Podcast Summary: “Having kids was a mistake”

Podcast: Today, Explained (Vox)
Date: April 24, 2026
Hosts: Sean Rameswaram, Noel King
Guests: Bindu Bansinath (The Cut/New York Magazine), Jennifer Senior (The Atlantic)

Episode Overview

This episode dives into the taboo topic of parental regret—specifically, the stories of parents who feel that having children was a mistake. It explores why some parents feel regret, the social stigma surrounding these feelings, and how changing social, economic, and cultural conditions shape expectations and experiences of parenthood. The show also considers broader societal trends like declining birth rates and increasing childlessness, and features expert insight on how our culture and expectations might be overcomplicating (and burdening) the parental experience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Reflections on Parenting & Regret

• Sean Rameswaram shares his conflicted thoughts about parenthood, recalling his surprise when a friend expressed certainty about wanting children at age 25.
• U.S. birth rates continue to drop; more people are choosing not to have kids, and a subset of parents openly regret their decision, though this remains taboo.
  Timestamps: 00:00–02:04

2. Bindu Bansinath's Reporting on 'Regretful Parents'

• Bindu explores the underdiscussed phenomenon of parental regret, discovered largely via the “Regretful Parents” subreddit.
• She interviews three mothers, each with different stories but united by a sense of isolation and disappointment with motherhood.
  Timestamps: 02:07–11:42

A. Case Study 1: Northeast U.S. Mom, Nonprofit Executive

• Pressure from spouse and societal norms led her into motherhood.
• Postpartum depression was dismissed by her doctor (“Well, you don't feel like throwing your baby out the window, right?”—Doctor via Bindu, 05:07).
• Misses intellectual stimulation and freedom from pre-parent life; feels life became narrower.
  • Memorable Quote:

    “Having a kid turns you into a morning person the way being chased by a bear turns you into a runner.” —Anonymous Mom (05:38)

B. Case Study 2: Southern Europe Mom, Formerly Sheltered

• Married young; pressured by husband and relatives to have a child.
• Promised support (“the village”) did not materialize postpartum; career on hold, burden mostly hers.
• Felt “tricked into this”; yearns for alternate, childfree life.
  • Memorable Quotes:

    “It felt like I'd been tricked into this. Everyone who wanted me to have a child...knew they weren't going to lose much while my freedom and identity went down the toilet.” —Anonymous Mom (07:28)
    “It’s like my future is over now, with nowhere else to go, while my daughter's is about to begin. It's an ugly feeling.” —Anonymous Mom (08:56)

C. Case Study 3: North Carolina Dog Trainer

• Unexpected pregnancy at 25, pressure from family and friends to continue.
• Felt she lost personal identity; efforts to express struggle dismissed as “normal” motherhood.
• Ultimately chooses separation so child can be raised by father; wishes she’d listened to her instincts.
  • Memorable Quotes:

    “I felt like I'd disappeared as a human being. Clients called me mama...I was stuck inside a role not meant for me.” —Anonymous Mom (09:56–10:38)
    “I can't live this life with him anymore. I'm not the parent my son needs...I can only fake it so much.” —Anonymous Mom (11:20)

3. How Widespread is Parental Regret?

• Only limited research; one study cited 5–14% of parents experience these feelings, but stigma and survey difficulty may lower reported rates.
• Bindu herself admits this reporting makes her more cautious as she considers parenthood.
  Timestamps: 11:42–13:03

4. Expert Context: Jennifer Senior on the Paradox of Modern Parenting

• Jennifer Senior, author of All Joy and No Fun, shares her perspective as both writer and parent.

• Points out that all three mothers in the feature had very young children, saying the early years (0–3) are universally the most difficult and can color perceptions of parenthood.

• Emphasizes the lack of robust support and childcare options, which exacerbates stress and regret.

  “From zero to three, those are the toughest years...sleep deprivation is a confound...it’s hard, it’s boring. There’s just so much—or so little and so much—that’s going on at the same time.” —Jennifer Senior (17:29)

• Adult children and grandparenting can bring rewards later, even if the earliest years are hardest.

