Validation and Red Flags | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu (Replay)

Summary

Impact Theory Podcast with Tom & Lisa Bilyeu (Replay) – Episode Summary Episode Title: Validation and Red Flags | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu (Replay) Release Date: May 3, 2024

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Episode Overview

This episode of Impact Theory features an open, candid Q&A on the complexities of relationships, self-validation, red flags, trust, ambition, and working through major life decisions as a couple. Tom and Lisa Bilyeu tackle audience questions with humor, vulnerability, and the hard-won wisdom of their own long-term partnership. Through real-life stories and actionable advice, they demystify common relationship struggles like the need for validation, differing ambitions, building trust, and navigating difficult topics like choosing not to have children. Their discussion is grounded in empathy, personal experience, and a commitment to emotional honesty.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Validation in Relationships: Whose Job Is It?

(01:44 – 10:44)

• Question from Listener: "My boyfriend tells me it isn't his job to validate me. Is this a red flag?"
• Lisa’s Perspective: Agrees that primary validation must come from within, but acknowledges the importance of partners supporting each other—especially in down moments.
  • "If I turn to you and I say, look, I'm feeling really down right now... One, you’re always going to be honest with me. So if you actually think that I'm slacking, you’ll phrase it in a way that makes me feel good and motivated... But on a day-to-day basis, I actually think the boyfriend’s right." [03:43]
• Tom’s Analysis: Outlines two plausible scenarios:
  1. The partner needs too much external validation due to insecurity—dangerous, as it’s unsustainable.
  2. The boyfriend is unsupportive, and that's a genuine red flag.
  • "If the person is in that mode and they're not making you feel safe... If you ever use that weapon [vulnerability] against them. In my definition, you’re a dick." [07:18]
  • Advocates for creating emotional safety where vulnerability is protected, emphasizing self-responsibility first in problem analysis.
• Insight: Start by assuming one’s own responsibility, but also assess if the relationship dynamic is genuinely eroding self-esteem.

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2. Trust Issues and Emotional Baggage

(11:13 – 18:47)

• Listener Comment: “I've had huge trust issues to break through. I've been making progress. It's about me, not anyone else.”
• Tom on Approaching Trust: Trust must be earned, approached case-by-case. Don't let past traumas harden you too much, but don't ignore warning signs. Use "rules of engagement" to create safe spaces for vulnerability.
  • "Remember, you don't divorce the same person that you marry, which I've always found fascinating." [15:02]
• Lisa’s Reflection: Shares her own journey from an emotionally abusive past relationship to learning to trust Tom fully, triggered by the moment of saying "I love you."
• Tom on Vulnerability: The importance of remaining open to love, despite the inevitability of being hurt.

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3. Choosing Not to Have Kids and Societal Judgment

(25:58 – 31:07)

• Listener Asks: “Do you ever hear that you are selfish for not having or wanting to have kids?”
• Lisa’s Candid Share: Discusses her Greek upbringing, societal/familial expectations, and how making the choice not to have children required self-acceptance and courage amid outside judgment.
  • "I actually think it is selfish of me... but I don't think that's a problem. People who want children are doing it for themselves. So isn't that technically selfish?" [30:09]
• Tom’s Take: Reinforces that it is selfish—and that’s okay—and urges listeners to “live your best selfish life.”

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4. Financial Insecurity and Shame in Relationships

(31:21 – 36:45)

• Listener’s Dilemma: Feeling embarrassed to pursue a relationship because of lack of financial stability.
• Tom: Strongly rejects tying self-worth to current financial status—everyone is always a work in progress. Encourages inviting the partner in on the journey and focusing on character, shared goals, and mutual support.
  • "You're not some final product. So bring that person in, man. Let them be a part of that journey." [33:58]
  • Highlights the lasting value of facing struggles together, not merely material provision.

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5. Ambition, Neglect, and Partner Support

(37:00 – 42:41)

• Listener Asks: “How do I convey the necessity of chasing my goals on a daily basis to my fiance as a positive reinforcement?”
• Tom’s Principle: Be clear about your non-negotiables early—his is ambition. Make time together “intoxicating enough” to balance out work drive.
  • "You can ask me to give up anything you want. Anything except my ambition. It's the one thing you can't ever take from me..." [37:22]
• Lisa: Stresses importance of openly communicating needs without assuming intent ("Does he love you? Then he's just oblivious, not uncaring.") and speaking up when feeling neglected.
• Shared Insight: Both partners must actively manage and communicate competing needs of drive vs. quality time.

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6. Emotional Venting vs. Negativity Spiral

(43:02 – 49:33)

• Listener Asks: What to do when one partner vents and interprets the world emotionally, making the other feel it’s their fault?
• Tom’s Admission: He struggles not to “fix” things and to just listen empathetically rather than offer solutions.
  • "I just want to solve the problem, and it drives me mad. If you're really negative on something, because I'm so worried that, like, that will spin into this, like, permanent..." [44:00]
• Lisa: Sometimes, she just wants Tom to acknowledge her feelings—like in "Sex and the City"—rather than “fix.” But recognizes the risks of two people spiraling into negativity.
  • "Sometimes I just want you to be in it with me just for this one moment." [45:18]
• Both: Acknowledge this as an ongoing, imperfect process that requires active negotiation and awareness.

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7. Finding The One—Is There a Right Way?

(49:57 – 51:12)

• Listener’s Question: “I feel ready to meet the one. I'm impatient. What's the best method?”
• Tom & Lisa: Both advocate for online dating, treated as a ‘numbers game’, with a clear process of filtering and gradually escalating commitment.
  • "It is a numbers game. It is about meeting people, but using, you know, like, essentially FAQ to, like, weed through people to get to the ones that you want." [50:15]

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8. Secret Couple Signals

(51:21 – 54:07)

• Listener Asks: “Any secret signals to each other when you're out in public?”
• Lisa: Their 'secret code' is speaking Greek. Also use humor and pop culture cues (e.g., “mistletoe” from the film Four Christmases) to signal when they're ready to leave.
• Tom: Admits sometimes forgetting the code when in London, where everyone actually speaks Greek.

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9. Helping a Partner Change Unhealthy Habits

(54:15 – 64:49)

• Listener Asks: “How would you approach helping change your partner’s unhealthy habit? For example, eating too much sugar.”
• Tom: The issue can be highly sensitive—emphasizes unconditional support first (“making sure they know you’ll love them no matter what”). Changes should be identity- and goal-based, not about shame or pressure. Suggests a shared journey (workouts, dietary changes) and introducing "cheat days" for moderation.
  • "Play the long game. Like, you can’t ever pressure somebody... Don't try to make that change in a week. Don't try to make it in one conversation." [61:52]
• Lisa: Building trust that love is not conditional on weight is critical. Positive reinforcement for any improvements, and making habit changes a team effort.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Validation:
  "It isn't his job to validate her. But... one of the most important foundational elements is to make the other person feel better about themselves when they're around you than they do when you're not." —Tom [05:42]

• On Self-Work:
  "Just always assume it’s your fault. If you start with 'Okay, this is my bad, I'm being overly sensitive'... then you can accurately maybe assess the other part." —Tom [08:27]

• On Trust:
  "People will tell you who they are whether they intend to or not. So if somebody comes into the relationship and they're bad mouthing their ex... just assume that's exactly how they will be about you when you break up." —Tom [15:02]

• On Marriage Commitment:
  "Love is brain chemistry. Commitment is a choice." —Tom [19:44]

• On Not Having Kids:
  "Once we had kind of decided... I became very, like, okay with it. And that was, you know, something that I was definitely confident in. It took me about a year to admit it, and then by the time I admitted it, I was like, you know what? Why do I let other people's opinions affect me?" —Lisa [29:06]

• On Shame About Money:
  "You're not some final product... Let them be a part of that journey." —Tom [33:58]

