Podcast Summary: Todo Concostrina — "6 de enero de 1540: Enrique VIII se casa con la cuarta. La culpa fue del Photoshop"

• Host: SER Podcast — Nieves Concostrina
• Air Date: January 5, 2026

Main Theme

This episode dives into a peculiar and humorous anecdote from history: the ill-fated marriage of England’s Henry VIII to his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves, on January 6, 1540. With her trademark irreverence, Nieves Concostrina explores how politics, royal matchmaking, and some artful portrait retouching (“Photoshop,” centuries before its time) led to this disastrous union. The story expands to include other instances where royal marriages were deceived by flattered portraits—demonstrating that catfishing isn’t a new invention!

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage: A Royal Mess (00:56–04:15)

• Fittingly, on the eve of Epiphany (Día de Reyes), the focus is on monarchy—specifically, England’s notorious Henry VIII, infamous for his six marriages and beheadings.
• “Hoy toca Reyes, sin más remedio… Puede que el rey inglés más célebre, el que conoce todo el mundo, aunque solo sea por el nombre, es el Tudor. Enrique VIII, el decapitador, el de las seis esposas...” — Nieves (01:00)
• Nieves playfully corrects myths: Only two wives were actually beheaded; others were divorced, died naturally, or outlived him.

2. Why Marry Anne of Cleves? (04:15–06:39)

• Henry became desperate for Protestant alliances after breaking from Rome and angering Charles V, the powerful Catholic Emperor (and nephew of Henry's first wife, Catherine of Aragon).
• His only male heir was weak; more royal “stock” was crucial.
• Anne’s main qualification: her brother led the Protestant German states England needed to befriend.
• Henry decided on Anne after reviewing portraits of her and her sister, Amalia, by Hans Holbein.

3. The Portrait That Fooled the King (06:39–08:34)

• Holbein the Younger, a highly respected court painter, was tasked with painting Anne and Amalia so Henry could 'choose'.
• Anne’s portrait depicted her as serene, gentle, and attractive—retouching out her smallpox scars and rounding out her figure.
• “No entiendo cómo salvó el cuello después de haber hecho el retrato de Ana de Cleveris, en el que quedó tan monísima.” — Nieves (06:49)
• Amalia's portrait, meanwhile, was less flattering—perhaps reflecting Holbein’s own preferences.

4. The Unhappy Meeting & Swift Divorce (08:34–09:58)

• When Anne arrived, Henry found her much less appealing than her portrait and was physically repelled—she had facial pockmarks, was larger than expected, and they could not communicate.
• “Hans Holbein afinó la carita, suavizó el rostro, la pintó más delgadita. Anna de Cleveris, para el gusto de Enrique VIII, era grandota, fea, destartalada...” — Nieves (08:37)
• Henry never consummated the marriage; Anne, he claimed, was the only wife who remained “intact.” A new lady-in-waiting, Catherine Howard, caught his eye.
• The marriage was annulled after just six months.

5. Collateral Damage: Heads Will Roll (09:58–10:45)

• Someone needed to pay for the fiasco—Cromwell, Henry’s minister who engineered the match, was blamed instead of the painter.
• “Acabó rodando la cabeza del que metió prisa para que el rey se casara con Anna de Cleveris. Thomas Cromwell fue considerado el directo responsable de que aquel matrimonio saliera rana.” — Nieves (10:45)
• Cromwell’s execution was especially cruel: he was executed by a novice, requiring several blows (11:40–12:03).

6. ‘Photoshop’ in Royal Portraits: Not Just Henry (12:15–13:44)

• Nieves recounts two Spanish precedents where royal portraits were “touched up” to make unattractive brides or grooms more appealing.
  • Fernando VI & Bárbara de Bragança: The Portuguese princess’s portrait omitted her pockmarked face; the Spanish prince hid the image out of pity after seeing the real (beautified) version.
  • Fernando VII & María Antonia de Nápoles: This time, the Spanish side flattered the prince’s looks; his bride was reportedly shocked at his appearance upon arrival.
• “Cuando el príncipe Fernando vio el retrato, lo escondió debajo del colchón porque dijo no se la podía mirar sin pena.” — Nieves (13:44)
• The takeaway: Both men and women suffered from over-optimistic royal “advertising.”

Memorable Quotes & Notable Moments

• On Henry VIII’s Notoriety:
  “Enrique VIII era un cacho carne con ojos, un tío monstruoso, sobrepasado de peso, un tío de 1.83 de altura...” — Nieves (01:40)

• On Political Marriages:
  “...necesitaba tener varios [herederos] por si acaso se iban cascando.” — Nieves (04:40)
  (On the high child mortality and dynastic desperation.)

• On Royal Portraits:
  “Hans Holbein el Joven... estaba empadronado en la corte inglesa... No entiendo cómo salvó el cuello después de haber hecho el retrato de Ana de Cleveris...” — Nieves (06:49)

• On Historical Irony:
  “Alguien tenía que pagar la cagada con este matrimonio. Y la pagó el que lo propuso, Thomas Crowell.” — Nieves (09:58)

• On Overusing Portrait Retouching:
  “El caso de Ana de Cleveris y el Photoshop en su retrato. Digo yo que no sería el único, ¿no?” — Marta (12:15)

• On Gender Equality in ‘Catfishing’:
  “Además viene bien para que no quede la cosa en que las feas eran ellas.” — Marta (13:46)
  “Tenía lo suyo. Madre mía.” — Nieves, on Fernando VII (13:54)

Important Segment Timestamps

• 00:56 — Introducción a la figura de Enrique VIII y sus esposas
• 04:15 — Contexto político: por qué casarse con Anna de Cleves
• 06:39 — El papel clave del pintor Hans Holbein
• 08:34 — El desencuentro entre Enrique y Ana; fracaso matrimonial
• 09:58 — La caída de Thomas Cromwell, cabeza de turco
• 12:15 — Otros casos históricos de “Photoshop” en retratos reales
• 13:46 — Ejemplo inverso: cuando la trampa fue al revés, cortesía de Fernando VII

Tone and Style

• Irreverent, satirical, and vivid. Nieves demonstrates a distinctive knack for making history feel relatable and modern, drawing cheeky analogies (“el cuarto Rey Mago de las finanzas...” — a jab at Juan Carlos I), acknowledging royal foibles, and emphasizing the timelessness of certain human follies.
• The episode is dense with fun asides and sharp historical comparison, leavened with Spanish idioms and sly references to current events and living royals.

Conclusion

This episode uses the failed marriage of Henry VIII and Anne of Cleves to illustrate how beauty standards, political urgency, and manipulated images could ruin—or at least greatly complicate—royal plans. As Nieves wittily demonstrates, “Photoshop” might be a modern term, but image manipulation in the service of power is as old as monarchy itself.

Recommended for:
Listeners who love witty, accessible history, and who enjoy hearing the foibles of the powerful hilariously exposed.