• The interview moves into historical context for changing parental roles:

  • Previously, children were economic contributors (working on family farms, factories); now they are “economically worthless and emotionally priceless.”

    “They became economically worthless and emotionally priceless.” —Jennifer Senior quoting Viviana Zelizer (21:12)

• Modern parents are expected to cultivate, hover, and enrich children, putting immense stress on themselves with little evidence this benefits kids—Jennifer calls for a more relaxed, less intense approach.

  • Memorable Exchange:

    “I think kids would be fine if we did less. And yes, I think we’re overdoing it in the sense that it’s coming at the cost of our mental health.” —Jennifer Senior (22:17)

5. Meaning & Joy in Parenting: Why Do It?

• Jennifer sees meaning, rather than day-to-day happiness, as the primary reward of parenting.

• She encourages parents to resist cultural pressure to “optimize” every minute and warns against guilt around outsourcing care.

  “If you find a childcare provider you trust...you’re not screwing up your kid by handing your child to a babysitter. It’s okay.” —Jennifer Senior (24:33)

• The best reason to have children isn’t for legacy or gene perpetuation, but for the opportunity to love someone else and to add meaning to one’s life.

  “There’s an opportunity to love someone else and to not privilege your own self... It’s nice to not think about yourself.” —Jennifer Senior (26:28)

• Jennifer also makes clear she doesn’t feel people should have children if they feel opposed:

  “If [my son] came to me and said, ‘Mom, I don’t want kids,’ oh, I would get it, and I wouldn’t. My heart would not break.” —Jennifer Senior (25:38)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |------------|----------------------|---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 05:38 | Anonymous Mom | “Having a kid turns you into a morning person the way being chased by a bear turns you into a runner.” | | 07:28 | Anonymous Mom | “It felt like I'd been tricked into this. Everyone...knew they weren't going to lose much while my freedom and identity went down the toilet.” | | 08:56 | Anonymous Mom | “It’s like my future is over now, with nowhere else to go, while my daughter's is about to begin. It’s an ugly feeling.” | | 09:56 | Anonymous Mom | “I felt like I'd disappeared as a human being. Clients called me mama...” | | 11:20 | Anonymous Mom | “I can’t live this life with him anymore. I’m not the parent my son needs...I can only fake it so much.” | | 17:29 | Jennifer Senior | “From zero to three, those are the toughest years... ‘parenthood lasts until you die’…” | | 21:12 | Jennifer Senior | “They became economically worthless and emotionally priceless.” (Quoting Zelizer) | | 22:17 | Jennifer Senior | “I think kids would be fine if we did less...it’s coming at the cost of our mental health.” | | 24:33 | Jennifer Senior | “You’re not screwing up your kid by handing your child to a babysitter. It’s okay.” | | 26:28 | Jennifer Senior | “There’s an opportunity to love someone else and not privilege your own self...that would be my argument.”| | 25:38 | Jennifer Senior | “If [my son] came to me and said, ‘Mom, I don’t want kids’... my heart would not break.” |

Takeaways for Listeners

• Parental regret exists and is often driven by social pressure, lack of support, unrealistic expectations, and the loss of personal identity—particularly during early childhood years.
• Stigma keeps many from speaking openly; even among those who feel regret, love for their children and self-blame are complexly intertwined.
• Modern parenting culture—with its focus on over-involvement and perfection—exacerbates parent stress, possibly without benefitting children.
• The meaning of parenting is hard to measure in conventional studies: for some, it outweighs hardship; for others, it doesn't.
• Societal empathy is needed: We should recognize the difficulties of parenting, support those who choose not to have kids, and broaden our definition of family fulfillment.

Suggested Listening Segments

• Stories of Parental Regret (Case Studies): 03:12–11:42
• How Prevalent is Regret? 11:42–13:03
• Jennifer Senior on Parenting History/Intensity: 17:29–22:52
• Meaning & Advice for Modern Parents: 24:05–26:56

Conclusion

This episode offers a nuanced examination of the experience of regretting parenthood without shame or judgment, pairing raw firsthand accounts with practical, historical, and psychological context. The conversation balances empathy for those facing difficult realities with the acknowledgment of joy and meaning in the parenting journey—if and only if it's a journey you choose.