• On Ambition and Relationships:
  "You can ask me to give up anything you want. Anything except my ambition." —Tom [37:22]

• On Changing Habits:
  "Play the long game... If I've done for a year... your way, and then I say, it's important to me to start hitting the weights... you would be—like, that would be quite sinister on your part to not then reciprocate." —Tom [62:53]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Validation and Red Flags: [01:44 – 10:44]
• Trust Issues: [11:13 – 18:47]
• Saying "I Love You" & Vulnerability: [16:11 – 18:44]
• Commitment and "Divorce" as a Red Line: [19:02 – 23:10]
• Not Having Kids: [25:58 – 31:07]
• Financial Insecurity: [31:21 – 36:45]
• Ambition vs. Relationship Needs: [37:00 – 42:41]
• Negativity and Emotional Processing: [43:02 – 49:33]
• Impatient to Meet 'The One': [49:57 – 51:12]
• Couple's Secret Signals: [51:21 – 54:07]
• Helping Change Partner's Habits: [54:15 – 64:49]

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Final Takeaways

• Self-validation is crucial, but your partner should help create a safe, supportive environment.
• Trust must be built actively, with clear communication and personal responsibility.
• Don’t let external judgments define your major life choices; self-acceptance is key.
• Partnerships thrive on honest communication about needs, priorities, and ambitions.
• Long-term change requires empathy, patience, and positive reinforcement, not pressure or shame.
• Play the long game in supporting each other’s growth, and celebrate progress, however small.

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This episode is a masterclass in conscious, thoughtful partnership, packed with relatable stories and practical advice. Tom and Lisa’s dynamic—marked by vulnerability, humor, and mutual respect—offers a compelling model for navigating the thorniest aspects of love and life together.

Transcript

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[Tom Bilyeu]

today you're listening to the Impact Theory podcast, your source of empowering ideas and actionable techniques from the world's highest achievers. Join host Tom Bilyeu, serial entrepreneur and co founder of the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition, on a journey to unlock your potential and realize your vision of success. Welcome to Impact Theory. Hey everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to our Facebook Live episode of Relationship Theory. I'm your co host Tom Bilyeu and

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I am here with Lisa Billye.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, buddy. And we're going to be talking relationships, taking your questions as always. All right, let's get right into it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, let's get right into it. So this is a question from last week's episode on YouTube and I need to get more social. Like I don't really go and make. I know you hate it. I don't really comment often. I get very busy and sadly, in fact, not sadly, I don't prioritize it and I really start. Should start to. But this caught my eye so much that actually responded saying how much I love the question.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wow, this really must be a question and a half then.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So this is the first question. This is from Kayla Wilburn on YouTube and she says my boyfriend tells me it isn't his job to validate me. Is this a red flag? Flag. I love this question.

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right, well, why don't you break.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I love it because I think we're gonna have different answers.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Very interesting. All right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Or at least an adaptation. I think you'll probably. Yeah. Adapt my answer a bit.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I'll adapt your answer. I'm not sure how to take that. Well, because you're saying I bite your Answers? Is that what we're saying?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

No. Okay. So, yeah. So it isn't his job to validate me with the question is, do you validate yourself? Right. Do you have self confidence and are you strong enough within yourself that you can take, let's say, outside criticism in general? The problem is, I remember I used to look at you and almost the same thing like, want validation of am I pretty, am I smart enough, am I doing a good job? Like I would turn to you for that. And I remember you basically turned around to me one day and was like, you need to find that within yourself because you need to feel that on a basically day to day basis. And I can't remember the exact words that you used, but after us talking through it, it made sense, right? Because if you're having a bad day, if you're distracted, if you're just pissed off, whatever the situation may be, if you turn around and you say something that you know is flippant to you, you don't think about it. But then I take it to heart. And now I base my validation on what you're saying to me. It's a downward spiral. I think it's super dangerous. But. But I think it's also very important that you are there to lift me up when I need it. Right. If I turn to you and I say, look, I'm feeling really down right now, or I'm really struggling right now, and I turn to you for like, hey, am I doing a good job? One, you're always going to be honest with me. So if you actually think that I'm slacking, you'll phrase it in a way that makes me feel good and motivated. But then you'll be like, okay, this is what she needs for me as my, you know, as the husband, she's looking for this. But on a day to day basis, I actually think the boyfriend's right. I think that you need to find validation in yourself and not seek it from other people.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Respect. So I'm gonna adapt your answer. Now. Here's the truth from my perspective. And if I could watch their relationship for an hour, I would tell you what the real answer is. And I actually don't know who's right and who's wrong. So to your point, everybody has to find that within themselves. And he is right that it isn't his job to validate her. But if I were watching their relationship, I'd be able to tell if she is in a state of an inflamed deep limbic system where it's like everything is perceived as negative, which is always dangerous. That if you're not able to accurately sort of assess a situation and figure out whether the input is actually negative or if you're just perceiving it as negative, if it's neutral or if it's positive. So she may be, like you said, feeling very insecure, not have the stability inside. She's turning to him for the external validation he probably gave it in the beginning. This is sort of theory A because I think there's two equally plausible theories. Theory A, um, this is somebody who just hasn't found that within themselves external forces have been allowed to create a very unstable sort of internal representation of herself. And thusly she needs the feedback externally. Super dangerous position to be in. You're never gonna have self esteem, you're never gonna have self confidence. Cause you're always looking to the outside world. Okay, that's option one. Let's say that he supported her in the beginning of that. And then over time it begins to wear on him to always have to be that external validation. And so in a moment of fatigue, you know, let's say three years into a relationship or whatever, he blurts out it's not my job to valid. Okay, that's very plausible theory A. Very plausible theory B is he's a dick and it is a red flag. And it is in a relationship. I believe one of the most important foundational elements is to make the other person feel better about themselves when they're around you than they do when you're not. And so what starts as a confident person slowly erodes over time. I'm actually reading Laila Ali's biography right now in preparation for tomorrow's interview. And that's something like watching that happen to her where she'll make an initial, let's say, I think she would agree, poor choice in the person that she brings into her world. But there's an initial flurry of excitement and romance and that person does make her feel better. But then over time they, in small ways and then sort of escalating into grand ways, they begin to erode her and chip away at her self confidence. And by doing things that at least in the retelling paint them in, in a. A parasitic light I guess is the only way. Like I'm not even saying that they're intentionally trying to hurt her. It's just their behavior is one sided, it's very selfish and it takes and takes and takes without ever giving. So if the person is in that mode and they're not Making you feel safe. I think that's so big to create a safe space for each other emotionally where the person can be vulnerable, that's accepted as sort of a sacred space that you're not going to use that against them later. That's something we talked about either last episode or a couple episodes ago, where if you create a space where the other person can be vulnerable, they can tell you something that they're deeply concerned about and they have the courage to say it out loud. They've given you a weapon that you can use against them. If you ever use that weapon against them. In my definition, you're a dick.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Is it done? It's done in the relationship.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I mean, look, I think there's going to be slip ups like beat, cheat, right? Those are always your two big things. There was never the. And if you use this against me in the future, because there have been times where I've said something, you're like, whoa, that really stung that you use that. And I thought, oh my God, like I totally get what you're saying now. Not at all my intention. So I won't put that like in the cardinal sin category. But like if it's repeated behavior, you're going to make that person insecure and then they're going to need that validation even more. So it's like, how do you, like, let's say that she is a completely deep limbic systems not inflamed. She's able to accurately perceive negative, neutral, positive. And she is looking for a safe space. She's looking to be vulnerable and to not have those weapons used against her. And they are occasionally either intentionally or unintentionally being used against her. The space becomes unsafe. Like then I get how we reach this moment where she's like, hey, I'm sure she never said I need you to validate me, but I would understand how the behavior becomes like, I'm looking for that thing in this relationship, right? Because here's where I think people really get in trouble. There's so much momentum and what is the right word? It's not logistics, but there's like connective tissue in a relationship. You're living together, maybe you have kids, the finances are intermingled. It really does become very, very difficult to just tell someone, hey, extract yourself from the relationship like it's, it's a ball. So there's certainly going to be this period where you're going to try to work it out, even if it's sort of hopelessly gone. So I can also imagine that scenario. So it really does come down to being super objective. And because each of those scenarios are so plausible, this is why I tell people, just always assume it's your fault. Because if you start with, okay, this is my bad, I'm being overly sensitive, I'm asking this person to essentially be my externalized self esteem, which is exhausting for anybody to have to be. And you process through that and get to the end of that rainbow and go, that really just isn't it. Then you can accurately maybe assess the other part and begin to extract yourself from the relationship or make behavior or changes on the other person's part. But if you don't at least start with this is all my fault and really comb through your behaviors what you're building your self esteem around. Why, like, you're insecure. Like, for me to think about how long you would have to like chip away at me before you could actually damage my self esteem. And I've given you a lot of things with which to damage my self esteem. Like you would know those things to cut right through me. But at the same time, I understand human psychology, my own and others well enough to be inoculated from some of that. Usually at the end of a relationship, certainly with somebody that get spiteful, they're going to try to cut you in those moments. So I've been through that enough to go objectively, that doesn't damage me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. Wow. I could actually really keep going on about that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Seems a good question, right?

