Podcast Summary: "A Nation of Jerks"

Podcast: Today, Explained (Vox)
Date: September 21, 2025
Host: Jonathan Hill (standing in for regular hosts Sean Rameswaram & Noel King)
Guests: Allie Volpe (Vox reporter), Jessica Lamb Shapiro (author), Nedra Glover Tawab (therapist)

Main Theme

This episode tackles America’s so-called “rudeness crisis,” exploring whether people are really becoming less polite, what’s fueling these antisocial trends, and how our enthusiasm for self-help and therapy culture might be paradoxically contributing to the problem. It features conversations about shifting social norms, the explosion of self-help, and healthier ways to set boundaries and rebuild community.

Are Americans Actually Ruder Now?

Key Points and Insights

• Anecdotal Frustrations:

  • Stories of people blasting music or podcasts in public, using phones in theaters, or being brusque in everyday encounters abound.
  • Listeners chimed in with complaints:
    • “If I'm holding the door open for you, you need to say thank you.” (Jessica Lamb Shapiro, 01:34)
    • “Listening to a podcast on full blast… Strolling the aisles of Target. Are we kidding?” (Allie Volpe, 01:48-01:53)

• Are Manners Disappearing?

  • Allie Volpe explains this feeling isn’t new: “Each generation seems to be facing the same issue of thinking the one that is following it is more rude.” (02:03)
  • Google searches for “is it rude?” have been rising steadily for 20 years, mirroring a recurring anxiety.

• Evidence of Rising Rudeness:

  • Recent Pew survey: Nearly half of Americans believe people are ruder than pre-pandemic. (03:53)
  • UNC worldwide survey: 73% in 2022 found rude customers not unusual, up from 61% in 2012.

• Why the Shift?

  • Stress & Overwhelm:
    • “The number one reason for people being rude was feeling stressed or overwhelmed. And I think that is, you know, in part because of the pandemic.” (Allie Volpe, 04:54)
    • Social norms were created and broken in real time during COVID, with divisions over masks, quarantining, and general behavior.
    • Ongoing polarization, inflation, and “stressful news” fray tempers.

• Self-Centeredness & Empathy:

  • The focus on self-care and “putting yourself first” may have swung too far, according to Volpe:
    • “The pendulum has really swung… to now prioritize your own comfort at all costs.” (06:06)

The Blurry Line Between Rude and Normal

Discussing the Subjectivity of Rudeness

• Cultural and Contextual Variation:

  • Rudeness is “hard to measure because everyone has a slightly different definition of it.” (03:53)
  • For example, failing to return a greeting might be “rude”—or just an innocent distraction. (06:51)

• How to Respond:

  • “The only thing you can control is yourself and your own behavior.” (Allie Volpe quoting her mom, 07:42)
  • Modeling positive interaction can counter negativity, leading to a “virtuous cycle.”

The Self-Help Explosion: Are We Over-Optimizing?

History and Appeal of Self-help

• Long Tradition:

  • The first “self-help” book by Samuel Smiles (1859) titled Self Help. Stoicism, like Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations, is now shelved as self-help. (12:14–13:19)
  • “Every man I know reads about Stoicism.” (Jonathan Hill, 13:46)

• A $45–59 Billion Industry:

  • Includes books, courses, TikToks, affirmations, etc. (14:48)

• Is Self-help a Scam?

  • There’s a spectrum: “I wouldn't say that they're a scam… there's good ones, there's bad ones.” (Jessica Lamb Shapiro, 15:17)

• Why We're Drawn In:

  • “Whatever your life is, it could be better… It's a really appealing idea…” (Jessica Lamb Shapiro, 15:56)
  • The hope for fast, affordable transformation drives demand.

Are We Becoming Antisocial?

• Too Much Self-focus:

  • “We’re obsessed with betterment, obsessed with productivity… We're really losing the sort of community aspect when… everything is done by yourself.” (Jessica Lamb Shapiro, 18:43)
  • When the solution to every problem is individual change, social ties and mutual support erode.

• Redeeming Features:

  • Some modern self-help (e.g. Brene Brown) brings real research and nuance. (17:39–18:14)

Boundaries: Are We Walling Ourselves Off?

With Therapist Nedra Glover Tawab (22:37–30:27)

• What Are Boundaries?

  • “Needs and expectations in our relationships that make us feel safe and comfortable. The boundary can be verbal. It can be a behavior…” (Nedra Glover Tawab, 23:05)

• The Therapy-Speak Backlash:

  • Clinical language is everywhere (“boundary issue,” “people pleaser,” “attachment”), but may do more harm than good by boxing people in:
    • “It boxes it in. It leaves us without nuance.” (25:52)

• Healthy Boundaries: Flexible, Not Rigid:

  • “Rigid boundaries is where we have these walls, we have these hard rules, and we keep everyone out… It’s either we're in relationship or we are not.” (26:04–27:05)

• Why Overly Rigid Boundaries?

  • People who have tolerated bad treatment for too long often over-correct with hard cutoffs.
  • “We have to think about what are the boundaries that I can implement here that I can actually live with.” (28:00)

• Building and Maintaining Community:

  • “We actually need more community than we have. And that's why we put so much pressure on the one friend or on our parents or the one sibling or the… We just need more people.” (29:47)
  • Variety in relationships prevents loneliness and over-reliance.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If I'm holding the door open for you, you need to say thank you.” — Jessica Lamb Shapiro (01:34)
• “The pendulum has really swung… to now prioritize your own comfort at all costs.” — Allie Volpe (06:06)
• “If we just perpetuate polite, nice behavior, that is number one. Modeling it for the people in our life, especially kids…” — Allie Volpe (07:42)
• “We're obsessed with betterment, obsessed with productivity… we're really losing the sort of community aspect…” — Jessica Lamb Shapiro (18:43)
• “Rigid boundaries is where we have these walls, we have these hard rules, and we keep everyone out.” — Nedra Glover Tawab (26:04)
• “We just need more people… Many of us, we're hyper-focused on very few relationships.” — Nedra Glover Tawab (29:47)

Timeline of Key Segments

• [01:19–08:31] – Is America Ruder? (Jonathan Hill & Allie Volpe)
• [09:55–18:34] – The Rise of Self-Help & What It’s Doing to Us (Jessica Lamb Shapiro)
• [22:37–30:27] – Boundaries, Loneliness, and Rebuilding Community (Nedra Glover Tawab)

Takeaways

• Rudeness appears on the rise, but much is driven by stress and changing norms.
• Self-help is both deeply appealing and potentially isolating if taken too far.
• True change requires balancing self-care with investment in community.
• Healthy, flexible boundaries (not rigid walls) foster stronger social bonds.
• Rebuilding politeness and kindness is possible if each individual chooses to model it.

For those who haven’t listened, this episode offers a nuanced, researcher- and therapist-backed exploration of rudeness, self-help culture, and the need for genuine community connection in a turbulent, individualistic era—sprinkled with humor and plenty of relatable anecdotes.