact that this even had to be written is a clear wake up call for men.” — Estad Herndon (00:23)
• “Men are detrimental to a woman's brand.” — Jane Ward (04:40)
• Shantae Joseph poking fun at online trends: “People would post their wedding videos... but you never knew what the husband looked like. And I was like, okay, this is feeling a bit extreme.” (02:40)
• On the “ick” of traditional roles: “It just represents that very kind of traditional cultural way of living that kind of gives people the ick a bit.” — Shantae Joseph (05:36)
• On changing norms: “Now, are you two a couple? No, tragically, we are both heterosexual.” — Jane Ward, quoting Parks and Recreation (18:59)
• On advice to young men: “Just be aware of your media and the things that you've been taught to believe about women. Because this stuff starts really, really young.” — Shantae Joseph (11:37)
• On the persistence of patriarchy: “We have not undone the centuries of patriarchy and misogyny...” — Jane Ward (21:30)
• On feminism as the answer: “Straight men could do that, too, but they have to want to. And I think they have to kind of hit rock bottom. And maybe, maybe they are.” — Jane Ward (28:20)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:24 – Shantae Joseph introduces her Vogue article, explains the social media phenomenon.
• 03:55 – Three main explanations for hiding boyfriends or feeling embarrassment.
• 05:16 – Heterosexual relationships seen as politically fraught.
• 07:03 – “Who the fuck did I marry?” and tradwife trend analysis.
• 08:52 – Shantae on the backlash from men and deeper meaning.
• 09:26 – The guilt/shame dynamic for straight women.
• 17:12 – Jane Ward introduces the "Tragedy of Heterosexuality" concept.
• 18:20 – Anecdotes on straight culture's oddities and malaise.
• 21:30 – Diagnosing misogyny and the failed “repair” industry.
• 22:39 – The rapid cultural change in how heterosexuality is debated and analyzed.
• 23:30 – Definition and discussion of heteropessimism.
• 25:23 – Political divides, Gramsci's theory of instability, and doubling down on old norms.
• 27:01 – Feminism as the true cure for “embarrassing” straight relationships.

Takeaways

• Social Media Has Changed Relationship Norms: Public presentation of relationships, especially for women, is increasingly fraught—hiding partners is common for reasons of privacy, brand, and even shame.
• Heterosexuality Is Being Analyzed and Critiqued: Once regarded as the baseline, straight relationships are now subject to political and cultural scrutiny. Many (especially women) openly joke or lament about the “tragedy” of liking men or being in straight couples.
• Cultural Instability Breeds Identity Polarization: As old norms break down and new ones aren’t yet fully formed, anxiety and polarization flourish—some turn to tradition, others to radical change.
• Feminism Is Proposed As The Solution: The answer, according to guests, isn’t abolition of heterosexuality but a sincere male embrace of feminism, mutual respect, and expanded definitions of masculinity.

Episode’s Tone

The tone is playful yet serious—mixing viral meme references and laughter with sober reflections on misogyny, identity, and the future of romance.

For those who haven't listened, this episode offers both a critique of modern relationship dynamics and a guidepost toward healthier, more equitable heterosexual partnerships.