[Tom Bilyeu]

That's a great question.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. So many different.

[Tom Bilyeu]

But I wish we could like throw up on the screen and say, hey, look at there. This is the relationship in reality. And it's a push pull and it's both people. But at the end of the day, you've got to want to work through it and really sit down and be emotionally sober and talk through the problems without getting wound up, as you would say. And at this point I would say,

[Lisa Bilyeu]

all right, next question. So Ellen Elton says, I've had huge trust issues to break through. I've been making progress. It's about me, not anyone else. Yeah, I guess that's more of a statement. That was a topic. Sorry, I was like, there's no question mark at the end of it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So how about, how do you get over your own trust issues? Is that where we're headed with that?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah,

[Tom Bilyeu]

Well, I think one, it's important to note that some people aren't worthy of trust. But you have to take people on a case by case basis. And this is something that I think about, you know, when you hear other people's stories and something calamitous has happened to them, and you get how they find themselves in a difficult position or even just people that find themselves single in their, you know, mid-30s or early-40s or Jesus later. And at that point, you've had so many experiences. How do you come to meet any person with a freshness, a lightness? And while I won't say that I could answer that question from a relationship perspective, I can tell you guys how we did it from a personality perspective. So business has hardened us both. I think that's fair. I wanted it to toughen me up, so that's probably even more dangerous. And then we began to detect in each other's personality, like, a lack of lightness, levity, if you will. And so we really had to process through that and talk about how we bring that. That sort of lightness. God, what other word? Childlike. Like, when somebody is just enthralled by life, they're upbeat, they're passionate, they're excitable. Like, there is a lightness. That's the perfect word. I don't have anything better to it. To them, there's. God, it's not frivolous. There is a word for this, but I am totally blanking on it right now. And we had to engineer that back into our lives because as we got toughened by business, as you get burned by a thousand different things and people and moments, that it does begin to steel you against things. And I think that that is useful, but only to a point. So I would say in a relationship, you. You have to watch out for that. You have to be able to approach a new person, not foolishly, not foolhardly. You don't throw yourself into, you know, love and move in after a week. I mean, that's not what I'm saying. But you do need to be able to say, this is a person. Their brain is plastic. They can change. So even if they have been a negative influence in somebody else's life, if they have been somebody unworthy of trust in the past, like, is this somebody that I'm interested in enough that we can grow together and process through this and talk through it, define things that are meaningful to us from a trust perspective. And I think that it, you know, it's going to be a little bit slow in the beginning. You can't ask somebody to be totally vulnerable with you on day one, you know, so it takes time. But I think you focus on the mechanics, create a safe space Create rules. If you tell me anything in confidence, like, I'll just tell you this right now. If my wife were to cheat on me, I would still never reveal your secrets. You know what I mean? And like, so.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But that's like an idea I was about to say. That's because that's not who you are.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And to sink to other people's levels when they treat you badly isn't who you are as a human being. So I think in those moments, that's when you're tested because it's very easy to say I'm never gonna, you know, I don't believe in payback and, you know, getting somebody because they've done me wrong. But it's very different when you're feeling that emot. And that's. Yeah, that's not who you are.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. So I think that at the end of the day, if you have trust issues that you have to process through, you have to remember that not everybody's the same. That you need to create the space for people to earn that trust, not make it an impossible bar to get over that it is a reciprocal thing that you're literally rules of engagement. And we have rules of engagement in our relationship. I think every relationship needs them. I think you need to tell somebody your expectations in terms of like, hey, if I'm going to tell you something, I want to make sure that this isn't going to be used against me. And then people will. People will tell you who they are whether they intend to or not. So if somebody comes into the relationship and they're bad mouthing their ex and they're talking all kinds of shit, then just assume that that's exactly how they will be about you when you break up. So remember, you don't divorce the same person that you marry, which I've always found fascinating. And the moment I heard that, I committed to myself that I would be the same person in any relationship when it was going well and when it was going poorly. And so obviously I hope to never experience that or have to prove that in our relationship. But I've had other relationships in which I've been able to prove that to myself and. And so just see how people are.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. I remember when we first met and you came to England and I think we were dating for a couple of months. And the day you left, that's like, you know, not to put words in your mouth, but that you said that's the day you realized that you were in love with me. And I remember you had returned back to England. And Sor Returned back to America. And I was in England, and you called me and told me that you love me. And for me, that was. It was that word that was like, if I say it back, I have to be 100% in this relationship, so I have to trust you 100%. And because I'd had a previous boyfriend in a long relationship that wasn't a nice human being. He was emotionally abusive and just an, you know, not a very nice guy. So when you had said that, I had told myself, if I say it back, this is when I'm going to give my hundred percent. I'm not just going to say it back and, you know, still not trust you. Like, that was kind of my. At least in my head. That was my rule the next time I say I love you, but I have to give it my all in that relationship. So, yeah, like, that was. Once I said it back, I was like, I'm going to trust you, knowing that it's very possible you're going to hurt me. Whatever. So.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, I mean, you bring up a good point. So one of the things that I think is most beautiful in a relationship. And look, I get it, this is advanced class stuff, and so this is very dangerous, but one of the most beautiful things in a relationship is having been hurt in the past, knowing that you will be hurt again in the future, and still putting yourself out there and still being open and still loving. So, for instance, I mean, obviously, we all know that I want to live forever, but I'm not retarded. I understand that there's a very real chance that one or both of us don't make the cutoff. And so. So that even if we don't get. Even if we were to never separate, I actually have a really hard time saying the word divorce. Like, I have so ingrained it in my head. So even if we were to separate, for whatever reason, you got emotional, and that totally distracted me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Sorry.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, just it, like, caught me by surprise. So. And I promise it happened one time in an interview, and I didn't say anything, and then I kicked myself later. So I don't even remember what I was saying.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I don't even remember either. I think we need to move on to the next question. Oh. Do you remember what you were gonna say?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Just about. I think it was. I don't. My wife got emotional. She never gets emotional. All right. So, yeah, I never. I'm weird about the word divorce. I don't make jokes. I don't talk about it. So, yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And the whole movie.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I could find it again, but it would take me a while.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. All right, never mind. Okay.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Sorry. To those listening to the podcast who can't see that your eyes got a little glassy there.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay, this question is from Tracy Scott.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Why did that make you emotional? I guess we should finish at least that thought.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Why did you not say the fact

[Tom Bilyeu]

that I won't say the word divorce?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. Because you, you. I love that you have that hard line. Like sometimes you say things to me. Like, you tease me a lot. And depending on what emotional mood I'm in, I don't want to be teased. And so sometimes if you tease me and it's just hit me wrong. Yeah, it just. Like that's the one thing you never tease me about. That's the one thing. Because it holds so strong in your heart that you just never. You never joke about it. You never tease me. And that, that little thing just. I don't know, it just really always shows me how much you love me. To not be cheesy.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, no need to be cheesy. The interesting thing is that for me, that isn't about love. That's about commitment. And there's a reason that I delineate. So when I got ritualistically scarred for our wedding, there was a reason that I separated those two things. In fact, I even separated passion from that. So it's important to me to acknowledge that love is brain chemistry. Commitment is a choice. Right. And so.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, but.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And I don't want to unromanticize it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Also, even just our commitment in our marriage, we would never stay married if we couldn't make it work.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Totally agree. But what I want people to understand is that if you know that love is brain chemistry, then you have to learn to take control of your brain chemistry and learn to recapture and recreate moments to make you feel that because it won't happen accidentally, it's like happiness. Happiness and love are very similar in that sense that if you don't work at it, it's not going to happen. Right. So love also goes through phases and, you know, the, the. There's an element of surprise at the beginning of a relationship that you can't ever recapture as you go. And so how do you shift surprise to shared experience? Right. And that, like, understanding that to me is, I think, really, really important. Again, this is master level class stuff. But like, understanding that, understanding how to affect your brain chemistry to refeel that sense of love and understand how not saying the word divorce to me is about commitment. And it's very deliberate choices that I'm making to make sure that, like, that shit is ironclad. It's on a super solid foundation. That the reason that I don't tease you about that is even though it's lighthearted and it's fun, it's like there have to be some things that are sacrosanct. Like the people are weird about me swearing, right? So if you have kids in the car, plug their ears. I love to swear, right? To say fuck or whatever because it impacts other people. If it didn't, if those words weren't special, if they weren't meant to be kept locked away and used only in very limited quantity, they would have no power. And. But like, in a foreign. You could tell me a swear word in a foreign language. It will have no impact on me because it's in my mind. There's nothing to it. It carries no weight. It carries no power. By giving divorce power and then locking it away in this box and making it this thing, it's like, it keeps me focused. It brings power to it. And in creating that power, it's like there's almost like a magnetic repellent effect to it that keeps me like, you just don't bring that out casually because then it's just planted in your mind. It's like this, okay thing. And I've had, because it's become so prevalent in society as like a possible go to scenario, I wanted to lock it away to make it like Voldemort, that thing that shall not be named, to make sure that it carried the power that it really is. I mean, that is like, when I think about how destructive that would be in our lives, like, yeah, that's crazy. And I'm not saying, by the way, that that isn't the right answer. If you became a psycho or I became a psycho, like, you should divorce me. I'm just saying, like, it should be recognized as the powerful and terrifying thing that it is.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And it's those little things that make me trust you so much and, you know, give everything. Is that you. You have these little, like, rules in your head of how to. How to make me feel or maybe, yeah, I'm not sure how to.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I'm not sure where you're headed, but I do have.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But it's those, like, for instance, like, I trust you 100, right? I never, I've said this before. I never check your phone. I've seen many women flirt with you because of Quest Nutrition. You get a lot of female fans. But I I. I've never once got jealous. It's never once bothered me. And in fact, I've even said to you sometimes, like, oh, well done, babe, you still got it, like as a joke. But it's still, I've never doubted your love for me. And when people say, oh, you're so lucky, it's really, it's these little things like what you just said about the word divorce. It's the little thing. Not necessarily little, but you getting a tattoo. It's all these things that you've done over, you know, almost 16, 17 years of our relationship that has allowed me to give my hundred percent and not worry or have mistrust with you.

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[Tom Bilyeu]

No, for sure. And I mean, look, obviously that's a two way street and it's something that we built together and didn't have it all at day one by any stretch of the imagination, but have put a lot of effort into it. And one of the things just for anybody watching, like how to figure out your own rules, find the things that make you feel bad and make sure that you don't do that to the other person. Right. So I just knew I wanted to feel safe. Well then if I want to feel safe, I better make you feel safe. And if I want to feel loved, I better make you feel.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But you say that because I was going to get tattoo with your name on and you didn't want me to.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, but that's like a personal thing. So I'm just not huge into. Oh, this hate mail is coming my way. I'm not big into women with tattoos. Personal thing.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Personal things.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Not my shtick.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I love tattoos.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right. I really want to get to some questions because there's a lot of people asking, so let's, let's start getting through them. Tracy Scott. Yeah, what's up?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Tracy, if only you could see Cindy's face right now. Cindy's grinning ear to ear.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay, on the note of not having kids, do you ever hear that you are selfish for not having or wanting to have kids? I hear it often. And don't really have any idea how to respond. Any thoughts?

[Tom Bilyeu]

I have thoughts.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So I think, obviously there's a lot more pressure on me than there is you. Growing up in a Greek family, it was just assumed you'd get married and you'd have kids immediately. I remember when I first said to you, like, because we were like, planning out our future, okay, we'll move to la, this will be the day, and blah, blah. And I think I even said, and, you know, in about a year we'll have kids. And you're like, what? You were, like, horrified, because I guess again, it was just my culture. I just. I didn't even ask the question. It was just. I just went along with it, which is terrible, but. And you're like, no, like, we're still young. I want to enjoy you. I want to really, like, drink you in. Let's have, you know, we should have some years of it just being us. And so I was okay with that. And. But as we started getting, or especially you started getting a lot more ambitious, driven, your mindset was just completely changing. We would discuss it more and more, like, is this the right time? Is this the right time? And it wasn't until I actually started. We started quests and I started working at the company that I found myself. So once I realized, I don't know, like, I'm so loving what I'm doing, I'm growing as a woman, as a businesswoman, I'm learning so much. We then had the discussion on whether we were going to have kids or not. And once we had kind of decided, because it's quite a long story, I don't know how much detail to go into, but once we'd actually decided to not have kids because of the ambition and because we wanted to do, it was hard for me to admit it to certain women because I knew I would be judged. And so, yeah, that was tough. And so it took me about a year, I think, after we had decided to not have kids. And I guess the reason why we decided to not have kids is we had the honest discussion of what would that look like, right? What would our lives be like if we had children? You're my number one. I'm your number one right now. And so if I had children, you become my number two just by. Because. Right. That's instinctual. The woman has to, like, focus and take care of the child. And you didn't want to be my number two. And then I started to analyze what our lives would be like from the other side of things, where you're going to work every day. You're extremely ambitious. You work 12, 13, 14, 15 hours a day, like every day. So now you come home, you're gonna want to see the children. So now I have to obviously share you. And look, I'm being very candid here. And I know that some people may not like, you know, but I will have to share you with the children. So now I may get 30 minutes with you, right? If you think about how much you work, like even now, I don't get 30 minutes. But it would be important to me that you were a good father. And so it's not that I wouldn't want you to spend that time with the children. It's just that would be the reality. And so then we analyze what would that life look like? I would be at home because I don't want to be. And this is just a personal preference. I don't want to be a part time mother. I would want to raise them. And so I'm at home all day. I'm not working with you. We're not growing together. We're not building what we're building together. You're coming home, I'm barely seeing you. And we just said, that's not, you know, the life we really want. And so once we decided that, I became very, like, okay with it. And that was, you know, something that I was definitely confident in. It took me about a year to admit it, and then by the time I admitted it, I was like, you know what? Why do I let other people's opinions affect me? Why? Why is it. Why is it not okay for me to decide to have. To not have children, but it's okay for other people to have children? Like, there's such judgment on that. And some people, I guess, see me as being less of a woman if I'm not. If I don't have children. It is so going back to your thing, Tracy. I actually think it is selfish of me. I'm doing it because I want to, but I don't think that's a problem. That's the. Fine. Yeah, that was my final thought. I don't think it's a problem. It is selfish because I'm putting myself first. But people who want children are doing it for themselves. So isn't that technically selfish? I think it is, but it's not a bad thing. So I'd say you need to be confident in owning your decision. And if people are going to judge you, then maybe they're not the right people to have in your lives.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Words yeah. My answer is literally, it's selfish. It's amazing. Like, be selfish. Live your life. It doesn't matter. Like, whether we have kids or not does not impact other than your mom, my mom, your dad, my dad. I guess they could sort of, like, be pissed because it directly impacts their lives, but that's why they had multiple kids. Place your bet on one of the other ones. But, you know, I. It is selfish. I don't see a problem with that. Go live your best selfish life. Word. What's the next question?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, this is from Olavi Ohola.

[Tom Bilyeu]

We have some of the best names in our community.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I know. And I'm always. I'm really bad being Greek. I would think that I'd be able to read weird names all the time because Greek names are just.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You should be able to read 30 syllables or longer. For sure.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, that's true. Hey, Tom and Lisa, I want to ask both of your opinions on this situation. You've met this dream person you want to spend the rest of your life with, but you don't want to yet. Want to yet because you're ashamed or embarrassed that you don't have the financial freedom to give her the whole wide world, homie.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Say what? Yeah, that's my answer.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

If she doesn't, she's not already into you for.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I actually, I literally don't understand this. This sounds like madness to me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Why?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Because it isn't about giving the person money. Like, that never crossed my mind. Like, is a serious thing.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

They clearly have their own shame, right?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. But, like, that's what I'm saying. Like, you're a work in progress. Human beings are all like, until the day you die, you're in the middle of your journey. So to. That's what I don't get. Like, people look at where they are today, and I'm not sure where what age this sets in at. Like, maybe after college. But, like, people begin to have the sense that who I am today. So up until let's call it 22, 23, people have the sense of I'm building to become something. And then at 22, 23, they think I am that thing. And I will perpetually be that thing now forever. So if you look at the beginning of their life, it's like all these things. They knowingly acquiring skills, becoming something, trying to get good at this, this phase, that phase. And then they think the vast majority of their life now is this end. And, like, that's so dangerous because one day becomes the next, becomes the Next becomes the next, and it's 40, 50 years down the line, and you've not put the same effort and energy into changing and becoming something different. So when I met you, it was like, okay, sure, I'm broke today. I don't have a job today. Your father's not very impressed with me today. Obviously, I get that. But this isn't. Like, I don't even think of the person that I am now. Like, I can easily. You know me, I could flip a switch right now and be embarrassed by what we have, okay? The rest of the world will think me an intolerable asshole, and I get that from their perspective, but it would be very easy. And, in fact, I do. I spend 20% of my time with that flip switched. Switch flipped. Switch flipped. With that switch flipped, I'm the one

[Lisa Bilyeu]

that doesn't know the difference between heat, cedar, and sea.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, fair enough. So I spend 20% of my time with that switch flipped so that I'll stay hungry and stay pushing and totally dissatisfied and always moving forward. So I think that people just really, really have to understand that you're not some final product. So bring that person in, man. Let them be a part of that journey. Yeah, absolutely.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

About to say that. Like, that's actually exciting. Like, if she can get on board and you guys are really meant to be, you know, with.

[Tom Bilyeu]

There is no meant to be. Sorry I had to say that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But I just mean, like, if. If he really feels like she's the one and she feels the same, this is an awesome experience for you guys to go through together. Like, you shouldn't be ashamed, and you shouldn't be embarrassed, and you really should see the joy in going through it together. Like, I love. I love the fact that we built this together. Right? I love the fact that I. You made. You know, we got to a point where we had to collect coupons, clip coupons, you know, and that was a decision we both made, and that was something that was, like, super exciting for. Actually found joy in it. Like, I know it sounds weird, but I was actually excited at the time, like, to be a part of this journey. And, yeah, I guess because we always had our sights set on the big goal, we just found the joy in it. So, yeah, I would say don't be embarrassed. Don't be ashamed.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Invite them in. My thing is, there's one thing I guess I would be a little embarrassed by. If you have a fixed mindset, I would try to get out of that as fast as possible. Beyond that, I wouldn't be Too embarrassed about anything. I forget who said it, but this is such an awesome quote. There's two things you should never, ever, ever worry about, be embarrassed by, be ashamed of anything. One, things you cannot change. And two, the things you can change. You should never be embarrassed or worry about either of those things. And that encompasses the entire world. So, yeah, like, the shared experience is the most amazing gift that we can ever have. To go through life with people that we love and care about. And if that ends up being a single person who you're really sharing your life with, even better. But, like, just having even a small group of friends or family or both that you can share this life with. Dude, that's the juice. It isn't about getting rich, I promise. Like, you're not going to get rich and be like, and now all my problems are solved. You're going to get rich and go, and now I don't have money problems. But all the other problems will be just the same. So invite that person in. Share with them who you really are. Make them feel good about themselves, and nothing else will matter. Remember, it is the rare person. In fact, no one ever, ever. And I'm thinking of 1929 right now. No one ever killed themselves because they didn't have money. People killed themselves because they thought the money said something about them. And they killed themselves because they no longer believed they could feel good about themselves. That's it. It isn't about money. So if you make that person feel good about themselves, if they feel better about themselves when they're around you than when they're not around you, they will cling to you. Like, this is one of those secrets of the universe I don't understand. Like, think about all the people that make you feel super good about yourself. You want to be around them. Make people feel good about themselves.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And that's the thing. This Olavi, he clearly loves her, right? He's saying, I want to give her the world, right? So, like, that is so strong and powerful, Way more powerful than actually giving her the. The money.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I'm with you.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, next question. This one is from Thomas Henriques. How do I convey the necessity of chasing my goals on a daily basis to my fiance as a positive reinforcement?

[Tom Bilyeu]

As a positive reinforcement. Those words mean something very specific to me that I'm not sure. So let's answer it this way. How do you get that person on board with the fact that you're ambitious and you're going to have to chase it? 1. I think rules of engagement are very important. So very early on in our relationship, I told my wife, you can ask me to give up anything you want. Anything except my ambition. It's the one thing you can't ever take from me, because that's fundamental to who I am as a human being. It is the thing that makes me feel most like me. It is when I come alive, is when I'm pursuing something with great and tremendous passion. So can't ever ask me to give up my ambition. So I would start with that. That also, remember, it's all about making the person feel safe, secure, loved. You want to make them feel better about themselves when they're with you than when they're not. Like, if you're doing all of that stuff, then the ambition, hopefully they will be able to see is a key part of who you are and what you're trying to become. And that while they're giving up time with you, the time that they do have with you is intoxicating enough that. That, you know, they want to go. I just have to say that's not an excuse to neglect somebody, which, by the way, I have been guilty of at times in my life. Four sh. And my wife has always been the one to say, and now I'm feeling neglected. And. Because she doesn't ever abuse that. Like, and I wonder how good you would say I am at this. But if she says, I'm feeling neglected, I'll drop whatever I'm doing. Because, like. Like, a, you never abuse it, and B, I know that I always run

[Lisa Bilyeu]

the risk, but there's that fine line, right? Because I think some people, the reason why I'm very comfortable in just saying, hey, I'm feeling neglected. This is what I need from you is because I always ask myself the. The fundamental question, does he love you? Right? Like, yes, he loves me. Okay? So he doesn't mean to neglect me. So I just need to bring it to your attention so we can fix it. Versus some people that may not say it out loud. Right? So now they're just judging that neglect on the. That they love me. Like, okay, they're neglecting me. So clearly they're not into me.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So I think making that difference in your mind about how, like, does he genuinely love you? And is he just oblivious to your needs? Yeah, it's very possible you're just oblivious to my needs right now because you don't know what I'm going through emotionally. So, yeah, I'm always saying, like, I just need. You don't often say that to me, though, that you're feeling neglected.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I'm not wired like that.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. You may actually just say, like, I want to cuddle.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like, you say that to me. But it's never really like. I think I put more pressure on myself that I'm neglecting you as a wife. In fact, I do.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You put way more pressure on yourself about not neglecting me than I put on you way more. We're doing all this, which is probably why I rarely feel neglected, because you're always trying to, like, do some little thing just.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But also though I think, though the little things I do, sometimes I know I'm doing it for me to make me feel like a good wife versus

[Tom Bilyeu]

then often telling yourself because you're stressing yourself the out.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Calm down.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like. So, for instance, small example I am with the house renovations. We've got, you know, like a shelf is our kitchen. And so I've got paper plates, plastic forks, and then I've got a couple of, like, proper dishes and stuff. I hate eating from paper plates. I really do. And so I can't bring myself to. I would rather wash them in the bathroom sink than eat out of paper plates. Now, the thing is, you think that's madness. I feel like I A, you're like, give me a paper plate and a plastic fork. I feel like such a bad wife when I'm coming to bring him food and I've got one lovely dish and like a proper knife and fork for myself.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And then I wife abuses me with paper plates.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like, I just feel bad, though. And so the other day, I don't think you even noticed I bought you a proper bowl.

[Tom Bilyeu]

A, I didn't notice. You want to talk about pearls on swine? I am the swine here. I. I don't. I don't. A, I don't even remember that. B, you could, like, switch swapped. Like, you've seen those studies where the person is, like, talking to somebody and a painting comes in between their field of view and then suddenly it's a different person and they don't even notice. You could, while I'm eating, replace a bowl with a paper plate. I would not notice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I know you would.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I would not notice.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But again, like, I'm actually very aware that I'm doing it to make me feel like a girl.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Which is fine. Totally.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So, yeah. But no, I don't have. You don't really say that to me like you're feeling neglected or.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, I mean, look, we all have something that we're just sort of naturally wired that's like Nice and beneficial. That is one of mine. Like, I'm just. I'm not. I'm not high maintenance like that. Like, I'm pretty relaxed and chilled. And then on top of that, you make me feel super secure and like, you're always looking out for me. And so I. Because of that, like, no neediness has a chance to build up over time. Because look, if I were in a relationship that made me feel insecure over enough time, I would either get out of it or start to feel needed. Needy. And feeling needy would probably be the first sign for me that this is seriously dysfunctional. I would address it immediately. And if we couldn't fix it, then that would be a good buy scenario for me because I just don't. I don't get it. I don't literally, I do not understand why people stay in a relationship where that person does not make you feel amazing. Like, a relationship is sacrifice. Why are you sacrificing if you don't get something way better on the other side? Like, I would just make. You'll never find me in a dysfunctional relationship ever. Like, I just. I don't have. I can't tolerate that shit. That's so crazy to me.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Me.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It's crazy town crazy.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. I don't play that game. With the blue cash everyday card, it's Easy to earn 3% cash back on groceries at U S supermarkets, U. S online retail purchases, and U. S gas stations. That's how we grow our family's little nest egg. Learn [e-mail] Explore BCE terms and cash back cap apply.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

All right, next question. This is from Chris Barry. What's up?

[Tom Bilyeu]

What's up, Chris Barry? This.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

What do you do when one person in relationship tends to vent negative negativity and interpret the world emotionally? And you have trouble not taking that personally because them sharing that even when not about you feels like it's your fault. Sorry for the awkward phrasing. Well, that's to reread it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, no, no. I totally get it. I totally get it. Here's the problem. I'm really. I am a frustrating partner for you on this one because, yes, I am. Like, I totally get it. And if I were giving. Let's say I was giving Jared advice, I could very. Jared, you just need to be there, bro. Like, you just need to listen. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to solve the problem. Like, they just want to be heard, man. And then I fuck that up virtually every time. I just want to solve the problem. And it drives me mad, like, if you're really negative on something, Because I'm so worried that, like, that will spin into, like, this, like, permanent.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Because you're gonna help me get.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. So I just want to, like, help you. Like, hey, like, reframe. Think of it this way. And you want to punch me in the face sometimes.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. And we've had that discussion. We've actually said to each other, like. And you even do this to me now, which in the emotional moment, even still, sometimes winds me up. But you're like, do you just want to be. Or do you want me to actually do something about, like, you? But when you're all worked up, you're

[Tom Bilyeu]

like, just let it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Like, you can't articulate it. But we do do that, right. And we've worked together to really refine that as well. Like, okay, is this the moment that you actually want me to fix it? Because sometimes it's. Yes. It's like, I'm having real problem. I need you to go handle it. And again, like, we try to articulate that. So there's no guesswork.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But there's this amazing scene. For anyone that watches Sex and the City, you'll know this. There's this one scene where Carrie and their neighbor, she's, like, going, they bought the apartment next door. And she's getting all worked up. And the boyfriend, Aiden, is just like, don't worry, don't worry. And she's getting really upset, really frantic. And then eventually he walks in. He's like, I'm fucking pissed. And she jumps for joy. She's like, thank you. Thank you. I just want you to be in it with me just for this one moment. And I love that scene so much because sometimes I just want you to do that, too.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. To be clear, you want me to be pissed when you're pissed?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I just. Just like, yes, that freaking sucks. And that is terrible. That's it. I don't need you to be pissed. I just want that.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Don't you backtrack now. No, but you want me to share that emotion, which I am terrible at, by the way.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yes. But in saying that, I recognize what I want may not actually be what is best for me. And so I struggle with that. Right. It's like, I want you to be with me. I want you to be pissed. I want you to be mad. I want you to be emotional with me. Because there's.

[Tom Bilyeu]

That.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

There's comfort in that. But I also recognize that negative negativity breeds negativity. So If I'm around people that are negative and they're fueling me, they're like, yeah, can you believe it? Oh, my God. Like, whether it was a friend, like, she was such a. Or whatever, like, I don't want that. I don't want people in those types of situation to feed in, because then my anger and up, like, me being upset just. It just fuels it. And I know that's not good for me. So there's that kind of cross between, like, I don't want to bring negativity to the table, but sometimes, at least for me, and this is just a personal thing, I need to just say it out loud. I'm pissed. This winds me up. It's really frustrating. And then 10 minutes later, I'll get over it and I'm fine. But I want to verbalize it, but I don't want it to appear that I'm always a negative person.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Dude, I get it. And this is, like, one of those things that. That you and I like. It is an eternal, like, mis service. Like, I. You. It's very clear how I could be better in that scenario for you. And I routinely fail at it. And that's one of those things. And I. I'm not even sure how to handle because I am cognizantly bad at it. Like, I am aware because I am so tense about letting the balance swing in the other way, where it does become that negativity, feeding negativity thing. And plus, I have worked so hard to make sure that my mind, when something negative enters my mind, jiu jitsu happens, and I immediately flip it to the positive that I'm always reframing and seeing how the worst thing is the best thing. That, like, I don't want to stop doing that. I don't want to get out of the habit of that. I always want to be able to see instantly, like, what the positive thing is. And I've worked at that so much that now it seems natural from the outside because it happens so fast and I'm so afraid of flipping back. And also, it's just at the end of the day, I've read enough studies to know if you get pissed off about something, your mind will retroactively make it a bigger deal to justify your reaction. Right? It's just justifying the reaction. Nothing about the situation has changed. But if you get amped up, your brain will go, yeah, that really must have been terrible because I got so pissed off about it. Whereas if you're totally chill, your brain goes, oh, well, I guess it couldn't have been that bad because I didn't get pissed off about. About it. And so, yeah, I'm always erring on that side. And I can see it happening in real time. I'm like, oh, God, like, I'm frustrating her to no end.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I think, though, that's probably one reason why I always turn to you. Like, actually, like, as I'm thinking about it right now, I never call family or friends to bitch and moan. I was actually, like, I go through emotionally first, I get over it, and then I'll tell them the situation because I fear that they're going to be. They're going to fuel my negativity.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. So like, even, like, the issues that I've had with my Digestive Track and I, you know, did that IG post recently, so I'm now, you know, very comfortable in talking about it. But like, I actively said to my family, so I was going through health issues for two years, if not longer, or I couldn't really eat much. And that's a whole other story that I'll talk about later. But I literally had said to my family, like, my entire family, do not ask me how I'm feeling. Because now you just make. You're putting my mind in that negative spot of like, oh, yeah, I'm sick. Oh, yeah, I have health issues, and I just don't want to be reminded of it to then put me into that negative loop. And then people then being like, oh, yeah, like, that's so sad. And that energy, that attitude just. It rubs off. So I think that, like, as much as I. It winds me up when you don't, like, you're not on that, like, yeah. At the same time, I know it's absolutely the right thing, but sometimes I do just want you to be quiet and just give me a cuddle and not give me advice.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah, I know, and I respect that, and I think that that's good. And I think. I'm not saying I've figured this out yet.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. All right, another question. Let's have a look here. Rachel Headley Lomelli. God, I'm terrible at names.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Rachel Headland Lomelli.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I feel like I'm ready in the best me I can be right now. Still learning and growing, of course. Really want to meet the one. I'm impatient. What's the best methods?

[Tom Bilyeu]

I have a very simple, clear answer, but what's the best.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Go for it.

[Tom Bilyeu]

No, I think it's gonna be the Internet. Like. Like, if I'm not Saying Tinder. I have never once been on Tinder, and the only experience I have with Tinder is from Reddit. It seems like an atrocity, but, like, the Internet dating is about the only thing I would consider. It is a numbers game. It is about meeting people, but using, you know, like, essentially FAQ to, like, weed through people to get to the ones that you want. And then literally doing it systematically and just saying, okay, here are the people that meet my criteria. Do a quick phone call before anything else. Call them on the phone, go on a date, and then like a brief, like, drink coffee, whatever, something super brief. And then a lunch and then maybe a dinner. And then, you know, you just sort of, like, make a schedule of escalating commitment. And that's what I would do. Yeah, I'm the same Internet, Internet, Internet. I don't see any two ways about it.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Okay, so we've got one from Laura Dufresne. What's up, Laura?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Welcome to the house.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, God. I just. Oh, yeah, here we go. Do you guys have any. Any secret signals to each other when you're out in public? Example. I'm ready to leave now. You're embarrassing me. Etc. So basically, yes, we. We speak Greek. He learned Greek. We've got to tell the story one day of the whole My big fat Greek wedding. You got christened for learned the language. You learned how to Greek dance. So we. Yeah, so he speaks Greek now. So, yes, we do have certain things.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It's a secret code language.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But the only problem is, is sometimes you speak Greek to me because you will say some dirty things to me in Greek. The problem is people think if I

[Tom Bilyeu]

had a secret signal, I'd be giving it to, you know.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Shh, shh.

[Tom Bilyeu]

What are you talking about? This is being recorded, woman.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I'm sure there's Greek people out there probably listening. So. But yeah. Oh, God, I forgot what I was saying.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Apparently I'm saying dirty things to you in Greek.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right? So sometimes he just says dirty things to me in Greek. And it may be around a bunch of people. Now, people assume the second you speak a different language you're talking about them. So sometimes I get really uncomfortable because you're saying something super rude to me in Greek. Just like, totally nothing about anyone in. But I recognize that other people think you're saying it about them. So now they're probably thinking, oh, she wants to leave, or, you know, whatever, Right? But we have Greek. And then the only thing is sometimes you forget when we go to London.

[Tom Bilyeu]

So used to it being A code

[Lisa Bilyeu]

language that when we go to London, everyone in my neighborhood is Greek.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Everyone and her entire family speaks.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So he's saying some rude things to me in Greek, and I'm like, my dad is right there. Like, he speaks Greek, and then he's like, oh, God. Oh, God. Did he hear? Did he hear? But also from the movie Four Christmases, we do mistletoe.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes. Oh, God. That still makes me laugh.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I love that as, like, save me.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. So if you guys haven't seen the movie, absolute class classic. We watch it every year. But there's this. They're about to go into one of their family's houses, and they agree on the word mistletoe. If you're fed up and you want to leave, just say mistletoe, and we'll go. So now that's like our code for I've had enough.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And to be honest, that we. I've done that just as a. When, you know, within the media department, I used to say to people, like, there were certain people that would come for me, like, they're having emotional trouble. There's an issue that they're dealing with. And I would say, look, I completely understand. Let's come up with a code word, because the second you're feeling overwhelmed and you have to take off and go home, all you have to do is say that word. Oh, I won't ask. You literally leave or you text it to me. Like, I think it's so powerful to have that. All right, so I think we've got time for one more question. Wow.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Already?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Already.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And do we get the full hour today?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Oh, there's two good ones. Which one do we go with? All right, let's go with Daniel Breach. How would you approach trying to help change your partner's unhealthy habit? For example, eating too much sugar.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Woof. Wow. You want to talk about a minefield?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. A minefield.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So when I met you, you were a sugar fiend.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

You ate pie for breakfast?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Occasionally. That's like. People are literally. I can see the memes already. It's like.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

The funny thing is, I think you've only ever done it once. It was the first time I went to visit your family. Yes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It was at Thanksgiving, and.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

But I never. It was so shocking because that wasn't how I was brought up. That literally. I remember waking up and seeing you eat pie, and I was like, oh, God. You know, look, there's that. There's that fear of the person that you're with now. Are they going to be that person? 10 years, 20 years.

[Tom Bilyeu]

You were worried I was gonna pack on a pound or two?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, I mean, I guess when one

[Tom Bilyeu]

eats pie for breakfast, that is a legitimate concern.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So, I mean, I guess you need to be candid. Oh, we should be very candid. But, yes, absolutely. You know, when you're. You've obviously spoken very openly about obesity in your family, so, you know. So, yeah, that was a little concern. Yes. What advice would you give them, man? Positive reinforcement.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. Okay. So this is my significant other.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

All right. Wow. So here's exactly what you have to do. And this shit is so complicated. So it starts with making sure they know you will love them no matter what. So let's be really clear. Putting on weight does not make you a bad person. So you've got to make sure that they understand that you're in it, man. Better or worse, like, it doesn't matter. And the way we used to talk about it was, I want you to imagine a scenario where you were horribly, horribly burned. And I don't want to hear some bullshit speech about leave and go be with somebody else. Like, I'm in this shit. And this is about sharing an experience. And while that is not the ideal path, if you're going to let me pick the path that I want to go down, I'm not leaving you. If you get burned, by the way, this is how you build. The kind of trust that we built is we had these kind of conversations. So it's like, look, I don't think you wanted me to put on weight, but I never felt like you were going to leave me if I put on weight. So now I'm in a safe space. I know that this person loves and cares about me. I know that they're ride or die. I know that they're to be for me no matter what happens. Like, that is first and foremost in the relationship. Like, they've got to know, like, because people overeat the same reason that they do any drug, because they're trying to get a brain chemistry reaction. They're trying to feel a certain way, they're trying to pick up their spirits, they're trying to feel better about themselves, so.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Or they have a sugar addiction.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. But even if you burn sugar, I think you're looking for. Because 99.999% of the people listening to this podcast, even if they're high protein, are. Are burning glucose as our primary fuel source. If we want to get real technical real fast here. So it's. That is more like, you're addicted to the dopamine release of eating a Snickers bar or a bag of M&MS. Or a bowl of ice cream. And it is awesome. And that is why you get it. And so finding one, you just need the safety. You need emotional safety. They need to feel good about themselves. You need to be helping them feel good about themselves. Then from there it's like, like outlining what it is you guys are. What are your goals? What are you trying to accomplish? And here's the problem. If the person isn't, like, if they don't have a goal that's aligned with either longevity or looking good, like, if they don't have any interest in, like, maintaining their physical appearance, it's tough because you're going to tie it to goals and identity, right? And if you're taking away the, the negative pressure of, of, hey, you're putting on weight, I no longer find you attractive. Like, you have to take that shit off the table because nothing will spiral them out of control faster than saying, like, hey, squidgy pants, like, you're headed in the wrong direction, right? That's going to make anybody retreat within themselves and they're not going. And then they're really going to turn to food. So ideally, you can get them to embrace, from an identity perspective, wanting longevity, wanting optimal cognitive performance, not having the afternoon craft trash. Like, really go for something rudimentary that you can help them beyond that because you, you're literally going to have to replace that with some excitement. And then just from a purely technical standpoint, I find if you want people to give up a poor diet, give them a cheat day. So if we turned Saturdays into Christmas, and legitimately, I'm not kidding, every single Saturday was as amazing to me as Christmas.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

This was about four years ago. Four.

[Tom Bilyeu]

This was like, like eight, nine years ago. This was when your brother lived here. When it was like straight Christmas on Saturday, when you would wake up and I would be standing outside frosting the glass at the Cheesecake Factory before they opened because I wanted my cheesecake.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

I actually did that once.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I woke up straight huffing on the window.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

It was our cheat day. I woke up in the morning, it was like 11 o'. Clock. We'd got a late night and. And my brother stayed over and I literally opened up thinking, you, my brother, probably playing video games or something, and the house is completely empty. And I'm like, where did he go? I don't. Like, where would he go on like a Saturday? 11. Like, normally you'd be home And I call you and like, yeah, me and your brother was outside the Cheesecake Factory waiting for it to open.

[Tom Bilyeu]

It's like, oh, God, have we gotten there? Is that where we are now? Yeah, so. But the cheat day was miraculous and allowed me to not cheat the rest of the time. So. And in all honesty, during that, that was the period in which I. I had to back off a little bit from the hardcore Saturdays. But once I pulled the reins in a little bit, that was the phase when I got really, really weak.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Here's the thing. I think it's much harder for a man to say that to a woman. Right?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yeah. There's probably a lot more emotion tied up in physicality.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

And I think that worrying whether you're going to still love me if I put on wei or, you know, that would be tough. And how do you communicate that? And I think. I think your. Your initial. What you started off with saying is you have to just let them know that you're going to be there no matter what. Like, if you're a burn victim, if you get, you know, and God forbid in a car accident, we're paralyzed. Like, it is, like, there's no wiggle room on, like, oh, well, it depends. I'm gonna be here if you're like this.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Like, I can't imagine anything worse.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

So, yeah. So working on that, making sure that she feels like you are a true partner and that you will be his there for her for anything versus unless you put on weight, because that's tough. You know, she needs to hear that you truly love it and then doing it together. Right. That's a big thing for me and you. Like, we do things together. So usually when we're going into ketosis or we're working or eating to go into ketosis, we'll go into keto together. When we're doing high protein, we will often communicate. So we do it together. And so that was actually a big thing for us because, I don't know, just feeling like you have that teammate that is willing to do it. So, like, why is she turning to sugar? Right? Like, is it a just a pastime where, like, you're kind of bored and you do it, or is there something emotional? How do you help her through that? Or, like, motivate her cook together? Right. Like, that could be something. We don't do it because you hate.

[Tom Bilyeu]

I was gonna say, like, that would be the worst solution, but if I

[Lisa Bilyeu]

did cook or bake or something, then we would sit down and enjoy it together, and it'd be that experience and you, you know, show interest on what I did differently.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And I. Can I throw another random thing? Play the long game. Play the long game. Like, you can't ever pressure somebody if your goal is really to help her live or him live a healthier lifestyle. And I'll just assume their motives are totally pure. And it's just like, I just want you to be around forever. Like, as long as humanly possible. Don't try to make that change in a week. Don't try to make it in one conversation. Think about, what does this look like a year from now, two years from now, three years from now, where I'm playing the long game. It's never pressure. It's always making sure that person feels loved. And it's about wanting to get more in sync. It's about letting them know, hey, I really want to work out. And it would mean the world to me if you would work out with me. And that means I'm very open. Like, I'll do, like, what kind of workout routine do you want to do? Right. Because here's where most people fall apart. If I'm playing the long game and I know I want to get you in shape and that fitness is a big thing for me. If I have to take a year, two years, and do it your way. Cool. Do your aerobics. You want to do yoga? Let's do yoga.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Right. And then it's like, you're going to try and call my bluff. No, you never do that. I will show up the tightest yoga pants you've ever seen in your life. Like, we will go do that yoga just because I know, like, I'm trying. If I'm trying to get over here, like, I'm happy to play that game. Right? And if. If I've done for a year, I did everything you wanted to do from a fitness perspective, Right. We did yoga. We're doing soul Cycle, like, all that stuff. And then I say, it's important to me to start hitting the weights. Like, I want to mix it up. I want to do half and half. Now. Now, like, you would be, like, that would be quite sinister on your part to not then reciprocate.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right.

[Tom Bilyeu]

And I think most people would feel that way. So that's what I mean when I

[Lisa Bilyeu]

say play the long game and positive reinforcement.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Right. It's. And you know, we do. We actively do this with each other. And to be honest, like, we're not. There's no shame in it. Like, we don't. It's like, wow, you know, like, oh, babe, your abs are looking good. Come over here. You know, like, I know that that positive reinforcement for you is, you know, like, having, like, the googly eyes.

[Tom Bilyeu]

What are you saying over there?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, I was like, I don't know.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Where are you headed? What's the rating on this again?

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Help me helping you?

[Tom Bilyeu]

Yes. We'll leave it at positive reinforcement.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah. So having that positive reinforcement and, you know, it just encourages them. Like, oh, wow. Like, what is important? I know what's important to you. And so I know what sort of things. Like, and I would never lie about it. Right. I don't just. I won't BS you. But if I really think, like, wow, you've been working out hard in the gym. I know how you perceive, you know, my response or how you want me to respond. And so I will happily do that because I know that that will show you that I really am impressed. So what's that thing for her that he can help go to over time? Like, is it romance? Right? Like, oh, my God, like, we've really been doing, like, so soul cycle together. Like, I really feel bonded with you. Get her flowers. You know, I don't know, things like that. That it's just positive reinforcement.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Sure. Cool word. All right. With the end. We're at the end.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Yeah, we're five minutes over. Sorry, guys.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Wow. Sorry about that. All right, everybody, thank you guys so much for joining us. And if this brought value to your life, it would be amazing if you would share it. We are trying to build this community that is our big ask right now. So if you believe that this is something that somebody else might benefit from as well, please share it. That'd be awesome. And if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.

[Lisa Bilyeu]

Bye.

[Tom Bilyeu]

Peace, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. And if this content is delivering value to you, please go to itunes, go to stitcher rate and review us. That helps us build this community. And that is what we are all about right now. Building this community as big as we can to help as many people as we can deliver as much value as possible. And you guys rating and reviewing really helps with that. All right, guys, thank you again so much. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care.

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